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We got a television set on New Year's. It was a big CRT tv, like the ones they'd wheel up at school. Old-fashioned to me, but in Konoha, they'd just come out with color and quickly became one of 'The Three Sacred Treasures'. The phrase was originally used to represent the primary virtues of valor, wisdom, and benevolence. The physical embodiment of these virtues being the Kusanagi sword, Yata mirror, and Yasakani jewel. But of course, these things were different in the Naruto-verse. The Kusanagi sword was Orochimaru's, then Sasuke's. And the Yata mirror was a part of Itachi's Susanoo. I had no idea about the jewel, but the phrase was still used to coin the three great appliances that existed in this world: refrigerators, air conditioners, and color tv sets. By the time we were five, we had all three.
"It's bigger than the one at school," Rin bragged good-naturedly after I used our new tv as an excuse to invite Kurenai over.
"Yippee!" Hifumi cheered, swinging her arms in front of her and interlacing her fingers. Having overheard our plans at school, she had shamelessly invited herself, piggybacking on Kurenai's invitation. "It'll be like going to the movie theaters then."
"Can we watch 'Kimiko Charm'?" Kurenai asked.
"Oh! That's a magical girl show isn't it?" Rin twirled around and began to walk backward. Ever since the four of us had left the academy she couldn't keep the delighted smile off her face. While I was glad she was so happy, I really didn't want Hifumi to be in our apartment. To potentially see our room and the notebook kept hidden along the backside of our bookshelf. That being said, making a big spectacle about it would be even more suspicious. Not only that, but everyone would think I was a jerk. Not that I cared about what people thought of me, but gaining a bad reputation would doubtlessly affect Rin too.
"Yeah," Kurenai nodded. "I saw a few episodes at a restaurant once."
"I think I've seen a few too!" Hifumi blurted out, but no one ever took offense to her gregarious attitude, no one but me that is. Unlike actual children, I didn't immediately fall in love with anyone who showered me with attention.
Hifumi went on rambling about the episode she thought she saw. Along with the shocking plot twist at the end where the villain for the episode turned out to be the long-lost father of one of the heroines. Then she clasped her hand over her mouth for having given away the giant spoiler.
I nearly scuffed out loud. She pretended to be this total ditz who didn't know any better, and everyone ate it up and forgave her for all the silly things she said. I had to admit it, Hifumi was smart. Almost suspiciously so. If she could navigate her way through situations so easily, why wasn't she at the top of our class yet? I examined the back of her head, the split of her pigtails, and the line of scalp between them as if any of this would give some indication of ulterior motives.
She caught me staring. Very casually, her head tilted backward, and I saw how quickly she shifted between faces. From the innocent child to a conspirator. Goading me.
Just like that, I thought. If I could somehow convince her to get to the top of the class then I wouldn't have to worry about Rin being on Team Minato. Who knows what kind of consequences would stem from this. But I was convinced that if I got Rin to avoid certain fates, she would surely be spared from the ultimate one, from Kakashi's chidori.
Hifumi flashed me a wink before turning back around.
Honestly, why had I been so anxious? She was a five-year-old, not some machiavellian antagonist. Besides, she may be smart, but she wasn't as smart as she thought she was.
By the time we got to our apartment, Hifumi had finished explaining the so-called "brilliant" premise of Kimiko Charm, and Rin and Kurenai were both pretty excited to watch it. Right away going to the living room and trying to figure out how to work the tv.
Hifumi made a big show of "ooooh-ing" and "aaaaah-ing" at every little thing. While Kurenai seemed generally interested in how it worked. Rin took some time to relay what dad had told us, about how the antenna on the roof brought all the channels we wanted to our screen through Chakra. Now that had been a surprise when I had first heard it. Looking back, I guess it should have been obvious, but the idea that Chakra could basically be used as a substitute for so many other forms of energy was still a little baffling.
"I'll get some snacks," I announced, going to the kitchen as they remained huddled around the television set. From a distance, I could notice all the little things I hadn't seen before, like the unfinished jigsaw puzzle scattered under the coffee table, or the many spots on the hardwood that have been stained at one time or another. Kurenai's face was polite and blank; attentive while Rin spoke and interested in what was being said, but not so interested as to intrude. Hifumi didn't bother with formalities. From the moment we walked in she'd tried to take everything in at once一to inhabit the place without ever having lived here and, probably having already counted all the dozens of pieces from that stupid jigsaw puzzle. Then there are the closed doors of the bedrooms, which to her must just be stuffed full of mysteries.
I had forgotten to take out the trash the other day, so behind me, the garbage can was stuffed full. Cans of beer and styrofoam takeout. Smashed cardboard and leftovers that went bad in the fridge. I opened the tiny window above the sink, praying it wouldn't make the place too cold. Then went off searching for suitable snacks to serve.
Eventually, I found some rice crackers and scattered them into a bowl. Rin had turned on the tv and it exploded with color. Mom had bought one of those awful tacky plastic screens to go over it. It was supposed to make the colors look brighter, but it gave off this gaudy-rainbow sheen, like looking through a prism. I thought it was distracting, but neither of us dared to take it off.
When I placed the rice crackers on the table Kurenai looked slightly disappointed. I remembered our first encounter when she turned down my cake and felt a whole new flash of embarrassment heat up my face.
"Hey, Kure-chan sit by me!" Hifumi held out her arms to the girl like she was reaching towards something precious. She glanced at me over Kurenai's head, having no doubt witnessed my reaction to all of this, and now sent me a little smile as if to say "you're welcome!"
"Mmmmm! These crackers are so yummy!" Hifumi further exclaimed. On the tv, an advertisement was playing, and Rin had brought out some blankets from the closet making the couch even cozier. "Thanks for getting them Sachie!"
"Yeah, no problem." I offered, taking a seat on the floor in front of where Rin was on the couch. The show started to play but during the advertisements, they always started talking again. Simple things like their favorite foods or animals or color, or really their favorite anything.
"So you like genjutsu right Kurenai?" I offered. Curious about Kurenai's background.
"It's okay, why?"
