Part Eight:

How The Simpsons Will Help Fight The Goa'uld

It happened at the Beta Site, which was the back-up base for the Stargate Command Base in Springfield.

Homer Simpson did something he often does: he not only repeated himself he also bragged about something not worth bragging about.

Unfortunately, Homer had little to brag about. In fact, you could say he had a lot to be humble about.

But isn't Homer like all of us in that we want to acknowledge the things we do right and recognize whatever is good about us? As well we should.

And if we have flaws, we don't need to despair. We just need to figure out what we want to do to fix them.

In any case, this is what Homer had to say.

"I've said it before, I'll say it again: If you want dumb ideas, I'm your man!" When Homer held up an index finger, he struck a familiar pose.

"Dad!" Lisa exclaimed as she laughed, not in a mean way. "You look like John Travolta in 'Saturday Night Fever.'" She turned to Carter. "I saw it with my mom," she explained. Carter nodded.

"He does look like John Travolta in 'Saturday Night Fever,'" Daniel said. Teal'c simply stared.

"Yes!" Colonel O'Neill said, lifting an index finger of his own. "Would you like me to play some Bee Gees, Homer? Maybe get you a three-piece suit?"

From down the hall, Walter Bishop consulted a device that allowed him to not only observe the interaction between SG-1 and the Simpsons but to, at times, get a sense of the participants' thoughts.

"No, Colonel O'Neill." Homer jutted his finger up and down. "I just want to share my dumb ideas." But even as he moved his finger, he thought for a moment. "Maybe some Bee Gees would be nice."

"We will dispense with the topic of dumb ideas, and the Bee Gees, for now," Thor said.

Homer leaned into O'Neill and cupped his chubby hand over his mouth.

"The little alien guy is a little bossy, isn't he?"

"Never noticed," O'Neill said.

The "little alien guy" spoke in a tone that, to Homer, was a little sharp.

"What we need to discuss now is how you, the Simpsons, will help us fight the Goa'uld."

After a brief gasp, Homer adopted his usual dazed look.

"How will we do that?"

"I can't tell you."

"You can tell me," Homer protested. "I'm the one who has to do it."

"What I mean is I am not the right person to speak about it. It is not my area of expertise. Besides, I am not the Great Gazoo or Mr. Burns or the Marvel Comics' God of Thunder or part of the cast of 'Roswell.'"

"I'm sure you have some good points anyway," Homer offered gently.

"Perhaps so, Homer. Nevertheless, I am not qualified to explain."

"Don't feel bad," Homer said.

Once again, O'Neill couldn't tell if Thor was joking. Sometimes Thor said something with complete seriousness that might be meant as humorous. It was the same with Teal'c.

As O'Neill briefly contemplated this, a familiar voice spoke up.

"Why can't you explain, Thor?"

"Because, Lisa Simpson, someone else is more qualified. We need to hear from our resident expert on Springfield and the Simpsons. How we will fight the Goa'uld is a very important topic."

"You bet it is!" Homer shouted, waving a fist high above his head.

That was when a new arrival walked in.

"Quite right, my Asgard friend. And thank you for that kind introduction." The man who spoke had a lined face, curly brown hair and a genial smile. He held a clipboard to his white lab coat. "How do you do? I'm Dr. Walter Bishop. And as Hans and Franz said on that 'Saturday Night Live' skit: 'We are here to pump you up!'" His smile widened, as did the lines on his face. "Only in my case I am here to pump you full of information! But in a fun way," he emphasized, holding up a finger.

"What else are we here to do?" he asked, holding up both arms. "We are here to mine Springfield, and Homer, for dumb ideas!" He let out a hearty laugh.

O'Neill was not quite as chipper. "Plenty of that," he said casually. "You've definitely come to the right place, doc."

Walter's grin created new happy lines on his face. "You joke, Colonel O'Neill. But keep in mind our Springfield friends have used dumb ideas to survive various and sundry crises. A dome, a comet, various invasions-"

"Bart. Homer."

Like Principal Skinner before him, or even St. Nicholas, Walter shook when he laughed. "Always the funny one, aren't you, Colonel O'Neill?"

"I try."

"You succeed!"

"Hey. I'm funny, too."

"I'm sure you are, Homer. And quite representative of the Springfield ability to survive disasters."

