Chapter 3: Seaside Rendevous
A/N: Updates are gonna be less frequent. Short answer: I wanna step back and plan this out more, updates will be at least once a month, maybe twice. Long answer: Read the A/N at the bottom of the chapter.
Tabgha Lunar Base
Gendo Ikari and Kozo Fuyutski stood aboard their spacecraft, the Lunar outpost below them.
"They won't let us land. SEELE's being petty." The professor-turned-sub-commander prodded.
Gendo kept his gaze out the window, looking at a large Evangelion in the process of construction. "That does not matter. Despite its production, having visual confirmation of progress on Evangelion Mark.06 will be enough."
Sitting atop the Unit was a young man, who appeared to be no more than 14.
Staring along the moon's horizon, he monologued to the recesses of space. "Something is... different."
Back in the spacecraft, Fuyutski was attempting to understand the reason for the Eva in front of them. "There shouldn't have been any Evas developed past Unit-05."
"Perhaps they are part of the Dead Sea Scrolls, which SEELE is going to use for their scenario." Gendo retorted.
Fuyutski looked at him. "They must be aware of NERV's goal" he warned.
Gendo was quiet for a moment. "Aware or not, all we have to do is continue with our own scenario."
Fuyutski looked back out the window, noticing the young man seemingly meditating on the Eva.
The young man looked at the Commander. "It is a pleasure to meet you... Father. Perhaps your fatherly neglect will prove to be your downfall."
"Do you guys wanna come on a field trip?" Shinji asked his two friends.
"Did ya even have to ask, Shin-Man? Anything beats being in this dump!" Toji said, crossing his arms. Thankfully, Hikari was just out of earshot and wasn't able to distribute a reprimand.
Shinji smiled at Toji, but in reality he was putting all of his effort into not bursting into tears. After the incident with Unit-03, Shinji never went to visit his friend in the hospital. Every time he thought of doing such a thing, he was overcome with guilt and avoided the feeling by buried himself in his S-DAT. That vicious cycle and everything around it was perhaps one of Shinji's greatest regrets.
Save for events surrounding himself and a certain redhead. Making those right was starting to become more important to him than anything else. At this point, he'd let an angel stomp on him for her forgiveness.
"Shin-Man?"
"Huh?" Shinji snapped back to reality
"As I was sayin', I'd love to get outta class for any reason, so I'm in!" said the Jock.
"Um, g-good! What about you, Kensuke?" Shinji didn't even need to get himself into character, attempting to look Toji in the eye did more than enough to make him into the usual nervous wreck his friends knew him as.
Kensuke attempted to play the good student. "Hmm. Don't we have an obligation to school, Shinji?"
"Don't worry! It's technically NERV business so they'll cover any conflicts with school!" He responded.
With that, Kensuke's face lit up. "Well, when ya put it like that, I'm also in!"
Fighting tears again, Shinji smiled to his friends, hoping they didn't look too closely at his eyes, and how distant the gaze had become on his young face.
Across the room, Asuka was asking her local Class Rep the same thing.
"Well, Miss Shikinami-"
"Please, just Asuka is fine." she interrupted.
"Alright, Asuka, the prospect of a field trip sounds very intriguing. However, as the Class Representative to ensure responsibility in this class." Hikari said with her usual 'official' tone.
"Well, NERV is covering it, so they'll handle loose ends, and it's supposed to be an educational trip as well!" She bargained, knowing exactly what to say.
Hikari thought for a moment. "Well, if it's educational, I can't turn that down. Sure! I'll come along, Asuka!"
The girl grinned, doing her best to stop herself from thinking about Hikari seeing her at her darkest hour. "G-good! We'll also bring our penguin!" she said as she fought tears, something that became significantly harder after her soul was wrung out. What she didn't realize, at least consciously, was that she was simultaneously fighting the same struggles as the Third Child
"You have a penguin!?" Hikari asked excitedly.
Rei sat at her desk, staring out the window as she usually did.
As Shinji approached her, he noticed that her routine was identical to that from his original world.
Good, I'm happy to see her like this. He said to himself. It beats seeing her decompose in the clone tank or turn into a giant soul-harvesting god.
"A-Ayanami?" he asked, the nerves coming to him naturally, similar to how he felt when talking to Toji.
The girl turned her head to look at him. "What is it, Pilot Ikari?"
