UPDATE 08-09-21

*flames increasing*

My company's split is complete but we are doing a mini-Death March to try to get everything working. Probably nothing coming out in August.

So far, the Corona has still not killed me. Stay safe.

Current Status updates can always be found at logicalpremise dot org. If you don't see a story here it's not being worked on:

TWCD: 15% done with next chapter.

Bird of Hermes: Waiting on the next Wave 2 RP. Several pre-wave 3 sessions are already written up.

Lions: On hold for now -- writer's block. :(

STG reports: working on Aloxius Manswell

Engineer's Guide: Next up, battle suits.

Cerb Files : Elcor Worriedly: Done before I die.

Naruto stuff: Intermittent

More detailed information can be found at my own website -- logicalpremise dot org -- including additional artworks, forums, online chat, and much more rapid updates and special articles. There is no advertising or crap.

All of my documentation type stories are free for anyone to use as a resource. If there's something you'd like to use from OSABC or one of my one shots, just shoot me a PM.

Please note that I do NOT do requests unless they directly relate to my own AU for Mass Effect. Naruto I only do one-shot requests, and those must be for something interesting.

MY HOMEPAGE, with UPDATES, ART, SNARK and NOTES, is at : logicalpremise dot org

The official Premiseverse discord is at : https colon slash slash discord dot gg slash jWTuQUs

If the above doesn't work PM me for an invite!

About me :

I write stories about Mass Effect, and Naruto. I am otherwise utterly boring, but since people keep pestering me...

I'm in my 40's (ugh) and I live in Texas. I've gone through some traumatic events in life (parents divorce, suicides, relatives and wife dying, mother having multiple cancers, friends dying in war) that allows me to write about such things based on experience.

I've studied biology, anatomy, cultural anthropology, psychology, geology, physics and chemistry, and I've dabbled in emergency medicine, transport, insurance, telecommunications and publishing. I hold degrees in psychology, management, and communications. I was in the Navy for four years and did my service in the Submarine Force.

I'm a non-denominational Christian who believes firmly that what you say is far less important than what you do, and the appropriate place for religion is in my heart and not splattered over a venue where people come for entertainment. That being said, please do not ask me to read things that are insulting to my religious beliefs.

I'm a black man, which is apparently unusual in fan fiction, as I've only run across a few others, and they're just as fucking crazy as I am.

I write to entertain my readers. I am a massive Melaradark, Aberron, Xabiar and jay8008 fanboy and if you don't read their works there is something wrong with your brain.

I am a cynic , a romantic, and a pessimist. Go figure. Murphy was an optimist.

I don't have a political affiliation, so please, do not PM me with such things. I do not care about politics of any kind. This is a fan fiction site!

REGARDING GUEST REVIEWS:

Positive reviews, negative but constructive reviews that cover typos or errors, or useful guest reviews that don't require commentary are always welcome. I do not respond to reviews in my stories or authors notes, however in most cases.

Negative reviews that consist of nothing but "u suk" or flame-type reviews, especially from cowards who do so as a guest, will be deleted upon receipt. If you don't like my work that is fine, but I'm not really interested in your opinion if you can't even engage me in dialogue and instead prefer to cry like a child.

Cretins such as the Fox Familiar can simply bother another, as I don't have time for attention whores.

My Favorite Authors and Muses

Each of these people inspired me to my works:

Jay8008, Melaradark, Setrus, Owelpost, Wordkrush, Aberron, Bebus, and the Naked Pen.

The Cast and Crew

My official idea-beta guy and chief editor is Liethr

The official copy editor is SLotH4. The secondary copy editor is Mooloor

My team of crazy co-authors are are Jacob, mrosera, and Progman

The Lord of Punctuation and my only begotten son is Pallan Minerva

The guy who encourages me to make everything even more eeevil is NPC

The engineering peeps who fixes all the fiddly bits are Burnsidhe and ArielFetters

The Tonal Architect is my friend Quentin

The Official DLP Overseer is Himura

The Official PV Bartender is Nolanstar

The Official Spacebattles Immigrant and the Lord of Sience is Sevoris

The Official Polandball Administrator is ZeroSumGame

The Official PV General is Kinnix

My Official Inspiration and High Lady of Sol is nimiraj12 who has done more in keeping me going than anyone else.

