Why: Because Sweet Misfortune119 very, very kindly requested for me to write this. Seeing as she is a fan, I complied. Plus the idea pwns. Hope you like it, Sweetie!

Preface:Biscuit would now like to present to you her first ever actual YAOI fanfic, "The Five Laws of Woo." Yaoi, but nothing graphic, is found within. If it offends you, I apologize and would like to extend to you the offer of requesting any non-yaoi oneshot you want of me. (Frantically, she tries to please everyone)

Pairings: ItaNeji, SasuNeji, and NaruNeji as well as some surprises (wink wink watermelon). I would call this funny, but not in the totally wild sense of "Carpools". It's actually MUCH more serious (and sarcastic).

Notes on this Chapter: Ita/Nej. Non-graphic Yaoi. CRACK parings and some (keyword SOME) crack humor. The point of view switches with each scene, but don't worry, it's marked. Best of all...NEJI'S ACTUALLY (somewhat) IC! For those of you who follow "Carpools," I'm sure that must be astounding to you...(sweat drops)

Disclaimer

x x x

x Prologue x

x Neji's Point of View x

x x x

Looking back on their lives in their golden years, many people fondly remember those "defining moments" that guided their paths and made them into the individuals they are: the big epiphanies, if you will, that shaped their outlooks on life. It's a nice sentiment, if you think about it, it really is.

Unfortunately for me, so far in my seventeen years, I can't say I've had the pleasure of having any of those moments. No...the only moments that stick out in my memory are NOT the moments of tragedy and grief that you might expect, if you know of me and my clan. it seems that, while some people have "defining moments", I have moments that are so shocking and absurd that no amount of therapy will ever be able to fully bury them in my subconscious where they belong.

Ever.

And no, I'm not talking about Gai and Lee. I'm used to them, although I do occasionally have nightmares about being trapped with them forever in an "eternal springtime".

No, what I'm referring to actually began the summer of my seventeenth birthday. It was at that time that I guess my "youthfulness blossomed," as my sensei would say, because all of a sudden I had attracted the affection of three people before I even knew what was going on. Egregiously, because fate is cruel, none of them were exactly...ideal suitors, to understate it.

I guess for any of my ramblings to make sense, I'll just have to go back and explain exactly how I came to be in my current situation. Brace yourselves. It's not a pretty story.

It all started three months ago on a day in July just like any other...

x x x

Law One:

For that special first date with that special person, the best bet would be to go with the "Tried and True" method. Treat your love interest to a nice dinner, followed by a romantic activity of your choice. You'll have melted their heart by the end of the evening.

x x x

"Tenten...do women find me attractive?"

My teammate choked on the water she was drinking. I knew what she was thinking at that particular moment, but then I usually did. Tenten was contemplating my astounding talent for creating unbearably awkward situations. Seeing as she had stopped in the middle of the street when I asked my question, she had to run a few steps to catch up with me before giving a careful answer.

"Uhm, I can't really say...why do you ask?"

Hn. Vague and non-descript. Typical of Tenten when she was afraid of offending me.

"It's just that," I broke off, not liking the way that Kiba was eyeing my ass and attempting to be discreet about it.

"Yes?" She asked, offering me a half of the popsicle she had just picked up from a street vendor. I took the treat, licking it slowly and watching with no small satisfaction as Kiba, who was still watching me, clutched his bleeding nose and ducked off. We continued weaving our way through the crowded streets of Konoha for a few minutes in silence. If she'd thought my question had been awkward, wait till I answered her's.

"It's just that," I began again, sighing, "I think, that nowadays, I seem to be attracting the romantic interests of the sterner sex." It's moments like these that I am very grateful that Tenten understands me so well. It saves a lot of awkward explanations.

She sucked her popsicle in thought.

"So, what you're saying is...you think gay guys want your pants?"

Blunt, but then what else could you expect from a weapons specialist?

"Yes. Yes they do. And it's beginning to freak me out."

My teammate nodded sympathetically and began to say something comforting but at just that moment, our sensei appeared.

"NEJI!" Gai yelled in his normal jovial voice, "Come with me for a moment, would you? I need your opinion on something. Excuse us, Tenten my youthful flower."