"Well, um, NERV authorized a field trip, and Mr. Kaji is taking us. I have myself, Shikinami, Suzuhara, Aida, and Horaki coming. Would you like to come too? It'll be a good opportunity to cooperate well with your fellow pilots." He asked. After knowing his Rei, he figured out somewhat how to communicate to her, and gambled on this Rei being the same way.
She held his gaze silently for a moment before speaking up. "Yes. That would be adequate. Inspector Kaji is also NERV personnel, which ensures the safety of such an excursion."
"Great!" He said, smiling. "We'll pick you up on the day! It's in two days from now, and we'll be there in the early afternoon."
She smiled ever-so-slightly at him. "Thank you, Pilot Ikari."
Unbeknownst to Shinji, a certain redhead was silently watching him from her desk.
There he goes, talking and smiling to that stupid doll. Not that I care, She thought, forcing the last part into her head.
Why does he care so much about Wondergirl?
"Why do you care so much about Wondergirl?" she asked him on their way home.
Shinji did a double-take at the question. "Wha- Ayanami?"
"Yeah. You're always so friendly to her. Why? She's always been an emotionless doll, and as it turns out, she also tore the world apart!" She prodded, knowing it'd set him off.
"Asuka! Ayanami didn't do that, alright?" he paused, before lowering his voice. "...I did."
"What are you talking about, idiot?" She asked, trying to sting as much as she could with each word.
He remained at a pseudo-whisper. "I made the choice, Asuka. Rei was just a catalyst. My father made her, cloned her from my mother-"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. He did what!?" Asuka interrupted.
"Shh!" he said, getting a bit frustrated at the girl's volume, especially with people around. "She's a clone of my mother. Around when you were... away, Dr. Akagi took me and Miss Misato down to this deep part of NERV, and showed us this big tank. It was full of LCL, and in it, there were a bunch of naked Ayanamis."
Asuka looked at him in disbelief. "What!?"
"Let me finish! Anyways, Dr. Akagi pressed a button, and I watched all these Ayanamis dissolve. I watched her die about 20 times at once!" He said, effectively mastering whisper-yelling.
Asuka reeled back a bit. "Sheiße. She really is a doll."
Shinji shot her a look before continuing to articulate his thoughts. "I... always felt like I had a connection with her. I guess it's because she looked a lot like my mother, who I saw before I came back."
His co-pilot thought for a moment. "So, wouldn't that make you two related?"
"In a way, I guess. Why?"
"Just something to think about." She felt a sense of relief, but didn't want to explore why that was, even if she knew exactly why.
The day before the field trip, the pilots had another sync test.
Again, Shinji tried to make a connection with one Yui Ikari.
His mind wandered to when he saw her before returning from instrumentality.
'Anywhere can be paradise as long as you have the will to live...' As he drifted further away from her.
The response he got in the entry plug was one of fear, and he felt as though someone had physically recoiled for a moment.
"Shinji? Everything okay?" Came a voice over the comms.
"A-All good!" He said, a bit flustered. "Just got distracted for a moment!"
On her end, Asuka thought of Mama, and her mind went over towards the hospital and what she saw that day that truly broke her own soul.
Her entry plug did not give a response of sympathy, or even fear. She could feel a sense of indifference and unfamiliarity, as if Mama did not remember what had happened, and didn't care at that.
What are you? She questioned in her mind.
The night before the field trip, Shinji dreamt.
Thankfully, his mind spared him somewhat and he had a dream that was less mentally taxing than the ones from previous nights.
At least, this time, he was dreaming about that beach.
He saw Ayanami, hovering above the water, in the same way that he saw her that day the Third Angel attacked. She was there, and then she was not.
He looked over, and he saw Asuka. His instincts and anger took over, and he crawled over to her.
He wrapped his fingers around her neck.
When she reached up to caress his face, the scene changed.
This time, he was outside, clad in his plugsuit, standing behind caution tape, watching Asuka as she stared at Unit-02 going into quarantine.
Realizing where he was, he crossed the caution tape and closed the distance between himself and her. When he reached out to put his hand on her shoulder, the scene changed again.
Now, it was the week of their sync training, and Asuka fell into his bed.
He watched, still as a statue, as a tear fell from her eye and she mumbled "Mama..."
