Alina was hovering by Zarya when Ivan approached. She hoped in vain for a few long seconds that he might have been merely passing by to get to the Oprichnik a few yards behind her, but Alina resolved that he was indeed coming to speak to her when his footsteps stopped with a definitive crunch next to her.
"Can I help you?" she asked flatly.
"Apparently not," Ivan retorted. Alina exhaled slowly in a grand attempt to remain arguably polite even when she just wanted to tell him exactly where he could stick his opinions.
The Heartrender was not so easily dissuaded. Alina would have respected him less if he was. "If I tell you that you are being foolish for this decision, that won't change anything, will it?" he asked.
"The general and I have unfinished business to handle," Alina said. It was the generic, no-detail response that she was to give to anyone who tried to get her to talk about why the pair of them weren't returning to the Little Palace with the rest.
Ivan snorted. Either he was in the inner circle or he was just better at paying attention to what was going on than the others who had gotten wide-eyed and perhaps a bit jealous when Alina had given the answer before.
"Unfinished is how I would describe your summoning lessons, not whatever childish venture this is." He crossed his arms stiffly over his chest.
"I haven't forgotten about my responsibilities," Alina muttered, feeling defensive. What did a few days matter in the grand scheme of the country after all?
"Yet your feelings rank higher than them. The Second Army can make do without her general for a while, but Ravka certainly needs to know that its Sun Summoner has not run off like a scared child."
"I'm not running off," Alina snapped. She didn't like hearing her own insecurities brought to life in Ivan's voice. It gave them too much weight, too much substance compared to her wilting anger at having been manipulated.
She wasn't wrong to be angry, Alina assured herself. It wouldn't do for the Second Army to not have a Sun Summoner at all. This was better than the alternative.
Ivan still was unconvinced. "Remember that while you may have joined your First Army a year ago, had you been properly brought up as a Grisha you would have been part of the Second Army far sooner. Then you might understand responsibility as you should. Grisha do not have the choice to serve their country by pen and paper alone," he said.
It was Alina's turn to cross her arms and scowl. "I've been to the Front. I've… I know how to shoot and fight," Alina said hotly. It was technically true, even if it had been only for a month while a tentative ceasefire had been in place between Shu Han and Ravka. Apparently a death in the empress' family merited the pause in the bloodshed. Not the hundreds of dead soldiers, though. That was acceptable. Then she had been officially assigned to the cartography unit and swept back to safer encampments and bases, keeping a wide berth from the dangers of the front.
"The front lines are not the only places to serve in the Second Army," Ivan corrected her. "Even those in the palace and the schools serve. We all know about responsibility. Perhaps the lesson still might not have stuck, but I'm certain it is easier to learn then than at your current age."
Ivan's allusion to working in the palace surely could only mean one person. She had to blink back the fresh wave of anger that was making her arms tremble even while crossed. "I'm a quick study," Alina managed to bite out. "I'll manage."
He tipped his head and Alina could feel his eyes roam over her in quick succession, taking her measure silently. Then he shrugged. "Perhaps. Clearly you will not be learning that lesson today, but regardless I have faith that the general may bring you to your senses sooner rather than later. In the meantime, try not to get him killed."
"I doubt that he needs my help preventing that."
Ivan clicked his tongue dismissively. "The Black General has elected for the pair of you to travel alone. Which means there is only him to defend you both. In the worst-case scenario, he can defend one person only. And right now, Ravka needs a Sun Summoner more than she needs him. He knows this. You should try to remember that, too."
He didn't wait for Alina to reply one way or the other to that. He swept into motion once more while Alina was still blinking. "Wait!" Alina called out. He didn't respond to the first or second call, and Alina had to jog to catch up to him.
"Wait," she huffed. Ivan raised one dark eyebrow. "Please," Alina added emphatically. Then she rifled through her bag until she found the leather folio safely stowed at the bottom. She still hadn't read any of the letters inside, but she was right in her assumption that the folio contained some fresh sheaves of paper as well.
Her handwriting was horrible with how she had to write on her knee and she only got to scratch a few lines before Ivan was going to leave regardless of how polite Alina was; but she hoped it would be enough to get her point across. Folding the page over in thirds, Alina passed the letter to Ivan.
