Part Five:

SG-1 Has Dinner With The Simpsons

"Bart. Son. Would you like to say grace?"

At the head of the dinner table, Homer Simpson spoke in his most ingratiating voice, the one he reserved especially for guests.

"Sure, Dad." The first, and only, son of the Simpsons closed his eyes, folded his hands, bowed his head and offered this stirring benediction: "Hey, God! We paid for this stuff ourselves so thanks for nothing!"

A future minister Bart was not. Unfortunately, some ministers might have the same attitude as Bart without the excuse of being immature brats.

As Teal'c might say, "Those who should lead others into belief are themselves disbelievers." He's deep, that Teal'c is. And very astute.

In any case, Home shouldn't have been surprised by Bart's "prayer." Bart had done this at least once before. But as usual, Homer flew into a rage. In fact, his middle name could be rage. It was actually Jay but….

"Why, you little!" Homer shouted. Both hands reached out to grab Bart. But then Homer abruptly stopped. As he froze, he let his eyes dart back and forth until they stopped to rest on Colonel O'Neill. One arm dropped as Homer let a big toothy smile spread across his face. Once the smile was done spreading, Homer gave little Bart a pat on the head.

"Isn't he a little angel?" Homer asked, his voice even more ingratiating than before. Meaning the voice became a little more high-pitched and mellow.

While Bart squinted from the head-patting, O'Neill wore a blank placid look.

"Not the word I would use," the colonel said.

The Simpsons and SG-1 were all gathered around an expanded Simpsons dinner table. That table had once hosted Gary Coleman as a Christmas guest. At that special Christmas, Gary offered a benediction intended to evoke Tiny Tim's immortal catchphrase "God bless us, everyone!" Only in Gary's case it was "What choo talkin' 'bout, everyone?"

He'd once asked Will Smith, the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, what he was talking about as Will and his family got ready to move.

It is unlikely that Col. O'Neill was thinking of Gary Coleman as he held up a spoon of Fruit Loops. (Since Marge's dinner guests were unexpected, she served cereal.) He was certainly thinking about something since he wore a thoughtful look.

O'Neill shared his thought. "I think the word I would use to describe Bart is 'rambunctious.'"

"Ooh," Homer said. "Ram-bunct-u-ous.'"

"I like that," Lisa said.

"Me, too, Lisa."

"Thanks, Major Carter. Sam."

Carter turned her gaze to the colonel. "That's a good word, sir."

"You like that?"

"It is most appropriate, O'Neill."

"I like it, too."

"Marge Siimpson and I are in agreement." Teal'c actually smiled a little as he spooned some oatmeal.

"Very good, Jack." Daniel reached over and gave O'Neill a pat on the head.

After squinting with one eye the way Bart had earlier, O'Neill scowled. Maybe not a Teal'c-level scowl but a scowl nonetheless.

"Daniel, do that to Santa's Little Helper. Don't do it to me." The Simpson family dog rested his head on O'Neill's lap, and the SG-1 leader gently stroked the creature's head.

"You like dogs, don't you, Colonel O'Neill?"

"Yes, I do, Lisa. I think every Earth child should have one."

"Except perhaps Bart Simpson."

Bart gave Teal'c a raspberry, which prompted a look of surprise from the former First Prime.

"Bart, be polite," Marge chided.

Abruptly, Daniel climbed up on a chair and held his hand high.

"Jack, I've got a Scooby Snack. Do you want it?"

"Yes!"

"Get it, get it!" Daniel prompted. "Up here, Jack! Get the Scooby Snack!"

As O'Neill jumped up trying to get the snack, Carter whispered to Teal'c.

"I think Dr. Bisbop's behavior modification ray needs some adjustment."

"Indeed."

With that dreamy look, Lisa smiled up at Carter.

"Major Carter….Sam. Is it true that you're a scientist who travels to other worlds?"

"It's true, Lisa."

"Wow. I'd love to do that."

"Maybe you'll get your chance."

"But only if you eat all your vegetables," Marge said.

"Okay, enough of the mushy girl stuff, and talk about vegetables," Bart said. "What's a Goa'uld?"

"Bart! Don't talk about things like that at the dinner table."

O'Neill held up a reassuring hand. "It's okay, Marge. The boy has to learn some time." He stopped to munch on his Scooby Snack. "A Goa'uld is a nasty little bugger, Bart. It's a snake that gets inside your head and takes control of everything you do."

"Whoa," Bart said as his eyes grew wide. It was hard to tell if he was intrigued or intimidated or both.

Homer, as usual, looked like he was in a daze.

"I heard Harriman and Siler talking. They said a Goa'uld can make you strong as an ox. Like Jack Lalanne or Richard Simmons!"

O'Neill made a face. "Did they actually mention Jack Lalanne and Richard Simmons?"

"No, that was me."

"Uh-huh. Well, it sounds like our old memory-wiper needs some fine-tuning." O'Neill popped in the last of his Scooby Snack.

Teal'c spoke in his usual solemn voice. "Walter Bishop did say the memory-wipe device might be ineffective against a very simple unsophisticated mind."

"Blah blah blah blah," Homer said angrily as Teal'c raised an eyebrow. "So is it true or what? Can a Goa'uld make you big and strong like Popeye?"

"It can indeed mean long life and healing from injury and illness."

Daniel waved a cautionary warning hand. "Trust me, Homer: you don't want a Goa'uld."

"But why not?" Homer groaned-moaned-whined.

Carter chimed in. "For one thing, Homer, you would lose your free will."

"Pfft!" Homer snorted with an eye-roll as he waved a dismissive hand. "Free will! What's the big deal? That's so-o-o-o overrated!"

"You don't want a snake in your head, Homer."

"I do so!"

"Do not."

"So!"

"Not!"

Homer scrunched up his face as he put a chubby finger to his chin. "I don't know, Colonel O'Neill. I can't help wondering."

"Ah! Now see? Right there. That's a problem, Homer. You wondering. Wondering leads to thinking. In your case, very bad thinking."

"I don't know. If I had a Goa'uld, it could cure my baldness."

"That won't work, Dad," Lisa said.

"Why not?"

Bart pointed. "Because! Look at Teal'c. He's got a Goa'uld, and he's bald."

"Good point." Homer waved his hand. "No Goa'uld for me!"

"Great. Glad we got that all settled." O'Neill turned to the lady of the house. "So, Marge: did I mention we need a ride to work?"

There was that low growl in her throat again.

Homer gave his new friend a pat on the head.

"Good Colonel O'Neill."

"Homer, stop," O'Neill said in a stern warning voice. "Anyway, don't worry about the whole Goa'uld thing. You and your family are going to be a big help to us in stopping that whole bunch. Which you'll learn more about tomorrow."

"Whoo-hoo!"

"Yes. Whoo-hoo."

Lisa turned to Carter.

"Just be careful. You may find riding in the car with my mom to be a little….wild."