Emma was still standing frozen on the side of the road five minutes later, when Henry walked out to see what was taking her so long. He made his way over to stand bedside her and had tried his best to hold in a giggle at the look of confusion on her face.
'Ma, are you okay?' He inquired gently, in order to not spook her.
That seemed to snap her out of whatever daze she was in because she spun round to face him and replied, though she seemed a bit flustered.
'Yeah, of course. I'm fine! Your Mom totally didn't just fry my brain with her vague comments and sexy winks, and I was not just standing here trying to figure out if they were supposed to be code for something or not,' rambled Emma distractedly.
Henry screwed his face up in disgust. 'Ew, Ma. You can't just tell a dude that his mom winked sexily at you. It's weird! You know, maybe you should try those parenting classes Grams goes to,' he replied with a cheeky smile.
Emma barked out a laugh. 'Yeah, sure! I can learn how to give you tummy rubs when you're colicky and sing you nursery rhymes when you're sleepy, and change your diaper when you pee. Those are baby and me classes, kid. They wouldn't work on cheeky bratty teenagers like yourself,' she smirked.
Henry clutched at his chest dramatically in mock hurt. 'You wound me. I am a perfect little prince, just ask Mom,' he smiled smugly.
'Whatever kid. Now get your perfect little princey ass back in that house and finish your homework,' replied Emma, while pushing him forward as he laughed and jogged up the walkway.
Henry went up to his room, but she knew that he probably wasn't doing his homework but instead texting Grace, his friend who was absolutely not his girlfriend. Yeah right! Emma might be slow and oblivious sometimes but she wasn't born yesterday. She was perfectly aware that the "comic club" her son went to on Fridays was actually code for "I'm hanging out with Grace but I don't want Mom to go all Evil Queen, because her only son is growing up and she can't handle it.'
She actually liked Grace, as opposed to Grace's Dad, Jefferson. This wasn't a surprise to anyone considering he literally kidnapped her and threatened her with a gun, while simultaneously trying to seduce her. Well, at least that's how it had felt. What with all the whispering in her ear and touching her arm. Let's not forget all of the eye contact. God, there had been so much eye contact. He had even pulled her hair for fucks sake, and then he'd choked her. Both of which, in her view anyway, were very sexual moves.
Okay, so maybe those last two were because she had bashed him in the face with a telescope. But still, it was fucking weird! And it was all because he had wanted her to use the magic that she didn't even know she possessed to make his fucking top hat spin, which now that she thought about it, sounded like a weird sex euphemism. Yeah, it kind of made sense now.
Emma had only managed to escape because he had also kidnapped MM and she had smashed him in the back with a mallet, before going all badass bandit Snow White and karate kicked him out of the window. He didn't die though, so it was all ok. Grace on the other hand, was actually a lovely person and luckily for her it turned out that madness wasn't genetic. So yeah, hooray for that.
Anyway, back to the predicament of trying to figure out what the vague comment and sexy wink had meant; if it had meant anything at all, which it probably hadn't.
The super-hot Mayor was more than likely just teasing her, but two could play that game. If Regina wanted a surprise dinner then she would get one, just not as she expected. Man, she really wished that she was giving her something else but that would come later. Maybe! Hopefully. Ok, probably not, but a girl could dream, right?
After Emma went over her super ingenious plan in her head, she made Henry and her some dinner before heading to bed. Tomorrow would be a long day and she needed to be in the right frame of mind so that there was not a repeat of today. No sir, definitely not.
The next morning was rather uneventful, the Saviour dropped Henry off at school and then went to grab her morning hot chocolate and bear claw from the diner. Not one person mentioned her hobo clothes; not even Ruby, who would normally jump at the chance to take the piss. It was a refreshing change. What Emma didn't know was that Regina had already been into the diner earlier and warned them all not to speak of it or murders would 100% take place.
After leaving the diner she made her way to the station. Once she got inside she could hear voices and she rounded the corner to see her dad sitting at his desk with her mom, who was stood holding baby Neal.
She grinned as she made her way over. 'Good morning, parents and baby brother. Are we running a family business now?' She teased.
Snow immediately handed Neal off to David and came over to Emma. She put her hand on her cheek, holding her daughters face while looking deep into her eyes. 'Hello, sweetie. Are you okay? You seem very happy this morning, why is that?' She inquired suspiciously.
