Excuse me for errors!
Content warning: Self-harm.
Chapter 13: Falling
"I am your mother."
"No, you're not."
"Yes, I am you silly."
"N-No, no. You're really not!"
"Clearly, you're tired. Go take a shower and I'll heat a cup of cocoa for you okay?"
"No. Trust me, you're not!"
"Has school been too tiring for you? It's alright, mother knows. I'll prepare a warm bath for you. How does that sound?"
"Are you even listening? You're not my mother!"
"A nice relaxing bath and meal will make you happy again! Now go, chop-chop you little lamb. Up you go."
"Listen to me!"
O~O~O~O~O~O~O~
"You know mother cares for you right sweetie?"
"Now put the knife down. You're bleeding too much, honey."
"I'll cook your favourite tonight. Lay off the homework, for now, we're going to have some bonding time! I heard there's this nice movie, how about we watch it tonight?"
"Mother cares for you, honey."
"Mother understands your pain."
"Mother will protect you."
"Mother knows."
"You know mother loves you, right sweetheart?"
"…Yes, of course."
"Of course, I am your mother after all."
O~O~O~O~O~O~O~
I gasp awake to feel soreness from my tensed back muscles, invisible pressure crushing my lungs as sweat once again make their way down my forehead. Pushing myself up, I could feel my shirt sticking to my skin. Forcing myself to settle down my breathing, I rolled off my bed. Rubbing my temples and I tried to will away images and violent whispers from my mind.
Forcing my sluggish limbs, I floundered my way to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, I stared at the dark bruises under my eyes, the too-pale skin as if void of blood, sweat matted hair and blood-shot eyes.
Drawing my eyes down to my hands, a sight of bloodied palms and wrists flashed over the clean skin.
Rubbing my face, I rattled out a sigh, voice coming out in almost a whimper. "When is this going to end?"
Endless dreams have been haunting me for days, weeks? I'm not sure anymore.
What do you want to end? Kneeling on the bathroom floor, I stared into the mirror. I repeated the words.
"What do I want to end?"
My knees ached as time stretches on, I asked myself.
"What do I want to end?"
O~O~O~O~O~O~O~
"What happened to your knees?" A voice rang out from my right. Turning to the side, I see Yamamoto walking beside me, a soft inquisitive smile on his face. We're well on our way to school, Tsuna, Gokudera and Reborn are ahead of us.
The morning air is chilly and refreshing but it did nothing to ease the tight cavity in my chest.
"I kneeled too long doing homework." My mouth worked, staring at Yamamoto's unbuttoned shirt and loosened tie. Glancing forward I've also noticed that everyone is in their summer wear, Gokudera had his sleeves rolled up while Tsuna isn't wearing his tie properly either. 'It's cold out, do these people intend to catch a cold?' I frowned, clutching and drawing my jacket around me tighter and continued.
"I sat too long that my ass hurts from sitting."
The baseball star raises his eyebrows in surprise, "There's homework?". He tilted his head in question, thinking hard. "Didn't we finish them yesterday?" He said and I paused.
"Oh." My mind whirled at a sluggish pace, "did we?" Did we? I pursed my lips.
"Yeah?" Yamamoto's smile twisted unsurely. "The baby even made us finish it before 6 so that we could go fishing!"
I blinked, a vague memory popping up in my mind. "Ah, right." I curled my lips upwards. "That's hardly fishing Yamamoto, Reborn made us fish from vendors in the market. We were chased out and almost got ourselves arrested."
He laughed, arms propping up and behind his head. "Maa, it was fun! Tsuna managed to catch a live shark!"
The image popped up and I huffed, "Reborn threw it at him because he couldn't even fish out any sardines from the pool."
"How and why is there a live shark in the market is beyond me."
He chuckled again. I listened to him heaving a deep breath and stretching his arms above his head. There was a moment of silence before he asked again.
"So why do your knees look like that?" I looked at the guy again, before averting my sight downwards. "Ah."
They're red, mostly red. There are some darker spots in the middle as well as some fading imprints of my bathroom floor. "They haven't faded yet," I said aloud.
"What haven't?"
"The marks. That's why." I answered, turning to face the male again whose smile has disappeared for some reason. He puts his arms down by his side, eyes never leaving as we walked in silence.
He opens his mouth after a minute, "You alright? You seem a bit…out of it these days."
