Title: WHEN A RAINBOW DISAPPEARS
Type: Multipart Fic / slightly crossover with NCIS LA and HAWAII FIVE-O
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Romance, Friendship, Family
Rating: M
Summary: He was strong, but even he couldn't take what was constantly thrown at him. Hurt beyond words, Tony finally had enough. Slight crossover with NCIS LA and HAWAII FIVE-O. WARNING: SLASH

DISCLAIMER: Don't own NCIS or Hawaii Five-O, but I do own my OC's

A/N Some spoilers to various episodes. The time frame is different though. For the sake of the story, the episodes are mixed, they don't go by the order as the show. Tony works for Gibbs for twelve years, Kate has been dead for ten. Some other differences as well.

WARNING: SLASH

Chapter 1

It has been three hard weeks and Tony felt he was about to snap. Every year, for the last decade, this time of the year had been hard for him. The painful memories, even the happy ones, and the pain of the lose of a loved-one pushed him on his knees. Everything he was carefully keeping locked down, deep down in his heart threatened to spill over. He was well aware he was cracking. Like a dam that will soon be overflowed. Every case they had was another thing he had to burry inside. Not for the first time he felt like he was suffocating here. He was tired. Tired of how lonely he felt. Tired of the constant feeling of abandonment in his heart. Maybe it was time for him to leave.

He refused the memories, or the feelings that accompanied them, come to the surface. Memories of the blood on his face when Kate, sweet Kate, was killed. Memories of Paula. Her sacrifice to save the rest of them. Memories of Jenny's lifeless body lying in an abandoned bar in the middle of a nowhere. He failed her too. Memories of the time Gibbs got blown up on that damn ship, lost his memories after waking up from the coma and then left to Mexico. Feelings of abandonment, hurt and betrayal. The words 'You'll do' haunted him. And when Gibbs returned, he found his stuff in the box on his former desk like they were trash. HE felt like trash in that moment.

He saw the smug expressions on both Ziva and Tim. Their glee of the way he was demoted. Feelings of how he wasn't good enough. Not as a team leader, not as a partner, not as a friend, not as a lover. For months he was constantly reminded by everyone how he wasn't Gibbs. He buried all that deep deep down, focusing all of him on the work. Work kept him sane, because without it...He was nothing. And if he was nothing, what was the reason for him to live?

When Gibbs returned from his hiatus in Mexico, Tony was ecstatic. He welcomed him with a smile, but that smile soon vanished when he saw nothing but coldness in those blue eyes he loved. Gibbs was back. But not because of him. Because he, Tony, needed him. Needed his guidance, needed him...the person he fell for. No, he returned because Ziva, the partner who was supposed to trust him, didn't. She didn't trust he was able to help her. Then again, maybe it was his fault. His fake frat boy persona everyone bought.

He felt old. Drained. Tired. He didn't know who Anthony DiNozzo was anymore. Maybe his true self died that day. With her. His surrogate sister. Kate. The one that left was the shell of the man he used to be. The fake. The joker. The clown. And no one realized it.

It didn't feel like home, not anymore. People who he thought were his surrogate family, weren't. He learned that the hard way. After twelve years. More than once. Usually, he got itchy feet after two years in the same place, but when he met Gibbs everything changed. He changed. And now, he was forced, by his team, but mostly by himself, to find another place. Maybe he should've accepted the offer to Rota when Jenny, proposed to him. Before she died. Before he was reassigned as an Agent Afloat for the whole six months.

He remembered the last time he broke down. Almost a year ago. He found a true friend then. And it surprised him.

Everything happened so fast he couldn't even track the events anymore. First, the look of hurt and betrayal on Jeanne's face when he told her who he really was. Then his car got blown up. Thankfully, he wasn't in it. It gave him a little satisfaction when he punched Kort in the face. But then he looked at the faces of his teammates. He could easily read the shock, hurt and betrayal written all over them. Seeing the same expression directed at him, twice in the same day, broke his heart. But, he didn't let them see it. Didn't let them see how it affected him. He HAD to lie to them. Why couldn't they see that? Why couldn't they see or understand how hard it was for him to do that? No, they only thought of how they felt betrayed by him. But what about how he felt betrayed by them? Felt that way for months. No one thought about that. Instead of showing them his true feelings, he pushed his own hurt away and hid it under a fake smile and asked gleefully.