"Umm," I scrambled for a clear reason. "It's just that a lot of kunoichi's go into genjutsu.
"That's rather close-minded of you, Sachie." Hifumi acted offended, but I could see the mirth flitting through her eyes. My jaw almost dropped in shock. One moment she was defending me, and in the next, I was the target.
"Geez, I didn't mean it like that," I mumbled. No doubt Hifumi was ticking off her mental observation list that I was defensive or something stupid like that.
"Well, to be honest, I just thought a girl like you would have aspirations to become the next Tsunade-sama."
I was pretty sure Hifumi had never been honest in her entire life, and I had no clue why she thought I looked up to Tsunade of all people.
"But then again," Hifumi continued. "I guess you're more like Jiraiya-sama since you're so into code and cipher."
I almost rolled my eyes. Obviously, she was talking about what I had written in the notebook. Then again, there was my previous lie to Rin where I had told her I was developing a secret language for us. It was possible Hifumi could have overheard that as well. Since I couldn't make any assumptions about what she knew, I went along with it.
"We don't start cipher until our third year," I pointed out calmly. "But you're right, I'm a pretty big fan of Jiraiya-sama. In fact, I even have a signed copy of his book!"
This wasn't totally a lie, and I think Hifumi could sense that. Especially when Rin revealed that I had cried the first time I read it. I lightly jabbed Rin in the ribs, a true smile gracing my lips, which really sealed the whole deal.
"Oh maybe I can borrow it sometime," she pushed.
"Sure, it's called The Tale of the Utterly Gutsy Shinobi. I can go get it if you'd like?"
Gosh, I felt like a real housewife with all these saccharine smiles.
"Wow, that's a mouthful! And maybe later."
Then Kimiko Charm came back on and a hush fell over the room as it was revealed that the villain was actually the look-alikeevil half-brother of the heroine's father. I guess Hifumi hadn't spoiled it all.
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April came and went, and the next school year started quietly. During this time, the friendship between Rin and Kurenai strengthened, but so did their friendship with Hifumi. The rest of the class had also formed deeper attachments to their groups. Kurenai's old pal's had assimilated with some of the older would-be kunoichis and now thought they were better than everyone else. Something else strange happened, Gai had become the class-punching bag solely due to him being the son of Dai Maito the Eternal Genin. And now that we were starting Taijutsu, kids weren't afraid to practice their newfound moves on him.
I didn't really see what the big deal was. There were plenty of career genin. Their existence was akin to government officials. Since the Hidden Villages were all so heavily founded around the presence of shinobi, only shinobi were allowed to divulge into even slightly sensitive information like mail, taxes, or even public services. It was basically openly acknowledged that any mail going in or out of Konoha would be opened and examined for potential threats. Once someone had even tried to smuggle sealed weapons through the sewer system. It had made the headlines of the paper, but this was just the information they allowed to be published. I was sure there were plenty of other crimes happening right beneath our noses. In fact, they had probably only shed light on the smuggling incident to scare us.
After all, war tensions had been growing since our New Year's break when Sakumo Hatake had returned from his failed mission and committed suicide. I didn't know what to think about that. I hadn't even learned about the news when it happened or in any regular way. Here's how the bomb was dropped. I was walking home from school with Rin, it was probably a Saturday because it was still midday and the sun was hot and bright. I remember thinking it was weird how upset everyone seemed to be. A mother walking her small son gave us a vicious glare for having been in her way for a grand total of two seconds. And then there were all the shinobi hanging around muttering in low voices yet engrossed with every word.
I insisted we stop at a small restaurant and buy some snacks even though we were supposed to be saving money. Rin humored me, although neither of us felt very amused. I think we both knew instinctively that something very wrong had happened. I lingered by the glass cases, staring at red bean buns and taro jelly listening in to the group of shinobi behind me.
How dare he, they said. Did he think he was a samurai? Did he think he had honor?
Seppuku, they spat out like it was a dirty word.
I threw my hands up screaming and kicking. Cussing them out while flailing around my arms. My knuckles turned white as I began pummelling them into the ground. Then I smiled this trivial little smile as they licked their wounds.
No, I just made up that last part. In reality, Rin and I paid for our desserts, and when we left I shoved a whole bun in my mouth without chewing it or anything. I just let it sit there and felt like I was choking on tears instead of a wad of bread. Which was pretty ridiculous considering I didn't know the man. Now that I think of it, it had nothing to do with whether I knew him or not because I knew his circumstance, I knew what it was like to do what you thought was right only to have the ground crumble beneath your feet. And there's something very pure and noble about that, about doing what you believe regardless of the consequences. I couldn't say that I completely agreed with it, or even that I would have done the same if it were me choosing over my friends or a war. Yet I couldn't help but feel a certain respect for Sakumo Hatake if nothing else.
For the rest of that day, I was despondent and had a terrible attitude.
"She's in one of her moods," mom said offhandedly. I nodded and went to my room taking my notebook out of its hiding place and marked a thin line through Sakumo's death.
If I had to guess, Sakumo's death also played into why people disliked Dai Maito so much. Once the war was officially on the horizon, patriotism was pushed at an all-time high in the academy and all over Konoha. It wasn't that he was a career genin, but a genin who still had ambitions of becoming a chunin, instead of simply accepting the rank of genin and toiling over menial security work for the rest of his life. Right now not supporting the war effort was considered unforgivable. But I didn't really know enough about the Maito's to make any judgments. And neither did the group of girls who giggled and jeered at Gai every chance they got.
"Those girls are really stupid," I said once without thinking.
"You think so?" Hifumi asked, dividing her food with her chopsticks. It was a lazy afternoon when everyone was burned out by the workload. "Could it be that you actually like Gai-san?"
I grimaced because of course, Hifumi was trying to insinuate that I had some type of crush on Gai. Like everything else, this was intentional and said in such a playful manner that no one was any wiser to the malicious undertones.
However, seeing my face Rin spoke up for me. "It's not like that. They just don't have to be so mean to him for no reason."
