Part Six:

Marge Drives SG-1 To Work

Having Marge Simpson drive you to work was quite an experience. It bordered on terrifying ordeal, really.

Oddly, Marge did not look like a menace, despite her tall blue beehive hairdo. As she engaged in her wild driving, she wore a smile that was serene, kind, friendly and even slightly daffy. She did not look at all manic as she sent the car swerving wildly.

Here's why her driving was so erratic:

Maggie sat at her toy steering wheel. As the little one moved the wheel and tapped the toy horn, Marge imitated her movements. This resulted in a lot of quick back-and-forth movement of the car (mostly on empty roads, thankfully). There was also occasional loud honking.

All ignored by Chief Wiggums and the Springfield Police, of course. They were too busy listening to Bob Marley.

In the back seat of the car, the members of SG-1 jerked forward and tilted side-to-side in abrupt violent movements. Most of the team shouted things like "Aaaah!" and "Whoa!"

All except Teal'c, of course. His formidable mass and great resolve allowed him to be mostly still. He was also silent because, well, he was Teal'c.

Though not as big as Teal'c, Lisa Simpson also sat in a still, quiet, unperturbed state. She was probably used to her mom's driving. Plus, I think she was very happy sitting in Major Carter's lap. Yes, the serene smile on her face and the dreamy look in her half-open eyes would suggest she was very happy.

In contrast, Colonel O'Neill was not as composed as he normally would be. In fact, he had a foot up very close to his cap and his dark "bug-eye" sunglasses. The grunting and groaning done by the colonel suggested he would have been more comfortable at the controls of a modified Goa'uld fighter craft, Except, of course, the one he and Teal'c got stuck in light-years from Earth.

"Geez-Louise, Marge!" O'Neill shouted. "Where'd you learn to drive? From Ziva?"

Ziva David was an NCIS agent temporarily assigned to Stargate Command. Currently, she sat in Teal'c's lap where she had this to say:

"With Marge driving, our duck is really cooked."

Teal'c addressed Ziva in a stern businesslike manner (which Bart would argue was his only manner).

"Ziva David, I do not believe you to be genuinely lacking in proficiency in the English language. Since you are a former Mossad assassin, others may find you intimidating."

"Not you, of course," Ziva cooed.

"Correct! I believe, however, you deliberately misuse simple English words to put others at ease and make yourself more endearing."

Ziva gave him a gentle grin. "Teal'c, you are clever like an ox."

With the car being relatively stable, so that SG-1 experienced no more violent back-and-forth movements, and O'Neill no longer had a foot near his cap, Carter addressed the colonel.

"I got the authorization, sir. From General Hammond and Marge."

O'Neill's eyebrows shot up, much as his foot had earlier. "You got authorization from Hammond and Marge? That's impressive, Carter."

A grin from the major followed. "Thank you, sir."

"I suppose Lisa is a lot like you when you were a little girl."

"You really think so, Colonel O'Neill?" Lisa still had that dreamy look as well as a lot of delight in her voice.

"Well, except for the pointy head, of course."

"Of course!" Lisa and O'Neill grinned at each other.

Daniel folded his arms over his uniform, as he often did when he was about to make a point.

"And I'm guessing Jacob is nothing like Homer."

"No one is like Homer, Daniel."

"Who's Jacob?" Lisa asked.

"My father," Carter explained.

"Perhaps with the increased health benefits Jacob Carter enjoys as a result of his Goa'uld symbiote, he, like Homer Simpson, is not afraid to consumer mass quantities of donuts."

"Not sure Goa'uld are big donut eaters there, T."

"Wait," Lisa said, looking alarmed. "Your father is a Goa'uld?"

"Don't worry, Lisa," O'Neill said. "It's not genetic."

Carter's tone was reassuring. "It's okay, Lisa. He's one of the good guys. Like Teal'c." As Teal'c smiled and bowed from the neck up, Carter gave Lisa something like a hug. "Would you like to go through the Stargate with me, Lisa?"

