authorsnote: it's update timeeee

I so enjoyed writing this, so much angst! I loveee it, I hope you do too and let me know what you thought!

also shameless plug here, I have a new WIP, a 7th year diversion of the horcrux hunt with heavy dramione slow burn, feel free to check it out! it's called: Three Becomes Four, and you'll find it on my page!

anywho, more importantly read on and enjoy!

songrecs: take me to church - hozier

The library is quiet.

This early into the year few people seek out her sanctuary, with its dusty tomes, its squishy chairs, its lack of light. Few people go right to the back, her spot, where she's undisturbed, comfortable, alone.

Though not now.

No, the night before she hadn't been alone, and she remembers, she remembers acutely. It all flashes before her eyes, and she wishes in a way she could make it stop…

Her hand locked with his.

His thumb brushing on her skin.

Her body curled towards him.

His face, for once calm.

It's the best nights sleep she's ever had. Either because of the absence of pain, a relief from the agony of whatever the soul-bond was doing to them, or because of how it had made her feel near euphoric. She isn't sure, but even now, after a full day barely near him, she no longer feels like she's floating, nor bubbling, but she feels strong, rested, good. There is a niggle of tiredness but easily ignored.

She wonders how long it will last.

Either way, she needs to know, she needs answers, and here she'll get them, in the spot in the library usually reserved for her, where, as she rounds the corner, she finds him.

Malfoy.

She thinks about the soul-bond, tying them together, forcing them to one another, and thinks about how honestly, she wishes it could have been anyone else, anyone, and she means that literally.

Not only does she despise Malfoy for being a bully, a tyrant, a racist, but it's behaviour since she's known too, his refusal to answer questions, his mood swings, his stubbornness, it makes her want to scream at him, to shake him until he listens.

With anyone else she was sure it would have been easier, anyone. Anyone would have made this easier than Malfoy has. She doesn't think it's possible to make this harder.

She pauses just before she turns to her little nook, easily concealed. She can see a shimmer through the bookcase, knows Malfoy's already there but she needs a second, just a second before she does this, before she goes in. She almost feels as though she's about to dive off a cliff, or perhaps plunge into the Black Lake – no turning back, there will be no unknowing or forgetting this, here she will learn what her future means, and there will be no going back.

She just needs a second, maybe a minute to compose herself, run her hands over her skirt, tuck her hair behind her ears, take a breath, just a minute.

He doesn't even give her that.

"I can hear you Granger" His voice is a lazy drawl, and she hates that it holds some appeal to her, she can't remember ever feeling that way about it before. Malfoy is attractive yes, she's not blind, but his malice had always made him ugly to her, ever since the bond, with his glow … she doesn't feel the same, and hates herself for it.

'You're fraternising with the enemy' Ron had once spat out in jealous anger. He'd be right if he said it now.

He knows she's here now, and she forces herself to take one last breath, before emerging from her hiding place, to see him, in her chair, looking far too at ease, that maddening golden glow clinging to him, his eyebrow raised, calm, casual, infuriating.

"I'm here" She near winced, not sure why she pronounced herself. Malfoy thankfully just rolled his eyes and nodded to the seat opposite him for her to sit down. She nodded back, took out the chair and sat down, he sat opposite, eyes grey but with flickers of gold now, looking at her, she could see the boredom there, the annoyance, alongside something else she couldn't quite place.

Minutes ticked by in silence, as though neither of them wanted to break it. She wanted Malfoy to speak up, but as he looked at her, ever bored she knew he was going to make her do it. Bastard. Just as she'd thought, he had to make everything 10x as hard.

She hated him for it.

"Malfoy…" She began, but he held up a hand, and then glanced down at his watch. She could see it was nice, expensive, stars around the centre. Still, what she focused on was his hand up cutting her off and she spluttered in outrage.

"42 seconds" He said, arrogant as always, "You couldn't even wait a full minute to demand answers" He said with a scoff, obviously intent on mocking her.

Anger boiled in her and in seconds she was on her feet, glaring hatefully at him. Again, she wished it could have been anyone, anyone else. God, Blaise Zabini, Theo Nott, Zacharias Smith, Cormac McClaggan. Any would have been better than Malfoy, any.

"I'm leaving" Did she want answers? Of course, she did, but she would not be mocked or humiliated in pursuit of them. She was furious, and her hands were shaking, magic sparking at her fingertips. For once in her life the knowledge she sought was not worth it, not for Malfoy. "Screw your answers" Bad language was rare for her but if anyone deserved to have it hurled at him it was Malfoy.

A low whistle left his lips as she turned to leave and she couldn't resist whipping back around to glare at him. God she hated him.

Yet, what she hated more was the appealing golden glow that clung to him, the handsomeness of his face, the face she very much wanted to punch but also found undeniably attractive. Her head felt so messed up, and she blamed him, blaming everything on Malfoy was easier.