"Oh, go on. No, seriously, go on. I want to hear more nice things."

"Maybe later, Homer," O'Neill said with a slight wave of his hand.

Carter placed one hand on Lisa's shoulder as she used the other to gesture toward Walter.

"Dr. Bishop is from Fringe Division," she explained.

"What's that?" Lisa asked. "Oh! Is that where you investigate fringe science?"

"Yes indeed, my dear! You are obviously very smart." Walter pointed to her as he engaged in a big toothy smile. "Yes, Lisa, I was investigating fringe science. Now I am temporarily assigned to Stargate Command after living in the Springfield Retirement Home."

"A good place to hide," Daniel said.

"Indeed."

"How would you know, Teal'c?"

Teal'c's look indicated he was uncertain.

Walter went on. "Once the Stargate moved to Springfield, I was called back to active duty to prepare for a possible Goa'uld invasion."

"And you're doing a bang-up job, Walter. Other-Walter."

"Yeah. We already have a Walter," Daniel said in his casual voice while he wore his intense squinting look.

"Maybe you could change your name?" O'Neill inquired with an inquiring look.

"I will certainly consider that, Colonel O'Neill, if it will help in our fight against the Goa'uld." Walter's manner remained as warm and cordial as ever. He then went off on a tangent. "'Goa'uld.' I just love that word 'Goa'uld.'" As he stretched out the word, he sounded like he was howling. Several times he said the word, opening his mouth as wide as possible. "'Goa'uld'….'Goa'uld'….'Goa'uld.'"

Like FBI agents Olivia Dunham and Astrid Farnsworth before her, Major Carter had learned to accept the eccentricities of Walter Bishop. In response to Walter's vocal exercise, Carter smiled pleasantly and offered warm words of greeting.

"It's good to have you with us, sir."

"Thank you, Major Carter. It's good to be here." Once again, Walter shook as he laughed. "As a matter of fact, it's good to be anywhere."

O'Neill lifted his chin as he spoke. "Why don't you tell Lisa the good news, doc?"

"Quite right, Colonel O'Neill."

Lisa blinked. "What good news?"

Walter smiled as he knelt down to talk to Lisa.

"As it turns our, Lisa, your family will be quite instrumental in repelling an invasion by the Goa'uld."

Lisa gasped even as she smiled. "We will?"

"Yes, indeed!"

In response to Lisa's smile, O'Neill raised his eyebrows.

"Pretty surprising, huh, Lisa?"

"It sure is! How are we going to help?"

"Tell her, doc."

Walter launched into his explanation.

"As it turns out, your little sister Maggie has the innate ability to operate a Goa'uld fighter craft."

Again, Lisa gasped and smiled. "She does?"

"Oh, yes."

"And we happen to have a stolen Goa'uld fighter craft," O'Neill said.

"Whoo-hoo!"

"Yes. Whoo-hoo."

Walter waved a finger as he spoke. "There is something about the Simpson brain that makes it possible for all of you to battle the Goa'uld in various unique ways." Walter beamed as he pointed to the girl with the starfish-shaped head. "You most of all, Lisa."

As Lisa gasped with delight, Carter smiled as she leaned down to pat her little shoulder.

Homer kicked up his heels, prompting an annoyed look from Daniel and a much more annoyed look from Teal'c.

"Whoo-hoo!" Homer exclaimed.

O'Neill held up defensive hands. "Whoa! Easy there, Homer. No more sudden moves."

"Whoo-hoo," Homer said quietly then slumped a little as he looked nervous.

"Homer," O'Neill said sternly.

"What?" Homer held up "I-don't-know" hands. "I didn't make any sudden moves. And besides, I'm just happy for Maggie and Lisa."

"As well you should be, Mr. Simpson." Walter spoke with warm laughter in his voice. He then turned a little serious. "Unfortunately, while Maggie has the innate ability to operate a Goa'uld fighter craft, her hands are too tiny to actually operate the controls."

"Oh," Homer groaned as he slumped, Lisa with him.

Walter's hand shot up. "Do not despair, Simpsons. What we will do is create some toy controls." Walter waved an index finger as if delivering a lecture, even as he wore a kindly grandfather look on his face. "Your mother will then simply duplicate Maggie's hand movements on the actual controls."

