More Museum Madness
The Detroit Institute of Art: Detroit Michigan.
"Now this is a museum," Destro looked around at all the exhibits. "I'm pleasantly surprised."
"Yeah who thought all this great art would be in Detroit?" Buzzer whistled. With the exceptions of Vapor and Crystal Ball, the entire team was in the museum ready to pick things off.
"Just goes to show," Cobra Commander remarked. "You can't judge a museum by its location. Let's start taking everything we can!"
"The only thing you people will be taking is a trip to the local penitentiary!"
"Who the…?" Cobra Commander did a double take to see several strangely dressed people standing behind them.
"Oh, for crying out…" MODOK groaned. "What are you morons doing here?"
"Preserving justice!" A man with blond hair wearing a red and blue costume told him. "See guys! I told you if we staked out the museum sooner or later some criminal would show up!"
"Yeah and it only took fifty-three nights," A man in a black and white costume that covered his face and body groaned.
"We caught them, didn't we?" The man in the red and blue costume snapped.
"You people can't even catch a break much less us!" MODOK snapped.
"You know these people?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Yes," MODOK sighed. "I forgot about these losers."
"We're not losers! We are the Great Lake's Avengers! I'm Mr. Immortal!" The man in a red and blue costume proudly posed. "Leader of the Great Lakes Avengers!"
"The what now?" Destro asked.
MODOK explained. "A few years ago, some Midwest Morons complained about not having enough super hero representation. Somehow, they convinced a judge they had the right to set up their own branch of fake Avengers."
"We are Avengers!" Mr. Immortal snapped. "Legally!"
"Really?" MODOK asked. "I don't exactly see too many action figures of you guys flying around."
"Yeah even MODOK has more than you!" One of the AIM scientists spoke up.
"I'm a collector's item," MODOK said proudly.
"Well whoopdie-do for you," The Baroness rolled her eyes.
"So, you guys are super heroes?" Torch asked.
"Yes," Mr. Immortal said. "And I am the leader. Mr. Immortal!"
"As if he ever lets us forget it," The man in the black and white costume groaned.
"What's your schtick?" Buzzer asked.
Mr. Immortal blinked. "I'm immortal. Meaning I can't die."
"And?" Buzzer asked.
"That's pretty much it," Mr. Immortal shrugged. "I think."
"I'm Glassman!" A man who looked like he was made of glass struck a dramatic pose. "Due to a freak accident my body is made up of tempered glass! Almost unbreakable glass!"
"So basically, you're a living window," Cobra Commander said in a deadpan tone. "That must be useful when you're trying to kill birds."
"Oh, I get it," Gary said. "Because birds are known to fly into windows sometimes. I get it."
"Who or what the hell is that?" The Baroness pointed to a man dressed in a green metal grasshopper suit.
"I'm Grasshopper!" The man posed proudly.
"He's like Iron Man," MODOK explained. "Only he has a grasshopper suit. Wait aren't you dead?"
"That was the last three or four Grasshoppers," Grasshopper said. "I'm going to be around a long time!"
"Don't hold your breath," A man in a blue and white costume that covered his head spoke up. "I'm One Shot! The new guy! This is my first mission!"
"Good for you," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "And what is that?"
"Rarrr!" The pink and white female who resembled a human pterodactyl spoke up.
"That's Dinah Soar," The two-dimensional man spoke up. "I'm Flatman."
"I'm guessing you're a cross between Mr. Fantastic and Flat Stanley," Cobra Commander quipped.
"Pretty much yeah," MODOK nodded.
"I'm Doorman," The superhero in the black and white costume spoke up. "My power is teleportation. But I can't get out of this Mickey Mouse outfit!"
"Doorman!" Mr. Immortal snapped. "We talked about this!"
"Well it's true!" Doorman snapped. "You think I don't know what all the other superhero teams say behind our backs? How they treat us?"
"We are a valued superhero team!" Mr. Immortal shouted. "The court order says so!"
"Then how come we never get invited to the Avenger's Mansion?" Flatman asked.
"Not even for a freaking cookout," Doorman groaned.
"Rarr," Dinah Soar agreed.
"Hey! We have our own headquarters!" Mr. Immortal told him.
"Since when?" Glassman asked.
"What we have is the second floor of a run-down apartment on Fifth Street," Doorman told him. "Where you, Dinah and Flatman live. The rest of us don't live there. We have to commute."
"What are you complaining about?" Glassman asked. "Your power is teleportation! You can get over there in seconds!"
"The rest of us have to carpool," Grasshopper grumbled. "In my car!"
"I took the bus," One Shot told him.
"Well you live all the way across town!" Grasshopper snapped. "I'm not going thirty miles out of my way for one guy!"
"Have you tried renting out some space in a mall?" Gary suggested. "For your headquarters?"
"We did," Flatman sighed. "They turned us down because of insurance reasons."
"We don't have any," Doorman added.
"All right we have been over this!" Mr. Immortal snapped.
"And we're going to keep going over this until we get some decent health insurance!" Doorman snapped.
"Do we have health insurance?" Torch asked Zartan.
"We have a mad scientist that will either fix you up or experiment on you for free," Zartan said sarcastically. "Or just give you drugs."
