How Do You Solve A Problem Like Cobra?
"This time Cobra and MODOK have gone too far!" Captain America slammed his fist on the table. Members of the Avengers and GI Joe were there.
"Which specifically is the line they crossed for you?" Shipwreck raised his hand. "For me it was way back when Cobra made the Weather Dominator and tried to turn the entire planet into an icicle."
"If this is about their botched attempt to steal from the Smithsonian yesterday," Lady Jaye spoke up. "That's actually par for the course as far as Cobra Commander is concerned."
"No," Captain America shook his head. "But that didn't help matters."
"Then it has to be when they robbed and set fire to all those museums," General Hawk spoke up. "Admittedly that didn't tick me off as the time Cobra tried to destroy New York and stole the Eiffel Tower."
"Wait," Iron Man did a double take. "Cobra stole the Eiffel Tower?"
"And the Queen of the United Kingdom," Duke told them. "An entire battalion of the Soviet Union Army. Several generals and diplomats. Several satellites. And they tried to steal Alaska once."
"That's horrible," Captain America gasped.
"Yeah how did I not know about this?" Iron Man asked.
"Well it was a long time ago," General Hawk admitted.
"Yes, but I'm talking about something else they've done that's the last straw," Captain America told him.
"Well it can't be the fact they invaded North Korea and then blew up a Chinese satellite," Black Widow spoke up. "Or the fact they stole a lot of alcohol."
"Which again," Lady Jaye remarked. "Par for the course."
"Stealing all that ice cream is a bit of a stretch but then again…" Shipwreck added. "A lot of it was alcoholic…"
"No!" Captain America shook his head. "I just got word. Cobra and AIM slaughtered most of the Great Lakes Avengers!"
"Who?" General Hawk asked.
"I never heard of any other Avengers," Lady Jaye remarked.
"Not many people have," Iron Man groaned. "With good reason."
"There's this other team of Avengers," Hawkeye explained. "In the Midwest. Widow and I have trained them. Or at least we tried to."
"Basically, a bunch of amateurs decided to set up their own superhero team," Iron Man explained. "They're only Avengers for legal reasons."
"And whose fault is that?" Hawkeye snapped. "The judge would never have sided with them if you hadn't opened your big mouth Stark!"
"All I said was it might not be a bad idea to have other branches of Avengers," Iron Man told him. "Like on the west coast."
"That was all they needed!" Black Widow snapped. "And Mr. Immortal is surprisingly good with paperwork."
"Paperwork?" Duke asked.
"Somehow, he found a way to fill out specific SHIELD request forms to start a superhero team," Black Widow asked. "Apparently SHIELD has an office somewhere in Madison Wisconsin for insurance purposes. Mr. Immortal found it and managed to get the forms."
"I don't suppose it's too much to hope for that he's one of the ones who died?" Hawkeye sighed.
"His name is Mr. Immortal," Black Widow looked at him. "What do you think?"
"He's one of the three survivors," Captain America explained. "Along with Flatman…"
"Oh God!" Black Widow rolled her eyes.
"Figures," Iron Man said at the same time.
"That guy?" Hawkeye asked at the same time.
"And Doorman," Captain America added. "Who immediately quit the team."
"Awww," Hawkeye remarked. "I liked Doorman."
"Me too," Black Widow agreed. "He was the only one with any talent or common sense."
"He's going back to grad school," Captain America explained.
"Good for him," Hawkeye said.
"I'm guessing the latest version of Grasshopper is dead too," Iron Man asked.
"First one that got killed according to the report," Captain America sighed.
"No surprises there," Iron Man remarked. "He took off his helmet in the middle of the fight, didn't he? That's how it always seems to happen with those guys!"
"Those guys?" Duke asked.
"They have this rip-off Iron Man armor with a grasshopper theme," Hawkeye explained. "What was this one? The fifth or sixth one?"
"I think the fifth," Black Widow remarked.
"What happened exactly?" Lady Jaye asked.
"Apparently the Great Lakes Avengers confronted both Cobra and AIM as they were robbing the Detroit Art Museum," Captain America explained. "I just had a call from the Detroit Police. The security cameras and forensics cleared what's left of the GLA of any wrongdoing. Except for trespassing and destruction of some of the art. Apparently even superheroes need permission."