"I guess you're right," Hifumi backed down, she always did when someone else got involved. "I mean we're all going to be genin in a few years, and I bet half of those girls will never go higher than that."
"Yuzuki certainly won't," Kurenai remarked, and Hifumi appeared very amused.
"Hey, we shouldn't go bad-mouthing them." Rin pointed out. "Even if they are mean."
Hifumi let out this strange little chuckle. "Really?" She said, not in disbelief but more like she was relistening to a conversation she'd heard many times before. "Maybe that's why girls like Yuzuki do it then because no one's going to give them a taste of their own medicine."
"I don't think that's why," Rin carried on without missing a beat. "Sometimes people just don't know any better."
Rin gave a thoughtful expression as she chewed on a piece of broccoli.
"Like that's any excuse," Hifumi flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Honestly Rin, someday someone's going to take advantage of that goody-two-shoes attitude of yours."
The three of us all looked a little surprised at that. After all, it wasn't everyday Hifumi responded in a less than amicable manner. And if she was playfully joking with one of us, it was always me, never Rin or Kurenai.
"Shut up Hifumi," I responded harshly. Although, It occurred to me that I had played right into her belief, fighting fire with fire. At that moment I couldn't care less until the weirdest thing happened. Instead of getting mad or even the slightest bit affronted Hifumi sent me another one of her conspiring looks. As if she were sending me a signal only I could understand.
The lack of a pupil made it all the more jarring. Then her eyes flicked back, staring forward with a thin smile.
"Wow Sa-chie," she regarded me as if I had been the one to single-handedly offend everyone. "I was just making a joke, no need to bite my head off."
There were plenty of unpleasant things I could say to that but I held my tongue. Unable to shake the feeling that I had gotten the first real view of Hifumi's true thoughts.
I wasn't at all surprised when a few days later there was a rumor spreading around that I was "in love" with Gai. Any other six-year-old would be mortified by this, but I couldn't care less. Their idea of being in love was holding hands and sharing lunches. Yuzuki and all her friends thought the whole thing was hilarious.
"Wow, Sachie...don't tell me-" Haruhi a girl who sat in my aisle called out to me "-Is it the eyebrows?"
The classroom erupted with laughter, but Gai didn't so much as turn around in his seat or give them any kind of indication that he heard. I looked away, my chin in the palm of my hand, and my fingers drummed against my cheek in irritation. More and more Hifumi was branching out to the other friend groups in our class. After school she'd meet up with the studious group, pouring over books in the library and not spreading a word of gossip. During lunch, she always sat with Rin, Kurenai, and me, but I knew for a fact that she chatted in the bathroom with Yuzuki's group. I caught them once when I was in one of the stalls; of course, I had to come out eventually because they saw my shoes, and thus began the rumor that I was a bathroom creeper.
Bathroom creeper evolved into scab picker and then nail biter and by our second year, I had a whole slew of wonderful nicknames to pick from.
Hifumi's popularity only grew when she first extended a hand to the ever-dreaded boys of our class, and it was during this period where Kurenai started talking to Asuma. Asuma was in a league of his own, the son of the Hokage, and besides Kakashi, who had by now already graduated; Asuma was the most notorious student in our class. Teachers either sucked up to him or thought he was a spoiled brat. Students generally thought the same. So while Asuma didn't have the largest friend group, nobody outright excluded him.
How Kurenai bifurcated into this upper-crust echelon, I'll never know, because "bathroom creeper" was exceedingly low on the social ladder when compared to the Hokage's son. And at the very bottom of this ladder was Obito Uchiha. Even Gai was above Obito, and I was above Gai solely due to my one-sided friendship with Hifumi who had started all the rumors in the first place.
Obito was a mystery. He was late all the time, sure, but being late wouldn't put you so low on the class hierarchy. Besides, he was part of a clan, being a part of a clan automatically moved you up a rung, and he wasn't from just any clan either, he was an Uchiha.
I was genuinely at a loss for why he was universally despised. It was unnatural like he was the one who belonged to another world.
I talked to him once, on the first day of our second year. I didn't see him coming, if I did I would have run away.
You see on our first day we were all separated into groups and sorted into different classrooms. It was part of the yearly orientation to meet all the teachers and learn about how the year ahead would go. What sort of content would be covered. They handed out forums for our parents to sign. Agreements for all the hazards that were part of ninja academy. They made us play group games that worked our minds. Some were familiar, like an espionage version of telephone where we passed a secret message around the circle. Others were completely new to me, games that involved chakra, that tested how long we could hold a leaf to our head. I was pleased to see that I was now above average among my peers.
At the end of the day, we were all settled down to write out our goals for this semester. What we hoped to improve on, reflections on what we had already improved on. I hastily scrambled whatever came to my mind, because once we finished we got to leave early. To my absolute dismay, my group had gotten the most hard-headed teacher. Maekawa-sensei took one look at my goal sheet before fixing me with this soul-piercing stare, telling me to go back and do it again.
I wasn't about to argue with a teacher who could disembowel me without a shred of regret. So begrudgingly I trudged back to my desk, and that was when I heard it.
"Do you have a pencil?"
It was so out of the blue that at first, I thought I had imagined it. A pencil. A pencil? I looked in my hand and saw that I was holding a pen, like always. Dad told Rin and me that he only used a pen so that when he made mistakes he'd remember them better in the future.
When I listened again all I could hear was the air conditioner turning on. The low hum of ventilation running through the pipes. He blinked his eyes slowly as if he was saying it again in morse code: do you have a pencil?
"P-pencil?" Those large dark eyes blinked again, then stopped, as if offended, as if I'd reached out and ripped off his eyelids. Was that it? Was that why out of everyone in the room he chose to reach out to me? It occurred to me later that it was probably because I was bathroom creeper and he was outcast Uchiha. We were both losers and he had thought that gave us a kind of mutual respect for one another. It certainly does not, I should have said, I'll see you in hell first!
Instead, I hesitated. It was the first time I got a good look at him and he just looked like a little kid you know? What was I expecting, a half-scarred thirty-year-old man? Yes, yes, beyond all reason that's what I had expected to see. That under the soft skin and dark eyes there was a monster waiting to behold.