"I'm not going to bother asking you not to read it," Alina said, "since that doesn't seem to be a reasonable ask. But can you please make sure that this gets to Genya?" Her voice wavered as she got to her friend's name. She might not have been able to do anything to assuage Ivan's concerns that her decision to continue traveling wouldn't end with herself or Kirigan or both of them getting killed, but she could at least make an effort to make some amends. After two days away from the palace, she could start to see past Genya's decision to put duty over friendship. Even if it stung.
Alina waited for Ivan to laugh or shake his head in dismissal. It certainly was beneath him to be a courier to the girl that he just dressed down for being irresponsible and immature. But his mouth twitched in something that could generously be called not-a-frown and he inclined his head. The note went into his inner kefta pocket.
"You are learning already," he said gruffly. "There's hope for you yet."
Much like leaving the Little Palace, Alina and Kirigan's departure from the rest of the hunting party was far more straightforward than she would have expected. One minute Alina was fending off awkward chit-chat with the Inferni twins, and the next it was just herself and General Kirigan walking their horses through the brambles and bushes that had been a natural border to their encampment.
After speaking with him this morning, it was more than a little embarrassing to remember holding Kirigan at knifepoint last night. Not that he had really been in danger. In fact, that made Alina feel a little worse even. If she had owned a real weapon then it might have stung less to think about.
The trip was at least less stressful having two sets of eyes. Alina appreciated having someone besides Zarya keeping watch around them and at their path. The mare was sweet, but she startled at stray sticks and rustling leaves. Alina was jumpy enough on her own. Having Kirigan around was… actually nice.
Not that Alina was prepared to tell him that. She could appreciate when he pointed out loose ground to avoid or a fallen tree they would need to coax the horses over down the line without actually saying so. She was still, justifiably, upset at him. In Alina's opinion, this was all part of his restitution for his actions.
They didn't stay on foot for too long before Alina suggested the path had cleared enough to safely ride. Kirigan agreed easily and Alina wondered if she should have pushed for them to mount up sooner. He probably didn't mind taking their time to leave the others. All the better if Alina suddenly wanted to run back to Os Alta after all.
Zarya wasn't as eager to work today as she had been the previous two days. Alina had to nudge her with her heels more often, and the mare's head drooped much sooner. Alina worried at her bottom lip with her teeth - the damned habit was not breaking - and asked Kirigan if he wouldn't mind walking again.
"I'm glad that you like it," Kirigan said.
Alina chanced a look over her shoulder to see if she could parse what he meant. "That I like what?" she asked. There wasn't a lot that she liked from him right now.
"Riding," he replied.
"Oh." There was a brief quiet between them broken only by hoofbeats on the ground and the gentle swish of branches around them. The trees were thinning. Alina suspected they would reach the next swath of roads soon. She had only needed to readjust their course once this morning, after they had wandered a little too far east in search of a stream.
"You're picking up on horsemanship quicker than I thought you might," Kirigan remarked.
Alina picked over his words before she decided it would be alright to preen just a bit. "Spending long days in a saddle helps more than just an hour here and there," she said. When they were walking, she had to rely on breaking the path to keep from drawing back to walk side by side with him. When on Zarya she was more focused on not making the trek harder for the horse than on considering how much eye contact was suitable or not to be pointedly avoiding with the general.
"And actually guiding the horse. We spent a long while on the Vy, but that's not quite the same," Kirigan continued.
They had shared Harbinger on that trip. It was very different from what Alina was doing now. She opened her mouth to try and make that distinction but elected not to. Talking in detail about riding doubles was not something she had the mental fortitude to handle.
When Zarya had recovered some of her pep, Alina was happy to get back on horseback. Kirigan was just as talkative on Harbinger as he was on foot. That wasn't saying much - not compared to, say, Nadia - but Alina was running out of neatly polite things to discuss with him. Even when they paused to eat lunch there was either quiet between them or idle commentary on the changing landscape around them.
"Are we just going to chatter about nothing all day?" Alina snapped when she could no longer keep the frustration at bay. It might have been exacerbated by having to hop off of Zarya for the third time in far too little time in order to help guide the mare across yet another freezing cold and equally muddy stretch of water.
