Emma was still sitting at her desk in the Sheriff's office four hours later, only having completed one piece of paperwork out of the six that she had to do. She had gone over a plan in her head and she really couldn't find any flaws in it, but then again she was Emma Swan and idiot was apparently her middle name. Well at least if you asked Regina it was.
Her totally brilliant, awesome, foolproof plan was simple really. She would ask Ruby to make Regina's favourite food and then she would deliver it to Regina's door at 5.45 pm so that she didn't have to cook dinner when she got in from work at 6 pm.
Henry was staying with Emma tonight so Regina would be on her own and she would probably appreciate not having to cook a meal for just one person. Unless she had invited fucking bird-boy, of course. Emma was praying that that wasn't what the Mayor had done, although, maybe she would put some nuts and berries in as well, just in case. That's what birds ate, right?
It was exactly two hours later and Emma had only completed one other piece of paperwork. It was now 5 pm and she needed to leave, so the rest would have to wait until tomorrow, which was when they needed to be handed in.
Regina was probably going to go all Evil Queen on her when she realised they weren't finished, but like normal, Emma would just blame David. She enjoyed using variations of the excuse, 'Regina! My dad was literally a shepherd most of his life, until he had to pretend to be his evil twin brother and slay a freakin dragon. Then you went on a mission to kill him and my mother before you cast the curse and had him put in a coma for twenty-eight years. When exactly did you expect him to learn to read and write, huh?'
Once she had said that, Emma usually high-tailed it out of the Mayor's office because Regina would always smile at her dangerously, while talking about how much of a shame it would be if the Saviour's bug spontaneously caught fire, in a sickly sweet tone that was actually quite terrifying.
Anyway, back to the problem at hand. The paperwork could always be completed the next day and there would always be a bear claw waiting for Emma when she got back from dropping it off. They would then pretend like none of it had ever happened, when in fact, the exact same thing happened almost every week.
David arrived to start his shift ten minutes later and Emma literally ran out of the door.
'Hello, Dad. The paperwork isn't done but we'll think of a good excuse tomorrow, ok? I've got to go now. Bye,' she yelled, as she jogged to the front door while also looking in the direction of David who was behind her.
David nodded his head knowing that this was their normal routine. 'Ok, Kiddo. I'll- Emma, watch out,' he shouted.
But Emma didn't watch out and she proceeded to crash straight into her mother, who was coming through the door carrying two cups of very hot coffee.
Emma ended up on the floor as the coffee soaked into her shirt and through her bra. It really fucking hurt and she was trying not to cry.
'Fuck!' She groaned in pain.
'Emma! Sweetie, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?' Asked Snow, who was trying to help her up while David was too busy trying to contain his laughter by putting his hand over his mouth.
'David! Your daughter has just been scolded with hot coffee and you're standing there laughing about it. Maybe it's a good job that we didn't raise her, because you certainly wouldn't have gotten any awards for parenting,' hissed the school teacher.
David straightened his face while Emma snorted at how dramatic Snow was being.
'Mom! I'm fine, it just stings. I need to go... Dad, since you're such a shitty parent you can give me your shirt and pants, because mine are ruined and I have somewhere that I need to be,' winced emma as she held her t-shirt and bra away from her skin.
David chuckled. 'You expect me to go on patrol in my boxer shorts? I would have to arrest myself for indecent exposure. You can have my sweater but I'm keeping the pants. There's a pair of basketball shorts in my locker that you can wear them.'
'Fine! Whatever. Just give me your sweater,' she huffed. So much for her foolproof plan; this was already shaping up to be a disaster and she hadn't even left work yet.
Emma changed into her dad's sweater, which was huge and made her look like she was wearing a tent. And the outfit was topped off nicely with the very large pair of basketball shorts that went down to her ankles. She looked in the mirror and cringed. She resembled a feminine-looking Worzel Gummidge.
'Fuck it! It will have to do,' she muttered as she walked into the room where her Mom and now shirtless Dad were sitting at his desk.
'Wow! You look very... Hip?' Giggled Snow.
Emma scowled at her. 'Just give me your hat. My hair is completely ruined, it looks like I went swimming in a pool full of coffee,' she growled as she stomped over to pull Snow's hat off her head. It was a really ugly bucket hat with bluebirds all over it and Emma made a mental note to burn it as soon as she was finished with it.
She eventually made it to the diner at 5.35 pm and she immediately regretted her decision because as soon as she entered, Ruby burst into uncontrollable laughter which obviously caught everyone else's attention. Once they had figured out what had made her so hysterical, they all proceeded to laugh with her.
'Oh my God, Em. What the fuck are you wearing?' Breathed out the she-wolf, between bouts of laughter.
Emma growled at her friend, before she glared at the rest of the patrons, who actually had the decency to quieten their laughter to sniggers. Not because they were scared of Emma though, but rather because they knew that if Regina got wind of the fact they had made fun of her sensitive Saviour, she would make good on her threat to kill them all.