Fucking soul bond, she didn't' care if he hadn't chosen it (which evidently he hadn't), she still hated him and blamed him for it.

"What?" She sneered, in a good imitation of his usually foul expression. She wasn't sure why she'd gotten so angry so quickly. Yes, Malfoy was usually a nightmare and this wasn't the first time they'd been furious with each other but she was sure she'd never felt this angry.

He knew how to push her buttons, it was one of his talents, and she knew he loved it.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist Granger" He sneered back, and if anyone would have looked at him they would have seen identical expressions, "Sit back down"

"Fuck you" She didn't stumble on the foul language which she was proud of. "You don't have to make it this hard you know" She says, and she realises a hint of sadness has entered her tone, anger mixed with melancholy. Great, she doesn't want to show vulnerability in front of Malfoy.

Thankfully he seems to take her words to heart, or perhaps he just isn't in a mood to argue, and so other than a roll of his eyes he holds a hand out, indicating for her to sit down, "Christ Granger you don't have to take everything to heart, just sit down, and I'll explain, isn't that what you want?"

He seems tired she notes, and she can't imagine it's because of the bond. Yes, as the day has worn on she's felt a bit tired, more depleted, but after their night asleep at this very table she feels better than she has in weeks, rejuvenated, even as it fades.

It's only his eyes flicking to her, and she can sense the hint of vulnerability she's holding, she's not sure how she sees it, but she does, and that is the only thing that has her sliding into the seat, pressing her hands into her lap to stop them shaking. Her anger is rapidly fading into nervousness.

Answers, here they come.

"Go on" He nods, and she raises an eyebrow, "I'm not going to bother explaining everything, you'll no doubt interrupt every two seconds, so ask and I will answer"

She bristles but decides to drop it. Her burst of anger has quelled a little and so she just follows what he's said, she does want answers, and he seems to have toned down the insufferableness … a bit at least.

"What is this?" She has a list of questions in her head a foot long, and she intends to ask all of them, perhaps Malfoy's method is better, not that she'll ever admit that to him.

"A soul bond, it means our souls are now tethered to one another, as though a string connects them" He sounded almost bored, but she knew he was just focusing on the facts, as she often did.

Huh, she didn't like the idea that her and Malfoy were in anyway alike.

"And what effects will that or does that have?" She fired back immediately and was even a touch pleased to see Malfoy unconcerned by that, he could keep up with her, but then she had already known that.

"Well you know about the issue with being away from each other" He paused then, "It will get better the more time we spend together, and the closer we are" She could hear him gritting his teeth but thankfully he didn't stop, "It will get worse the further apart we are and the more time we spend apart"

She knew her expression definitely matched his then, both of them twisting their lips in annoyance. Neither wanted to spend more time with the other than necessary.

He paused then and she waited, but the pause continued. She could tell there was something else he needed to get out and she nodded, waiting, "Go on" She said, hoping to encourage, though he just glared but did speak.

"Apparently over time we will begin to want to be near one another" He said gritting his teeth again. She knew her eyebrows flew into her hairline… the idea of ever wanting to intentionally be near Malfoy, except to not feel as ill as she had yesterday, it was unthinkable.

"I know" He said, almost sympathising again. His moods were always so strange they gave her whiplash. One minute he was mocking her, sneering at her, yelling at her, the next he was offering some type of sympathy. It was confusing, and she tried not to linger on them, as she knew it would only hurt her head more.

"What else?" She asked, feeling the need to keep asking. For now she didn't really want to process anything he was telling her, just get the answers for now, ring every bit of information out of him. She'd process it all later, alone, behind the safety of her sheets, where Malfoy couldn't see her panic nor cry.

She didn't imagine he'd be any nicer even if she were in tears.

"I take wolfsbane" He said, and she could see him shudder, perhaps just remembering the taste, the taste that was famed for being disgusting, "So my transformations aren't that bad, but you'll feel them" He said, gritting his teeth again, he seemed to look annoyed, and worried in a sense (which confused her), as he spoke next, "You'll feel what I feel, if I transform, or if I don't"

"Doesn't taking wolfsbane stop you from transforming?" She asked, eyebrows knitting together, leaning forward a little, hands twining together now, an intellectual curiosity taking her over. Werewolves were studied little, not making the best subjects, on accounts of their lack of desire to be studied.

"Not every time" He said with a shake of his head, factual again, like her, "Most of the time yes, but some months it's not enough, those months are the worst"

"Where do you go?" She hated the twinge of sympathy she felt, imagining him transform. She'd said it once and would say it again; Malfoy didn't deserve her sympathy.

"The Shrieking Shack" He said, "Dumbledores permission" She nodded then.

"Like Professor Lupin" She noted.