There was no resemblance from this Obito, to the one I was familiar with. It made me uncomfortable in a way I had never anticipated.
I licked my lips nervously, although all the saliva in my mouth had dried up. Maekawa-sensei was talking to a student in the back, probably telling them what a terrible job they did on their goal sheet. I snatched a pencil right off of her desk. Plucked it right out of the little cup of highlighters, and pens. I didn't say anything when I placed it in front of Obito. I didn't even look at him. I didn't acknowledge his presence at all. And then I'm gone. Even if stealing from Maekawa-sensei had been my own way of getting back at her for the trouble she put me through, I suddenly can't stand being in the same classroom as him anymore and excuse myself to the bathroom. Alone I sat in the stall fleshing out the rest of my goal sheet with brusque scratches of pen against paper. A few other girls come in and out, they point at my shoes, they whisper about the creepy Nohara twin. They whisper about bathroom creeper.
And they don't get it. They can't understand a thing.
In a few years, half of us will be dead, and all of us will know someone who's dead. If any of them had the ability to truly comprehend that, or if anyone got a real visceral glimpse into our dark future, I wonder how they'd take it. Would they burst into a smile, twirl around and live life to its fullest? Would they become the hero and try to save everyone? Wave a wand and magically stop every conflict imaginable? Because that's what it would take, to be the hero.
And when he looks at me like that, without any idea of his future, or what I know about him, how much I despise him for simply existing; I can't stand it. I want to be the hero. I want to be like him. I want to be like Naruto. I want to be happy and hopeful and optimistic. I really really do...but I can't.
So if there's only one real change I can make. One real difference I get to choose, then I'll spend every breath trying to make it a reality.
And that's it. Not a single person in this awful world can know what it's like.
So they don't get to choose.
I do.
And I'll always choose Rin.
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After the pencil incident, I spent the rest of that first week in abject horror, terrified that he would try to communicate with me again. Communicate, I thought, like sending radio waves to aliens across the galaxy, or smoke signals over a forest. It was something that would have to be done with a great deal of distance.
My worries proved to be unfounded, as a week went by, and then another. Soon enough a month had passed and we started practicing Taijutsu. We didn't jump straight into sparring with one another or anything like that. The Academy, while demanding and rigorous, wasn't about to throw us into any kind of exercises that would hurt us. They were practical, and often employed a one-size-fits-all approach to athletics, meaning it was very easy to get behind. If you weren't meeting the physical marks for long enough you'd drop a class level, and be moved into a different classroom with all the other students who fell behind.
Gai surprised everyone by flourishing under the new curriculum. Scoring top marks in every drill. Obito too did better in class, as academics were pushed aside in favor of fitness. It was solely due to this that he managed to stay in our class instead of falling out a level.
Every day now we practiced katas. Sometimes we went through them slowly, as if we were doing tai chi, other times we had to try to match speed with the teacher, which was nigh impossible for a bunch of six-year-olds. For two weeks several retired shinobi visited us and introduced us to a variety of weapons. Most of us already knew what kenjutsu was, but there was also sojutsu for use of the spear, bojutsu for the staff, and kakushibuki which involved using hidden weapons.
What we learned at our desks reflected this, spending even less time on basic education and more on the atemi, the parts of the human body we were meant to strike in Taijutsu. These were areas with nerves or pressure points, some of which could incapacitate or even kill an opponent. While it was highly unlikely any of us would accidentally kill an opponent in training, we had to learn proper safety. This was made all the more difficult by the nature of Konoha's Taijutsu which relied heavily on brute force and rapidness rather than defensive techniques. The aim of it was to teach us to get out of fights quickly and use other resources such as teammates or jutsu to turn the tide in our favor. If anything, Taijutsu was more of a last resort as it was extremely dangerous to enter close combat with an unknown assailant. Especially those with embowering kekkei genkai, like Gaara or the First Hokage. Or worse, a Hyuuga who could block your chakra points.
Those first few months were pretty overwhelming. I dropped to eighth place in our class and miraculously stayed there. I didn't beat myself up too bad over it because I knew sparring would start in our third month. Right now we only partnered up with a classmate and practiced demonstrations from our textbooks. Carefully applying pressure to complete a certain action, but never enough to seriously harm anyone.
I knew that if I excelled in sparring, getting into the top five would be a cakewalk. So I cut back on running and explained to Rin that everyone was reading ahead outside of class. That everyone would be ahead of us when sparring started if we didn't get an early start too.
"They have clans," I said as if it explained everything. As if the existence of clans was surreptitious, and even bringing it up meant I was risking my life. Rin didn't quite roll her eyes, but it was a near thing. Still, she got up and helped me move all the furniture in our room against the walls.
We set up pillows around the perimeter like a boxing ring, and blankets on the ground.
I then opened up our textbook to a third-year page. "Do you want to try grappling?"
"That's not until next year," Rin glanced at the diagrams. The only reason we weren't yet allowed to perform grappling, and shimewaza choking techniques was because we had to learn resuscitation methods along with them.
"We'll just try to get out of them," I elaborated.
The lethal grappling moves all involved chakra or weapons. They were designed to immobilize. For instance, the first image showed a person with their arm being pinned behind their back. For a shinobi, this was a terrible position to be in because if their arms were broken they would be unable to perform jutsu.
I could see her thinking over the idea in her head. Rin was as competitive as any kid her age. She just wasn't loud about it. She didn't gloat or jab a big sticker on her shirt with a number one. In fact, she hardly mentioned her class ranking at all. Whenever mom asked her about it she'd respond in this morose tone, "I'm first for girls." As if that somehow made it less of an accomplishment.
She wanted to be better, I knew that I wanted to be better too. In a parallel universe, I imagined myself being born without any memories. Becoming jealous of Rin and barely keeping up in school. We'd rekindle later in life. Once both of us had time to grow up and learn how to live without each other. I liked to think that even in that universe we'd be close. That we'd still share some secrets and insecurities every once and a while. And it would have been fair, you know. I wouldn't have her death hanging over my head. I'd worry about normal things, like getting her to forgive me for childhood animosity.
