Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.
Deconstruction: Rei
By Victoria G.
Part 1
My mother could feel it too, the kami in all things. She would take me to the shrine and we would talk about the colors that only we saw or the things only we felt. Red was our color for angry, blue for sad, orange for happy, green for peace. I could never tell my father about those trips, it was always the park or the store. It was our secret. He knew... I could sense it when we returned. People assume my psychic powers mean that I can hear their thoughts as if they were speaking. It isn't like that. It's like any other thought or feeling you have come into your head, a bubble, except that you know it came from someone else. Like a sense, really.
She was in a car accident when I was little. It was on her way to pick me up from the shrine. When my mother died, my father sent me to the very best schools...Catholic schools. He was convinced he could pull me from the clutches of my family's "archaic" religion. In first grade, I told the nun I didn't want to sit next to a boy because he kept thinking red things all the time. She told me to sit down and I refused until she moved me. My father was called, he was so angry at me… his illusions starting to shatter. He told me my mother and grandfather may have been willing, but he would not put up with any of these fantasies. He's a politician, by occupation and by personality. He lives in a world I neither understand or am a part of. We both knew I would never be the child he wanted, though neither of us could admit it up front. The charade ended when he came home to find that I had styled the fine American doll he had bought me to look like my mother and installed her in a homemade shrine. I told him we had been speaking all day...it was the first time I felt my mother's spirit.
He dropped me off at the shrine that night and I've lived with my Grandfather since. He couldn't take it, all he kept thinking on the ride there was that he never asked for this, that he wished my mother had listened to him, they weren't ready for a child, that she should never have taken me to that shrine, that her and my grandfather ruined me with this place, that she would still be alive if it weren't for me. Not surprisingly we don't see much of each other, even now. He paid for my schooling, but only if it was TA. I learned all the rules that come with money and status, to be a proper daughter, a proper woman. I was reserved by nature and everything I learned burned that into me. Now he sends me letters of scholarship from business schools, law schools, medical schools, admissions letters to places I never applied. It's been two years and I am totally convinced he will never give up the hope that I won't succeed in becoming a head priestess.
Over the years I learned to control my psychic abilities, I learned to shut them off and on. The other kids at school always found out one way or another though. It didn't take long to understand that I was not like them, not like anyone really, that I was the type of kid that other kids were afraid of… the strange little psychic girl who thought flowers spoke and colors felt, with her dead mother and her shrine on the hill. You learn how to use that fear to make them leave you alone. You learn how to be cruel yourself, learn the tricks and use them to your advantage. I excel at it actually. I used to imagine that my school uniform was a skin that I put on every morning, a skin of some popular girl with her doting underclassman and her distant gaze. I feel the same way about my Senshi uniform, another suit of armor.
I can picture myself in miniature, looking up at the versions of me I've created, watching them act out my life without me and the anger comes tearing through me like a scream. I think of my mother, of how alone I was after and the same anger comes rushing in. I think of my father leaning over his huge imported wood desk in his black leather chair to write another check to some admissions chairman. At this point, I wonder if anger is the only emotion I feel anymore.
As if the complications of my gifts weren't enough of a burden, I began to notice something else. It started when I saw all the other girls going boy crazy. Nothing about boys seemed to interest me, not the way it did them. It became more obvious when I started to realize men felt the exact opposite way about me. I knew it was different for me, but I didn't know why. So I cultivated my coldness until I found some guy who was totally unattainable. It worked perfectly, no one thought twice about it. It wasn't until I heard a rumor at school about two girls that I had a name for it, but when I did I was terrified. I watched them whisper in the halls as one or the other passed, the same looks that they had given my younger self. It was then I truly understood how careful I would have to be. I knew what my father would say about it and had heard enough to know how most of my Catholic high school would feel. It was the last thing I needed, a secret identity, strange powers, and that. I had kept it quiet throughout my whole school career, a secret only I knew and never shared with anyone, not even my friends.
The Senshi …we have all known each other for years now. I thought I'd done a pretty good job of being a friend without being involved. I sat a certain distance away from the others, I showed only a certain amount of interest in any chatting, I declined as many outings as possible while still being polite, I pointed out the occasional older man chasing him a bit for show. I cared for them all very deeply, but it was quiet, hidden, never too much obvious emotion. I set things up exactly as I had in school and when Uranus and Neptune appeared I was openly suspicious. I didn't want them to notice any sort of interest on my part.
Then something seemed to change in me. At our get-togethers, I found myself wondering…wanting to try and be real, and out of the blue, she started to test that. Minako is my "best" friend, we were the closest, but even her I had always kept at a distance. Now she comes out of nowhere with simple, childlike questions that I am terrified to answer.
"Rei?"
"Yes?"
"Do you know what I'm thinking?"
"What?"
"I mean…. You're psychic, right? So do you know what I'm thinking right now?"
"Don't be foolish."
It's conversations like that...I had no choice but to resort to avoidance, hoping she would leave it. It usually worked, it had always worked for me before…but with her it became less and less effective, so I moved on... began removing myself from the situation.
"Rei?"
"Yes?"
"Is that some sort of special fire?"
"What do you mean?"
"Do you see things in all fire or only that special fire?"
"It's called a sacred fire."
"You didn't answer my question."
"I have chores to do."
Nothing seemed to stop her and I was becoming more and more unnerved by the situation...scared that sooner or later I would run out of ways to avoid conversation.
Part 2
We had a night out, all of us together. Haruka and Michiru had given a concert and it was one activity I actually had some interest in attending. To keep up appearances I made it seem like they were dragging me there. I sat myself at the beginning of the row we had reserved, hoping to cut my chances of sitting next to her in half. I had rare success in avoiding her. The music was incredible, the composition, the technical skill, they were both so talented.
Watching them together on stage, I tried to force out any thoughts about my own future. I wasn't them and I could never be so open, so obvious. I closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to see and listened. When the concert ended, I tried to leave quickly. As I was waiting to get a cab, Minako suddenly appeared over my shoulder, starting a conversation as if we were already having one.
"Do you think everyone finds that kind of love?"
"What?"
"Haruka and Michiru I mean."
"Stop spying. They don't need you watching them."
"I just think it's so beautiful. Don't you?"
The only answer I gave her was the slamming of the cab door. It took me a few minutes to calm my breathing, sitting in the back of that taxi, my heart beating so loud it was all I could hear.
Part 3
I was straightening the charms and talismans in the front of the shrine while they were all leaving and she stopped on her way out….watching me for a minute.
"Rei?"
"Yes?"
"What do they look like?"
"What are you talking about?"
"The kami. You must be able to see them or feel them or something."
"Don't be foolish."
"You used that one already."
"Huh?"
"The 'don't be foolish' thing. You are gonna have to find another way to not answer me. "
"I have chores to do."
"Used that one too! Why don't you want to talk about this stuff?"
"Why are you so nosy?"
"You are going to have to do better than that Hino Rei."
"Why do you want to know?"
"Why do I want to know about what?"
"Why do you care about me being psychic or a Miko? Why all the questions?"
"I've never been friends with a psychic or a Miko before."
"So you thought I'd like to sit around and satisfy your curiosity?"
"No, I was just wondering."
"I wish you would leave me alone."
And she did, but not for very long. I had been more obviously upset by the conversation than I wanted. She'd backed me into a corner. I didn't know what to do, but I was afraid to be alone with her.
Part 4
I began to catch her watching me or smiling at me. I would not have considered that unusual, except there was something new, a kind of searching depth in her stare. I had started pretending to be annoyed by her all the time, especially in front of the others. It had been a pretty successful strategy until she showed up on my doorstep.
"Rei?"
"I thought I asked you to leave me alone."
"You did."
"So why are you here?"
"Because I don't think that's what you really want."
"Is that so?"
"Yup. I think you want to talk about all that stuff. I think you want me to hang around. We've been friends for too long, I know how you think."
