authorsnote: update timeeee
damn this is angst city, I do love it! I hope you do to, and tell me, d'you like the angst? want more, or more fluff? lemme know!
I do hope you enjoy, our poor bby girl hermione is a mess, show her some love 3
as always do follow/fav for updates, reviews are hugely appreciated and enjoy!
songrecs: dominoes - lorde
He doesn't linger in the library.
No, once Granger falls quiet, he stands himself up and steps away. Part of him, the fucking half-breed part wants to stay, wants to hold her hand and pull her onto his lap, kiss her hair, bask in their bond, and pull her close. He wants to chase away her worries, make sure she's okay, and above all – protect her. The instinct to do so is near crippling.
Of course, he doesn't do that, won't do that. His instincts don't rule him, not yet anyway. He won't let them.
Instead, he says only a few words, "I'll leave you to process Granger" He wants to put a sneer behind them, maybe say something cutting like he normally would be he can't, for once, he just can't.
Apparently, this awful bond not only means he can't, won't, ever hurt her, but it also has put a limit on insults, everyone he's thrown since knowing has cut at him like barbs, and he can't bear to do it again, not now, not here.
She looks so worried, so lost and everything inside of him is screaming to comfort her, protect her. It has been for the past day. Every instinct, every part of him would rip the world apart instead of seeing her sad, but again he is not ruled by instinct. He won't be. He can't be.
It's Granger for fuck's sake, he can't pull her into a hug and stroke her hair like he wants to. He despises her, not just because of her blood (and who is he to judge now - half breed), but because of her, irritating, annoying, self-righteous, bull headed. He can't stand her, has never been able to. He was sure if she were a pureblood, he'd still loathe her, grating as she is.
He doesn't want to be around her, he doesn't want to protect her, and yet the most fucked up thing is that he does.
He wants to be near her, he wants to protect her and look out for her. He wants to so badly and yet the thought of it makes him recoil.
He thought being a werewolf was fucked up, but apparently that had just been the tip of it. Fucking wonderful.
But no, he forces himself away, out of the library and into the corridor. He doesn't go back to the common room, his hands twitch with an urge to turn around and pull Granger into his arms and so instead he transfigures his clothes and heads out onto the grounds. He's never been sporty beyond Quidditch before but his body itches to do something.
It itches to be with Granger, and that's not happening. And so, he forces himself out into the cold, and decides ten laps of the lake should do it.
And then he remembers Granger's scent, the feel of her hand in his and his lips on her knuckles.
Make it twenty.
The next morning, she regrets the lack of sleep, but had barely managed to get off to sleep before tossing and turning for hours.
Her mind had been too full to sleep, the thoughts ricocheting around her brain over and over, like her head was full of smoke, or perhaps smoke alarms. It just wouldn't shut up, and though that's normal for her, last night it had been particular agonising into the early hours of the morning.
"Well, you know about the issue with being away from each other"
"It will get better the more time we spend together, and the closer we are"
"It will get worse the further apart we are and the more time we spend apart"
"Apparently over time we will begin to want to be near one another"
"We can't ever marry anyone else, have children"
Those had been the answers to questions, playing in her brain, but not as much as the last words they had spoken, which had been on a constant loop.
"How long does this last?" "The bond?"
"You already know that Granger"
"Is there a way to break it?"
"You know that too"
She had wanted answers and she had certainly got them.
Not once before now has she ever regretted knowing the answer to a question, has never regretted getting knowledge, having her queries answered. Never.
First time for everything she supposes.
No way to break the bond, it lasted forever and prevented them from ever being with anyone else, prevented even anything as nice as a kiss with someone else. The very thought made her want to do a mixture of throwing up and sobbing.
After Malfoy had left, she'd ran back to the dormitory, hurrying upstairs, ignoring everyone, straight into bed, curtains drawn, silencing charm thrown up, ready to sob, ready to scream, ready to be inconsolable, rage filled and devastated for hours on end.
And yet tears had never come, she had just lain there, numb.
The other 6th year girls had come to bed, evening had turned to night, dawn had peeked over the horizon, and she had just lain there, numb, before managing just a few hours sleep, her body so exhausted it had forced her into sleep, her mind never stopping.
"How long does this last?" "The bond?"
"You already know that Granger"
"Is there a way to break it?"
"You know that too"
Over, and over, and over.
And so, when she wakes, she's still half asleep in body, her mind feels foggy but the second she's conscious the words play again, over and over and over.
"How long does this last?" "The bond?"
"You already know that Granger"
"Is there a way to break it?"
