authorsnote: woo woo, update time!
loving this story already but damn its emotional! I do hope you enjoy, we got lots of sad harry this chapter!
as always do leave a review, follow for updates and most importantly, enjoy!
songrecs: no tears left to cry - ariana grande
disclaimer: I do not known any of jk rowlings works.
In the days following Dumbledore's death everything seemed to change.
More students were pulled out of Hogwarts than he could remember, the teachers hurried from corridor to corridor everything more urgent than before. Lessons were suspended, exams cancelled and even Hermione didn't complain.
There was a heavy sense of defeat in the air. Dumbledore was gone, he had known that after he'd ran back to the Castle, as soon as he'd known Snape was gone, he'd forced himself to his feet, feeling both exhausted and wide awake and had stumbled to the base of the Astronomy Tower.
"Where are you going Potter?" He was in no mood to be mocked or contended with now and ignored his childhood enemy in favour of hurrying back to the Castle.
"Leave me alone Malfoy" He'd said through his teeth, single minded, he had to get to Dumbledore, to make sure he was okay, he had to be okay, didn't he?
"Aren't we supposed to be best friends now?" Malfoy sneered, and Harry could hear him rolling his eyes, that ugly sneer on his mouth, "Isn't that what the old coot ordered?"
In an instant he had turned around, wand up, Malfoy was fast with his shield charm but Harry just a touch faster, still the expelliarmus only threw him back, and then he was back on his feet, all mocking humour gone from his expression.
"He's gone Potter" He spat out, wand up and yet Harry was surprised when he didn't retaliate with a curse, "Dead"
"You're wrong" He roared, eyes wide, hands shaking with fury.
Everything seemed to go red and if Harry had not forced himself to turn away, to run back to the Castle he was sure he'd have maimed Malfoy there and then. Instead, he'd forced himself away, and back to the Castle, managing to wrestle his temper under control, his concern for Dumbledore for the moment more serious than his hatred for Malfoy.
Just.
And so, he'd turned away, not noticing Malfoy's sneer of disdain, he was sprinting back to the Castle, to the Astronomy Tower.
To Dumbledore, who needed him.
And of course, he hadn't known at that point that Dumbledore didn't need him, would never need him again. He was already gone.
The days that followed were hard, harder than Harry could remember most being. It was similar to when Sirius had died, and yet worse in some ways, better than others. He didn't feel the loss as he had with Sirius, deep in his heart, making him want to scream, no it was heavier, weighing on his shoulders and he had never felt less safe.
Dumbledore gone, what was left?
He was alone, alone to face Voldemort, alone to face his mortal enemy, the most powerful wizard who had ever lived, bar Dumbledore himself of course.
And yet Dumbledore was gone.
Gone.
He didn't know how to handle it; he didn't know how to even believe. Dumbledore, the constant Dumbledore gone.
It felt like magic had left Hogwarts, it felt like for the first time any blanket of protection was gone. He had never felt so utterly and completely vulnerable.
Dumbledore. Gone.
What could possibly come next?
The funeral.
The funeral was hard.
Hermione sobbing next to him, Ron trying to offer her some comfort whilst crying himself, Ginny fierce faced but with tears trickling down her face. He didn't cry, he couldn't cry, though he did feel them rolling down his cheeks, it didn't feel like crying, he felt numb.
It felt as though this was a moment suspended in time, hovering before everything came crashing down, came crashing to reality. Like this very hour was flying somewhere, waiting, paused, a moment they could never get back before it would smash down to earth.
Dumbledore was gone.
He was alone.
Alone.
Dumbledore was his mentor, his guide, what is he supposed to do without him? What can he do? The lessons, the history, the encouragement, none of it feels like enough now, the time they'd had, it wasn't enough. He feels like they needed years longer, more lessons, more time to understand, to learn, to grow. Less than a year he'd had, not enough, not enough.
He feels so lost.
He tries to organise them in his head, organise the mission, as the officiate drones on and on, Hagrid's trumpet like tears coming from the back, his own mind full of clouds as he forces himself to focus. Perhaps his Occlumency is finally working.
Harry flinches as he thinks of Occlumency, of Snape, but he sweeps that aside. Dumbledore had been right about Occlumency, how important it is, and he finds it coming to him easily, settling over his mind like a protective shield, weak but there. Perhaps Dumbledore would be proud, though he'll never get to ask him, he hopes he is.