She was so confident and sure of what she was saying. I couldn't get rid of that girl… she was a glutton for punishment apparently.
"I told you I don't want you here and I don't want to talk about it. Why would I say that if I wanted you wasting my time with ridiculous questions?"
She stepped right up in my face. "Because you're scared."
I laughed sarcastically, but I could feel my shell cracking around me and I was desperately trying to hold it together. She only stared at me, completely unaffected by it. I hated her at that moment, I hated her for exposing me that way, for making me show her things I didn't want to. I hated her because she saw me, she saw the frightened little me underneath it all. I hated me for being afraid in the first place. I hated that I had ever let her know me well enough to understand how I think. I wanted to get away, I wanted to run hard and fast until I could barely breathe... until my lungs and legs ached…but she was standing in front of me and I felt trapped.
She said nothing else, just left and I stood there frozen for I don't know how long. I felt the first hot tear on my cheek, and I shook my head in disgust. I walked out to the cherry trees and stood out at the edge of the grove, watching her small figure disappear down the sidewalk below. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply until I felt something like a raindrop on the top of my head. Reaching up, my fingers closed around a single petal from a cherry blossom.
Without thinking, I traced the petal down the bridge of my nose and blew it away, as my mother had when we would picnic between these trees. This was the only place I didn't have to hide from anyone or anything. I sat in the grass and imagined that my mother was here with me again, that we were sharing lunch from the small shop down the street that she always loved. I tried to remember the taste of each of her favorites and the way her hands looked as they picked up each piece. As I tried to recreate her from memory, I felt a shadow over my face and turned to see my grandfather sitting down beside me.
"You look just so much like your mother beneath these trees. Do you remember? She used to take you out here all the time, she would bring…"
"A bento box from the shop on the corner…yes, I remember…then we would all watch the people go by on the street."
"She would be so proud of you if she could see you now, a Miko. A card came from your father today."
"For my birthday?"
He nodded. My birthday was a month ago. My father had forgotten to call. The card would no doubt be stuffed with a check, his hush money as I'd come to call it and probably another letter from some Dean. My grandfather put his hand on my knee and we watched as the sun set over the city, both of us looking down on Juuban from a place out of another time. My grandfather, the shrine, and I... the three of us just barely a part things.
Part 5
We were having one of those "study sessions" again. We still called them that even though everyone was in college and we rarely had the chance anymore. This was the first time I had seen her since she showed up at the shrine. She, of course, acted as if nothing had occurred. I did my best to hide my discomfort and as usual, everyone seemed to buy it. Part of me wanted to talk to her, to let her know I didn't hate her, that the insults… they weren't personal. I regretted being mean, but she felt so dangerous to me now. As everyone else began to pack up their things, I watched her moving noticeably slower than the others. She caught me staring and locked eyes with me, slipping her comics away too carefully, too methodically. I said goodbye to the last of the others... before she had even begun to sling the pack over her shoulder. She walked over to me and we stood face to face for a silent minute, eyes boring into each other, my whole body tingling, nerves humming. Then she spoke...
"Well?"
"Well, what?"
"You don't have anything to say?"
"Should I?
Throwing up her hands, she turned on heel. As she began to stomp away, I felt an overwhelming pang of loneliness. The others were away so much now, Usa was getting ready to start her family. I wanted her to stay. Before I could stop it, a whisper came out.
"It's like warmth…"
"Huh?"
"The kami… they feel like warmth or sometimes like a breeze"
She didn't say anything. She just turned, placing her bag on the floor and sat back down, all the time with her eyes on me.
"…they don't look like anything I can name, just a glow really, different color lights… not like actual objects"
"Do you see them all the time?"
"Always."
"Because you're a priestess?"
"Because I was born that way, like my mother."
"Was she psychic too?"
"A bit, yes."
"So you CAN read my mind."
"Not in the way you think, but yes…if I wanted to."
"Are you reading it right now?"
"No."
"Wow."
"What?"
"I dunno, that's pretty amazing is all."
"I guess."
"No, it is. I better head home! But I'll see you later Rei-chan!" She ran up to me, unexpectedly planting a kiss on my cheek. The feel of someone else, anyone besides my Grandfather so close in broad daylight was alien. The sunny colored glow that always surrounded her was like electricity on my skin.
And just like that, with a suddenness that was becoming habitual, she left. I had expected her to make a big deal out of it, but she didn't. I had opened up a bit and I expected to feel panicked by it. I didn't... I felt a little relieved.
Part 6
She's been coming to help me with my chores, to ask me other questions about Shinto or my abilities. Curiosity Minako has, a sense of privacy or boundaries…no and so those questions began to stray from just the usual topics.
"How come you don't have a boyfriend?"
"What?"
"Men are always falling all over themselves for you."
"Well, men are idiots."
"Most girls would kill for that kind of attention."
"They can have it."
I found myself desperately trying to figure out what any normal girl would say in a situation like this. I hated the way she was looking at me, full of surprise and disbelief. I wouldn't look back at her, I continued with my sweeping, hoping that she wouldn't read too much into anything. I kept my mouth closed, lips tight as if it could hold my secrets in. I pictured the accusation, the laughter, the whispers. As always she knew when to stop pushing. She said nothing else, only helped me finish sweeping in silence. I thought of our conversations initially as a game. My part consisted of finding a way to divert her attention, change the topic, or end the dialogue completely. There seemed to be no goal for her besides the interaction itself and the lack of motive made me constantly suspicious. We put the brooms away together, locking the shed and sealing up the gift cart before she decided to speak again.
"So what do you do now?"
"What do you mean?"
"After all your chores are done…what do you do?"
"What do you think I do?"
"I dunno. But it's gotta be something more exciting then what I do."
"Which is?"
"Blech…eat, school work, read comics, watch TV, listen to some music...the usual stuff."
"You don't think I do those kinds of things?"
"You said you hate TV"
"Besides TV."
"I dunno, I guess I picture you doing something more worthwhile with your time."
"Such as?"
"Meditating or reading books I could never understand, stuff like that."
"I meditate in the morning mostly."
"Yeah yeah, 4 am. We're all impressed. Okay, so if I wasn't here, what would you be doing?"
Sharing this or that, joking, poking fun at herself was always so casual for her. I was jealous of the ease with which she danced through life. Spending time with her was a tug-of-war between building trust and maintaining defenses. At that the same time that I enjoyed having her around, I hated having to talk.
"Watching the sunset from the orchard."
"Can I watch it with you?"
"I guess… since you don't seem to take 'no' for an answer."
Part 7
She started coming by every once in a while, after dinner. It was almost summer. She would meet me in the spot she knew I had watched my first sunset with my mother, the place I always came. I tended to eat by the trees and began to bring a little extra with me. We were staying out there late into the night now. Minako had laid herself down on the cool grass and was staring up at the sky. Her shoes were off and her knees were bent and crossed. I was inexplicably transfixed by the wiggling toes dangling from her left foot.
"It's so beautiful."
"What is?"
"Being out here. Away from the city."
"You're not away from the city, you're in the middle of it."
"Fine. It feels like I am floating above it then."
I understood the sentiment, though I saw it from a slightly less sunny perspective….like I was drifting away…farther and farther from everything. I gazed at the darkness trying to pick a star or two from the swirl of light pollution and airplanes. I watched her as she fell asleep on the ground and I tried to picture this place as she did, a mystical temple buried in cherry trees drifting quietly and secretly above the Tokyo streets.
I didn't sleep myself, I just watched the subtle rise and fall of her stomach. The moonlight beamed down on us and the breeze changed our shapes and shadows. I thought about our future, our destiny, how things always pushed forward with or without our cooperation. The moon would always be there, bringing us the next day and we would never be allowed to go back, no matter how much we wanted to. Her voice knocked me out my thoughts.
"Rei?"
"Yes?"
"What time is it?"
"Late."
"You okay?"
"Of course I am."
"Of course."
"What does that mean?"