Emma had absolutely no idea what was going on, but considering that sometimes Snow was just weird she had learned to roll with it. 'I'm fine, Mom. I've had a pick me up from the diner, I'm always in a good mood after that.'
Snow smiled tightly, while her eyes started to fill with tears. 'And who gave you this "pick me up," honey?'
Emma looked baffled at the question. Snow knew perfectly well that Red was at work, but she answered anyway. 'Um, Ruby. Just like she does every morning?'
Apparently that had tipped Snow over the edge, because a second later she had started sobbing. Emma looked towards David who was hiding his face behind Neal, his shoulders were shaking though and she knew he was laughing.
'OMG! David, my best friend. My best friend has corrupted my little girl,' cried Snow.
Emma really had no fucking clue as to what was happening. David walked over to Snow, his face pinched tightly as he tried not to laugh in his wife's face. He put his hand on her arm gently and spoke to her like you would a child.
'Snow, honey. Emma doesn't have a drug addiction, and Ruby isn't her dealer.'
'She just admitted it, David. She just literally said that Ruby gives her a "pick me up" and everyone knows that's code for drugs. And every morning too? We've failed, David! We're the worst parents in all of the realms,' she sobbed. She was hysterical now and Emma was actually starting to get a bit scared.
'Emma, tell your mother that you're not a drug addict,' sighed David. He loved his wife dearly, he really did. But sometimes he found himself wishing that he was still in a coma.
'I'm not a drug addict!' Deadpanned Emma. 'Also, I think you won the award for worst parents of the realms when you stuck me in a tree as a newborn and expected me to be able to keep myself alive. You realise that if Geppetto hadn't lied and snuck Pinocchio in the wardrobe too, I'd have literally starved or froze to death in that forest.'
'OMG! Her harsh words are clearly just the drugs talking. That's exactly what someone with an addiction would say, David. Also, addicts never think that they have a problem. It's okay, sweetie. We'll go to Archie, and I think that you should probably move back home.'
Emma was just about to speak again when she heard quiet sniggering coming from the entryway. She turned her head and saw that Regina was standing there wearing a shit eating grin, obviously thoroughly enjoying the sight of an extremely distressed Snow White.
'Regina,' she growled. She just knew that this had something to do with the Mayor.
'Good morning, Emma. I've just been to the diner and Ruby told me to tell you that you owe her money for this weeks morning visits,' smirked Regina slyly.
'God! It just gets worse. Not only is our daughter an addict, she's also in debt with her dealer,' wailed Snow heartbrokenly into David's shoulder.
Emma had had enough now. 'Mom! I'm not a fucking addict. Also Ruby is not my dealer. You know, sometimes I really fucking hate this town!' She shouted out furiously.
'You know, Snow. Aggression is a common side effect of a drug problem,' provoked Regina gleefully. She just loved watching Snow White crumble in front of her.
'OMG! Gina, what the hell?' Scowled Emma, as she spun around to face the Mayor who was now wearing an evil smirk.
'Now, Emma. It's okay! We're all here to support you, you know. Do you need to take some time off work?' Inquired the Mayor in mock concern.
'You know what, fuck you all! I'm going on patrol,' huffed Emma, as she stomped in the direction of the door.
She didn't get very far though, because Snow was right in front of her a second later, wearing her "stern mom" face.
'No! You absolutely are not! You will stay right here where I can see you. And you are grounded young lady.'
'Grounded? I'm literally thirty-two years old, you can't ground me!'
'I am your mother and until we get your problem under control, you will stay exactly where I can see you. Also, you will not hang around with Ruby anymore. You're officially banned from going to the diner,' declared Snow authoritatively.
'Daaaad! C'mon, this is ridiculous! You believe me, right?' Whined Emma.
How was this her life? How did she go from being an orphan with no family and living in the real world, to living in a town with magic, fairytale characters and parents that were convinced she was a druggy. And to top it off, they actually thought that they could ground her at fucking thirty-two years old.
David was struggling to contain his laughter at his daughter's pouty face. She looked like a four-year-old child and he could see Regina outright cackling from the corner of his eye.
'I'm sorry, kiddo. I don't think that she's going to change her mind. Just take the grounding, at least that way she'll know that you haven't snuck off to smoke crack with Granny,' he replied rather unhelpfully.
'I actually hate you all! Like seriously, you're all absolute cunts,' spat Emma, as she threw herself into her chair like a stroppy teenager.