"Yes" He glared then, and she knew he didn't like the comparison, "One half breed to another"

"Don't say that" She glared at him then, and she could see him smirk. Of course, he didn't like the comparison she bought up, so he found a way to get a dig back at her.

She had noticed that with Malfoy. He always had to 'win' in a sense. Never could he let an insult go unchallenged, never could he not fire something back. It reminded her again of herself, how she always had to have the last word in an argument, how she rarely apologised even when she knew she was wrong.

She found she was finding far too many parallels between her and Malfoy tonight. Was that the soul-bond? Or had they been there before?

Hermione found she didn't want to analyse that one too closely, and so went back to her questioning.

"What will I feel when you transform?" She asked.

"The anxiety, the fear, the pain" She was surprised Malfoy was admitting so freely to being scared, and it must have shown on her face, her surprise.

"I turn into a monster every month Granger" He sneered, "Of course I fear it"

For once she didn't retort, only felt that twinge of pity again, which she forced herself to push aside. She didn't linger on the effects Malfoy felt, knowing she would too. No, process later, ask now. She was getting answers, and Malfoy seemed fine to give them, she wouldn't waste this time by trying to process it all now, which would likely leave her worried and panicky. No, that could come later, when she was alone.

"You said we couldn't ever be with anyone else" He nodded, and she felt a horrible writhing in her stomach, for her this was the worst, "Explain further"

He rolled his eyes then, "Not much more to cover" He said with a shrug of his shoulders. She could tell he'd accepted it no more than she had, but knew it was inevitable. She wasn't quite there yet, the idea of it, of being able to be with no one but Malfoy … it made her want to vomit, "We can't ever marry anyone else, have children" He shrugged, and she felt a slight hope in her stomach, that didn't cover anything.

And yet, her hope had clearly shown on her face, and Malfoy laughed, he actually laughed, "No luck Granger, it means no sex either, no kissing, or hand holding, or whatever you and Weasley do" He said, sneering again, eyes full of humour, and something else, something close to jealousy if she hadn't known better, she didn't flatter herself that anyone had ever been jealous of her, perhaps bar her intelligence, "Nothing"

"What happens?" She asked, stubborn, again unable to stand the idea. She even breezed past the cracks about Ron, answers were more important now, "If I try?"

"Agony" He said simply, again he shrugged his shoulders, clearly he'd experienced it, there was no other way he'd be so sure, "Unbridled agony"

"How do you know?" She asked, even though she already knew the answer to that.

He raised an eyebrow then, smirked, and she despised the flutter in her stomach as he smirked, lacing his hands together atop the table, more sure of himself now, "I tried it, went to Pansy's one day and alas, before my hand was even…"

"Stop" She held up a hand then and he laughed again to which she glared. The jealousy she'd thought she'd seen in his eyes apparently cut both ways. Just hearing about Parkinson, who she despised regardless had caused something in her to clench, something she didn't want to think about, but had forced her to make him stop talking.

Process later, that was all that was screaming in her head, as she forced more words out.

"How long does this last?" She asked, "The bond?" She knew the answer, of course she did, she wasn't stupid, and as Malfoy looked at her with something close to pity, she knew he was aware that she wasn't asking to know, but because she had to.

She needed him to say it.

"You already know that Granger" He said, his voice softer than she could have thought possible, and for a moment they were almost in concert with one another, venom and anger and fury gone, in seconds. Sneering stopped, her jealousy tamed, his nasty smirk slipped off his face. Just a pity for one another, one they welcomed, not rejected.

What had they said the other day?

Ruined?

Ruined indeed.

"Is there a way to break it?" She whispered then, for she didn't need to ask further, Malfoy was right, she did know, but this she didn't.

Hope curled up in her, her last bit of hope, but again Malfoy looked at her with such pity, something she didn't think he was capable of, that the hope curled and died before it could reach her heart. She knew the answer before he spoke it, perhaps had before she'd asked.

"You know that too" He said, and she somehow found herself nodding, before tears did bite at her eyes. Part of her wanted to run away, the other wanted to take Malfoy's hand, as the rejuvenated, amazing feeling she'd had all day, died just as the hope did, leaving a pit in her stomach, her hands shaking, her eyes wide.

A rabbit caught in the headlights, holding the answers she shouldn't have wanted.

Malfoy had said it hadn't he? 'You don't want to know' Perhaps he'd been right.

"Fuck" She whispered, and Malfoy nodded, in sympathy with her for once, and that alone scared her.

Ruined.

Damned.

Fucked.

Take your pick.

sooo thoughts?

one looooong scene today, I felt it needed a chapter alone to do it justice.

I am loving the angst, and be warned it's only going to get worse! yes this is firmly dramione slow burn, but it ain't gunna be an easy ride for our couple, as where would be the fun in that?

as always do review, fav/follow for updates!

speak soon