authorsnote: here we gooooo

love this story, love this vibe, I hope you do as well! tell me if you do!

as always I hope you enjoy and I hope the anticipation is building, it is for me and I'm writing it!

songrecs: deja vu - olivia rodrigo (I go through periods of recommending songs based on the albums I am replaying constantly. folklore and evermore had their days, now it is sour - highly recommend!)

When she wakes up, she knows something is different. Something is wrong.

For one her cheek hurts, it's pressed against something that is most certainly not a pillow and aches because of it. Her side also throbs because she's twisted around wherever she is. But that's not the main thing she feels.

No, she feels fuzzy.

That's the only way she can think to describe it. She feels fuzzy, like someone's placed a cheering charm on her, like things are blurring around the edges. It feels good, too good, she feels almost giddy, and wavey - is wavey a word? Regardless she feels on the verge of fainting and like perhaps her body is spinning without her knowing it, turning around and around like a top.

Is she high? She remembers being on laughing gas when she broke her arm in reception year and the Doctor had to snap it back into place. This feels similar, but she knows she's taken nothing. Is it drugs? Magic? A potion? She doesn't know.

She does know that she needs to wake up, open her eyes and process what happened yesterday. She lets out a groan, her eyes still clamped shut as she thinks on what happened the day before.

The pain, the longing, Malfoy and his goddamn stubbornness, her courage, their hands joining, her head falling to them both, his fingers stroking her skin. Peace, it had felt like peace. It had even been more than that. It had felt like a moment of calm, of quiet, it had felt wonderful.

And then?

She can't remember, she can't remember how she got back to her dorm, or how they broke apart and that has her opening her eyes with a gasp when it all slots together.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

As soon as she opens her eyes, she realises why her cheek hurts, why she can't remember going back to her dorm and it's easy to infer why she feels so fuzzy. As she lifts her head and Malfoy wakes with a groan too it all comes together.

They never left the library.

She's not sure how she fell asleep, but it explains everything. As she sits up, she realises her head had been pressed on the table, her body twisted to curl up against it and her hand is still holding Malfoy's. She feels like she had simultaneously the best and worst night's sleep of her life. The worst because she's not in a bed, the best because every ache and pain from the day before is gone and her body feels like someone's placed a weightlessness charm on it or she's eaten a pack of Fizzing Whizbees. She feels impossibly light, giddy, but she has enough of herself to be worried.

She looks over at Malfoy as she manages to lift her head, she doesn't get much further than that as a wave of dizziness washes over her. It's strange because it doesn't feel bad, just overwhelming.

"Malfoy" She whispers for she knows he's waking up, but his eyes remain closed. She goes to say his name again before she finds herself looking at him, really looking at him, and once she does, his name dies on her lips.

He looks tired, even in sleep. Dark circles are permanent fixtures around his eyes, almost like bruises against his pale skin. And yet he looks better, the circles a little lighter, less bruise like, his skin not so pale, he has a bit of colour. He seems a little stronger too, she's not sure how she can tell that from looking at him but she can.

Perhaps the nights sleep has been as good for him as it has for her.

Because it has been for her. Yes her side hurts, and yes she's worried her friends are no doubt worried for her, and yes this fuzzy, floating feeling would be concerning if it didn't feel so weirdly good, but it's more than that. It's every ache, pain and concern gone. It's the fact the day before she'd been in agony, her chest aching, her stomach squirming and now she feels great, no lingering headache, no aches or pains, it's amazing.

What is really concerning is why she feels like that. She knows why of course, but doesn't want to consider it, not yet, nor consider why she'd felt so bad and why it's cured.

Her hand is still threaded through Malfoy's and she squeezes it. Another groan leaves his lips and she can see his eyes flutter open then.

For a moment, just a moment, there's no spite in them. He looks calm, he looks relaxed, his eyes are soft and his gaze kind, well maybe not kind but neutral, better than a sneer or a glare.

It's only for a moment though, only a moment.

He rips his hand away, and shoots to his feet, stumbling back even, and she remarks this is the least graceful she's ever seen him. He tugs at the neck of his shirt, his hand shaking as he does so. She'd feel sympathetic if he wasn't looking at her with venom in his eyes if it wasn't for the instantaneous affect his absence has on her.

It's not painful, but it feels like she's come crashing down to Earth. The fuzzy feeling is gone, almost immediately, though some of the weightlessness lingers, she suddenly feels like herself again, less foggy, her mind less clouded. That's what has her leaping to her feet as well.

With Malfoy's hand in hers it had been easy to linger, to feel the affect of it on her, to worry yes, but to feel so amazing had kept her just languishing in place. Now she still feels the best she has in months, years maybe, her body relaxed and weightless, but her mind has snapped sharply back to the problem at hand.

"Tempus" She quickly mutters, picking up her wand from the desk and giving it a swish. She can see it's 7am, her usual wake up time, and she lets out a small sigh of relief, sure her absence will be noted, her friends worried, but at least she can make it down to breakfast, claim she fell asleep in the library (which is true, and she's done it before now), and then hopefully get on with her day.