'EMMA SWAN!! That language is absolutely disgusting and I won't tolerate it. Did your drug addict friends teach you that?' Snow then turned to Regina angrily. 'This is all your fault!'
Emma lost it and exploded angrily, her face was red and her eyes were blazing with fire.
'Yes! Last night Belle and I were sat in the library injecting heroin, before we went to Gold's shop and snorted cocaine. After that we then went to the convent and smoked pot with the blue fairy, and let's not forget when we went and done pills with Archie. We finally ended the night by eating magic mushrooms in the forest with Robin fucking Hood, and his bastard merry men,' she spat sarcastically.
The whole room was deadly silent and nobody knew how to react apart from Regina, when broke down into fits of laughter
'Oh my word! I can't, this is just too good,' she gasped out breathlessly, before she composed herself and turned to her ex nemesis. 'Snow! Emma isn't addicted to drugs.' She heard the Saviour shout out a relieved 'thank you.' She continued on. 'I sent you that text on purpose, it was a joke.'
Snow scowled at her. 'That wasn't funny, Regina. I was about to ask you to build a rehab centre for half the town.'
'Oh, on the contrary dear. It was positively hilarious! I don't think that I've laughed so much in my entire life,' chuckled Regina.
'Yes? Well how is this for hilarious, hm? Family dinner tonight, at my house. And we're going to be playing board games,' smirked Snow victoriously.
Regina's face paled and her laughter instantly stopped. She turned to look at Emma, hoping that she would help her out but she was just smiling smugly at her.
'Ha! It's not quite so funny now is it, Madame Mayor?' She grinned gleefully.
'I said FAMILY dinner, Emma. That also means you too! You're a part of this family too, are you not?'
'Yeah! But sometimes I really wish I wasn't,' she muttered sulkily.
'Your father and I are taking Neal to the park. Do you think that I can trust you two children to behave?' Asked Snow sternly.
The two moody women simultaneously grumbled out a 'yes,' before Snow and David said their goodbyes, reminding them not to be late for dinner. They then left the station.
Five minutes later and the two women were still sat in complete silence. Emma was still upset with Regina, and Regina was now feeling a little guilty for letting her joke go so far. The Mayor walked over to the Sheriff who had her head down, resting on her arms on the desk. She brought her hand up and stroked it down Emma's back as she spoke.
'I'm sorry, Emma. I didn't mean for it to go that far. It's just that sometimes I can't control my impulses. I'm working on it with Archie, but sometimes I slip up and the urge to see Snow White cry is too overwhelming. I just can't help myself,' pouted the Ex-Evil Queen.
Emma looked up then and the sight of the Mayor's pouty face melted her heart. She could never stay mad at Regina when she looked that adorable. She didn't reply. Instead, she rolled her chair back patted her lap and opened her arms.
Regina wasted no time in seating herself on her Saviour's lap. She wrapped her arms around Emma's shoulders and buried her face into her neck, inhaling her favourite scent of vanilla and cinnamon. She sighed happily as Emma's arms wrapped tightly around her waist.
'I'm proud of you, you know? That was the first time this week that you made Snow cry... But, you should also know that you won't get a sticker for today. You know that, right?' She felt Regina nod, so she continued. 'So that means there will be no reward this week... Unless you can earn it back tonight at dinner. But that also means there can be no rude comments about Snow's food, no threats of bodily harm when you lose a game and no setting her clothes on fire because they're ugly. Do you think that you can manage all of that?'
Regina thought about it for a few seconds. They had come up with the reward system for her evil impulses a year ago and she had so far only managed to get enough stickers for two rewards. She didn't know if she could handle a family dinner tonight when her urges were so overwhelming, but she wanted to try it for Emma and Henry.
'Yes! I think I'll be ok, as long as we don't play Monopoly. Your stupid idiot Mother-'
'Gina!' Spoke Emma in a warning tone.
'I'm sorry! Your idiot Mother, who is definitely not stupid.'
'That's better. Only one insult allowed per sentence, remember?'
'She's a cheater though, Em. And it just makes me so mad that I want to hurt her perfect little face.'
'I know! But me and Henry will be there, so it'll be fine,' replied Emma confidently, as she dropped a kiss on Regina's head. Regina responded to this by snuggling in tighter and smiling happily.
The Mayor and the Sheriff continued to cuddle in blissful silence, both soaking up the comfort of the others extremely platonic affections. Because that was just what best friends did, right? Don't say no! They absolutely do!!