Ana's Secret

Ana stares in the mirror after exiting the shower. The past week has been a blur of frenzied work and wedding preparations. She's had dinner with Kate, Mia, and Grace twice this week as they all prepare for the wedding. Ana smiles still amazed that she has landed such a stellar fucked-up hunk of man. Hair dry and teeth brushed Anna frowns…Fifty has been revealing his entire life to me…and I still won't let him into my own deep and dark past. I really should let him know…It's only fair…and I know he wonders about the 'dark time' that mom and I don't discuss.

As I stare into my blue eyes I'm swept into the past through memory. I am 15 again and living in Texas with mom and her new husband, Steve. His dark green eyes are penetrating my every movement, the words of disgust and disdain thrown at me, and his frightening touches and flirtations slowly begin to kill me. I reel at the memory my eyes fill with fear once again. I push myself back to the present and I breathe in and out calming myself. When can I tell Christian? Tomorrow I decide but I've been saying this since the day I bought his birthday present. I even considered telling him in Georgia but I didn't. How do you tell the man you love that the reason you have such low self-esteem and are still so innocent is because of your mother's third husband? Just How?

I leave the bathroom dressed in the powder blue silk nightgown that Caroline Acton purchased. It is 10:30 and Christian is still working in his study. I sigh and sink down beneath the covers, and then because I've been thinking about it so much…my mind drifts to Stephen Morton. Soon, I drift asleep.

I'm standing in the medium sized kitchen in Texas. I drink a glass of ice water and close my eyes. Outside it is 104 degrees and I cannot bear to step foot into the heat. Suddenly the patio door slides open with a low whirr and heavy boots thunk across the floor. I snap my eyes open and see that Steve stands just in front of me wearing an amused smile. His body is covered in dirt and sweat from tending his garden. I shrink away from him as he steps even closer to me. I glance for mom but know I won't find her she is at the neighbor's house discussing who knows what. I gulp my fear escalating and consuming me. Steve has touched me before and said things but mom was always around so he couldn't do much. I put my half full glass in the sink and make my way to my room. Once inside I shut the door and sit on the bed pulling 'Jane' from my bedside table and pour myself into the story. Suddenly my bedroom door bangs open and Steve stands there grinning.

"Where's your mother, Anastasia?" He asks and walks towards me. Sitting on the bed he runs his hand up my calf then to my thigh. Fear once again establishes a permanent home on my body. I stiffen and lose my breath. He sweeps his fingers across my breasts and begins to tell me how lucky I am that I have him. Because I am so ugly that no one will ever want me. Bookworms are detested by men…there is no such thing as prince charming. I shake as he indulges that I am fat and need to exercise. He pulls me from the bed and my heart races,

"Strip" He says and gazes at me with a repulsive look. I shake my head no.

"Leave me alone" I whisper and he steps close and hits me across the face knocking me to the floor.

"What…no one tells me what to do?" He yells and grabbing my shirt he hauls me back up. His hands pull my shirt over my head and I begin to scream at him to stop.

"No stop please! Don't do this!" I beg in fear. Suddenly I am twisted in the sheets and I panic fighting at them.

"Ana…Ana Baby it's just a dream" Christian's voice coaxes me and suddenly his arms are around me. I sob into his chest glad that it was just a dream. Glad that I have this beautiful, fucked-up, overprotective fiancé. Glad that Stephen Morton doesn't know where the hell I am.

"I haven't been fair to you, Christian." I say into his chest as my crying slows.

"Anastasia what are you talking about?" He says tilting my head up to look at my eyes.

"I have a fucked-up past too…" I say quietly and look away from him down to my hands.

"Do you want to tell me?" He asks softly rubbing my back.

"Oh Christian I have wanted to tell you for weeks…I just don't know how." I say exasperated.

"Well, stop overthinking it and just tell me…it cannot out shadow my own history." He says.

"Tomorrow…I promise I'm too tired right now!" I whisper and he kisses my head and gets into bed with me. Snuggling close he urges me to sleep and I do.