Part Four:

Homer Meets SG-1

(After A Rant About The Constitution)

Marge Simpson looked deep in thought as she carefully weighed her decision to welcome SG-1 into her home.

"We-e-e-ell," she said hesitantly, drawing out the word.

"Ye-e-e-es!?" O'Neill raised his eyebrows and his chin.

"I'd like to help you and your team, Colonel O'Neill."

"Bu-u-ut?"

Marge glanced off. "But...isn't this against the Constitution?"

"Is it now?"

"Mom's right," Lisa said. "The Constitution states we can't be forced to give quarters to members of the military."

"That hurts," O'Neill said. "And we're such wonderful people."

"Nevertheless, Lisa Simpson is correct. The right she describes exists either in your Constitution or in the Declaration of Independence."

"Thank you, Mr…..Teal'c, is it?"

"Correct again, Lisa Simpson."

To Bart's amazement, Teal'c actually smiled a little.

"Whoa! Careful there, big guy. Don't hurt your face."

"I do not believe any adjustment to my face would result in facial injury, Bart Simpson."

Bart shrugged and smiled a little. "You never know. Why take the chance, dude?"

Lisa looked thoughtful. "You seem very deep, Mr. Teal'c."

Teal'c gave a slight bow.

"And you might actually have a sense of humor, dude."

Daniel folded his arms over his uniform. "In any case, we don't want to violate the rights of the Simpsons."

"Or anyone's rights," Carter said.

"Indeed."

"'Indeed,'" Bart said, attempting a deep voice. Teal'c raised an eyebrow.

"Then let's not violate the Constitution," Lisa urged.

As he waved his hand dismissively and rolled his eyes, Maybourne laughed in a way that sounded like Dr. Hibbard. But when he spoke, he sounded more like Troy McClure.

"The Constitution? Who pays attention to that silly old thing anymore?"

With angry eyes, Lisa put her hands on her hips. "Well, you should!"

More rolling of the eyes from Maybourne. "There's a lot of things we should do, little girl. But we don't. We should uphold religious expression. But what do we do instead? We ban it when it's on public property!"

"Oh, no," Carter murmured.

"Here we go," Daniel sighed.

"What?" Bart said.

"Colonel Maybourne is about to pontificate, as he often does."

"He got fired from a corporation once for being a weasel. Complains there was no due process afterwards," O'Neill explained. "Then for a brief time he was an Air Force chaplain."

Arms spread wide and a manic quality in his face, Maybourne went on. "We should uphold free expression. But what do we do instead? You say something someone doesn't like, you can get fired, maybe even hauled away by the police. No due process, no chance to explain. We just throw you out like so much garbage. And why? Because feelings are more important than the Con-sti-tu-tion!" He said the word in a bitter almost sing-song way. "Why care about the Constitution if your own personal demands can be met, if authorities have to give in to your personal whims?"

As Marge looked confused, and possibly concerned, O'Neill glared a little. "Maybourne, have you had too much caffeine again?"

As Marge stared, Maybourne went on.

"You were just supposed to know what offended someone else," he said, moving his hips back and forth. He stopped, and like an umpire, he thrust his thumb out. "You're out of here!"

As Bart and Lisa watched all wide-eyed with wonder, Maybourne bent over and delivered a loud wet raspberry.

"What else is wrong with that?" he asked of no one in particular.

Maybourne went on about the Constitution and feelings for quite some time until finally Marge erupted.

"All right! I'll do it! Just stop talking already! Shut up!"

Maybourne stood up straight and gave a sharp salute. "Roger that!" With a big toothy smile, he gave a thumbs up. "A-okay! Over and out!"

An exasperated Marge shook her head. "Your stupid team can stay."

"Well, now," O'Neill said. "Who can resist a warm invitation like that?"

"It's still against the Constitution," Lisa insisted in a flat voice. Her eyes were half-closed as part of a bored cycnical look. The kind of look she sometimes had when she argued with her father.

"Yes, it is," O'Neill said. "But if you can live with it, Lisa, I can live with it."

"I'm not sure I can live with it, Colonel O'Neill."

