It was an entire week after I spoke to Hikigaya, before I had the courage to show up at the Student Council office.
I'm standing in front of their door now, trying my best to contain the nervous tremors in my body. My hands, as a matter of habit, were squeezing the edges of my skirt, and my knees were trembling so much that I felt my legs would bend eventually and I would fall to the floor like a broken mannequin. I swallowed, fixed the straps of the school bag one more time, and reached out to the doorknob. My hand shuddered and stopped halfway.
"Come on, get it together! Do you agree to concede? Prove to him you're worth something!"
It's easier said than done. I've always lacked courage and determination, except when I was a kid. In those times, I didn't have any fear and wasn't afraid of almost anything, even rats. I chased them at any opportunity — couldn't stand the rodents.
But then bravery went out of my character. I guess I was just affected by certain things that happened after. Maybe something else — I don't want to dig into the past.
Since middle school, I've loved to be the center of attention, but with no responsibility on my part. Of course, now over time, that desire didn't go away.
But to prepare for the Cultural Festival, everything was quite different. Yes, everyone looked at me and they listened to me. But there was this huge «but». I had to decide; I had to plan and had to give explicit instructions. In one word, I should have acted like a leader, not a scared girl. Just like Hikigaya said earlier.
Well, what about me? I was so nervous and lost, especially when things got rough, and I couldn't decide. Instead, I tried my best not to give up from inner panic that gripped me. My stomach was cramping and my thoughts were fleeting in all ways like cockroaches from working microwave oven.
I looked pathetic trying to squeeze out something meaningful, and everyone could see it. It's not even worth mentioning that half of the time I do a shoddy job.
Without help of the Service Club, especially Yukinoshita, I would have screwed up dramatically, no doubt. It was very clear to me now. The club president was doing so well that I was crunching my knuckles from jealousy. I wish I could do things like Yukinoshita does.
"And if they refuse to help?" a panicked thought burned my guts. "What will I do? Refuse too? But in this case Hikigaya will win."
No, I'm feeling sick just thinking about it. Yeah, I'll prove that I was worth something. I'll just wait a little and come in.
I stood there with my outstretched and shaking hand like I was asking for something and still hesitating to take the first step. The door suddenly slipped out of the way, and the president of the Student Council appeared in the doorway. I could barely keep myself from jumping out of the blue, but I still flinched. The hand, which was stretched out, fell down on its own.
Senpai also flinched, apparently not expecting to see anyone outside the door. However, her initial surprise quickly turned to recognition.
"Sagami? Why are you here?" she frowned, if only barely.
Do you want to ask me "What are you doing here?"
I wouldn't be shocked if you did, and I can honestly say that you had a lot of trouble with me at the Cultural Festival.
"I..." stop mumbling, you wuss! "I… I wanted to talk a-about the Sports Festival."
Someone, kill me already — Sagami the stammerer. It's a nightmare. I haven't even volunteered yet, and I can't quite put two words together. It made me want to rip off my hair. But wait, I need to calm down — I'm not alone.
"About Sports Festival? Why?" Shiromeguri looked with surprise.
Of course you are surprised.
"You still haven't found the nominee for the chairman, have you?" Oh, I got the phrase out without a hitch, wonderful (this was a sarcasm).
The question on my part was not idle. Before coming here, I carefully inquired about the subject. Thank you for your help, my friends! I mean, if there's already a man for this job, I'd look like a fool to come to Shiromeguri with my candidacy — she'll reject me immediately.
"Why? Are you suggesting someone?"
"Yes. Myself," I thought, but couldn't say anything out loud, only nodding in response. I felt like I'd got my throat squeezed by an invisible hand.
"All right. Come in." She turned around and went back into the deeps of the room.
I followed her, trying to move with ease. It got out of hand badly. I was moving like a zombie who's driven by invisible force, contrary to a normal human being. Oh, it's so hot there. My cheeks are burning.
The small room, not even half of our classroom, was practically empty. However, some students sat here. Three people, to be exact. The same students who had worked in the planning committee at the Cultural Festival — one guy and two girls. All the senpai were sitting behind two shifted desks to the left of the entrance, looking through and sorting some documents placed on countertop.
When girls saw me, they immediately stop their work and whispered. The only guy in the room barely smirked and shrunk the sheet of paper he was holding in his hand, sending it into the trash bin. Their reaction makes a powerful impact on my confidence. In a negative way. Oh, how can I volunteer for something in a situation like this?