Again, he reached out to her, but this time, instead of the scene changing, everything dissolved into white, and Shinji was alone.
Before he could question where he was, he heard echoes of Asuka's voice.
"What are you, stupid?"
"Why are you there?"
"You didn't help me,"
"You didn't even hold me!"
"You won't even hold me!"
He opened his mouth to speak, but when he started to make his vocal cords move, his eyes were opening and he was back in his closet-bedroom.
He shot up into a seated position, and recalled what he could about the dream.
"You didn't even hold me, you won't even hold me..." he echoed, trying to rationalize why those two similar, but different phrases stuck with him.
"Didn't, won't..." Shinji said again, when a thought hit him.
"I can't change the past," He said quietly as he looked at his door, "but I have a chance to change the future."
If there was one thing instrumentality did for Shinji, it was force him to understand, especially in the barely comprehensible environment he crawled out of.
"Ikari, did you try to understand?"
"I will this time." he quietly answered the echo in his mind.
Shinji and Asuka were packing their stuff for the day. He had just finished on the lunches for everyone, and she was putting stuff for the sun in a small bag. Their movements were nearly synchronized, but they didn't want to make it obvious to Misato that they knew what they were doing. For all she knew, they were barely familiar with each other.
Speaking of barely familiar, Asuka was about to feel a new brand of hurt: Ryoji Kaji was alive, but only knew her by name. Misato had mentioned it, but the girl could do little to brace herself for such a thing.
Regardless, she raced downstairs when she heard the honk of his car horn, Shinji just a little behind, backpack equipped and an intelligent warm water penguin in his arms.
The boy watched as Asuka exited the front door of the lobby and made her way over to the double, or was it triple, agent.
"Helloooo, Mr. Kaji~" Asuka said excitedly, putting as much sugar and spice into her tone.
The man pursed his lips in a neutral expression and stuck his hand out, expecting a handshake. "Good afternoon, Miss Shikinami. Nice to finally meet ya." he said, nodding his head for good measure.
Asuka misinterpreted his gesture, perhaps on purpose, and grabbed his hand affectionately. "Ah, it's my pleasure, Mr. Kaji. I've heard all about you." She ran her other hand up his arm.
The ponytailed man gave her a look as he gently freed his arm. "Oh-kaaay..." he said, clearly a little uncomfortable. "Ah, hello there, Shinji. Good to see you again." Kaji decided to redirect his attention for the time being, hoping that would deter the redhead he had just met.
Shinji looked the man in he eyes, fighting down his feeling of dread, knowing his previous fate that he would remain blissfully unaware of.
"G-good afternoon, Mr. Kaji." Gods, I need to get my nerves under control. People must think I have a speech impediment or something! He complained internally, remembering the day he told Asuka the man standing in front of him was gone, and her visceral reaction. Although it was in vain, he never wanted to see Asuka that upset again.
"Well, throw your stuff in the back and we'll make the rounds getting our passengers!" Kaji said with a grin as he got in his car.
Asuka remained where she was, staring at where Kaji stood a moment ago. She spoke quietly, but Shinji heard her say "He has no idea who I am..." as she clenched a fist for a moment. Closing the trunk, Shinji gave her a gentle pat on the back, trying his best to look at her with sympathy while praying she didn't interpret it as pity and light his hand on fire. He was unsure of her answer when she jerked away and gave him a scowl. She got in the back, seemingly struggling with the shame of coming onto an unfamiliar Kaji.
Shinji conceded that his help was unsuccessful, but it didn't go unnoticed. Dammit, Shinji, why do you have to be so God-damned nice!? I have every reason to hate you and you keep giving me every reason not to!
How she felt about the boy was buried under rationalizations, denial, and anger over what transpired before the two of them were spirited away. Her heart and her brain weren't exactly on speaking terms, so she constantly felt frustrated around him. Perhaps she still did feel something for him. His proximity was comforting, which she explained to herself was due to the fact that he was the only other person who knew what was going on.
Shinji closed the door, mildly surprised that Asuka chose the backseat as well, and settled in with Pen-Pen in his lap. She glared at him one last time, as if she were glaring at herself, and turned to stare out the window to truly glare at herself.
