Part Three:
SG-1 Meets The Simpsons
Marge Simpson was busy attending to her bustling household when there was a knock at the door.
When she answered, she found several very serious-looking individuals assembled atther front door. All were in blue uniforms, except for one big grim-faced guy who wore a black uniform.
"Oh, my," she said in her distinctive squawking voice.
Marge, it should be noted, was the kind of mother who, if monsters invaded Springfield (and they could), she would insist that her kids wear sweaters.
This was no doubt a way of trying to assert control in an out-of-control situation. Which might include people getting knocked out in her living room. As would happen with the serious-looking people in blue.
"May I help you?" Marge asked the people.
The man at the front center of the group briefly lifted his hat, and his smile was very smarmy.
"Good day, ma'am," he said in a tone more fitting for a used car salesman. "I'm Major Davis, United States Air Force."
"And I'm Colonel Maybourne." The man next to Davis raised his own hat. His vocal tone, like his smile, was just a little off, like he was trying too hard to be friendly. It got worse when he pointed a finger in greeting. "Yo!" he said way too enthusiastically.
"'Yo' to you, too," Marge said uncertainly. There was confusion in her voice as she blinked and pressed a yellow finger to her chin.
Another man in blue stuck his head out from Maybourne's side. With a look of manic cheer, he waved.
"They call me 'Samuels.' Yo! Hey!"
"Hey," Marge said, even more uncertain then before.
A tall man in sunglasses spoke in a stoic, almost bored manner.
"Don't sweat it. Samuels is kind of a weasel. So is Maybourne. So is Davis. Don't worry, though. They won't be staying."
Still sporting the smarmy smile, Davis talked like a game show host as he gestured wildly to the tall man.
"This is Colonel Jack O'Neill. The really smart-looking one is Major Samantha Carter. The nerdy-but-handsome one is Dr. Daniel Jackson. And the mountain of a man is Teal'c."
"Just Teal'c?" Marge inquired.
O'Neill put out a flat palm, gesturing something level.
"Just Teal'c. No other name."
"Like Cher or Madonna," Maybourne offered helpfully.
"Though I bear no resemblance to either woman," the mountain of a man said with utmost seriousness.
"Sheesh!" Bart murmured. "Is this guy ever happy?"
"He does seem unhappy," Lisa Simpson muttered.
Maybourne waved a finger. "Careful, children. I won't tolerate a bad attitude."
Bart and Lisa both stuck their tongues out and blew raspberries. Maybourne's response was a crestfallen look.
Samuels stuck his head out again along with a hand. "There you have it," he said in a manic voice. "O'Neill, Carter, Daniel and Teal'c. Just Teal'c. No other name." With a Woody Woodpecker type laugh, he ducked back in.
"I see," Marge said with some trepidation. She then reverted to her tole as ever-gracious hostess. "I'm Marge Simpson. This is Bart and Lisa and little Maggie. My husband Homer should be home soon. Is this for the census?"
"I can see how you might think that but no," O'Neill said.
"But we are with the government," Maybourne said. As he wore his unconvincing smile, he bent down to talk to the children. "We're the good guys."
"Yeah, right," Bart and Lisa muttered together.
As Maybourne reverted to his crestfallen look, Davis kept his smarmy smile plastered on.
"Colonel O'Neill and his associates are part of a team called 'SG-1.'"
"Really?" Marge said. "That doesn't sound like a very good name for a team."
"That's what I said, too!"
Wearing a look of suspicion, Marge glanced down at her son.
"Bart, have you been sneaking into secret bases again?"
"As Teal'c would say, 'That's classified.'" As Bart attempted a deep voice, Teal'c responded with a look of slight surprise.
"Bart," Marge said insistently.
Bart shrugged. "If I did sneak into a secret base, it's not my fault."
"Bart's right, Mom," Lisa said. "In his defense, I would say that people should keep their secret underground bunker doors locked."
"Thanks, Lise," Bart said.
"It's not like we keep the key under a garden gnome," O'Neill said.
"Hmm," Marge said with a glance at her son. "We'll talk about this later, Bart."
Bart bowed his head. "I'm sorry."
