"Listen up, folks! As you know, the Goa'uld are about to invade Springfield. So while we get ready, let's listen to some music by these fine folks."
As a marching band rolled away in a bus, Colonel Jack O'Neill tapped his toes to the tunes they played. Next to him, Dr. Walter Bishop nodded his head as he offered a toothy smile.
"Quite right, Colonel O'Neill," he said, holding up an instructive index finger. "Listening to music can be a good stress reduction technique in the midst of a crisis. And the people of Springfield know all about stress and crises, don't you?"
As Walter gave the citizens of Springfield a prompting look, some murmured their agreement while others simply nodded their heads.
"Can't argue with you there, doc," O'Neill said, still happily tapping away.
The colonel and the good doctor stood under a statue of Jebediah Springfield surrounded by the citizens of Springfield.
"What do you think of the music, doc?" O'Neill gestured to the departing bus.
"It's very interesting."
"That's it?"
Walter chuckled lightly. "Very well. I will give you a more thorough analysis, colonel."
"Can't wait to hear it."
Walter continued with his smile and his genial manner. He also gestured with his right hand as if giving a lecture, something he often did informally as a fringe scientist.
"The first lively tune suggests a family caught up in a series of antics."
"Ah!" O'Neill raised a finger as his eyebrows went up. "Like our friends the Simpsons."
"Yes! Our friends the Simpsons do have their share of antics." Once again, Walter chuckled a little. But he also raised a triumphant finger as his voice reached a booming crescendo.
Walter waved that index finger as he launched into another topic. "I am aware that Major Carter and Dr. Jackson, or 'Daniel,' have been to alternate worlds. Major Carter, in particular, could explain that with an infinite number of universes, many things are possible. "
"Carter is smart about a lot of things."
Walter smiled, nodded, went on. "In another universe, the laws of physics could be quite different from what they are here. In some other universe, a person might be a cartoon character meeting with and interacting with other cartoon characters. Of course, that person would be unaware of being a cartoon character. If that person was you, Colonel O'Neill, you would think of yourself as normal and real."
"I'm sure I would. You're getting a little off topic here, doc."
Walter responded with a twitching smile. "Forgive me, colonel. As I listened to the music, I drifted off into thoughts of theoretical fringe science. That's just how my mind works. So then, back to the music!"
Walter seemed to grow (or at least sound) happier every moment. Because of this, his face, and voice, turned only a little serious.
"The second more majestic theme the musicians are now playing suggests a band of hardy space explorers. Not unlike you and your team, Colonel O'Neill!"
With a slight smile, O'Neill nodded. "We are a hardy band, that's for sure."
"Does that mean you're like the Hardy Boys?" a daffy voice shouted.
"No, Homer." Ignoring the interruption, O'Neill paused to listen. "You know, I think I heard Carter hum this in the elevator once."
As O'Neill snapped his fingers, many of the smiling Springfield citizens did the same. Some, like Moe, Otto and Comic Book Guy, nodded their heads as they hummed along. Walter noted they were like an unusual-looking doo-wop group.
Along with the humming and nodding Springfield denizens, Walter saw a stone-faced Observer in the back of the crowd. The bald fedora-clad figure nodded his head to the music. An Observer would show up at an important event in history. Obviously, the Goa'uld invasion of Springfield was such an event.
Walter was pleased he could be part of this important event. His behavior modification ray had done its work on Colonel O'Neill and his team, and on the people of Springfield. It should show good results with the Simpsons as well.
Ah, yes. The Simpsons. They stood on Col. O'Neill's left. Except for Maggie with her pacifier, each member of the family wore a smile that Walter would, in each case, describe as daffy. Yet friendly, too. Yes. Homer, Marge, Bart, and Lisa: each had a daffy happy friendly smile.
On O'Neill's right stood his team members, all those part of the team designated "SG-1." There was Daniel Jackson, Major Samantha Carter and Teal'c. Each team member looked slightly apprehensive. Except perhaps for Teal'c, who simply looked less stoic.
If the team members were apprehensive, they need not be. Walter knew he had the situation well in hand.
And apparently Col. O'Neill felt confident as well. Done with his toe-tapping, the SG-1 leader gave the crowd an inquiring look.