The Official 'Writer Better Than Me' is B.W.

My Science Minions are Seras, Nogui and Militarist

The Official Guatemala Critic is VSNO

The Official Concerned Person is True Concern (heey concern want an Okeer cookie? o_O)

The Official Warframe Manager is OmegaGregar

The Official PV RPG Managers are EnigmaticOne and Bish09 (something wrong, Colonel?)

The Official PV Powerscalar is Eggnogui

Aberron, Bebus, Hewhoislost, AlexN7, metaladdict, J1MH3RO, 5 Coloured Walker, RED78910, Gaia, Seras and alienyouthct have also been very instrumental and are all both responsible for this train wreck being somewhat readable and a source of many ideas.

The patrons saints of this entire work (and the two people who have encouraged me to keep going when I was about to quit) are Abyssal Shadows and Sherry E. Go PM them if I go missing for nine months again.

The official old grognard site for bitching and complaining about the work in a constructive manner is found at the Dark Lord Potter forums.

ART FOUND IN THE SERIES CAN BE FOUND HERE: logicalpremise dot org

logicalpremise dot deviantart dot com -- my DeviantArt account. Mostly crappy if done by me, but links to actually good art done by others.

Things I like: Romance, angst, humor, any two can serve. All three at once is hard to pull off right. My romances tend to be slower, more psychological, less sexually based. I've begun to like horror, as well.

Things I love: Snark, characters that are part of the environment, rich detailing, attention to the small things, and plot points that rear their heads chapters down the line. Oh, and conspiracies. I love me a conspiracy.

Things that can be good: minor OC's (always useful to flesh out story lines) and the like. An OC can be a major character as long as they aren't the focus of the story. Good battle scenes. Military jargon if you know what you're talking about.

Things I have never been able to like: Self inserts , mainly. I just can't see it. SI's that have LI's with the main characters are particularly grating. I'm sure some of the stories are probably way better than my drivel, but I can't enjoy it. I do not want to imply that they are bad, or that they are a sign of a bad writer. I just have never grasped the whole concept of an SI or made it work in suspending disbelief, particularly in how they are inserted into stories. The only two SI I ever really liked were written by Nimiraj12 and KatKiller.

Things in Mass Effect I always wanted to change: Morinth, Grunt's relationship to Shepard, the whole Council-Shepard dynamic, Saren's doubts, Benezia's struggle, most of Shadow Broker, Miranda, Jacob, and Vega.

Things in Naruto I always wanted to change: Oh, god, where to start. Pretty much EVERYTHING in the Ten-Tails arc. Godtrees? REALLY? Kishamoto is insane.

Mass Effect Story I'm too scared to write: ME 1 , told entirely from Saren's point of view.

Naruto Story I'm too scared to write: What if Danzo was the good guy, despite his way of thinking? What if the alternatives were too horrible to contemplate?

Things I'm too scared to write a crackfic about: Ha, got over that fear. BEHOLD, TRADIUS AHERN, TROLL CHAMPION OF THE GALAXY!

Naruto Stories to write or that have been written:

I write a seriously screwed-up Naruto. He's still an idiot, but his idiocy is a front -- not so that he can fool his friends, but so that he doesn't have to answer the questions in his own head. Madara's Moon-Eye plan is a complete front to prevent the Ninja World from realizing his true goal .. if you have enough power to place the entire world in a genjutsu, you have enough power to pull off almost any other kind of jutsu as well. My Sakura is conflicted , my Hinata is weak and timid and very selfish, and lots of my stories involve conspiracies. Naruto grows up unhappy -- not assassinated, or poisoned, just ignored. Orochimaru is my favorite character.

All Naruto stuff is on hold for the moment. It could be magically updated at any point though.

Forgiveness Requires Regret : Still working on this one, it's basically how Naruto interacts with different people in the aftermath of the Pain fight, and why he is the way he is. I don't recommend reading it, as it needs a complete re-write to say what I'm trying to say.