"Well add that to the list," Shipwreck said.
"I'm trying to look for a pattern in these latest thefts and attacks but I can't find any," Black Widow admitted. "It's like they were all done at random or at the spur of the moment."
"That's because they probably were," Roadblock sighed. "That's Cobra MO I do concur."
"MODOK is crazy," Iron Man admitted. "But he's not this crazy. Or unorganized. Usually."
"That has to be Cobra Commander's influence," Lady Jaye told him.
"Cobra Commander is getting more and more outrageous," Roadblock groaned. "And unfortunately, his insanity is contagious."
"Okay that's it!" General Hawk barked. "All year Cobra has been running around causing mayhem with no rhyme or reason. And I've had enough. This has been going on way too long!"
"Feels like they've been doing this for several years instead of one for some reason," Shipwreck admitted.
"If they're not stealing whatever they can get their grabby hands on," Duke added. "They're making giant animals or zombies or burning down chicken restaurants…"
"Chicken restaurants?" Captain America blinked.
"Don't ask," Duke groaned.
"Don't forget the mutants," Lady Jaye added. "Like the talking panda."
"Oh man I'd forgotten about the talking panda," Shipwreck remarked. "How is Yang doing anyway? Anyone heard from him?"
"Talking panda?" Hawkeye asked.
"It's a long story," Duke groaned. "Not half as weird as the time they fought us using toilets."
"Stolen toilets," Lady Jaye corrected.
"How do you fight anyone using stolen toilets?" Captain America asked.
"I know," Shipwreck snorted. "They don't teach that in basic training."
"They threw them off their spaceship like bombs," Duke explained.
"I've heard of dropping a duce but…" Hawkeye was stunned.
"The point is," General Hawk spoke up. "Cobra has been running amok for over a year and this needs to stop."
"Yeah before things get really out of hand," Shipwreck said sarcastically.
Meanwhile…
"This is starting to get out of hand," Jodie told her husband in their private quarters. "I'm glad you stole some art and jewelry…"
"LOVE THE JEWELRY DADDY!" A teenage girl's voice squealed from the next room.
"YOU'RE WELCOME PRINCESS!" MODOK called out.
Jodie went on. "And the fact you were thoughtful enough to get ice cream as well as gifts for Lou's party is a plus."
"MODOK is very good at multitasking," MODOK told her.
"And yes, you blew up a Chinese satellite and caused a lot of murder and mayhem," Jodie went on. "But…"
"I know where this is going," MODOK stopped her. "Look I didn't know Cobra Commander was that big an alcoholic!"
"I was going for unorganized and erratic," Jodie added. "As well as completely nuts. But yeah alcoholism works too. How big are we talking about?"
"He nearly crashed the spaceship into the ground three times in less than three minutes," MODOK told her.
"Oh dear," Jodie was stunned.
"He wasn't just buzzed theft and villainy," MODOK went on. "We're talking full on drunken binge villainy. The guy couldn't go on one heist without either stealing alcohol of some kind or drinking it!"
"Oh my," Jodie remarked.
"Not that the rest of his people were any better," MODOK added. "Destro and the Baroness…Let's just say you do not want to go on a double date with them. Unless you're planning on murdering them at the end. And by the end I mean at the beginning."
"That bad?"
"Oh yeah," MODOK nodded. "And those Dreadnoks. Monica's experiments have better manners. And hygiene. And I'm including the dead ones. I'm starting to think this alliance with Cobra was a huge mistake."
A beep came from a nearby computer. Jodie looked at it. "I just got a news alert. According to the press the United Nations have unanimously decided that Cobra is the greatest threat to the entire world and all nations have pledged to eradicate it."
"Swell…" MODOK groaned. "What about AIM?"
"I don't think we were even mentioned," Jodie told him. "To be fair the resolution was on the table around the time of the giant goat."
"Typical," MODOK fumed. "MODOK is overlooked again!"
"Look let's focus on the bright side," Jodie said. "You did take part in a lot of art heists and destruction. That has to bring you up in the villain rankings."