Once again, Lisa gasped, this time with delight and amazement.

"Just like she does in the car!"

"Yes indeed, my dear!" After he spoke in an exuberant tone, Walter sported a big toothy smile. Different from the one Homer had, of course.

"Whoo-hoo," Homer whispered, glancing around nervously as he shuffled his feet a little.

In contrast, Daniel stood with arms crossed over his uniform. As usual, he thad hat intense look on his face.

"Interesting," he said. "Who'd have thought there'd be a use for Marge's crazy driving?"

"Or Homer," O'Neill said.

"Hey!"

"Indeed."

"Hey!" Homer's hands flew to his hips.

"You are most annoying, Homer Simpson."

"Oh, yeah? So are you, Mister Teal'c-I've Only-Got-One-Name!" Homer waved a yellow finger at the former First Prime of Apophis. "You watch it, big guy, or I'll fight you!"

Teal'c merely raised an eyebrow in response.

O'Neill got between them like a boxing referee.

"All right, Homer. Take it easy or someone will get hurt. Most likely, you."

"Okay. I'll let it go….this time!"

"That is very wise, Homer Simpson. I will also save myself for combat with the true enemy."

Walter simply nodded absently. "That is very wise, Mr. Teal'c. Especially since Homer will prove useful against the Goa'uld. And so will Maggie and Marge." Here, he grinned. "Of course each one of us is valuable in our own way."

"Thanks for that, doc," O'Neill said.

"Marge is the greatest," Homer said.

"I'll say," Lisa said.

Carter knelt down and smiled. "Your mom is a good mom, Lisa, humoring Maggie like that."

"She's the best!"

"I feel a lot of love in this room," O'Neill said.

"I sense it as well, O'Neill."

O'Neill lifted that finger again, this time with a chin nod. "Marge may be a menace on the road but it's okay if she can kick some Goa'uld butt!"

"Yay, Mom!" Lisa shouted.

"Yes, indeed," Walter said. "Yay, Marge and all that."

"Marge," O'Neill said. "Alien butt-kicker!"

"Yes. Thank you for that astute analysis, Colonel O'Neill." Walter engaged in more finger-waving. "Now, Lisa, we will equip your brother Bart with a rocket-powered skateboard." Both arms swung out together. "This will allow Bart to knock down the Goa'uld and their soldiers the Jaffa."

"He'll love that!"

"Perhaps too much. Bart Simpson is indeed a menace."

"Hey, T. Look at it this way. Bart may be a menace but it can be channeled in a good direction. Just like Marge's driving."

"Yeah! So cheer up, big guy."

"I will not cheer up, Homer Simpson. I will, in fact, cheer down."

"Tough crowd," O'Neill said.

As he raised an instructive index finger, Walter went on.

"Now another thing is Colonel O'Neill has the Ancient gene. This allows him to operate Goa'uld technology."

"Yes, lucky me. I can operate a timeship I can't actually use to change time."

Homer gasped. "Can I go back in time?"

"No, Homer. You might step on a butterfly. And who knows what might happen?"

"Oh," Homer groaned as he bowed his head.

"Yes, yes," Walter said, nodding absently. "Be that as it may, we are not concerned with time travel here."

"Oh." Homer slumped again.

"What we need is someone who can operate anti-Goa'uld technology."

"We've stored up plenty of that."

"Yes indeed, colonel. What we need is someone with the Very Ordinary Gene." With a big smile, Walter pointed to Homer. "That would be you, Mr. Simpson."

Teal'c's eyebrow shot up.

Homer, meanwhile, held up, and shook, two triumphant fists as he bent his knees, much like a victorious football player.

"Whoo-hoo!"

"Way to go, Dad!"

"Or-di-nary! Or-di-nary! Or-di-nary!"

"How about that?" O'Neill said. "We've got dumb ideas from Springfield, and we've got Homer. A winning combination. Yes!" He waved an "attaboy" fist.

A smiling Carter held out a device. "This one looks like a remote control, Homer. It'll neutralize any Goa'uld weapon you encounter."

"Whoo-hoo!" Homer did a little dance.

"I'll let the 'whoo-hoo's,' and the dancing, slide for now," O'Neill grunted.

