The Art Of Villainy
"All right everyone be on your best behavior," Cobra Commander ordered as the large conference room was being set up. "MODOK and his team from AIM will be here any minute."
"Well yeah," Vapor remarked as he finished setting up a coffee and alcohol bar. "Their island is next door. They're only like twenty minutes away by helicopter."
Zero added as he finished setting up chairs. "You really do stress out over the smallest of things. Ow…" His face was bruised as well as Vapor's.
"You idiots are just lucky that Cobra is shorthanded right now!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And needs all the vital personnel we can get! That's the only reason you two are still alive after your stupid TV show stunt!"
"That and the fact that we now restock your bar," Zero added.
"And order your alcohol for you," Vapor added.
"What part of vital personnel is confusing to you?" Cobra Commander asked. "Core concept?"
"What plan do you have this time?" Destro decided to steer the conversation into something less inane.
"I don't really have a plan," Cobra Commander told him.
"Shocker," The Baroness quipped.
"Look I'm going to ask MODOK what he wants to do," Cobra Commander told them. "And build it from there. I'm going to wing it."
"Oh, that's worked so well so far," Crystal Ball remarked. He was on the table next to where Cobra Commander was going to sit.
"I will sell you on eBay again!" Cobra Commander pointed. "Don't think I won't!"
"He's already tried," Vapor told Crystal Ball. "No takers."
"Fine I'll dump you at the nearest flea market," Cobra Commander grumbled. "This is a very important meeting so I don't want any of you idiots to blow it!"
"Don't worry," Crystal Ball rolled his eyes. "We'll be on our best behavior for your new boyfriend!"
"Oooh!" Torch and the Dreadnoks twittered.
"SHUT UP!" Cobra Commander snapped. "He's just an ally for work and you know it! Nothing more!"
There was a mild alarm going off. "Oh good! He's here! He's here!" Cobra Commander hissed happily. "Do I have time to polish my mask? No, I'm fine! I'm fine! He's here!"
"He's finally cracked, hasn't he?" Zartan asked the others as Cobra Commander ran out.
"Well we all knew Humpty Dumpty was going to fall off the wall and completely disintegrate sooner or later…" The Baroness remarked. "I just thought it would be the booze that would set him off."
"Me too," Destro nodded.
It wasn't long before MODOK, Gary, Dr. Monica and a few other AIM scientists were in the conference room with the Cobras. "I must say Cobra Commander I really do appreciate this spread," MODOK sipped a cup of coffee.
"Well you know?" Cobra Commander remarked as he drank some scotch using the straw in his helmet. "We are partners. And it's the least I can do. It pays to practice hospitality and all that. Where's your lovely wife?"
"She's back at the base with the kids," MODOK told him. "Gary pass me some of those chocolate donuts."
"Okay," Gary grabbed the plate with one arm.
"But not…" MODOK realized his mistake.
ZOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
CRASH!
"Literally," MODOK sighed at the hole in the wall and the donuts on the floor.
"Oops," Gary remarked. "Sorry about that. Still working out the kinks in this thing."
"Aw man," Torch frowned. "What a waste of donuts."
"Nah they're still good!" Monkeywrench went over and picked them up. He started eating them. "What? Five second rule?"
"It's not like we haven't eaten on worse," Buzzer admitted as the rest of the Dreadnoks went to eat the donuts.
"Some days I really regret giving you that new arm," MODOK sighed at Gary.
"You have a new arm? Me too!" Vapor showed him his arm. "It's a mutant arm. Yours?"
"Robot arm," Gary said cheerfully.
"I gave him a robot arm because of our new company health policy," MODOK admitted. "Plus, it's easier for him to carry my stuff."
"And it was your fault that he lost his original arm in the first place," Dr. Monica added.
"Only technically!" MODOK snapped. "Can we get on with the meeting?"
"Of course," Cobra Commander nodded. "Ladies and gentlemen."
He looked over at the Dreadnoks eating the donuts. "And whatever the Dreadnoks are. Welcome to this meeting. Tonight, I propose we continue with our campaign of terror! This will force the world to give both our organizations the recognition we deserve!"