"Please those things are totally rigged," MODOK waved. "But even those jerks have to acknowledge some street cred. Too bad Cobra isn't their favorite either."
"So just keep using Cobra until you don't need them anymore," Jodie said. "Then cut them loose."
"You're right," MODOK sighed. "I mean we already have all the superheroes and armies and police and other authorities that are mad at Cobra. How much worse can it get?"
Meanwhile at a secret location…
"I call this emergency meeting of the Villain's Society into order," The Kingpin pounded on his gavel. "We are talking about the scourge that has plagued us this year. And I'm not talking about those do-gooders. Oh no. We're talking about a menace that's even worse than all those superheroes combined!"
An image of Cobra Commander and several other Cobras was shown on screen. "Cobra!" Kingpin shouted. "This group of terrible terrorists has never exactly been the sharpest bayonet in the arsenal. But this year they have gotten even worse! And somehow, they've recruited AIM into their cause. Which means that moron MODOK is with them!"
Everyone in the room grumbled at the news. "Seriously? God, I hate that guy! Which one? MODOK or Cobra Commander? Pick one. They're both losers. I guess like attracts like."
"I will now open up the floor to complaints," Kingpin called out. "Madame Hydra you first."
Madame Hydra stood up. "Thanks to Cobra, Hydra has been crippled to a degree not seen since the end of World War Two. I barely managed to escape with my life and away from the Avengers thanks to those snakes! Plus, our manpower revenue is down! It will be decades before we regain the numbers and finances we once had!"
Doctor Octopus stood up. "I got arrested thanks to Cobra! And that idiot Mindbender! Lucky for me I managed to break my way out. But still…"
"Hobgoblin here," A man in an orange troll costume stood up. "I hate Cobra. Not only are they stealing and wrecking all the good stuff. They destroyed all the Clucky Chicken Shack restaurants! Oh, come on! The Clucky Chicken sandwiches are the best!"
"Let's have someone else speak," Kingpin sighed.
"Oh, come on!" Hobgoblin grumbled. "I can't be the only one! I know for a fact Taskmaster chows down on ten a week! Don't look away Taskmaster and pretend you're not seeing me. I know you can see me!"
A tall muscular black-haired man with furs on his body stood up. "Kraven the Hunter. I have a beef with Cobra. They destroyed a beautiful bird sanctuary. And I was planning on hunting there this week!"
Kraven paused. "Also, I too like the Clucky Chicken sandwiches."
"Thank you!" Hobgoblin threw up his hands. "Was that so hard to admit?"
"Norman Osborne AKA the Green Goblin," A green goblin like man in a business suit spoke up. "I invested millions in the Clucky Chicken company and thanks to Cobra all that money has gone up in smoke!"
Taskmaster stood up. "Plus, those sandwiches really are good."
"I knew it," Hobgoblin said smugly.
"Can we stop talking about the damn sandwiches?" Madame Hydra shouted. "I think what Cobra is doing is a far bigger problem than that!"
The Green Goblin looked at her. "Didn't Hydra also invest millions in that chicken franchise?"
"Son of a…" Madame Hydra realized it was true.
"Can we forget about the stupid chicken joints for a minute?" A large man in a rhino costume stood up. "I got something to say here."
"Go ahead Rhino," Kingpin nodded.
"Thank you," Rhino nodded. "Captain Crinkles was a great restaurant and apparently those jerks set fire to it! That makes me mad!"
"You think that's terrible?" Doctor Octopus asked. "They destroyed the Crystal Serpent Casino in Madripoor. They had very good drinks there and an excellent menu at their restaurant!"
"That was one of my favorite restaurants in Madripoor!" Madame Hydra growled.
"And the portions were amazing," Hobgoblin added. "You really got your money's worth. High quality too."
"Was that the place with the really good sushi boat?" A female villain in the back spoke up.
"Oh yes," Green Goblin nodded. "They had amazing sushi."
"What is this?" Kingpin snapped. "The Villain's Gourmet Society?"
"I would have thought you of all people would appreciate good food," Hobgoblin remarked.
Kingpin sighed. "Does anybody have any non-food related complaints?"