Carter was more cheerful. "Hang on to that, Homer."

Homer held it to his cheek as he adopted a dreamy look with his eyes half-closed. "I'll cherish it forever."

Despite all this wonderful good news, Lisa looked a little sad.

Once again, Carter knelt down. "What's wrong, Lisa?"

"Yeah, you look like Dorothy saying goodbye in 'The Wizard of Oz,'" O'Neill noted.

Lisa shrugged a little. "It's just that….Well, Dr. Bishop, isn't there anything for me to do?"

"Absolutely, my dear!" When Walter smiled, it stretched the wrinkles on his face. He once again held up an instructive index finger as he explained. "We can modify your saxophone so that when you improvise notes on it, you will cause the Goa'uld, and their soldiers the Jaffa, to hallucinate!"

"Oh, boy!"

"Don't worry, though. Your playing will have no harmful effects on your Springfield friends and neighbors. Except perhaps to annoy your music teacher." Walter gave a slight chuckle.

Cater gave Lisa yet another smile as she took Lisa's hand. "You can help me modify the saxophone, Lisa."

"That'd be great!"

"So!" Walter said, holding up a triumphant finger. "Along with your family and the people of Springfield and our Asgard friend, you will be a very big help to us, Lisa!"

"Right!" O'Neill said, holding up a triumphant finger of his own.

"Way to go, Lise!"

As he looked down at Beta Site's newest arrival, O'Neill frowned. "Bart! How did you get in here?"

"I stowed away in Daniel's backpack."

Daniel wore his own frown, a trademark facial expression that combined a concerned look with a look of confusion.

"I wondered why I was getting kicked so much while someone said, 'Aye, caramba!'"

Carter leaned in to whisper to Walter. "You might want to adjust your behavior modification ray on Daniel and the colonel."

"I shall do so, Major Carter." He laughed a little then leaned in a little. "It worked very well on me. I used to be a bit of a grump., I'm afraid."

"You sure aren't one now!" Lisa gave him a cheerful smile.

"Thank you, my dear." Walter's own smile was grateful and gracious.

"Whatever you're doing here, you've got to stop the Goa'uld from taking over Springfield," Bart said.

"You are obviously a very resourceful fellow, Bart," Walter said gently. "And quite bright in your own way."

"One thing's for sure," O'Neill said. "We don't want the Goa'uld taking over the people of Sptringfield."

"Yea, they're weird enough already. We don't want them with glowing eyes." Bart used his fingers to form circles around his own eyes.

"You're quite right, Bart. It is almost too terrible to comprehend." Walter shivered a little then he calmly munched on some licorice.

"Most terrible would be Bart Simpson with a Goa'uld."

"Afraid of a little competition, Teal'c?"

"I am not. Only the consequences to this planet."

Bart laughed his evil laugh, and Teal'c's eyebrows shot up as he frowned.

Lisa pointed to yellow slabs nearby.

"What are those, Dr. Bishop?"

"People frozen in amber, my dear. At the proper time, they will be released to help us. If we need them."

One block of amber contained FBI Agent Olivia Dunham. Since her block of amber was positioned horizontally like a coffee table, Homer had his feet up on it as he munched on a doughnut.

"Dad!" Lisa objected.

"What?" he mumbled with wide-eyed confusion.

"Feet off the furniture, Homer," O'Neill said.

As Homer complied, Walter grabbed a remote control and aimed it at the monitors.

"These are some other people who will help us in the event of a Goa'uld invasion."

One monitor displayed a dark-haired man with an intense look (different from Daniel's intense look, more narrow-eyed). The red-haired woman next to him wore a more mild look. No Simpsons-style daffy smile existed on either person's face.

That dark-haired man held up an ID as he spoke in a serious intense voice.

"Agents Mulder and Scully, F-B-I." As he narrowed his eyes even more, he punctuated the three letters.

On another monitor, a burly man spoke into a bullhorn.

"Jack Bauer, Counter-Terrorist Unit." The bullhorn squealed with loud feedback. "Darn it!"

As the monitors shut off, Bart and Homer turned at an unusual sound.

Next to O'Neill, a cow mooed plaintively.

"That's Gene," Walter explained.

O'Neill stroked the animal. "Once we defeat the Goa'uld, I want to adopt this cow."

