Hello! Sorry for the long absence, real life happened and I had to rewrite my chapter 4 time to made sure it was working like I wanted. As a result he is longer than what I normally publish! I hope you will like it! Don't hesitate to tell me what you think of it.
Thank you to my beta, as always she is the best.
Chapter 33
"We were so worried about you," started the Doctor while doing a quick once over at the same time. "As soon as we realized you were not in the TARDIS, we thought the worst…"
"Yeah about that…" Donna crossed her arms. "I want to know why you thought sending me to the TARDIS was a brilliant idea. What do you think I would have done? Wait for you and Rose with a cup of tea?"
"I just wanted you safe…" he tried to plead, but Donna was having none of this and Rose was clearly not one to help him in that case.
She glared at him with great intensity. "By sending me to a computer that made me hallucinate a whole new life? Great idea!" She was saying it with sarcasm, but the underlying vulnerability was hard to miss. And Rose could not help but wonder what happened to her while she was missing.
"What do you mean?" Rose asked gently, before the Doctor could do it himself, with way less tact.
Donna turned her head, trying her very best to swallow back the tears she felt creeping in her eyes. "It's pretty hard to explain but it was like a dream...I was married and had two children. A whole life…" Her voice broke on the last few words. She knew none of them existed. That Lee and kids were a figment of her imagination, but it appeared to be so real at that moment, and she could not help but miss them. She felt like a piece of her was missing, and it was tearing her apart because she was mourning a dream. She knew it was not the Doctor's fault, but her heart was not feeling the same. Maybe with time. As she looked around, trying not to cross the Doctor's gaze, she realised that someone was missing. "Where is River?"
It was the Doctor's turn to look away as Rose had a sad smile. "She died saving you all. It was the only way to save everyone without having the planet blown apart…"
"Oh, I'm sorry…" Donna said awkwardly. She had liked River, she was spunky and full of life. She would have loved to know more about her, and felt sadness at her brutal ending. "So what happened after I was teleported? Because it was pretty crazy on my end, so I can't imagine what the two of you did." She tried to joke, but instead of the lightened atmosphere she had hoped to create, the tension suddenly became very glacial. She looked at the Doctor but he was too busy examining the ground. "It's something I said?" she asked tentatively.
"No." Said Rose harshly, more in the Doctor's direction than her. "The Doctor will explain everything to you, I need some air." And without another word, she turned heels and marched down into the crowd, disappearing in a few seconds.
When the Doctor's only response to her interrogating look was to look away guiltily, Donna felt the sudden urge to facepalm herself. Or him for that matter. "Ok what did you do?" she asked with a sigh. Half a day without her and everything had gone to hell apparently.
He looked down, knowing Donna will probably murder him right here when he opened his mouth. "I sent her back to the TARDIS by using her own hopper against her…" he mumbled abashedly.
She slapped him hard on the shoulder, making him yelp under the surprise and the pain. "Oh my god, how can you be so stupid?! The fact you tried to send me back is bad enough, but her? Do you have a death wish? No, don't answer that, I don't want to know!" She just wanted to strangle him. All her work for them to talk went right to the toilet because that utter moron was too stupidly in love to realise how insane he was.
"It was too dangerous!" he replied as if the fact completely justified his actions. "I couldn't let her go and sacrifice herself!"
"Let me guess…You tried to do it yourself." His nod was all she needed. She felt her eyes roll so hard they almost got stuck. "You're lucky you're still alive. So, what happened?"
His shoulder slumped over, all fight leaving him. "When River realised what I wanted to do, she knocked me out and took my place. When I woke up, it was already too late. I tried to tell Rose that I could do it but she refused to let me go. She died saving you all."
Donna opened her mouth before closing it and sighing. "I'm so sorry, Doctor," she finally said after a few seconds. That's all the words she had at the moment and she hoped it was enough.
—
Rose was too angry to talk to anyone right this instant. His betrayal was still too raw, and her emotions were still all over the place. He had been a right moron, and even if he had done it to protect her, she still felt like he had failed her. And now River was dead. She knew it was the only way, but they could have found another solution, or make it less painful for her. If the Doctor had understood she was grown up enough to be part of the solution, they would not be here right now. Mourning and angry at each other. At that instant, she was not even sure she wanted to continue to travel together. He had told her they would work on it, be a team and friends again. But at the first sign of hardship he literally threw everything out the window without any way for her to plead her case. She wanted to believe him, that it was just a fluke, but she knew better.