"Nothing. I really should head home. "
I could tell she was frustrated but I had no real idea why. It was the first time she was not completely open with me, the first time I knew there was something on her mind she didn't share…at least that I had noticed. It annoyed me, and I wondered if she was equally annoyed by my constant evasiveness.
Part 8
I found myself thinking about that night as I left the club. I envisioned her laying in the cool grass of an imaginary orchard, sailing along above me and watching the light from the signs and lampposts slithering down the wet streets below. This place, far away from everyone and everything that I knew, was another island. It was a place for me to float away. I stepped out, missing the overwhelming noise of it….the way the thump of the music filled my head and moved my body without my permission. I always came here alone, not telling anyone where I would be. Like most things that mattered to me, it was a secret. I used a different name here, I was a new person. The language of attraction was one I innately understood and I felt comfortable with it so long as I was invisible to those who knew me. The feeling of being wanted, admired sexually, the power over someone else… I let myself experiment, but I could never reciprocate that need. It felt too real, too intrusive.
I climbed into my car and noticed a piece of paper sticking out of my pocket. Pulling the scrap out, I looked at the hastily scribbled numbers beneath a name. I folded it in two and stuck it with the others in my driver's side door. As I drove, I wondered if my mother would be ashamed of me if she knew about this. I wondered if my grandfather would ever accept it. I wondered what would happen if there was more than a flirtatious night... if could allow anything more. About 15 minutes from the shrine, I heard my communicator ring. I glanced at the clock… 2:47…and then back at communicator… it was Minako. I was instantly on guard. The thought that she might discover I had been out was concerning, but I knew I had to answer. The car was probably dark enough to make the video feed look black.
"Rei?"
"What's going on?"
"I'm outside your window."
"What are you doing outside my window?"
"Let me in, okay?"
"Is something attacking us?"
"No. Just open up."
"Absolutely not."
"Why?"
"It's 2:50 in the morning. Go home."
"Please just let me in."
"I said 'no'"
"Fine. I'll find a way in myself."
I heard the click of her hanging up. Instantly a sort of angry panic set in, and I sped up, whipping my car into its usual space. I slammed the door, stomping up toward the shrine only to see her working at the screen nearest to my bedroom. I grabbed her shoulder, giving her the most intense stare I could muster.
"What do you want?"
"Wow….where were you?"
"None of your business. Why are you here?"
"You look great."
"I asked you a question."
"I… can I stay here tonight?"
"I already answered that, didn't I?"
"Rei…"
The tears started then and I felt the wrath I was about unleash die. She wrapped herself around me. I willed myself to relax and held her, wondering at the sudden turn. I had no idea what could be bothering her. We never really talked about her, I never really asked. With us so close, I could feel that her dress was slightly damp. She was quiet for a while and I only knew she was still crying by the slight tremble of her body. As usual, she broke the silence. Almost nuzzling into me, she came out with another statement that threw me.
"You smell good."
"You're clothes are wet."
"It was raining."
"How long have you been out here?"
"I dunno… two hours or something."
"Two hours?"
"You didn't answer your phone."
"I didn't take it with me."
"Where did you go?"
"Out."
"You're not going to tell me are you?"
"No. Let's go inside, okay?"
"Sure."
I quietly slipped into the house, her following my example. She took off her damp sandals and I slipped off my heels at the door. We made our way to my room and I turned on the light and instantly wished I hadn't. The damp material of the thin dress she wore clung to her body and was just shy of see-through. The color made her eyes look impossibly bright. Her hair was down loosely, wet strands sticking around her face, and her cheeks were pink from the slight chill in the air. I sighed and tried to push down my aggravation at the entire situation, she was upset after all. I rummaged around quickly to find something to cover her with and tossed her one of my sweatshirts and a less than form-fitting pair of pants. To my horror, she began to change right in front of me, pulling the material up and over her head without a thought. My processing ability was failing, so it seemed to her the perfect time to ask me inane questions.
"Did you do your make-up?"
"Huh?"
"Your makeup. It looks amazing. Did you do it?"
"Yeah, uh yes. I did."
"Oh no…I got your jacket wet."
"Yeah, hopefully I can get it dry cleaned."
"You're such a jerk."
"Excuse me?"
"How about 'don't worry about it' maybe something that would tell me you cared?"
I took off my tear-stained jacket and put it on the chair, folded neatly and turned to look at her staring at me with her arms folded. The sweats hadn't helped any. I tried to think of the right thing to say, squaring my shoulders and noticing how this tension was knotting them right up.
"Minako…I'm sorry, that was rude."
She didn't really respond, just kind of looked at me with her head turned, like she didn't quite understand. I grabbed some clothes and left to go wash up and change in the privacy of my bathroom. The world always seemed to feel a little less stable when she was there. I found myself looking at my face in the mirror for a little while. She thought I looked nice. When I came back into the room she was already laying in my bed, and I slipped in as close to the edge as I could. Trying to keep my mind off how tight my back now felt, I looked out the window. I picked out what bits of the constellations I could see, hoping she would fall asleep before me.
"I had a nightmare."
"About what?"
"Us dying. "
"I've dreamt about that too."
"You… all of you… died and I couldn't save you. I couldn't do anything."
"It was just a dream."
"I know."
Part 9
I loved summer days, how long the sun stayed out. I found myself feeling itchy with energy. I spent the hush money on a brand new pair of running shoes. The smell of them made me smile and I laced them up tightly, kicking the toes on the ground to knock my feet into place. I stretched a bit, loving the pop as the tightness released. Grabbing my iPod and throwing my hair up, I took off. It had been a while and I tried to stay relaxed as my body reacquainted itself with the feel of a brisk jog. I ran fast and steady to the rhythm pounding in my ears. My body felt like a machine... like it could go forever, like it was programmed to do this and only this. I was feeling amazing. As I turned the corner about half a mile from home, a tune started I couldn't place. The production was rocky and the instrumentation sounded a bit unpolished…then her voice came in. The demo… I had forgotten I put it on my iPod, I had forgotten about it entirely actually. She was a better singer than I would have guessed, singing a more honest song than I would have expected…it was beautiful and I found myself slowing to a walk as it continued, as if the lessening of pace would improve my hearing. I sighed as she hit a high note that felt like it cut right through me. Distracted with listening I made my way back to the shrine, the steps familiar beneath my feet. Her song ended with one line… "nothing can ever be simple." As if on cue, I saw her standing at the top of the stairs waiting for me.
"Were you running?"
"Good guess."
"Cranky. I brought you some dinner. Don't worry, I didn't make it."
"Thank you, but I need to take a shower first."
"Can I watch?"
"Ecchi."
I had to practically peel my sweat soaked clothes off my body, and I tried not to be disgusted by the slap they made as they hit the tile floor. The salt was beginning to make my face sting and the hot water, when it hit, was like heaven. I closed my eyes and just let it run down over my shoulders and back. Why would she ask that? It was clearly a joke… but still, weird. Do friends just joke like that? Is that normal? I hated it when she winked at me. I could feel my back muscles swelling with stress. This was getting ridiculous. I tried to banish any thoughts of her while I washed up, but it was a losing battle. I imagined her just outside the glass door, her eyes wide, following my every motion. God, I needed to relax. I rested my head against the cool tile of the shower, my hand tracing a path down my stomach almost without my control. My eyes clenched and I bite my bottom lip, hesitating a bit. I gave in, reluctantly admitting I wouldn't last the evening without it.
Part 10
I didn't say anything to her while we walked to the orchard. I couldn't bring myself to talk... not until we started to eat. My embarrassment and concern that she somehow knew what I had done were too great.
"This is good."
"Yeah! It's from this cute little shop down the street on the corner….What?"
"Nothing…"
"You sure?"
"I listened to your demo today."
"You did?"
"Yes, …it was good."
"You think so? I haven't sent it anywhere yet."
"What was the point of making it then?"
"Well, I want to send it out…"
"So why don't you?"