"No way," Bart said. "Don't have a cow, man."

"It's 'Don't have a cow...colonel.'"

Bart frowned. "I'm not in the military."

"You are now. You've been drafted, Bart."

A wide-eyed Bart gasped. "Aye, caramba!"

A tall man in glasses and fatigues approached.

"Here's your skateboard, Bart."

"Thanks, Siler," O'Neill said.

Siler shrugged. "As long as you and Bart were both here."

O'Neill nodded. "Good thinking, Siler."

Bart smiled up at him.

"Thanks, Siler-dude."

"You're welcome, Bart."

Homer held up a finger. "I believe it's 'Siler-dude-sergeant.'"

Siler gestured with his thumb. "I've got to get back. Make sure Groundskeeper Willie doesn't wipe down the self-destruct button."

Eyebrows up again on O'Neill. "Maybe we could have old Willie fight Ba'al."

With his usual intense look, Daniel folded his arms. "A fight between Ba'al and Groundskeeper Willie. That'd be something."

"Indeed."

Daniel looked and sounded irritated. "Do you have to agree with everything I say? Don't you have any original thoughts?"

"Are you kidding?" Lisa said. "Teal'c is so deep you'd be lucky if you understand what he says."

"Even if he is a booger," Bart added.

"Dr. Jackson," Walter said as he pointed a device that looked like a large iron. "Let me zap you with this."

Once zapped, Daniel smiled. "Hey! How's it going? Teal'c, buddy! How are you?" Daniel playfully punched him on the shoulder. As he slowly turned his head, Teal'c scowled.

"I'm still looking for an excuse to fight Jack Bauer," O'Neill said.

"Me, too, sir."

"We all are, O'Neill."

"Who-o-o-a," Homer said with wide eyes. "That was so deep."

"Told you," Lisa said.

"I have to change the batteries," Walter mumbled as he walked off with his device.

Once Lisa had a modified saxophone and everyone had returned to the main base, Bart immediately peppered the staff with questions.

"What's this? What's this? What's this?"

The Air Force sergeant who sat at the controls, one Walter Harriman, attempted to shoo Bart away.

"Bart, don't touch that! Don't touch anything!"

In the Gate Room, Groundskeeper Willie pointed a finger and jabbed the air with it then jabbed Siler.

"Listen here, Siler. Don't be telling Willie how to clean your precious base. Or your Beta Site, either."

Bart jumped in. "Hey, Siler. What's this? Where's Principal Skinner? Where's the self-destruct button?"

While Siler looked exasperated, Homer did a little dance as he chanted.

"I get to help defeat the Goa'uld! I get to help defeat the Goa'uld!"

Bart joined in.

"Me-ee, too! Me,-ee, too!"

Both of them shook their butts in front of a frowning Teal'c.

The dance was interrupted when a klaxon sounded. As red lights flashed, Harriman, with an urgent voice, spoke over the P.A. system.

"Bart Alert! Bart Alert! This is not a drill!"

"Okay," O'Neill sighed. "With that, we're out of here."

"We'll do this again tomorrow," Carter said.

"We do this every day," Daniel said.

That evening passed without incident, providing a much-needed rest for SG-1 and the Simpsons. Elsewhere, Jack Bauer slept soundly, exhausted from all the event-filled days with no sleep. In fact, he was so in need of rest he slept at the hospital called St. Elsewhere.

The next morning, Marge drove SG-1 to work again, along with Lisa. Everyone arrived safely and in good spirits. Inside the base, O'Neill addressed Carter and Lisa.

"Where are you two off to today?"

"Back to the Beta Site, sir."

"No pow-wow with the Nox? No visit to the Lost City? No get-together with the Asgard? Nothing like that?"

"No, sir."

"We're going to build a machine that fast-forwards time," Lisa announced cheerfully.

"Of course you are."

"It wouldn't actually fast-forward time," Carter explained hastily. "The way it would work, sir, is-"

"You two have fun."

Once again, Carter and Lisa walked hand-in-hand into the Stargate.

A few seconds later, they re-emerged.

"That was fast," O'Neill said.

And once again, Walter watched all this on his monitor. As he did, he had this thought.

Let us hope our victory over the Goa'uld will be just as swift.