"Grappling," I said again. "Just make it so I can't move ok? And I'll try to force my way out ok?"
Rin gave a brief nod, her hesitance dissolving as she gently pushed my arm behind my back.
It didn't hurt, but it wasn't exactly comfortable either. And if it were an enemy instead of Rin, they surely would have pushed it to the point of breaking. Or perhaps used some kind of jutsu while I couldn't move.
At first, I tried what we learned during school hours. Using brute force to muscle my way out of her hold. However, my elbow had been turned up at such an angle that it couldn't be yanked to the side or thrust upwards.
I struggled for a few minutes. Trying out every direction I could move my joints. My hand was pinned against my back, so unless the attacker had long hair or baggy clothes I wouldn't be able to grab ahold of them. Rin had neither, but physically she wasn't as strong as I was. That's why I had thought I'd be able to pull myself away without much resistance. Unfortunately, that had been the first thing that failed.
"Maybe try to move another part of your body?" Rin suggested not unkindly.
I hemmed and hawed at my shoulder blade as if it could be taken off, as if一
"You're not quite there," a familiar voice spoke at the door.
"Dad!" Rin exclaimed, dropping my arm in excitement. "What are you doing home so early?"
She jumped up to hug him while I slouched over on the ground. Half of my back and upper arm were sore from having been in an unusual position for so long.
"Work at the hospital has been slowing down recently." He twirled Rin in a circle like he did when we were younger. "But you two shouldn't be practicing advanced taijutsu. In a few years, you'll be learning escape techniques that usually require you to break or dislocate a limb."
"What?!" I rolled over so that I was sitting up. "Isn't that too dangerous for school?"
"It's more dangerous to go out there not knowing how to get out of a deadly hold." He put Rin down. "Besides, knowing how to break a bone cleanly makes it easy for medic nin's like me to heal you up quick!"
That's right, I thought, medic nins were essential to long-term battle campaigns. That was probably why there was less work at the hospital now. More medics were being sent out to set up camp on the field. It was easier to station an infirmary anywhere due to lack of machinery and increased use of medical sealing techniques. Still, I hadn't thought we'd be doing anything so difficult even in the later years of the academy. The graduation age was only nine. If someone even took a belt to a nine-year-old back home there would be national outrage.
"Don't look so worried," dad said, seeing my expression. "There will be experienced medic nin's at the academy when they first walk you through those procedures."
I had noticed that. At least once a month experienced guests came in to instruct us. Even in kunoichi classes, we had a group of lacquerware crafters visit from Tanigakure. They brought with them enough pine plates for everyone, and enough lacquer to cover it several times over. Then they showed us how to even the surface with rice paste, and how to decorate with abalone shells and golden-colored powder.
"Hey, dad?" Rin asked. "Being a medic-nin must be really important then?"
"Of course it is!" He puffed out his chest, jabbing a thumb towards himself. "After all, it's the career I choose!"
I scuffed out loud, and dad sent me this squinty look. Like he just couldn't believe that I found his pizzazz over the top. Most kids eat that stuff up. Rin definitely did with the way she was staring up at him as if a star was dangling right from the ceiling.
"Is that the reason you chose it then?" Rin spoke rather serenely and in an undeniably curious tone. "Because it is important?"
"No, not really," he gave a small laugh. "It was just what my sensei advised for me at the time."
I nearly scuffed again at just how practical it is. Because that's the way the ninja world works. There's no following your dreams, or standing out, or making it big. You do a good job by doing what you're told. And there was no way for dad to sugar-coat that.
Yet, just as I let loose my little smirk of triumph, dad starts speaking again. Sensing through what must be parental instincts that we're approaching a milestone. That a few more words might just change things forever.
"At first I couldn't really understand it," he leans against our overturned dresser. "Tsunade-sama went in a revolutionized the medical nin's position on a team, and there suddenly became a great demand for it. I worked hard and studied to pass the exam for Konoha, not because my sensei told me to. Not even for myself."
He gave a little chuckle and rubbed his hitai-ate. "I guess I mean to say, you're not making yourself more important by taking care of someone else. You're giving someone the strength to take care of themselves."
Rin looked up with an expression I'll never forget. It was something like relief. Like an answer to a question she had been searching for all her life had suddenly dropped into her lap. And there was astonishment, and surprise, but more than anything there was joy.
And maybe it's the way she smiles. How she's shy about it at first, how she's not quite sure what to do with this miracle, but something about it all made my heart falter for just an instant.
"Dad, do you think I could do something like that too?"
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After summer break, classes started up again, and the days became shorter until we were walking home every night in the pitch dark. I spent less time running, and more with Rin in our room trying out various approaches to the stances we would learn in school. When Rin wasn't with me she was with dad studying anatomy and physiology. I hated learning about those things so instead, I spent my time trying to improve my chakra control.
Recently, in kunoichi classes, we'd practiced sitting in seizas. The importance of the seiza was that it was difficult to make any sudden movements while sitting this way. For this reason, it was used as a safety precaution for sitting with someone indoors. Eventually, your legs would become numb as the posture needed to maintain it cuts off circulation. However, with chakra, this could be avoided. Needless to say, using chakra to modify body functions required above-average chakra control. And not all of us were expected to achieve this.
For Rin this was no problem, her chakra control was already top-notch. Hifumi and Kurenai were similarly gifted. I secretly hoped my poorer control meant my chakra reserves were growing, but I was pretty sure that notion was all in my head.
On Sundays, we had school off, and would sometimes invite Hifumi and Kurenai over. Kimiko Charm had stopped producing new episodes, so instead, we would watch movies or whatever had been taped on the VCR while we were at school. All the newer movies were filled with propaganda, but that didn't make them bad一 one was eerily similar to Casablanca.
Other things had changed too. In school, our lunches started containing more supplements, and less real food. At first, I thought this was just a way to ensure proper nutrition and muscle growth. But one day on my way back to class, I overheard teachers talking about how those 'Kiri scum' over-flooded our rice paddies in the south.