"Agreed," MODOK spoke up. "How do you propose we proceed?"
"Well let me put it to you this way," Cobra Commander paused. "MODOK what have you always wanted to do?"
"I want to take over the world," MODOK said.
"Besides that," Cobra Commander told him.
"I want riches, power beyond my wildest dreams and adoration from my inferiors," MODOK blinked.
"Besides that," Cobra Commander told him again.
"Uhhh…" MODOK blinked. "The deaths of all my enemies?"
"I'm going to stop you right there," Cobra Commander sighed. "I'm not talking long term goals. I'm talking instant gratification, crazy villainous scheme goals. Something you always wanted to do but never got around doing it for some reason."
"Besides being successful," Crystal Ball quipped.
Cobra Commander ignored Crystal Ball. "We're trying to build up to the whole world domination/murdering all our enemies/riches and power thing. We want people to fear us before we commence with our grand plan."
"Whatever that is," Crystal Ball added.
"Don't get me wrong," Cobra Commander pressed on. "I love the idea of murdering our enemies and getting rich and world domination…"
"But you want to build to that," MODOK finished.
"Even the Kardashians didn't take over social media overnight," Vapor added.
"Okay you want to create more buzz about our new evil partnership," Gary spoke up.
"Yes! Buzz!" MODOK added. "I can get into that. MODOK can buzz with the bees of destruction!"
"So, what's your pleasure?" Cobra Commander asked. "Kidnapping a world leader? Stealing a world monument? What's on your evil bucket list?"
"Hmm…" MODOK thought. "MODOK has always wanted to do an art heist of some sort. Maybe steal something from the New York Met?"
"Please," Cobra Commander waved. "Everybody and his brother has tried a heist at the Met. I think we stole something there once or twice."
"Yes, I believe we stole some DNA for Serpentor once," Mindbender realized.
"I once stole some paintings years ago for a client," Zartan spoke up. "Years before I joined COBRA."
"I had a cousin who drove a motorcycle into the modern art wing," Torch spoke up.
"See what I mean?" Cobra Commander pointed. "Okay how's this? We rob a few museums other than the Met. Or the Louvre. Or some of those other famous museums. Let's give some of those lesser known bastions of culture a chance to enrich us. Plus, they're less likely to have some superhero lurking around."
"There is some logic in what you say," MODOK frowned. "But don't you think hitting some smaller museums may well…Lessen our status?"
"It does kind of say 'Small Time'," Gary added.
"Not if we hit fifteen to twenty of them in one day!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Fifteen to twenty?" MODOK was stunned.
"In one day?" Gary gasped.
"Spaceship," Cobra Commander said.
"Oh right," MODOK realized.
"We zip around the world, stealing from multiple museums," Cobra Commander explained. "Confusing the hell out of the authorities. And boosting our street cred."
"As long as some of those are major museums," Destro added. "In particular the London Museum."
"Why?" Cobra Commander asked.
"There's something I want to get," Destro explained.
"If he picks a museum, I get to pick a museum!" Zartan spoke up.
"I want to pick a museum!" Torch called out.
"Me too!" Vapor added.
"What do you think this is?" Cobra Commander shouted. "A family road trip? Besides MODOK goes first then me!"
"I'm surprised you didn't want to go first," Destro remarked.
"Because I know MODOK will pick something good!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Where first MODOK?"
MODOK thought and replied. "The Magic Museum in Wala Walla, Washington State."
"Ooh," Cobra Commander rubbed his hands. "Is there a secret artifact with unlimited power in that place?"
"Not that I'm aware of," MODOK remarked.
"Is it a gateway to another dimension?" Cobra Commander asked.
"It's a restaurant that has a large collection of stage magic artifacts," Gary explained. "Apparently they have a fabulous grilled chicken there."
"You think you're setting the bar a little low here?" Zartan asked.
"My kid likes magic okay?" MODOK snapped. "I promised I'd get him something authentic for his birthday in a few days."