This is a paradox, of course, but because of all the anxiety I'm feeling right now, I stopped paying attention to the whispering and quietly giggling girls and the interior decoration of the Student Council office. I focused entirely my attention on the back of Shiromeguri, behind whom I waddled.
The president and I walked right past them to her desk with some neatly folded centered stacks of paper. You can talk all you want; it doesn't matter to me at all. Ugh, Hikigaya, I repeat your own words.
"You can offer your candidate, I'm listening," briefly said Shiromeguri, sitting in a worn out black leather chair with shrunken armrests.
"M-my… myself," a whisper left my lips. It was barely audible.
"Who?" president didn't catch it. "Sagami, please speak louder."
"Myself."
This time she heard me, because her eyebrows flew up from astonishment, and she was gaping at me with her mouth cracked.
"Do you want to volunteer for the chairwoman?"
I nodded.
"Y-Yeah."
Shiromeguri frowned and started thinking.
"Guys!" she exclaimed to the others. "Will you please leave us alone?"
It was like senpai simply read my mind. This was pretty scary, I must admit.
"Okay!"
"As you say!"
"Of course!"
The answers of the others almost blended into one voice.
"That's what I call respect!" I thought with envy. "I would be glad if I'd gained such respect from others."
The president waited for them to get out and close the door, and then she said one word.
"Why?"
And then, silence...
What can I tell her? If I say that I bet with Hikigaya, then she'll reject me at once. If I try to lie, she'll tell me I'm lying. I'm sure she'll detect it pretty easily, thanks to her speaking experience with people. I'd have to think of a plausible reason, but there was just a cosmic emptiness in my head.
Meanwhile, at first neutral look on the face of the school president changed to impatient.
"Sagami," she said with her inherent softness, but with authority, "my time isn't rubber."
I know, I know! Come on, say something, you wimp!
"I... I want to be good" I finally laid an egg (metaphorically)!
"You are saying you want to be good," Shiromeguri skeptically frowned, "that is, of course, commendable, but explain what you mean by this phrase."
I realized that if I didn't step on my pride just once, I wouldn't get anywhere. I am so-o-o mad at you right now, Hikigaya!
"I wasn't good at my job. I often was late and everything..." my voice was treacherously trembling.
It was really hard to get over myself. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Shiromeguri just nodded in agreement.
"I've been dumping my work on others," I said this a little louder.
Another nod from school president.
"I was very indecisive" my voice grew stronger and stopped trembling.
One more nod.
"I was bleating on the stage like a stupid sheep!" I almost screamed while holding back the tears.
Honestly, my most embarrassing moments of Cultural Festival took place right there. I was so ashamed, I just wanted to hang myself. "Why?" you may ask. Let me explain.
First, I was so nervous because of everyone's attention on me that my legs froze in place before I reached the taped center of the stage and my hands were trembling. But let's forget about those damn hands — it scared me to death, therefore I can't begin my speech at all. But when I finally had raised right hand to say something in wireless microphone, all I had got was an ear-splitting EEEEEEEEEEEENG howled out. I had stopped immediately while audience bursted into laughter. But even when it had subsided, it's like my mouth was caught. Shiromeguri had to come out a second time to shake me up with her words. I want to die right there because of terrible shame that had engulfed me.
Second, when I pulled out the clue card, I couldn't hold it in my shaking hands and dropped it on the stage floor. I immediately had a cold sweat because I forgot all the words. Refusing to believe my eyes, all I had to do was watching it fall like in slow-motion movie. The card's hit on the floor drowned out all the other sounds, and the scene tangibly shifted beneath my feet. I almost fainted there. And if I used to be pale, like a canvas, in that moment I became red as a ripe tomato. Laughs in the audience erupted again, and I had to get down to the knees in front of everyone (in front of everyone, mind you!) if I wanted to lift that damn clue card off the floor or else I couldn't have said anything on my own. Dear God, what a disgusting humiliation…
"Do you best!" shouted some people in the crowd. Seriously, I should have done my best and die before I even got onstage, avoiding such horrific embarrassment.
And finally, my speech. I was literally squeezing words out when I held the clue card in the quivering hand. I should remember them by heart and shout loudly, turning on everyone there. But what about me? Completely out of my mind, I read my own name on the card while terror twisted my insides thus keeping me from looking up from a small rectangle sheet of hard paper because I was afraid to see the mockery and contempt in the eyes of the audience. I could barely read hieroglyphics for reasons of shame and anxiety. Hence I said words monotonously with no expression, passion, enthusiasm. And I was stuttering. It was a colossal contrast with Shiromeguri's opening speech.