"Oh well that's good then," Torch said relieved.
"Look can we put this on the table and bring this up at the next meeting?" Mr. Immortal asked. "Can we just deal with MODOK and his latest henchmen…?"
"Who the hell are you calling henchmen?" Cobra Commander hissed.
"Wait, you're not with him?" Grasshopper asked.
"Yes," Cobra Commander snapped. "But this is an alliance! MODOK and I are equals!"
"Well technically I am a genius of unparalleled…" MODOK began. "Never mind. We're working together. Two teams of complete equality. This is a team up."
"We are Cobra you misfit menagerie of miscreants!" Destro snapped. "One of the greatest terrorist organizations to terrorize the world!"
"Wait weren't you guys disbanded in the 80's or something?" Glassman asked.
"NO!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We've been on the news for months! Doesn't anybody watch the news anymore?"
"I don't," One Shot admitted. "It's too depressing."
"Oh, wait a minute," Mr. Immortal realized. "You guys did that giant goat thing in Europe."
"Among other things yes!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Don't you usually fight some soldier dudes?" Grasshopper asked. "What are they called? I know it starts with a J."
"Jeff's…No that's not right," Mr. Immortal frowned. "Jimmy John's?"
"That's a sandwich shop," Glassman told him.
"Oh right," Mr. Immortal frowned.
"SERIOUSLY?" Cobra Commander snapped. "You don't know of the epic struggle between Cobra and GI Joe?"
"GI Joe! That's it!" Mr. Immortal realized. "Wait they're still around too?"
"Unfortunately," The Baroness sighed.
"Look. I'm Cobra Commander that's Destro…" Cobra Commander stopped. "That's the Baroness…You know what? Screw this. Cobra's been around over thirty years. If you don't know who we are by now, that's your own fault! GET THEM!"
"GREAT LAKES AVENGERS! ASSEMBLE!" Mr. Immortal cried out.
"We can't say that anymore!" Doorman snapped.
"Oh right," Mr. Immortal realized. "GREAT LAKES AVENGERS…GET THE BAD GUYS!"
"I hop for justice!" Grasshopper whooped as he hopped around the room, damaging several works of art in the process.
Soon it was a melee of gunfire and superhero powers. Grasshopper hopped among the Dreadnoks. They tried to shoot him but their gunfire bounced off of his armor.
"HA!" Grasshopper opened his helmet to reveal a handsome man's face. "You fools! Nothing can penetrate this mighty armor!" He struck a heroic pose.
ZAP!
Grasshopper's eyes crossed just as The Baroness shot her blaster. A hole was through his head and he fell to the ground. "Here's a tip," The Baroness scoffed. "Armor only works if you don't have any exposed spots!"
"I could have told him that," Destro remarked.
"Idiot," Doorman groaned right before he teleported away from an AIM soldier's laser blast. He teleported behind the soldier and knocked him down.
"You killed Grasshopper!" Flatman gasped. "What was he? The fourth or fifth one?"
"I think he was Number Five," Mr. Immortal remarked. "I warned him about heroic posing too soon."
"You bad people will pay!" Flatman shouted. "Dinah! Get them!"
"RARRRRAAAHHH!" Dinah Soar flew into the air straight at the Cobras.
ZZAAAAPPP!
"DINAH!" Mr. Immortal screamed as a laser beam from MODOK's headband killed her instantly. "NOO!"
"Ugh," MODOK wiped the blood off of his face. "Seriously, I've fought SHEILD agents that were more of a challenge."
"You fiend!" Mr. Immortal screamed.
"You monster!" Flatman shouted.
"YOU KILLED MY GIRLFRIEND!" Both Mr. Immortal and Flatman shouted.
"Hang on…?" Flatman blinked.
"Your girlfriend?" Mr. Immortal shouted. "She was mine!"
"No, you were on a break!" Flatman snapped.
"A break implies we were going to get back together!" Mr. Immortal snapped.
"No, it doesn't!" Flatman shouted.
"Yes, it does!" Mr. Immortal shouted.
"No, it doesn't!"
"Yes, it does!"
"No, it doesn't!"
"Yes, it does!"
"Well she was very clearly more into me than you!" Flatman snapped.
"How would you know?" Mr. Immortal snapped. "She didn't even talk!"
"I wish you couldn't talk," Flatman grumbled.
"Oh, that is it!" Mr. Immortal snapped. He tackled Flatman.
"That's how you want to play?" Flatman shouted as he wrapped his body around Mr. Immortal. "Come at me bro! OWWWW! STOP PINCHING ME!"
"YOU STOP SQUEEZING ME!" Mr. Immortal screamed as the two heroes fought each other.
"I'm surrounded by idiots," Doorman sighed. Right before he teleported, leaving Ripper and Monkeywrench to run into each other.
"OW! Me head!" Ripper groaned.
"Good thing you didn't hit anything you use," The Baroness quipped.
"She's mine! No, mine!" The two heroes were still fighting. "She was my girl! No, she wasn't! We were going to get married! Eventually! Oh, dream on!"
"Uh…." Zartan blinked as he walked up to Cobra Commander and MODOK. "Aren't they supposed to be on the same side?"