"Got it, Lisa."

Lisa rapidly repeated herself. "It's against, the Constitution, it's against the Constitution, it's against the Constitution."

"Be silent, Lisa Simpson."

"It's free speech, Teal'c."

"Yeah. Free speech, man."

"Nevertheless, mere repetition does not make for an argument. One must engage in reason."

"You really are very deep, Teal'c," Lisa said. She then decided to sing. "It's against the Con-sti-tution!"

With a smarmy smile and a slightly manic look in his eyes,, Maybourne knelt down to talk to Lisa.

"Why not forget about that silly old Constitution, little girl, and go play with your Malibu Stacey instead?"

A smiling Lisa produced a silver vial and popped it open. A green mist poured out, and Maybourne fell face down on the floor. Teal'c promptly threw him out on the lawn.

"Whoa, Lisa! What is that stuff?" O'Neill asked.

"A knockout gas. I made it from stuff I found lying around the house."

"Wow, Lisa. You're a regular MacGyver," O'Neill said.

Marge waved a finger. "You be careful with your knockout gas, Lisa."

"I will, Mom. Thanks for letting me do that."

"You're welcome, sweetie."

As Carter knelt down to talk to Lisa, the doctor-scientist beamed.

"You're obviously a very smart little girl, Lisa."

"Oh, it's nothing," Lisa said shyly.

"Like I said, you're a regular MacGyver," O'Neill said.

"You bet she is."

There in the window stood Angus MacGyver with his mullet and a tank top. With duct tape in one hand, he used his other hand to give a thumbs up while offering a toothy smile.

"I taught Lisa all my tricks, everything I know."

"Thanks, Mr. MacGyver," Lisa said joyfully as she waved.

"Yeah. Thanks, Mac," O'Neill said with a wave of his own.

As MacGyver walked away, Daniel grinned as he knelt down and held up an upright palm.

"High-five, Lisa!"

A smiling Lisa high-fived Daniel, Carter and O'Neill.

"Attagirl!" As O'Neill rose, he gestured to his Jaffa friend. "What do you say, Teal'c? Want to give Lisa a high-five?"

"I will not."

"You're a real booger, Teal'c."

"As are you, Bart Simpson."

"You're a bigger booger."

"Oh, snap!" O'Neill gave Teal'c a look. "Come on, T. You don't want to be a big booger, do you?"

"I do not." Teal'c's eyes narrowed sightly. "I commend you on your skills, Lisa Simpson. However, I will only engage in celebratory gestures like the high-five when the Goa'uld are defeated."

"Okay then, Teal'c," Lisa said in a chipper voice.

"Yes. Have it your way, T." O'Neill then turned to the Simpsons matriarch. "Listen, Marge, I know this isn't ideal for any of us. But the base is all filled up with visitors planning for an alien invasion. Can we give this living together a try?"

"Think of it, Mom," Bart said in a fake pleading voice. "Where would Teal'c go? Nobody likes him. He's completely unlikable."

Teal'c responded with a sour look Actually, more like one of his many variations of such a look.

"We'd really appreciate it," Daniel said.

"We really would," Carter said.

"I would, too!" Lisa exclaimed.

"It'd be a chance to learn about your culture."

"And I could get to know Lisa."

"Oh, boy!"

"And I could bug Teal'c."

Teal'c turned his head to the side. "I am indifferent in this matter."

"Aren't you always?"

"Be silent, Bart Simpson."

"No, you be silent."

"No, you."

"No, you."

"You."

Teal'c turned away again. "Perhaps Comic Book Guy is not so bad," he said.

"No!" O'Neill said sharply. He gave Marge an almost panicked look. "Marge?"

"Well..." Marge held a yellow finger to her chin once again.

"Ye-e-es?" O'Neill prompted.

"You have served our country."

"That we have."

"If you only knew," Bart muttered.

"Careful, Bart," O'Neill said. "Classified, remember?"

As Bart visibly sulked, Marge moved an "attaboy" fist. "You know what? We'll do it!"

O'Neill imitated the fist movement. "That's the spirit, Marge! And I promise: no more weasels."

