A/N: This is a story I was compelled to write due to many reasons, mainly my own experiences and those of friends. It will be a multichapter fic dealing with love, forgiveness, mental illness, and the stories you tell yourself to stay intact. I hope it strikes a chord with you guys. Please give me your feedback and let me know what you think. Whether it be your own experiences or thoughts on the writing.
Thanks to Scribbledscenes for her input and continued support.
Three minutes into the sweaty, heart pounding, shiver inducing episode and Aubrey was on the floor. Her body was curled around itself like she could disappear into it. The imploding particles of her body could shrink into nothingness if she just tried, wished hard enough. Instead of relaxing her these thoughts made her curl tighter into a ball, forcing her to jam her shoulder into the corner where two walls met. The ache seemed permanent and the muscle twitches came at the will of her body. The mess of a person in the floor wasn't who she presented to the world. Precious few knew this Aubrey Posen.
She counted in her head; one, two three. Each second marched along, one after the other until they amassed, like ants on a hill ,to create a minute. Once the minutes built up to five she started over because that was the frequency of the pattern. Counting mattered because it always lasted fifteen minutes. Then she could try to be real again. The tension in her muscles would unwind like each fiber had been released from confinement. She would grow to her normal size like she had dosed herself with the magic amount of moments.
This was different. The trigger wasn't a grade or hurtful words taken out of context. It was loss. Three years of keeping quiet, not believing in deserving to be happy, not wanting to know if Chloe could love her back. Three years ending in Chloe with someone else. The fact was like the repeating chorus of a catchy song. She hated it but reminding herself of the facts helped her refrain from crying out because if she did Chloe would come. She would try to make it better but the nearness of what she couldn't have would make it worse. Then she would know what was in Aubrey's heart.
She counted up to fifteen minutes. Three times she started over and when it was done the relief didn't come like normal. She only clenched tighter and wished more. The numbers went on and the panic grew. Her eyes darted from one shadowy pattern on the wall to another. None of them registered as anything but monsters haunting her. The ceiling fan creaked from being off balance but to her ears it sounded like taunts. Her hands went to her ears when every sound became a shout. She needed to block them out. Her voice needed to pierce them all, throw them aside.
Outside someone passed by bouncing a basketball, the sound of dishes rattling in the kitchen, there was music playing loud in the apartment above them, and she couldn't mash her fingers far enough into her ears to stop it. Her body shook, almost convulsed in it's frozen state. The scream was deep down inside her, gathering strength. It swirled like a storm and made it's way up into her belly. She could feel its power. It was a dead language, something she had never spoken before.
Blessed peace came as her ears filled with the sound of a voice so raw with hurt. She did not know it came from her own throat until it started to hurt. The scream ended with a keening wail. the oxygen having all turned to carbon dioxide. The pounding on the door came next. The lock was engaged so she didn't worry about about the immediate entry of her friend but she did forget to lock the connecting door to the bathroom. So, she waited, unable to release just yet.
A redheaded streak burst through the bathroom door, followed by a face peeking around the door frame. Chloe fell to her knees in front of Aubrey, hands going to her face, staring into the blank eyes before her. "Aubrey," she said. It didn't work. The cold of Chloe's hands took the warmth away from her skin. "Aubrey. Look at me. It's me, Chloe!" She smoothed away the hair from Aubrey's face and let the soothing words fall from her lips in a quiet murmur. It wasn't the first time but it had been so long since she had to try to make Aubrey come back from the frenzy in her mind.
Aubrey's eyes focused finally and she saw how close Chloe was to her. Now, the muscles shook out all at the same time and her body flopped like a ragdoll. In seconds she was wrapped in protective arms. The embarrassment that would come later was delayed by relief. Chloe moved so that she was beside her on the floor, gathering her body as close as possible so that most of Aubrey was in contact with her.