"This happens a lot among heroes," MODOK shrugged.
"Really?" Zartan asked.
"I've almost never seen that among the Joes," Cobra Commander remarked as the two heroes fought each other. "Well not without mind control."
"I mean I can see us doing that yeah," Zartan pointed out. "But professional superheroes…?"
"I don't think there's anything professional about these guys," MODOK sighed.
"OWW! OWWW! STOP IT! YOU STOP IT! SHE WAS MY GIRL! NO, SHE WASN'T! YES, SHE WAS! WELL IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU HAVE COMMITMENT ISSUES!"
"Point taken," Zartan nodded.
"Should we uh…?" MODOK asked.
"Second rule of warfare," Cobra Commander instructed. "Never stop the enemy from fighting among themselves!"
"Good point," MODOK remarked. "There's plenty of other idiots to deal with." He zoomed off.
"AH HA!" One Shot cornered Zartan and Cobra Commander. "Now I'll finish you!" He shot a bullet from his gun.
Quickly, Zartan and Cobra Commander dodged it. "Wait…What the…?" One Shot shouted. "You're not supposed to move!"
"Well we clearly did!" Cobra Commander snapped as he readied his blaster. "Hang on. Shouldn't you be trying to shoot us?"
"I just did!" One Shot protested. "Using my only bullet!"
"Wait you only have one bullet?" Zartan asked.
"Well yeah," One Shot said. "That's my gimmick. One Shot. Because you know? Only one-shot matters. I only need one bullet."
"You mean like Barney Fife?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Who?" One Shot asked.
"Kids today," Cobra Commander sighed as he shot him with his blaster. Repeatedly.
"Huh," Zartan remarked. "It took seven shots to get rid of One Shot."
"Well technically the second shot did it," Cobra Commander remarked. "I did the rest because he just annoyed me."
"Why the second and not the first?" Zartan asked.
"I just winged him," Cobra Commander pointed. "See?"
"Oh right," Zartan nodded. "I see it now."
"Crap," Doorman saw the whole thing. "I told Immortal not to hire that guy. Uh oh!" He teleported away right before the Dreadnoks shot at him.
"I'll handle you freaks!" Glassman charged at the Dreadnoks.
"Who are you calling freaks?" Monkeywrench shouted.
"Well he's not wrong," Zartan rolled his eyes.
"GET HIM!" Buzzer shouted as the Dreadnoks shot their lasers at him.
Glassman was laughing as laser blasts bounced harmlessly off him. "Ha! Your laser blasts are useless against my tempered glass body! HA HA! Don't you know that light is useless against glass?"
"I know glass melts when exposed to a hot enough fire!" Torch whooped as he hit Glassman with his flame thrower.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Glassman screamed in agony. "Hot! HOT! HOT!"
"Wait," Zartan asked. "Shouldn't have the lasers broken the glass or…?"
"Honestly, I don't care about the details," Cobra Commander waved. "As long as he's dead."
"Well he soon will be," Zartan remarked.
"I'M MELTING!" Glassman screamed as he started to melt. "AAAAAAHHHH!"
"Ooh that looks painful," Doorman gulped as he had teleported onto the other side of the room. "Maybe I'll stay on this side of the room for a few minutes?"
Some AIM scientists had him in their sights. "Oh, come on!" Doorman shouted as he teleported away.
"He's dead now!" Torch whooped as Glassman was now a puddle on the floor.
"Why can't the Joes be that easy to kill?" Cobra Commander grumbled.
"Because the Joes don't have superpowers to rely on as a crutch," Destro explained.
"That's true," Zartan nodded. "So uh…? Do we…?"
"Steal everything we can before the cops arrive?" Cobra Commander asked. "Yes!"
"Way ahead of you," MODOK and his men were already taking paintings.
Doorman teleported next to Flatman and Mr. Immortal who were still fighting each other. "Guys!"
"OW! OW! OW!" The two heroes kept fighting each other. "STOP BITING ME! YOU BIT ME FIRST! DID NOT! DID TOO! DID NOT! DID TOO!"
"HEY MORONS!" Doorman shouted.
"What?" Torch shouted.
"Not you," Doorman told him. "These morons!"
"Huh?" Flatman disentangled himself from Mr. Immortal.
"In case you haven't noticed," Doorman snapped. "We're in the middle of a fight here. And it's not going well."
"Great Lakes Avengers Assem…" Mr. Immortal looked around. "Aw man…"
"This isn't good," Flatman winced.
"Not for you," Zartan smirked.
"I told you we should have recruited that girl with the tail and squirrels!" Doorman shouted.
"Oh, that's a lot of blood on that painting over there," Flatman winced. "Excuse me…" He threw up in the corner. Onto another painting.
"Oh great," MODOK grumbled. "I was planning on stealing that Rembrandt! Some people are just so inconsiderate!"
"I know, right?" Cobra Commander remarked.
"Flatman will you get your head in the game here?" Mr. Immortal shouted.
"SHOOT THEM!" Cobra Commander hissed.
"AAAHH!" Doorman teleported away.
"You can't kill me!" Mr. Immortal snapped as he was shot several times. "I'm immortal!"