''What? No balloons?''

/

The guilt, and the feeling how he failed yet another person tormented him. Jenny was dead because of him. Because he was following her orders to stay behind while she... Part of him knew he should have been close, after all he and Ziva were her security while they were in L.A. But, the other part didn't want to get involved in another of her messes. Didn't want to be screwed all over again. And so, he stayed behind, didn't want to believe his gut that something bad would happen. And Jenny got killed.

Gibbs' look 'How could you let this happen' almost crippled him. He failed her. He failed him. Again. For a moment, instead of Jenny, he saw Kate. Felt her blood on his face. He failed her too.

/

For the second time in his life he tried to drown his emotions in alcohol. The first time being the day Kate died. Although, he was alone at that time. This time, he found a friend.

When they returned in D.C., after he wrote his report, he went to a bar and stayed there ordering a shot after a shot. He wanted to forget. Wanted to numb his feelings. Wanted to lose himself. But not in another nameless body. No, that got old a long time ago. He couldn't find satisfaction in sex anymore. The substitutes for the one he really wanted. The one he needed. The one he loved.

The one who didn't love him back.

When he woke up, he noticed he was lying on a couch in an unfamiliar house. Groaning as he tried to sit, he noticed a bottle of water and two Aspirin pills on the coffee table.

''You will have a killer headache. Call in sick for today.'' A familiar voice said behind him and he looked at the source.

''Fornell. What...? Where...? How...'' Tony stammered, not knowing how he ended up there.

Then, the memories came back. The alcohol... The tears... The breakdown...

''I saw you in the bar last night. You could barely sit straight.'' Fornell explained, deciding not to mention the breakdown he witnessed. Nor the secrets the young man kept hidden. ''Thought it would be for the best if I take you home. For your own good. This is my house. You're welcome to stay for the rest of the day, or for however time you need.''

''Thank you.'' Tony said after a moment and looked at the FBI agent in the eyes. ''I appreciate the offer and I think I will take it. Don't want to be alone right now.'' He whispered the last part, hating how lonely and empty he felt.

''You do know that my offer to join the FBI still stands, do you?'' Fornell asked, sounding casual.

''I do.'' Tony answered and closed his eyes, biting back the tears that threatened.

He didn't saw the surprised look on the older man, because every time he offered, Tony would categorically decline. They were both aware that this time that wasn't the case. And after Tony told him everything in his drunken state, Tobias Fornell knew the reason why. And he also knew he had to do something for the young man sitting on the couch before it would be too late.

/

When he got to work two days after, he knew something was about to happen. And he was right. Leon Vance, who was now, officially, the new Director, gave his first order and split the team apart.

/

He was reassigned as Agent Afloat. First on the USS Ronald Reagan, and then on the Seahawk. One bad decision caused him to lose the only family he had for the last twelve years. Even though, the sense of a family was lost a long time ago.

He was alone again.

Since Gibbs barely spoke to him since he found out about his undercover assignment, he collected his stuff from his desk in silence, and without a second glance, started walking away. Then, he heard a voice. And a promise.

''You all are my team. We will be back together again.''

He turned around and looked at Gibbs. And felt hope rising in his heart.

The rest of his day Tony spend packing and paying the bills for at least six months ahead, not knowing when he would be back. He didn't know what to do, where to go. Part of him wanted to quit. Quit and leave. But the other part knew this was his punishment. It was his fault Jenny was dead. Gibbs' words still ringed in his mind and the anger he felt toward Vance and himself, subdued for a bit.

Yes, Gibbs will get him back. He just had to believe in that.

Suddenly, he heard a knock on his door and frowned. He wasn't expecting any company, and after receiving the news about his departure, wasn't in the mood for one. Sighing, he opened the door and his eyes went wide.

''Pizza and a six-pack.'' The man said and entered after Tony took a step back, letting him in.