I guess I hadn't really noticed before how our food at home started becoming the same thing every night. Curries with a few spoonfuls of meat, or cabbage salads for lunch. Every once and awhile we'd get some leftover fish from grandpa's grocery store. Those nights were the best since we all got a piece to ourselves.
When we had Kurenai and Hifumi over one night, dad took me aside and handed me thirty ryo to go buy some snacks.
"Buy something nice," he told me, and my face heated up in embarrassment when Hifumi overheard and offered to tag along. Thirty ryo was basically four dollars. We'd be lucky to get one drink and snack for everyone on that budget.
I shook my head, zipping up my coat before we went out the door. Hifumi trailing a little behind me with that constant smile of hers. I was a little afraid Kurenai would stop wanting to come over if we didn't have anything to bring to our friendship. I didn't exactly make the best first impression on her, and I sure as hell didn't want to be alone with Hifumi.
Outside it was breezy and the sky was a stark pale orange. An outcrop of tile shingled houses and trees lined the street and blocked out the horizon. Beyond them, I know are mountains that at this distance look like nothing but grey shapes blurred into smudgy triangles.
"Sachie, I've been meaning to ask…" Hifumi came up by my side. Her silence from before had been unusually uncharacteristic so I braced myself for whatever kind of sarcastic comment she decided to throw at me. "My clan is having this big celebration next week for the head's son, and my mom said I could invite someone. So do you want to come?"
My eyes can't help but widen in shock. A very real dread seeped into my stomach. She wants me to come over to a place filled with Yamanaka's. I shoved my hands into my pockets and peeked over at her. She was staring straight ahead, down the street with her hands folded behind her back and her legs extending like pencils for each exaggerated step. She appeared to be completely at ease, but the way she wouldn't meet my gaze all of the sudden told me otherwise.
"I don't think that's such a good idea," I said eventually. "I mean I don't know any of your house customs or even how to sit in a proper seiza."
"That won't be a problem," she insisted. "All of the kids are put in a different area anyways. It's just really boring since there's nobody my age."
"What about Rin?"
"What about her?"
"Are you going to invite her too?"
"Probably not," Hifumi stated plainly, without bothering to give any sort of explanation.
I waited for the punchline. For the surprise attack. For her to twirl around with that saccharine smile and say "got you."
Instead, we walked in an unexpected silence. My hands fiddled with the bills inside my pockets. A swill of sweat coated my palms and dampened the money. That was all she said for a long time. It wasn't a long walk to the convenience store, but the darkening evening made it seem like forever.
Here's what I knew about Hifumi at the time. She was a Yamanaka, she was six years old, she had once brought in a silk moth for show and tell. What was that about anyway? The silk moth. It had been yellow with spots on its wings that looked like eyes.
What I couldn't get was her obsession with me. Her pathological need to constantly press my buttons. Almost like she knew that if she pressed hard enough that one day, eventually, I would reveal some earth-shattering secret. That I'd lean back casually and whisper to her about the goddess in the moon. Or the crazy ancient Uchiha sitting around in a cave doing who knows what.
For all I talked about how hanging around children all day was driving me up a wall, I couldn't help but feel a little curious about Hifumi. Granted, I could have only been curious about what it would take to make her want to leave me alone.
"There's just one thing I don't get," I admitted.
"Hmm, what's that?" She didn't turn around, but she did slow her steps as if anticipating that what I asked next would either make her hate me or love me.
"Why aren't you at the top of our class?"
It's not that I thought she was smarter than Rin. But Hifumi certainly had a better grasp on the way the world worked. She knew how to make people like her. She knew how to make people feel like she was very important like they were very important. She would agree with people even if they were wrong, all the while sending me this look like no one in the world knew anything about anything.
Hifumi smiled all of the sudden, and she didn't quite look at me but she didn't not not look at me either.
"For the same reason as you," she swung open the door to the convenience store. It gave this little jingle, like the warning bells going off in my head. "Because nobody will expect anything out of me."
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By the time we left the store, it was almost dusk. Darkness curled up like smoke over the trees and roofs I'd pictured as an outline before. Now it really looked more like the border to some depthless void, and these last swatches of orange sunset were the fire and brimstone.
That's the kind of evening it was, a dastardly one which refused to stay in one shade of awful. In the crook of my arm, I carried the drinks, and Hifumi bounced ahead of me, her bag of puffed-up snacks smacking noisily against her legs.
Every few steps the plastic handles would slip down my forearm, leaving tender pink marks along the track of my veins. It felt like a rope burn, like a rash that got no relief from scratching. So I would heave the bag upwards once more only for it to slip back down, repeating the process all over again.
At the time, the silence between us no longer felt unexpected, but purposeful, as if each of us were thinking through the other's thoughts, understanding now that we weren't all that different. Or maybe it was only me who just now realized this. Hifumi had known all along, hadn't she? Hadn't that been why she approached me in the first place? Because she saw the notebook and thought I was smarter than I actually was; thought I had some grand plans on becoming the next Sannin, on setting my own expectations and disregarding everyone else.
I doubled over with laughter. Hifumi's entire manner suddenly reminded me of a little kid who consistently refused to let go of their mother's hand. And with a start, I realized I was beginning to feel sorry for her. Like I'd promised her something important and now, just as it was time to follow through, I was pulling out, leaving her in the dark.
Yet I had always known that about her. That Hifumi was still too young and innocent to really think up anything too complex. This wasn't Nineteen Eighty-Four, she hadn't been conditioned to report anyone suspicious to the secret police.
Children, I thought, will come up with any impossible assortment of things to suit their fantasies. They played make believe with the world around them because they had yet to fully understand the world, or what it meant to live in completely different circumstances from the one you're born with. Hifumi walked around like it was her god-given right to decide who a person was based on what she thought of them. This was all because she had been let in on the secret, the grand scheme that becoming a shinobi wasn't all it was chalked up to be. And she knew that I knew that much too. I had spent more than my fair share of time being jaded and cynical about everything. I had hurt enough people trying to make them as miserable as me.