"I think I need to maybe get my head out of the clouds, maybe think about going to college fulltime and stuff."
"You hate school."
"Yeah, I know."
"Why go to all the auditions then?"
"I don't know. I do want to do it, I just feel like maybe I'm wasting my time."
"Who told you that?"
"What?"
"Not to send it out."
"…my parents."
"Have they heard it?"
"No."
A little pang of anger rose at the thought of Mina not chasing her dreams. She was usually so stubborn, I was surprised she would let anyone else's opinion hold her back, that she would give up so easily.
I'm not sure if it was the heat, but the sunset was spectacular that night. The whole world looked like a painting, just a little too bright, surreal. I could feel my mother's spirit in the gently blowing wind and let my fingers touch the ruffling blades of grass at our feet. I laid back against one of the tree trunks, trying to breathe in the aura radiating off everything.
"Do you think I could do it?"
"Do what?"
"Be a pop star."
"Not if you don't send that tape out."
"Rei."
"Well just because you chase idols, doesn't mean you'll end up one."
"Wow. Thanks."
"I meant you can't expect that it'll happen just like that."
"Jeez, nevermind, okay?"
"Don't be so sensitive. You're talented, you're attractive, you just need to actually go for it."
"You think I'm attractive?"
I rolled my eyes at her. I had debated saying it at all, wondering how she would take it. I should have known complimenting her was a bad idea. It immediately went to her head. Now she was just smirking at me.
Part 11
The thump of the bass was vibrating the bar as I leaned against it. I watched everyone on the dance floor moving and realized I was far drunker than I had intended to be. My grip on the wood felt like the only thing preventing the entire place from bouncing up and down. I knew from experience that I moved from drunk yet coherent to blackout with no noticeable between and thankfully I was still in the first category. A familiar voice suddenly intruded on my quest to hold the bar down.
"Rei?"
"Haruka? What are you doing here?"
"Shouldn't I be the one to ask you that? Little far from home aren't you?"
"I…."
"Don't look so worried, I won't tell the others if that's what you're nervous about. I wondered if that was you out on the dance floor."
"What..."
"Michi and I are visiting some friends out here."
"Oh."
"So you're one of those girls huh?"
"What?"
"That always dances by herself. Don't try and cut in, just give you space?"
"I could dance with someone else if I found someone I wanted to dance with"
"There are plenty of choices here."
"I suppose."
"Am I wrong?"
"I said if I found someone I WANTED to dance with, I would."
"Is that so? No one meeting your standards tonight? Picky picky…."
In my intoxicated state, I was finding it hard to be defensive or cutting. I was just openly annoyed instead, especially with her giving me that trademark know-it-all smirk. It was then that Michiru appeared, surprised by my presence and even more surprised to be dragged out on to the dance floor. I moved with intensity and deliberateness, slow and close but only long enough to tease. I knew I could dance, that it affected women. I could feel Haruka watching me, and I could feel myself straining to prove her wrong. I could be close to people, I wasn't cold, I wasn't too scared to open up. After a few songs, I lead a flushed Michiru off the dance floor. I stared down the tall racer as if she had challenged my very existence and took my place back at the bar. I was pretty sure none of that had anything to do with Haruka. She laughed around a smile and shook her head.
"Let me buy you a drink."
Part 12
The sun felt like a death ray burning a hole through my forehead. Being awake was unusually painful and disorienting. With some effort, I was able to sit up and realized I was in someone else's house. It must be Haruka and Michiru's. I remembered them spotting me, the conversation, the dance…poor Michiru. The last of my memories from the night before ended with downing a drink from Haruka. Who was I becoming? I was slipping so badly. I should never have let this happen, no one was supposed to ever find out. I felt like my life was falling to pieces around me. I just hoped Minako never found out about this. As I was moping, Michiru walked in with a cup of tea. I wanted to talk to her, to apologize, to tell her everything just so that the pressure in my chest would disappear.
"You're awake. How are you feeling?"
"I've felt better."
"Here, drink this."
"I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?"
"Last night…"
"Far worse things have happened to me in my life than a beautiful girl dancing with me."
"How did I end up here?"
"Well Ruka decided to have a drinking contest with you"
"I lost."
"You didn't get passed one. We drove your car back with us."
"I've embarrassed myself."
"Oh don't be embarrassed. It happens to the best of us, it can be our secret."
"I don't even use my real name."
"It was a coincidence, we were meeting friends there."
"I should go home."
"Are you ok?"
"I'm fine."
"Rei?"
"Yes?"
"If you ever needed to talk..."
"I should really be getting home."
She watched me gather my things with an expression I couldn't place but nodded. I left quietly, glad that Haruka was still asleep. As I got in my car, trying to shake a pounding headache off, I noticed my phone blinking in the center console. I had three new texts from her. We were supposed to meet for breakfast this morning. There was no way I would let her see me like this and I lied, saying I was too tired. I was mad I couldn't bring myself to talk to Michiru, but impressed with my self-restraint. Emotionally, I always seemed to be torn in two separate and opposite directions.
Part 13
I hiked up the steep hill, watching my footing, staying close to the waterfall. Minako was right behind me and I was pleasantly surprised at her ability to keep up. She had insisted on coming, brought up my bailing on her for breakfast to guilt me into to agreeing. There were hot springs close to where we were. Bathing in the spring was supposed to purify the spirit. My family had been coming here for generations and I had been coming since I was old enough to remember. My grandfather had already made the trip this year and it was my turn. I wasn't entirely comfortable with her coming, but she seemed to eat up each little bit of legend I threw out about the spring. Of course, it would be impossible for me to explain that I was also sick at the thought of her being naked in my presence.
Not many knew about this particular spot and I had never seen another person there in all the times I had been. Regardless I had insisted on leaving at 5 am... she was unexpectedly cooperative.
"It's beautiful out here."
"It's one of my favorite places."
"I can't believe it's so quiet. I just can't get over it! It's like the whole world is asleep."
"Was asleep."
"Jerk. Is that it?"
"Yes."
"The water has a smell."
"It's the minerals."
"Is it warm?"
"It's a hot spring, Mina."
"Whatever. What are we waiting for? Let's get in."
"Turn around."
"What's wrong Rei-chan? A little shy?"
"Just be quiet and turn around."
I didn't look her way once as I undressed and tried to ignore the sounds of shuffling clothing coming from behind me. I slipped in as quickly as the intense heat would allow me to, breathing in the steam rising from the water. I kept my eyes closed until I was sure she was all the way in. The bubbling heat would keep the water blessedly cloudy. I cleared my mind and focused all my attention on the energy of this place. I prayed quietly to the kami and my ancestors, letting only those thoughts run in a loop. The air on my face felt heavy and I became aware of every nerve in my body, like each cell was breathing and totally individual. The water seemed to thicken and I could feel it on my skin like a weight.
"Rei?"
"Mm?"
"Teach me to meditate?"
"Why?"
"If I'm going to hike all the way to a sacred spring, I want to do it right."
"I'm not meditating right now."
"What are you doing then?"
"Thinking."
"About what?"
"Just thinking"
"Well, what should I be thinking about when I'm here?"
"I don't know."
"Well, it would help if I knew what kind of things you're thinking. You know how to do this kind of stuff."
"What kind of stuff?"
"The spiritual kind of stuff. You're a Miko Rei-chan, it's your whole life."
"It's not my whole life."
"You get up every morning at 4 am to meditate, you live at a shrine where you're a shrine maiden and your grandfather is the priest, you talk to fire…."
"Leave it alone."
"All I mean is you're so dedicated, it must be pretty important to you."
"I said leave it alone."
"You're so difficult."
"I'm not difficult. I just don't want everyone knowing my business."
"You think I am going to run around telling strangers on the street what we talk about as soon as we get off this mountain?"
"Who knows with the way you and Usa gossip."
"Is that really what you think of me? That I'm a stupid girl who runs around gossiping to anyone that will listen? I'm not 13 anymore."