"Perhaps not," Destro remarked. "But we can knock you out and shut you up!"
"Huh?" Mr. Immortal blinked. Destro had made his way over to Mr. Immortal and knocked him out with a punch to the jaw.
"So much for our fearless leader," Doorman groaned.
"I've got this!" Flatman expanded his skin to enlarge it. "Your lasers just tickle my elastic skin!"
He enlarged his hand to shove away several Dreadnoks and AIM soldiers. "You can't beat me with the power of flatness!" Flatman grinned.
MODOK sighed. "I've got this." Then he shot out one of his lasers from his headband.
"HA!" Flatman laughed as the shot went wildly over his head. "You missed!"
"No, I didn't," MODOK remarked.
That was when Flatman noticed a large shadow over him. But too late. A giant iron head fell right on top of him. "OOOFF!"
"What's that?" Buzzer asked.
"Iron recreation of an Olmec Colossal Head," Gary explained.
"I cut the chain that was holding it," MODOK explained.
"OOFFF!" Flatman tried to escape but couldn't. "Can't move…pinned…Man this is heavy!"
"And then there was one," Destro remarked as he pointed his blaster at Doorman along with everyone else.
"That's it," Doorman sighed. "I'm quitting this gig and going back to graduate school." He teleported away.
"That was anti-climactic," Torch remarked.
"Okay so let's just take all the art that hasn't been wrecked or puked on," MODOK ordered.
"Or bloodstained," Cobra Commander added. "Just grab whatever you can that's not damaged and let's go!"
A few minutes later Mr. Immortal woke up. "Did we win?"
"What…Do…You…Think?" Flatman gasped for breath. There was a mess of blood, vomit, destroyed or wrecked art, laser blasters, dead bodies and missing art.
"I really need to recruit new people," Mr. Immortal sighed as he sat up. "I wonder if Squirrel Girl is still available?"
Then the sounds of police sirens were heard. "Oh boy…" Mr. Immortal winced. "This won't end well."
Meanwhile back in the spaceship…
"I don't know what you're complaining about. We still got a lot of art," Cobra Commander waved.
"Not as much as we hoped," Destro grumbled.
"We wrecked more art than what we stole," The Baroness groaned.
"Hey at least we killed a bunch of superheroes!" Torch spoke up.
"More like Stupid Heroes," MODOK grumbled. "The Great Lakes Avengers has the highest mortality rate of all the superhero groups! Even worse than the X-Men. But you know? At least they come back. Usually."
"It's not that big a deal that we killed some of those guys," Gary added.
"It's basically like killing glorified henchmen," MODOK added. He looked at his team. "No offense guys."
"None taken," Gary told him.
"FINE!" Cobra Commandeer snapped. "Next time we murder someone, it will be someone of importance!"
"Let's just find another art museum!" Destro sighed.
"I have a suggestion," Another AIM scientist spoke up.
The Tokyo National Museum: Tokyo Japan
"This is good," Cobra Commander remarked as the gang stole several Japanese artifacts. "This will increase our reputation. I've been meaning to steal something from Japan. I wonder why it took me so long to do so?"
"Please tell me you haven't forgotten," Zartan groaned as he carried a large picture.
"Oh right…" Cobra Commander remembered. "We didn't want to run into…Okay. Let's not dawdle people."
"Run into who?" Gary asked.
"Not important," Cobra Commander waved. "I mean what are the odds they're even going to be around here?"
"Who's going to be around where?" Vapor asked as he carried a large box.
"Not important," Zartan told him. "We're not going to be here that long anyway. I mean there's no way those guys are going to know we were here until we're gone."
"What guys?" Gary asked.
"Who don't you want to run into?" Vapor asked. "And don't say not important. Because it kind of sounds like it is."
"Just some people we really don't want to cross paths with," Zartan said.
"You mean GI Joe?" MODOK asked in a bored tone.
"No, these guys are worse than the Joes," Zartan groaned. "Let's just hurry up and get out of here."
"Hey guys look what I got," An AIM scientist spoke up. He showed off a ninja sword. "A ninja sword! Cool huh?"
"Yeah there's a whole bunch of them," Another AIM scientist added. "They had a really cool name next to them. Arashi-Cog-eee."
"It's pronounced Arashakagi," Zartan sighed. "Wait…What?"
"It's…" The first AIM scientist began. Suddenly a shuriken was imbedded into his head. "Oooh…" He fell to the floor.
"Huh?" The second AIM scientist blinked. Suddenly his body was hit by shuriken.
"NINJAS!" Cobra Commander hissed. "EVERYBODY RUN!"
"Oh crap!" Buzzer gulped as he and the Cobras ran for their lives. "O-kay…What…?" MODOK began.
He barely had time to put up a mental barrier before several shuriken were thrown his way. "HOLY FREAKING KARATE KID!" MODOK shouted.
A ninja in black appeared from the shadows and used a sword to slice another AIM soldier to pieces in seconds. "RETREAT!" MODOK yelled as the AIM team fled the scene.
"Yeah I just got a new arm!" Gary protested. "I don't want to lose it already!"
"YEOOWWW!" An AIM scientist screamed. "I got one of those star thingies in my butt!"