"You know that too"
It's only as she turns to get out of bed are the words chased away as she feels pain lance through her body. Oh no.
It's not quite as awful as the first time, the night spent holding Malfoy's hand clearly coming in handy. but it still feels bad. Her stomach aches, head hurts, muscles cramp, but she doesn't know how much she can put down to exhaustion, rather than the bond being mad (though it's not an entity, she can't help but think of it like that, as it punishes her, hurts her), at their lack of closeness.
How long as it been? A day since they had physical contact? And she already feels crappy, not as bad as the first time, but certainly not 100%.
She should be freaking out, this isn't sustainable, and yet she still feels numb as she readies herself, glances at the clock – 7am, she has plenty of time before classes. She feels numb in the shower, hitting the heat up to the highest setting, and yet as her skin blushes pink she barely feels it, just stands under the pour.
"How long does this last?" "The bond?"
"You already know that Granger"
"Is there a way to break it?"
"You know that too"
She eventually towels off, dries her hair with a wave of her wand, uncaring it's a frizzy mess, and instead just drags a brush through it, throws on her clothes and heads down to breakfast. She's not remotely hungry but she knows part of her feeling terrible is due to a lack of sleep and food, perhaps forcing down some tea and toast will perk her up.
She doubts it, but she has to try. She needs to know what is the bond, and what is just her exhaustion and lack of energy. She needs to know, though her usual scientific curiosity is certainly absent this morning.
It's just the idea of it, as she hurries down to the Great Hall, the idea that this bond, this thing has forced her into a life she doesn't want.
Why?
The question hadn't even occurred to her yet, instead she'd been wallowing, but now as she plonks herself down, butters some toast and makes herself a very strong tea, she thinks.
Why?
Why has this bond latched onto her? Her and Malfoy despise one another, she knows he hates her, has hardly been pining for her. Why has it forged between them?
Why her?
Why her? Another question to ask Malfoy.
Her lips twist, and she feels a flood of cold rush through her, for once, she wants no more answers, not yet at least.
"You alright Hermione?" Ron asks, as her and Harry sit next to her, she attempts a smile for Harry still looks guilty, she feels bad but mourning her parents is the easiest cover, too easy to say anything to assuage either of their worries this time. She needs a cover for why she seems so out of it, and her parents make for an easy scapegoat.
She feels a little sick then, her parents … she's barely thought of them, her entire mind has been consumed with Malfoy, with this bond. She hadn't thought of the fact she was practically an orphan, wouldn't be going home at Christmas nor summer. Hadn't thought about not seeing her Mothers smile or hearing her Fathers laugh. Orphan. She was alone.
Only she wasn't, she would never be able to be alone properly again.
Her stomach cramped, and she felt a horrible piercing pain in her head, as though her body was emphasising that fact, no alone time for her. She didn't know how to feel, she didn't want to be alone, but she didn't want to have to seek out Malfoy.
Her head felt like a mess, messier than she could remember, it made her want to scream, or cry, or both. Her thoughts were so disordered, made no sense, contradicting and messing with each other. Her headache grew.
And yet, her mind still felt a little numb, perhaps her brain was protecting her? Trying to keep out the horrible torrent of emotion that would hit her and hit her hard. Yes, the only pain she felt now was physical, or was it? She didn't know, her head so fucked up, it made her want to cry.
She wondered if she would cry, she should, she couldn't.
Once she forced down her food, she glanced to the Slytherin table, Malfoy was there, back straight, too straight, that golden glow just a tad dulled, she knew he was hurting too, and yet the idea of seeking him out made her want to be sick, not now, she couldn't. He didn't look her way, but she knew he could tell she was looking.
Whatever, she can't.
She needed some time, to sort her brain out, order her thoughts, stop her feeling so messy. Even as her head ached, she didn't care, right now her need to have a clear mind, to not feel this persistent numbness, to feel okay mentally, that outweighed the need to chase away the burgeoning aches and pains.
For now.
By the time she made it to her second class of the day, Defence, she was eating her words.
She was shivering again, even as Harry had handed her his jumper she was still trembling, her hands clenched into fists under the desk to stop them shaking. The chapter they're reading before starting on spell work is practically forgotten, unable to focus at all on the words on the page, her usual neuroticism at class work completely pushed aside.
She glanced over at Malfoy, also looking a touch worse for wear but not as bad as her. It somehow felt like it had come on quicker than last time, ramping up faster too. What did it mean? She had no idea, but she couldn't be near Malfoy, not now. She needed to be alone, to process, to try and understand.
