Cobra Persona Monkeywrench
"Now that that stupidity is over with…" Cobra Commander sighed. "We can focus on…"
"Some other stupidity?" Crystal Ball quipped.
The monitor crackled to life again. "Due to popular demand we're going to bring you another episode of Cobra Persona!" Vapor said cheerfully.
"WHAT?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Oh goody," Crystal Ball quipped. "A double feature of fools."
"What he said," The Baroness admitted.
"You were right," Destro sighed at Crystal Ball. "More stupidity."
"And here now is everyone's favorite motorhead!" Vapor announced. "Monkeywrench!"
"What is this?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Dreadnok Day?"
"Hello everyone out there in TV Land!" Monkeywrench cheered and waved to the camera.
Zero began. "Now your real name is Bill Winkie and you hail from Rhys, North Wales. Correct?"
"That's right," Monkeywrench said proudly. "I'm Welsh born and bred!"
"Then how come you sound Australian?" Vapor realized something. "Because Welsh accents and Australian accents are very different. And you sound more Australian than Welsh."
"Me Mum was originally from Australia but she got kicked out of the country by being too violent or something," Monkeywrench explained. "Or was she on the run? Either way I picked up my accent from her and my uncles and aunts who visited us a lot. Usually while they were on the lam."
"Ah," Vapor nodded.
"And when I lived in London for a bit, me flat mates were Australian," Monkeywrench added. "Plus, I've been living in Australia for a while with the Dreadnoks so yeah it kind of stuck."
"That explains it," Zero nodded.
"Fun fact," Monkeywrench grinned. "Me birthday is the same as Guy Fawkes Day!"
"Isn't that named after the guy who tried to blow up Parliament with a lot of dynamite?" Zero asked.
"That's right," Monkeywrench grinned. "And I showed a love of explosions at an early age myself! When I was only two I blew up me crib!"
"And another piece of the puzzle falls into place," Destro sighed.
"The bigger puzzle is why we still hang out with these lunatics?" The Baroness sighed.
"I guess I took after my old man," Monkeywrench explained. "See he was a member of the Wales Freedom Army."
"You mean the Free Wales Army?" Zero asked. "The Welsh independence paramilitary organization?"
"No, my Dad and his mates were kicked out of the Free Wales Army for being too violent," Monkeywrench explained. "And blowing up the wrong bridge."
"So for you, being a terrorist is genetic?" Vapor asked.
"Yup," Monkeywrench said proudly. "I'm carrying on the family tradition of mayhem, murder and blowing up stuff!"
"And to think," Destro said dryly. "Some people think nobody believes in family values anymore."
"I also learned the family creed," Monkeywrench added. "If you can't make money from it, it's not worth doing. I followed that creed. I charged money to the other tykes around town to blow stuff up. And also, to not blow stuff up. I got a lot of money for that one. Mostly from parents."
"Extortion at an early age," The Baroness sighed. "Charming."
"I wanted nothing more than to be like my Dad and uncles," Monkeywrench sighed. "They taught me everything they knew. And after that afternoon I just picked everything else up naturally."
"You were an explosives prodigy?" Zero asked.
"Was I ever!" Monkeywrench beamed proudly. "At the ripe old age of nine I made enough homemade explosives for the Wales Freedom Army to blow up a bridge to get back at the British. Unfortunately, it was the wrong one."
"Oh boy…" Destro winced.
"Didn't see me Dad for a while after that," Monkeywrench sighed. "He went away for a bit."
"Prison?" Zero asked.
"Hospital," Monkeywrench corrected. "The burn ward unit."
"Oh," Zero winced.
"Then when he got a bit better he got arrested and sent to prison," Monkeywrench explained. "See it took a while for the coppers to figure out who he was. He was all bandaged up and didn't have any fingerprints left. They all got blasted away. From what was left of his fingers."
"I see," Vapor remarked.
"Probably wouldn't have been arrested if that dentist didn't identify the teeth he left at the blast site," Monkeywrench added. "I got pinched too with me uncles. Me old man always was a bit of a blabbermouth. Well once they understood him because you know? Almost no teeth left…"
"Oh dear," Zero remarked.