"Cut MODOK some slack Zartan," Cobra Commander told him. "Do you have any idea how expensive birthday parties are nowadays?"
"Yeah and he's the easy going one," MODOK nodded.
"As much as I'd love to go on a scavenger hunt," Dr. Monica spoke up. "I feel that my time would be better served working in a laboratory. Perhaps Dr. Mindbender we can collaborate on a project?"
"What would you have in mind?" Mindbender asked. "Mutants? Deadly viruses? Deadly viruses that turn people into mutants?"
"They all sound intriguing," Dr. Monica raised an eyebrow. "Perhaps we should compare notes on mutations?"
"I would find that most stimulating," Mindbender nodded. "I've recently acquired a mutated specimen from the island that I was planning on dissecting tonight."
"I love a good dissection," Dr. Monica purred. "Or a good vivisection."
"That can be arranged," Mindbender raised an eyebrow. "My lab is prepared for all sorts of…experimentation."
"Bow-chicka-wow-wow," Crystal Ball mocked. "Chicka-wow-wow…"
"Fine you two weirdoes work on something…" Cobra Commander waved. "The rest of us will pillage and plunder the art world! And the Magic Museum."
"Should I get my crayons?" Torch spoke up, his mouth full of donuts.
"Yeah why not?" Cobra Commander sighed.
The Magic Museum: Wala Walla, Washington.
Cobra Commander let out a bored sigh. "You see one box used to saw a woman in half you've pretty much seen them all. Let alone thirty of them! God I was bored of that trick when I was a child."
"They had magic tricks in Cobra La?" Destro asked as he and Cobra Commander looked at the artifacts. Crystal Ball was also there. Cobra Commander was holding him.
"Not exactly," Cobra Commander shrugged. "They actually sawed someone in half in a box. During some gladiator games. At halftime. Usually they were investment bankers who embezzled from their clients."
"I'd pay to see that," Destro admitted.
"Me too," Crystal Ball admitted.
"I really can't get into this," Destro sighed as he watched the AIM scientists collect various objects. "I know The Baroness is back at the ship with Vapor and Zero. And Blood Wing, Zandar and Zarana are back at the base. Where are the Dreadnoks?"
"Off terrorizing the guards, I guess," Cobra Commander shrugged.
Meanwhile…
"Got any threes?" Torch asked a guard.
"Go fish," The guard said. Some of the Dreadnoks were playing card games with two of the guards. The third was drinking sodas with Zartan and Buzzer.
"So, you really don't mind if we take some stuff?" Zartan asked.
"Honestly, you'd be doing me a favor," The guard said. "All this dust is killer for my allergies. Besides, we get paid no matter what happens. And after this we can claim hazard pay."
"Yeah, this stuff is so not worth getting shot at for," Another guard spoke up. "Anybody got any more grape soda and chocolate donuts?"
Torch smiled. "I knew there was something about you blokes I liked!"
Back to the magic heist…
"I don't suppose anything here is a real magical artifact?" Destro asked Crystal Ball.
"Please the only thing mystical here is the fact that people are willing to pay to look at this fake crap," Crystal Ball quipped. "And I mean fake. Half of the stuff they said was owned by Houdini or other famous magicians was actually taken from a yard sale in Seattle."
"I'm pretty sure those puzzle boxes didn't belong to Houdini," Destro admitted. "They have glitter stickers on them."
"Who'd be stupid enough to believe that?" Cobra Commander snorted.
"Look!" MODOK floated over to them holding something. "A real puzzle box owned by Houdini! And it's glittery!"
"Who indeed?" Crystal Ball quipped.
"This should make Lou really happy," MODOK smiled. "As well as some of the other objects I got for him. Anything you want Cobra Commander?"
"Unless this dump has a bar I don't think so," Crystal Ball quipped.
"Hey MODOK," Cobra Commander asked. "How would your son like a real crystal ball with a ghost in it?"
"I'm not bringing him in my house," MODOK told him. "No way."
"Worth a shot," Cobra Commander sighed.
"I feel the love," Crystal Ball said sarcastically.