She sighed as she looked around her. At least those people were saved, River's death was not in vain and like Bad Wolf had told her, she will be remembered for years to come. That was the only consolation for her at the moment. With a swallowed sob, she let herself slump down where she was, her back against a bookshelf that had been hazardly discarded in the panic.
.
She didn't know how long she remained there without moving. Her estimate was probably close to an hour. While looking at the ceiling blankly, she felt someone sat down right beside her with a heavy sigh. She turned slightly, crossing the gaze of a man who looked lost and disoriented.
"Do you need help?" she asked kindly, realizing that having a meltdown for a crisis of faith was nothing compared to reappearing after more than a century in a computer.
"I-I-I'm so-sorry I d-don't want to bo-bother you," he stammered, looking embarrassed at the attention. Not really realizing that someone had been there. "I c-can go if y-you want."
"No, don't worry!" she assured him with a smile. "I know it can be hard to be suddenly with all those people and noise. What can I do for you?"
He looked to his right for a few seconds before his shoulder slumped. "I d-d-don't k-know w-where to g-go. I t-tried to a-ask a n-n-node b-but…"
"But they were no help," she finished kindly for him. He nodded rapidly before frustration appeared on his face and she could only feel compassion for him. He only wanted to go back home and nobody was really helping him, too busy trying to run all around.
She put a hand on his shoulder and smiled, showing she was here to help. "No worries, we are near the little shop, and I know for a fact that one of the teleporters is not far from it." She presented her hands in a show of friendship. ""I'm Rose Tyler, and you?""
"L...Leed...Leedian M...Melc...cvoy," he stuttered, with a bit more assurance than before, shaking her hands with force.
"Nice to meet you, Leedian," she responded with a brilliant smile. "Come with me." She got up, with a bit of help from the bookshelf, and turned to the man with a raised eyebrow. When he realized what she wanted to do, he scrambled to get up himself and almost tumbled into a pile of books. Making Rose laugh with mirth. She made a head gesture and after making sure he was following her the right way, stopped at one of the teleporters which was coincidentally empty. "Go to this one, that will take you to a designated spot where you will be able to say to an officer where you want to go." He looked relieved at her words, as the computer repeated the message in the background.
"T-T-Thank you, R...Rose." He smiled back before walking to the teleporter. They waved to each other as the teleporter lightened up and in a second, he was gone.
She waited a few seconds, making sure he would not suddenly reappear, and started to walk back to the only little piece of peace she had been able to find since they landed on the planet. As she crossed the lecture hall, when most of the people were amassed, she was intercepted by a frantic Doctor.
"I've been searching for you all over." His tension poured out of him like water. "You need to be careful, the Vashta Nerada are not gone!"
She snatched her arm back, with a bit more violence than intended and before he could say another word, she slapped him. Hard enough to make the sound echo all around them, making a few people turn around.
He took a step back in surprise before averting his eyes, remorse written all over features. "Ok, I deserve this one. But I'm sorry...I know it's not enough, not after what I've done. I have a lot to atone but…" He sighed. "Donna wanted to go back to the TARDIS, do you want to come or do you need more time?"
She almost told him off, ready to scream and shout, draping herself in her wrath and outrage but she was just tired. Too tired to fight, to claw at every shadow and at his ignorance. So she only nodded and followed him in silence. She knew he was feeling dejected and miserable. He knew he had fucked up, way beyond everything possible, but she was exhausted to try and make sense of his mistakes. On top of that, she wasn't even going to try and make an attempt to accept his attempts at amends for said screw ups right now.
She continued straight until she could see Donna in the distance. The poor woman was also looking worse for wear. The little of what she told them when she was still here had been clearly deeply traumatizing for her, and Rose wanted nothing more than to comfort her. But she didn't know what to say when she was herself so out of it. So she only smiled at her friend, trying to show all the empathy she could not muster to voice right at that instant. Her nod was all the response she needed.
They walked back to the TARDIS in complete silence. None of them were brave enough to break down the stillness that had taken place in their little group. The Doctor wanted nothing more than to talk, but he was not sure what kind of words he should use. He knew he was completely in the wrong, but when he had realized what should be done, he had been suddenly terrified of losing her completely and he had acted irrationally. But now Rose was deeply hurt and Donna grieving a life that never existed. He never felt so powerless
As they walked past the balcony rail they first stopped at, he took out River's diary out of his coat. He had only wanted to slow down a bit, but they all stopped in one go, looking at him with tired but curious eyes.