"Let's dance and sing a song."
I mean, seriously, the way I put it out, you may have said that at one's funeral. Yeah, right, at Sagami Minami's funeral. Social, to be precise. A stammerer and a paraplegic would have done better than me. And yes, even that jerk could do it better than me. I wanted to die right there on the stage.
Oh yeah, in this damned place, time after time, I received hard blows to my ego and self-esteem. Those strikes crushed mercilessly at me.
The last speech was a total shame. My face was burning with embarrassment, and after the last speech, I absolutely can't call it that. I cried my eyes out behind the curtains. And now my shoulders are trembling. Tears are coming out of my eyes, and they're leaking again. I know I must not cry. But I have almost no strength to contain those tears.
As this bastard Hikigaya correctly pointed out, I wanted people to look for me. I felt insignificant and pathetic, completely useless. I wanted words of support to feel needed and meaningful again. Did I want that much? However, looking back, I must admit that the idea of escaping turned out to be rather stupid. If Hikigaya hadn't guessed where I was, I certainly wouldn't have been found. This would be a scandal for all scandals: the chairwoman of the planning committee got cold feet, leaving at the most crucial moment — the closing ceremony of the festival is even more important than its opening. One can say that he saved me from even more shame (not so sure about that). I can imagine what a terrible stain I would get on my reputation, plus the contempt of the entire school, without excluding many teachers.
However, I was so angry at my classmate for his humiliating words on the roof and in front of witnesses that my hands were itching for to punch him right there. If we were alone, he would have received a punch in the face, but Hayato and my friends' presence forced me to restrain my emotional impulse — I took revenge on him in another way. And that's how the rumors were born.
"Okay-okay now, Sagami, calm down," senpai's face softened, and she gave me a big hug. I stuck my nose in the base of her neck, "as soon as I could see you were pretty worried about your, uh, not-so-successful experience."
You mean, for total failure? I won't object to the obvious things and you don't have to sweating the pot — I don't really care anymore.
The president held me in a warm embrace for a while before she pulled away. Furtively, I sniffed my nose and snuck away the tears that had come out by my sleeve. I despise myself right now. I felt myself pretty miserable now, like a wet fowl, but despite of that I have so much arrogance that would more than enough for four people at least.
"But can you handle things being the chairwoman?" she looked at me in the eyes.
Don't look away. Just don't look away. But, dear mommy, it's so hard.
"I'll do my best," I replied, and unwittingly swallowed.
"That may not be enough."
"I'll ask for help from the Volunteer club," I almost whispered, feeling the ground slipping under my feet.
"Hmm, you are looking for their help…" thoughtfully said the president. Her eyes became detached. "I don't know if they would help you after the events of the school festival..."
I put my head down, admitting defeat. Senpai is right, they won't agree to help. My hands are rubbing the edges of my school skirt now. So, Hikigaya will win, right? I don't want to lose to him, but...
"However, let's try," Shiromeguri sighed. I raised my head with hope while she continued, "there is little time left and we haven't any other candidate. We didn't know what to do. Maybe it's a good thing that you came."
The journey to the volunteer club seemed to be long, very long. It seemed that endless corridors wouldn't end forever: turns, stairs, passages...
With my head full of nervousness, I lost all sense of direction in space, and I just mindlessly was walking after Shiromeguri like a stupid minion after its master, trying not to let her go. My heart pounded furiously in my chest, as if it wanted to jump out and ran away like the frightened hare, and it was pounding in my ears. Ooh, I'm not feeling well.
As we approached the club door, I suddenly felt a lightness in my head, and then I felt dizzy. It seemed the floor was turning, and the hallway was bending like a giant snake. The senpai's body swung and went somewhere on the wall.
I was struggling with the nausea that came from just nowhere. It's never been like this before! I stopped instinctively and leaned against the wall I was walking next to and closed my eyes. And then I felt so bad that it was very hard to hold on my feet. My ears were swollen, and my sense of time was lost...
"…gami, what's wrong with you?" someone was pulling my shoulders.
"Huh?" I opened my eyes and blinked several times.
I saw Shiromeguri's troubled face.
"Sagami, are you sure you're okay? I've been bothering you for, like, fifteen seconds."
She stepped back without letting go of me with their anxious gaze.
"There is no face on you, kohai."
"There i-is noth-thing to fear. I… I just w-was getting nerv-vous, not a big deal."
