It's alive! Although a shorter one this time. Still, I hope you like it.
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BAKAS&BEHOLDERS
Soon to be purchased by the Disney Company.
VII
You Should (Not) Check for Traps
"Guten Tag, everyone!"
So said a cheerful Kyoko Sohryu Zeppelin as she walked into the room, still wearing her white labcoat.
It had been decided that, instead of calling her every time Asuka's character unsheathed her new sword, it would be much easier to just have her on the table with them. Everyone greeted the scientist with a chorus of 'Good afternoon, Doctor Sohryu.' All, except Asuka:
"Hallo, mom."
"Hallo, Schätzen!"
"Good afternoon, Miss Sohryu," Shinji smiled.
At those words, Kyoko's happy demeanor vanished. Half-frowning and half-pouting, and putting her fists on her hips –another thing Asuka had inherited from her, apparently–; she stomped her way to the head of the table and stared down at the Dungeon Master.
"Shinji! I've told you many times already: you have to call me 'Auntie Kyoko!'"
And forth came the snickers from the players. Shinji's best friends didn't even bother to pretend that they weren't having a blast at his expense. This was especially true for Asuka, because she knew it could soon be her turn to be embarrassed by her mother. Better to enjoy her boyfriend's awkward blush while it lasted.
"Um… alright," Shinji said, sinking in his chair. "Good afternoon… Auntie Kyoko."
"Much better!"
Her mood changed back, in an instant. Sporting a huge and friendly grin, she sat right next to Shinji. Since she wasn't technically going to play, she would be allowed to peek at the Dungeon Master's notes.
"So," Kyoko said. "What's the adventure about?"
All eyes turned to look at Rei. She took a deep breath.
"The chief paladin of a city built upon the carcasses of nautiloid ships wants us to recover a stolen brain canister which contains the brain of a mindflayer. After listening to the testimony of a dwarf gardener with a very creative vocabulary, we arrived at a valley littered with petrified hill giants. We suspect that the thief might be hiding in a cave, but first we had to defeat two red slaadi in order to acquire luminous magic water, because we forgot to buy torches before leaving the city. Also, our steed is an abnormally large rust monster."
"Wonderful!" Kyoko clapped as she bounced on her seat. "Such a creative setting! It reminds me of the games I used to direct back in the day."
She sighed, for a moment lost in happier memories, drinking from the nostalgia of a simpler, more pleasant time.
"My players' characters died so many times…"
Thomas led on as they descended into the bowels of the earth. His right hand, raised above his head, clutched the small bottle filled with luminous water. Kenneth marched right by his side, using his enhanced werewolf senses to detect any suspicious smell or noise.
Only the scent of mud and the echoes of their steps, for now.
Just as Lilith had predicted, small will-o-wisps soon flocked closer. They shooed the living lights away, ignoring their obvious attempts to guide the whole party into a ravine. On the plus side, that was the only obstacle they found for a while. No enemies or beasts jumped from the darkness, thirsty for their blood. In terms of space, the cavern was spacious, and they needn't worry about hitting their heads on the ceiling. There were barely any stalagmites they could crash into, or stalactites that could poke one of their eyes out by accident.
Soon, a sudden change in the scenery halted the party's advance. They reached a point where the walls and ceiling lost all irregularities, becoming smooth, flat surfaces decorated with faded hieroglyphs. Arches and columns supported the new structure. Old weapons, most likely unusable, were embedded into the walls. Swords, axes, spears, shields… Perhaps mementos of adventurers who had failed their quests in that place? Maybe graves honoring the warriors who had lived there centuries ago? Regardless, the evidence could not be denied. They were no longer in a cave carved by the whims of wild nature, but in a man-made corridor.
"A dungeon," Emma said.
"Roll Perception, everyone," Shinji commanded. He noticed that Kensuke was about to raise his hand, and added: "Yes, you have advantage because werewolf."
The dice were thrown.
Kennet sniffed the moist and foul air.
"I smell iron among the stone," he declared, pointing at the ground in front of them.
Thomas passed the flask of luminous water to Baltika, and then he knelt. With the utmost care, he extended an arm and ran his fingers cross the tiles that made the floor, barely touching them.
"Yeah," the rogue said. "There is a pressure plaque here, and quite a large one. Let me take care of it."
He grabbed one of his many lockpicks.