"Oh, boy! That'd be great! But I'll have to check with my mom." She turned toward the front seat. "Mom! Can I go through the Stargate?"

"Yes, dear, you can. I've arranged a couple days off from school for you."

"Thanks, Mom!"

"The way I look at it," Marge said, "this could be even more educational."

"Yay!"

"Yes, yay," O'Neill said. "Thanks, Marge."

"Just keep her safe."

"Roger that, Marge."

Lisa looked back up at Carter. "Normally I wouldn't want to miss any school. But this might be the best field trip of all!"

"It could very well be," Carter said with a little laugh.

"Like Marge said, you'll probably learn a lot," Daniel said.

"And I think Principal Skinner will understand," O'Neill said.

"Indeed."

"And who knows?" O'Neill said as his eyebrows went up in typical O'Neill fashion. "We might even have a little fun. You might find our base to be a lot like Disney World. Or Itchy and Scratchy Land."

"Without killer robots, I hope," Lisa said.

"We are without those," Teal'c said with a subtle little smile.

O'Neill lifted a finger. "But we do have a Stargate. And I remember when Carter first went through it. I had to give her a little push." The colonel leaned in toward Lisa. "Not too hard, of course."

"Of course!"

"She was so busy talking, though, I had to give her a little nudge."

Lisa laughed a little. "I don't think you'll have to do that with me, Colonel O'Neill."

"Glad to hear it." The colonel violently and abruptly jerked forward as the car was abruptly parked. "And the ride has come to a complete and sudden stop," he said.

After the others staggered out of the car, gasping and groaning as they did, O'Neill rose from his seat. As he did, Homer popped up from that location.

"No deal, O'Neill," he said sternly. Briefly, he brightened. "Hey, that rhymes." Then back to anger. "If Lisa goes, I go." With a cross look, he gestured "no way," then he put his hands on his hips.

As the others gathered around (except Marge who remained at the wheel), O'Neill considered.

"Thor did say you were important."

"You bet I am!"

"You and your whole family." After a moment's reflection, the colonel gestured "come hither, Homer." "What the hey, Homer? You can go with us."

"Whoo-hoo!"

"Yes! Whoo-hoo and all that," O'Neill said. Then he pointed. "To Oz!"

From her car seat, Marge was more reserved. "You be careful, Homey,"

"I will, Marge. Remember: I was an astronaut once."

"I know, and I'm very proud of you for doing this. But you still haven't learned how to use a touch tone phone."

"But I will learn. Right after I go through the Stargate!" Homer declared triumphantly.

Marge looked at her daughter and smiled. "Have a good time, Lisa. Be sure to dress warmly on the other side of the Stargate."

"I will, Mom. Thanks again!"

"And except for Teal'c, stay away from the Goa'uld."

As Teal'c gave a slight bow, O'Neill leaned in the passenger side window.

"Don't sweat it, Marge. Teal'c and I will go along, make sure they're all right."

"Thank you, Colonel O'Neill."

"And I will limit the damage done by Homer Simpson," Teal'c said, again with that subtle smile.

"I appreciate that, Teal'c."

O'Neill gave a little wave to the pacifier-sucking one. "'Bye, Maggie."

As Teal'c bowed in the direction of Maggie, Daniel stepped forward.

"I'll be going along, too, Marge."

"Hmm," Marge said. It wasn't a low angry growl. More like a skeptical one. "I don't know how I feel about an archaeologist watching my family."

As Marge drove off, Homer and Lisa both smiled while Daniel looked stunned.

"I know which way the bullets go in," he offered feebly.

O'Neill gave him a light pat on the arm. "Tough break, kid," he said. Then he headed into the tunnel that constituted the base entrance.

From his lab, Walter Bishop watched on a monitor.

"It will be a tough break indeed," he mumbled as he munched on licorice. "If the Goa'uld attack and we are not ready."