"Your friend Professor Song. She knew you in the future," started Donna with a thoughtful voice. "But she seemed more distant with me…" She looked briefly at Rose. "How much in the future do you think she came from?"
Rose shrugged. "Unsure. She was not really forthcoming with her information. I'll say maybe 30 years? A bit more? Who knows."
The Doctor could only look sadly at the book, realising that it was now useless for its owner. "This is her diary. My, well, our future." He didn't dare look at Rose, not really certain to want to see what was in her eyes right now. "I could look you up. What do you think? Shall we peek at the end?" he finished somewhat cheeky.
Rose gazed at the book with sorrow. Everything that was River was now only empty words between pages. "Spoilers, I think," she whispered with a broken voice, making Donna and the Doctor wince under the depth of emotions.
After a brief silence, he took out her screwdriver from one of his pockets and put it on the diary. As he turned around, ready to walk back to the TARDIS with the two other women, he suddenly froze, his eyes wide and startled.
"What?" asked Rose, a bit afraid he had finally snapped.
He turned to them, elation written all over his face. "Why? Why would I give her my screwdriver? Why would I do that?" He took out his own sonic and after a second of scanning the other one, his smile became maniacal. He snatched back the other one and turned to Rose with joy, making her almost trip with how close he was getting. "Thing is, future me had years to think about it, all those years to think of a way to save her, and what he did was give her a screwdriver. Why would I do that?" Before they had time to respond he bolted to the big staircase that was nearby.
Donna and Rose looked at each other with surprise, and tried to follow but they soon lost him as he was way faster than them when he wanted. Rose was the first one to give up, her lung ready to burst as she was clearly not as fast as her younger self. Donna tried a bit more but when she could not see him anywhere, she turned around and rejoined Rose who was still catching her breath.
"No idea where he went," Donna said slightly out of breath. "Do you know what happened?"
"Absolutely no idea," rasped Rose. "But oh my god I forgot how fast he could be sometimes. I feel completely ridiculous suddenly." She laughed, realizing how her younger self could lap around her right now if she felt like it.
"Don't be. It's not like he gave us a head start. He screamed and then he was gone." She stopped for a few seconds, frowning. "Do you think he finally cracked?"
"With him? Nothing would surprise me anymore." She was feeling a bit better now that she had completely stopped, but she was still feeling uneasy, especially all alone right here. "We should go back, I don't feel really comfortable to be in the middle of the library with the Vashta Nerada still around."
Donna darted around with a slight look of horror on her face. She was not really keen on going face to face with them. "Mmh yeah, he can meet us on the way, good idea."
They were at the height of the staircase when the Doctor reappeared again, smiling broadly and slightly sweeting. Showing he had run all the way until now.
"Where did you go?" Donna asked, noting that River sonic was now nowhere in sight.
"I saved River." he replied while still smiling like a loon. "I realized that if I knew she would die in advance, why would I give her a sonic if I knew it would be no use? And then it hit me: a neural relay! I knew she would be hit by that much current, making her almost one with the computer for a very brief second! So if I integrated a neural relay, the sonic would use that moment to intercept what is basically her essence, and then I would be able to transfer her in the computer. Just like how Cal did it!" He was almost bouncing with how much he was pleased with himself, making Rose almost smile at his cuteness.
"So she is with Cal right now? Living a life?" Donna's voice was a bit emotional, knowing exactly what was happening to River now.
As they were seeing the TARDIS he slowed down a bit. "Yes, she is dreaming right now of a better life, with no pain and no suffering."
"That's good, she deserves to have a good life. Even if it's a virtual one." Rose nodded, more to herself than anything.
As they crossed the TARDIS doors, the lights flashed a few times, showing them the machine was pleased to see them back. But the mood was not really joyful at the moment, and as soon as Rose walked in, her whole body froze. The map of the whole planet, still calibrated on the anatomy of the Doctor, was still flashing on the monitors, reminding her what she had to go through to get back to him.
When he realised what he was looking at, and how Rose had been able to track him down again, he tried to touch her. Trying his very best to convey how sorry he was. But before his hand could make contact with her, she gave him a frosty glare that made him freeze under her gaze.