And popsicle still in hand, I allowed my sensei to drag me off.

x Five minutes earlier- Kisame's Point of View x

When Itachi-san asked me to help him with a "little project," if I had known at the time that he had meant the seduction of the Hyuuga heir, I would have gladly committed seppuku with my fingernails to get out of it.

Damn Itachi and his damn unpredictability.

So now, three weeks later, I was crouching in a bush outside of Konoha risking my life and feeling like a lecherous old man just so my partner could stalk his "lover". Leave it to Itachi to be obsessed with a jounin from the village that he had betrayed, forcing us to risk our necks and resort to "desperate measures" to woo the boy. That's not even mentioning that the Hyuuga and the Uchiha are distantly related. Figures. I always knew Itachi would have some kind of weird fetish. Ah well, at least it was only a little bit of incest and not something freakier.

For the past three weeks things had just been the same and more of it. According to Itachi we were "waiting for the opportune moment to strike." Well, when he voiced it like that you'd think we were staking out a robbery. Leave it to Itachi to treat his personal romantic escapades (1) like a mission. But I guess if you looked at it from a technical standpoint, we sort of were trying to kidnap a minor. Sort of.

Today, apparently, the Gods smiled down at us, for it was today that Itachi finally figured out how to set his plans in motion.

"Kisame-san."

I looked up at the sound of my name.

"I have found a solution," he announced blandly.

"Finally." Unwise as it was, I couldn't help but rejoice at the end of the stakeout. "Well, what have you come up with?"

Itachi formed a seal, and for a moment, my vision was obscured by a cloud of smoke. When he reappeared, I felt my jaw go slack. For there, before me in all of his green spandex-y glory, was Itachi in the form of Maito Gai. The thought of Itachi in spandex, even though he had assumed someone else's form, made my mind go places I'd really rather not mention. Fucking disturbing places.

"It's the obvious thing to do," Said Itachi in his normal chilling voice, forcing Gai's face into a sinister grimace. The whole thing was fucking unnatural and made me want to die a little, honestly. My partner continued, "I shall transform into an authority figure that Neji-kun trusts and then I shall lead him into my clutches before henge-ing back to my natural form. You know the plan from there, Kisame-san."

Oh, was he talking about the plan that involved me loosing all shards of my self esteem by serving Itachi and his underage love interest dinner and possibly assisting with date rape?

Damn Straight. STRANGE things happen in the S-class...

The more I thought about it, the more enraged I became. Honestly, any snot-nosed genin could have told you the obvious thing to do would be to henge into the kid's sensei. Leave it to Itachi to plan to defeat a Hyuuga with simple brilliance and take three fucking weeks to come up with said plan. I say "plan to defeat" because I seriously doubted the success of his little venture. No way a jounin would fall for something this idiotic.

By this point I was practically twitching trying to keep from ripping his damn little head off. But of course I didn't because that would be like asking for an Amaterasu up the ass, if you know what I mean.

"Well!" Said Itachi exuberantly, getting into character and sounding freakishly like Gai, "I'm off! Wish me luck, Kisame-kun."

I shuddered.

And when he returned triumphantly five minutes later towing one Hyuuga Neji by the hand, I gotta say I was fucking astounded.

Leave it to Itachi to pull something that screwed up off.

...Leave it to Itachi.

x Neji's Point of View x

Leave it to Gai-sensei to make me tromp around in the July heat on my day off. He eventually dropped my hand, but continued leading me on for about an hour until we were a good two miles outside the village. By this point, I was becoming a bit suspicious. What if he planned on showing me another "Birthday Surprise" for Lee?

I winced a little at that particular memory, trying to block out the images of the nude sculpture of himself that Gai had asked me to critique. Only on my team...what's even more twisted is that Lee actually liked it.

Gai-sensei slowed, so I could only assume we were approaching our destination. Sure enough, as we crested the next hill, I saw a little abandoned house nestled in the valley surrounded by an unkempt garden of wild flowers.