I stared at her, not really knowing what to say. I didn't want her to know that it bothered me I had offended her. I didn't even really understand why I had reacted like that.
I could feel how much she wanted to experience whatever it was she thought I felt. I was embarrassed by her eagerness and excitement... it made me feel jaded. Maybe I was. I had wanted to be a head priestess for years now, most of my life. I devoted so much time to that goal. I don't know why I was rebelling against it, trying to separate myself from it now, saying it wasn't important to me. I wanted it, but at the same time, I didn't want it to be me. I felt like it was all she could see in me, and that thought drove me crazy.
Part 14
I could guess where the dreams had come from, seeing us all die together in that last battle. She showed up in the middle of the night for the fourth time. She was incredibly upset. It was a strange experience for me, to see someone else be so fragile and trusting. I'll admit it bothered me that none of this seemed to come very naturally, that I had to think about what to do each time. I was unaccustomed to giving comfort, but I was starting to enjoy the role a bit. It made me feel more together, stronger I guess, to be the one to take her into my arms, to be silently there. The electricity I felt before with her, was warmth against my skin. I didn't say anything, just laid with her body curled into mine, head tucked under my chin and did my best to make her feel protected. I felt her turn in my arms, laying on her other side, face-to-face with me.
"I had to come over."
"It's okay."
"I was scared."
"I know."
"This one felt real and I was afraid…I…nevermind"
"No what?"
"I had to make sure you are still here. I wake up with this feeling like the inside of me fell out and this picture of you dying stuck in my head and I knew I wouldn't be able to breathe until I know you're okay. I had to come and find you."
I could see her eyes shining in the darkness, looking directly into mine. There was a twist in the pit of my stomach and as was so often the case, I didn't know what to say. Her hand was on my side, fingers grazing my skin lightly. She had scooted forward a bit, her body just brushing mine. For the first time since we started this whole thing, I wanted to kiss her. As soon as the thought crossed my mind I knew I should've sent her home, but I couldn't. I felt responsible for her, it was late, she was scared. I wasn't sure what was happening between us...I wasn't even sure anything was happening at all. I tried not to think too much about it. Part of me wondered if she knew my secret and was trying to tease it out of me. I wondered if she was capable of such a thing. She moved her head closer to mine and I lifted my chin deliberately, tucking her head beneath mine again, holding her, hoping I could keep her from seeing my face.
Part 15
Minako was all worked up about something. I saw her coming up the stairs with an unusual amount of intensity. She was wearing that blue dress I hated to see her in. The cut was perfect and it fell as if it had been tailor-made for her. Her eyes were impossible not to notice against the cornflower fabric. She shoved a letter in my face and I snatched it away, rolling my eyes. I started reading, it was a letter from a record label requesting a meeting with her. I guess Michiru had come through.
"How?"
"How what?"
"How did you do this? This is a major label!"
"I asked Michiru to listen to your demo, her agent had contacts."
"I can't believe you would do this without even telling me!"
"Someone had to do it."
"Rei..."
She threw herself on me, squeezing me unpleasantly tight. Through that thin dress, I could feel her whole body pressed against mine. I was instantly overwhelmed with embarrassment and my muscles seemed to tighten instinctively. I was noticing a pattern. Her presence resulted in three things at once: muscle stiffness, frustration, and somewhere underneath it all... an annoyingly persistent happiness.
Part 16
It was getting to the point that even in a seemingly innocent situation, I was nervous and agitated. I was laying on my bed studying and she was reading comics beside me. Whenever I thought something that I knew I shouldn't, or she said something slightly off-color, my brain always went to the same place. I would watch her and list the reasons why we would never work. She was too carefree, too much of a girly girl, too nice to people, too straight, what would our friends say? It could never be, we would hate each other and it wasn't even an issue because it wasn't anything that she had probably ever even considered. It was something I should never be considering in the first place. I shouldn't be dating anyone, I don't actually date people… I don't feel this way…and what if she… my neck and back felt like they were going to explode.
"Why do you do that?"
"What?"
"Hunch over. It's not good for your back."
"I don't need your advice on posture."
"No need to get snippy! Just looking out for your future self."
"Well don't."
"You are such a grump sometimes Rei-chan."
"Don't call me that."
"You look like you're in pain."
"I am, okay?"
"Come on. I'll give you a massage."
"No way."
"Don't be so stubborn."
"I'm not! You'll probably make it worse."
"My volleyball team used to give each other massages all the time. I promise you'll feel amazing afterward…"
I didn't even know what to do. Between the sing-song tone, the wink, and the eyebrow... I was stunned to silence. She took that as her invitation to slip in behind me. I could feel the warmth that always surrounded her before she even touched me, not just from her hands, but from her whole body. I counted in my head to relax, to resist the urge to shove her away. She ran her fingers up my neck, under my hair, and began massaging my scalp. I felt myself melt almost immediately, the sensation terrifying and wonderful at the same time. I saw sparks of color flickering underneath my eyelids and felt electric tingling in my hands each time she pulled her fingers from front to back. Minako was quiet and focused and I was thankful that I couldn't actually see her. When I was sure that my mind had turned to soup, she moved to my shoulders, descending deliberately, symmetrically along my spine. The tension released in rubber band like snaps rippling under my skin. I could feel her thumb outlining each muscle in my upper back, chasing the knots out as they flipped and popped. It hurt in a way that only seemed to make it better.
"Just relax, don't fight it. You're so tight Rei-chan."
"I said don't call me that."
"Okay, okay. Take your shirt off and lay down."
"Mina…."
"No more arguing. It's for your own good."
I obeyed with an absurd, almost trance-like immediacy, ignoring the muted alarms ringing in the mush of my brain. I didn't realize what a terrible idea it was until she straddled my lower back. I couldn't string thoughts together so I just surrendered. I had always felt very in control of my own body. I loved to exercise, loved physical activity... because I understood how my body would react, where it would move or land. It was one thing I could always predict. Meditation came easily to me, the discomfort was expected and accepted. I could make my body stay in a position through force of will.
This, however, was different. I felt as though I had become my own skin, sinking into it and seeping out of it, moved only by the touch her hands. My conscious self was floating above it all, letting my body have its way. Each sensation was amplified, the weight of her on me, the slide of her fingertips, the flexing of a muscle I would normally not even notice. I felt her catching on my bra. She gently unhooked it, using her palms to pull the straps aside. I tried to ignore the goosebumps it caused, shocked by her boldness. She used her whole body as she tracked her outstretched arms along my spine and as she reached my shoulders, I felt her chest brushing my back... her warm breath on my neck. A tight clenching tore through my lower abdomen and it was incredibly difficult to hold back the groan that seemed to bubble up from somewhere in the back of my throat. This was getting to be a little too much, but my body seemed to want it badly enough to override me. The rest of the massage became a blur. I only knew it ended when I felt her body lift off me and the bed depress as she sat cross-legged next to me.
"See? I keep my promises."
Part 17
This shrine had been built centuries ago on the mountainside. My mother had studied here as a shrine maiden, learning traditional dances for the festivals as I was now. The stones of the walkways were smooth from years and years of hosting visitors and I considered if the stones I was sitting on were ever underneath my mother's feet. I had a picture of my mother here, taken by the head priest, posing in front of the mountain at the far side of the temple. I had spent the evening trying to recreate that picture, to see if I could talk to her spirit through it.
The stars were so clear. I picked out shapes and made my own constellations, wondering if Mars was somewhere up there too. The mountains looked like jagged shadows, biting at the bottom of the bluish-black sky. Looking at something this beautiful hollowed me out, made me feel incredibly lonely. Being by myself had always been something I looked forward to and now it felt awkward and sad. This was the reason I had never wanted a best friend. I didn't like needing someone else's company, I didn't like thinking about her. I was supposed to be enjoying my solitude, my time here. Now I stared out into the darkness and tried to work out if I was looking in the direction of Juuban... if Minako was looking back in my direction from miles and miles away. I had spoken to my Grandfather today. She had been coming over every day after work or classes to help him with the chores. He was naturally elated, but I felt grateful, confused, and angry at the same time. My phone chirped, sounding completely out of place amongst muffled insect noises. It was a text from her, of course.
