Part Two:

Bart Sneaks In To Stargate Command

Bart Simpson was doing his usual writing on the blackboard.

In this case, he was writing over and over again in large white block letters: "I WILL NOT TALK DURING A TEST." A pretty pedestrian offense for Bart. Usually, his mischief was much more creative.

But Bart had a way of adding to even his minor mischief. Each time he wrote out the sentence he added a little line to the bottom of the first "T" in "TEST." So each sentence actually read "I WILL NOT TALK DURING A JEST." It was so subtle that Mrs. Krabappel wouldn't even notice.

Viewing his handiwork, Bart laughed his evil laugh, a kind of high-pitched squawky guffaw. Bart's sister Lisa sometimes guffawed with him, especially during "Itchy and Scratchy" cartoons. But Bart's evil laugh also had the manic quality of local children's TV host Krusty the Klown.

When the school bell rang, Bart quickly dashed out of the classroom. Normally, he would jump on his skateboard and terrorize the good citizens of Springfield. Anyone unfortunate enough to be on the sidewalk would have to jump back and look annoyed, grumble, shake a fist. This could include everyone from Police Chief Wiggums to genial convenience store owner Apu.

This day was different because Bart spied his nemesis Principal Seymour Skinner in a black military uniform looking around in a furtive suspicious manner. In response, Bart narrowed his eyes. He decided he would use his skateboard to follow Skinner.

There might, after all, be a chance to further embarrass his nemesis. Like the time Bart put an image of Skinner on a hot air balloon. Recalling that, Bart laughed his evil laugh once again.

When Skinner disappeared into a tunnel guarded by military police, Bart's natural reaction was "Huh?" Any other little boy would have turned back. Not Bart. He searched the area until he found a vent to crawl into.

Inside the vent, Bart did his best impersonation of Bruce Willis as John McLean in "Die Hard."

"Hey! Come out to the coast. We'll have a few laughs. Embarrass Principal Skinner."

Bart's evil laugh echoed inside the vent.

Bart had no idea there would soon be a crisis that would bring back some of Springfield's most unusual visitors, among then Mulder and Scully from the FBI as well as Jack Bauer from the Counter-Terrorist Unit.

There would be some new visitors, too.

The problem began when Bart emerged from that vent.

One moment Bart was humming a happy tune ("Jingle Bells, Batman Smells," I believe it was), the next Bart emerged from the vent. He gasped as he looked up into a large angry grim face.

The voice was equally angry and grim.

"What are you doing here, little boy?"

The large man lifted Bart up by the bottom of his shorts.

"Were you the one in the ventilation system quoting 'Die Hard?'"

As he hung from the grim man's large hand, Bart gasped and groaned as he wildly kicked his little legs. That was when he heard a familiar, and amazingly friendly, voice.

"Hello, Bart! I see you've met Teal'c."

The large man looked over at Skinner, who shook a little as he laughed.

"How could you not meet Teal'c? He's a big guy. Gold medallion on his forehead. Goa'uld in his stomach." Here, Skinner gestured to his own stomach. "You can't miss him!"

Teal'c continued with the harsh angry look and the grim voice.

"Seymour Skinner! Do you know this child?"

Once again, Skinner laughed and shook. "Yes, Teal'c. That's Bart Simpson. He's no real threat."

"Hey!" Bart protested.

"We shall see." Teal'c held Bart up to eye level and gave him the evil eye. "I shall put you down now. Do not attempt to flee."

"Don't sweat it, man. I don't have my skateboard with me." Bart had hidden it in a bush near the vent opening.

Once he was safely on the ground, Bart stared up at Teal'c for a few seconds. Finally, he spoke.

"What's that thing on your forehead, big guy?"

"It is a symbol of slavery to false gods."

"Cool!"

"It is not cool. And do not call me 'big guy.'"

"Got it, dude."

"Do not call me 'dude.'"

"Okay, man!"

Teal'c was silent as he visibly sulked.

"Oh, snap," Skinner said, snapping his fingers. Briefly, he laughed and shook. "Teal'c is a member of a team called 'SG-1.'"

Bart made a face. "What kind of name is that for a team?"

"It's got letters and a number. As an educator, I appreciate that."