"I was never formally charged because of my age," Monkeywrench explained. "But after that day I was never really accepted in my town. Then again, I was pretty much an outcast anyway after me old man set fire to the welfare office because they cut off his checks."
"Uh huh," Zero remarked.
"And of course, the whole Australian thing didn't help either. But after that whole incident there was a real difference," Monkeywrench went on. "Nobody would sit with me for lunchtime. Then again that could have been the smell. I wasn't taking too many baths back then."
"How does that differ from the present?" The Baroness grumbled.
"Nobody invited me to their birthday parties," Monkeywrench added. "That was fine. It was more fun crashing them anyway and stealing their cake and toys!"
"He must have been such a charming child," The Baroness groaned.
"When I wasn't chosen for the lead in the school play I was so mad…" Monkeywrench chuckled. "Well let's just say I brought down the house in a big way. And half the cafeteria. That's one of the reasons I left school before I was sixteen. And Wales."
"I see," Zero remarked.
"I was on the run," Monkeywrench remarked.
"We figured that," Vapor sighed.
"I made my way to London's East End," Monkeywrench explained. "Where I got a real education! I learned how to be crude, rude and one mean dude in ways I didn't even think were possible."
"I believe it," Destro sighed. "Until I met the Dreadnoks as a whole I didn't think anything on two legs could be that uncivilized."
"What about monkeys?" Crystal Ball asked.
"Monkeys are more civilized than Dreadnoks," Destro explained. "And don't smell as bad."
"I became a mercenary specializing in explosives," Monkeywrench went on. "Traveled the world blowing up bits of it before I heard of an amazing opportunity. The Dreadnoks were having open auditions. I passed with flying colors. And a few flying bodies."
"When Stupid Met Stupider," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"To be a Dreadnok you gotta be tough and fearless. There are only three things you should be afraid of," Monkeywrench explained. "Giant mutant dinosaurs, Cobra Commander with a hangover, and spiders."
"You're afraid of spiders?" Vapor asked. "Why?"
"Do you have any idea how many people die each year from spider bites?" Monkeywrench snapped. "It's a lot! In fact, a spider killed my Uncle Dave!"
"Did he die from a spider bite?" Zero asked.
"No, he burned to death!" Monkeywrench snapped.
"I'm sorry," Vapor blinked. "Are we talking about a fire breathing spider?"
"No," Monkeywrench explained. "We were having a family barbecue in the park and Uncle Dave was manning the grill. I was only a wee nipper at the time but I remember it like it was yesterday! A spider somehow got on Uncle Dave's shirt and he was flailing about to get rid of it…The next thing anyone knew he knocked over the grill and some of the embers caught onto his clothes and whoosh! He was flambee!"
"Seriously?" Zero asked.
"In hindsight he probably shouldn't have participated in that gas fight with my cousins," Monkeywrench admitted. "That's when you try to throw gas on everyone without getting doused. He was never very good at that game."
"Ah…" Zero nodded. "Now I get it."
"The scary part is somehow that spider survived!" Monkeywrench shuddered. "That's what they do! They lurk around on their creepy eight legs and try to kill people. Just like they did with my Aunt Mary!"
"How did she die?" Vapor asked. "Spider bite?"
"No," Monkeywrench shook his head. "She was taking a shower and saw a spider in the tub. She flipped out, fell backwards and hit her head. Boom! Dead as a doornail! Just like Uncle Bob."
"How did he die?" Zero asked.
"He actually died of a spider bite," Monkeywrench explained. "A couple hundred of them. He was trying to clean the woodpile and stumbled on a nest of Mediterranean black widows!"
"Anyone else feel their IQ dropping a few points listening to this?" Cobra Commander asked. "Anyone?"
"Is there anything else you would like to tell the audience?" Zero asked. "Something you would like the audience to know?"
"Please answer in the negative," Destro sighed.