"Miss you."
Part 18
I looked down at my phone flashing for the fifth time. Reaching down, I shut it off completely. I wasn't really in the mood to see or talk to anyone today... even her. It was July 20th. My grandfather was unnaturally quiet on this day. He would spend most of it as he always did, praying in front of the sacred fire and making small offerings at the family altar. I was the only one who went to her grave. I had been walking there for years, finding that the exercise made me a little calmer when I actually got there. I had a few petals from a Sakura blossom I had dried in my pocket and some figs in my backpack. I placed them on the mantle of the stone when I got there... a small talisman as well. I took out her favorite incense and dropped them into the holders on either side of the headstone. I lit them and knelt in front of the marker. I thought of all of my ancestors, tried to keep each one in my mind for at least a few minutes, but my thoughts kept moving toward my mother. I prayed for what must have been a long time because when I looked up I saw the sun beginning to set and the lights blinking on in the city. I thought of the families preparing dinner together, enjoying each other. I wondered what my father was doing right now... if he even realized what day it was.
"Hey."
"What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to bring this."
"How did you know where to come?"
"Your grandfather."
Minako placed a few oranges next to the figs on the mantle and touched the stone, whispering something quietly. Leaning down, she added her own incense to mine in the holders. I didn't quite know what to say. She had walked all the way out here to make an offering to my mother. I was honestly surprised that she remembered it at all. I must have mentioned the date during one of her great question sessions. It was an unexpected and touching gesture. Sighing deeply, I stood up and looked her in the eyes. I was nervous, and I noticed I was fidgeting with my hair. Dropping my hands, I gave her a grossly simplified version of the words dancing around my head.
"Thank you."
She nodded and we began walking home, enjoying the delicious smells wafting from shop windows as we made our way back. I lingered a bit behind her, watching her stroll along the roadside, her hair glowing in the light of the setting sun. She was absolutely beautiful. Could I think that without it meaning that I had feelings for her? I wanted to believe that everything was completely innocent between us. I wanted to think that it was normal to want to kiss a friend once or twice. It wasn't unusual to be scared of letting someone in. I wasn't strange and this wasn't strange. She slowed a bit to match pace with me and took my hand in hers. I didn't pull away but spent the rest of the walk trying to swallow the lump in my throat.
Part 19
Michiru and Haruka had taken our chance encounter as a cue to include me in their outings. I liked being around them because I didn't have to be so aware of myself, so hidden. I was realizing how much time I actually spent making sure that no would have a reason to suspect that anything about me was outside of normal. Everything I said or did was planned and I had set it up that way. I pushed myself all the time to fit into these molds I made. I had wanted to, never questioned it until recently. Now it all felt exhausting, like a job I hated but went to day after day.
I was drunk again. I could have counted the number of times I had ever been drunk on one hand before all of this. I didn't even enjoy being drunk. Alcohol stripped me of all the filters I needed and left me only a stream of consciousness to work with. It made me too honest, too open. The poor unsuspecting blonde next to me was swirling her drink, watching her girlfriend dance with Setsuna. I couldn't stop myself and the words began pouring out of my mouth unchecked. I began yelling my thoughts to Haruka over the pounding music.
"How do you do it?"
"What?"
"Be okay with it? You're so comfortable."
"You didn't exactly look uncomfortable during the whole dancing scenario last time."
"That I get."
"What do you mean?"
"Staying together… what's the point?"
"You don't get long-term relationships?"
"I don't understand how you're okay with it."
"What's not to be okay with?"
"When it ends."
"What if it doesn't?"
"It has to, one way or another."
"That's a cheery thought."
"Why put yourself through that?"
"I try not to grapple too much with questions of mortality anymore. How many times have we died?"
"What about that one time we don't come back?"
"I suppose we won't have to worry about it then since we'll be dead."
"What if it was only one of you?"
"I would still want to have had Michiru in my life."
"That's because you've never lost her."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes."
"What makes you so sure?"
"I just know."
"You mean your mother?"
"How do you…?"
"Usa…now why don't you give me that beer?"
"I'm talking too much aren't I?"
"No no… just want you to say conscious this time, wouldn't want anyone to take advantage of you. You're so much friendlier when you're drunk."
"I'm not normally friendly?"
"Not so much. Let's say reserved…now I know it's all an act."
"Not ALL of it."
"…so who is she?"
"What?"
"The girl that's got you all in a knot?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Well, people only tend to be that miserable and introspective when they are fighting with themselves over something. So out with it…"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Minako?"
"I don't think about her like that…."
"Wanna know what I think?"
"I don't know, do I?"
"I think you're afraid of wanting."
"What does THAT mean?"
"You don't like to want something…like this girl"
"What about her?"
"You're not afraid of losing her, you're afraid to even admit you want her."
"It's not like I've never been with people before."
"People who want you."
"So?"
"So you have all the control."
"What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing. As long as you're fine with being alone."
"I'm not fine with anything anymore."
"How's that?"
"I WAS fine, I had everything planned, I knew what I was doing, how I was going to act, who I was supposed to be."
"Well, that sounds boring. Listen, I respect discipline and self-restraint, but there are times and places for them. Lighten up a bit Rei, stop trying to figure everything out…you might even have a little fun."
She winked at me and pulled me out on to the dance floor.
Part 20
I heard Haruka gunning it down the deserted street behind me. The stairs looked like a mountain and for the first time in my life, I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it to the top. I looked at them one more time, squared my shoulders and began climbing. A mantra: I can do this, played over and over as I climbed one after the other, unduly impressed with my own athleticism. I felt absurdly accomplished when my feet hit the top stair but that excitement faded as I noticed the figure waiting for me, a smirk plastered across her face.
"Are you drunk?"
"What?"
"You barely made it up the stairs Rei-chan."
"I'm here aren't I?"
"Yup and you smell like beer."
"What are you doing here at three in the morning anyway? Doesn't Artemis ever worry?"
"He's usually with Luna, besides I'm quiet."
"Apparently. You still haven't answered my question."
"I answered one of them."
"So answer the other."
"I dunno, I can't sleep sometimes."
"And you come here? That doesn't make any sense."
"Why doesn't it make sense?"
"You can't sleep, so you walk a mile in the dark by yourself?"
"To see you."
"Why me?"
"Where were you?"
"At a bar."
"That much I can tell. How did you get home?"
"I got a ride."
"From who?"
"I'm going to sleep."
"Why don't you ever invite me?"
"You wouldn't come."
"How do you know?"
"I just do."
"Oh, okay. Well if you 'just do'."
"I don't have to invite you anywhere and I don't have to explain myself."
"Yeah, I get that."
"Why do you care anyway Minako?"
"Let's sleep, okay?"
I was so fuzzy at this point that I just agreed, following her inside and stripping down before plopping into bed. I could feel her eyes on me, but my thinking was still a bit jumbled. She turned away and I found myself watching Mina as she undressed. The movement of her ribs under her skin as she pulled her shirt off was like some magic trick. Her hands were like liquid in air, nonsensical and unpredictable. They were small, not tiny, but small, and moved only in blurs. Her body was so well built, strong without being masculine in any way. All the volleyball had done her some good… those perfect, impossibly long legs seemed to go on forever. My eyes traced the lines of muscle in her thighs as she leaned over. The excess of visual stimulation seemed to cause a short circuit in my brain, my mouth felt dry.
I guess I still expected her to look the way she looked when we first met, but she had been right about what she said in the hot springs, we weren't 13 anymore. Unfortunately, with my impaired reflexes, she caught me before I could look away. She raised her eyebrow, climbed into my bed and shut off the light. We were both quiet for a long time. I was trying to get a hold of myself.