A few minutes later, and sensei had led me into the house and into a dining room where I noticed with great curiosity, the table was set for a nice dinner for two.I could even smell food cooking in the nearby kitchen. Allowing the slightest hint of an expression of confusion to cross my features, I sat down in the offered chair. I looked up at Gai, waiting for him to show me whatever it was he had dragged me all the way out here to see, when suddenly I felt thick ropes crawl around my wrists, legs, and chest, binding me in place.

OH...shit, was all I could think as several things clicked into place.

Duh. Duh Duh Duh...DUH. I could have died with the shame of it all. It had been so obvious what was going on, even a genin would have been able to figure it out. And now, by my own idiotic complacency, I was trapped, miles away from any help, and completely at the mercy of the impostor before me.

I honestly didn't see how my situation could get any worse.

And then, with a puff of smoke, "Gai-sensei" henged into Uchiha Itachi himself.

Fuck. My. Life.

"Do not be alarmed," Itachi said, in his deep, calm voice.

"Do not be alarmed?" Did the man who was infamous for murdering over one hundred people alone in one night honestly just tell me not to be alarmed that he had me alone and tied to a chair? Fuck YES, I was alarmed.

"I do not wish you any harm," the Uchiha continued, "I wish only...for your affection."

Wha? Was he mindfucking me? Well obviously, Uchiha Itachi was the master of the mindfuck.

"Allow me to clarify," came that placid voice again, "I, Uchiha Itachi, wish to have you, Hyuuga Neji on a date. Right here, right now. Do you accept?"

Yeah...NO. Oh HELL no. No, no, no, no, no, n-

"Yes," I said, carefully keeping my voice even.

Itachi allowed a smirk of victory to arrange itself on his pale lips.

"I told you Kisame-san. I told you he would accept my advances."

I immediately recognized Itachi's partner, Hoshigaki Kisame, as he walked out of the adjoining kitchen. The expression on his blue face told me we were thinking the exact same thing. When Uchiha Itachi asks you out, the answer is not yes or no, it's do you want to live, or don't you? Frankly, I valued my life...not to mention I wasn't stupid enough to stand in between a reputed assassin and what he wanted, even if, by some bizarre stretch of the imagination, what he wanted was me.

"Kisame!" Itachi called, "Please serve us our meal."

The mist-nin ground his razor teeth, but obliged.

My captor turned back to me.

"Now, Neji-kun, I shall release you if you promise to behave."

Once again, I grasped the subtle, hinted meaning behind those words. Don't try to run or I'll kill you.

"I promise," I agreed obediently, even smiling slightly at Itachi. This apparently pleased him, as his eyes crinkled in a small smirk of his own. The ropes binding me vanished and I relaxed into the chair; Itachi taking off his heavy Akatsuki cloak and settling himself opposite me.

Moments later Kisame arrived with our dinner, which, loath as I was to admit it, looked delicious. Itachi and I wasted no time in digging in. Kisame lingered a little more to pour the drinks with a terribly sour look on his face, before vanishing back into the kitchen. Leaving me alone with Itachi. Perfect.

Awkward.

That was the only way that any sane person would have described a dinner date with Uchiha Itachi.

Where a normal person would try to make small talk, Itachi would just stare at me. Blankly. Unnervingly.

By the end of the meal I was honestly wondering how I was going to endure whatever form of silent torture he had lined up for me next.

"Neji-kun"

Ah, it speaks.

"I must go and check on something in the kitchen. Please excuse me."

And he walked out.

xKisame's Point of View.x

"Why do I feel as though I am failing to make a good impression?"

I SWEAR for a genius, Itachi can be so dense sometimes. I felt that this was one of those rare occasions where I could be sarcastic without being mindfucked into my own personal hell.

"Maybe because you ARE."

He glared at me slightly. "Well then you must help me correct the problem, Kisame-san. I. do not. fail."

And we all know it, princess.

"Do you have the book?"

I reached into my cloak and grabbed that damned dating and relationships self-help book that was pretty much the root of all the evil in my life because of the ideas it gave Itachi. My partner thinks up enough twisted shit on his own. He does NOT need ideas.