Like his father, Bart was easily distracted and could quickly switch topics. He looked around and pointed.

'"What is this place? What are you doing here?"

Teal'c's grim look was now more of a scowl. "You ask a great many questions, little boy."

"It's my job, man. I'm a kid."

"'Kid' is not a job."

"Hey, man. You're obviously got a stick up your butt."

"I have no such appendage."

"Do, too!"

As Teal'c's scowl grew deeper, Skinner once again laughed.

"It could be worse, Teal'c. If Bart's sister Lisa was here, they'd both ask you a bunch of questions. You know how kids are."

"I do not. My son Ry'ac is not so….Bart-like."

"I bet! Just like Master Bra'tac is nothing like General Hammond."

"No, he is not. Though they are allies."

"As are you and I, Teal'c. And maybe Bart, too."

"Unlikely."

"Yo! Uptight dudes!" Bart shouted. "What is this place?"

"This is Stargate Command, Bart. We travel to other worlds through a device called the Stargate, and we work to protect Earth from alien invaders. Especially the ones called 'Goa'uld.'" Skinner's narrow eyes darted back and forth.

"Whoa!" Bart exclaimed, and his own eyes narrowed. "What are….'Goa'uld?'" he asked in a low ominous whisper.

"That is classified," Teal'c said as he gave Bart a stern look. "Remain here, one called 'Bart.' I shall inform General Hammond of the situation."

Teal'c shot Bart one more warning look then he departed.

As Teal'c walked away, Skinner laughed.

"That Teal'c. He's such a cut-up."

"He's something," Bart said.

Bart wondered why Skinner was so different in this place. Skinner went on narrating like a caffeinated Troy McClure

"Stargate Command used to be in Colorado Springs but General Hammond decided to hide it in Springfield when the Russians tried to steal it." A shadow covered Skinner's face as he adopted an angry suspicious look. "Lousy pinkos."

Now there was the Skinner Bart knew.

"And you work here?"

"To pick up some extra cash, yes. A lot of people from Springfield work here."

From down the hall, Bart heard a high-pitched voice say, "Hi, everybody!" An enthusiastic crowd responded, "Hi, Dr. Nick!"

Before Bart could comment on that, he gasped as he saw his father standing nearby.

"Dad! You work here, too?"

Homer Simpson, wearing his usual look of confusion, moved his head back and forth rapidly. "I do? You mean this isn't the nuclear power plant?"

As Homer ran off, Bart gave Skinner a skeptical look. "I'm not buying it. How could a bunch of people from Springfield work at a secret base and not one person blabs about it?"

There was that laugh again with the shaking. "It's very simple, Bart. On the way out, they hit us with a memory-zapper."

"Whoa. Really?"

"We get a mental note telling us when to return. From our perspective, we clock in then clock out. It's why people love working here."

"Cool."

"It doesn't matter if you had a conflict with a co-worker. At the end of the day, you're shaking hands."

"Whoa. Again."

"Of course, since you feel like you were only here a few seconds you can really blow your paycheck. After all, it feels like you didn't make that much effort for the money. So you spend it all real fast. I know Mother wasn't happy about that." Skinner held a finger to his chin as he looked up. "But what we're doing here is important, Bart. We're protecting Earth from alien invaders."

"Skinner!" someone said in a sharp voice. "You're not authorized to give out details of this command."

Skinner simply laughed. "Bart, this is General George Hammond."

The general was bald and wore short sleeves. To Bart, he looked like a bit of a grump. Maybe not as much as Teal'c but still kind of a grump. So Bart kept his focus on Skinner.

"Hey, general dude," Bart said as he pointed to Skinner. "Why is this guy so happy?"

"It's probably because he's been hit with a behavior modification ray." The woman who spoke had short blond hair, blue eyes and a pleasant grin.

"Bart, this is Major Samantha Carter."

"Hello." With the grin was a cordial nod.

"And with her is Colonel Jack O'Neill and Dr. Daniel Jackson."

"Howdy, Bart."

"Hey." Daniel gave a little wave.

While the others were friendly or at least polite, Hammond remained stern and businesslike.