"Let's go to the next museum," Destro sighed. "Where to?"
"I'll pick the next one," Cobra Commander spoke up. "There's one museum I've always wanted to steal from."
"Where?" Destro asked.
The Irish Whiskey Museum: Dublin, Ireland…
"Of course," Destro sighed. "Stupid question…"
"Roll 'em out boys!" Cobra Commander whooped as the Dreadnoks rolled out several barrels into the spaceship. As well as carrying several crates. He was holding a bottle of whisky. "Hey MODOK you want any of this?"
"I'm good," MODOK blinked. "Gary?"
"Uh I'm kind of on a health kick," Gary admitted.
"Us too," Another AIM scientist admitted.
"I'm trying to stay sober man," A third AIM scientist added.
"More for me!" Cobra Commander opened up the hole in his helmet and skillfully poured the whisky through it without spilling over.
"Is he drinking during a heist?" MODOK asked.
"I think he's just making sure we're taking the good stuff," Gary said.
"Right. Let's go with that," Destro sighed. "Commander while we're in the general vicinity, I'd like to go to the London Museum."
Cobra Commander agreed. "Sure. Why not? You can pick up what you want and we can get something good there."
"What are you looking for?" The Baroness asked.
"A family heirloom long stolen by the British!" Destro growled.
"Ooh family honor theft," MODOK remarked. "Cool."
"I've always wanted to do that!" Gary added. "We can sneak in and be sneaky. Like Thomas Crown!"
"Or…" Cobra Commander paused. "We could just…"
London Museum: England.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Cause nothing but chaos and blow everything up," Destro sighed as he walked through the halls with the Baroness, MODOK and Gary.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" A guard was being chased by Buzzer while riding a motorcycle.
"It's effective you have to admit," MODOK shrugged. "What are we looking for?"
"That," Destro pointed to a metal mask on the wall encased in security glass.
"It's a mask," MODOK remarked.
"Do you need it for a costume party or…?" Gary asked.
"It belonged to my ancestor Lord Darken McCullen," Destro explained. "He tried to blow up the English parliament."
"I thought that was Guy Fawkes?" Gary asked.
"Who do you think supplied him with all the dynamite?" Destro asked. "He escaped to France with one of his five sons but lost his favorite mask in the escape. It's kind of a sore point for our family that the mask of Lord Darken has been held by the English all this time."
"Interesting," MODOK remarked as Destro used a laser cutter on his wrist to cut through the glass. "How much is it worth?"
"Well to our clan it's priceless," Destro admitted. "But it's value in antiquity is subjective."
"How subjective?" MODOK asked.
"It's worth about 2.63 pounds," Destro admitted. "Which is 3 dollars and 73 cents in American dollars."
"Three dollars and 73 cents?" MODOK yelled.
"Dude I can buy you a better mask for more than that," Gary said.
"My son can make a better mask out of paper Mache that would be worth more than that!" MODOK gasped.
"It's not about money!" Destro snapped. "It's about family honor."
"Uh huh," The Baroness folded her arms. "And what exactly happened to Lord Darken in the end?"
"Well…" Destro coughed. "He died of course."
"Where?" The Baroness coaxed.
"In France," Destro added.
"Where in France?" The Baroness taunted.
"A French brothel," Destro admitted. "He was killed by his courtesan mistress."
"While wearing a red dress," The Baroness counted off. "Women's underwear, high heels and in debt up to his fake red wing. On the toilet!"
"Yeah that's a guy worth honoring," MODOK rolled his eyes.
"You promised to never repeat that story!" Destro glared at the Baroness.
"And you promised a lot of things," The Baroness challenged back. "Like a ring and marriage."
"Are you seriously bringing that up now?" Destro shouted. "This is not the time to talk about this!"
"Well you won't talk about it at any other time!" The Baroness snapped. "When is the right time Destro?"
"Why are you asking this?" Destro shouted. "Are we even back together? I'm seriously asking."
"I don't know!" The Baroness admitted. "But if we're not together this is why! And if we are back together this is a conversation we need to have!"