Kirigan laughed before the sound was quickly replaced with a grunt. Harbinger was equally upset at being walked through more cold water. Alina had turned her head just in time to catch the gelding butting his head irritably against Kirigan's back. At least Alina could feel somewhat better that Kirigan wasn't quite the perfect horsemaster he appeared to be.
"That's up to you. You wanted to be in the saddle, so to speak," Kirigan grunted in between tugging Harbinger to come up alongside him. At that angle the gelding couldn't hit him again, but his feet were now in stomping range. It was a delicate balance.
"I wanted respect. Not… being handled like a dignitary no one wants to offend," Alina protested.
"I want to learn this style of diplomacy where we can make self-important nobles stomp through the woods and call that politeness. That would change some of my decisions, for certain."
Alina had to choke back a laugh. She elected for a scowl instead. For good measure, she drew Zarya to a stop and turned to face Kirigan properly. "You're giving me everything. Letting me lead. Talking about nonsense," she said. For good measure she gave a rough gesture at both him and Harbinger who was now flicking his ears and trying to drag his reins out of Kirigan's hold. It wouldn't work, but Saints if the horse was still managing to make his master look… human. "Being all charming," Alina finished with a growl.
He stopped and Alina immediately wished that she had just kept her mouth shut. There was a wry grin twisting on his face. Just when Alina was about to throw her hands up and turn back to the path, the smile faded. Kirigan crossed the distance between them before reaching a respectful distance. Harbinger used this opportunity to nose at Zarya, the two horses engaging in much easier dialogue with one another than their masters.
"Would you rather we got into a shouting match?" Kirigan asked. His voice was so measured, so controlled. Alina's cheeks started to burn and she gripped her hands in fists as she fought against the subconscious reaction.
"Yes!" she replied, exasperated. "Kind of." Then, a beat.
"I don't know," Alina growled. She had to turn away but she couldn't with Kirigan being right there in front of her, just as patient as he had been the previous night and into this morning.
"I want to know why," she finally managed to spit out.
"Why what?"
"You said that you had two reasons. For keeping everything from me. The pragmatic one and the truth." She had wrestled with his choice of words for a long time before finally falling asleep last night. Clearly she had been given the pragmatic answer, she deduced.
Kirigan nodded. He still made her finish her thought rather than reply now, and Alina felt not unlike her younger self back in Keramzin being told she had to fully elaborate and explain everything before Ana Kuya would listen to her arguments.
"I want to know what the truth was. Why you kept those letters from me. I… I understand the practical reasons. I'm an asset and a liability and that's why it might have made sense to keep me from writing out," Alina conceded bitterly.
"But I think even still that I deserve the truth from you for why you kept those letters that I received from Mal. And anyone else," she added hastily.
It was Kirigan who broke their gaze first. He turned away, back to the winding path they had taken to get to the edge of the woods. Alina felt some of the tension in her gut loosen when he did. Staying toe to toe with him was challenging. And Alina had never been great at making demands on her own behalf. For others? Sure. She had an unquenchable fire inside when it came to defending Mal or standing up for the other junior cartographers. But she was still learning how and where to find that fire inside of her for herself.
"Have you read them yet? I take it you have not if you don't even know who they're from," Kirigan asked, his voice cool compared to the tone from a moment ago.
"No," Alina admitted. She saw his stance change just slightly when she did, like a wire was loosened in his spine. Kirigan turned past her to shorten the length of the reins from Harbinger. Then his eyes darted back to hers, just for a moment.
"When you do, then we can talk about truth and reasoning," Kirigan said shortly.
"That hardly seems fair! What should Mal's letters have to do with you keeping them from me? They should have gone to me, regardless of what they said."
He let out a bitter laugh. Just like before, he remarked, "You are still young, Alina. And still choosing to avoid what you are afraid of. It doesn't matter to me what they say. Clearly it matters a great deal to you, though. I will not be berated for not allowing you your otkazat'sya's attention only for you to now refuse to even open them."