"I suppose you think you're pretty smart sneaking in here like that." As Hammond spoke, Skinner, wearing a doltish smile, hummed a merry tune. In another universe, it was known as the "Stargate" theme. "I saw you on our security cameras. I sent Teal'c to intercept you. Do you really think there's anything that happens on this base that gets by me?"

"Well," Skinner said pointedly. Behind him, O'Neill coughed suggestively while Carter and Daniel looked away. "There was that time Hathor took control of all the men on the base."

A brown-haired woman with a perky face, a blue uniform and a lab coat quickly passed through.

"Major Carter and I rescued everyone! Yay, us!"

"Thank you, Dr. Frasier," Skinner said with a laugh. A wide-eyed Bart looked off.

"Dr. Janet Frasier, everybody!" O'Neill announced, holding out his hand.

Skinner nodded at Bart. "It's true, Bart. Dr Frasier and Major Carter freed all the men."

Bart smiled. "Way to go, Major Carter! And you, too, doc!" he called down the hall.

"Thanks, Bart." Though she smiled, Carter looked a little embarrassed and uncertain.

"Don't be so modest," O'Neill said, tapping her lightly on the shoulder.

Skinner tapped his chin with his finger as he mused aloud. "What else got by you, general?"

O'Neill gave Skinner an inquiring look. "Been reading out files again, have you, Skinner?"

"It's great reading, colonel. So let's see, general: there were those alien impersonators during the foothold situation. And how many dangerous diseases and devices have you allowed in here?"

"All right, Skinner, that's enough," Hammond harrumphed. He held up a thick folder. "I've got an entire file on you, Bart Simpson. It's clear you're a troublemaker, a real rabble rouser. Worse than Dennis the Menace."

"Pfft!" Bart stuck his tongue out then waved a dismissive hand. "Dennis Mitchell from Shelbyville? He's nothing."

"Well, I wouldn't let either one of you near my granddaughters, I can tell you that. According to our behavior analyst Kramer you're a regular Woody Woodpecker."

"Thanks, general dude."

"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Skinner laughed like the cartoon bird.

Hammond made a face then went one. "But our science team says you and your family will be vital in our defense against the Goa'uld. So I'll tolerate your presence here, For now. But only because I know you'll have your memory erased."

"No one would believe him anyway, general."

"I'm not so sure, Skinner. They believed him about the comet."

"Oh, yes," Skinner said darkly. "The comet." As his expression darkened, a shadow fell over his face once again.

"I don't know, general. Bart seems harmless enough."

"I'm not so sure, colonel. In any case, I've been ordered to treat Bart Simpson like a mischief-maker."

"Ah! That sounds serious, sir."

"Be cautious, O'Neill," Teal'c said. "Bart Simpson could be a John McLean."

"Oh. Hey, Teal'c. When'd you get here?" Turning back to Hammond, O'Neill shrugged. "I'm just saying, general. Maybe we could cut the boy some slack."

"I'm not so sure, colonel. From what I've read, Bart is a bit of a rebel. And he's notorious for fake apologies."

With a sad look, Bart bowed his head. "I'm sorry."

"See? Right there."

"Ah," O'Neill said.

Turning away, Bart quietly laughed his evil laugh.

"I have my orders from above, colonel. Unlike you and Bart, I obey my orders. Now let's get this base cleared out for the day."

As the citizens of Springfield lined up to leave, O'Neill turned to Teal'c.

"You know, Teal'c, if we stay here too long, we might actually get dumber."

"Indeed."

"Not Carter, of course."

"Thank you, sir."

"It is unlikely Daniel Jackson would decrease in intelligence."

"Eh." O'Neill made iffy noises as he waved a hand in an uncertain wishy-washy gesture.

As the people of Springfield got memory-zapped, there were different reactions. Some smiled and sighed dreamily. (Skinner was one of those along with long-haired stoner bus driver Otto). Others reacted with "Huh?" or "What?" (Police Chief Wiggums and his son Ralph were among those. Ralph was a lab rat inside the facility.) Still others acted like they were being electrocuted. Bart was one of those.

But it turned out he was only faking it. As he walked away from the base, Bart once again laughed that evil laugh.

The memory-zapper hadn't worked on Bart. The Simpson brain was probably too unusual for that. Bart remembered everything about his visit to Stargate Command.

He wasn't planning to tell anyone. For now.