"How can we have this conversation if we don't even know that we're together or not?" Destro shouted back.
"Obviously our lack of understanding about our relationship stems with your fear of commitment!" The Baroness shouted.
"Uhh…" MODOK looked back and forth at the two.
"Oh, it's all my fault is it?" Destro shouted back. "You had nothing to do with this? The blame is all on me?"
"Exactly!" The Baroness shouted.
"Wrong!" Destro shouted. "I think your pettiness, vanity and immaturity had a lot to do with…"
"Immature? IMMATURE?" The Baroness screeched in a tone so loud it made MODOK and Gary wince. "How dare you call me immature you…you…JERK!"
"Here we go!" Destro shouted as he put the mask in a bag and tied the bag around his belt. "The latest hissy fit is right on schedule!"
"I'M NOT HAVING A HISSY FIT!" The Baroness screamed in a higher tone.
"Oww!" MODOK winced. "My auditory processors are hurting!"
"Face it Baroness," Destro snarled. "Our relationship failed because you are a spoiled, immature brat!"
"OH REALLY?" The Baroness grabbed the nearest antique vase and threw it at Destro. "TAKE THAT!"
SMASH!
"OH, IS THAT HOW YOU WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS?" Destro roared. "FINE! IF THAT'S HOW YOU WANT IT…" He grabbed a nearby antique plate and threw it at her.
SMASH!
Before MODOK and Gary knew it, The Baroness and Destro were throwing antiquities at each other, smashing them in the room. "Should we do something?" Gary asked.
SMASH!
"Yeah stay out of the line of fire," MODOK told him.
"INSUFFERABLE PIG!" The Baroness screamed as she threw some antique plates.
"SCHEMING WENCH!" Destro threw an urn at her.
SMASH! CRASH! SMASH!
"Well this is fun," Zartan remarked as he carried a painting. Cobra Commander was with him.
"We really should do more art heists in the future," Cobra Commander remarked.
"Hey Commander," MODOK remarked. "I see you got something…"
"It's a Monet," Cobra Commander said. "I think it will look very nice in my office."
"The colors do go," Zartan agreed.
"BRAT!"
"BOZO!"
SMASH!
SMASH!
"Uh…" Gary pointed to Destro and the Baroness.
Cobra Commander sighed. "Yeah that happens a lot…"
"Uh we need to go," Vapor came up to them. "Torch got a little carried away in the Egyptian wing."
"I thought I smelled smoke," Cobra Commander remarked as the smoke alarms went off. "Okay time to boogie! DESTRO! BARONESS! KNOCK IT OFF! TIME TO GO!"
"What?" The Baroness looked at Cobra Commander. "Do I smell smoke?"
"Just shut up and get out of here!" Cobra Commander snapped.
Soon the entire raiding party was back inside the spaceship. "Well did we get anything else valuable from the London Museum?" MODOK asked. "Wait, I'm missing a guy. Where is Frank?"
An AIM scientist spoke up. "Frank's dead."
"Yeah, I lent him my flamethrower and he didn't know how to handle it," Torch spoke up. "Good news, no damage was done to the flamethrower."
"All that for a dumb mask?" MODOK grumbled.
"Look we also stole a Monet painting!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And wrecked a lot of old stuff! That has to be worth something!"
"Let's just go to a different museum," The Baroness suggested.
"Ooh! I know!" Torch called out. "Why don't we go to a candle museum in Whippoorwill Falls Pennsylvania! I've always wanted to go there!"
"Candle museum?" MODOK asked. "Why do you want to go to a candle museum?"
Whippoorwill Falls Candle Museum: Pennsylvania.
"Ohhh…" MODOK remarked as they stood in front of the burning building. "That's why."
"Isn't it funny?" Torch snickered. "A candle museum burning down because somebody lit all the candles in it!"
"And disassembled all the smoke alarms and fire extinguishers," Zartan sighed.
"And set a fire in the basement," Gary added. "A beautiful, gorgeous sexy fire."
