"Alright Mrs. Midoriya push!"
"I AM FUCKING PUSHING!"
*Plop*
"Honey?" Hisashi Midoriya, a loving husband that would never leave his wife's side for an instant, stared at their new born child with a horrified expression. "Did you fuck the shrubbery?"
"Huh?" Inko glanced between her wide spread legs and stared at the hung of wood and greenery that the doctors were currently holding in their hand. Despite the fact that it was quite literally a fucking bush, it moved and Inko was both in love and confused as to how she had given birth to a god damn hedge orinimate. "That explains why I wanted to tan so much."
"It looks lovely on you." Her doting husband replied in a very and completely serious manner. "But uhh, any reason why our child is broccoli?"
The doctor, a young woman with pink hair that looked like her hobbies included being to old for this shit and kickboxing looked at the house plant with a mixture of awe and what could only be described as the emotional equivelent of shouting 'What the fuck' into the void of space. "Well, it doesn't have a heartbeat and I have no idea what gender it is." Without any concern for basically anything the doctor promptly ripped out a potted plant that loomed in the corner and then planted their child in its soil. " Here hold this, my girlfriend runs a flower shop. She's more qualified for this."
With the salad dropped in her arms Inko looked at her child and instantly felt a sense of motherly connection to it. Which was good otherwise they'd have just planted it somewhere and tried again for a creature that had animal cells as opposed to plant cells. "Uhh, what do we call it?"
"Izuku but spelt like Deku."
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"What? Can you think of a better name?"
"Shrubbery?"
"Honey."
"Fine! Izuku spelt like Deku."
"It's a great name! He'll love it and no one will ever tease him for it."
"He?"
"It's a plant, I don't think they have genders."
The doctor's girlfriend, a very pretty blond haired woman that made Inko question her sexuality far more than that night drinking she had with Mitsuki in college, informed them that their plant was in fact a male. She based this off of the fact that he had wood.
Roughly five years later their plant Izuku started to walk around and talk, leaving both Inko and Hisashi to feel like they were shitty parents because they thought he was just a freaky house plant that they had to take care of. And the fact that they would take some of his leaves and smoke them for the high of a god damn life time.
Which was how their daughter Izumi was born.
She screamed when she found out she had an older brother that was basically a living plant.
XXXX
"I'm fucking aware Kacchan!" Izuku Midoriya, a talking fucking plant swore and threw his arms around in the air like he didn't care. He was out here in the god damn middle of a fucking part trying to eat some of that good fucking sunshine and enjoy the nutrient rich soil that was going to help him become a big strong plant thing in a couple of decades. "I know that my name is literally Deku. I am a fucking deku!"
"What the fuck did you say to me you talking tiki mother fucker?" Katsuki Bakugo, who hated being called Kacchan, and was a little bitch, sparked his hands at Izuku as he advanced towards Izuku. "You talk a lot of shit for someone that's flamable."
"Oh please, you couldn't even set tinder aflame!" Izuku wiggled his feet out of the ground and glared at Katsuki. "I'm live wood! You dunce! We went over this in school!"
Despite the fact that they were both only about seven or so neither one of them was afraid to throw hands and beat the shit out of each other. Katsuki had the advantage in that he was taller than Izuku. Izuku blamed this slight inconvenience on the fact that he was a god damn tree.
However, what Katsuki didn't have was immunity to Poison Ivy.
"You'll pay for that Izuku! I'm going to turn you into Charcoal!"
The brutal clash of the two seven year olds in the middle of a park went on for far longer than it should have largely because everyone was to busy shit posting to r/idiotsfightingthings because everyone thought that Izuku was a fucking shrub and that Katsuki was just expressing his anger issues on a thing, which was significantly better than taking them out on a living breathing person.
The result was Izuku losing a branch and some other leaves, and a bit of damage to his core that rendered him unable to grow for a few years.
Katsuki ended up needing to go to the hospital because his entire body had been covered in poison oak including his eyes. Because of this Katsuki lost sight in one eye and the ability to ever get a girlfriend without surgery because if anyone ever bothered to look past his now lumpy and sagging face they'd find that the inside is oh so very much more worse than the outside. At least he still had fireworks on his hands.
