CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

Photos are now back on Photobucket, hopefully you can find them by searching either Hale Charming or Cassiesmum on there.

Opie stands up and heads inside passing Jax just outside the door. Jax strides over and sits down at my feet, the full beer swinging between us.

Reaching over to the table I find my glass is empty so set it back down, I'm not sure that wine would be strong enough for this anyway.

"So that shit today was planned?" Jax sounds like he's a mixture of angry and hurt.

"I'm sorry, it was solely my idea. I told you I'd wait for you, but not for long, and for some reason I decided that maybe that would push you to hurry up. Besides that fact there's the twice today I was faced with you almost naked. The almost-orgasm that the ride to the garage caused this morning. The fact I haven't had sex that I've enjoyed for years." I realise that the wine has completely erased my brain-mouth filter.

"The almost what from this morning?" Jax's voice is a little rough and he takes several deep swallows from his beer.

"Shit, fuck shit shit shit. Umm, nothing." I manage to get out, my face flaming bright red; I'm surprised that Jax can't feel the heat of my cheeks from where he's sitting.

"Na-uh. You said you had an almost-orgasm on my bike." Smugness seems to be radiating from his pores. He finishes half the bottle of beer in his hand and licks his lips. I know he's aware that I'm watching the movement of his mouth when his lips turn upwards.

I throw my hands in the air and decide if he wants to know then I'll tell him. "Okay, I've always gotten turned on by being on a bike with you. But today the combination of my body pressed against you stimulating my nipple rings and the bike vibrations going straight to my pussy piercing made me almost cum while we were riding."

His coughs a bit, and his eyes shoot from my face to my crotch where he's staring like he should be able to see the tiny bar through my jeans.

"Hey, eyes up here." I snap.

His eyes flick back to my face, "So, always huh?"

"Well, from when I was about 16 I guess." I lean back into the chair, realising that I'm about to divulge secrets I hoped would stay with me, the booze flooding my system making my mouth much looser than normal.

"So that's why you used to love riding?" Jax moves around in the chair so he's leaning against the back support, almost draining the bottle he's still holding.

"Only with you. If I'd been on your bike when we went to get Al and Cam I probably would have passed out."

The grin that splits Jax's face is part evil part gleeful and I can just see him planning something, but I actually don't care anymore.

"Fuck Jax, I told you the other night that I've pretty much been in love with you since I was 14 and that surprises you. I really can't wait to see your face when you realise how many times during the past 7 years it's been your face I've seen when I've come."

Jax's jaw drops, I realise that I'm drunk and shouldn't be talking, but I can't seem to shut my mouth. "It was your face that I saw the first time I fingered myself, it was your face I saw every time when I slept with Craig, it was your body I imagined against mine. Every time Craig made me suck him I imagined that it was you instead of him. I've only ever been with one person in case you weren't aware of that already, but it was never his face I saw, it was never his cock in me, it was never him that came inside me. It was always you Jax. It will always be you."

We both sit there silently for several minutes, my chest is heaving a little after rambling at him. I hope he's had more than a couple of beers, and then I might be able to believe he won't remember tomorrow, but looking at him I can tell that he's almost completely sober.

I swing my legs off the chair, intending to go inside.

"I'm sorry if this is too much for you. I'm sorry if I'm dumping shit on you can't deal with. I hope that we can still be friends, but I do understand if we can't. I'm also very aware that I am drunk and should not be attempting to talk to anyone in this state but, well you came out here."

Jax still hasn't moved past finishing the last mouthful of his beer and setting the now empty bottle on the table.

I sit there in silence for what feels like hours, but is probably only 10 minutes. Giving up on getting anything more out of Jax tonight I stand up and move to go to the door, his hand shoots out and grabs me and I jump a little, it's the first movement he's made in a while.

"Sit down." It's not a question, it's a command, I consider for a micro-second ignoring him and going inside, but realise that I've voiced a whole lot of shit at him and he deserves a chance to reply.

Sitting back in the chair I look at him.

"You and I have history that no one understands, Tara didn't even get it. When you showed up back in town I wasn't sure if I was dreaming or not, I'd wished for you to come back for years and then you did. But you came back when I thought I had what I wanted. I thought that Tara was the woman for me and that the reason Wendy had been around was to bring Tara back. But I see that they were both just place holders. Even if you didn't know that Tara was back when you left New York you stayed. From what you said the other night I wouldn't have blamed you if you'd kept going and started again somewhere else." He stops, obviously having noticed me shaking my head.

"Jax, I was on my way back here whether I accepted it or not. Even if Craig hadn't been released I would have come back."

"The thing is though Sarah that I'm not sure now is a good time for any serious relationship. For either of us. You have this Craig shit to work through; I've got a son that I'm not sure will live. My wife just died an..."

"But Wendy dying was her own fault. It's just a miracle that she didn't take Abel with her when she went. And Abel will live, he has to." I interrupt.

"Yes it was her fault, but how much did my actions push her to where she ended up?"

"You didn't buy, cook or inject those drugs into her system Jax; she did all that on her own. Nothing you would have done differently would have changed the fact that she wanted drugs more than she wanted her baby to be healthy and her marriage to survive. I don't believe that she would have thought you'd accept her drug use."

"She knows I wouldn't. Fuck, I put her in rehab and tried to convince Darby's crew not to deal to her, but she didn't stay and they didn't listen."

Jax runs his hands through his hair, "Anyway, I've gotten off track here. While I want to have something with you I don't know if it is the right time yet."

I nod, standing again, but this time I walk over to Jax's chair and sit beside him. "I get that, I really do. But please remember that I'm only human and while I will wait for you, I won't wait forever."

Walking inside I drop my glass in the sink and carry on down the hall to my room, stopping briefly in the living room to say goodnight to Donna, Opie and Happy. I'm sure after the conversation that Jax and I have just had he won't be in tonight, and part of me is glad that the drunken horny side will have no temptation; the part that worries about nightmares is scared though.

AN: Don't normally put these at the bottom but I am for this chapter. The next one is X-rated...very x-rated. If you are under age of consent in your country/state PLEASE don't read it. The plot does not need the x-rated stuff I have written.