Regina regularly threatened them, but not usually with murder. It was normally just inconvenient things like vanishing all of Archie's umbrellas, or blunting all of Geppetto tools that he used to carve with. And one time, she had turned David's sword to rubber. He hadn't discovered this until he had attempted to fight off the big baddie they were dealing with that week and it hadn't quite worked out as planned. He had ended up having to use his gun, which just wasn't efficient enough. It was super annoying and inconvenient, and he had gotten bitten. Granted though, he never got on Regina's bad side again and she did eventually heal him. Although that was probably because Henry forced her to.
The murdering threat though, that had happened last week when Emma tripped over her shoe lace and fell flat on her face. The whole diner had roared with laughter. Emma had scrambled to pick herself off the floor and tried glaring dangerously at them, while growling out a threat of her own, making them promptly snap their mouths shut in fear. Well, that's what she thought had happened.
What had actually transpired, was that she had pouted adorably while whining about how if they wanted her to keep saving their sad little little lives then they would show her more respect. After all, she was the Sheriff and the Saviour, for fuck sake. And she thought that she deserved that much at least.
But in reality, the only reason that the occupants of the diner had actually shut up and looked scared, was because Regina was stood behind her making a cut throat gesture with one hand and simultaneously creating a fireball with the other, while also mouthing, 'You will stop laughing this instant or I will fucking kill you all, peasants.'
It was cute and sometimes annoying how they both thought that not one single person was aware of just how enamored the Mayor was with the Sheriff and vice versa. But it was also extremely amusing, so no one ever pointed it out to them. Instead, they just watched as the two idiots in love tried to work up the courage to ask one another out, all while thinking that each other weren't at all interested.
The towns people actually had a little bet going on for how long it would take them together. It had been going for two years now and it was Henry that had initially started it.
Emma's cheeks were tinged red with embarrassment. This was shaping up to be the worst day of her fucking life and she had fought evil fairy tale characters and creatures nearly every week, so that was saying something.
'I was burned by your overly hot coffee and if you don't want me to fine you for exceeding the temperature of what coffee should be served at, then you'll get me my order super fast,' she threatened with a smirk.
Ruby laughed in the Sheriff's face. That was hardly the worst threat she'd ever received and she wasn't scared of Regina anyway, absolute not. She was a wolf and she had ate her fucking boyfriend. Ok, so that was actually accidental, but still. She would rip a bitch apart, well, she probably wouldn't because Snow frowned upon murder unless it was for the greater good. Or, you know, it benefited her. Ruby couldn't be really be bothered with the lecature from her self righteous best friend, but whatever, she still wasn't scared and Regina wasn't even here anyway.
'Ok, Em. Whatever you say,' she replied while rolling her eyes. 'What is it that you want?"
Emma smiled in triumph. Her threat had actually worked and she was still the badass Sheriff that the townspeople respected, even if she was dressed like a hobo. She leaned into the waitress' ear and whispered her order.
Leroy was slouched on the stool next to her and the last thing she wanted was for him to be running around Storybrooke playing town crier, bellowing about how the Saviour was ordering the Evil queen's favourite meal, and that that must mean she was under some kind of slavery curse. She could imagine him telling anyone who would listen, that Regina was obviously using her to do her dirty work, because everyone knows that the worst form of torture is running errands.
Ruby managed to have her order ready in ten minutes, which gave her exactly zero minutes to deliver it because it was already ten to six.
'Idiot!' She hissed to herself, before she quickly thanked Ruby and rushed out of the door carrying a picnic basket that made her look like a very homeless Red Riding Hood. If Red Riding Hood wore an over sized sweater with a bluebird patterned bucket hat.
Ah, but she could stall Regina, couldn't she? Yes! That was perfect. She pulled her phone from the basketball shorts pocket that actually resembled pants and pulled up her messenger app, typing out a text:
'Regina! You have to stay in your office until at least 18:15. There's a cyclops outside of town hall and I need at least fifteen minutes to kill it. So just hold still, ok?'
Yeah, that sounded fine. She would definitely buy that, wouldn't she? Emma grinned evilly at how good she was at coming up with excuses on the spot.
In fact, she was so lost in her evil grinning that she failed to notice Archie shouting for Pongo, who was running full speed towards her. And by the time she had realised, the spotted dog had already snatched the basket containing Regina's favourite food out of her hand and was running down the street with it.
Emma instantly took off after him. She needed that fucking basket, and when Pongo ran through the muddiest puddle, she followed. Unfortunately, that resulted in her slipping and sliding four feet on her ass before she picked herself and continued her chase, minus the hat which had fallen off. She did eventually catch him, but she now looked like a tree monster. She was covered in mud and there were leaves in her now brown hair, and it was exactly thirteen minutes to six.