''Comfort food, Fornell?'' Tony snickered.

''Looks like you need it.''

''Thanks. Have a seat. Let me get the stuff we need.''

They ate in silence, only the sound of Jazz music playing silently in the background. When they were done, Tony threw the boxes in the trash and returned to the living room. He was nursing the beer in his hand, then spoke after a minute.

''Thank you.''

''You're welcome. So, how are you holding up?'' Fornell asked, looking at the young agent sitting next to him.

''I don't know. Angry, disappointed, sad, uncertain, confused. Take your pick.'' Tony sighed.

''Everything will work out. You just have to believe in that.''

''I will try. It is the least what I deserve. He should've fired me.'' Tony said knowing Fornell would know of whom he was talking about.

''He knows how good of an agent you are and I don't want to hear you saying otherwise. You need to be somewhere to clear your head, Tony. Vance knows that. It is not your fault Jenny was killed. It was her choice. Her mess from her past. She would've find a way to escape you. You were following orders.''

''It doesn't change the fact she is dead.'' Tony snapped.

''Look, I know how stubborn you can be and no matter what I say you won't believe it, so why don't you go to bed and sleep it over. I will take the couch and drive you tomorrow. And just because it is you, you will get there in style. In a FBI chopper. You have to be on USS Reagan by ten, right?''

''How do you know that?'' Tony asked, surprised, after he rolled his eyes hearing how he would travel.

''I'm a Federal Agent, DiNutso.'' Fornell smirked, deliberately misspeaking Tony's last name, causing Tony to relax and roll his eyes. Again. ''I know everything.''

''Sure you do.'' Tony smirked back. ''Let me get you a pillow and a blanket.'' After sizing the man in front of him, he added. ''I think I even have a pajama that would fit you.''

''You own a pajama?'' Fornell asked jokingly and his eyes went wide as if he was in shock.

''Yes. For guests like you. I sleep naked.'' Tony answered with a smile and wiggling his eyebrows.

''Didn't need to know that.'' Fornell scoffed and Tony laughed.

The friendly banter and Tony's laugh was a surprise for both men, and the older agent realized how much he missed to hear that sound.

/

''Be careful out there.'' Fornell said, as they were standing on the dock.

''I will. I promise.'' Tony said, touched hearing the concern in Fornell's voice.

He couldn't help but look around, hoping to see one person he needed to see the most. The person who he hoped would come and see him before he left. When the realization that the silver-haired man with blue eyes decided not to come finally settled in, his eyes filled with tears, and Fornell's heart broke when he noticed the pain in Tony's green eyes.

''It's his loss.'' Fornell said firmly and pulled the young man into his embrace. ''Emily will expect postcards and presents from her 'big brother'.''

''And she shall receive them.'' Tony chocked out. ''Give her a big kiss from me.'' And with that, he took his bag and walked toward the ship that will be his home for the next few months.

''I'm sorry, Tony. But this is for your own good.'' Tobias Fornell whispered as he watched the man who became a part of his family, son he never had, walk away.

Tobias Fornell left his most precious thing, his daughter Emily, in the hands of the young agent, knowing she would be safe. When he started the car he sighed and dialed the number.

''It's me. I need to see you right now. It is a matter of importance. Can I come to your home?''

''All right. You're always welcome here.'' The man on the other line said and ended the call.

/

Tobias knocked and smiled at the woman who opened the door. ''Jackie.'' He greeted.

''Tobias.'' Jackie smiled too and let him in. ''Leon is in his study. You know the way. Coffee will be there in a few moments.''

''Thank you.''

''Tobias.'' Leon Vance stood up and extended his hand to the newcomer who took it and they shake.

''Leon, I need a favor to ask of you. As a friend and as a college. It's about DiNozzo.'' Tobias said, getting straight to the point.

''I know.'' Leon sighed, then looked at the older man questionably. ''Since you came here, I have a feeling something is wrong.''

''Yes. You know how I feel about him. He is like a son to me. He is one of the best agent I ever met and Emily adores him. True, we had our differences in the past, but... Yesterday I saw him drinking like there was no tomorrow and it frightened me. He is worn out. And it is not only because of Jenny. You have to send him away from here. At least for the time being. He has to clear his head. Otherwise... I'm afraid he will snap. Big time.''