He glanced at her, and how the sun accented her features. It made his heart skip a beat. He remembered his dream and silently promised he'd work to improve the future, so that Asuka would never have to scowl again. He had no idea how, but he knew it felt right, even if he had to spend the rest of his life. Making Asuka truly happy, perhaps for the first time ever, was all Shinji felt he needed to cling onto.
Kaji drove like a more refined Misato. In layman's terms, a reckless driver with skill. He wasn't quite barrelling down Tokyo-3's streets, but he was driving pretty fast for someone who was supposed to be carpooling 6 teenagers and a penguin.
Toji and Kensuke Squeezed into the back, almost dog-piling Shinji.
Rei got in the front, which gave Asuka a smug sense of satisfaction that she was away from Shinji. Ugh, knock it off, Soryu. Why does that matter!?, reasoned a more rational part of her brain which was promptly ignored.
Hikari got in the back, rather close to Toji, and immediately took a liking to Pen-Pen, who made himself comfortable in her lap.
They took a short trip to the hangar, where their VTOL was waiting for them.
"So kids" Kaji said. "Who's ready for some fun with some animals?"
Hikari put her hand up "I am certain this will be a great educational experience."
Kaji grinned. "Of course, sweetheart. Of course."
The helicopter took off, and the pilots plus three and a penguin were squeezed into a similar position as the car.
It was Shinji, Asuka, Rei, Kensuke, Toji, and Hikari (With Pen-Pen) all lined up in the seats.
Shinji leaked on a hand and stared out the window as the helipad got smaller and they began to move out of view of the city.
He was lost in thought until the helicopter reached the ocean. Due to the shock from being dropped in, he hadn't noticed the water until now.
All of it was red, just like the world he ruined.
Shinji gasped, his breath beginning to become laboured. For a brief moment, he saw the MP-Evas tearing Asuka apart.
He saw Lilith cradling Unit-01 with that terrifying smile.
The world enveloped in a bloody grid.
The severed head of Lilith.
Asuka covered in bandages.
His hands around her neck, followed by her caressing his face.
"I feel sick..."
Shinji's breathing sped up, as he rapidly tried to hide it from his peers.
Asuka, being immediately next to him, took notice right away, and saw his widened eyes and shrunken pupils. In instrumentality, she had seen the same look in his eyes before he screamed the loudest she'd ever heard him.
Dammit Dammit! She thought as she quietly shook his shoulder, trying to get him to face away. She quickly realized that he was trembling pretty hard. She tried to grab his chin and force him to face away, but he wouldn't budge.
Asuka shot a look around; Wondergirl was looking out the front, Kensuke was facing Toji and Hikari, rattling off facts about the helicopter, and Kaji was in the cockpit.
Good, she thought as she swallowed her pride and put a hand on Shinji's lower back. He had a lot to say and he had a lot to answer for, but dammit, she couldn't have him blowing it all now. She had to do something.
I have to do this.
I'm doing this because I have to keep this idiot out of trouble, she echoed to herself.
The girl did not even realize that she was making a tiny circular motion with her hand. She was busy watching Shinji's face to ensure he was calming down.
Like a miracle cure, it worked. Shinji's stare went from wide-eyed to a little more subdued, and his breathing eased.
He looked around the helicopter, then at her. "What happened?" he whispered, his eyes meeting hers.
Asuka looked over her shoulder before speaking. "You had a panic attack or something. Thanks to me, you didn't make a scene, so keep it under wraps, Third!" she quietly hissed.
Shinji then realized her hand was on him, craning his neck to see. "Th..." he hesitated, taking in her words once more. "Thanks." he said, blush creeping onto his face.
With this, Asuka's hand shot back to her side, and she looked away from him, her cheeks reddening little herself, despite her very being getting mad at her for it. "Y-yeah." she sputtered. "No problem."
After the children went through a rigorous cleansing, one that resembled what they went through the day the pilots had to test naked, they were finally allowed into the marine reserve.
It was beautiful; all sorts of aquatic animals everywhere. Rei was fixated on a school of fish, Kensuke and Toji were watching some sharks quite intently, and Hikari took Pen-Pen to see the other penguins, much to his own delight, and by extension, hers.
Shinji wandered aimlessly, trying not to think about the red water surrounding the mechanical sanctuary.
He found himself on the upper deck, where a certain redhead was staring at the sky, leaned on a railing.
"Hey." He said, getting her attention.
"Hey." She said back, turning around.