"Um..." Toji weighed the twenty-sided die in his hand. "How do I do this?"
"To disarm traps, do a normal Dexterity roll," Shinji explained.
"Alright, let's see… Shit! A two!"
"Oh, dear; that's too low of a result…" the Dungeon Master sighed while looking at his notes. "I'm afraid you accidentally activate the trap. Roll Acrobatics, everyone."
Only Rei succeeded.
Long tendrils of arcane energy burst out of the walls, grabbing the adventurers, pulling, dragging them until the party was immobilized against those same walls. Lilith was the only one to avoid that fate, saved by her elven reflexes.
Alas, before she could even think of helping her friends, one of the embedded weapons, near the far end of the corridor, freed itself from the stone. It was a gray sword, floating a couple of feet above the ground and hacking at the air, as if wielded by an invisible hand. Then, a deep voice rumbled:
"Intruders! You are not welcome here. Leave now and your lives shall be spared."
"We cannot leave until our quest is complete," Lilith replied, defiant.
"This shall be the only warning! Leave this place, or face the first of the guardians!"
Lilith recognized it as a magically-recorded message. There was no point in talking to the voice. She stood there, not taking her red eyes away from the flying weapon.
"So be it! Those who have escaped the tendrils will be the first to be sliced to death! Then, the trapped ones will see their necks cut open!"
The sword began to spin in the air.
"Are you sure you want to do this, Rei?"
"Affirmative."
Shinji shrugged.
"Roll Initiative, then."
And so she did. By the mercy of the dice, Rei rolled higher, and thus was allowed to act first.
"I would like to cast Dire Radiance," she said. After a nod from the Dungeon Master, she rolled the dice again. "Success. Oh, and max damage. That is most pleasant."
Lilith raised her arms and spoke in a language not intended for mortals, as her eyes turned purple and tentacles of darkness sprouted from her shadow. A hole opened in the ceiling, right above the living blade.
No. The hole was not in the ceiling, but rather, in the very fabric of reality, as if the tapestry of space itself was being ripped open. The rest of the party gazed into the rift. Some wanted to gasp, but it got stuck in her throats when they saw that sky of flesh with pulsating veins, and those masses of flesh floating among clouds of colors never imagined, and the moon of chitin bleeding over a forest of many-eyed trees, and…
A column of pale light came forth through that window between realities. It struck the living sword, trapping it into a small, burning maelstrom. The immobilized adventurers held their breath and locked their eyes onto the blade, hoping that their companion's magic would be enough to destroy it.
But it didn't. The light receded and the dimensional rift closed, and yet the weapon still remained. The handle was cracked, the edge blackened. The pointy end had melted a bit; but it had not been defeated. It still spun in the air, drawing closer to Lilith. Her companions yelled at her to be careful, to retreat, to find any sort of protection against the blade as it advanced.
Then, the rift opened again.
"What?" Hikari asked. "What's going on?"
Seeing that she was receiving confused looks from the other players, Rei answered:
"Dire Radiance is a two-part spell. When it is cast, it causes 1d6-plus-my-Charisma-modifier points of damage. Then, when the target moves closer to me in its next turn, it receives an extra 1d6-plus-my-Charisma-modifier points of damage," she rolled the dice. "Oh, look at that. Max damage again."
One more time, the column of light came down from that unspeakable realm. The radiance and the heat ate away at the blade's steel, cracking it and melting it. The weapon bled liquid metal which fell to the floor, forming a bubbling puddle.
With a final snap, the sword shattered in many tiny pieces. The light ceased. The rift closed, and it wouldn't open again.
The table remained in silence for a few seconds, many mouths agape. Kyoko was the first to start clapping, followed by Asuka, then Shinji, and then everyone else. Rei sunk a bit into her chair. Her cheeks gained color, but a tiny smile appearing on her lips.
"T-thanks… It was nothing…"
"Awwww," Asuka said, nudging her. "You even sound like your brother."
"Hey! I don't stutter anymore! … M-most of the time…"
The tendrils of light disappeared as soon as the living blade was destroyed, releasing the adventurers. Not only that, but a door slid open at the far end of the corridor. The party continued, for although they knew that some intelligence, alive or undead, didn't want them there; that knowledge only increased their resolve.