"Oh yeah there's lots of things people don't know about me," Monkeywrench grinned.
"I'd rather they stay a secret," The Baroness quipped.
"For starters I only own three records," Monkeywrench explained. "Wipeout, The Anvil Chorus and a recording of the 1812 Overture!"
"No surprises there," Destro remarked.
"I once thought about joining the Skinheads in London and collecting welfare," Monkeywrench went on. "But they wanted me to shave me head and I'm like, No way man! My hair is part of who I am!"
"And all the lice that live within it would be out of a home," Crystal Ball quipped.
"There were some other reasons it didn't work out," Monkeywrench went on. "Apparently those blokes are really racist."
"And you're not?" Zero asked.
"I don't think so," Monkeywrench shrugged. "I like meeting people and blowing up people of all races, religions and creeds."
"That's actually a reasonable attitude," Cobra Commander admitted.
"Plus, I was dating this really hot black chick at the time," Monkeywrench admitted. "That did not go over well with the admittance committee."
"I would imagine it wouldn't," Zero said casually.
"So for our date night, me girl and I blew up their headquarters," Monkeywrench sighed. "It was so romantic. Too bad she got pinched while stabbing the leader of the Skinheads to death. I wonder if she's still in jail?"
"Interesting," Vapor said. "What else?"
"Just that I'm the roughest toughest Dreadnok there ever was!" Monkeywrench scoffed. "If anyone messes with me they are going to be in a world of…WHAT IS THAT OVER THERE?"
"Where?" Zero looked around.
"ON THE FLOOR! ON THE FLOOR!" Monkeywrench screamed. "IS THAT A SPIDER?"
"No, dude that's a jellybean," Vapor told him. "Oh, wait no that's a spider."
"SPIDER!" Monkeywrench screamed louder than a little girl. "KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!"
"It's just a little one," Zero said. "You can probably smash it with your boot."
"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" Monkeywrench jumped up and screamed. "THEN IT'S BLOOD AND GUTS WILL BE ON ME AND ALL THE OTHER SPIDERS WILL WANT THEIR REVENGE AND COME AT ME WHEN I'M ASLEEP AT NIGHT AND GET INTO MY MOUTH AND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Monkeywrench panicked and threw his chair at the spider. "IT'S STILL COMING! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!" He ran away in pure terror.
Vapor did a double take and went over to the spot. "Oh. I was wrong. It really was just a jellybean." He picked it up and with a shrug popped it into his mouth.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Monkeywrench screamed in the distance.
Crystal Ball looked at Cobra Commander. "You so need to hire new people."
"Yeah, I'll put an advertisement in the paper," Cobra Commander said sarcastically.
"I hope you all enjoyed these episodes of Cobra Persona," Vapor said cheerfully. "Including our new friends at AIM!"
"WHAT?" Cobra Commander screamed.
"They're sending this drivel to AIM?" Destro shouted. "This does not bode well…"
"We've even sent AIM all our old shows to show them what Cobra is all about," Zero added.
"I was right," Destro groaned.
"I'M GOING TO KILL THOSE TWO IDIOTS!" Cobra Commander stormed out of the room.
"Commander no!" Destro shouted as he followed Cobra Commander. "LET ME HELP YOU!"
"YES, I WOULD DEFINITELY LIKE TO BE IN ON THIS!" The Baroness followed.
Crystal Ball remained on the table. "Okay so…You want me to stay here then? Super."
Meanwhile back on AIM Island…
"These are our allies?" Dr. Monica was stunned as AIM watched the madness on their monitor. "This was more than I wanted to know."
"And knowing makes me feel much better about myself," Gary remarked.
"I'll say," Dr. Monica looked at him. "I thought you and the idiot squad were incompetent but after watching these videos…Well you're slightly less incompetent than I thought."
"Thank you," Gary said happily.
"Why does MODOK not have a show?" MODOK mused.
"THAT'S YOUR TAKEAWAY ON THIS?" Jodie shouted.
"Oh yes," Dr. Monica sighed. "This alliance will end well…"