"Don't you," He said before breathing in. "Don't you wanna see the fish?"
"No. They bore me." Asuka said in an annoyed. but not irate tone.
The two stood a considerable distance apart. they still weren't certain about personal space, having lost and regained their individuality not too long ago.
"C'mon, we can't blow our cover now, can we?" he bargained.
She huffed. "I'm not in the mood, Third."
"Well, I just wanted to find you and say... thanks." he said, bracing for her to snap at him
"What for?" she asked instead.
"For calming me down. I saw the red water and it reminded me of all that crap we left behind. I started to remember the Third Impact and I... Lost myself for a second there. You helped me out, even though you didn't have to. Thanks, Asuka. I think you've changed since I met you." Shinji said.
Asuka scoffed. "Have I, now?"
He nodded. "You have! If I'd been having a panic attack around when we first met, you probably would've been like 'oh, grow up' and gone on, so I think you have changed."
She shrugged her shoulders. "Well, if you feel that way..." Asuka paused. "You've changed too, Third."
"I've changed? Really?"
"Yup! We've been talking for a solid chunk of time and you haven't pissed yourself yet!" You've also been to God-damned nice, which you thankfully held on to. I won't even get mad if you call me a bitch, like, one time.
He looked down, sheepishly. "Well... thanks, Asuka."
Just then, they heard footsteps Like clockwork, Kaji was approaching them.
"Hey kids. Hope I wasn't interrupting something." the man said with a chuckle.
Asuka slipped back into her pilot persona. "Not at all, Mr. Kaji! I was just showing Wonder-boy here that he's gonna have to get used to second place, that's all."
"Good to know," Kaji said before flickering his eyes to the Third Child for a moment. "Well, I think the others are getting a little hungry, so we were gonna sit down to eat."
"Okay." The Second and Third Children said simultaneously before shooting each other a shocked look. Thankfully, Kaji was facing away.
As they headed towards the stairs, neither noticed a man in a suit, briefcase in hand, watching them leave as he adjusted his tie.
"Perhaps their perseverance will prove useful..."
They followed Kaji to a lounge-like area, where their friends were sitting in a circle, waiting for them.
"'Eyy, Shin-man, already hitting it off with new girl, huh?" Toji taunted.
"It's not like that!" the two responded in sync, which made the Stooges and Class Rep laugh.
Damn, they unknowingly thought at the same time. We've got to stop doing that.
After his buddies laughed for a little longer, Shinji sat down next to them, Asuka taking a spot next to Hikari.
Shinji began to dish out the food. He gave Toji 2 bentos, banking on his appetite here being the same as his appetite from pre-Third Impact. The boy happily accepted his meal, which consisted of more meat. He gave Kaji one bento of the same serving.
Kensuke's serving was similar, but a bit more balanced with a little soup. Shinji remembered when he happened upon the boy's campsite all that time ago.
For Hikari, he gave har a meal that consisted of fish and rice. Asuka would always complain about such dishes, calling them 'too Japanese,' but he knew the class rep wouldn't mind.
He gave Rei a bowl of miso soup. Due to her being a vegetarian, he knew that she would deem this satisfactory.
Shinji didn't have any time to prepare a German dish for Asuka, so he cooked some beef in a pan and served it with a little but of rice, which was there just so that the meat had some accompaniment. If he didn't know any better, he'd assume Asuka were a carnivore.
He made himself the same meal as Kensuke, being the least picky eater out of anyone.
Everybody dug into their food right away.
"Wow, Shin-Man, this is great!" Toji spoke up.
"Well done, superbly seasoned, Shinji." Kaji said in agreement with the jock.
Kensuke nodded. "Can you believe this is 9% artificial meat?"
Kaji nodded. "You certainly worked your magic. You've got a real talent, my friend."
Hikari swallowed her food. "Great job, Ikari!" she cheered, putting a thumb up.
"Yeah. Not bad." Asuka said, hiding how she really felt. Not once had she truly praised Shinji for his cooking, but everything he made, she'd eat up and wish for more. Perhaps with more time, she'd come around to giving him his well-overdue praise.
Shinji looked down sheepishly. "Well, y'know, Misato eats instant food, so I had to step up. Not like she was going to" After watching her die, it hurt to be a little mean like that, but he couldn't help himself. Misato truly sucked at all things culinary.