Without a word, she turned around while throwing an apologetic smile to Donna to show it was absolutely not against her, and walked straight in the bowels of the TARDIS. After a few seconds the Doctor gave the impression he would follow her, but only walked to the guardrail and sat down heavily in the padded chair, taking his head into his hands.
"I screwed up, didn't I?" he asked quietly whilst completely deflating into himself. He had made a grave mistake and now...Now he was losing Rose. When he had heard River say his name, he had wondered how a future regeneration of him could have lost Rose so badly, when she was right here. But now he realized that future him had nothing to do with it. It was all him. When River had told him he would regret it, he had assured her he would bear the consequence of his action if that meant she was alive. But now he was not certain. How could he go on if she left him once again?
Donna sat down beside him, compassion radiating from all around her. "What happened? I understand trying to protect me. Not that I fully forgive you right now. But I understand. I'm not really equipped with dealing with that kind of thing. Whacking an alien around the head, no problem. But a man eating swarms? Above my paygrade," she joked. "But Rose? She is a warrior. She literally travelled dimensions, fought in war, lost everything five times over. But she is still here, ready to fight, if that means saving one person. What do you think would happen when you sent her back, without even asking her thoughts on it?"
He lifted his head, misery on his face. "That's the issue. I didn't think. When I sent you back, I knew she would not go down without a fight, that's why I let it go when she refused to follow us. But that was ok, we were together and even if you would have cursed a storm when we would be back, it would be a story to tell at night and that's it. But then River said my name, and all I could think was that I already lost Rose...And I lost my mind…" He sighed again. That was the issue, he didn't think clearly at all when the moment the possibility of losing Rose - now or later - became real.
Donna looked at him curiously. "I said your name everyday and you never lost it on me you know."
He had a pained smile at the image, but he was far too gone to see the complete humour in her words. "No, River said the beginning of my real name. The one given to me on Gallifrey. The only way to uncover it, except to ask those on Gallifrey but it's impossible nowaday, is my gallifreyan wedding."
She jerked up at the revelation. "Wait, does that mean you will be married to River? Like proper married and all?" He could only nod. Saying it loud was a bit too much for him, too real. She looked pensive for a few seconds. "Uh weird, I didn't have that feeling at all. Are you sure? I mean, there is no other way? Because, no offense Doctor but for once I'm already surprised enough that Rose is in love with you, so River...And second, she seemed more enthralled with Rose than you. And I didn't feel any romantic feelings at all from anywhere. Unless I missed something when I was on the computer."
"I'm certain. she said that part of my name. And like I said, the only way for her to know it is to learn it during our wedding." He knew he was a bit forceful with her, but it was already hard enough to know that part of his future, repeating it was not helping his mood in the slightest.
"Wait. You just said she told you a part of your name right? Not the totality?" He nodded again, her excitation intriguing him, but he was still not seeing where she was heading with this. "Can she learn it from someone else? Like for example if someone just makes her repeat a few sounds that look like the beginning of your name?"
"That's...a possibility. But it's really far-fetched Donna…" He knew she was saying this because he was really down and on the verge of probably crying on her shoulder, but even for him it was a bit much.
But Donna was not really listening to him, the idea she suddenly had taking form in her head and made her almost bounce on the seat. Funnily making her look a bit like the Doctor. "No, no you said it yourself! You had years, even decades to think about that moment! When she said your name, I suppose it was really important? She didn't seem to be the kind of woman to throw that kind of information around just for the hell of it."
He straightened up, a glimmer of hope in his eyes. "We were running from the Vashta Nerada and I was accusing her of stealing the sonic from me. I was not trusting her at all, and I would have never had her lead us to the center of the planet if that was the case. I would have insisted on a different way!"
"And she would not have been able to save us in time," Donna added while she was on a roll. "And future you knew that. Hell, I suppose Rose did too. Because she knew Rose, Doctor. Not in a furtive kind of way like myself. She probably saw me once or twice, heard about me. But she was obviously friends with Rose. They probably talked often, and if Rose was there when she told your name…" She didn't have to finish where her thoughts were going, as he already jumped up and was now pacing back and forth in front of the console as he came to the same conclusion.
He passed his hands in his hair, making it stick all around. "She was there but that's not the point. I told her what happened and what it was implying. The only things those implications could mean. And I was thinking about how that made no sense, because how can River know Rose and I, and still be married to me. Because…" He stopped suddenly and looked at Donna with shocked eyes.