"Any questions?" he asked.
A hand shot up. The owner of Moe's, conveniently named Moe, waved that hand. O'Neill jutted his chin at him.
"Hey, there, Colonel O'Neill," Moe said. "Big fan. Love your work there with saving the Earth and everything."
"Thanks, Moe. I like your work, too. With the Duff beer and the drinks and all that."
"Thanks, man. Appreciate it."
"No problem. What's on your mind, Moe?"
As he glanced off nervously, Moe hunched a little as he rubbed the back of his neck.
"It's like this: It's one thing for us to take on Mr. Burns when we thought he was a glowing alien. What are we supposed to do against these 'ghouls?'"
"First of all, Moe, it's 'Goa'uld.' And don't worry. Walter's going to hit all of you with an extra shot from his brain ray doohickey. You'll know exactly what to do."
The people of Springfield made collective sounds of relief and appreciation.
Walter talked with a laugh in his voice. "'Doohickey' is the technical term for my brain programming device."
"Thanks, Colonel O'Neill," Moe said. "Thanks for letting us help you save the Earth."
"Ah!" O'Neill said, sharply raising a finger. "I don't save the Earth by myself. It's a team effort. Just like with the Scooby gang."
The people of Springfield laughed heartily. Homer laughed as well. As he did, his shoulders shook, and he murmured, "Scooby gang." Then, licking his lips, he appreciatively added, "Mmm. Scooby Snack."
O'Neill held out his hand. "Let me introduce my team. There's all-around know-it-all Daniel Jackson. The smartest, and hottest, scientist I know, Doctor-Major Samantha Carter. And straight from Chulak, the one, the only Teal'c! No other name. Just Teal'c."
"Like Cher or Madonna," Teal'c said. "Though I bear no resemblance to either woman."
O'Neill smiled as he held up his hand. "There you have it, folks. These are my Scoobies!"
Polite applause followed. While Teal'c and Carter each gave a slight bow (with Carter supplying a shy smile), Daniel made a face.
"Not sure I like being referred to as a 'Scooby.'"
"They are honorable warriors," Teal'c insisted. When Daniel scowled, Teal'c's eyebrows shot up.
"The Scooby gang fights ghosts," O'Neill declared. "Fake ones. We fight the Goa'uld. For real!"
The Springfield crowd cheered but one man protested.
"I don't like ghouls," Abe Simpson moaned loudly.
"There's just one thing to do with their kind: Kill them! Kill them!"
O'Neill waved his hand at the man with the red beard, the kilt and the angry manic look.
"Slow your roll there, Groundskeeper Willie. We're going to do this without killing anyone. Which should make Daniel happy."
If Daniel was happy, he certainly didn't show it. Instead, he wore a deep frown on his face. That was because Homer moved rapidly back and forth in front of him. As he did, he peppered the archaeologist with a series of rapid-fire questions.
"Hey, Daniel! Are you sure Teal'c doesn't have some other name? Like 'Johnson' or 'Anderson' or 'Ferguson' or 'Gunderson' or maybe even 'Teal'c-son?' What about 'Sir' or 'Mister' or 'His Majesty?' Duke? Earl? Prince? The former Jaffa formerly known as 'Prince?'"
Finally, Daniel punched him in the stomach. As Homer ran off sobbing, Carter gave Daniel a look.
"Are you sure you're a pacifist?"
"Some people just become too much, Sam."
"Your are indeed correct, Daniel Jackson. Especially regarding Homer Simpson."
"Stuff it, Teal'c."
As a testy Daniel slapped his arms over his chest, Teal'c raised an eyebrow.
Nearby, Walter gave Carter a somber look.
"I apologize, Major Carter. My behavior modification ray can have unfortunate side effects. Among them occasional uncharacteristic erratic behavior."
"In Springfield, how could you tell the difference?" Daniel sniffed.
"Indeed."
Daniel's hands quickly went down and he clenched his fists as he gave the ex-Jaffa a sharp look.
"You trying to start something with me, Teal'c? You want some of this? Huh? You want a piece of me?"
Teal'c moved slightly closer then spoke through gritted teeth.
"Bring it, Daniel Jackson."