Her head ached as Snape called them to their feet, 'wands out' and her stomach rolled with dread as she turned opposite Ron, she'd never felt less up for spell work.
"Now cast non-verbally" Snape called out, and she knew today she didn't stand a chance, her mind far too scattered to focus on non-verbal casting.
It was all contradictory, she didn't want to be near Malfoy, but she knew she needed to be, she couldn't stand the thought of seeking him out but already felt rubbish and she knew it would only get worse.
Her antidote was also her poison, things had never been less fair.
She was also trying to ignore that they'd need to come up with some kind of ongoing solution. She couldn't stand the thought of it, not now. Again, the words bounced through her head.
"How long does this last?" "The bond?"
"You already know that Granger"
"Is there a way to break it?"
"You know that too"
No, right now she didn't want to be near him, but her thoughts from breakfast that she wouldn't go to him … they were being tested.
The classroom was silent, and she tried to focus her mind, to cast, but she just couldn't. She felt so tired, and her mind was not willing to co-operate on something so intensive. Instead, she simply held up her wand, as though trying, when she knew she was as likely to cast a non-verbal spell now as she was to turn into an animagus.
"Miss Granger?" Professor Snape drawled, and she gripped her wand tighter, to show she was trying, she wasn't, she couldn't, not now. She knew it was bad when she couldn't even summon the energy to be mad at Malfoy for ruining her concentration. Instead, she just screwed up her face a little, when she wasn't even casting the spell in her mind, unable to even conjure up something to pretend.
Two minutes passed and she saw Professor Snape sneer at her, "Not quite as gifted as we think" He mocked, and she flinched, she'd never been able to handle criticism, never would likely, but it wasn't as bad as usual, mind foggy as it was.
And yet her mind wasn't foggy as someone spoke, in fact, it cleared remarkably quickly, in quick and sharp focus. Her eyes followed suit, snapping across the room, widening, her mouth near drifting open in shock. She knew the rest of the class felt the same way, the silence sudden and deadly.
"Don't talk to her like that" The words were filled with fury right from Malfoy's lips, and as soon as he spoke, he looked as surprised as she did. Her eyes were like saucers she knew, and when his gaze caught hers, he looked aghast as her, hell Snape even looked shocked rather than angry.
What was the bond doing this time?
What was Malfoy doing?
Her hands shook, as something close to warmth chased through her. It wasn't quite like touching but everything eased a touch, her headache, her stomach pain, her exhaustion, it all just took a step back, and her gaze was locked to Malfoy, even as Ron and Harry were staring at her in shock, she couldn't force her gaze away, she even took a step toward him, almost by instinct.
She found she didn't want to turn her gaze away, nor step back, as the warmth bloomed through her.
What was this?
She didn't get a chance to ask, as with an almost terrified look Malfoy fled from the room, running straight out, the entire classroom still at a standstill, shocked.
Her desire to follow him screamed at her, her entire body urging her forward, she even took another step, and yet, she couldn't, she knew she couldn't, this was suspicious enough, if she followed … no.
'Follow him' The words screamed in her head, she wasn't sure where they came from, but it took everything in her not to listen to them, everything.
And yet, everything felt a little easier, as Snape snapped at the class to get back to it, as she turned to partner with Neville, even as Harry and Ron looked at her worried, confused, her head ached a little less, and she managed the tiniest of smiles somehow.
She still wasn't herself, head heavy, hands shaking, mind a touch numb still, to the truth
"How long does this last?" "The bond?"
"You already know that Granger"
"Is there a way to break it?"
"You know that too"
But it was easier, better somehow, it got her through, something in her soothed, though she wasn't even sure what.
But it got her through, got her through to the end of the lesson, and suspicion be damned, the words screamed again, 'Follow him', and more powerful than before, she had no choice, and even if she had, she wouldn't be doing anything different, she was up on her feet.
The second Snape dismissed them, even as he seemed to motion to her, she ignored it, shrugged off Harry and Ron before they could get to her and hurried out, through the door, down the corridor, ignoring the shocked stares. 'Follow him, find him' It spoke, and she would, she needed to, to find him, to find Malfoy.
damnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
so thoughts?
poor hermione! protective draco! what is going on?
I do hope you enjoyed, the bond is going wild lol, but remember there is more to it all than the bond, thats all I'll say ...
I've had some ppl asking about harry/rons presence in the story, it will be more present! and I've already got a ship in mind for harry (a rare pair! can you guess?), and so that will be happening, my bby boys will be a big part of the story, but draco/hermione are our stars!
as always do review, I appreciate them! follow/fav for updates
speak soon