Detox
A Star Trek: Voyager fanfiction by Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Star Trek: Voyager, Deep Space Nine, The Next Generation et al are the property of CBS Television, Paramount and the creation of Gene Roddenberry. Please support the official release.
Yeah, I know. I go on hiatus from fic writing for one month and this is the monstrosity I cook up. Well, least it's short.
Okay, I lied. It isn't short. And it's inspired by SFDebris. So yes, this is going to be something.
God I hated the episode "Fair Haven". As did a lot of other fans. I just decided to do something about it with Fanboyimus Prime: Write this.
"Do we really need to see what we did?" Mortimer asked as he was standing outside the Holodeck with several members of the senior staff. "Seriouslyl I'm not sure why any of you wanted some old time village to relax in."
The creator of the program shrugged. Tom did wonder why he wanted to make Fair Haven in the first place, given that it wasn't in the 20th century. Still, he had a ready response.
"Well I was stoned out of my mind."
"That still doesn't explain why I'm part of this," Crewman Harren grumbled. "I doubt I even visited the place."
"Records say you did," Harry informed him. The astrophysicist stared at him in disbelief, and Harry shrugged. "Yeah, we were all shocked at that."
"Let's get this over with then…" Mortimer grumbled.
"I just… What?" Janeway asked in disbelief, looking around the town of Fairhaven. It looked about as real, authentic and lived in as a renaissance fair. "I was really that enraptured with this… This…?"
"Ay begora! I lost me lucky clover!" A villager said cheerfully as he hurried on his way past Janeway. The captain watched him go.
"It's like every Irish stereotype brought to life in one horrible mess," Janeway said in faint horror. She clearly was as stoned as Tom was when she believed this was in any manner accurate. Hell, it might even be considered offensive. And she wasn't even Irish.
"I'm not seen as some fire spewing devil…?" Mortimer remarked as a group started bowing before him.
"All praise the Holy Sarcastic One! May his sharp wit light the way!" They sang in ecstasy. Harren slowly stepped away, looking a bit uncomfortable.
"You're not a fire spewing devil to us," Janeway said.
"More like a troll living deep underground," Tom said wryly. "Only arising to be sarcastic and irritating."
"Thanks," Mortimer grumbled.
When the monks and others saw Kes, they ran in fear while screaming, "Walking Apocalypse!"
The Ocampan watched them go, then turned to the captain.
"I seem to get that a lot," Kes said dryly.
"Me too," Janeway said. "But now I can notice it."
Janeway then did a double take as several copies of one woman walked toward them. It was noteworthy as they all were of Tuvok's wife T'Pel, but in extremely brief Vulcan attire. They surrounded Tuvok. who Janeway could tell was feeling a bit embarrassed about this. But only if you knew Tuvok extremely well could you notice that.
Tom looked at the women for a moment.
"They are copies of my wife Lt. Paris," Tuvok stated.
"Well...looks like you have a good reason to want us to get home," Tom mused. He then noticed something outside of the town. A giant drag race track was hard to miss.
"Somehow I shouldn't be surprised," Harry said with a slight grin on his face. The smile was replaced with a shocked expression when the girl he'd hit on in the program showed up and instead of being a girl or a cow... She was a cowgirl. With horns, hooves, and a bright smile above truly huge breasts. "And not sure how I could forget that."
Janeway was not looking forward to seeing what insane things she'd done to that character in the program. She remembered removing his wife, and making him smarter. Yet somehow she had a feeling that was only some of the things she'd done to him.
Fortunately she didn't have to wait long to see exactly how far her modifications went.
When he came walking down the street built like a Greek god, clad in battle armor and holding a massive phaser rifle over one shoulder. None of the townspeople noticed, naturally. Nor did they react when the Doctor was shot at. They scrambled for cover, before remembering that the holodeck safeties were still on. They looked up at a nearby roof. A sneering, mustached man in a bowler hat with a sniper rifle glared down upon them.
"You still dismissing my committing murder, Father Lewisson!?" He bellowed.
"Oh, that's what the 5th commandment was," the Doctor remarked a bit weakly, as the bowler hat man continued to fire.
"Tom, why is there a serial killer in your program?" Janeway asked as they hid behind cover anyway. Safeties or not, holographic bullets could hurt like hell "Was Sherlock Homes or any other Victorian era sleuth supposed to make an appearance?"
"I'd have claim being stoned to put that in," Tom admitted.
And that was when Janeway's would be paramour turned and blasted the serial killer with a massive burst of phased energy from his rifle. All that remained was the bowler hat, which floated through the air and landed at the crew's feet.
"That shouldn't have survived, or ended up at our feet," Mortimer managed to get out.
"Holodeck," Tom shrugged. "Always has to be dramatic."
"With all due respect, stop talking out your…" Mortimer stated before they all saw what looked to be pinatas of a man in a Starfleet uniform and a Klingon woman in an area down the alleyway and into the the hills around the town. Most with their heads shattered and were laying on the ground, but a few were hanging in trees by rope that looked like nooses around the necks of the pinatas.
"Well…" Tom said after a moment. "Guess I won't see the in-laws much even if we do get back to Federation space."
"A little help here?" Harry yelled as he was trying to hold off the amorous cowgirl. The Doctor and Kes tried to stop the least weird thing they'd seen in the program.
"Well this is interesting," Kes mused as she had the hologram in a policeman's hold. "Have to say I like the udders."
"Kill me, now," Harry mumbled.
"Oh, GOD!" Harren shouted, snapping Harry out of his train of thought. He looked past the cowgirl's bosom (not easily) to the center square. Atop a stone pedestal, riding a horse, was a bronze statue... Of Neelix in full Old Earth military dress, holding a curved saber aloft with a goofy grin.
"I'm ready to delete this mess," Harren remarked. "Now."
There were no disagreements.
Hope you enjoyed.