Yaz couldn't sleep.
She'd tried turning on the special screen the Doctor had installed in her bedroom ceiling onboard the TARDIS, the one she'd programmed to lazily scroll through endless pictures of stars and galaxies all over the universe. Usually watching that calmed her mind and lulled her to sleep even after an extremely stressful day, but not always. And when that didn't work, there was only one thing that did: a chat with the Doctor.
Yaz sat up and looked around her dim bedroom. It was exactly as she'd left it ten months earlier – though she supposed it probably hadn't been that long for the TARDIS – but it felt surreal to be back here. She'd honestly reached the point of believing she would probably never step onboard the TARDIS again, and now that she was here, spending her first night back onboard the impossible living machine, it felt bittersweet. She'd always relished the moments she got alone with the Doctor, and now she had her all to herself. But she'd miss Ryan and Graham, the men who had become like a surrogate brother and grandfather to her. Of course she'd still see them whenever she went back home to Sheffield, but it was sort of nice having fellow humans along on her adventures with the Doctor, people she could talk to about it who actually got it. Now she was the only human onboard an alien spaceship with a mind of its own that was piloted by an ancient alien who only sort of knew what she was doing. If Younger Me could see me now, she'd think I'd gone around the bend.
She and the Doctor had gone to Meringue, the restaurant, once the Doctor had finished letting herself have a good cry over all she'd missed out on by being gone too long. They'd had fun, just the two of them. Yaz had never known there could be so many flavours of meringue. They'd talked a bit while they were there. Yaz had told the Doctor how she and Graham had gotten from Earth to Ko Sharmus's camp and then through the boundary to Gallifrey, and the Doctor seemed quite impressed with the story, although she'd shuddered inexplicably when Yaz had described wearing the Cyberman suit (which she thought was one of the best parts of the story).
The Doctor had told her side of the story as well: how she hijacked a Cybership to get to Ko Sharmus, how the Master had forced her through the boundary to Gallifrey, and everything he'd shown her there about her past. Parts of the story enraged Yaz (how dare he?), but other parts just amazed her. She'd always known the Doctor was incredible, of course, but the founder of an entire species, a civilisation? Someone whose origins might be beyond this universe? The Doctor was more powerful than even she had realised, so powerful they'd had to wipe her memory in an attempt to control her. Stupid of them, really. No one could control the Doctor.
They'd skirted around the issue Yaz knew they most needed to discuss, however, and that was probably why she couldn't sleep now. Sighing, she threw off her covers and got out of bed, padding barefoot out into the hall. She usually found the Doctor puttering around the console room even when everyone else was asleep, but she could see from up here that the room was dim, the lights blue instead of yellow. The door to the Doctor's bedroom was ajar though, and Yaz could see light on the other side.
"Doctor?" she said hesitantly, knocking lightly on the door.
"Come in," the Doctor said brightly.
Yaz pushed the door open and went in. The room was toasty, a fire crackling in the arched fireplace. The Doctor was in the middle of her large bed wearing fuzzy pyjamas with rainbow stripes, a leather-bound book in her hands.
"I can't sleep," Yaz told her.
"Yeah, me neither. Just reading for now. Join me if you like." She pushed the blankets down, and Yaz climbed up onto the bed, nestling among the many soft pillows. The Doctor pulled the blankets back up, covering them both.
"I don't think I've ever seen you actually in bed before," Yaz remarked. "Usually when I can't sleep, you're still up. I was starting to wonder if you ever slept."
The Doctor shrugged. "I sort of got used to regular bedtimes in prison. They made me lie down at a certain time each night and I wasn't allowed to get up until they told me to, so I slept. It helped the time pass faster. It wasn't easy to fall asleep though. My bed was just a square stone slab with a small pillow and a very thin blanket. Not very comfy."
Yaz shuddered and scooted a little closer. "Were you cold?"
"Very." The Doctor gazed past her at the fire. "Still trying to get warm, actually."