"Because you love her," Donna finished his thought. She knew her best friend's feelings, but she also knew how skittish he was around the topic. Even more now that it was a possibility. "Doctor, if what I think is right, what you did to Rose is even worse than you think..."
"Because I broke her trust." He started to pace again. "I thought I was already losing her. River was the manifestation of that. It was already written by the universe, so breaking her trust was the price I was ready to pay if that meant she would live. She would hate me, but she would be alive. And maybe it would hurt less when she decided she was ready to turn the page on me and live her life." He suddenly faced Donna, his eyes wild and panicked. "But if what you think is right…" He didn't dare say it aloud. He couldn't. Not when too much was at stake.
Her shoulders dropped when she realised his thought process and why he did it. He had tried to self sabotage himself, to make Rose the one to leave him when the time was right. He could be the most brave person in the universe, but when it came to Rose he was a coward through and through. And she was afraid of that for once, he would lay in the bed of his own making. "Doctor… You've heard about self-fulfilling prophecies, right?" she asked with a sad voice.
"I need to talk to her," he said suddenly, already turning around and ready to barrel through the hallway of the TARDIS before freezing up. "Wait, Donna I…"
"Go. We'll talk later." She smiled sadly. She knew he also felt guilty with what she went through, but the life she had lived was just a dream and yes she would love to talk about it. Because if she didn't, it would eat at her, but she was afraid that if he stayed with her, it would be too late for Rose. What they had was still very fragile, and he had trampled it carelessly. She could wait an hour or two, nothing a good cup of tea couldn't cure in the meantime. And maybe having a bit of time for herself would also help clear her mind.
"I'll be back and we will talk ok? And, Donna, I'm sorry I did that to you. I just wanted to protect you. I know it's not really a justification but I'm sorry." Then before she could respond, he had run off in search of Rose.
Rose was exhausted. The adventure had completely drained her emotionally and physically. And it had taken way more time to find her bedroom than normally. She just wanted to lay down and sleep for the next day then take a shower. And as she looked with morosity at her bags discarded near her wardrobe, she realized she had to make a choice. She knew she could not avoid him forever. They had a mission, and she was determined to see it through, but she was starting to think that maybe doing it separately for the moment could be a good start.
River had implied what her future could enthral, but not everything was written in stone, and right at that instant, she was not sure it was something she wanted to consider. Because even with how much they wanted it to work, the issue was the Doctor didn't trust her enough in the field. She had been ok with it when she was younger, but now she had seen too much to be relegated to the second plan. Especially with what was coming, she could not risk having everything crumble down because the Doctor felt too righteous to accept her expertise, and decide in the middle of the battle to shelter her. People would die and she would never forgive herself.
As she was planning her way to tell the Doctor she was leaving, her mind already trying to find what to say to Donna, she heard someone knock timidly on her door. When she turned around, the Doctor was looking at her, waiting for her to invite him into her space.
She hesitated for a few seconds, and even debated with herself to just close the door in his face, before deciding that maybe it was the right moment to tell him what she was thinking. So she shrugged and indicated he could enter her room. It took him only a moment before coming inside, closing the door behind him and sitting down in one of her chairs. He made sure they still had space between them, uncertain of what he could or could not do right at that instant.
"Look Doctor…" Rose began, but before she could continue he brutally sat up, his gaze fierce and pleading.
"I'm sorry, Rose. I know what I did was wrong, it's just…I'm sorry."
She scrubbed her brow, closing her eyes as she sighed. "I know, Doctor, and that's the issue…"
"What do you mean?" he asked cautiously, not really following what she meant.
"You're always sorry. But then something happens, and you keep me in the background so you can be the big savior that knows more. You talk about being friends, but you know what, Doctor? You never saw me as an equal. You will always think of yourself as the superior one."
He shot up from his chair, his back straight. "I'm the one who can regenerate! If you die, you're dead, that's it! Being linked to the TARDIS doesn't mean coming back from the dead!"
She stood up in turn, her emotions heightened by the insane day. "And what do you think would have happened when you'd connected yourself to that computer? What do you think I would have felt if I got there too late and you were already dead? Or what Donna would have felt? That's the problem, Doctor, you don't think about others, only yourself!" She knew she was now screaming, but the dam had broken and now everything was pouring through.
His eyes were ablaze under the anger her words incited, standing practically nose to nose with her. "I am the last of the Time Lords, it's my duty to protect the universe! So yes I'm the superior being, but it's because when it's a choice between others and myself, I need to be able to do the right thing! But I knew you would try to interfere with the plan and plug yourself to that damn computer! And then what?"