I hummed, staring at a cat jumping off a high wall. "I don't get much sleep these days, watched too much horror you know?" I'm not lying, my dreams are equivalent to horror.
Yamamoto frowned and gave me a puzzled look. "Horror? Tsuna once said that you would avoid watching horror by all me-"
"Oi, you dumb idiots!" Gokudera's voice boomed behind us. Stopping in our tracks, we turned back to realise that we've walked past the school gates. An easily 10 meters gap between us. I huffed a laugh and Yamamoto grinned.
He placed a hand on my back to push me. "Coming!"
"Stinkin lovebirds," Gokudera grumbled once we're close enough to hear him without shouting. "Keep an eye on your surroundings, you dumbasses." He turns to me and scowled, lips twitching as if he's ready to take on something.
I blinked, shuffling on my feet and shrugged Yamamoto's hand off. I looked towards my right to see students milling around the school's courtyard. The clock on the building slowly ticks towards the start of the first period.
Turning back to the boys, I see Reborn nestled himself in Tsuna's hair and found the brunet staring at me, his face somehow carefully blank. I stared back in question and smiled.
"Come on, let's go in before class starts. I prefer not to get my ass mauled first thing in the morning." Hooking my arm with the brunet's, we entered the school's compound and class.
Class was dull and boring, my mind struggled to digest what is being taught in class that I simply gave up. Instead, subtly rubbing my forehead, I replayed the morning conversation with Yamamoto.
"They haven't faded yet."
"What haven't?"
"The marks. That's why."
I frowned, what the hell were we talking about again? Messaging my scalp, I breathed to try and clear my mind. It's annoyingly sluggish for the past few days or weeks. My brain feels like it's being immersed in a jelly-like liquid. Working at a snail's pace as I struggled to piece together a coherent thought let alone conjuring an image.
Scratching my nails across my scalp, I straightened up and fixed my hair only to see everyone standing up and shifting tables.
"Hm?" Turning to Tsuna for answers, the boy just gave me a sheepish grin and I gave him a flat look. 'So you're not paying attention either.'
"Sensei asked us to form groups for the project," Yamamoto answered instead, placing his table across mine. "Project? What project?" I asked, shoving my things into my drawer to tidy up.
"To cut out geometric shapes using cardboards, Shirley-chan." I turned to see Kyoko already seated beside me. "We're going to use it for the coming lessons!" She smiled and clapped her hands. "I want to be in the same group with you, Shirley-chan!"
"I see…" I weakly grinned.
"Move it, baseball idiot!" Gokudera slammed his table against Yamamoto's, utility knives clattering across the tables.
"There's plenty of space for everyone, Gokudera-kun." Tsuna assured, gathering the knives to a corner.
"I'm going to get the cardboard." Yamamoto chirped.
"Hey Shirl, you think you could draw us the measurements for us to cut it out?" Tsuna turned towards me and I blinked. "Huh?"
"I'll help you!" Kyoto cheerfully quipped. Moments later I stared at the boys digging knives into the cardboards. Trying to cut out shapes so we could fold them later.
I observed Tsuna with my chin propped up by my right hand, a bored but exasperated look on my face. The boy is struggling to follow the lines because he apparently doesn't have enough brain cells to use a ruler. Not much surprise there to be honest.
After the 7th slip of control and nearly cutting his fingers, I couldn't bear it anymore and snatched the knife out of his hands. "Hey!"
"We're going to have a bloodbath soon if you keep this up." I deadpanned, jerking the cardboard from him as well. Gokudera, of course, took offense. "Oi! Don't steal Jyuudaime's hard work!"
I placed a ruler along the lines and traced lightly. "You wouldn't want to see your beloved Jyuudaime's blood now do you?"
"Jyuudaime could do it with his eyes closed without hurting himself, you insolent woman!"
"That's a lie and you know it, darling," I replied and he seethed. "Don't call me that!"
Kyoko giggled beside me, placing her pencil down as she finished the last piece. "You're so open-minded Shirley-chan."
Amusement bubbled up within me and I huffed. "It's only when you're surrounded by idiots that you'll receive such wisdom, Kyoko. Men are always dumb in one way or another. Women are your best shot to surviving in this world."