"Chapter One..." Itachi muttered, thumbing through the pages, " 'For that special first date with that special person, the best bet would be to go with the "Tried and True" method.' I did that. I treated him to a very nice dinner."

"That I made," I clarified.

"Yes, well," he said distractedly, still contemplating where he went wrong, "According to the book he should have fallen for my natural charms by now."

I almost had to forcibly stop myself from voicing the shitload of sarcastic comments I was thinking of. Pff, natural charm? Itachi has about as much "natural charm" as something that's been dead for two weeks.

He looked at me, eyes intense. "What do I do?"

"Well," I answered, ever cautious not to upset him, "Seeing as the dinner...didn't go so hot (fell to shit) you'll just have to wow him on the "romanic activity" part." I pointed out the next part of the sentence."

He blinked at me and walked back into dining room.

If I had known I'd end up giving dating advice to a mass-murderer on pain of death, maybe, just maybe, I would have stayed in Kiri.

Wouldn't saved me a shitload of psychological damage, that's for sure.

I swigged some sake from the bottle, sighing.

x Neji's Point of View x

Abruptly, Itachi returned and proclaimed, "We will now go and watch the stars." He vaguely drifted over to the adjoining sitting room, not even bothering to wait for me. Bemused, and wary of what was to come, I followed. I entered the room just in time to see Itachi settle down on an oversized futon, still folded into a couch that faced a wide, open window. His normally stiff and straight form relaxed into the patterned fabric and he crossed his legs lotus style. Still lingering at the doorway, I watched all of this. A few seconds may have passed, or a matter of minutes, I had long since lost track, when his gaze drifted back to me, pinning me with that searching stare that seemed to be his substitute for a fond smile. He raised one hand and beckoned for me. "Come."

My bare feet moved over the wooden floor, beyond my control and fully in his. I stood in front of him, sweating slightly at the uncomfortable situation. He tapped his thighs and I felt my eyes widen a bit in panic and incredulity. I might let him feed me a wonderful dinner, hell, I'd even "go watch the stars with him," but there was no way, NO way...

He looked at me again, his sharingan seeming to whirl in the moonlight. But I knew it wasn't his genjutsu that controlled my actions, as I obediently lowered myself to perch on the murderer's left thigh, my legs jutting awkwardly of to our right side, resting on the arm of the futon.

No, he might as well have been holding a kunai to my throat. We both knew it was only pure, natural fear for my own existence that had be complying to his every demand.

We sat there, rigid and perfectly still, and in my case, afraid to even breathe. I thanked the gods that Itachi was content with me sitting ramrod straight on one of his legs, my hands folded tightly in my lap and my eyes focused on those stars.

He said he wanted to "watch the stars" with me, and I would be damned if I didn't stare at those fucking stars as hard as I could just in case they decided to do something interesting for once. ANYTHING to forget exactly who I was sitting on.

Time seemed to crawl, agonizingly slow seconds ticked by, and yet here I was, still cozying up to an assassin staring out a window like my life depended on it. Oh wait...it actually did. Me and my damned ironic sense of humor. Suddenly I was overtaken with an insane urge to burst out laughing, just lose it completely and give into hysterics. But that would never do, seeing as I was literally sitting on a ticking bomb. Itachi could go off at any time. I stole a chaste glance at his face. His delicate skin was furrowed around the brows, a sure sign that he was going to say something soon.

Three, two, one,

"Neji-kun,"

Boom

"When is your birthday?"

I blinked vacantly, the casual question catching me completely off guard. Not that being on my guard would even do much good. Have I mentioned that I was sitting on Uchiha Itachi's lap?

"July third," I answered automatically.

"Ah, I see. Cancer..." he muttered the word to himself, scanning the skies with more purpose now. "You just recently celebrated one then? How old?"

"Seventeen." Once again, a mindless, automatic answer. Itachi's wandering eyes finally stopped on a fixed point in the sky, and he stared at it a moment, as if memorizing its exact location, before turning to face me.

I could have sworn my heart actually stopped. His eyes boring dead into mine, the corners of his mouth twitched up, softening his expression. Barely.

Uchiha Itachi actually smiled at me. Barely.