The mission, he needs to focus on the mission. He knows the horcruxes are the priority, they must be found and destroyed to stop Voldemort. He must find them, he knows it has to be him and so, he organises them in his head;
The Diary - gone
The Ring - gone
The Locket
The Cup
Something of Ravenclaw or Gryffindors
The Snake, Nagini
6, 2 down, 4 to go, to find and destroy.
It sounds impossible, it feels impossible, but he knows it's what he must do. This is his mission, his task, Dumbledore's legacy to him, he knows he must be the one to do it, doesn't have a choice, not really. Though even if he did, he wouldn't refuse it. He knows what he must do.
'Neither can live whilst the other survives'
He tries to organise his thoughts again, focusing his mind. He knows he won't be coming back to Hogwarts next year, he can't. He glances at Ginny and feels they awful ache in his heart, he knows he won't be able to carry things on with her. The snatches of happiness he had with her will have to be enough.
And then he glances back at the Castle and his lips twist in annoyance.
Malfoy.
He didn't come to the funeral. Hiding in the Room of Requirement, the very room in which he let through the Death Eaters. Harry isn't surprised at the lack of respect, but it only doubles the animosity he feels for his childhood rival, as if there wasn't enough already, years of hatred, of being at odds, of disdain and disgust.
But then he remembers what Dumbledore had made him promise, right before … right before he'd made him flee, right before…
'Keep Draco Malfoy with you, keep him by your side, he will be more valuable to you than you realise'
'You must, must stay together, the trio will become four, promise me, promise me now, this is vital"
'Promise me'
And he had, hadn't he? And a promise to Dumbledore was one you didn't break, especially now.
Still, the very idea of it, of being near not just his childhood enemy, but the man who'd let the Death Eaters into Hogwarts, who'd allowed them to desecrate his home, it near made him shake with rage. How could he forget that?
He couldn't. He couldn't forget, he couldn't forgive, and so how was he supposed to work with him?
That thought played over and over in his mind, again and again, but then immediately after came Dumbledore's words, his promise. He couldn't stand the thought of working with Malfoy, of letting him into the trio, but breaking a promise to Dumbledore? That was worse, that he couldn't bear.
"And now we commit his body…" The official continued his droning, and Harry's mind ran over the same points. The mission he was now committed too, leaving everyone behind, and then Malfoy, the promise he'd made. It was all such a mess, a mess he'd inherited, alone.
He follows the others as the funeral ends, as people linger, as many are crying. He is wordless as he goes to stand, but then there's Ginny, and her sweet-smelling hair, her fierce expression, and the end of something he only got to enjoy for too short a time.
Not fair. None of it is.
But then he should have learned a long time ago, had perhaps and forgotten it; life isn't fair.
"I've got things to do alone now" He says, stammering, but he knows it's the truth. Alone. That's his future. Ginny's, he imagines is open, there's so many possibilities, but not his, now all he can see is Voldemort, nothing else.
'Neither can live whilst the other survives'
"I knew you wouldn't be happy unless you were hunting Voldemort, maybe that's why I like you so much" She says, tough as always, and Harry can't bear to hear this, to be part of the breakup he instigated, to feel the pain he's causing. And so, things are ended with Ginny as swiftly as they'd started, and his heart aches even a little more as they part.
He turns away, away from the funeral, the whispering, the eyes on him as they always are. He barely processes his conversation with Scrimgeour, as he approaches him, he's not even surprised at the disrespect. Still, he remembers, as the Minister turns away in disgust, he remembers his parting line,
"I see you are…"
"Dumbledore's man through and through" Harry said, "That's right"
He was, even now Dumbledore was gone, especially now he was gone, that was not going to change.
He turns then, Ron and Hermione hurrying to join him, turns and sets himself under a tree, away from the sun, it's a beautiful day, the weather conspiring to send Dumbledore off, he'd smile if everything didn't hurt so much. He remembered when they'd sat under this tree before, in happier times.
"What did Scrimgeour want?" Hermione whispered.
"Same as he wanted at Christmas" Harry shrugged, "Wanted me to give him inside information on Dumbledore" He paused then, "Be the Ministry's new poster boy"
Ron seemed to struggle with himself for a moment, then he said loudly to Hermione "Look, let me go back and hit Percy"
"No" She said firmly, grabbing his arm.
"It'll make me feel better!"
Harry laughed, then Hermione and Ron too, though soon their laughter faded, and Hermione's smile died further as she looked up at the Castle, and Harry felt the heavy weight on his chest, a constant presence since Dumbledore had gone, he felt it double.
"I can't bear the idea that we might never come back" She said softly, and Harry, even with the decision he'd made agreed, Hogwarts was his home, his first home, and the idea of leaving it behind was agony, "How can Hogwarts close?"