"How wise!" Kyoko laughed. While Tsuna drooped and uttered a weak "That's not true…"
"Uhuh, sure." I stabbed the brown surface and continued. "When was the last time you handled a knife without cutting yourself hm?"
"I'm sure there's at least once…?" He tried to save his dignity in front of his crush but I grinned. "Last cooking lesson, you nicked yourself in at least 10 places."
"Really?" Yamamoto looked up in astonishment.
"Yeah," I nodded, lifting my knife up as it reached the end of the line.
"I was trying to peel an onion! Those things are round!" I look up at him and placed the tip of my knife to my palm, tracing an invisible line.
"You had a gash here, usually people would cut their fingers, not palms." Fingers curled around the tip as Tsuna sputtered for another excuse.
"Give in Tuna," I smiled, "the teacher almost fainted at the amount of blood loss. It was such a sight."
"It's not that much." He groaned, folding his arms on the table.
"It's all over the place. We couldn't even eat the food 'cause you-" I paused when Yamamoto's hand shot out to grip my right hand.
'?'
His face looked aghast as he stared at something below me. Kyoto gasped and screamed for the teacher.
Tsuna pulled his head up and paled. Following his line of sight, I saw a pool of red gathering at the edge of my table. Some flowing over it and dripped into my skirt.
"Oh." I stared. "Blood."
Yamamoto slowly pulled my hand away from my left, pulling the knife out of the wound before it was snatched out by Gokudera. From looks alone, I could see an almost 2 inch long red cut on my palm.
Distantly, I hear myself saying. "It's much better than this though. I mean Tsuna's incident."
'What?'
"Get her to the infirmary room." The teacher urged when she finally saw the mess and I snapped out of my stupor.
"Ah, it's alright sensei. It's just a cut."
"That's not just a cut Shirley-san."
"I accidentally cut myself" I insisted. "I can take of this myself."
"I'll go with you." Kyoko frowned, clutching a worried hand to her chest but I pinned her down with a look. "Stay, Kyoko" Clutching my hand to avoid my blood from dripping too much over the floor, I stood up and said.
"Make sure Tsuna doesn't join me." With that, I turned on my heels and strolled out of the classroom.
Trying to prevent my blood from dripping onto the floor was an impossible task as they keep flowing down my arms in rivulets. The most that I could do was walking fast and pray to the heavens that I don't run into Hibari.
Pushing open the washroom's door, I strode towards the washbasin to pour the little pool of blood in my hands. Lifting the tap open, I began to let it rinse my open palm. Shaking my head in a poor attempt to clear out the haze gathering in my mind.
It was after a while that I realise the washbasin was clogged. Crimson water began to pool. Drips of blood still flow from my palm down to my hand and into the water, dispersing into swirls of red.
I turned off the tap and stared at my reflection blankly before finally letting out a whisper,
"What the hell was that?"
Pain finally starts to kick in from my left palm, a throbbing dull ache that I know would soon spike into painful sharp stabs. But it wasn't enough to keep my mind from racing, wrecking my brain as I tried to remember the instance where I dug the knife into myself.
Running a wet clean right hand through my hair, I slouched over the basin. A little out of breath despite I haven't done anything vigorous for the past few minutes. Trying to think up of something, an explanation, a reason, a goal.
But no matter how I thought of it, I've cut myself. No accident, no excuses, no nothing. Pure clear intentions that were clear enough for all to see. I've dug the knife into my flesh and carved a huge gash into my left hand, insisting that it was an accident when it clearly wasn't.
Pressing a ball of tissue into my left, I pressed into the wound and stared into the mirror for the second time of the day.
"What did I want to end?"
O~O~O~O~O~O~O~
I stayed at the infirmary till the end of school period, silently grateful that Shamal decided to take the day off and no backup nurses has been hired yet. Lounging on the bed with my feet propped up. Covers pulled all the way to my waist to keep the cold out.
I stared out of the window as I watch student race out the courtyard, heading to whatever that fuels their eagerness. Shedding jackets and pulling ties the whole way.
There was chatter outside the door. Snatching a strip of bandage nearby, I wrapped my left hand hastily. Pulling the ends of it to my palm, pinning it in place with fingers as I have no time to tie it properly.
The door slides open as I quickly push my back against the bed frame, going for a mock illusion of resting.