And then, as if that weren't enough, for the first time that night, he touched me. His hand gilded up from the small of my back to my shoulder blades with a firm gentleness, tenderness even, that left the entire are he touched tingling warmly. I couldn't help it. I leaned into that touch. The corners of his pale lips flickered up even more.

With the hand that wasn't still on my back, he pointed to he spot he had been staring at in the sky, tracing an outline of stars with his fingers. I stared at the stars trying to locate exactly which ones he had been pointing to. We were silent for a few moments, gazing upwards.

"Do you see the crab, Neji-kun?" (2) he asked, turning to look at me again, his face closer than before. And suddenly, they fell into place. I had no problem seeing the crab at all.

"Yes."

He looked at me again, with his same almost-smile, and began lightly tracing my spine. I flinched violently, and withdrew from the touch, nearly toppling, GRACEFULLY, I might add (Hyuugas do NOT topple sloppily), off his lap.

I'm not dead...how am I not dead?

A few seconds later, I cautiously cracked one eye open to a very peculiar sound...Itachi appeared to be laughing. At me, perhaps? Once again taking my breath away at it's suddenness and tentative gentleness, Itachi's hand stroked across my forehead, eventually cupping my cheek and forcing my face closer to his own than it had ever been.

"Neji-kun," he whispered, and I gasped as he deactivated his ever-present sharingan, staring at me with deep coal-black eyes, a hint of laughter still in his voice, "I'm not going to hurt you. Please believe that. It will make the rest of the evening proceed much more smoothly. Do you understand?"

I nodded shakily. He's not fucking with me...he never was. For some reason, beyond anything I could ever hope to comprehend. Uchiha Itachi, traitor, criminal, and cold-blooded murder, had some kind of twisted and unholy fondness for me.

And thus, I discovered, that when Itachi has a fondness for someone, he takes on the characteristics of a more dangerous than average teddy bear.

It was a few minutes before I mustered up the courage to touch him. Finally, I raised a hand and with the same inexplicable gentleness he had shown me, I ran my fingers though his silky hair, pulling the strands away from his pale face. He hn'd contentedly, and I marveled at the level of trust he was showing me. If I had been in my right mind at all I would have already killed him.

Yet somehow, I didn't want to kill him. His hand had resumed that very nice stroking of my back that I liked so much, and somehow in the process, my hair had been let loose as well. Itachi's skilled fingers were running through the strands, and I was suddenly finding it harder to maintain my rigid posture. I peeked again at Itachi's face, and found him staring out at the stars, absentmindedly playing with my hair and wearing a small smirk of victory. Gauging his reaction carefully, I slid off of his thigh and into the hollow of his crossed legs, finally relaxing my cramped legs into a more comfortable curl. Itachi languidly looked down at me, the slight expression of contentment on his face taking my breath away. He shifted his hand from my back to my waist and wrapped his other arm around my shoulders: clutching me to his chest in an embrace. Exhausted as I was from the emotional strain of the day, I relaxed into his tender hold, throwing my arms around his torso and burying my face in his shirt with more fervor than I'd really meant to show.

He hn'ed softly again and I felt him press his lips to the top of my head as he sighed into my hair, "Neji-kun. Thank you."

Later on I would suffer many a sleepless night at how easily and naturally I had relaxed in an assassin's arms. How easy it had been for me to abandon my training and commit my own little act of treachery. I had drifted off to sleep in the embrace of a killer, and it had felt right.

But back to that moment, I breathed in the scent that clung to the fabric of that shirt, relished the feel of those arms. If I had been thinking clearly, I would have been worried about wether I would even wake in the morning after having slept on Uchiha Itachi. But as I drifted off to sleep, more relaxed than I had been in months, my thoughts spiraled lazily in a totally different direction, lulled by the steady pulsing of his heart.

The term cold-hearted isn't very accurate. Itachi's actually quite warm...

x x x

Hn. That was THE strangest dream I think I've ever had...even stranger than the one concerning what Lee and Gaara's babies would look like. For a second there I actually though I went on a DATE with Uchiha...

And my eyes finally cracked opened.

...Fuck.