Much like Michael Jackson with the gang members in the "Beat It" video., an annoyed Carter stepped between the two.
"All right, you guys. Calm down. Take it easy. Ask yourselves: What would Thor want you to do?"
Daniel maintained his harsh gaze.
"Thor can bite me."
"He may bite me as well. In fact, he may bite me first."
"No way. Only after he bites me first."
Walter zapped them both with a gleaming silver device that looked like a giant Dirt Devil.
Instantly, Daniel lit up.
"Hey, Teal'c! Buddy! How's it going?"
"I am indeed well, Daniel Jackson. I am pleased to see that you are well as well." Teal'c wore a slight smile.
"I am very well as well. Buddy!" Daniel gave Teal'c a slight punch on a very big shoulder. Teal'c responded with a slight bow from the waist.
While all this went on, O'Neill kept his focus on the Springfield crowd.
"Any other questions?" he asked, eyebrows raised in a prompting look. His hand swept the crowd.
Moe's hand shot up again. "Yeah! How did this happen?"
"Right!" O'Neill exclaimed as he raised a finger. "I forgot. You folks have had your memories wiped out quite a bit."
"Not mine, man!"
"Yes. Thank you, Bart."
"Not mine, either!"
"Yes. Thank you, Homer." Once again, O'Neill surveyed the crowd. "Now would be a good time for a few fitting words." With a slight frown, he paused. He then offered these solemn words: "Nothing comes to mind."
A still-smiling Walter stepped forward. As he grabbed the microphone, there was some slight squealing feedback. It did not at all diminish Walter's smile or his genial manner.
"Colonel O'Neill, if I may?" The colonel held out an introductory hand then made a face as a squelch of loud feedback followed. Once it was done, Walter gave the crowd a cordial grin. "I have been observing the citizens of Springfield for quite some time and have collected a great deal of data about them."
"What?"
"You have?"
"I'll arrest you, punk!"
"Yeah, I'll arrest you, too."
"Hey! No fair!"
"Hmm. Not sure how I feel about that."
"Arr! Right you are about that, Marge Simpson!"
Still sporting the gracious cheerful smile, Walter waved both hands in a "calm down" gesture.
"It's all right, I assure you. I only did it to help prepare for a Goa'uld invasion so we could defend ourselves, my fine Springfield friends."
The people of Springfield murmured their approval, many nodding their heads as they chatted agreeably with one another.
"That's okay then," town drunk Barney said in his warbly high-pitched voice.
The town's buck-toothed professor concurred. "As long as it's in the name of science."
Long-haired bus driver Otto simply smiled and nodded, with headphones on.
Walter, sans headphones, smiled and nodded as well.
"Because I understand the situation, I believe I can answer the gentleman's question." He held out his hand to indicate Moe.
"Gentleman?" A wide-eyed teary-eyed Moe clutched his hands to his heart. "No one's ever called me that before."
"Enjoy it, Moe," O'Neill said. He then waved his hand at Walter. "I'm no diplomat, doc."
"No, you are not," Walter said with a chuckle.
"No, sir," Carter said, shaking her head.
"Nope," Daniel said.
"Indeed."
"No way," Homer said, waving his hand dismissively.
There was a slight frown from O'Neill. "Obviously you are, Walter. Take it away on the answer to the question."
With his own smile taking on a slightly daffy quality, Walter waved his right index finger as he spoke in a dramatic voice.
"This all began when Bart sneaked inside the base."
The crowd tutted their knowing disapproval. If there was a crisis in Springfield, it figured that Bart Simpson would be involved.
"Yeah, man!" Bart exclaimed joyfully. He then did a little dance before the crowd, oblivious to the frowns and glares that formed in response.
As that went on, Walter thought about how he had been to other worlds. Now, through his excellent storytelling skills, he was about to take the people of Springfield back in time. Only figuratively, of course. They would be with Bart as he sneaked his way into the Stargate Command base.
But first Walter informed the people of this important item.
"This may surprise you, my Springfield friends, but when the Goa'uld attack, the Simpsons will be our first line of defense."
The people of Springfield gasped. And if you've ever seen dozens of Springfield faces light up in amazement, you know it's quite a sight.