Kaji grinned. "It's a good thing you did. Women love men who cook."
Toji scoffed. "Men don't cook! That just ain't right!"
"Excuse me, Mister Suzuhara, don't be so rude!" Hikari scolded him.
"You know, maybe it's better if you keep thinking that way. I pray you never have to cook for someone. You might be responsible for homicide." Asuka sneered. She was never close to the basketball-fiend, quite the opposite, in fact. Still, she couldn't resist a couple potshots, even now.
"Hey! What the hell's that supposed to mean!?" he protested.
"Figure it out, Monkey-Stooge." Asuka shot back.
"Alright, alright, break it up!" Hikari said, letting her 'Class-Rep' persona take over for a moment.
They grumbled a little, but eventually settled down.
The rest of the meal was mostly small talk, but Shinji could've sworn someone was watching them. He saw something out of the corner of his eye, but when he turned his head, nothing was there.
The day came to a close some time later. Asuka was a bit more open to looking at the aquatic life, so Shinji wandered with her for a bit. Little was said, and they kept a distance as if there was a pole between them, but they were in each other's presence. Not enough for Toji to hassle Shinji, but enough that they knew the other was there.
Kaji returned everyone home when the evening was rolling around, and they reached the Katsuragi household by sundown.
"Well, kids, give me a call if you need anything. I'll be around NERV as well. Ciao." he said as he got back into his car, the two pilots waving to him at the door.
Asuka and Shinji, with Pen-Pen in tow took the elevator to their floor and quietly entered the apartment, saying "we're home" to an empty audience.
Shinji got to work cleaning the utensils from the day's lunches, while Asuka grabbed a soft drink from the fridge and sat on the couch. She turned the TV on and began flipping through channels
She heard the faucet turn off, and a moment later, Shinji entered the lving room, sitting on a beanbag chair in front of the couch.
He turned to her. "I hope... I hope everything was alright for you today."
"Yeah. Fine." She said back quickly. At least he hasn't apologized yet.
He gave her a placating smile before turning to face the TV again.
Asuka watched along, but every so often, she stole glances at him.
A/N: Thanks for the feedback on the last chapter guys!
After working more on this and Yui's Words, I decided I want to continue this, but focus more on Yui's Words. I'll try and do at least a chapter each month for this until that one is finished, but I also need to take some time away from this one to plan things out. I've been fighting a fair amount of writer's block, so the time away will help me figure out what I wanna do. The main thing is the next few chapters. I have a ton of scenes planned and a few already written for later in the story, I just need to get there. it's tough. Sorry :/. But hey, I'm updating Yui's Words weekly, and I have a lot to do there so check it out!
Shoutout to the Asushin Mega Empire discord, it's a fun place and being able to talk to other authors has really been helpful!
Reviews? Reviews.
calborghete: I have something in mind for Asuka discovering the truth about Shikinami. The NGE-vs.-Rebuild-Asuka element of the story is one I'm fond of, and I have ideas for it.
skyf0x: I do plan to include 3.0 + 1.0 stuff in some form, but if I get to that point in my story and I either haven't seen it or it hasn't become available in North America, this story will go on hold. That's a ways away though, so for now I'll keep on at my pace. Having Asuka repeat her mantra is her in denial, trying to convince herself that she only needs herself. It'll be touched upon.
GreatUltracrepidarianMaximus: Though post-EoE Shinji and Asuka can be a but complicated, I'm planning to be as careful as I can, making the right things happen at the right time. I think doing what I'm doing helps with that.
Romulo Nidoking BR: I'm glad you enjoyed the scenes in the apartment. I do plan to have more scenes that are in a similar vein for the two of them.
MisterHalt: I told you this in Discord, but your review put that idea in my head. He'll be back, but including him watching from afar wasn't something I had thought of. Thank you. Also, to be fair, he did threaten them with more MP-Evas.
YourBlandestNightmare: The man himself is on board! I'm glad you like my interpretation of Shinji/Asuka. Them being resentful but cooperative makes a lot of sense, and I think the remise of my story amplifies that.
Guest: Thanks, champ.
tomdj1701: I'm glad you like my premise. NGE Shinji/Asuka is a compelling pair to write about/
Next Time: Shinji and Asuka adjust to their alternative circumstances more and figure out what's so different in Chapter 4: A Different Feeling!