When Silence Becomes Sin: Minato isn't an idiot. He has enough sense to know why the Third wanted him to be Hokage. Thing is. . . he doesn't feel ready for the job, and a talk with Orochimaru sends things in an entirely new and chaotic direction. Massive AU, many, many changes. Semi-evil but not bwahaha evil Orochimaru. Haven't even decided where to go with this yet, but it will be bizarre!

Unexpected Results at the Journey's End: Trolling at its finest. Planning to add more trolling soon.

The Consequences of Unyielding Will: Basically my total AU rewrite of Naruto, much in the same frame as OSABC is a rewrite of Mass Effect. Not even close to ready. Irregular updates.

Mass Effect Stories to write or that have been written:

All of my ME stories have a female Shepard with an extremely violent, traumatic and scarring Earth background and history as the Butcher of Torfan. The primary mechanic is always Shepard and Garrus, although never romantically. Tali ends up in an emotionally messy relationship with Joker. Ash and Kaiden fall for each other and what happens at Virmire is made even worse. :D

The main focus is always on enduring pain for what must be done, for what is right, for what things should be. There is not a happy ending. If anything, my endings will be more messed up and controversial than the ME3 ones. The entire story is SEVERELY AU, with a focus on realistic reasons and filling plot holes.

The name of the main series is ridiculous for a reason: you'll always remember it.

Of Sheep and Battlechicken (OSABC I): Completed in 2014. My AU retelling of ME1, with a more dangerous, involved Cerberus, a more conflicted Saren and Benezia, treachery, more snark from the Turian councilor (complete with air quotes). The evolution of a dangerous renegade with zero personality and all the empathy of a car tire to a real person. Completed, but currently being overhauled.

OSABC: And Then There Were None: Completed in 2015. A linking piece between OSABC I and OSABC II. Covers the span of time between the games, expanding on Shepard’s character and tidying up the methods of her death while adding fluff, badassery, and Zaeed. Complete, but scheduled for an overhaul.

OSABC II : That Which Cannot Die: Estimated Complete in 2022. My AU retelling of the events in ME2, with a completely new take on Cerberus, the Shadow Broker, and collectors. More psychological and angst driven than the first. Not a happy ending, including portions of Overlord, LofSB and Arrival. In progress.

OSABC: Faith is a Scary Thing : Planned completion in 2022. Short linking piece between ME2 and ME3. Mostly focused on the political fallout of Shepard, Cerberus, and the Collector defeat, and some of the events of Arrival. Also mechano-Tazzik vs. Richard Williams. Outlining completed.

OSABC III : There is a Season: Theoretical completion in 2025. Highly AU retelling of ME3. Very significant deviations, and a complete rewrite of just about everything. Tries to keep match with the wild-ride feel of ME3, including a dual-claymore wielding Grunt and more meaningful interactions (or deaths) for lots of characters. Incorporates From Ashes as well. Also includes the real reason why the Reapers exist. Outlining completed.

OSABC: The Power and the Glory: Theoretical completion in 2026. Linking piece between the conclusion of ME3 and the events of the final chapter. A focus on the changes wrought by the destruction at the end of ME3, the return of the Inusannon, and the consequences of Shepard's choices. Likely to be short and messy. Outlining completed.

OSABC IV: Walk Into Mystery: The finale of the series, focusing more on the children of Shepard and Liara, Garrus Vakarian's daughter, Grunt, and Vigil. Taps into and sets up the trolling in Fear Unrelenting and answers many of the unanswered questions throughout the series. The last book, since things get terribly boring after it's done with the loss of all angst and stupid-evil leaders in the PV. 90% outlined.

Mass Effect One-shots and shorts to write or that have been written:

The Best Father a girl could wish for: Liara's meeting with Aethyta, start to finish, with some extra pieces (complete)

Mother's Tears : Grunt has his turn , a retelling of the fight against the Reaperized Rachni (complete)

No Single Raindrop: Liara, on the asari, love, life, and Shepard. Completed, but the last chapter won't be published for a while due to spoilers (sets up OSABC IV).