Senpai gave me a mistrustful look, but decided not to press further.
"Okay. Wait here, I'll call you. But if you felt sick, you let me know, right?"
I nodded in agreement. Shiromeguri nodded back and knocked, she then opened the door and walked in.
"Hey! How it's going?"
"Oh-oh, yahallo, Megurin!"enthusiastically responded certain airhead person from the inside.
Senpai left the door open so I could hear the voices inside the room as well. Did she do that on purpose?
Yeah, it doesn't matter. I'd rather listen to their conversation. And I aren't eavesdropping, mind you — senpai said herself to wait here. And so, I'm waiting.
After mutual greetings, the President of the Student Council came to the point:
"The Sports Festival will begin in a few weeks, but we don't have a candidate to lead it. Well, we hadn't ten minutes ago."
"But that's great!" Yuigahama's voice exclaimed. "I mean, that you found him. Or her…"
Then I heard a familiar "Hmm". I recognize this voice among the thousands of others. Hikigaya…
"I also have one candidate in my mind," another voice, a freezing one, easily cut the space like hot knife cuts butter.
Ho, what an interesting pun I just made.
I had involuntarily shivered. It seemed the cold of the eternal winter was blowing from the open door of the clubroom. Yukino Yukinoshita was called «The Ice Queen» for a reason — she fully and completely deserved her nickname. Her cold behavior made me feel uncomfortable.
But she was talking about some sort of candidate! Those words immediately threw me back into the heat because the odds of getting the job were running low. I strained my hearing at the same time as I tried to calm my heart-beating.
"And who is that?" immediately Shiromeguri has exclaimed. "Do you really want to offer yourself? That would be great!"
"There is so much hope in her words, as if somebody's life depends on the answer," I thought gloomily.
Yes, if Yukinoshita becomes a chairwoman, then my already slim chances were getting almost null able. But how fast senpai grasped the opportunity. However, president of the Student Council can be understood — Yukinoshita is much better than I as leader. My pounding heart immediately received a painful shot from jealousy. I want to be as successful in everything as she is.
"No. Not myself but Sagami."
What?! I almost choked on surprise. The Queen had decided to uplift one of the peasants? I guess, my ears are failing me.
"I'm against it" instantly said Hikigaya's voice.
"Me too" this was Yugahama.
My palms shrunk into my fists. So much that my nails got into my skin. Two against one.
"You'll be working for both of you, and she don't lift a finger."
"You'll get sick again and go down."
Yukinoshita was ill? I don't recall that.
"This time it will be different," an icy voice calmly answered.
Yukinoshita's words stirred something in me. I had stopped listening to them and started thinking. The fact that the president of the Volunteer club nominated me for the chair in all honesty took me by surprise. I wouldn't expect anything like that from her.
For a moment, there was a feeling of gratitude for her, which I had quickly suppressed to cut off any stupid thoughts. She's just feeling sorry for me, and it's not that big of a deal. And pity is humiliating, by the way. So I'm going to assume that she's pursuing her own, if yet obscure, agenda. Yeah, I will.
My thinking didn't stop indoor conversation. When I came back to reality, I just heard the big question.
"Megurin, who's your candidate?" asked Yuigahama. "You said nothing about him."
To tell the truth, I'm terribly annoyed by the way she puts endings on the names. No, I'm angry with her, to be honest. And she totally ignores you, not liking it. She's adding these stupid endings and all! This sometimes makes me want to gag her to keep her quiet.
"You will discover soon," Shiromeguri answered in a mysterious tone, and I heard footsteps approaching.
A few seconds later, the president's head popped out of the doorway.
"Come in!" And immediately disappeared, swinging two short pigtails.
Well, hello, my point of no return. If I go inside, it'll be too late to back out and I'll have to pull the strings of a leader of which I'm terrified. If I refuse, I can breathe lightly and live as I have ever lived. This is so-o-o tempting, if you think about it. But then I can't prove anything to that creep Hikigaya.
That's not going to happen! I inhaled and exhaled twice, collecting my will in my fist. Very tiny fist. You could say mouse's knuckle. Okay, it's time. I can't wait any longer.
As I came out of the wall, I felt the blood drain from my face and I had another bout of weakness, but I overcame it. I walked towards the door on almost bending legs. Then the lightness in the head and the dizziness came back.
"Will it happen again?" A sad thought has materialized. "Bad timing!"