So my throat seized upon itself when she turned around and looked at me head-on. Her eyes were so bleak and pupilless and upset.
I shook my head, trying to say it wasn't a big deal, but she turned back around and began to walk away with a ferocious streak. Then just as I thought she was beginning to calm down she whipped around with this downright malevolent look on her face
"Hey look Sachie!" She spoke up vindictively. "It's your boyfriend!"
I didn't see what she was pointing at immediately, and even when I did her meaning was a little lost on me. Following her finger wagging excitedly toward the turn-off of the street I saw Gai Maito. Not just Gai Maito either, but three other boys. Two of them held him up by either arm as he kicked out with his feet, and the third delivered punches to his stomach.
"Your-" punch "father" punch "is a no good!" punch-punch "Eternal-genin!"
He finished the tirade off with a kick to the abdomen. I was blown away. This was happening right beside a residential house, not five steps from the main street. I looked over to Hifumi, but she was just smirking at me as if to say "you gonna do anything?"
"Aren't you?" Wasn't she all about people getting their own medicine?
A look of scorn passed over her face, followed immediately by pleasure. "I could, couldn't I? If you asked me to, that is."
It was just how I would have acted, in another life. Maybe even in this life if I hadn't been born with Rin. As Hifumi stood there, absolutely smitten with herself, I couldn't help but see how alone she really was. How alone I once was. When am I ever going to stop being the same old me?
None of the guys had noticed us yet. Gai huffed out something about his "self-rules" and pulled out his fist only for it to get pulled back at the last minute. I reached into my bag of drinks. The cold residue on the outside of the can sent chills up my arm. My shoulder clocked backward, like a gear that had finally been put into its correct place, and once it began to turn, there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had no control over the can once it was in the air, yet I knew somehow that it would land right where I wanted it to, straight into the head of Gai's main assailant.
It collided with a loud thwack! Which was immensely satisfying. As if I had physically taken hold of all the crap Hifumi put me through these last six months and bottled it up in that one drink, throwing it all at the first enemy I saw.
Then reality slowly made its decent as all three of them glared at me venomously.
Gai had managed to shoulder his way out of their grasp, throwing himself far out of their reach.
"You!" The boy I'd hit stormed towards me. Half of his cheek flushed a deep red from the sore.
"Wait a minute! Wait a minute!" I put my hands out, thinking fast. "Don't come any closer, I'm contagious!"
That made him stop. "Contagious?"
"Yeah," I lifted my arm, having dropped the plastic bag, and relieved the long streaks of pink flesh going down my arm. "It's this really nasty skin-eating bacteria from Kiri. It's called cutisgitis. It feels just like mold, and once it's there they have to remove the skin or it will just grow back and spread to the rest of your body."
He seemed to consider this for a moment, debating if what I was telling him was true or not, and then again debating the risks if I really did have it. With all the foreigners coming into Konoha nowadays it was hard to tell who came from where, and of course, everyone was suspicious of everyone. Especially with the great betrayal, they felt from Sakumo Hatake.
"Whatever, freak." He spat eventually, clearly exhausted by those mental gymnastics, and turned away with his pals sending Gai one last glare.
"Cutisgitis?" Hifumi intoned in clear disbelief once they had gone.
"Yep," I shrugged, not about to start with her again.
She did a weird little shake of her shoulders as if she was holding in a laugh, and I couldn't help but smile faintly as the burst of adrenaline from before began to wear off. Suddenly I felt incredibly sleepy and forgot about Gai completely until he called out to us.
"What's your name?" He asked seriously.
"Me?" I pointed at myself. He nodded while I glanced at Hifumi, all at once very aware of those rumors she spread about me. "Sachie Nohara."
"Nohara," he muttered as if trying to remember me from class, which probably wasn't all that hard. "I'm Gai Maito
'I know,' I very nearly said, and I didn't just know because he was a canon character, but because pretty much everyone in our class knew about the kid who replaced Kakashi. And if they hadn't been around for that then they knew about his father, Dai Maito.
I swallowed any other mess of words to try to explain my actions and simply nodded once in acknowledgment of the fact that we were now officially acquainted.
"See you at school Gai!" Hifumi waved, back to her usual cheerful manner, taking my cutisgitis infected arm and dragging me along with this hopelessly bemused expression on her face.
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Gai and I didn't immediately become best friends. No, it was much worse than that. Now that I had acknowledged his existence I felt pretty much obligated to nod or smile or give some sign that I recognized him whenever we saw each other. He did the same, albeit much more enthusiastically. Waving around like a lunatic, or calling out my name from halfway across the room. He was almost as bad as Hifumi. His only saving grace was that he didn't seem to expect any type of friendship, or for us to interact in any way beyond seeing each other at school and occasionally outside of school. I could live with that.
Truthfully, a lot more had changed since that night. When we arrived home with the snacks and the remaining drinks both of us were hysterical. Like we had just discovered that what comes up does not necessarily go down, and that can I threw kept on going around the globe until it caught up with us and hit us in the back of our heads. Bam!
Our perception was tilted, all topsy-turvy, falling off its precipice of stability into that deep dark void of the unknown. Ok, it wasn't that dramatic, but you get my point, right? Hifumi no longer felt like an enemy, we weren't best friends or anything, but there was a real bud of respect between me and her.
I couldn't help but feel a mix of pride and gratification over the fact that she no longer spread a bunch of rumors about me. Of course, that didn't completely erase everything she had spread about me before. People still called me bathroom creeper and thought I was a freak, but hey, you win some you lose some. Speaking of losing, since Hifumi had been giving me space, Kurenai followed by example. Falling deeper into her destined friendship with Asuma Sarutobi.
It made things go back to how they'd been just a year before. Rin and I against the world. I couldn't believe it had been that long already. We were getting closer and closer to entering our third year of the academy.
I should have felt nervous, or out of my mind with worry, but I was flooded with the feeling that everything was going to turn out all right.
Rin waited a little ways from me as I buttoned up my jacket. Kunoichi classes had ended a few minutes ago, and the courtyard was already nearly empty. She turned her head all the way up, then whipped around grinning at me with such a thrilled expression "Look," her arms rose upward. "It's snowing!"