"I do," A familiar villain stood up. "Bullseye. World's greatest assassin. I have a problem with the ranking system here. I'm supposed to be in the top five in the non-superpowered category and the top fifteen in the overall category. This morning I checked my numbers and I've been bumped down to Number 25! And that jerk MODOK is ahead of me! He's moved up to Number 7!"
"That can't be right," Dr. Octopus remarked. "I'm Number 7!"
"Not anymore compared to the stats," Bullseye told him. "How did MODOK get so high on the list? Could somebody answer that question?"
"I believe I can," A green man with a large head and a beard wearing red and green stood up. "You know me. I'm the Leader. I've been put in charge of the computer that calculates the status of our little super villain community."
"Right after the Ultron incident," Dr. Octopus folded his two human arms.
"MODOK's stats have risen only because of his association with Cobra in their shenanigans," The Leader told him. "And as much as I hate to admit it, several thefts of museum property, arson, the destruction of a Chinese satellite, getting into a gunfight with the Los Angeles Police department, and participating in the mass destruction of a superhero team all within twenty-four hours counts."
"Superhero team? You mean the GLA?" Bullseye shouted.
"Who?" Rhino asked.
"Great Lakes Avengers," Bullseye told him. "They're a bunch of wannabees in the Midwest."
"Oh, I know those guys," Hobgoblin remarked. "Not exactly real Avengers material."
"Well since most of them were killed during the latest skirmish with Cobra and MODOK…" The Leader sighed as he looked at his computer pad. "It still counts. Now Cobra has risen to Number One in the Terrorist Organization category. With AIM in second place."
"THAT'S AN OUTRAGE!" Madame Hydra screamed.
"Hang on," A man with a wrecking ball held up his hand. "If both Cobra and AIM did all that together…Why is AIM Number Two?"
"When has AIM been anything but Number Two?" Madame Hydra hissed.
"Because the algorithm has factored in all of Cobra's other accomplishments this year," The Leader explained. "Such as the giant goat that terrorized half of Europe, kidnapping and brainwashing Walden Kelso, murdering a prominent member of a boy band, robbing and holding hostage the members of the European Banker's Union…Taking over a circus in Mexico and attacking people with lions…"
"They also TP'd the Avenger's Tower," Hobgoblin added. "Okay I admit, that one was funny!"
The villains in the room chuckled. "Yes, that was mildly amusing," Kingpin smirked. "In a juvenile way."
"Apparently, they also raided and had a hand in destroying Olympus," The Leader went on. "According to this intel from Hades. Their arson stats have gone through the roof. The incident with them stealing the Little Mermaid statue and putting it somewhere else caused international outrage."
"I don't know why," A villain grumbled in the back. "That statue doesn't even look like Ariel."
"Plus, when you factor in the spaceship," The Leader went on. "And the rumor that they acquired a vampire into their ranks…"
"Little wonder Cobra has risen so quickly this year," Dr. Octopus grunted.
"A little too quickly for my tastes," The Green Goblin spoke up. "Chaos and destruction is all well and good. But without a grander purpose it's so…Cartoonish."
"I heard they stole a bunch of toilets," Rhino spoke up. "And then used them in a fight with the army."
"How would that work?" Dr. Octopus asked.
"Apparently they threw 'em out of their spaceship like anvils and…" Rhino began.
"Yes. Yes!" Kingpin interrupted him. "I believe we get the picture."
"I am Gorgon," A tall man with a black beard, muscles and bull like legs stood up. "Cousin to Black Bolt and representative of the Inhumans at this meeting."
"Wait…" Kraven did a double take. "The Inhumans are bad guys now?"
"Apparently," Gorgon grumbled.
"Well you are a xenophobic slave owning society ruled by an absolute monarchy," The Leader remarked. "Who tried to not only wipe out the mutants, you turned regular humans into Inhumans against their will. So yeah, you people count as bad guys."
"Still…" Gorgon grumbled. "We too have a complaint against Cobra. They have blatantly attacked our city on the moon without impunity! A quarter of our population died in that attack! Then more died when the Alpha Primitives started another slave revolt."