OSABC : Sorrows Untold : Everything you really didn't want to know. In progress.

The Encyclopedia Biotica: My finest work, the only actual biotic document anywhere, that explains what biotics is and how it actually works and effects various races. In progress again, with the first expansion to biotics later on.

An Engineer's Guide to the Technology of the Mass Effect Universe: Yet more documentation, this time a guide to the tech, which is rapidly turning into a mix of SCP and X-COM. In progress!

The Cerberus Files: A total of five pieces, one about humanity, the others all about aliens. Constantly in progress. I may work on this from time to time, but do not expect regular updates, as each piece requires research.

Bird of Hermes: Straight up trolling preparation and a run down of actual play sessions for the PV-RPG run, giving backstory and hinting at darker things. In progress.

The STG Files and the STG Guide: Covers the STG's take on big players in the universe, and the races themselves. In progress.

OSABC: Lions in Blue and Silver: The story of the "Legacy" team as mentioned in OSABC. Basically, a prequel. In progress (veeeery slow updates)

Memories Long Forgotten: Rael'Zorah has to complete his Pilgrimage, but gets caught up in a whirlwind of political intrigue, inter-species romance, murder, and a shadow war between a Terminus Warlord and the Shadow Broker. Prequel to OSAB, with cameos by Saren. (dead, lack of interest)

STG Investigative Reports: A series of reports about the three main stories (Benezia Incident, Collector Incident, Crucible Incident) (Hiatus until I get the books done due to retcons!)

Broker Report on the Citadel: Internal Structure and Organization: A proposal by Seven Seven, a document covering the Citadel, C-SEC, the Ministry of Galactic Trade, Spectres, and the Citadel Fleet. Written by the mighty Xabiar! (completed)

Fear Unrelenting, Seen Darkly : My answer to what the Reaper Cycles are really about. What if the Reapers weren't the pinnacle of evolution? What if they were the hiding spots of a post singularity culture that tampered with things best left alone? A companion piece to the main story if you want to know more about the Reapers. (Completed)

Ahern's Guide to Things You Shouldn't be Fighting: an irreverent in-universe take on the original ideas for military forces I have, in story format in a series of communications (and flashbacks) between Tradius Ahern and Ivan Dragunov. A companion piece to the Cerberus Files. (In progress)

Things you should not read while drinking liquid:

Of Serendipity and Balance: 1000% pure crack. Ahern, Troll Champion of the Galaxy, must join forces with the Butcher Saren and the Pyro, Balak, to fight Aethyta Queen of Omega, a brain damaged Harbinger, and the true evil mastermind of the series...Herr Doktor Vernor, dark billionaire and playboy extraordinaire. Also includes Hot Librarian Benezia, Cool Smooth Kai Leng the Illusive Man, Michael Saracino as Ambadassador (not a typo), Mordin and Zaeed in Broadway, and Vigil and Javik as a tag-troll-team to drive Ahern crazy. Includes low-sanity excerpts of the Editing Gang. Not for the faint of heart. (Sanity is for the WEAK!) Updates irregularly and with no rhyme or reason.

THINGS I CANNOT ENJOY OR LIKE IN ANY FICTION (Personal Opinions)

1. Self-inserts. Sorry, after reading more than a few of these, I can't find any of them that actually engage me. I'm not saying they are written badly, but they are not my cup of tea. Too often, the SI takes the focus of the story away from the characters. Hint: if I wanted to read about you, I would not be at a fan fiction literature site. The only SI I like is KatkillerV's and nimiraj's.
2. MPreg, anywhere, for any reason, full stop. Physically impossible, retarded in principle, and basically hateful towards women. I have never read an MPreg story worth spit.
3. Harems, in any verse. They are sexist, unrealistic, childish man-fantasies with submissive boring women who are all alike. Retarded and only produced by males who can't actually understand how women think or react. Please keep in mind that a love triangle or two-some is not a harem. A harem is a group of women (3) who all want to have a relationship with the same guy. And that, my male friends, is bullshit.
4. Stories that are nothing but collections of barely-papered over characters from still other fandoms shoved without sense into the fandom written about. This obviously does not apply to crossover stories, except in extreme cases (nineteen canons do not go into one story.)
5. I tend to dislike smut only stories except for Rae Maegdon. I particularly dislike smut only stories that can't even get the basics of the setting right.
6. Stories that unapologetically steal ideas from other stories without crediting them. I don't mind people using my stuff, my ideas, or even my actual writings -- but please do not slavishly copy my FORMATS. The story-mixed-with-documentation and the service-file-story-background are my creations, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't copy the layout and thought of something new.