Well, get on with until she starts to hurt again. Anxiety spikes in her, when will that be? How long will she feel this hazy? How long until she feels normal and then worse? She shivers and lifts her gaze to Malfoy again, he's the one with the answers, the library for once failing her.

"Don't" He says before she can even utter a word.

"Malfoy" She says, snappy now, she loathes not knowing things, and Malfoy is currently in her way of knowing things. "I need to know what's going on. I'm part of this to, you can't keep it from me"

"Granger" He practically growls, and she flinches, she hates that she flinches, she notices he does in response, even goes to take a step forward before pulling himself back, and she crosses her arms, scowling now, most of the hazy feelings chased away.

"Malfoy" She practically growls back and is almost vindicated to see his eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "You're not being fair"

"I never claimed to be" The venom in his voice was unmistakable.

"Well, you need to be" She realised she was bordering on shrill then, and forced herself to take a deep breath to calm herself before continuing, "This effects both of us" She waved her hand then, indicating between them, "Clearly"

"Granger" He said, but this time he sounded more defeated, in fact she could see his shoulders sag, a sigh leaves his lips. She felt the odd stirrings of pity, of worry, but quickly squashed them down. She knew Malfoy was likely to respond to pity by storming out, which was the last thing they needed. "Can't you leave it alone?"

"We may not like each other Malfoy, but I'm sure we know each other's basic personalities well enough" She said briskly, "And so you'll know I can't"

She wanted to yell at him that he shouldn't ask her too, that she deserved too, but the lack of him nearby hasn't kicked in yet, she's afraid it will soon, and that has her biting her tongue.

"You don't want to hear it" She resisted the urge to glare at him, and instead took a step forward, she was hardly surprised to see him take a step back.

"I need to hear it" She emphasised the 'need'. She was sure he was right, that she wouldn't want to hear just how awful their situation was. She still felt amazing after a night spent touching his skin, she could already imagine the levels of awful this was, but that didn't mean she could stick her head in the sand and ignore it.

Even if she weren't Hermione Granger, she'd need to know.

That seemed to stir with Malfoy, perhaps she had sounded needy, but for once she didn't care, she needed Malfoy to open up to her and if she had to show some vulnerability to get him to do so then she would.

She was tempted to say please, but she couldn't stoop that low. Not now, not yet.

"Malfoy..." She began, anger entering her tone now. She knew she should bite her tongue, not get ruffled but he was infuriating! Dictating what she could and couldn't know. If she didn't feel so relaxed, she'd scream.

"Alright!" He near yelled back, glancing around then, in worry someone had heard, thankfully they were alone, and she near laughed at that, who knew she'd ever be thankful for being alone with Malfoy? "Alright" His tone dropped, and he sounded almost defeated, perhaps her 'need' had worked, she was almost thankful he'd cut her off before she could yell at him.

"But not now" He said with a shake of his head, the golden glow that clung to him rippling as he moved. It was appealing yes, and she found herself focusing on it for a second before she shook her head, now was not the time to be caught by Malfoy's glow, though she doubted there would ever be a good time to do that. "Not here"

"When? Where?" She fired back immediately, the humourless laugh that followed from him made her flinch, and he glanced at her, with almost concern she would have thought, had he not been Malfoy.

"Tonight" He offered, she wasn't sure whether to be relieved that he looked resigned now, though still annoyed, "Here" Was all he said. He did seem to linger, and she gave him a sharp nod, which he gave her back, and then he turned with too much grace for someone so angry and was gone.

A small sigh left her lips and she found herself flopping back into her chair, tempted to reach for some of the books she hadn't gotten to. It was only the arrival of Madam Prince, glaring at her, that had her jumping to her feet, to fit in a shower before breakfast.

And so, she made her way back to Gryffindor Tower, feeling in equal measure worried and relieved for the night ahead, because perhaps Malfoy would finally give her some answers, even if they weren't what she wanted to hear.

Classes dragged on throughout the day, which for her was unusual, but it didn't take a genius to figure out why she felt that way.

Usually, she never felt classes were going too slow, she rolled her eyes when Harry and Ron suggested such a thing, she loved learning, it often felt like it was over too quickly, not the opposite.

But today was different, and she cursed Malfoy for the 20th thing that day, ruining her concentration and joy in classes.

Still, she knew enough to get through without alerting concern. Double Transfiguration was a surprise practice exam, and so it was easy for her to keep her head down, and though it wasn't her best she wasn't worried she failed. Potions followed, and thankfully today was a lecture, it was easy to take notes, though she barely focused on them.

Lunch was harder.

"You okay Hermione?" Ron asked, nudging her as they sat down to eat and she found herself reaching for soup, just willing the hour to be over.

She couldn't stop worrying about what was to come. What would he say to her? What would he tell her? What secrets was he afraid to impart? She was scared, but oh so curious, she needed to know, no matter how much she regretted knowing afterward.

Would it be a fight to get the information out of him? Would he offer it freely? She doubted it, no doubt Malfoy would make it a fight, as he always did, as he did everything.

"Fine" She said with a tight smile, but sensing more eyes on her she forced a yawn, "Just tired"

"I swear that's got to be double digits now, you falling asleep in the library" Ron teased, and she smiled, thankful that her best friends were easily fooled, whilst feeling doubly guilty for lying.