In record time the combined teams were in the spaceship in the sky. "What the hell was that?" MODOK demanded of Cobra Commander. "Who were those guys?"
"The Arashikage," Zartan explained. "A clan of ninjas that wants to destroy Cobra."
"They must have had some members to guard the exhibits they loaned to the museum," Destro realized.
"We kind of have a ninja clan that's out for our blood," Cobra Commander explained to MODOK. "Well mostly me and Zartan but all Cobras are kind of fair game."
"WHAT?" Vapor gasped.
"It's a long story," Cobra Commander waved.
"It's not that big a deal," Torch said. "Everybody in Cobra knows about it."
"This is the first I'm hearing of it!" Zero shouted.
"And it is kind of a big deal!" MODOK snapped. "You could have warned me about this!"
"I have literally hundreds of enemies," Cobra Commander snapped. "It's kind of hard to keep track of them all."
"I lost three henchmen!" MODOK snapped.
"You can have three of mine!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"No, thank you," MODOK groaned. "You still should have warned me!"
"Well you didn't warn me about the Great Loser Avengers!" Cobra Commander snapped. "You don't see me complaining about it!"
"Fine!" MODOK took a deep breath. "We'll send each other a list of our enemies. Okay?"
"Agreed," Cobra Commander said.
"That was a disaster!" Destro groaned.
"No, it wasn't! We got some things from that museum!" Cobra Commander snapped. "It wasn't a total loss!"
"Dude I still have a shuriken in my butt!" The AIM scientist wailed.
"Oh, don't be such a baby!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Maybe we should call it a night?" MODOK sighed.
"I think it's daytime now here," Gary corrected.
"Day! Night! Whatever time!" MODOK was frustrated.
"No! No! I said we were going to hit fifteen to twenty museums in a 24-hour period and that is what we are going to do!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We've already done damage in about…What? Eleven, twelve museums?"
"Nine," The Baroness told him.
"That's it?" Cobra Commander did a double take. "Huh. It seems we hit more than that."
"Well we did spend a lot of time at the ice cream one," Gary told him. "And the alcohol related ones."
"Okay so we just need six more to make it fifteen!" Cobra Commander snapped. "The next three to five are just going to have to be small and quick. Find something small and easy we can hit that has something valuable!"
"There's a Museum of Sake not even three minutes from here," Crystal Ball told him.
"PERFECT!" Cobra Commander called out.
"WHY?" Destro asked Crystal Ball.
"He asked," Crystal Ball shrugged.
Tokyo Museum of Sake…
"Okay this trip is not turning into what I thought it would be…" MODOK sighed as several Dreadnoks stole barrels of sake.
"Oh, come on," Cobra Commander remarked. "This is still technically a museum! We're just taking better gifts!"
"Don't you have enough alcohol?" MODOK asked.
"Hey it's not like your people aren't taking their fair share!" Cobra Commander pointed to some AIM scientists taking some barrels.
"Ow…" An AIM scientist with some bandages on his behind moaned as he held a barrel. "My butt hurts."
THWACK!
"YEOWWW!" The AIM Scientist screamed as a shuriken landed in his butt again. "MY OTHER BUTT CHEEK!"
"Time to go!" Cobra Commander gulped. "RUN FOR IT!"
"YEOWWW!" Ripper screamed. "MY BUTT GOT HIT TOO!"
"JUST MOVE IT!" Destro shouted as he shot out a wrist rocket to collapse the walls behind them.
"That's barely going to slow them down!" Zartan screamed.
"Long enough to get us out of here!" Destro shouted as he ran past Zartan.
"AAAAHHHH!"
"Oh man," Gary gulped. "They got Kenny! You bastards!"
MODOK corrected him. "No, wait that was Carl."
"Oh, never mind," Gary said as they fled.
"Yeah, he was going to get fired anyway," MODOK admitted. "He's gone way downhill since his divorce."
"JUST RUN FOR IT!" Cobra Commander screamed.
Soon up in the clouds…
"You're just lucky it was Carl that got killed this time," MODOK snapped at Cobra Commander. "He was really incompetent at his job. But you still got one of my guys hurt!"
"Ahem," Cobra Commander pointed to Ripper who was getting bandages on his behind thanks to Monkeywrench.
"Man, those ninjas are fast," Buzzer whistled.
"Too bloody fast for my taste," Ripper moaned.
"This trip is supposed to inspire fear in the world," MODOK told Cobra Commander. "Not the other way around!"
"Look we're up to ten now!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Just five more to go! Let's go to another country. What's close? I know! I know where there's a museum close by that if we hit it will give us instant fame!"
"Oh, I'm afraid of what's coming next," Destro groaned.
The Museum of the Benevolent Leader: North Korea
"I knew it," Destro groaned as he saw the museum through the spaceship window. "Commander you can't be serious!"
"What?" Cobra Commander asked. "It's a museum full of treasures the world hasn't seen in ages!"
"You know there's a reason for that right?" Crystal Ball asked from his podium.
"Best of all it's a secret museum that nobody has ever broken into," Cobra Commander told them. "We grab some things and take some pictures of us trashing the place…BAM! Instant respect!"