"That's even better."

In the silence that followed, there were only sucking noises from Maggie with her pacifier.

That was when the bald head of the household walked in.

"Hey!" Homer Simpson said. "Who are the three guys lying on the lawn?" When he saw O'Neill, he yelped loudly. Then he angrily put his hands on his hips. "Who are you?" he demanded

O'Neill put his own hands on his hips. Not in an angry manner. More like posing for a statue.

"Colonel Jack O'Neill. Stargate Command."

A music sting followed. Similar to the one you might hear on "Castle."

Homer gasped. "Is that like that thing Buzz Lightyear belongs to?"

"No, this is different," O'Neill said.

"You're thinking of Star Command," Daniel said.

Once again, Carter gave him a look. Similar to the one she gave Joe from Indiana when he thanked her for her service.

"How do you know that?" she asked.

"I read," Daniel said with a mild shrug.

"Star Command," O'Neill mused, tapping his chin. "I think we worked with those guys once."

"We couldn't have, sir."

"Why not?"

"Because they're fictional, Jack."

"Indeed."

"Really? Hmm. Interesting." O'Neill turned to Homer and posed for a statue once again. "Anyway, we're here to kick some alien invader butt."

There was that music sting again, a little louder this time. With a slightly sour look, O'Neill turned to the marching band just outside the window.

"You guys want to give that a rest?" he said in a mild insistent tone..

The band members bowed their heads and groaned. They mumbled and grumbled as they trudged off.

"Homer, let me introduce everyone."

"If you must." Homer looked away as he crossed his arms.

Marge pointed to each person. "Besides Colonel O'Neill, there's Daniel and Major Carter-"

"Or Samantha," Lisa said dreamily.

"-and the big one is Teal'c. They're part of a team called SG-1."

Hands flew back to his hips. "What kind of stupid name is that for a team?" Homer demanded angrily.

"It's a good name," O'Neill insisted mildly.

"I think it's lame," Bart said.

"It is, in fact, you who are lame, Bart Simpson."

"I know you are, Teal'c, but what am I?" Bart wrapped up his clever airtight argument with up-and-down eyebrows and a smile. Teal'c merely scowled.

"I like the name. I like the team." Lisa's dreamy look returned. "I like Major Carter."

Carter bent down and smiled. "You can call me 'Sam.'"

"Okay...Sam."

"And you folks can call me 'Colonel O'Neill.'"

"And you can call me 'Homer!'"

"Roger that, Homer."

"The team will be staying with us for a while, Homey."

"Yes! We'll give our regards to Comic Book Guy."

Homer's head jerked back and forth.

"All right, 'Team-With-The-Stupid-Name!'" Homer spoke in his trademark angry mocking voice as he jutted his thumb at himself. "But we watch what I want to watch!"

"Right! You got it, Homer. Later we'll all run to the couch together." O'Neill then turned to the Simpsons matriarch. "So...Marge! My favorite hostess. What's for dinner?"

There was that low growl in Marge's throat again.

As Marge retreated to the kitchen while Homer and the kids went to watch TV, the members of SG-1 held a quiet huddle. But instead of O'Neill calling plays against the System Lords, the group discussed the situation.

"I don't know about this, Jack," Daniel murmured.

"I am uncertain as well, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c kept his deep voice as low as he could.

"Do you think Walter could be right about this, sir?" Carter blinked her big blue eyes as she shook her head. "Not our Walter. Other-Walter."

"I know which Walter you mean, Carter." When O'Neill talked to Carter this way, he managed to keep his usual irritation out of his voice so he sounded professional in a casual pleasant way

Briefly, the colonel glanced around. "Look, I don't always trust what other-Walter has to say. But I do trust Thor. And Thor says when the Goa'uld attack here, the Simpsons, this whole nutty family, will be our first line of defense."

"Yeah." Daniel made a face. "How's that going to work exactly?"

"I guess we'll find out soon enough, Daniel."

Yes, soon enough, Walter thought as he watched and listened.

Now, Walter thought. Who can explain "WandaVision" to me?