CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE

As promised, 5 reviews = next chapter.

Finally, the confrontation between Sarah and Jax that we've all been waiting for. :-)

The drive to Jax's house is completely silent. I don't say a word and thankfully Kip is content to concentrate on driving, I know he doesn't want to have to explain any damage to Gemma's car.

Happy's bike is just behind us and when we get to Jax's he climbs off and comes to the trunk of the car, popping it open he says, "Which bags are yours?"

I pull out my suitcase, 2 boxes and the bag and pile them on the concrete. "That's it."

Hap picks up one of the boxes and heads inside, Kip grabs the other and I'm only left with the suitcase and the bag which I grab and follow them inside.

Jax is standing in his kitchen drinking a beer. As we walk in the door he doesn't say a word. Happy puts the box he's carrying down by the passage so Kip follows his lead and puts the other box down before saying, "Better get the car back. See ya at the garage tomorrow."

With that he leaves, closing the door on the way out and I'm left in the house with a pissed off biker and a man who not long ago could have quite happily buried me in a shallow grave with just an order from his Club president.

Happy mutters something about checking the outside, Jax nods from where he's standing and hands Hap a beer as he walks past. As soon as the back door is closed he turns to me and snaps "Are you going to want to leave every time shit gets hard cause if you are your better off leaving now."

"Did you listen to a word I said?" I know he was upset with me when I suggested leaving, but I would have thought he would have listened to what I said about why I was going to go.

"That load of bullshit. Sarah you've said at least twice since you came back 2 weeks ago that you would leave. Is it something that's going to come out once a week till you eventually do leave?" He's pacing angrily in his kitchen from table to bench; I'm stuck in the doorway. "I'm busy being worried about my son and your safety; do I have to worry about you leaving as well?"

I brush past him and sit down gingerly on the edge of one of the dining chairs, I want to get this over and done with now so hopefully we can get past it and he can understand why I am so ready to leave at the drop of a hat.

"Jax when I left it was the hardest thing that I've ever done. I've told you how hard it was. The reason it seems so easy for me to suggest leaving now is I've done the crying, I've done the grieving for my life here. It took me months to get over it which is why I know I would get over it again, if I get a chance to." I stop for a second while Jax sits across from me, "I don't want to leave, let me get that out first. However, I will leave if anyone wants me to, and I would leave understanding why. Craig is a psycho, he is obsessed with me. I guess I deserve it. I didn't end the relationship when I should have, I stayed and let him treat me the way he did. I am not going to allow him to destroy the lives of my family here; I'm not going to let anyone here reap the consequences of my decisions." I can feel the tears sliding down my cheeks as I stop. Jax jumps back to his feet and starts pacing the kitchen again.

"Why do you think that we'd let you leave? Why do you think that any pain you would feel would be greater than what the ones you leave behind would feel? You don't get the monopoly on bad feelings. You don't get to decide to run away again and leave us to pick up the pieces. You did that once. You have no idea how long it took before Ma would even say your name, let alone re hang any of the photos you were in. None of the guys would admit it but Bobby and Piney both hated it when you left. I know he won't tell you but Hap is happier since you're back...and not just cause you feed his 'secret' cupcake addiction." Jax stops pacing long enough to look at me, "You don't know how hard it was every time I saw either of your cousins, they gloated for weeks after you left that you were so happy where you were, and that you didn't want any of us to know anything about your life."

I snort, "They knew shit about anything. Jacob knew I left and that's it, I didn't tell David a thing about it. I knew he'd rub it in. The only person here that knew anything about where I was or how I was doing is Donna, and she didn't tell you cause I swore her to secrecy."

"You essentially made her lie to her husband and the whole club, you know that don't you." Jax accuses me.

"No, I didn't. I told her flat out if anyone gave her what she saw as an order she couldn't avoid to tell them, whoever it was, the honest answer. None of you obviously did that. Besides that fact, if I left I'm sure that you'd be able to bury your feelings in pussy just like you always do."

Jax looks stunned for a second and I use the chance to continue "I thought that you were trying to get over Tara, I knew that it would mean you'd have other people in your bed, I just didn't think that you'd be so fucken brainless as to fuck someone while I'm sleeping in the next room. The first of Friday nights fucks was bad enough, she had the nerve to try and take something that belongs to me. The second, whoever the fuck she was, was just rubbing salt in the wounds."

Jax's eyes narrow and he stops pacing, leaning against the wall "I didn't know you were keeping that close an eye on me? Do I have to ask permission to do things now, cause that sure as shit ain't happening."