Alina's cheeks burned. Her hands were balled into fists at her side. Even worse, she didn't have a single response to Kirigan's jabs. Clearly he had drawn his line in the sand. "For now, we should get moving. There's a dacha that we're going to be passing by soon, and I suspect that you'll be more comfortable if that is well behind us by the time that we make camp."
"Hang on," Alina demanded. She had to make one last effort to get him to give up some kind of answer.
Kirigan threw himself onto Harbinger's back. His expression had shifted to something unreadable and flat, much like Ivan's. Alina didn't care for it. "I've made my point clear. If you want an argument about what is or is not fair when you have been handed - in your words - everything that you've asked for at this point, then you will need to stop avoiding what's clearly in front of you," he said sharply.
"You don't actually want to know what Malyen thinks of you now as a Grisha. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe he is simply fearful for your safety among the people he sees as your captors. Or maybe he is holding out hope that you, too, are still otkazat'sya and this is just a misunderstanding. Either way, I will not accept demands for the truth from a girl too scared to open her eyes to what's already right in front of her.
"You thought I was coddling you. I don't have to make that mistake again. Let's go," he said.
She had to hurry to get onto Zarya to keep up with him. But she wasn't going to complain. She wasn't going to give him the satisfaction. This was what she had asked for, after all.
Besides, if she had survived Ivan's sniping this morning, surely Alina could handle some bitter remarks from General Kirigan, too. Maybe it would be like unwrapping a wound. The bandage stung and burned where it got stuck in the scabs and healing skin, but it needed to be replaced and once it was off for the last time it would be fully healed.
She had plenty of time to review the letters when the pair of them made camp. After last night in a tent and a hot meal in the morning, it was difficult going back to sleeping under the stars with a belly of slightly hard bread and cheese. Alina refused to complain, however. She sat at the fire that she coaxed to life while Kirigan had seen to the horses and very pointedly ignored the leather folio that she could practically see in her mind's eye in the bag beside her.
If she read the letters, then she could get the answers she wanted from Kirigan. It was that simple. But if she read the letters, then she would see just what Mal had meant about the previous letters starting off so bad every time. There was also the nagging worry that Kirigan was right, too, and that Mal's words would reveal only fear and anger about Alina being Grisha. As though that changed something about her for the worse.
Alina's eyes flicked from the general's face to the fire to the horses with their heads dipped together - everywhere but on her bag. Each time that she met Kirigan's gaze she faltered and dove for something new to look at. There just wasn't enough to keep her occupied. Other than the pages that she couldn't bring herself to pull out. With Kirigan and Mal's words circling in her head, Alina chose instead to wait a bit longer before broaching them.
Huffing, Alina drew her arms around her knees and plopped her chin atop them for good measure. "So," she asked, her voice muffled with the strange position she was sitting in. "How're we going to divide up the watch?" They hadn't spoken much since their rekindled argument earlier on the trail. This was some kind of olive branch, Alina figured. As well as critical planning. Her mood would only get worse with further sleep deprivation if they both sat up for watch all night.
"Missing the Oprichniki already?" Kirigan asked.
Alina lifted her head to make sure he could properly see her tongue sticking out at him. Then she said, "We'll be fine on our own. I was fine when it was just myself." But the other guards would have made things easier, yes. Just as much as they would have been an unneeded audience to Alina's slow descent from bothersome, flighty Sun Summoner to a completely unhinged and insubordinate one.
She buried her face behind her arms once more when Kirigan only chuckled at her response. "Yes, I remember the knife and the speech. Very intimidating," he replied. It was a much more friendly reaction than Alina had been expecting. Her arms loosened their grip around her knees by an inch.
"Thank you."
"Of course. But I was planning on taking the first watch. Can you sit for two hours or is that too long?"
Alina lifted an eyebrow. "Do I have to keep reminding you that I was a soldier before I was Grisha? And I've got more energy now, too. Two hours is fine."
"You've always been Grisha. You just didn't know it," Kirigan reminded her, comfortably predictable. It made Alina's lip twitch in a smile, one that she squashed quickly with another huff and shuffle of her boots.
"Sounds like a plan then," Alina said. She hadn't intended to head to sleep right away, but there wasn't much else left of the night besides talking or reading. Neither was an activity that she was particularly looking forward to so she was left with rolling over on her side on her borrowed bedroll - something she vastly appreciated over the rocky ground of their campsite - squishing her eyes shut, and praying that she would actually be able to coax herself to sleep with the general right behind her.