"Then you'd still be alive!" she shouted back. "Plus it's my job too! I took an oath to protect, to serve and to lay my life if needed. I am as competent as you! And you were so sure it was the only decision we could make, you took upon yourself to exclude me! Did you stop for one second to think that maybe if you included me, we would have found a different possibility? Or one where River didn't have to die like that?" His facial expression was response enough. "Of course not! The only thing in your mind was how you are the one with the big brain, the mighty Time Lord, always so right, so sure!"
"I can't let you die! Because I knew that's what you would do! And I was already losing you, I couldn't let you die on top of that!"
She rolled her eyes at his dramatism. "You weren't losing me. We would have found another way. Even then between you and me, like you said, you are the protector of the universe. You are the one that has to keep on living, we are all replaceable in the scheme of things." She was pragmatic, she was there to stop the multiverse from dying, but the Doctor will be the one that will stop the threat in the end. If she died tomorrow, that would not change the outcome now that he was aware of it. She wanted to be there to fight, but between her and the Doctor, she would always choose the Doctor.
The pain on his face became suddenly almost unbearable. "Don't say that...Please. I lost you once, I can't lose you again. Don't ask me to choose between you and the universe.."
The fight left her at all once at his words. "What do you mean?"
He took a step back, a hand already in his hair. "I thought I already lost you with River, with what she said it became inevitable. And the idea of losing you even before that...I couldn't do it. That's why I sent you back."
She walked to him, taking one of his hands into hers and waited until he was able to look at her. "Doctor, I love you, I really do. But I can't stay if you treat me like that. You can't send me back to the sidelines everytime you fear for my safety. I know you mean well, but if you want me in the TARDIS, then you'll have to treat me as an equal. Because if you do something like that again, I will leave. And I will not come back." She wanted to tell him she almost did it right now, and was still considering it a bit, but she didn't want to crush him further. "I don't know what you want…"
He stayed silent for a few seconds before his posture loosened up, like it had waited all day for that. "I want...I want to be with you," he finally admitted. He was already on the verge of losing her forever, so it was now or never. He knew that moment would define their future, and if he screwed up, any future chances would be a miracle. He already lost her once. Almost twice with what he thought happened with River, so he could not do it a third time. Not without wrecking himself completely. He could not help himself and stroked her cheek, placing his forehead on hers. "I can't promise I won't try to protect you in the future, because I am serious when I say I can regenerate and not you. But I will promise to ask for your input, and I will try my best to not diminish your ideas. I know I can be a bit arrogant, but without you I'm just the Doctor. Together we are the stuff of legend." He made sure he looked her in the eyes as he smiled. "What is Shiver without Shake?"
She smiled back, still a bit shaken by his sweet gesture. "Absolutely nothing." She became serious once again when she realized what he had said earlier. "About what River said…"
"Yeah about that…" He looked a bit embarrassed as he grimaced, looking anywhere but her. "We discussed it with Donna and we think that maybe...Eventually...It is in the range of possibilities that...Well…"
"You did not marry her in the future? And she knows your name because someone else told her? Well made her learn it."
He looked at her with an astonished face, his mouth wide open. "Yes, how do you know?"
She shrugged. "She told me. Well she let it escape without meaning it, but same thing."
He was so stunned he literally fell into one of her bags. Fortunately, one of the sturdiest one. "So you know…"
"That marrying you is apparently in the realm of possibilities? Yes. That doesn't mean it will happen. Because I was serious, Doctor, you do that to me again and I'm gone. I will never let anyone, not even you, treat me like a second thought. So yes, maybe one day it will happen. But today? No, you need to prove to me you meant what you said."
He nodded, a bit subdued. "And does that scare you?" he finally asked after a few seconds. The idea of marrying anyone had been terrifying for him once upon a time. But now faced with the possibility of losing Rose forever? He was not sure. Not that he was ready, but knowing it could be a possible future, it scared him less than he thought.
Scared her? She had been ready to drop her whole life for him when she was 19. She had been so desperately in love with him, she would have probably said yes on the spot if he had asked. Now she was more mature and time had passed. Starting a relationship with him, once they were on the same page was a nice thought to have but marrying him? That was a bit too much at that instant. "I don't want to think about it right now, because I want us to have a future. But I want it to be equal and right now? I'm still hurt and angry with you. So can we focus on being friends?" She loved him with everything she had, but she could not let herself open up again for her to be left broken. She would not survive it. So she hoped friends would be enough for now.