Torch looked at Gary. "I knew there was a reason I liked you!"
"My Head of Fire Safety ladies and gentleman," MODOK sighed. "Look I appreciate arson as much as the next guy but isn't this a little…gratuitous?"
"Oh, is it ever," Gary purred.
"That's not a good thing Gary!" Destro snapped.
"Look if anybody asks," Cobra Commander told them. "We were just being ironic. Which honestly might get us some points."
"Already took the pictures," Vapor told them. "And I took some candles!" He held one up.
MODOK smelled one. "Oooh, cinnamon. I like it."
"I took a few too," Zartan admitted. "It might eliminate the Dreadnok smell. Probably not but worth a shot."
"At least this wasn't a total waste of time," Destro sighed. "Where to next?"
"We should probably get some serious artwork," MODOK suggested.
"Agreed," Cobra Commander nodded. "I mean we already took a Monet. Let's find some other serious artwork we can steal."
"Oh!" Gary spoke up. "I have a suggestion!"
The Museum of Modern Art: Los Angeles, California
"This was a good suggestion," MODOK remarked as the raiding party went through the museum.
"Yes!" Cobra Commander cackled with glee. "We can steal these priceless works of art! Like that gray painting over there."
"Eh I don't know," MODOK frowned. "It's kind of depressing. It's just gray with darker gray dots on it."
"Fine how about that painting over there?" Cobra Commander pointed.
"That one?" MODOK asked.
"What's wrong with it?" Cobra Commander asked.
"No, I guess it's okay," MODOK remarked. "It's just not my thing. I don't get it."
"Me either," Torch added. "I like pictures of chicks riding motorcycles."
"Fine, how about that one?" Cobra Commander pointed. Then did a double take. "No wait, I don't like that one. How about that one?" He pointed to another picture.
"I don't know," MODOK said. "I want to like it but…"
"Since when are you an art critic?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Okay Bob Ross you pick what we steal!" MODOK snapped.
"Fine we'll take…" Cobra Commander looked around. "You know maybe there's something better in the next room?"
"Yeah, they probably have the good stuff in the back," Buzzer suggested.
"Let's look there," Cobra Commander agreed as they did so. "Okay how about that modern art sculpture?"
"Definitely not!" Destro snapped.
"Why?" Ripper asked.
"It's a large yellow toilet," Destro glared at him. "Do I really have to explain?"
"Right we already did that bit," Ripper realized. "What about that painting that just has colorful splashes of paint on it? That's cheerful."
"I think I already have something like that," MODOK remarked. "From when my daughter was two."
"I'm guessing hers is better," Cobra Commander remarked.
"You are correct, sir!" MODOK told him. "What about that sculpture? It kind of looks like a woman."
"It kind of looks like my ex-wife," Cobra Commander winced. "Ugh!"
"Maybe there's something in another room?" Zero suggested.
"Let's try Door Number Three," MODOK pointed to another room. They went in and looked around.
"This art is…" Gary paused. "Interesting."
"It's something all right but I don't know what," Buzzer remarked.
"Is there anything here anybody wants?" Cobra Commander asked. "Or thinks is worth anything?"
"Honestly…" MODOK sighed. "No."
"Me either," Zartan admitted.
"I've seen dumps that have less garbage in them," Torch remarked. "Seriously that wall over there is covered in tin cans, banana peels, broken cardboard boxes and a lot of metal. What is the point of that?"
"Well," The Baroness thought. "It's either one of two things. Either it's a statement on materialism. Or the artist forgot to take his trash out on garbage day."
"My money is on the latter," Destro said dryly.
"I wondered why security is so light here," Monkeywrench admitted.
"Great going Gary," An AIM scientist mocked.
"How was I supposed to know?" Gary protested. "I thought there would at least be a Warhol or a Pollock or something."
"Apparently all the good stuff has been loaned out to several celebrity homes and movie studios," Destro looked at a sign on the wall. "These are all local artists."
"Seriously?" Vapor asked. "Aw man."
"Now what?" Monkeywrench asked.