"And stop with the fake apologies!" Marge screeched.
After her screech, Marge made a low growling noise in her throat. She was married to Homer, and Homer had many flaws and annoying traits. She had Bart for a son, and Bart had a penchant for trouble. So you can imagine that Marge made that low growling noise quite often.
"We have a proposal for you, Marge," O'Neill said.
"Actually, it's more like a binding agreement or a treaty," Daniel said.
"Sounds serious," Marge said.
Davis nodded, still with the smile.
"The citizens of Springfield have agreed to take turns lodging Colonel O'Neill and his team."
"It's your turn," Maybourne announced.
Samuels stuck his head out again. "Tag! You're it!"
Daniel promptly slugged Samuels. Teal'c threw him out on the lawn where he landed face down.
Carter gave Daniel a look. "I thought you were a pacifist."
"I am, but some people become too much, Sam."
"So you can accept people from different cultures but not Samuels?"
"I could accept aliens whose skulls are transparent. But not Samuels."
"It's okay, Daniel," O'Neill said. "Samuels was kind of a weasel."
"As is Major Davis." Teal'c slugged him and threw him on the lawn.
"Hey!" Carter objected. "I want to knock somebody out."
"Maybe Rodney McKay later," O'Neill offered.
"I'd like that, sir."
"We'll do it together," the colonel said softly.
Daniel scowled. "Get a room, you two."
Finger to her chin once again, Marge looked a little worried. "I normally don't care for people being knocked out in my living room. But they did seem like weasels."
"Oh, believe me, Marge, they were," O'Neill said.
"And who's Rodney McKay?"
O'Neill shrugged . "Just another weasel."
"Is he like Dennis Rodman?" Bart asked.
"No, Bart. Not at all."
"Who is he?" Lisa asked.
"You don't want to know, Lisa," Carter said.
"Just another guy who has a crush on Sam," Daniel sniffed.
"I can see how that might happen," Lisa said, smiling up at Carter.
With a sigh, O'Neill removed his sunglasses and casually stepped forward.
"Marge. May I call you 'Marge?'"
"That's my name."
"Here's the deal: We just can't live with Comic Book Guy any more."
"Worst. Situation. Ever," Daniel said emphatically. He sported a bored-and-annoyed look.
O'Neill pointed. "There! See that? See that look on Daniel's face? You know what that looks like? It looks like Peter Parker being controlled by Venom!"
"Who? What?" Marge stammered.
"'Spider-Man 3,'" Bart and Teal'c said together. "Jinx!" Bart shouted. He punched Teal'c's left calf. "Ow!"
As a grim-faced Teal'c glanced down only briefly. O'Neill gestured tearing his hair out.
"I'm turning into a nerd, Marge! Comic Book Guy is turning me into a nerd!"
"It's true, Marge," Carter said with great Carter-like solemnness.
"How much talk about the Avengers and the Justice League and 'Star Trek' and shows about space can a guy listen to?" O'Neill spread his hands out. "It's almost as bad as listening to Carter prattle on about science!"
"Hey!….sir."
Resting her face on little yellow hands with her eyes half-closed in a dreamy look, Lisa looked up at Carter once again.
"I bet I could listen to that all day."
Carter responded with a twitching but not unfriendly smile. A gentle grin, really.
An emphatic O'Neill waved his arms. "Marge! The guy is turning me into a nerd! And do you have any idea what it's like having to look at that great big stomach?"
"Well…."
"He informed me of a comic strip in which Mary Worth advises a friend to commit suicide."
"See? Even Teal'c doesn't like him. And Teal'c likes everybody!"
"Oh, yeah," Bart muttered.
"Can you help us out, Marge? Can you put us up?"
"Hmm."
"Please, please, please, please?" O'Neill clasped his hands. The others joined him. Well, except Teal'c , who just stood there looking off to the side with a grim look on his face.
From his lab, Walter Bishop saw and heard all this on a monitor. As he took it all in, he had this thought.
Consider carefully what you will do, Marge. It may determine how well we fare in our fight against the Goa'uld.
He then turned to the monitor playing "WandaVision" and laughed heartily.