Yaz ran her hands over the soft, warm blankets the Doctor had piled up on her bed and finally willed herself to ask the question that had been knocking around her head all day and much of yesterday as well, the question she was very much afraid to know the answer to. "How long were you there?"
The Doctor looked down. "A long time."
"Longer than ten months?"
The Doctor nodded.
Yaz swallowed. "Years?"
"Decades," the Doctor whispered, then cleared her throat. "But it's over now."
Yaz looked at her, frowning. "But you look exactly the same age as when I last saw you."
"Takes centuries for a Time Lord to really age. Usually I regenerate before I get the chance."
Yaz bit her lip, taking in what it all meant. The snap judgement she'd made when the Doctor hopped out of the TARDIS in Graham's front room looking like she'd just been off on a fun adventure with her mate Jack couldn't have been further off the mark.
"What was it like, in prison?"
The Doctor closed her book. "Well, every day was pretty much the same. The prison was fully automated, so I rarely saw the guards. Until the day Jack got me out, I didn't see anyone I could speak with. The prison was in space, so there were no real days and nights, but the lights came on when it was supposed to be morning and went back off when it was supposed to be night. Holographic signs would tell me what to do, but I pretty much had it memorized after the first day. First I had to get out of bed. Then my breakfast would arrive by teleport – all my meals were exactly the same, like a little muffin packed with calories and nutrition but a horrid taste."
"That's saying something coming from you," Yaz couldn't help commenting. She'd seen the Doctor happily snack on soil before.
"The food was like the bed: designed to make you miserable. I'd get a few minutes to eat and then they would let me out of my sleeping cell and direct me to my exercise cell, where I'd walk around in circles for hours. Saw lots of interesting aliens, but they generally kept you away from anyone you could converse with. I spoke to my neighbours, but they didn't say anything back. There was even a Pting!"
"A Pting! But I thought those couldn't be held in captivity?"
"Apparently they can with just the right kind of electrified cage. I would have loved to find out more, but there was no one to ask."
"You weren't in a cage though, were you?"
"Well when I say 'exercise cell,' I mean a cage. And there was nothing in it. I just walked around until they sent me back to my sleeping cell, which was more of an isolated room, and I ate dinner and then the lights went out, so I would lie down and talk to myself until I fell asleep."
"It sounds horrible," admitted Yaz.
"The worst part was the loneliness, missing you. I missed all three of you, so much, but most of the imaginary conversations I had in my head were with you."
"Why me?"
"Talking to you always makes me feel better. You're so thoughtful and optimistic."
Somehow, it was the compliment that did her in. Tears flooded Yaz's eyes and spilled over. "Doctor, I'm so sorry."
The Doctor looked at her in surprise. "Sorry for what?"
"I was horrible to you when you came back." She had played it over and over in her mind, both her vision of what she had thought their reunion would be like and what it had actually been like. So many times over the past ten months, she had thought she'd heard the TARDIS in everyday sounds, and she would imagine the blue box appearing, the Doctor stepping out, and herself running into her arms. She'd clung to that fantasy until the exact moment when the Doctor did step out of her TARDIS, acting as though abandoning everyone for ten months was no big deal (and worst of all, travelling with someone else), and all of Yaz's pent-up emotions had exploded in a way that surprised her as much as they surprised the Doctor. She'd felt bad immediately – the Doctor's feelings were clearly hurt, and she was devastated to learn how long she'd been gone – but once it was done, there was no way to take it back.
"Yaz, it's okay. You were emotional. I shouldn't have left you so long." The Doctor tentatively slipped an arm around Yaz and pulled her in for a hug. Yaz didn't need further prompting. She collapsed against the Doctor, burying her face against her chest to try to stem the tears that were now flowing freely.
"I can't believe I shoved you. I've never done anything so…aggressive. And to someone I… It just made me wonder if I'm any better than the domestic abusers I deal with at work."
"Yaz, look at me." The Doctor took her face in her hands and tilted her head back gently, swiping tears away with her thumbs. "You didn't hurt me. You just pushed me away from you, in a moment when you had every reason to feel hurt and angry. You're not aggressive or violent. You're the kindest, most patient, most loving person I know. But everyone has their breaking point. I've done much worse." She smiled sadly. "So what did you do while I was gone?"