"Uh maybe we should just stay in the spaceship?" Gary suggested.
"Yeah, I think AIM is going to sit this one out," MODOK remarked.
"I'm not going to be able to sit for weeks," The injured AIM scientist moaned.
"I think I'll stay in the ship as well," The Baroness remarked. "At the controls. In case we need a quick getaway."
"Good idea," Destro said. "I'll stay as well."
"Fine!" Cobra Commander snapped as the ship landed. "But you two won't get a cut of the profits from this raid."
"Just as long as we don't get cut down," The Baroness remarked. "I'll take it."
"Fine!" Cobra Commander drew out his blaster. "Dreadnoks! Vapor! Zero! To me! COBRAAAA!" He and his team ran out of the spaceship with their blasters drawn into the building.
"Five, four, three…" MODOK started to count down.
"What are you counting for?" Crystal Ball asked.
RATATATTAA TATATAT TATTTAATTTT!
"That," MODOK sighed at the sound of gunfire from the building.
"RETREAT! RETREAT!" Cobra Commander shouted as the raiding party fled for their lives. "COBRA RETREAT!"
"Oh," Crystal Ball realized. "Right…"
"GO! GO! GO! GO!" Cobra Commander screamed as the raiding party ran into the spaceship.
Gary did a double take. "Is that a missile launcher over there?"
"Taking off now!" Destro started the ship's ascent into the air.
"WATCH IT DESTRO!" Zartan panted. "You nearly left me behind!"
"Shame," Destro drawled. "I'll be quicker in the future."
"I got shot in the behind," Ripper moaned as his butt was bleeding.
"I'll get more bandages," Vapor volunteered.
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"That was a little close for comfort," Destro winced as he barely dodged a missile.
"Just get us into outer space!" MODOK told him. "Great plan Cobra Commander!"
"I think I miss the booze museums," Torch moaned.
"Wow those guards were way more prepared than I thought they'd be," Cobra Commander remarked.
"Can we go somewhere where people won't try to kill us?" MODOK snapped.
"I've got one," The Baroness spoke up. "I think I know a museum we can raid."
"Where?" Destro asked.
The Royal Museum of Jewelry: Alexandria, Egypt.
"NOW THIS IS MY KIND OF HEIST!" The Baroness whooped as she ran out of the museum carrying a chest full of jewelry.
"Why didn't we let her pick first?" MODOK asked as he also carried a chest full of jewelry.
"I know right?" Zartan asked as he was laden with jewelry.
"I have to give it to her," Destro admitted. Nearly the entire raiding party was carrying large amounts of expensive and ancient jewelry.
"My wife and daughter are going to love this," MODOK grinned.
"Here's a tip," Destro whispered to MODOK. "Save a few pieces on the side for future presents. Or whenever you need to get out of the doghouse if you get my drift."
"Noted," MODOK agreed.
Cobra Commander was the only one who didn't steal any jewelry. That was because he was in the spaceship. "Okay so we got a lot of jewelry. Big freaking deal."
"It's kind of a no-brainer if you think about it," Gary remarked as he put down his chest of jewelry.
"Why didn't we start with this?" Torch asked. "I'm seriously asking!"
"NEXT!" Cobra Commander shouted. "AND I'M PICKING!"
George Washington's Distillery And Gristmill: Alexandria, Virginia.
"What?" Cobra Commander asked Destro, The Baroness and MODOK as several Dreadnoks and AIM scientists loaded the ship with caskets and bottles. "We went from Alexandria, Egypt to Alexandria, Virginia! It's symmetry!"
"It's a glorified beer run," MODOK said. "You know that, right?"
"This is George Washington's distillery!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We are looting American History!"
"We are looting America's alcohol stash!" Destro snapped.
"Well then you people pick the next target!" Cobra Commander pointed.
"I suggest a museum we can burn!" Torch spoke up.
"Again?" Cobra Commander sighed.
"What museum possibly deserves to be burned?" Gary asked. "That we haven't burned already?"
The Museum of Bad Art: Denham Massachusetts.
"Yeah," Cobra Commander remarked as they looked at the bad art all around them. "Torch light 'em up!"
The Museum of Cocktails: New Orleans, Louisiana.
"What?" Cobra Commander snapped as the Dreadnoks stole some bottles. He picked up a drink shaker. "This shaker was owned by F. Scott Fitzgerald himself! This is literary history people!"
"Okay this is just sad," MODOK remarked.
"Could this guy be any more alcoholic?" An AIM scientist asked.
"Yes," Destro sighed. "Yes, he can."
"Can we have The Baroness pick another one?" Gary suggested.
"Yeah!" The Dreadnoks and the AIM scientists spoke up.
"Fine," Cobra Commander waved. "I'm already stocked up for the next few months. I'll let you geniuses pick the last ones."
"Baroness?" Vapor looked at The Baroness.
"Well…" The Baroness paused.
The Uffizi Gallery: Venice, Italy.
"Now this is an art heist!" MODOK said proudly as he watched almost everyone else steal priceless works of art.
"Oh sure!" Cobra Commander snapped. "If you want to be provincial and steal something everyone else wants!"