She looked up and saw that someone else was there. Beca's eyes, wide and frightened, peered at her from scant feet away. Tears welled in her eyes and started to fall. Nowhere seemed to be safe, even Chloe's arms. She looked away, tucking her head into Chloe's chest and missing the hand motion signaling Beca to retreat. When she didn't count the minutes went fast and she was too tired to notice that she was being tugged up and into her bed. She was too drunk on her own crazy to notice that Chloe slipped in behind her. Hands slipped across her torso where her shirt had risen. They were followed by forearms and locked with the final movement of Chloe's elbow tucking into place against her body.
It was the only way she wanted to fall asleep and when morning came it was the only way she wanted to wake up. Their legs were wrapped together, her head rested against Chloe's collarbone, and her right hand was clasped inside strong fingers. It should be heaven but the taint of last night's fear gave the embrace a different purpose. It didn't mean the same thing to both of them. She moved, gently picking Chloe's arm up and disentangling from her body. When she stood and looked down Chloe still slept. That's when she left. The sight of her peaceful slumber was a last catalyst that pushed her beyond questioning the necessity of her actions. When her body filled with love and it shone out of her like light, she could no longer keep it in check.
She went through the bathroom to her bedroom and packed her bags. Shirts, pants, underwear, and her toiletries. Essentials were all she needed right now. The rest weren't important, not where she was going. She took a last look around, stepping back to her nightstand to lift the small picture frame up. She shoved it in her messenger bag, grabbed her suitcase, and closed the door behind her. In the living room, she found Beca asleep on the couch. She had the throw pulled over her and her hand was tucked under her head. It was peaceful. She looked different at rest, more pleasant than the antagonistic, defensive girl she usually was.
She looked back towards the bedroom and then down at Beca again. One last glance between the two and she extended the handle of the suitcase and rolled it towards the door. Her attempt at stealth was not a success. Beca sat up and stared at Aubrey's back. She rubbed her eyes, clearing away the last of the sleep. "Where are you going?"
Aubrey stopped in her tracks. Her head swiveled around slowly until she could see Beca. "I've just gotta go." Hard eyes bore into Beca, daring her to make this a standoff. "I can't be here right now." She opened the door and set the suitcase across the threshold. "Don't wake up Chloe."
Beca's brow creased, the harshness of the demand took her aback. "So, you're just going to sneak out without saying goodbye to her?" Since day one they challenged each other, justification being their differences and the judgement they threw at each other, but Beca knew how much Aubrey meant to Chloe. Probably, more than she liked but if you take Chloe you get Aubrey too. It hadn't been exactly easy for them to get along but for Chloe's sake they gave each other room to be.
"No, I said goodbye." She throws the words over her shoulder and walks out the door, closing it softly behind her. The guilt chased her down the hall and smacked into her heart. The letter she left on the pillow was a hollow attempt at saying all the things that she couldn't manage to get out of her mouth. She was right. It wasn't fair but it was what she needed. All the stress, all the past issues and her attachment to Chloe, it broke her. She was no longer able to function. It was the second time she was retreating in an attempt to gather the little slips of sanity that she kept inside her mind. She made it to the stairs and rushed down them. If she got to the parking lot there was little chance of getting caught.
Chloe rolled over, the crinkling sound of paper, waking her from her slumber. She reached up, eyes still closed, and pulled the paper away from her cheek and rolled back over onto her back. Her arms stretched out in front of her as she inspected the clean, white sheet. It was torn from her notebook that sat on the desk. The purple and pink lines were familiar. She blinked and drew it closer, reading the words. They weren't coherent at first, just a jumble of neat handwriting. The marks made by the pen cut deep into the paper making an impression like braille on the back that her fingers slid over. The texture helped her focus.
Dear Chloe,
Don't be angry. I need to go, at least for awhile. Don't try to find me. You won't be able to. I think we both know that I need some help and some time to fall out of love with you. Saying that, I love you. I'm sorry I never told you but you obviously had other options. I will contact you and let you know I'm okay.
Love,
Aubrey