I sigh, the action of pulling air into my lungs and exhaling a moment's silence that I need. "You really are the dumbest shit on this planet. With everything that's been going on between us do you really think that I'm not watching out for you, you have no idea. As for asking permission, why the fuck do you think I would do that? But let me tell you something straight out Jackson Teller, WHEN we end up together, and you and I both know it's coming, then you will not be sticking your dick in anything within Charming, maybe California would be better, that isn't me! Though god knows how many of your previously used pussies I'll have to beat before they get the picture."

Jax blinks a few times, his eyebrow quirking up "When?" I can't work out if the tone of his voice is furious or curious.

I nod "You're not stupid, I'm not stupid. We both know that whatever it is between us will go two ways. Either we'll end up together and it'll be good, or we'll fuck once and be over with it. But Jax, can we get to the main issue here, I'd like to go to sleep and put an end to a fucken awful weekend?" I say, resting my head on my arms, I'm tired and the threads of composure I have been trying to hold are dangerously close to snapping.

"And what is it that you think is the main issue?" Jax asks, venom dripping from his words, somehow the simple question severs any composure I have left.

"You're angry at me cause I left four years ago without telling you. You're angry that I came back now. You're angry that I brought a walking shit pile with me. I think you WANT me to leave again so you can continue to be angry with me. Do you think I want to leave the family I found? Do you think I want to leave the people that I love? Do you think I want to go anywhere with the asshole who raped me more times than I can count? Jax, I just dropped over 400K on a house, do you really think I want to leave?" By the end of my rant I'm almost shouting and Jax has stopped pacing and is standing staring at me, I can't work out what has his face so unnaturally blank.

Happy startles me from my examination of Jax's face when he opens the back door so hard that the handle makes an indentation in the wall. He stalks over to me and I wonder if I'm going to be forced to dig my own grave, "What did you just say?"

"I just spent 400K on a house?" my voice suddenly sounds quiet to my own ears.

"No, before that." Happy snaps, his voice rough and his eyes glinting dangerously.

I think over my sentence and realise in mid rant I'd let the secret go that I really didn't want anyone to know, especially the members of the club. "Fuck," I mutter quietly. "I asked Jax if he really thought I'd want to go anywhere with someone who raped me."

"That's what I thought." Happy says. He steps back from the table where he'd been leaning towards me and opens the fridge. Pulling out a couple of beers he shoves Jax's shoulder as he walks past him which seems to make Jax break out of whatever funk he was stuck in.

Jax sits down across from me while Happy leans against the wall they both offer me their beers after they've opened them but my wrinkled nose and screwed up face brings a smile at least to Happy's face. He makes his excuse and heads off down the hall to Abel's room where I know he's going to the day bed to try and get some sleep. Jax stares at me and I wait, I know that he's going to say something but I'm not sure what.

"Why didn't you tell us?" He asks.

"What good would it have done? Would it have changed anything? Would it have made me forget?" I ask, I'm still angry and even though I know the only part of me that's angry at him is his inability to realise him fucking other people while I'm less than 10 feet from him hurts I can't edit my words. "And you still haven't answered me."

"A'ight," he sighs, "What'd ya want me to respond to first?"

"I don't know. How bout if you really think I want to leave?" I growl.

"Do I think you want to leave, having heard that, no I don't. But I do think you think it would be easier if you did. You wouldn't have to deal with all the shit you left behind, and the people you hurt. Am I angry that you left? Fuck yes I am, the fact that you came back doesn't make me angry, I am angry that it took you Four Years to come back. Am I angry about the walking dead man, nope, he'll get what's coming to him." Jax leans back in his chair and takes a long swallow from his beer. "As for this house, well I am glad you brought one but I hope you didn't do it just to make us happy."

I sigh and rub my forehead while I think about what he said. "Did I buy it just to make you all happy, no. Did I buy it to reassure you all, yes. I will tell you every day if I have to Jackson Teller, but I am back in Charming and I am not going anywhere...unless someone asks me to, in which case fuck the house I'll leave as soon as I can get my ass in the car."

My head hits the table as I let it flop back down. "I'm really tired though, all I want to do now is have a shower and go to sleep. So can you please direct me to the linen cupboard?"

"Sure thing." Jax gets to his feet and leads me down the hall, opening the cupboard I grin at Gemma's over organising of her son when all the towels are piled by size and the bedding by set and size. Pulling out 2 towels I reach back in to grab some dark sheets as Jax goes to close the door, he looks at me and quirks an eyebrow. "What're you doin'?"

I roll my eyes and say, "I don't want light sheets on your couch, the ink'll bleed onto them."

Jax just shakes his head, "I'm sure that we're not done with this conversation, but you are not sleeping on my couch, it's about as comfortable as a wooden board. There are already dark blue sheets on my bed, and if you try and go to the living room I will carry you back down here."

I just nod my head and walk through the door closing it behind me.

AN: As a reminder, this is a re-post this story is completed however my reposting is very erratic.