"Maybe it won't" said Ron, usually the optimist of the three, "We're not in any more danger here than we are at home, are we? Everywheres the same now. I'd even say Hogwarts is safer, there are more wizards inside to defend the place. What, d'you reckon Harry?"
Ron had perfectly summed up Harry's dread in one sentence: Everywheres the same now. It was like a lance in the stomach, but he didn't hesitate to answer.
He'd known the answer ever since he'd seen Dumbledore's body. The weight on his shoulders reminding him.
"I'm not coming back even if it does re-open"
"I thought you'd say that" Hermione said sadly, and he near smiled, of course Hermione had worked it out, probably before he had, "But what will you do?"
He explained, even though he didn't have a concrete plan, he knew he had to go back to the Dursley's one last time, knew he wanted to go to Godric's Hollow, and then … he knew, no, he understood now, it would be time to hunt the horcruxes, one by one, until they were all gone.
"We'll be there Harry" said Ron, once he finished explaining, hands screwed into fists, imaging tracking them down, coming across Snape, finishing Voldemort once and for all. His hands shook a little bit with fear, but the fierceness in his heart more than made up for it.
"What?" He asked then, snapping back to reality.
"At your aunt and uncle's house" said Ron, "And then we'll go with you, wherever you're going"
"No" He shook his head, he knew Dumbledore had spoken about the trio becoming four, and how he had to honour his promise, but for this? He hadn't even considered it. He couldn't put them in danger, not like this.
"You said to us once before" Hermione spoke quietly, and both she and Ron looked so sure of what they were saying it warmed him, for the first time since he'd found his mentor dead at the bottom of the Astronomy Tower, "That there was time to turn back if he wanted to. We've had time, haven't we?"
The emotion chasing up in his throat threatened to choke him, but he managed a nod.
"We're with you whatever happens" Ron said, "But, mate, you're going to have to come round my mum and dad's house before we do anything else, even Godric's Hollow"
"Why?" He couldn't see what would be more important.
"Bill and Fleur's wedding, remember?"
He hadn't remembered, so consumed in the pain of everything he hadn't even considered the one hopeful, happy thing among it, and so he didn't argue. The idea that anything as normal as a wedding could still exist seemed incredible and yet wonderful.
"Yeah, we shouldn't miss that" More nods, and he wished the conversation could end there, with them all feeling just a touch more hopeful, a wedding and then to the horcrux hunt, to Godric's Hollow, he wished it were as simple as that.
But it couldn't be, for he knew what Dumbledore had meant now,
'Three must become four'
Dumbledore had known Ron and Hermione would come with him, had known they wouldn't take no for an answer, they were there with him until the end, and so, he had known there would be three, and that is why he had insisted they must become four.
It was only his trust in Dumbledore that had him following it, that had him speak, even when he wished he didn't have to.
He looked at Hermione first, guilt riddling him – how could he ask her to put up with this? It would be bad enough for him and Ron.
'Keep Draco Malfoy with you, keep him by your side, he will be more valuable to you than you realise'
'You must, must stay together, the trio will become four, promise me, promise me now, this is vital"
'Promise me'
Only because Dumbledore had asked, only because of that.
"There's more" He said, and their attention was to him immediately, a leader, he realised with a surge of something close to pride, panic and reassurance all rolled into one, "Dumbledore, before he…" He couldn't say the words, pushed past them, "He made me promise something, someone in a way"
His eyes met Ron's first, who looked nervous, and then Hermione's, who looked resigned, as she always knew what he was about to say, "It's not going to just be the three of us"
Three becomes four, but only because Dumbledore had decreed it, only because he had asked.
'Promise me'
He had, and he couldn't break it, not now, even with him gone. Such a promise which led him to leading his best friends, the two people who had stood by his side through everything, trusted him completely, leading them to the Room of Requirement, and the man who would join their mission.
He didn't want to, and yet as he paced the door three times and led them inside, he knew he had to.
'Promise me'
For Dumbledore.
soo thoughts?
damnnnnn this was emotional to right. my precious bby boy harry 3 pov's will diversify I promise, especially going forward! ahh so hype to write more of this, I'm already typing away on the next chapter.
many of you will notice I borrowed some chunks direct from the books here, specifically half blood prince. this will happen infrequently but it will happen, hence my lil disclaimer at the start. I don't want to rip across large chunks but sometimes the og is faaaaaar better than anything I can write, but again this will be infrequent.
I do hope you enjoyed! do review and lemme know if you did, follow for updates too!
speak soon