At the other side of the door they found a circular room. Much like the previous corridor, it was decorated by hieroglyphs, which attracted Lilith's attention. The party discovered that the bottle of luminous water was no longer necessary, for there were several braziers on the walls, and their fire provided enough illumination.
Smokeless fire, they noticed.
"I check for traps again," Toji said, rolling his dice. "11. Is that enough?"
"It is," Shinji smiled. "You find a trap right at your feet. What do you want to do?"
"I'm disarming it, of course!" Toji rolled again. "Come on, come on… Yes! 19!"
"You successfully disarm the trap, which turns out to be one with poisoned arrows. Good job."
The jock grinned from ear to ear. The other players clapped, including Asuka, even if she was a bit less enthusiastic about it.
"However," Shinji added, mimicking his father's classic pose, "that 11 wasn't enough to detect the trap that's immediately after the one you just disarmed. You step on it, and it activates."
"Oh, come on!"
Thomas' face turned white when he heard that clicking noise right under his boot. The room's door slide close behind the party, and the fires of the braziers grew in intensity. They roared and crackled, still not releasing a single puff of smoke. They extended like burning snakes and crossed the air until they met at the center, where the converged into a single column of flames.
A large hand emerged from the fire. The fingers were adorned by many rings of gold and bronze, most of them crowned with rubies. An arm followed, thick like a column. Its skin was red, dark, the color of dried blood or cooling lava. Then a bulky torso appeared, and then another arm, and finally, a head. No legs, though. Instead, all that existed below the waist were flames, burning and thriving despite the lack of wood or coal.
The apparition had no hair, just a fireball contained by five small horns which resembled a crown. Above its aquiline nose, two eye sockets were filled with orange light. It crossed its arms over its chest, looked down at the adventurers and smiled, showing two rows of yellow, sharp teeth.
"A demon?" Baltika asked, adopting a defensive stance.
"An efreeti," Lilith explained. "A genie from the Elemental Plane of Fire."
The adventurers drew their weapons, ready to fight the monster. Emma unsheathed her new sword, which promptly felt the need to comment:
"So, this is your first quest, and you already have a magic weapon? Bah. Back in my days, adventurers had to work hard! They didn't get any magic swords until their tenth quest, at minimum!"
Emma rolled her eyes and huffed, doing her best to ignore those words and the fact that the efreeti had just chuckled at them.
"Also, when are you and Shinji going to give me grandkids?"
"Oh mein Gott, mom, we're SIXTEEN!"
Asuka, her face reddening, hunched and covered her head with her hands. The other players tried very hard not to snicker. She probably wouldn't do anything to them with her mother present –keyword being probably–; but they didn't want to take any chances.
Rei was the only one who didn't find it funny. In fact, she remained very serious as she leaned closer to Asuka and asked:
"I too am interested in knowing when you will provide me with nephews and/or nieces."
"Ugh, not you too, Wondergirl…"
Behind the Dungeon Master's screen, Shinji, whose face was as red as his girlfriend's; coughed a couple of times, to attract everyone's attention.
"Please, Miss K–Auntie Kyoko; refrain from doing real-life commentary when voicing the magic sword."
"Alright, alright," the woman said, munching on a chip. She didn't hide her impish smile.
A sword, a hammer, a crossbow, two claws and a hand sparking with eldritch energy aimed at the efreeti. However, the elemental being just laughed.
"Do not waste your time, mortals," he said. His voice was deep like the grumbling of a volcano about to erupt. "You aren't strong enough to defeat me, and I'm not allowed to hurt you."
The adventurers kept their stance for a few seconds. Only when no attack came did they believe the genie's words, and relaxed a bit. Just a bit.
"What do you mean, 'not allowed?'" Lilith asked.
The efreeti's brow furrowed, and a tiny but audible snarl left his lips.
"By the spell binding me to this place and plane, I can't. At least, not before giving you a… fair warning." He pronounced those two last words as if they were dung in his mouth. He even spat a minuscule ball of fire, leaving a burnt mark on the floor.
He floated closer to them.
"So, here's your fair warning: Leave now, or I will send you to meet your gods."
None of the adventurers flinched at the threat, nor showed any doubt. Baltika held the efreeti's burning glare and returned one of her own.
"Who or what summoned you?" she asked.
