Part Ten:

Before The Goa'uld Invasion of Springfield

The citizens of Springfield did what they normally do when there's a crisis. It didn't matter whether the crisis was a comet, a government attack or simply some logos turned into monsters.

When there was a crisis, the people of Springfield gathered near City Hall. As usual, when they gathered, there was a lot of grumbling and mumbling and groaning and complaining. There was even a little excited shouting. Much like when the Springfield monorail was out of control with no Spider-Man to stop it or slow it down. Fortunately, there was an incompetent but extremely lucky Homer at the controls.

Incompetent-but-lucky Homer was part of this current gathering. So was another prominent Springfield citizen.

At the center of this grumbling group was Principal Skinner who did much the same thing he did when there was a hot air balloon that bore his image. He waved his fist and offered a curse.

With the hot air balloon, he shouted, "Cursed be the man who discovered helium. Cursed be (the name of some French guy)."

In this new situation, Skinner offered this curse.

"Cursed be the people who discovered the Stargate and worked on it. Cursed be Dr. Catherine Langford and Dr. Daniel Jackson."

"I'm right here," Daniel said in a cool mild voice as he casually waved two fingers.

"Oh. So you are." Skinner shook a little as he laughed sheepishly.

Despite his faux pas, it was fitting that Skinner should offer a Stargate-related curse at the center of Springfield. Because that was where the Stargate was currently located.

This prompted grumbling by Daniel.

"I can't believe Mayor Quimby moved the Stargate to the center of town. He's worse than the Russians."

"It's all right, Dr. Jackson. What Mayor Quimby has done will simply aid us in our fight against the Goa'uld."

When Daniel turned and saw who it was that spoke, he had a reaction of pleasant surprise.

"Dr, Bishop!" he exclaimed. At least as much as Daniel can exclaim. "Yes. Hello! Thor told us how you've been helping everyone get ready for the Goa'uld invasion. We appreciate it."

"It's nice to be appreciated. But I'm just doing what I can, Dr. Jackson."

"Please," he said as they shook hands. "Call me 'Daniel.'"

"In that case, call me 'Walter.'"

"Walter it is! Great to see you again."

"Great to see you, too!" Walter once again offered his big toothy smile. "We will need this kind of positive spirit if we are to succeed against the Goa'uld."

"We need this kind of positive spirit every day in all of life's battles."

"Indeed."

Nearby, Lisa spoke in a loud wailing voice.

"Mom! Before the Goa'uld invade, can I go see Sam again?"

"No, Lisa. Doomsday is family time."

"Mom." Bart's voice was full of little-boy misery and woe. "The kids at school think I'm helping the Goa'uld. I'm a pariah!"

Marge's voice, like her face, was full of motherly sternness. "There's no shame in being a pariah," she insisted.

"Marge," Homer wailed. "Before the Goa'uld invade or attack or whatever, can I go do something else?"

Marge wore angry eyes. "No, Homer. Like I told Lisa, doomsday is family time."

"Oh," he groaned with angry eyes of his own. "But I wanted to go to Moe's with Colonel O'Neill."

From nearby, O'Neill called out. "Don't worry, Homer. We'll do it afterwards, once we've kicked some Goa'uld butt."

"You got it, buddy!"

O'Neill turned to Carter and kept his voice low. "You know, the way Marge puts up with him, she must really love the guy.'

"I understand the feeling, sir." Carter than reacted with surprise, her blue eyes widened, as the colonel suddenly thrust his hands on his hips.

"We're going to kick some alien invader butt," he declared loudly.

"Yeah!" Homer shouted. A music sting followed.

O'Neill waved an "attaboy" fist. "Specifically, we're going to kick some Goa'uld butt!"

"Yeah!" Another music sting followed.

With a slightly annoyed look, O'Neill turned to the members of the marching band sitting in a bus.

"You guys want to take that somewhere else again?" he said in a droll voice.

As the band members rolled away in their bus, O'Neill asked if there were any questions, Walter used his excellent storytelling skills to describe the complete back story, and everyone was caught up.

"Any other questions?" O'Neill asked with an inquiring look.

"Yeah," a raspy voice responded. "Has anyone ever told you that you look like MacGyver?"

Not far from Colonel O'Neill stood Marge's two sisters Thelma and Selma. Both looked admiringly at O'Neill.

"Hubba hubba," said Selma. Or was it Thelma?

O'Neill made a face but not the kind that suggested that he was annoyed or offended.

"Never heard that before. I'll take it. Not big on the guy's mullet, though."

Selma or Thelma casually pressed on. "Tell me something, colonel. After you go through the Stargate, have you thought of driving around?"

"Sure," he said in a casual voice with a casual nod. "But no car, for one thing. Not like there's a car dealership out there on Abydos or Chulak. Plus, we need the exercise. Except Teal'c, of course."

"Indeed," Thelma said. Or was it Selma? She then went on. "Tell me, Colonel O'Neill: are you retired?"

"Not retired. Tired. A little hungry maybe. No offense to Marge's cooking. After we defeat the Goa'uld, we'll have cake."