Leon quietly listened then sighed when Tobias finished ''I know. I saw it in his eyes when we processed the bar where Jenny was killed. Saw that look a few times. I know everything what has been going on here. SecNav told me to come in D.C. months ago and observe from the distance. He wanted to fire Jenny as soon as he found out she was using DiNozzo for her own revenge, but...''

''But he wanted Renee Benoit more. You don't have to tell me that. I'm well aware of that.'' Tobias interrupted him. ''So, if you know everything, what will you do about it?''

''I can offer him his own team.'' Leon suggested.

''He won't accept it. He turned down Rota when Jenny offered it to him.'' Tobias shook his head.

''So, what do you think I should do then?''

''There is an opening as an Agent Afloat on USS Ronald Reagan and Seahawk. It will be good for him. He will be away from Gibbs and the rest of them. And maybe, just maybe, if he is away from them, they will open their eyes and see what they lost. Like I said, it is not just Jenny.'' Tobias said, a bit harshly that didn't surprise Leon one bit. They had similar conversations a few times before.

''Do you really think that is a good idea, Tobias?'' Jackie asked, entering with the tray in her hands and putting it on the desk. ''They are a family. Separating them like that...''

''They haven't been a family for a long time, Jackie. Have you forgotten the way they treated him? He needs to get away from them. Especially from Gibbs.'' Tobias snapped, then looked at Jackie apologetically. ''I'm sorry.''

''It's okay.'' Jackie waved her hand. ''What happened last night?''

''I can't tell you what he told me in confidence, but you have to take my word for this. He needs to get away.'' Tobias answered.

''Okay. I will do it. I just hope it is the right thing to do and that we're not making a mistake.'' Leon agreed, then added. ''This will sound a bit calculated but... we may have a mole in the NCIS. It is already down on three possible persons. They will become Gibbs' new team. Maybe he will find out who.''

''Not calculated one bit.'' Tobias snickered, and Jackie rolled her eyes.

/

He was back. Back as part of the team. Strangely, he felt nothing. He was numb. To everything. He DID feel relief when Gibbs told him to pack his things, that he was no longer Agent Afloat, but that was about it. He pushed all his feelings away. The love he still, unfortunately, felt for Gibbs, the anger, resentment, the pain, the hurt... He was good in that department. He felt nothing...He WAS nothing. After all, throughout all his life he had been told that. With words, with actions. He tried not to believe in that, but sometimes, sometimes it was hard not to.

Truth to be told, those six months away from everything and everyone, especially Gibbs and the rest of his team, did help in some way. It cleared his head. He no longer felt responsible for Jenny's death. Well, one small part still did, but...it was a start.

He no longer felt he would break. That night, when Fornell found him, was the last time he had that amount of alcohol in his system, and he didn't want to repeat that. Ever again. Alcohol never helped and he would rather eat a bullet from his own gun than end up like his father.

He was calmer, professional, quiet. He lived in his own world of illusion, without feelings. In solitude. Part of him was surprised that none of his teammates thought it was strange for him to behave like that, but then again, no one truly saw him. The real him. No one saw through his fake smile. No one cared. As long as he was on time and did his job. And that was fine with him. At least, that was what he was trying to convince himself.

It worked. For a while. Then everything started crashing down. He started cracking. But this time, he was powerless to do anything. It became harder and harder pushing everything back. Pushing his feelings away. His world, his false illusion, slowly started to disappear. Like a rainbow.

A/N So, this is it for the first chapter. Hope you liked it and please review.

The crossover parts won't be in the picture until chapter four. I think. First the NCIS LA then Hawaii Five-O. There will be more hurt and angry Tony though, his sufferings aren't over yet. I will return to the parts with Tony/Emily and Tony as Agent Afloat as flashbacks. One other thing that is different from the series is that Leon Vance was in D.C. longer and he knows everything. He was aware he would replace Jenny as a Director and he and Fornell are good friends. Hope you don't mind. One question: how old should I make Emily?