His brilliant smile was all she needed. "Friends will always be enough with you. But you're right, I need to prove myself to you before anything else." He knew it would be hard. It's difficult to change some habits, especially when he tended to react irrationally when it came to Rose. But she deserves it, especially because it meant keeping her in his life.
As he smiled at her with adoration, she felt the sudden urge to hug him. Before she had time to rethink her plan, she launched herself to him, making him take a step back under the surprise. After a second, he tightened his embrace, making her feel warm and protected. She didn't know how long they stayed that way, just them but after a time, he relentuctly broke it, looking at her with sad eyes.
"I need to see Donna," he said with hesitation. "I think she needs to talk after what she went through." He looked at the door then at their hands still entwined. "Do you want to come?"
She smiled and pulled him to the door. She knew him too well. Talking about his feelings was not something he liked to do, and it had probably been hard enough as it is for him. So it will be enough for now. Her heart has already waited decades, she could wait a bit more.
The walk to the kitchen, when they supposed Donna was, had been quiet. They walked side by side, their hands firmly interlaced. It was like they had passed a level in their intimacy, their fight and subsequent discussion had been the push needed to make them realize what had been wrong in their relationship. The lack of communication was an issue they needed to overcome but they were on the correct path. When they crossed the kitchen door, they were welcomed by Donna surrounded by cake of all sorts.
"They were already there when I came in," she said as a justification when she saw their surprised faces.
Rose only shrugged, and served herself a slice of chocolate cake as she sat down near the other woman. "How are you feeling?" she finally asked after a few seconds, while the Doctor had decided that a slice of carrot cake was the thing to do.
"To be honest? I've been better. I know they never existed, it was only the computer's doing, but they seemed so real at the time. It's like I'm mourning them, and that's ridiculous, I know," she scoffed, trying not to cry into her apple pie.
Rose put her arms around Donna's shoulder, trying to convey her compassion. "It's not. For you it was real. You really thought they were there with you. It's normal to cry about it, don't worry. And maybe they were, did you search their name in the database? Everyone had to register before leaving." She looked at the Doctor who was shaking his head sadly.
"Nobody was named Lee in the library that day. And I suppose the kids didn't exist either…" Donna scoffed again. "How could they exist? He was basically the perfect man, and they were so completely...us… Now I need to accept reality and move on."
"Donna," started the Doctor, unsure of what to say. "If I could help, I would."
She put a piece of her pie in her mouth, trying her best to not cry. "I know…"
"The computer created a whole life for you?" asked Rose tentatively, trying her best to understand. She had only been here at the beginning, so she was unsure of what happened to her friend.
"Yes, made me meet Lee. We married and then had two kids, and a boring job. It was basically a normal life in London. Nothing out of the ordinary. I was even dieting… For the good it did. Should have known it was a dream when it basically launched the perfect man at me. Tall, gorgeous, blue eyes you could get lost in, and could barely speak a word. His stutter was so bad, I was practically speaking to myself at the beginning. Can you imagine?" She laughed, but it was still hollow. She just needed a few days, maybe weeks. And treat it like a dream, maybe it will disappear one day.
Rose, who had a piece of cake in her mouth, swallowed it the wrong way at Donna's words, making her cough like she was strangling herself. The Doctor jumped at her side, knocking the wind out of her by hitting her back repetitively.
"Are you ok?" he asked, visibly worried.
"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Rose asked between two coughs.
Donna and the Doctor looked at each other before she turned back to Rose. "He was gorgeous, tall and practically mute?"
"And you said his name was Lee?"
"Yes Lee McAvoy. But I checked that too… No match."
"Oh my god!" Rose screamed, making them jump under the surprise. "I met him! At the library, I talked to him!"
"What?" screamed back Donna, toppling the poor Doctor as she jumped from her chair.
Rose stood excitedly, her cake completely forgotten. "His name is Leedan Melcoy, I helped him find a teleporter. Does he have brown hair?"
"Yes!" Donna tried to remain somewhat calm as she turned to the Doctor who still looked stunned. "We need to find him."
He crossed their hopeful gaze and sighed. "Ok, let's go." Here we go again, he thought. At least they were smiling again. That's all that mattered for him.