As the crowd applauded, O'Neill slipped on some sunglasses, and he was all business as he addressed the Springfield mob, er, uh, group of concerned citizens.

"All right, Springfield, listen up. Again."

"Yay, Springfield!" Barney cried.

"Shelbyville stinks," Homer added.

"Down with Shelbyville!" Bart yelled.

"And the Goa'uld!"

"Yeah! The Goa'uld stink!"

"You bet they do, son!"

"Yeah. Thanks for that input, guys," O'Neill said. "Now Thor tells me you folks have a lot of dumb ideas that work out well in a crisis." The mob/group murmured their agreement and appreciation. "So what I need you to do is just do the dumb stuff you normally do." A series of low confused noises followed. "For example, when Nelson sees a Jaffa lying on the ground, he can laugh and point in the way he always does."

"Ha ha," came a daffy voice from the crowd.

"There. See? Just like that." O'Neill pointed to the kid with the vest and the large goofy teeth. "And to help you do dumb things, we've got weapons we use to zap the Goa'uld. We call them 'zats.'"

"Wouldn't it be better to call them 'zaps?'"

"No on that, Moe," O'Neill said with his usual flippant firmness. "We'd like to give you all 'zats.'" The people of Sptingfield cheered. "But we can't." A collective groan as they all drooped. "The Democrats have held that up."

Much grumbling and cursing followed.

"Oh, yeah," O'Neill said with a solemn nod.

"Yeah, right!" Homer shouted. As he grabbed the microphone, loud feedback followed. Ignoring the groaning and clutching of the ears by the crowd, Homer spoke in a deeply sarcastic voice. "The Democrats were all like, 'President Kinsey is in the White House. We don't want to help him or make him look good. So we'll just hold on to these 'zats.'"

"Should be called zaps."

"Not going to call them zaps, Moe."

Homer swayed his hips back and forth as his sarcastic voice reached a screeching crescendo. "'We don't want to help President Kinsey! We'll just wait until he's gone!'"

"Thank you, Homer, for that astute political analysis," Daniel said.

"Yes. A very dramatic presentation," Carter said with a twitching smile.

"Indeed."

Homer clenched his fists and raised them up. "Lousy stinking Democrats!"

O'Neill grabbed the microphone back, tossing Homer a look of slight annoyance. "Yes, thank you, Homer, for that acting out. Now, is there any other business?"

A weak voice followed. "Citizens of Springfield, have no fear. Monty Burns is here."

"Look, everyone. " O'Neill held out an introductory hand to the withered figure slowly crossing to the microphone. "It's Mr. Burns!"

"Oh, it's Mr. Burns." At first, Willie sighed gently. Then his face quickly turned dark and angry as he raised a fist. "Kill him! Kill him!"

Burns turned toward the kilted agitator. "Pipe down, rapscallion."

"He's a Goa'uld! You're a Goa'uld!" Willie shook his fist at the old man.

"No! He's not a Goa'uld! He's Mr. Burns!"

"Thank you, Lisa," O'Neill said.

"Oh," Willie said as he smiled a little. "He's not a Goa'uld. He's Mr. Burns." Willie paused only briefly. "Kill him! Kill him!"

Lisa waved her hands. "No! He told me he's here to help!"

"And we used a device to check for a Goa'uld," Carter said. "We didn't find a parasite."

"Although Burns may be a parasite," Daniel muttered.

"Indeed."

"He's here to help!" Lisa insisted in that wailing voice, producing loud feedback on the microphone even from a distance.

Wincing slightly, Burns rolled a finger in his right ear. He then managed to speak.

"Thank you, little girl." Groaning and gasping quietly, he continued to slowly walk toward O'Neill and the microphone.

Finally, Teal'c picked Burns up and carried him to the microphone. Even so, it was still a few minutes before Burns could speak, no doubt catching his breath and probably recovering from the shock of being lifted by Teal'c.

At last, he got the words out.

"I am here to tell you I have obtained zats from the Democrats." Burns' face lit up. "Oh! That rhymes!" he exclaimed in his raspy voice.

"Still think they should be called 'zaps.'"

"Quiet, you."

The citizens of Springfield let out a big cheer but Homer once again raised his fists.

"Lousy Mr. Burns!"

"No, Homer, it's okay," O'Neill said, holding out calming hands. In a low whisper, he spoke as if talking to a child. "Mr. Burns did something good."

"Oh." Homer relaxed a little, perhaps looking a little puzzled as well. "Sorry. Force of habit. Never mind."

"Rat's up with that?" someone asked. It was Scooby Doo.

"Scooby Doo!" Homer exclaimed. "You're here to help us, too?"

"Roo bet!"

Homer smiled as he gave the Great Dane a hug.

Siler and Harriman handed out the zats. What followed were a few "zat" noises and the sounds of some people crashing to the ground. There was a groan from Abe Simpson and a cry of "Oh, my brain!"

Plus, "ha-ha!"

Taking all this in, O'Neill nodded his approval.

"Everything should be fine as long as we have a little time before the Goa'suld arrive."

That was when the Stargate activated.