She grabbed Pongo by his collar and hauled him off to Archie, who was full of apologies and actually the nerve to hand Emma back the hat that she had lost. She grumbled out an, 'It's ok, it's my job,' before storming away with the surprisingly still in on piece basket.
Emma made it to Mifflin street at ten past six and luckily, Regina's car wasn't in the drive. She let out a sigh of relief as she walked up to the front door and placed the basket on the step.
She took her phone out to check the time and realised that while she was running around like a headless chicken trying to catch the stolen basket of food, Regina had actually text her back. She opened up the message and laughed out loud at how fucking dumb she was. The very unnecessarily long text read:
'Miss Swan. I do not know what kind of drugs you have been on but there's definitely no cyclops outside of town Hall. Anyway, I'm not even in my office. Henry has riding lessons on Wednesday's that you refuse to take him to because you're scared of horses, which is just absurd by the way. If you ever listened, then you would know that they don't finish until six-thirty. And even if there was a cyclops, did you really just expect me to sit in my office while you fought it single-handedly? Seriously, Emma. You need to see Archie about your very obvious drug addiction. I'll send Henry straight over when we are finished here and please, try not to let him also develop a habit, as that would be very inconvenient.'
Well, having a drug addiction was probably a lot less humiliating than Regina finding out exactly what she had been through today. She shot off a quick reply as she walked down the driveway towards her own house.
'No special brownies for Henry. Got it'
Ten minutes later and she was back home, stripping off the god-awful clothes that were ripped and covered in mud before she jumped in a red hot shower.
It wasn't until she heard her son's obnoxiously loud voice shouting outside that she remembered he had forgotten his key and she was meant to have dropped it off to him at lunchtime. She quickly got out of the shower and threw on some joggers and a tank top, before she rushed to open the door.
'Mom wants to talk to you. She's outside in the car,' greeted Henry, before leaning in to kiss her on the cheek.
'Fuck! She knows,' whispered Emma, before she slipped on her shoes and walked over to the car.
'Hey, Gina. What's up?' She questioned innocently, trying to remain calm.
'The sky, Miss Swan. But that's not why I'm here,' deadpanned Regina.
'Oh? And why are you here? Because if it's about my drug addiction, I was joking about the brownies,' she rushed out.
'Right!' Started the Mayor sceptically, before she turned deadly serious.
'Sheriff, I need you to investigate a crime. When I came home tonight, there was food all over my porch.'
Shit! This wasn't good. But she stayed silent as Regina continued. 'There was also bits of the woven wicker basket all over my lawn.'
Yep, that was the basket. Well this had turned out brilliantly, hadn't it.
When I asked my neighbours, they all gave me the same description. It was an old filthy looking hobo man, wearing a bluebird print bucket hat and carrying a basket,' she finished.
Wow! Well that was a harsh description, but at least Regina didn't know it was her. Emma had managed to keep her face blank throughout the Mayor's speech, even though she had been freaking the fuck out on the inside and her cheeks were burning. She cleared her throat and replied as calmly as possible.
'Okay! Well, I'll ring David and get him to get right on that. I'm sure that we'll find the food scattering, basket shredding, filthy looking old hobo and his bird bucket hat in no time.'
Regina ducked her head and Emma thought that she was going to pass her something, until she realised that the her shoulders were shaking. She put her hand on her back as Regina lifted her head, tears streaming down her face. Emma was about to ask her if she was alright when she let out the most unladylike snort the Saviour had ever heard, before breaking down into fits of laughter.
Emma really didn't know how to react. She had known Regina for nearly four years and not once had she ever seen the usually very put together Mayor lose control this way. So she waited until the brunette had calmed down enough to actually speak.
'I'm sorry, Emma. But you do know that I have CCTV, don't you?' She chuckled.
Emma did know that, yes. But obviously she had forgotten because she was clearly a fucking dumbass.
'You did look very fetching in your outfit, though. I'm sure old Mrs Hubbard would love to take you out on a date, if you were interested,' she continued, before Emma scowled at her. This only made Regina laugh harder though.
'No? I'm sorry! But seriously, it was a nice thought. You obviously just didn't factor in the wild animals that your mother brought over with her from when she cast the second curse.'
'Whatever! Is that all? Or do you actually want me to arrest myself? Because I'm telling you now, I'd probably prefer to be spending the rest of my life in jail than be standing here right now. And it's not like I haven't been there before, so I know bad it is,' groaned Emma humiliated.
Regina smirked that sexy smirk that made Emma's insides turn to mush, and Emma groaned for a whole different reason.
'Don't be so stupid, dear. Trespassing would only get you a fine. I'm going to leave now because I can see how much you want to escape, but next time you want to surprise me with dinner, you could at least take me out.' She winked at the blonde before driving off, leaving a shell-shocked Emma standing on the side of the road.