"The spell forbids me from revealing his name. I can only say that he is a powerful wizard, and these ruins are his home, which he jealously protects. Even if you manage to get through me, more traps and guardians await you behind those doors. And even if you survive all of those, I have no doubt that my summoner could obliterate you all with a single spell, as much as it irks me to recognize his might. So, once again and for the last time, leave."
"Now hold on a moment!" Emma said, stepping forward and waving her sword at the efreeti. "So you admit–"
"You know, I don't want to be racist to your dwarf friend or anything; but back in my day, only humans could be paladins."
Sporting an embarrassed and somewhat angry blush, Emma quickly put the blade back into its sheath. She cleared her throat before speaking again:
"As I was saying; so you admit that there is a way for us to get past you!"
"Indeed," the genie nodded. "If you solve my riddle, my magic bindings command me to let you advance to the next room, safe and sound."
"What?" Toji interrupted. "That doesn't make any sense! If that wizard dude is so adamant on protecting his home, why would he ever give us that option? Why doesn't he have his fire dude burn us on sight?"
"Come on, monkey," Asuka huffed. "Where's your suspension of disbelief?"
"I don't know what that is, but just in case: no, you."
Emma looked back at her companions, receiving nods of approval. She faced the efreeti, her hands on her hips and a smirk on her lips.
"Tell us your riddle, child of the Plane of Fire."
The efreeti chuckled, expelling small clouds of cinder through his nostrils. He once again showed his yellow teeth, his mouth twisted into a predatory grin.
"Very well," he said. "Here it is: 'No-legs lay on one-leg, two legs sat near on three legs, four legs got some.'"
The adventurers' resolve faltered a little. Looks of confusion were exchanged, heads were scratched and lips were bitten. The party huddled together, sharing murmurs, cursing their luck and whispering whatever little ideas they had about what the answer could be.
The efreeti laughed, attracting their attention.
"Make haste, mortals. I didn't say you had all the time in the world."
He snapped his fingers, and a circle of fire erupted from the very floor, close to the walls. The flames were so tall that they almost reached the ceiling, hiding the sight of the hieroglyphs. The only thing louder than their crackling was the red genie's laughter.
"As the seconds pass, this ring will shrink further and further, until nothing remains of you but ashes and charbroiled bones. What are you waiting for? The sands of your time are slipping away, interlopers! Solve the riddle!"
To be continued…
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AUTHOR'S NOTES
Can you recognize the efreeti's riddle?
I'm not sure that I've described Dire Radiance correctly, but I thought it would make for a cool visual. As always, if there are any inaccuracies, we'll assume that Shinji is using some weird house rules.
It is true that, in older editions, only humans could become paladins. In fact, the "special power" of humans was that they could access to all the classes, while elves, dwarves and halflings had restrictions. This is no longer the case, so now you can play as an elf paladin, a dwarf sorcerer, a minotaur ninja… If your DM allows it, you can play it.
I would like to give special thanks to TheOneAndOnlyErik, who blackmailed me with adorable kitten gifs to get off my ass and write a new chapter. Also, thanks to the amazing people at the Asushin Discord for their constant support, and to all of you for following, favoriting and/or reviewing.
See you on the next chapter!
But first…
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OMAKE: Nerv Explains Alignments – Part 1: Good Alignments
The lights turn on, revealing a theatre. The stage is hidden behind red curtains. A person, one man, walks to the center of the stage and addresses us.
"Good evening," he says. "Or perhaps is it morning for you? Ah, it doesn't matter. I am YourBlandestNightmare, and I'm here to talk about the Alignment system in Dungeons&Dragons."
Above the scenario, a large screen which had remained hidden lights up, showing the word 'Alignments' in all caps.
"In short, it's a system of morality that defines the behavior and standards –or lack of thereof–, of a character. There are nine possible alignments, born from the different combinations between Law, Chaos, Good, Evil and Neutrality. It's also a surprisingly divisive subject among the fanbase. Controversial, even. Some think that it's an oversimplification of morality, and that it hurts narrative and characterization. Others say that it makes sense in a world where good and evil are tangible forces, rather than just ideas. Some don't take it too seriously, while others take it so seriously that it can lead to arguing at the table." YBN shrugs. "Personally, I think it's a neat concept. Now, I could easily stand here and offer a detailed description of each alignment; but I believe it will be best understood with examples. So, I have enlisted the help of the good folks at Nerv Japan to put together a little show for you. Today, we tackle the tree Good alignments. Enjoy."