"Okay I think we have enough," The Baroness remarked as everyone boarded the spaceship. "Commander we're ready to leave."
"I am the Commander!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We leave when I say we leave!"
"I wasn't giving an order," The Baroness rolled her eyes. "I was just telling you we were ready."
"Oh, I can see that you're ready!" Cobra Commander snapped. "But maybe I'm not ready yet?"
"Uh the cops are coming," Torch looked out the window. "And it looks like the army."
"I'm ready to go now," Cobra Commander huffed as he started to fly the spaceship.
CRASH!
"YOU CRASHED INTO THE MUSEUM?!" MODOK shouted.
"That's going to leave a dent," Gary remarked.
"Okay. Okay I accidentally went a little too forward," Cobra Commander waved. "Let me just put it in reverse…"
CRASH!
"You crashed into another building!" MODOK snapped.
"Well it's not my fault the streets are too narrow!" Cobra Commander shouted. "Let me try this…"
"Are you sure you should be flying?" Gary asked.
"Commander I can take the controls…" Destro coughed.
"No, I've got this!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Here we go…"
CRASH! RRRRRRRIPPP!
"You just tore the roof off of another building!" MODOK told him.
"Again," Cobra Commander snapped. "The streets here are too narrow!"
"It's not the streets that are the problem," Crystal Ball muttered.
"I HEARD THAT!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Let me try…"
CRASH!
"Okay whoever designed this street for all these buildings to be so close together was an idiot!" Cobra Commander screamed.
"Commander perhaps it would be best that I take over the controls?" Destro inched closer to him.
"Yeah take a break," Gary suggested. "Drink some coffee…"
"Are you implying that I'm slightly smacked?" Cobra Commander hissed.
"No, I'm saying you're intoxicated outright," Gary told him. "Like right to your face. This is definitely buzzed flying you're doing and if you don't stop you may kill us all."
"Gary does have a point," MODOK added.
"Oh sure, stick up for your henchman!" Cobra Commander growled.
"He's not the one who's been drinking like a fish at nearly every stop!" MODOK snapped.
"You have been hitting the hooch harder than usual on this trip," Torch spoke up.
"WHO ASKED YOU?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Evil schemes and alcohol are not a good combination," Gary added. "Have you considered joining AA?"
"Have you considered shutting your trap before you join the pavement?" Cobra Commander hissed.
"PAY ATTENTION BEFORE WE CRASH INTO THE PAVEMENT!" Destro shouted.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Everyone screamed as Cobra Commander flew wildly through the city. Snagging clothing lines, destroying balconies…
"COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
SPLAT!
Spattering pigeons against the windshield…
"Okay which button is the windshield wiper?" Cobra Commander looked around.
"COMMANDER!" Destro screamed as the ship appeared to hit a nearby tall building.
"I've got it!" Cobra Commander pulled up on the controls.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Everyone else fell to the back of the ship.
"YEOOWWW!" Ripper yelled. "MY BUTT!"
"MINE TOO!" The AIM scientist moaned.
"SOMEBODY ELSE GET THE CONTROLS!" MODOK screamed.
"Calm down," Cobra Commander evened out the ship. "We're back in outer space again. We're fine. Oh, here's the windshield wipers."
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAPPP!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Or not…" Cobra Commander remarked as a laser blast destroyed a nearby satellite.
"Whose satellite was that?" Destro asked.
"Please tell me it wasn't HBO's!" Gary gulped.
"Well it has Chinese writing on the side," Cobra Commander remarked as some debris floated by. "I'm guessing it's China's. Or is that Korean?"
"No, that is definitely Chinese," MODOK realized as he looked at the debris. "And some of that is falling towards Earth."
"You blew up a Chinese satellite?" Destro snapped.
"Oh, calm down," Cobra Commander waved. "It counts as terrorism. Outer space is crammed with too many satellites and space junk anyway. And the debris will burn out in the atmosphere anyway. Well most of it."
"I'm taking over!" Destro shoved Cobra Commander out of the seat and got in. He pressed another button.
The windshield glowed for a moment removing the dead pigeons and their blood. "Oh, that's the button for the windshield," Cobra Commander remarked. "And the other one is the lasers. Good to know."
Cobra Commander turned around and clapped his hands. "Okay. Where to next?"
"Uhhh…." Everyone else looked at each other.
"Maybe we should stop here?" Gary suggested. "I mean we did just finish the sixteenth museum."
"Yeah why don't we call it a day?" MODOK agreed. "I gotta get Lou's gifts and ice cream back."
"And I am wiped," Zero added.
"I am a bit winded," Monkeywrench panted.
"Well a diet of only donuts, ice cream and grape soda will do that to you," Zartan looked at him.
"I eat other things too!" Monkeywrench protested. "Burgers and fries! And onion rings! Which as everyone knows are vegetables!"
"My mistake," Zartan deadpanned. "But I admit I'm slightly exhausted myself."
"We're all a little tired," Destro added. "I'm good with ending on this."
"Me too," The Baroness nodded. "I believe we've done enough damage."
"Especially Cobra Commander," Torch added.
"No! NO! NO!" Cobra Commander stomped his foot. "We are going to hit one more museum! One last heist they will be talking about for years! And I know just the place!"