"Shirley." Tsuna pursed his lips and entered, followed by Kyoko, Yamamoto and Gokudera. Covering my left hand with my right, I titled my head and said, "I was honestly expecting you to join me"
He slides to sit on the bed and huffed. "After…after you left, sensei asked us to pack up and use paper and scissors instead." I raised my brows in surprise. "Oh..." Looking at my hands I continued.
"Figures." Resisting the urge to run a hand through my hair, I apologised. "Well… I'm sorry that your hard work went to waste."
"It's not your fault." Yamamoto leaned against the wall, arms crossed as he grinned. "You said it was an accident, right?"
"I…" Struck silent by the question, I run through any possible scenario that would allow someone to misunderstand it was an accident. Frowning, I looked at the boy and questioned myself.
Wasn't it Yamamoto that stopped me?
"Yeah…" was my weak reply. Kyoto stepped forward, concern written all over her face. "Shirley-chan. Are you alright?"
Slipping a smile on my face, I nodded. "Yeah, the nurse patched me up real good." Shifting my hand, I revealed the back of my hand that was covered in bandage.
"Open your fingers." Gokudera suddenly said, standing at the other side of the bed across Tsuna. Startled, I said, "I'm sorry?"
"Open your fingers." He repeated, eyes glued at my injury. Flash of panic shot up as I pressed my fingers harder. "No," shifting away from the bomber, I threw out another excuse. "It hurts when I flex them."
He immediately scowled, "I'm not asking you to flex them. Open your fingers!" I glared at him. "Why is it so important?"
"Shamal didn't come to work today, he passed out drunk last night. You said the nurse patched you up." He sneered. "You're lying."
I sucked in a sharp breath and pressed, "It's fine."
Something brushed against my forearm, I turned to my left to see Tsuna's brushing the tips of his fingers against my skin. I pulled it away from him. "Shirl." Tsuna reach out again, eyes locking with mine "just one look-"
I rolled out of bed instantly, avoiding hands as I rushed to the exit, ignoring the startled calls behind me. "I'm going home."
Picking up speed, I half ran down the empty hallway, suddenly eager to get myself out of this place. But only to stagger back as I bump into someone when I turn into a corner.
Looking up, I cursed.
"Herbivore." His face was less than pleasant, but then since when was it ever not?
"Hibari." I greeted, stepping to the side as I could hear fast approaching footsteps behind me. "I'm sorry, I can't join you in our daily homework session today. Now if you excuse me-"
His hands clamped on my left wrist hard enough that I hissed, tensing my whole arm. Snapping my head up to sneer, "Watch it!"
His eyes are glued to my left hand, which of course, now has blood running down because the bandage has been soaked through. Distantly, I wondered how deep the knife went in.
"Herbivore." He scowled, "your blood is all over Namimori Middle's floor."
"This place needs a little bit of colour anyway," I growled, changing my stance as I tried to tug my hands out of his grip. "Let go!"
"Shirley!" Tsuna's voice rang down the adjacent hall and my panic spiked again. Tugging harder I spat out. "Asshole, let go!"
"Why isn't it properly treated?" He asks instead, tightening his grip on me.
'Of all times' I yelled in my head, 'he finally asks this question at the worst timing possible.'
"Shirley-san," Kusakabe appeared in my peripheral vision, and I snapped my head towards him, noticing that his stance is just a bit wider than usual. "What happened to your hand?"
The footsteps are louder and it would be any second now for the gang to be behind me.
Rage bubbled in the pit of my chest as I sneered again, "an accident!" Turning towards Hibari who has now turned his glare on me. I gritted my teeth and asked, "would you let me go now so that I can treat it better?"
"Shirl!" Tsuna called again, someone's foot skid the floor and crashed into the wall with a dull thud.
"I'm fine Tsuna."
"Bitch, your blood is dripping on the floor," Gokudera said in a tone less than pleasant, stepping up behind me. I scowled, "Naturally occurrence if you're a girl Gokudera."
"Shirley, maybe we should get you to the hospital." I could feel Yamamoto's hand gripping my right elbow.
"Are you all deaf?" I snapped, "I said it's fine!"
"But Shirley," Tsuna stumbled towards me, effectively closing the only space that I could escape from. A cold chill flashed and the burn of anger flared. I whipped my head towards him and threatened, "Tsuna, I swear, one more step and I'll -."
The whole world stopped.