YBN walks away, and a new message appears in the screen:
LAWFUL GOOD
The curtains open, revealing what appears to be an enclosed artificial habitat. There is a pond, some large rocks and a cave that's not too deep. Everything is behind a thick glass, and encased between three, gray walls and a ceiling of the same color. A penguin with green eyes and red eyebrows waddles around inside the habitat, looking forlorn. Stuck to the glass, a sign reads 'Experiment P-34N. Termination scheduled for…' the data is illegible.
Soon, Hikari walks in, her pigtail braids bouncing with each step. She turns and smiles at us.
"Hello! My name is Hikari Horaki, and as the class representative, I'm Lawful Good. I'd love for all of us to be friends and help each other!" she frowns, all of the sudden, and waves a finger at us. "But you better behave and respect the rules! They're there for a reason, and they make our lives safer!"
Her mood swings back, and she shrugs as a new smile adorns her face.
"But, if you think the rules are unfair; don't hesitate to talk with me! I'm sure we'll be able to reach an understanding."
Hikari approaches the glass and crouches, looking at Pen-pen. He responds by waddling closer, waving his flippers and warking happily.
"I want to save him, because it's the right thing to do," she explains. "However, I don't want to break the rules. So, I'm going to talk with Miss Akagi. I'll try to convince her to let me officially adopt Pen-pen." She addressed him. "Just wait here, little one. I'll come back soon."
Waving goodbye to the penguin, Hikari stands up and leaves the scene. The curtains close, and the text on the screen changes:
NEUTRAL GOOD
The curtains open, and we see the same set-up from before. This time, Shinji is the one who enters the scene, wearing his school uniform. He addresses us with a bow.
"My name is Shinji Ikari, and I am Neutral Good. I just try to help the people around me the best I can. I'm not against the law, but I don't think it's as important as being a nice person."
He turns around and uses his pilot ID card to open a door near the edge of the glass, one that had remained unseen until now. He enters the habitat and Pen-pen pretty much jumps into his arms. Shinji comes out and talks to us once again.
"I'm going to take him out of here. I'm not particularly happy about breaking the rules, but it's the right thing to do. I will apologize later."
He exits the stage along with his new animal friend, the curtains close and the screen displays a new message:
CHAOTIC GOOD
The curtains open, and for a third time we see the artificial habitat. Pen-pen is back inside. He looks around for a while, as if waiting for someone else to enter the stage, and is visibly confused when nobody comes. He shrugs the best a penguin can do, and sits on a rock.
Just in time for a blue Renault Alpine to crash into the habitat through one of the walls.
As the startled Pen-pen falls off the rock, flapping his flippers and warking in panic; Misato steps out of the car. Her clothes are messy, as is her hair, and our attention focuses on the bottle of beer in her hand. Not empty. Yet.
"Hi…" she says, having trouble standing on her feet. "I'm drunk Misato Katshuragi and I'm Chaotc… I'm Chatch… Chaott... I'm Chimichanga Good. Yeah, that's it. And Idon't give a shit about laws and shtuff… Nerv is corrupt anyway, so who caresh?"
Finishing the beer in a few gulps, she drops the bottle, waddles towards Pen-pen and pulls him into a very sloppy hug.
"Imma get you out of here. And… and then!" she raises a finger. "Then we'll take down this shtupid organishation! For the goods of man–hic–kind!"
She waddles back to the car, or at least she tries to. Her whole body wobbles back and forth, left and right, threatening to fall at any moment. Not that Misato particularly cares about it.
"We'll make shure that asshole Gendo pays for hish crimes!" she says, fist raised and penguin in arm. "And then –hic– and then we'll adopt his son, cuz that bastard doeshn't deserve Shunji! And then we'll bring Asuka tolive with us, and they'll be adorable together!"
She eventually returns to her car and sits on the driver's seat, but alas, the alcohol is mightier than her willpower, and she falls asleep. Shrugging again, Pen-pen pulls a blanket from the backseats and snuggles comfortably with his new, beer-loving friend.
The curtain closes, and YourBlandestNightmare returns to the center of the stage. We can still hear Misato's snores.
"That's all for today, friends," he says. "Join us next time, when we'll explore the Neutral alignments."