Small white flakes fluttered down from the sky. Konoha winters were usually as reliable as a good friend. Bleak and frigid without a chance of precipitation. So my breath caught when I saw the white plume of frost expel from my mouth. How it held there, like fog on a windowpane, until I stepped forward, out from under the academy roof and into the bare yard.
The sky was incredibly bright, but I could see the sun. From east to west it looked like one giant cloud had been stretched over it all. Like the atmosphere had been put into a taffy machine, the boiled sugar, the shifting air bubbles fluctuating until, just by chance, perfect snowflakes fell.
"What are you looking for?" Rin turned around, a flurry of white powder caught in her hair.
"They say when it snows you can sometimes see a ring around the sun," I licked my chapped lips. A wisp of wind chafing my skin. "It's because of the ice crystals, like mom's screen over the tv...it's supposed to look like a halo-like a shiny disc hung in the air."
Rin hopped beside me, putting her hands over her eyes like binoculars. Determinedly looking for what I had described.
"I guess it's too cloudy huh?"
"No, I think I see it!" Rin pointed up to a radiant spot in the clouds. I couldn't really tell. It could have been just the way the shadows contoured, or a ray of stray sunshine. "Is that it Sachie? Do you think that's it?"
"Yeah," I said nonetheless. "That's probably it. Hey, good eye!"
"It's beautiful," she smiled. "Everything looks so different when it snows. It doesn't even look like we're in Konoha anymore."
There wasn't enough to blanket everything, yet it really did look incredibly different. Every shade had been bleached out, and the pale lights glistened. The undertones a delicate blue, the narrow walkways sheer as ice.
"Let's go home and get something hot to drink."
"Do you think everyone will be playing in the snow tomorrow?"
"Huh? Probably, we can go out too."
"No," Rin shook her head. "We don't have to."
Rin never asked what happened between Hifumi and me. Not after that night. She never asked about why Gai was so friendly to me either. I would have told her everything if she had asked, or given me any kind of sign that she wanted to know what happened that night. But Rin never brought it up or made any kind of demands. She went along with my reactions to being teased, she followed me when we went out of the classroom for lunch. Part of me was glad. If she had really wanted to know I might have told her too much. I might have told her about the future and all the impossible things that were going to happen. The reasons why I acted strange sometimes, or why no matter how I tried I could never really be the same as her. I would never really be the sister I wanted to be, the one she deserved.
"You don't have to worry about me Rin." The courtyard was empty, it was just us standing here as the snow picked up. I found a grin and fell into lighthearted chatter. "I bet by the time we get home it'll be up to our knees! I bet we'll be wading through slush by tomorrow! We might even get a day of school off! Then everyone will definitely be out! We can make all sorts of things out of the snow. Hey! We can build our own snow house! And a snow dog, a snow cat, a snow tree..."
"Ok," Rin nodded. A faint smile tracing her lips. "We'll have to get up early then."
"Super early! And I'll show you how to make this hot drink, it's really good! It has chocolate in it so I know you'll love it!"
"Chocolate? Like chocolate milk?"
"Yeah, basically, I guess it's not so complicated, ahaha! Do we have any marshmallows at home?"
We lapsed into untroubled conversation. Our breath froze in the air, so that we might have corporeal evidence to look back on as these memories were made. She took my hand, squeezing it. Our footprints left shallow marks in the ground below. For a brief moment, as Rin stepped ahead, I saw her alone as a young woman. Her hair cut immaculately at the shoulders. A blue-colored michiyuki coat with white flowers covering her torso. When she looked back at me I couldn't breathe. Then this older beautiful Rin smiled, she squeezed my hand twice before letting go. Step after step, she began to walk away. I fixed my eyes on her back. On the smooth michiyuki, on the blossoming white flowers which rippled in the wind, making it look as if the petals were moving. Flying off the cloth and into the flurry of snow.
In the vision, she never looked back at me. But no matter how far she walked ahead, the warmth of her hand in mine burned just as warmly. I tucked my chin into my jacket. I let the snow melt into icy creeks down my neck. The dazzling white of everything blocking out any other sight. I was happy.
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"Hey, Sachie," Hifumi stretched her arms over the desk behind her. "I went ahead and told Maekawa-sensei what a whiz you are at cipher. Thank me later with cake, kay?"
I could have slapped her across the face, but Maekawa-sensei was already sauntering over to my desk like I was simultaneously the stupidest and most brilliant kid she's ever seen.
"Is it true?" Maekawa asked, her piercing eyes leaving no room for lies. But it wasn't exactly the truth either.
"Of course it is Sensei!" Hifumi spoke up before I had the chance to get my thoughts in order. "Sachie is practically Jiraiya-sannin's stalker! She's either worshiping the ground he walks on, or plotting on becoming the next Sannin."
"That's-"
"Let's hope you can put your money where your mouth is," Maekawa-sensei crossed her arms in such a huff. "It just so happens that I specialized in counter-intelligence before being transferred to education."
Now would have been the time to say something stupid. Anything to make her think I was completely incapable of what she was insinuating. Yet at the same time I sure as hell didn't want Hifumi to continue rambling about how "captivated" I was by code. God-forbid she mentioned my notebook full of "code". Maekawa would easily pick up on all the red flags that can of worms raised. I nodded dumbly, gaining myself a further unimpressed look by Maekawa.
"Stay after class and I'll have you complete a relatively simple assessment," Maekawa sent us one last glare before she completely turned around. "And you two better not be wasting my time."
Hifumi was grinning like mad, before granting me a cheeky smile and flamboyant wink, saying: "Your welcome!"
"You bitc-"
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A/N: sorry it took so long, but it's 10,000 words so i've doubled the word count! Thanks lillovelyanime for getting me to remember this story...
There's probably a lot of mistakes because I wanted to get this chapter out as soon as it was decently finished. I hope it's not completely illegible but if it is please let me know in the comments. I'm going to refrain from serious editing until I get a substantial amount of writing done :P
Thanks for reading~!