She was trying not to linger too much on how dishonest she was being with her two best friends, the two she shared everything with and they with her. She already felt bad enough, giving herself a headache with the guilt of it all, but what choice did she have?

She could just imagine telling them. Harry would be furious, demand to go to Dumbledore, or worse confront Malfoy himself. Ron would be devastated, jealous, angry but also at a loss of what to do. Ginny would be cold, but try to understand, though wouldn't get it. No, she didn't want the nightmare of trying to explain, only for the reactions she knew would be inevitable from them all.

Of course, the logical part of her knew she'd have to tell them all eventually, but she was ignoring that for now.

There was a lot she was having to ignore, compartmentalise and shut away…

Her friends finding out.

What this meant for the future

Just Malfoy

No one else

Forever

Yes, she was getting better at it, compartmentalising, she didn't have much of a choice.

And so, she just nodded at Ron's teasing, forced a laugh, missed the way Harry's eyes narrowed at her, and how his laugh was a touch forced too. Thankfully, lunch was soon over, and Double Defence was theory based today, another excuse to keep her head down and take notes.

Yet, it all still dragged.

Her eyes flickered to the clock; she swore the day was going slower. Had she accidently smashed a time turner? It feels like everything is going in slow motion.

"Miss Granger" Her focus is torn from clock watching as she flickers her gaze to Professor Snape, glaring at her from the front of the classroom. "Care to join us?" His voice is hard, and she feels her cheeks heating, she knows he's caught her not paying attention, a rarity for her. She feels a stirring of resentment, other students check out and get ignored, she spends one lousy day clock watching and gets scolded.

"Sorry Sir" She says, her gaze flicking around the room, everyone is watching, Hermione Granger doesn't get told off.

Her gaze flickers to him, for just a hint, but he is the only one not looking. He does meet her gaze though as soon as she glances at him.

She has to smother down the gasp as their eyes meet.

She's not even sure why she almost gasped to look at him, she'll blame the bond, as she does everything else.

It's the way he makes her feel, sensations, and emotions she's never felt before. Some are good, some are bad, she hates all of them.

She's just thankful the pain hasn't come back yet. Throughout the day her fuzziness and feeling of floating has settled to just feeling good, healthy, well rested, no pain. She hopes it will stay that way but knows it won't.

"Pay attention Miss Granger" He sneers, "10 points from Gryffindor"

She doesn't rise to the bait, just nods, her cheeks still a little pink. She looks around again, her gaze meets his again, no gasp this time, but her eyes linger, on him, on his glow.

She goes back to clock watching.

Double Defence drags, and so does Herbology, a single session thankfully, and then dinner comes. She is quiet again, but thankfully the hustle and bustle of eating and discussing how Qudditch tryouts would go meant everyone was distracted enough to ignore her as she pushed her food around her plate.

She tries not to look over at the Slytherin table, she really does, but she fails a few minutes in.

His back is to her, but she can see him visibly tense as she looks over, she drops her gaze swiftly then.

"Everything alright Hermione?" Harry asks her then, and she realises he's looking at her, Ron, Ginny and Dean continue to debate Quidditch, but he's detached and is looking at her with a mixture of concern and as though he's spoiling for something.

"Fine" She says with a weak smile, "Tired" God she's always been a terrible liar, but she holds her best friends gaze and that is enough for him to offer her a strained smile before he re-joins the conversation about tryouts.

If it didn't give her away, she would let out a sigh of relief.

Dinner continues on, she forces down some soup and bread, and keeps her gaze determinedly fixed on the table in front of her. She even grabs a Charms book and props it up, but she doesn't read any of it, not a single word.

She only glances up when she see's someone get up at the Slytherin table, she does that three times before it's him, the golden glow making it clear its Malfoy moving on, as well as his shocking blonde hair. He heads for the doors and doesn't glance back, not once.

He does pause for a second at the doors, but again he doesn't look back and soon moves on, shaking his friends off. She can see through the open doors he heads for the stairs.

"Library" She offers as she stands and tucks her book away. She is quick, Harry has a question on his mouth and she just hurries past, "Will catch up later" Is all she says, she knows this will cause suspicion, but she's been waiting for this all day, she needs to go, for now she's not worried about appearances, she'll worry about that later.

She doesn't look back either, only forwards.

Her climb up the stairs is quick; she even risks a jump that will save her five minutes as the staircase moves. She feels restless, like someone has injected her with an invigorating potion, like she needs to be in the library now, like every second not getting answers is a second wasted.

She arrives quickly and does give herself a minute to calm down. She straightens her tie, smooths down her skirt, readjusts her bag and takes a deep breath.

Answers lie beyond the library doors, answers she may have to pry from Malfoy, but answers all the same. Answers for what's happened to her, to them, to what it means. Answers, that's what she needs, what she wants.

And so, she steps through the library doors prepared to get them.

sooo thoughts?

ahh cliffhanger I know but the next chapter is going to be a bigggggg one! I've already started writing it and ooof, that's all I'll say OOOF

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