After all that Izuku transferred school, but during a field trip everyone forgot about him when he was eating and he lived in the park for a few years because he was a fucking tree.
XXXX
"I wanna be a hero!"
"You're a fucking tree kid!" All Might the number one hero in the entire world and a very good skeleton impersonator spat out blood when he saw the living shrub that had found out his secret. Like what the fuck was this thing? It looked like a kid with a giant melon for a head. And why did he have wood?
"That doesn't mean I can't be a fucking hero!"
"Good point!" All Might snapped his fingers and nodded. "Alright, I like the cut of your jib."
The fuck was a jib?
"Here! Eat this!"
"That's hair!"
"Yeah, eat it."
"Why?"
"You want my powers don't you?"
"Well yes, but I don't have a mouth."
"Then how are you talking to me."
"Shit, you have a point."
Izuku took the hair and shoved it into his noise hole. The effect was like super duper ultra premium fetilizer that felt fucking amazing.
His body grew taller, his branches swelling with power and his ability to create and control plants expanded. He went from a living tree to being a tree man! With wood!
He stood taller than All Might and flexed.
"I AM DEKU!"
"Oh, that's your name." All Might said and started to put on a pair of sandals that went with his floral hawaiian shirt. "Well Deku, have fun being the number one hero. Btw there's like this super bad guy called All for One out there, but you're a tree so you should be good."
"I am Deku."
Wait. Why was that the only thing he could say?
XXXX
"I am Deku."
"Mmmh, Fuck yeah baby." Ibara, one of Izuku's girlfriends that was currently riding his wood with slow smooth motions of her hips. Her large perky breasts were like ripe melons that just wanted to be rubbed and grabbed. She used to be a bit of a religious nut then when they met at U.A. and fucked in the greenhouse she became a tree fucking hippy that was basically always dtf. "Pollinate me."
"I am Deku." Izuku groaned and leaned forward to kiss her softly, his vines squeezing her bust while another one of his girlfriends rubbed some of the more sensitive spots on his body.
Nejire Hado had asked a lot of questions and eventually asked if he could have sex. He said "I am Deku." and then they fucked. After finding out that his semen was basically the equivalent of human fertilizer and made her grow taller and bustier, she had basically won over Ibara and Izuku's third girlfriend Poison Ivy who used to be a villain but really she just wanted some girlfriends and the D.
The D in this case being Deku.
"Izuku!" Kamui woods, Izuku's former teacher, former experimental boyfriend, and current girlfriend—Don't judge, Izuku is a fucking tree and having someone that can rub him off from the inside because of his quirk was amazing—came barging in. "There's a big fight! We need your help!"
"I am Deku!"
He came.
And then promptly went to go kick some ass.
XXXX
"I am Deku."
Izuku stared out at the chaos that had fallen over the city and knew what he must do.
All for One had escaped and villains were running everywhere.
He did what trees did best.
Grow.
Grow.
And grow.
He stuck his roots deep into the ground, using the hair All Might had given him to grow in size, his already intimidatingly tall eleven foot frame doubled in a moment, and then again. And again. His body turning more tree like as buildings began to buckled as his roots grew throughout the city. Villains tried to stop him. But with the power of his seed flowing through his nine foot tall amazonian girlfriends, Izuku didn't have to worry about them and continued to grow.
He reached the size of a skyscraper, his canopy covering the city and pollen fell from his branches, stopping the villains in their tracks and making them all higher than a kite.
Over the coming months he grew taller than Mt. Fuji, his great branches spreading across all of Japan and spreading prosperity across the nation. Even All for One was too busy being high as fuck to even think about global conquest.
But Izuku wasn't. Within the hidden chambers deep within his body his avatar happily fucked his giant girlfiends. It was Nejire's idea really, the idea to grow new copies of himself around the world, covering the entire planet in Deku.
AN: This is a shitpost. Sorry you had to read it!