"I'm sorry Rei-chan. I shouldn't have been so intrusive, but it drives me nuts you won't tell me where you go."
"It's no one else's business."
"Except Ruka's."
"What does THAT mean?"
"I saw her drop you off."
"I don't ask you to come here, and I don't appreciate being spied on."
"I just wish you'd trust me."
Part 21
She was nearly hysterical, jumping around the orchard with a letter held in her hand.
"I got a record deal."
"What?"
"I met with the label, Michiru helped me find an agent."
"About time."
"We start recording in a few months."
"You must be excited."
"Yeah."
"You don't sound like it. It's everything you wanted."
"Almost everything."
"What are you talking about?"
"I want to celebrate."
"Okay. What do you want to do?"
"I want you to come out with everyone."
"Where?"
"I'm not telling. It'll be a girls night!"
"No."
"Pleeeeeeease?"
"No way."
"Rei-chan! It won't be the same without you!"
"Alright, okay."
I could have killed myself. I don't know why I said yes. I had no idea what I was getting into. My mind immediately began concocting possible scenarios for the night, all ending with some horrible fight...a combination of the resultant dissolution of our friendship and complete humiliation in front of the rest of our friends. At least I only had two days to let the anxiety build up.
Part 22
The flashing of the arcade lights was incredibly disorienting. It was like being trapped inside a pinball machine. I watched Mina and Usa fighting it out on the latest Sailor V game. Usa was slamming the buttons with impressive speed, her tongue peeking out the side of her mouth and I was instantly reminded of why, despite her faults, she was so endearing. I knew before the war had begun that Usa didn't stand a chance, but I kept that to myself. Her inevitable defeat was met with a sobbing wail and I laughed a bit, rolling my eyes.
"Don't laugh at me!"
"You're being so dramatic."
"You're such a meanie! But I'm still glad you came Rei-chan! Where have you been lately anyway?"
Usagi linked her arm with mine, smiling insanely. Though I would never admit it out loud, it was good to see her. That girl had an infectious energy even if she could be mind-numbingly irritating at times. Next to Mina, I felt the most at ease around her. I still fought the strange urge to humble myself before her and confess all my secrets like some pilgrim at an altar. That drive had been with me since she was named our princess. I loved Usa, I loved them all really, I just kept that to myself.
Minako finished typing her initials into the high score slot and turned back around to join us. Everyone was slightly intoxicated at this point. I was pretty tipsy and as I sipped my third drink I heard Minako approaching. She had been openly flirtatious tonight for reasons I didn't understand. I also had a growing suspicion Minako was trying to convince me she was drunker than she actually was. She slithered up to me, sliding her arm around my waist and giving me her best pout.
"You haven't played with me yet. It's your turn."
"What would you like to play?"
"You choose, lady's choice."
"You're not a lady?"
"Not always."
"Okay…how about that one?"
I pointed to some machine at random that seemed... from the elaborate painting on the side... to have something to do with chickens and lasers. I slipped a few tokens in and gripped the trigger. I chanced a glance in her direction and was met with a mischievous smirk. The game started and we slapped through the inane backstory. I had one method of playing video games, which was to pound the trigger and blanket the screen with bullets. It was effective but my lack of strategy infuriated the seasoned gamer in her. Mina stomped off when her character died, leaving me to off the army of zombie hens on my own. I smiled to myself and followed her back to the rest of the group.
Another round of beers arrived along with one of those drinks she had been nursing all night. She took a bottle from the center of the table and slid it my way, nodding at it. I lifted the cool glass to my lips, barely tasting it anymore. Before long we had moved on to some nightclub.
I watched her and the rest of them dancing around in a circle, carefree and silly. Something about the way her shoulder blades moved…I could see them through the open back of her shirt… kami, I was turning into my grandfather. Being around her when I am drunk… awful idea. She saw me looking, locked eyes with me as she swayed and turned in perfect rhythm with the music. I had to turn away, staring into my bottle for help. I checked my phone. It was thankfully close to midnight… I knew Usa wouldn't stay out past then…this would all be over soon. I ordered another beer.
Part 23
I waved goodbye to all our friends as they drove away from the park we had all left our cars in front of. It was done, I had survived the night, avoided any sort of life-altering mistakes. I was congratulating myself on my incredible self-control when I realized that Minako was still here. I was her ride and I was in questionable shape.
Her voice was suddenly right next to me, tickling my ear. It surprised me and I turned around, her eyes were almost black in the dim light. She didn't look like herself... she seemed dangerous again.
"Take me to that place you go."
"What?"
"I'm not ready to go home yet!"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Why?"
"I told you, you wouldn't want to go"
"I don't think you have any idea what I want."
She had pressed herself against me, challenging me with a look that was somewhere between mischievous and combative. That smile, her perfume… I clenched my eyes shut, and squeezed my hands against my jeans. Desire surged up inside me and I panicked, twisting away, trying to put some space between us. I felt like I couldn't breathe…not when I could smell her.
"I can't!"
When I opened my eyes and looked up, her face was unreadable. She was quiet but there was an intensity there, I could feel it radiating off her. My heart was pounding in my ears, the world felt like it was spinning. Mina cocked her head, taking me in.
"Give me your keys."
"Minako…"
"Are you sure about..."
"I danced most of it off. Now give me the keys, I'm taking you home."
I climbed into the passenger seat. I remember watching the sidewalks fly by, sipping at a bottle of water I had in my car until we arrived outside an unfamiliar building. I was still a bit cloudy, but it was quickly wearing off.
"Where are we?"
"My apartment."
"I've never been here."
"I know."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why haven't I been here?"
"It's not like Mako's apartment, or Usa's house, or the shrine…."
It certainly wasn't in the best part of the city, it definitely wasn't in the best of shape, and it was unquestionably small. That aside, it was a pretty average apartment considering the ones I had seen and been in. She had small things that made it her own everywhere though, a karaoke machine tucked in the corner, photos of all of us. She shouldn't feel embarrassed, I didn't want her to be.
"It's an apartment, it looks like any other apartment I have ever been in."
"And just how many have you been in?"
I chose not to answer and looked away. I tried to find something to focus on, wanting to stay the swaying of the room. I could feel something was different, even the air felt strange in my lungs.
"You need to eat something Rei-chan."
She left and came back into the room with an assortment of snacks and some more water. I sat myself on the couch, grabbing a cookie and taking some sips of the cool liquid. We ate in silence, or more accurately I ate and she was silent. We popped a movie in, neither of us really paid attention to it, but by the middle, I had sobered up. Her thoughts were clearly someplace else. One arm rested on her stomach, the other was up by her neck where her fingers absent-mindedly tapped out a rhythm against her chest. I stupidly let my mind wander, imagining what the skin there would smell like, taste like. I shouldn't be here…that need, the gnawing ache was coming back. I knew all the reasons why not, I had gone over them a hundred times in my head, but watching her breasts rise and fall as she breathed… I couldn't think of a single one. I felt ashamed, like an animal.
Maybe Haruka was right, I was afraid to want someone, but I had cause to be. As the film ended she turned to her side, facing me.
"Rei…"
"Yes?"
"Have you ever wanted someone you shouldn't?"
"…Minako don't be stu..."
"Please Rei, just answer me this time."
"Why?"
"Because I'm asking you nicely…"
"…Yes, I have."
"What did you do?"
"Nothing." I pleaded with her silently to do the same. Do nothing Mina... just act like nothing is happening…please.
"What?"
"I ignored it."
"Do they go away? The thoughts… when you look at her?"
"Her?" If she was trying to catch me, I wouldn't make it that easy. I pretended to be surprised and saw a flicker of something I couldn't name flash across her face. I didn't understand what was going on.
"You don't ever wonder when you look at me?"
"Wonder what?"
"What it would be like to do this?" She took my hand and passed it over her ribs, up the side of her breast. It sent a lightning bolt straight through me. I whipped my arm away, sat upright and stared at her in shock. I held my hand as though it had been burned.