"How…?" Kingpin began to asked.
"The garrison holding the soldiers responsible for controlling the Alpha Primitives was hit and destroyed," Gorgon groaned. "With most of the soldiers in it. By the way, head's up. Several dozen Alpha Primitives managed to steal a couple spaceships. They're somewhere on Earth."
"And you want us to find them for a price?" Kraven asked hopefully.
"Honestly, we don't even care if they come back," Gorgon sighed. "We've decided to change over to robot servants in the future and breed out the Alpha Primitives."
"Oh yeah," Rhino snorted. "Go use robots as slaves. That won't backfire on you at all!"
"You've never seen the movie Westworld have you?" Hobgoblin asked.
"Or a Terminator movie," The Leader added.
"It could be worse," Kingpin said sarcastically. "They could have lost a decent restaurant."
Gorgon paused. "Multropono's actually. It was one of the finest restaurants in Atitlan. Five stars. The royal family attended often. They had the best steak in the universe."
"I'm so sorry Dude," Hobgoblin said.
"We feel your pain," Another villain spoke up.
Kingpin decided to press on. "How do you know Cobra was responsible for the attack?"
"Are you kidding?" Gorgon snapped. "His name was all over it!"
"How so?" Kingpin asked. "You recognized his spaceship? His MO? His henchmen?"
"No, Cobra Commander literally wrote his name on it," Gorgon explained. "He was writing his name on the moon with lasers. Unfortunately, those lasers penetrated the supposedly indestructible dome of our city. You can guess the rest."
"Wait hang on…" Kingpin did a double take. "Cobra Commander used lasers from a spaceship to write his name on the moon?"
"To be fair our city is camouflaged so he probably didn't see it," Gorgon admitted. "But yes."
"Cobra Commander used a powerful weapon like that to commit interstellar graffiti?" Kingpin was shocked.
"It's not like he hasn't tried it before," Madame Hydra groaned.
"Oh yes I'd forgotten about that incident," Kingpin frowned. "As I understand it…Cobra Commander is using a spaceship of immense power to commit juvenile crimes and go on some kind of twisted booze cruise?"
"That seems to be the case," The Leader remarked. "The question is, where did a dunderhead like Cobra Commander get his hands on a spaceship that powerful in the first place?"
"I can answer that," A brunette woman with long purple robes stood up. "Agatha Harkness. I have a connection with the spirits and the world beyond this world. And boy a lot of them are pissed!"
"What can you tell us Ms. Harkness?" Kingpin asked.
"Somehow Cobra managed to slide into another dimension and they hijacked the spaceship from an advanced civilization," Agatha explained. "Which they then currently wrecked."
"I see," Kingpin nodded.
"Apparently the spaceship has the ability to travel to other different dimensions," Agatha explained. "Cobra Commander had the brilliant idea to try and take over another dimension but ended up wrecking it instead."
"They wrecked an entire dimension?" Kingpin gasped.
"They wrecked a lot of dimensions," Agatha said. "I had some vacation homes in some of them! I'm pissed!"
"Are there any Clucky's Chicken Shacks in them?" Hobgoblin asked.
"Will you can it with the chicken restaurant thing?" Agatha snapped. "We have bigger problems!"
"I'd like to take the floor if I may," The Leader spoke up.
"Go ahead," Kingpin motioned.
"Clearly Cobra is more of a threat to all of us than we first suspected. First of all…" The Leader paused for dramatic effect. "The Clucky Chicken sandwiches and tenders were excellent fast food at a reasonable price. I can't deny that."
"Oh, for the love of…" Kingpin groaned.
"I mean who among us hasn't gotten a tad peckish either on the way to a heist?" The Leader went on. "Or on the run from the authorities and you want a quick snack to fill you up to give you that extra energy? I have. And it was not only cheap but damn convenient."
"Why didn't you just steal the stupid sandwiches?" Kingpin snapped.
"Well you don't want to steal them before you commit a heist," Hobgoblin told him. "That would tip off the cops."
"Who says I haven't stolen a sandwich or two?" The Leader asked. "While making an escape or trying to get away from the authorities of course."
"But not before," Hobgoblin added.