Yaz heaved a sigh. "At first, I went home. I was really worried about you, but I just hoped Ko Sharmus had gotten to you in time and that you'd gotten off of Gallifrey alive, and that you'd come as soon as you could. I went back to work. I tried to live my normal life. But with each day that went by and I didn't hear the TARDIS, I got more worried that you weren't coming back, and I didn't think you'd do it on purpose. I felt like either you hadn't survived, or you had but you were trapped. I thought maybe the Master had you prisoner on Gallifrey or something, and that you might never get free unless we found a way to rescue you. So I started trying to figure out how to work the TARDIS you sent us back in, trying to calculate how we'd gotten home so I could figure out how to reverse it and get back to you."
"Oh Yaz, that would have been so dangerous. And I wouldn't have been there. Once Ko Sharmus got there and took the detonator from me, he made it clear that he was going to blow up the Cybermasters whether I was there or not. He gave me just enough time to run, so I ran. I couldn't save him, but I could save myself and get back to you. I went back to my own TARDIS and then I was going to come to you, but the Judoon got to me first."
"Well, I never got anywhere with figuring out how to work the TARDIS, but I didn't give up. It became an obsession. My family said I was too moody, so I started sleeping there in the TARDIS. It made me feel closer to you."
"I saw your sleeping bag on the floor," the Doctor said softly.
Yaz bit her lip. "Eventually I lost track of what day it was. I didn't even realize the new year had come until Graham and Ryan said something."
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I wish—"
"It wasn't your fault. I know that now." Yaz closed her eyes and pressed her face to the Doctor's chest again, her head nestling in the crook of the Doctor's neck. The Doctor wrapped her arms tightly around her, holding her like she would never let her go.
"Yeah, well, the TARDIS has this thing about taking me where I'm needed, and apparently she thought a Dalek invasion ten months out was more important than getting to you as quickly as possible. I really thought you'd all just seen me. I did my best to make myself look nice, because I looked horrid when I left the prison. They didn't put 'shower' on my schedule as often as they should have. Took half a bottle of shampoo to get all the grease out of my hair, and I know I've smelt better."
Yaz smiled a little. "You smell fine now." She really did. Coming within three feet of the Doctor in the past 24 hours had been a bit like walking into Bath and Body Works. She had clearly taken her first proper shower in decades very seriously.
"It was vain," the Doctor admitted. "I wanted you to see me looking my best, not like that."
"I get that." Yaz had let a lot of things go lately, but not her appearance. She wanted to be at her best if the Doctor did reappear. "I think the reason I got so emotional is because I was scared. I was scared because…I don't know how to live without you anymore. Ryan and Graham, they missed you, and they were worried about you, but they lived their lives because they knew it was what you would want them to do. I couldn't figure out how to do it, though. I had a life before I met you, but now…it's like you're the only thing that matters to me anymore, and then you were just gone."
The Doctor gave her a little squeeze. "I didn't know how to live without you anymore either."
"Really?"
"Yaz, I was lost without you. I had so much on my mind after everything that happened, but I couldn't even make a plan for what to do about it besides just getting out and finding you three."
"And now you've only got one of us."
"Yeah." The Doctor sighed. "But, I know the other two are where they should be. I miss them, but I feel good knowing they're in a better place from where they started, you know?"
Yaz smiled. "Yeah. I think you're right. I miss them too, but they belong together, and Ryan…it was getting harder for him to be away from his mates."
"And you?"
Yaz let out a grateful breath. "I'm where I belong right now."
"I was hoping you would feel that way." The Doctor lightly touched Yaz's curls. "It was hard, being isolated for so long. Never being touched."
"I can imagine."
"It made me think of things I could have done before, that I didn't do. Chances I didn't take. It made me realise…life is too uncertain to let things pass you by. Even if it scares you, you should do what you want while you still can."
Yaz lifted her head and looked at the Doctor. "I thought about that too."