The Smithsonian National Museum of American History: Washington DC.
"Here?" Destro asked as the cloaked spaceship landed right outside the museum. "Now?"
"Why not?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Well for starters it's daylight now," Destro remarked.
"Even better," Cobra Commander told him. "A brazen attack on America's treasures in the middle of the day? That will humiliate the United States government!"
"Well somebody's bound to be humiliated," Crystal Ball muttered.
"Good plan! I'm in!" MODOK said proudly.
"Excellent!" Cobra Commander took out his blaster.
"Uh Commander," Crystal Ball spoke up. "I wouldn't try to steal from this particular museum right now if I were you."
"And if I were you…" Cobra Commander growled. "I'd keep my trap shut unless you want to find yourself in the middle of a giant pinball machine. Note to self, ask Mindbender to create a giant pinball machine."
"I'll be good," Crystal Ball gulped.
"Baroness you stay behind in the ship," Cobra Commander ordered. "You can keep Crystal Ball company."
"Fine," The Baroness decided complaining wasn't going to get her anywhere.
"Gary you stay with her," MODOK ordered.
"Okey-dokey!" Gary said cheerfully.
The raiding party left. "Don't feel bad," Gary said to The Baroness.
"I don't," The Baroness said.
"Cobra Commander is obviously jealous that you picked better places to raid than he did," Gary went on.
"I know," The Baroness rolled her eyes.
"Pretty passive aggressive, isn't he?" Gary asked.
"There's nothing passive about the Commander's aggression," The Baroness told him.
"Trust me," Crystal Ball told them. "You two lucked out. You do not want to go in there. A little tip, you might want to get the engine running."
"Why?" The Baroness asked.
"Let's just say they're not the only ones visiting the museum today," Crystal Ball sighed.
"What?" Gary asked. "Did you sense something with your mystic powers?"
"I read the sign in front of the museum," Crystal Ball told him.
"Sign? What sign?" The Baroness did a double take. "Oh. That sign."
"How did we miss that?" Gary asked. "It's pretty big and it clearly says…"
"Yeah," Crystal Ball remarked as the sounds of screams and fighting was heard from inside the museum. "Again…You might…"
"Preparing for takeoff," The Baroness prepared to depart.
"COBRA RETREAT!" Cobra Commander was heard screaming. "OWWWW!"
"I warned him," Crystal Ball chuckled.
"YEOWWWWW!" Ripper was heard screaming. "THAT REALLY HURTS! AND MY BUTT WAS ALREADY HURT BEFORE THIS! OWWW!"
"OOWWWWWWWWW! MY BUTT AGAIN!" The AIM Scientist screamed.
"THIS WAS A BAD IDEA!" MODOK was heard shouting.
"COBRA! RETREAT! RETREAT!" Cobra Commander screamed as he fled the museum.
"WHAT HE SAID!" MODOK flew ahead of him. "RETREAT! RETREAT!"
"WAIT FOR US!" Zartan yelled. The raiding party looked disheveled. Ripper had two arrows in his behind.
Hot on their trail was not only GI Joe, but Captain America, Iron Man, Hawkeye, Falcon and several dozen very angry elderly soldiers. "GET 'EM MEN!" One of the elderly soldiers shouted.
"AAAAAAHHHH!" Cobra Commander screamed as several bullets shot out. "WHO GAVE THOSE GEEZERS GUNS? AAAAAAAAHHH!"
"GO! GO! GO! GO!" Destro shouted as they boarded.
"TAKE OFF!" Cobra Commander screamed. "TAKE OFF NOW!"
"Taking off," The Baroness said calmly as she took to the stars.
"Is everybody here?" MODOK asked.
"No," An AIM Scientist spoke up. "They got Dave."
"Was Dave the one who got his butt hit by shrunken too?" Ripper moaned as he lay on his stomach on the floor.
"No, that's me," The person he was talking about spoke up. "Hello, my name is Earl."
"Those old geezers got him good," An AIM remarked. "Those old guys are good shots."
"Why do they still have guns?" MODOK asked. "And what the hell were the Avengers and GI Joe doing there in the first place?"
"They were honoring veterans at a new exhibit at the Smithsonian," Gary spoke up. "And having a target shooting contest ironically."
"Cobra Commander…" MODOK growled.
"HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?" Cobra Commander screamed.
"If you listened to me for one minute I would have pointed out the gigantic sign in front," Crystal Ball snapped. "The one that said The Avengers and GI Joe honoring service men from World War II."
"To be fair we didn't see it either until Crystal Ball pointed it out," Gary added.
"Some of those older blokes were surprisingly spry," Torch moaned. "And had some really good right hooks!"
"Could somebody pull these arrows out of my butt?" Ripper moaned in agony.
"I don't know what happened," Zartan was dazed. "In less than a minute those old soldiers were everywhere. And some were very accurate with their walkers…Ow…"
"Well Cobra Commander," Crystal Ball said cheerfully. "You wanted people to talk about us. Mission accomplished."
"Oh, we are definitely going to talk about this for years," Destro glared at Cobra Commander.
"Shut up and pass the bandages," Cobra Commander grumbled.