"Well," Torch spoke up. "We already set fire to two museums…"
Cobra Commander and MODOK looked at each other. "Eh…."
A few minutes later…
"Well that was a bust," Cobra Commander grumbled as the spaceship flew away from the burning museum.
"Man, what a great fire," Gary sighed wistfully.
"I know," Torch grinned. "One of my prouder moments in my career."
"You really do good work," Gary told Torch.
"Thank you," Torch grinned. "It's nice being appreciated for once!"
"Okay we really need to focus on something better now," MODOK spoke up. "Arson and destruction are all well and good…"
"No, I get it," Cobra Commander admitted. "We need to focus. We need to be relentless!"
"We need ice cream!" Ripper pointed. "Look! Ice cream museum in LA! Right there!"
"What?" Cobra Commander did a double take.
"Oh, I've heard of this!" Vapor spoke up. "It's a museum dedicated to ice cream and the making of ice cream! And they have a very large selection of ice cream for free samples! And a sundae bar!"
"I could steal some ice cream for my kid's party," MODOK admitted. "This spaceship has a freezer, right?"
"There's one in the back," Crystal Ball told him.
"Ooh! Let's go there next!" Monkeywrench squealed.
"Yeah let's do it!" Tiffany agreed.
"I could go for ice cream," Gary said.
"We are not invading an ice cream museum!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I admit Cobra has done some juvenile things over the years. But this is where I draw the line!"
"They have alcoholic ice cream too," Crystal Ball told him.
"Then again," Cobra Commander quickly spoke. "Some people can say that ice cream is an art among itself. Yeah it counts. Why not?"
The Ice Cream Museum: Los Angeles California
"SPRINKLE FIGHT!" Torch whooped as he threw sprinkles at the other Dreadnoks.
The Dreadnoks laughed with delight as they threw and ate ice cream and all the condiments they could get their hands on. Hot fudge, caramel and other toppings were splattered all over the floors and walls. Meanwhile Gary and the AIM scientists were taking tubes of ice cream and boxes of waffle bowls in and out of the building to be put in the ship.
Sitting at separate tables were MODOK, Destro and the Baroness, Vapor and Zero, and finally Cobra Commander eating ice cream. Well Cobra Commander was having a milkshake. "This coffee kalua is delicious!" Cobra Commander purred.
"Why did you bring me here?" Crystal Ball grumbled as he sat on a table next to Cobra Commander. "I used to love ice cream and I can't eat it now. Why?"
"Honestly," Cobra Commander shrugged. "It was a whim." He sipped his milkshake. "Besides I needed someone halfway intelligent to have a conversation with."
"What about your new best friend?" Crystal Ball asked.
"He's too busy either stealing ice cream or talking to his wife," Cobra Commander pointed.
MODOK was on his phone. "Jodie? Honey good news! I not only got Lou's gifts but I took care of the ice cream for the party. Yes, Fudge Ripple, Strawberry, French Vanilla, Double Chocolate as well as a few others. Uh I think there's one with some bubble gum in it. Oh good."
"Are you ever going to get over me breaking up with you?" Destro shouted at the Baroness.
"Excuse me?" The Baroness shouted back. "I'm the one who broke up with you!"
"All aboard the Delusion Express," Destro grumbled.
"Look who's talking!" The Baroness shouted. "The Grand Conductor of Delusion!"
"THAT'S NOT EVEN A THING!" Destro shouted back.
MODOK blinked and spoke into the phone. "Jodie, you know I love you right? Well I do. I love you. And I thought it would be a good time to tell you that."
"You constantly correcting every little thing I say or do…" The Baroness went on.
"I don't constantly do that!" Destro interrupted.
"You're doing it right now!" The Baroness shouted.
"Why am I saying it?" MODOK gulped into the phone. "No reason…"
"I am so glad we are not dating anymore!" The Baroness snapped.
"So, you're sure we're not dating anymore?" Destro asked.
"I'm pretty sure!" The Baroness snapped.
"That's not the same thing!" Destro yelled.