The Doctor smiled sadly. "Well, we get a new start now, right?"
Yaz smiled back. "Right. So what were you reading?"
"It's a children's book. It tells the story of how the Time Lords came to be, or how it was told to me when I was a child. At least, the childhood I remember." The Doctor held up the book, which was written in circular Gallifreyan, the one language the TARDIS wouldn't translate.
"But now you know all of that is wrong."
"Yeah. I'm just…trying to get my thoughts together, I guess. Separating fact from fiction." She looked down at the book. "I read this to my granddaughter when she was a little girl, wanting her to know where she came from. I believed every word was true at the time."
"You have a granddaughter?"
"I did have. She left me a long time ago when she fell in love, here on Earth, but in your future. I went to visit her once, one of those times when I didn't tell you where I was going."
"So she's still alive, but in the future."
"Everyone's still alive somewhere. Well, somewhen."
Yaz hesitated. The Doctor had never wanted to talk about this before, but she was being more expansive than usual tonight. "What about the rest of your family? If you had a granddaughter, you must have had at least one child."
"I had a family of my own on Gallifrey, but by the time I ran away, Susan was all I had left." She closed her eyes. "They've taken everything from me. Even my own identity."
"Then we'll have to get it back," said Yaz. "We'll go and find out where you really came from, and what they did to you on Gallifrey. We'll find all the answers."
"I was hoping you'd say that," said the Doctor with a crooked little smile, opening her eyes again. "I'm not sure where to start, but…I'm not gonna rest until I find answers, and I want you to help me look."
"I'll be with you every step of the way." Yaz snuggled in a little closer. "So what does the book say about the Time Lords?"
"Well to start with, it says Gallifrey is at the centre of the universe and that Gallifreyans are the oldest civilisation."
"That sounds pretty fake to begin with," Yaz admitted.
"I suppose it does, but I believed it when I was a child. I never even questioned it. They drummed it into our heads. They also said that Rassilon, the first Lord High President of the Time Lords, was the founder of Time Lord society. He developed time travel. He captured the Eye of Harmony and brought it back to Gallifrey. He established our government and altered our genetic makeup, making us what we are. At least, that's what we were told."
"Rassilon sounds quite full of himself if he says he did all that."
"Well he was quite. Anyone who's ever met him knows that. But if what the Master told me is true, he's not the founder of our race. I am. I'm the last of the Time Lords, but…I'm also the first of the Time Lords."
"Do you think he was telling the truth?"
"I didn't want to believe him," said the Doctor, frowning into the distance. "But deep inside, I knew it was true. I knew the whole time. And something, somewhere in my brain, already knew I was the Timeless Child. I knew it somewhere even before he brought it up."
"The memories have to be in your mind somewhere."
"I think they are, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to access them."
"That's why we'll have to go out looking for answers," Yaz said confidently. "And we'll find them, because you need them."
The Doctor looked at her and smiled. "This is why I wanted you by my side when I went out looking. If anyone can help me get to the bottom of this, it's you."
Yaz smiled back. "I really, really missed you."
"I really missed you too." The Doctor studied her face. "Before I went to prison, I had the whole universe, but while I was there, all I wanted was you. Graham and Ryan too, but mostly you. I realised you are my universe now. I just wanted you back."
"You have me back. And I promise I'll never shove you again."
"Oh, Yaz, I know you won't." The Doctor pulled her into a big hug and held onto her. "Don't even worry about that."
Yaz closed her eyes and inhaled the Doctor's scent. "Can I just sleep in here tonight?"
"I'd like that. I'll stop talking and let you sleep."
Yaz settled in more comfortably, her head resting on the Doctor's chest. The Doctor enfolded her tightly in her arms, and Yaz felt a knot come undone somewhere inside her. She relaxed for the first time in ten months. "Good night, Doctor," she murmured.
"Good night, Yaz."
Yaz melted into the Doctor's warmth and listened to the steady sound of her two heartbeats until they lulled her right to sleep.
Thanks to Raiden for helping me make the dialogue more authentic!