At least she wasn't out here in the wilds entirely on her own. She focused on the other details around her. The fire was warm on her back through the blanket. Zarya's stomping every few minutes was almost a steady rhythm. Alina could take comfort in listening to the soft noises from the horses.
When she rolled over, she could see the white dappled pelt and the arcing antlers stark against the tree trunks around them - her dreams' frequent companion had returned. The ground was different from their camp, covered in a thick blanket of snow. The stag's hoofprints were distinctly different from Zarya's. Alina watched in contentment as the creature slowly rounded the field and approached. Maybe tonight he would get close enough that she would be able to touch his velvety nose...
When she felt a hand on her shoulder instead, Alina bolted upright. She scrambled to find her knife at her belt. "What's wrong?" she tried to say, the words coming out in a jumble.
The moonlight had changed. When she had closed her eyes, the moon had just been cresting over the trees. It was back behind them now. The moon didn't linger long this time of the year. Alina blinked up at Kirigan who was still holding her shoulder. The heavy fur of the collar kept her from feeling the effect of his amplification, a detail that Alina was disappointed by for some reason.
"Nothing's wrong. All quiet," he said softly. When Alina only continued to blink owlishly at him, he added, "It's your watch, though."
"Oh." That seemed obvious now. He let go and returned to the opposite side of the fire while Alina tucked her knife back away and sat up properly. She stifled a yawn and took a long look around their camp.
They weren't in a large clearing like yesterday. More or less they had crammed themselves and the horses in the shade of a large oak and a long-since fallen spruce. Still, Alina found herself blinking hard to try and make out any details in the long shadows that stretched from their surroundings. Every time that she thought she had figured out the landscape beyond their fire's light it seemed to shift and jump.
Frowning, Alina twisted her hands to call a bit of sun. She didn't call much, not when they already had plenty of exposure from the fire already, but enough to try and cut through the shadow. The sphere of light slowly bloomed atop her fingers, barely the size of a coin. As soon as it formed, Alina inhaled sharply.
There were shadows woven in and around the tree trunks, wreathing their camp in a thick band the height of two men tall. They writhed when the sunlight touched them before pulling back.
Kirigan.
She closed her hand, snuffing out the light before it managed to burn through the shadows entirely. Across from her, Alina saw Kirigan's dark eyes catching the last flash of the sun's light. "Sorry," she apologized. Then she jutted her chin at the cocoon around them. "That's clever."
"I thought it might be more protection than just a blade," he replied. Alina blamed her tired mindset for how she allowed that to pass with a small smile.
"Will it stay while you're asleep?"
"Barring any ambitious Sun Summoners."
"If I see any, I'll tell them off." This was easier than fighting, much as it pained Alina to admit. Still, that felt bittersweet rather than encouraging. She wanted to trust Kirigan, she really did. But her instincts still held her back. The packet of Mal's stolen letters kept her tethered to her anger.
Meanwhile, here Alina was with Kirigan not five yards from her, about to just… sleep. Completely in her hands, away from his guards and his Grisha and the rest of the Second Army that needed him. All because of her.
That definitely was a gesture, strong and clear.
She had understood - or had some guesses, at least - for what the gifts he had given her back at the Little Palace had meant. They were a means to point out her importance, the significance of the Grisha finally finding the power that might be able to push back the Shadow Fold and reunite Ravka.
This had nothing to do with that, at least not directly. The cloak around Alina's throat and the boots on her feet and the horse she rode on had been gifts of status. Kirigan here, personally, regardless of his steadfast confidence that his decisions had been the right ones for that time… that wasn't about status or convincing her that he was right. It was acceptance of her anger and of her challenge to prove that he was deserving of her trust again.
Of course he still wasn't being completely transparent with her still - Alina had not forgotten this afternoon in the slightest - but even so, she could appreciate just how much Kirigan was giving up to be sitting in the middle of a Ravkan forest with her. For her.
Alina shivered, pulling her cloak tighter around her throat.
How could she ask for much more?