My vision was dominated by, ironically, the dawn. All I could see was the blinding light of morning streaming in through the east-facing window.

Groaning, I shifted my blanket and got less than halfway into a sitting position before I froze.

I didn't HAVE a blanket last night...

I looked down to find that I had been tucked into a warm little cocoon-like bundle in Itachi's cloak. No wonder I had slept so well. It was warm and silken and smelled like him. But wait...If I fell asleep sitting on Itachi then...

I jolted upright in surprise coming literally nose to nose with Itachi, who I noticed with MUCH perplexity that I was still sitting on. I pulled back, startled.

"How..."

The skin around his eyes crinkled. "Trade secret, Neji-kun. We should get you back to the village before they think you've gone AWOL."

I stood up and handed him his cloak, which was pointless seeing as he just threw it over my shoulders. Secretly, when we got outside, I was glad he did as the early morning air was colder than I had expected.

Our journey back to the village seemed to take much less time that it had to get to the little house, but I suppose that's usually the case with return journeys. We trudged wordlessly through the still forests and before I knew it, we were within a stone's throw of Konoha.

I turned stiffly to Itachi and shrugged his cloak off, extending it towards him. He took it, finally breaking our silence.

"Hn. Well, I shall leave you here, Neji-kun. I am very glad that you were so agreeable when it came to the matter of our date."

I blinked slowly. I have never been a morning person and this was just a little too much to handle.

"I don't guess I'll ever see you again?" I half asked, half stated.

He smirked. "I wouldn't count on that. I might have to spirit you away again...at least one more time." Itachi turned around and began to walk away, when suddenly, he faced me again. "Ah, one more thing."

He strode deftly over to where I was still standing, rooted to the spot, and stopped a few inches away. Wrapping his long fingers behind my head, he pulled my face towards his own and gently captured my lips in his. Realizing I would probably never get another chance to do this, I placed my hand over his beating heart- just to verify that this whole thing had actually even happened. I felt him smirk into this kiss, as I heard a vague gagging sound which I realized was probably Kisame. He pressed into the kiss and I reciprocated, moving my lips with his when he gently pulled away. His hand slid around my hand, and he stepped back, trailing one long, dark strand of my hair through his fingers.

"Farewell, Neji-kun."

He smiled at me through the swirl of leaves, and was gone.

I stood stock still staring at the settling leaves for who knows how long, before finally, everything caught up with me and I sank to my knees in complete shock.

"What...the HELL!?"

It was an hour later, at my best guess, when Tenten finally found me. Looking at her familiar form, it was almost impossible to carry myself back and remember who I had spent the night with. The entire surreal situation was plain out of context. I must have had a strange expression on my face because she sank to the ground and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Neji? Where the hell have you been? When I asked sensei where he took you, he said he didn't know anything about it? Oh my god. Were you kidnapped?!"

I sighed and stood up, extending my hand to her. "I'm fine, Tenten. Trust me."

She looked at me warily. "But what HAPPENED?!"

A single black crow soared overhead. I smiled at her.

"Suffice it to say...you wouldn't believe me even if I told you."

And so I walked back to the village with my very confused teammate in tow.

x x x

Sadly, it doesn't end here. I wish it did, but if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride. If Itachi, S-class criminal and infamous murderer were the ONLY person I had after my affections, I would be very, very content.

Little did I know, at the time, that my next run-in with a pushy suitor wouldn't end up so well in my favor...

x x x

TBC

Even MORE Notes: FLUFF! Who the hell let me write that much FLUFF!? Seriously, all, the next two chapters will be MUCH funnier. (Determined face again.) I.E. fluff crack!

CARPOOLS UPDATE!

Writer's block...sometime this weekend maybe? Please bear with me.

(1) There's actually a porn shop in my area called "Romantic Escapades" Lol, just thought i'd share that. It's so awkward listening to radio commercials for it...

(2)Yeah, I know...Western Zodiac WAY LESS COOL than Chinese Zodiac, but it was all i could do.

I don't know when the next update will be...this will have exactly FIVE chapters, btw. Just thought I'd let you all know.

JA!

BISCUIT.