"I can't!"
"Why can't you?" Her blue eyes were boring into me, searching. I was shaking, but she was undeterred. She straddled my waist, touching my cheek. I felt the heat of her body through my jeans… her skirt was so short. "I'm not afraid of this." She whispered the words against my ear. I felt her teeth on my earlobe. Until now, I had always been on the opposite end of this. She was seducing me, doing an amazing job actually. I was afraid, even if she wasn't…terrified by how much I wanted her to touch me, frightened by how close I was to giving in. It all felt so different than I was used to, not like a game at all.
She pulled away and stared at my mouth. Tracing my bottom lip with her thumb, she watched her hand as though she wasn't sure it belonged to her…it was too much. I let my mouth open, let her finger fall inside, closed my lips around it, ran my tongue along its underside, bite gently at its tip. Another jolt shot through me as she moaned softly, whispering my name, hoarse and shuddering. She reluctantly drew her hand back and then her lips were on mine...her whole body leaning into me.
I drowned in the sighs, the look in her eyes… the tingle of her glowing skin brushing mine… her voice saying my name again. I wanted more immediately. My mind was rebelling against even the idea of thinking. For once in my life, at the least appropriate time, things seemed simple. Every thought boiled down to a deceptively uncomplicated conclusion. If I wanted it and it was there… I could.
Part 24
I stood on the small balcony outside her bedroom. It faced the outside of the building next door...I could see the cracks in the brick. I was no longer above the city, safe in my shrine, I was in it… this was too real. I felt exposed and pulled her robe tighter around me. Watching her sleep, I wondered how she could be so relaxed, so peaceful when we had just spent the last few hours dismantling my life from the inside out. Things could never be the same, this would change everything. I had let her touch me in a way I had never let anyone. I could never take it back. Part of me wanted to wake her up, beg her to never tell, to forget everything, that it was just some mistake…part of me was deeply ashamed at having let this happen.
There was another part of me that seemed to have come loose. There was a new lightness, something that felt almost like relief. I was not sure which part I was crying for right now, maybe both. They were silent tears, always silent tears and they felt hot as they hit my chest.
The same thought kept popping into my head. Minako was a woman. By the same token, I was a woman. This wasn't just a drunken night and we weren't girls anymore. There was no laughing this off, no raking it over. It wasn't a power struggle or for sport. When she touched me, kissed me... she meant it and that realization was like a fist squeezing my insides. I couldn't stay, I had thought I could…but I had to leave. The weight of what had happened was suffocating. She was on the verge of starting a career, she wouldn't be able to stay here. There was no point in opening up myself up so completely when it was all destined to end... when I did not know that I could accept it. I hated myself as I put on my clothes, hated myself even more, when I slipped out the front door and was thoroughly disgusted while I watched her apartment fade from the rearview mirror.
Part 25
"This is very good."
"Thank you."
We sipped at the soup and picked at the rice balls I had made in the common room. It was rare that we had a homemade dinner together and it was honestly wonderful, something like a regular family.
"Where has that friend of yours been lately?"
"Minako?"
"Yes, she hasn't been over to help me with my sweeping in awhile."
"You have me and Yuuchiro to help you, besides, it's only been a week."
"A week is a long time. You two aren't fighting are you?"
"No."
"Good…I like her."
"You like any cute girl Grandpa."
"She's very respectful, she's good… all the way through."
"Yes, she is."
"You know something?"
"What?"
"I think your mother would have liked her too."
He winked at me and tottered off to his room. I watched him go, and when I knew he was in bed I flopped back on the cushions and stared at the ceiling beams. I would never know if he was right about my mother, but it was a nice thought…not that it mattered at the moment anyway. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered how much longer I could keep pretending nothing had happened. She hadn't come looking for me either. Two possibilities came to mind. One, it had meant nothing to her and therefore she had no concerns about it whatsoever or two, it had meant something to her in which case she was probably very angry at me. I didn't really like either scenario. This week felt like constant free fall, every time I would get a foothold some thought would knock me off again. If I was honest, underneath all the confusion... I missed her. A ding that signaled a new text message disturbed the silence.
Part 26
I walked out into the orchard and there she was in her blue dress. I couldn't read her, she was facing away from me, but I could see her arms were crossed. I didn't know what to say, what to do, so I tried to fall back into my usual blank-faced indifference...TA Rei. I was surprised by how much I had to force it.
"You left."
"I told you I couldn't."
"But you DID, we did Rei…and you left."
It wasn't what I had expected her to say and I had no idea how to tell her why I had done it. I didn't really even understand it myself. I wanted something easy, something normal. I couldn't understand why it felt so simple or so right to be with her when everything else in this world told me it wasn't, it shouldn't. The only phrase that kept running through my mind was 'I don't want this'. I didn't want this, I didn't want to be standing here like this with her, I didn't want things to be hard anymore. Something horrible was growing inside me, I was suddenly angry, angry at her, at myself, at everything for making my life this painful, this complicated.
"You're making too much of it."
"I'm making too much of it?"
"We were drunk Mina."
"STOP! Stop pretending with me! I know you…"
She turned around and looked at me, with those ocean blue eyes full of hurt and I felt my stomach flip. I felt myself crumbling in front of her, the tears were stinging the corner of my eyes. The anger dissolved into a deep aching sadness. She took my hands in hers, moved closer to me, rested her forehead on mine.
"I know you Rei-chan."
I wanted to run from the whispered words, from her breath on my lips, the taste of my own tears. I pulled back but made myself stay.
"This isn't simple Minako."
"Why?"
"How could you think it is?"
"…I…it is for me."
"Well, it isn't for me."
"Why not?"
"It's my life Minako, this isn't how it was supposed to be."
"Because I'm a girl?"
It was too much and I slumped down on to the grass. The sleeves of my Miko uniform felt so heavy as I lifted my arms to rest them on my knees. She sat down beside me, so patient, trying to understand in spite of all my resisting and I decided I had to explain myself... I owed it to her.
"No one was supposed to know. It was supposed to be a secret."
"You could have told me."
"I didn't want this. I'd never let anyone actually…before we…I didn't want it to ever mean…"
She looked at me wide-eyed. I hadn't told her that she was the first person to ever touch me like that. I hadn't told her anything really. I was embarrassed by my constant emotional floundering, it was easier to act like I didn't care. She seemed like a bird, sailing through all this on a gentle breeze.
"…read my mind Rei."
After a moment of indecision, I gave in to her. I opened myself up to her energy. I could feel it passing between us and watched as she let her eyes fall closed. An overwhelming warmth… calm yet bright, happy yet sensual filled me completely. It was like red wine by a fire, or tasting something exquisite for the first time, or a memory of some new sensation so wonderful that it became the measure for every other experience. The intensity of it overloaded my senses, was absolutely intoxicating. It was one of the most amazing things I'd ever felt. There was something else though, a connection, a knowledge of each other that seemed ancient…like it belonged, had always been. It was unexplainable, indescribable, but so solidly there. I kept my eyes closed, enjoying the new sensations still coursing through me until her voice broke me out of the trance.
"That is how you make me feel, how I feel every time I see you... when I think about you, multiply that times one hundred and that's how it feels to kiss you…I'm not imagining this, you feel something, I know you do."
She seemed to be almost talking to herself. She had a given me an out, but I knew with a sudden certainty I wouldn't take it. I couldn't lie to her, not after seeing her so vulnerable. I did as she asked, I stopped pretending. Once our lips met this time, once her perfume hit I was sure I could never have gone without. It was me that initiated the kiss, that pulled her close, secreted her away, took my time on her, the whole time wondering what it was I had been fighting against for so long.
I knew it would not be the smoothest of roads between us, but I was starting to believe Minako was right. Maybe one way or another, no matter how tangled, or complicated, or painful, things could sort themselves out again. Maybe this was worth it, maybe I needed to be pulled apart to start again.