"Obviously not before," The Leader admitted. "That's just common sense."
"Good we could use some," The Kingpin groaned.
"But the real danger is that Cobra's recklessness is a threat to all of us and our own enterprises!" The Leader went on. "And that we can not ignore!"
The villains called out in agreement. "They stole from a museum I was planning on stealing from!" A female villain shouted. "And burned it down before I did!"
"I have a cousin in Slovenia!" Another villain shouted. "That damn goat trampled his house and my cousin! And I actually liked my cousin! He helped fence things for me overseas! And that house was a great hideout!"
"I have an uncle in Mexico that got eaten by one of those damn lions!" Another villain grumbled. "Okay he wasn't my favorite and I didn't get anything in the will…But still…"
"You were planning on killing him yourself," Bullseye guessed. "I get it. It's the principle of the thing."
"They've been horning in on my taped knife fights racket!" Another villain shouted.
"My brother got eaten by a rampaging monster made out of marijuana!" Another villain shouted. "And yes, I liked him! He was my accountant! Now who's going to do my taxes?"
"You pay taxes?" Hobgoblin asked.
"It's for my alter ego," The villain explained.
"Oh, your cover," Green Goblin remarked. "Got it."
"Don't forget about the Horse Chavez!" Another villain shouted. "He was a good friend of mine that bought a lot of weapons from me! Well that source of revenue is gone!"
"I'd forgotten about the Snakebite Cola debacle," Kingpin realized.
"They murdered Miguel De Lameros!" A female villain screamed. "His death shall not go unavenged!"
"That was them?" The Leader gasped. "I loved King of the Southern Boarder!"
"I used to sell weapons secretly to the Quebec Separatist movement," Another villain spoke up. "There's a couple of million I'll never get!"
"Tell me about it," Kingpin grumbled. "I had a few connections with the Portuguese Mob! Cobra killed some of my best customers and informants!"
"And we all know what happened to Dr. Doom," The Leader added. "Which by the way is in direct violation of the Treaty of Latveria!"
"We know," Bullseye remarked. "We don't take over Latveria or commit crimes there, Doom doesn't muscle in on our operations."
"The actions of Cobra Commander and MODOK there directly violate the treaty!" The Leader shouted. "Wait hang on…"
"MODOK wasn't there for that one," Agatha told him. "Just Cobra."
"Still…" The Leader sniffed.
"Look none of us like MODOK," Kraven spoke up. "But I don't even think that genius…and I use the term loosely…Knew how crazy Cobra is!"
"I think it's safe to say none of us knew exactly how insane Cobra is," Kingpin remarked. "I propose a vote. All in favor of destroying Cobra…And by proxy MODOK and AIM…"
"AYEEE!" Everyone shouted.
"Anyone opposed?" Kingpin asked.
You could hear a pin drop. "The motion passes," Kingpin told them. "Forget the heroes. From now on we will devote all our efforts to destroying Cobra! And probably MODOK and AIM."
"Probably?" Kraven asked.
"This is MODOK," Kingpin remarked. "Odds are he might turn on him. Or vice versa."
"Oh…" Kraven nodded. "That makes sense."
"Nevertheless, our main target is Cobra!" Kingpin told the villains. "And if we get rid of MODOK too that's just gravy."
"And we take that spaceship from Cobra," The Leader said. "And steal it for ourselves!"
"YEAHHHH!" The entire group cheered in agreement.
"Speaking of gravy," Hobgoblin spoke up. "It's time for lunch. Anybody know a good place to eat for cheap?"
Everyone looked at Kingpin. "Why are you looking at…?" Kingpin began. Then his stomach growled. "Oh…right. Well we're all here and hungry. Might as well order from Famous Rays. I have an account there."
"That is good pizza," Hobgoblin remarked.
"All right first we'll have lunch," Kingpin remarked. "Then we'll devote all our energies to destroying Cobra!"
"Quake in fear Cobra Commander," The Leader cackled. "The world's greatest villains are coming for you!"
Meanwhile…
Cobra Commander was sitting at his desk with his feet up. Snoring away. Several empty bottles of alcohol were all around him. "Zzzzzzzzzz….."