"ICE CREAM FIGHT! WHOO!" Ripper cheered. Some ice cream splattered on MODOK's head. "Sorry mate!"
"I have to go," MODOK sighed. He hung up the phone. "I can't kill someone else's henchman. Again. COBRA COMMANDER!"
"What?" Cobra Commander sighed as he walked over to him. There was ice cream on his helmet and uniform.
"Oh…" MODOK looked at him. "Can't you control your people?"
"I don't consider Dreadnoks people," Cobra Commander told him. "I consider them strategically shaved apes that barely know how to do simple commands."
"Well what about those two?" MODOK pointed to Destro and The Baroness who were still arguing. "They are so annoying!"
"I know," Cobra Commander sighed. "I've been listening to the terrorist version of Ross and Rachel for years."
"I think we should move on," MODOK told Cobra Commander.
"Why?" Cobra Commander asked as he took a sip from his milkshake. "These milkshakes are good. Do I hear sirens?"
"That's why!" MODOK sighed as the sirens got louder. "The police are coming!"
"Oh right, them," Cobra Commander sighed. "I guess we should go before they get here."
"They're already here," Gary told them as he walked up with Zartan. "They've surrounded the building."
"We're going to have to shoot our way out," Zartan told him.
"This is LA," Cobra Commander took out his laser blaster. "Who's going to notice the difference?"
Next stop after a rather violent escape…
Napa Valley Museum: Napa Valley California.
"Okay who told Cobra Commander about this one?" Destro sighed. He was sitting in the spaceship with Vapor, Zero and Crystal Ball.
"Don't look at me," Crystal Ball told him from his usual table. "Like I'd give that idiot more reasons to get drunk."
"Success!" Cobra Commander strode in carrying a bottle in one hand and drinking from a straw in a glass in another. The others were all carrying crates and bottles. "Another triumph for our alliance."
Except for MODOK. "Triumph? This is more like a beer run. Without the beer!"
"Good point," Cobra Commander took a sip. "We should find a beer museum in Germany or something later."
"You realize you just had some alcoholic milkshakes, right?" MODOK asked. "Does that and wine even mix?"
"Eh I'm good," Cobra Commander waved. "Can't be any worse than charred seagull."
"Charred seagull?" MODOK asked.
"Don't ask," Cobra Commander waved. "This is a fun trip."
"Do I smell smoke?" Destro realized something. He looked out the window. "Oh God did the Dreadnoks set this one on fire too?"
"Actually, this one is my bad," Cobra Commander told him. "Really snotty waiter or museum attendant or whatever he was. I shot my laser at him. I missed…I hit several bottles of alcohol instead…"
"Commander…" Destro sighed. "This mission…for lack of a better word. Was supposed to be an organized raid of the world's museums."
"You bought that line?" Crystal Ball asked.
"Look we need to steal some real art!" Destro protested. "Somewhere! Anywhere!"
"I have a suggestion," MODOK spoke up.
"If it's that we go home I'm all for it," Zartan began.
"I know a place where we can steal some real art and not be bothered by likes of the Avengers," MODOK went on.
"So, we can be bothered by someone else?" Crystal Ball asked.
"You would be the most perfect exhibit in the Museum of Annoying Objects!" Cobra Commander snapped as he grabbed another bottle. "Tell us where to go MODOK!"
"I'd love to tell you where to go," Crystal Ball grumbled. "Better yet I wish I could send you there!"
"Should you be drinking even more?" MODOK asked as Cobra Commander managed to take a sip from the bottle. "You've already downed a lot of alcohol?"
"Maybe some coffee instead?" Gary suggested.
"Hey!" Cobra Commander told him. "I steal better when I'm drunk! Full speed ahead to wherever we're going!" He wandered away.
"I'm starting to think Cobra Commander has a drinking problem," MODOK blinked.
"Nooooo," Zartan said sarcastically. "Really?"
"What was your first clue Sherlock?" Crystal Ball asked sarcastically.
Destro sighed. "With all that I've been through with that lunatic and these idiots it's a wonder I've stayed sober all these years. Well. Mostly."