THINGS I HAVE COME TO STRONGLY DISLIKE IN NARUTO STORIES: (Personal Opinions)

1. Stories involving yaoi/yuri in the Narutoverse. I have rarely seen them done professionally or well. They come off (at best) as someone's fantasy sex story, usually with very little actual depth. Mind you I am speaking in the terms of yaoi/yuri as homosexual under 18 relationships. KaiIru is fine. NaruSasu is fucking sick.
2. ...come to think of it, ANY kind of sexual activity between 11 and 12 year olds is probably bad. Stories about 12 year old Naruto banging the crap out of Hinata can also go away.
3. Stories that revolve around Naruto's parents being alive, but Naruto basically acting just the same. I need not point out why this is fucking retarded. Double points for neglect stories, which are written by either people who are seriously bitter their own parents sucked or have never had a kid of their own.
4. Stories that make the Kyuubi into a female obsessed with sexing up Naruto. WTF? Seriously? (Noodlehammer gets away with it because it's humor.)
5. God-powered characters. Don't get me wrong, Kishamoto Trollimoto fell into this trap himself with double-rinnegans, susanno-Kyubbi-mokotons and all this other crap.
6. The following pairings: Naruto / Tsunade (nigh-incestuous cradle robbing), Naruto / Orochimaru (REALLY??), Shikamaru/Hinata (WTF), and Gaara/Deidara.
7. As a rule, I dislike stories that change the fundamental nature of the characters. Naruto does not need magical powers, super eyes, goddamned tails, or anything else. They don't make him better. They don't make the story better.
8. More recently -- harem stories. I hate them in general, but I *really* hate them in the Narutoverse because they make the already horribly weak women even WEAKER.

THINGS I HAVE COME TO STRONGLY DISLIKE IN MASS EFFECT STORIES: (Personal Opinions)

1. Stories that are nothing but rehashes of the exact canon content, but with overpowered OC's (or worse) SI's added. Especially when the focus is torn away from Shepard to focus on the OC. If it's a story about something BESIDES Shepard that's one thing, but garbage where the SI/OC is somehow better than everyone else, and ends up becoming more important than Shepard is too stupid to read.
2. Stories that focus on off-the-wall 'romance' that is an excuse to write bad porn, especially ones that make asari into blue human females or pretend quarians out of their suit are just fine taking gangbangs every night.
3. Stories that feature indoctrination theory. It's horrible storytelling and almost always flies in the face of everything we know about indoctrination. You are either indoctrinated or you are not, there is no fantasy threshold below which you are fine and beyond which you are not.
4. Stories that have everyone in the galaxy wanting to sleep with Shepard and Shepard going along with this. I prefer FShep/Liara or MShep/Ashley, followed by MShep/Miranda and FShep/Kaiden, but I have no real problems with other one/one setups. What I cannot stand is a military commander starting a love triangle, or worse, a goddamned harem -- WITH HIS FUCKING SUBORDINATES. What the fuck is this, Mass Effect or Love Hina?
5. Portrayals of geth as AI. Turians as bland soldier sniffers without reason. Krogan as stupid. Salarians as tiny sneak thieves or who all sound like Mordin knock offs.
6. The vile and sick pairing that is Shepard/Wrex. This is simply not a thing, male or female.
7. As a rule, I dislike stories that change the fundamental nature of the setting. A ME without Reapers -- or an equally dangerous and possibly galaxy-ruining threat -- is merely boring. It's okay if you add in something just as BAD as the Reapers , of course, like Progman has.
8. I'm beginning to loathe psychotic and unexplained crossovers that don't even make an attempt at fitting into the setting.