Tsuna's orb shrunk, his movement staggered as stepped backwards. One of his feet kicked the other but Gokudera and Yamamoto managed to catch him. However, their eyes stay glued on me, alarmed and wary.
I blinked and frowned, shaking my head as if to clear my muddled thoughts although it was so clear earlier. "Jump."
"…"
As if a bucket of cold water doused me, I looked up to the group looking at me in mute shock, horror in some, fear in most. I parted my lips to say something, but the sentence rang again.
'One more step and I'll jump.'
Images of the moon and the dark sky flashed in my eyes, green metal gates and grey concrete ledge. Poorly hidden terror and fear saturated eyes that mirror Tsuna's eyes.
I couldn't breathe.
"N-No Tsuna, I didn't mean-" How did they know? I blinked, stopping myself mid-sentence.
Taking a closer look, I can see Gokudera fisting Yamamoto's clothes, preventing the boy from taking a step further. For some reason, I shifted my eyes towards Gokudera. His eyes were wide but calculative. Thoughts racing a thousand miles and there's this one moment where his silver orbs, darted between me, and the space to my left.
Turning my head, I realised 'Ah…'
'An open window.'
Looking to the outside world, it was an easy conclusion to come to. 'They knew.' At least Yamamoto and Gokudera knew. But nevertheless.
They knew.
Angling my head back, I can see Tsuna coming to a slow realisation, as his lips start to twist in a way when he truly panics.
'You told them.'
I conveyed my thoughts as we locked eyes.
'You told them the things I've done.'
'How could you?'
How could you?
*sWitCH*
Everything passed in a blur after that. Kyoko finally caught up to us, lugging around a properly equipped box of first-aid kit. Fussing over my wound as she expertly bound my hand tightly before pushing me to a nearby hospital to get stitches.
Hibari left halfway through while everyone was strangely quiet which was something I need and yet not at the same time. I watched as the nurse in charge unveiled my wound, the bandage sticking and tearing my healed skin.
I barely flinched at the sting of strong antiseptic burning my palm.
I welcomed the sharp stab of the needle as it dove in and out of my flesh.
I barely registered the moment we walk out of the hospital, nor the moment someone hands me my bag.
I wasn't sure if someone had spoken to me, but I knew that somehow I've ended up standing in front of my house.
I was blank, when I walk up the stairs. The door opening to a face I despise, walking into a house where blood had spilt. Up the stairs where voices were coming out of the walls in screams and cries.
I walk into a room where tears and blood had strained the floor.
I sat down on the bed where everything started.
Where all my nightmares started.
Where I hope every time I wake up it would end.
Frost touched my skin as I spoke out loud.
"What did I want to end?"
Gripping my bedsheets, I blinked and thought that the answer to that question was overly simple.
O~O~O~O~O~O~
So I don't know if you noticed, but Shirley is always cold now, even when it's hot out. And yeah, Gokudera and Yamamoto know about Shirley since Reborn forced the story out of Tsuna before. They know that she…tends to be a bit mellow.
Well, it's been a long time guys! I'm sorry it took so long, but I'm back! :D I finally have some time to type now! Although I must admit I'm facing a huge author's block now :) But that's okay, I'll figure out how to get over it soon enough!
Now to reply to the reviews!
To Yuki Suou: Yes, Reborn was talking about Luce. And yes, it's Hibari UwU But fret not! Lots of 27OC moments to come!
To Ieyasus: Thank you for your review! I'm sorry to disappoint you about not having 27OC in this fic. But I can promise you that there will be a lot of 27OC moments though! Changing pairings or having a poly relationship is kind of unlikely but if I figured out any way to write it then it's your lucky day! ^^ Yes, Shirley won't be having any flames UwU I hope you look forward to how that plays out!
To Guest: Why Shirley wants to avoid Sawada Nana? *avert eyes and grins. Stick around to find out! It'll be revealed real in the next chapter!
As for the rest of you! Thank you for your reviews! I hope all of you liked the chapter although it's…kind of dark and…you know. But it's going to end soon! Just a few more chapters and we'll move to the ring and future arc! And yes, it is going to be 18OC! For now *grins
Please leave a review on your way out! Tell me what you want to see in the next chapter! Fuel my writing soul! Motivate me! Leave questions if you have any! I'll answer them ^^
See you all in the next chapter!