Like ghost shadow I appeared in the door and was immediately cross-eyed by everyone in the room: two astonished, one testing, and one openly hostile. Well, the last one is clearly whose.
"Sagamin!" Yuigahama gasped, utterly shocked.
Shut up! The stupid endings you put on the first names make me angry. Surprised Hikigaya oinked, or made a very similar sound: I only saw pigs on TV, even though I was born in the village. I'm internally laughing now, even irritation with Yuigahama has gone.
The tension was gone a little, but my face must have looked like snow right now. It made me think I was going to have a nervous giggle: Sagami the Ghost. Fear me, puny mortals!
"You?" Yukinoshita was as surprised as Yuigahama.
"Well, once again came your 'star hour', isn't it, Minami?" A snide thought came up. "If you mumble again, then you'll embarrass yourself and you'll faint before you know it. It's funny, isn't it?"
I threw it away and walked up to the club president. More correctly said, I hobbled all the way — my legs were like chunks of lead.
"Yes, I am."
The sharp eyes of the two blue ice caps pierced through me.
"Come to think of it, she volunteered yourself to," Yuigahama mumbled in meanwhile.
I'm nowhere to go, traitor. I have little of a choice: it's «bad» or «super bad».
Unable to look away, I continued to look silently at the head of the club. Yukinoshita, like an owl, stares back, not blinking.
The sun outside was already tilting down and was in my eyes, gradually painting the interior of the room in yellow-orange tones.
"I'd like to know your motivation" Yukinoshita's cold and demanding voice has finally broken the grinding silence.
I shuddered and lowered my eyes. She's so scary.
"I want to be good," with a trembling voice I told to the floor, "To prove to myself and others that I can... that they can rely me upon."
Silence was the only answer. As I overcame myself, I continued.
"I'll t-try as h-hard as I c-can."
I said this, while stuttering, and still felt the pressure of Yukinoshita's look. What more do you want? Please stop looking at me like that — I'm holding on to my last strength. No more annoyance, no more resentment. All I've been doing right now is taking psychological pressure and not breaking morally.
With a colossal effort of will (to quell the vehement protest of pride), I stood with both hands on the edge of the desk and bowed. The school bag slipped off my shoulder and hung on my wrist, but I didn't notice this. I have to say one more thing, take the last and the hardest step.
"I'm asking for your help."
My voice fell silent, and silence reigned again. I was relieved to feel that Yukinoshita's eye-pressing had disappeared, but I was not yet ready to straighten up. All you could hear was Yuigahama's loud snort and my rattling breath, and Hikigaya was still keeping silence like a dead man. Senpai didn't feel at all. However, silence didn't last long.
"Well, if so," the head of the club's voice is suddenly getting warm, "We'll help you, Sagami."
I almost fell from the relief and the weakness that followed. I did it. Yes, I did! I had made it! However, I had no strength left for joy and delight. I felt exhausted at the moment, like an orange in a blender. I want to go home. Badly.
Somehow I straightened out and awkwardly returned the bag to its rightful place, then I met with Yukinoshita's look again. A smile touched the corners of her lips and coldness disappeared from her eyes.
"We'll help you" she repeated.
"T-thank you," I stammered and then looked at Shiromeguri, "May I go?"
Of course, I should have stayed a little more and talked about the general points, but I was just on my last legs — I was freaking out for a quarter of an hour. Senpai nodded — she understood my inner state with one glance.
"Yes, yes, of course. Meet me after school tomorrow."
"All right."
Slowly, almost mechanically, I turned around and headed for the exit. The weakness intensified with every step taken, and I suddenly realized that the room was blurring before my eyes.
Oh, no. Please, don't. It's better to be later and at home.
When I approached to Hikigaya, I turned my head to him, tried to make a malevolent smile — you lost! But the smile, a hundred percent true, turned out to be exhausted and pathetic.
I was whisked to the right, so I had to lean back on his desk, hanging over a blurred spot now representing a classmate of mine. I'm not sure, but he seemed a little shaken up — my eyesight was failing me.
"Sagami, are you feeling sick again?" senpai said with worry.
"Noth-thing…" I barely squeezed out as I struggled to overcome crushing weakness. It pulled me to the flour with terrible force.
O-oh, I really don't feel well. I'm sure as eggs than I'm going to have another attack. With an incredible amount of effort, I tried to straighten myself out. It worked, but I had got colored circles in my eyes, then my vision went dark, and the head turned into a light balloon. I realised with a late surprise that I had stopped feeling my body.
And then everything was consumed by the darkness...