Part Eleven:
Goa'uld Stinkers Invade Springfield
The Stargate lit up, even as it made the loud whirring noises that, in this case, announced "arrival of the Goa'uld is imminent."
"Unauthorized off-world activation," Walter Harriman said as a reflex. Well, it was part of his job.
"Hey! No fair!" Homer protested, hands on hips once again.
With a slight frown, O'Neill turned to him. "They're Goa'uld, Homer. It's what they do."
"Well, they stink!" Homer declared firmly.
"I agree," Marge said. With a stern look, she waved a finger. "Bad Goa'uld! Bad!"
"Let's get ready," O'Neill said.
"Hey!" Homer objected. "Does it say 'colonel' anywhere on your uniform?"
"As a matter of fact, it does."
"Oh."
The big wave shot out, the Stargate filled with sparkling "waves." Two helmeted Jaffa soldiers stepped out bearing staff weapons. Right behind them was one of those guys wearing an armored snake outfit.
Everyone in Springfield fired their zats. Some of the shots went high in the air but most hit the three targets. The three guys lay on the ground in their boxers and colorful Underoos while their armor was scattered all over the place.
"Oh! I've got a big snake head," Homer said with delight.
"Don't wear that, Homer. You don't know where that's been."
Of course, more Jaffa soldiers poured out and assembled. The people of Springfield all got behind them, and as the Jaffa looked back and forth, the people darted back and forth, staying out of sight.
Then everyone just stood there.
Lisa pointed what looked like a giant remote control.
"What is that?" O'Neill asked.
"A device to freeze time," Lisa explained.
"You two have been busy."
"Everyone's frozen except for those of us in this bubble," Daniel said, gesturing to the area around them.
"But it uses a lot of power," Carter said. "So it won't last long, sir."
"And we won't have power to fast forward time," Lisa said apologetically. "Sorry, Colonel."
"No need to apologize, Lisa. You and Carter have done more than enough."
Lisa brightened with a daffy smile. "Thanks, colonel."
"Yes! Well done, Lisa," Walter said as he held his own device. "This will absorb the dumb ideas of the people of Springfield. I will then unload those ideas on the Jaffa. It will cause bewilderment and confusion for any Jaffa we don't otherwise get."
"Yay!" Homer and Lisa cheered.
"Which is good," O'Neill said. "Because it looks like the Goa'uld have brought in every Jaffa from all over the galaxy just to attack Springfield."
"In that case, Colonel O'Neill, I shall use this other device to contact the Legends of Tomorrow to bring in reinforcements." Walter clicked on one device then the other.
Now unfrozen, the Jaffa continued their back-and-forth dance with the people of Springfield behind them. As they did, Walter turned to the Simpsons.
"Go! Do what you were programmed to do!"
"Whoo-hoo!" Homer shouted. At first, he jumped up, kicking his heels as he did. He then ran off pointing and clicking the remote control.
Marge, carrying Maggie, ran to the nearby Goa'uld fighter craft. Soon Marge was zipping around in the craft. Maggie sat at the toy controls patting the buttons and levers with her tiny hands. Marge, of course, imitated her movements at the main controls.
The Goa'uld fighter craft fired down on the already frightened and confused Jaffa soldiers.
"Oh! So violent!"
"Don't worry, Marge. Phasers are set for stun!" Walter then chuckled. "Bart likes video games. Too bad he isn't here to do this. But you're doing fine, Marge, just great!"
Walter sat behind Marge in a passenger seat much like a recliner. (Yeah, he installed it himself. Okay, Siler helped.) As he munched on licorice, he watched the main monitor. It showed Bart hurtling along on his skateboard.
"Yes! Knock 'em down, Bart!" Walter shouted as he waved a fist.
Another monitor showed Homer rapidly pressing his remote control.
"Go, Homer!" Walter shouted.
"Yeah, Homey!" From the main controls, Marge briefly waved a fist with her free hand.
Multiple monitors showed the Jaffa getting zapped by the good folks of Springfield. In many cases, the Jaffa soldiers just stood around looking dazed and going "huh?" Some managed to aim their weapons and pull the triggers and…..nothing.
"Huh?" they said along with "what?" Amazingly, when they pointed their weapons at their own faces, they'd get a charge to the face. "YE-OW!" they cried as they fell face down.
"That's because of Homer!" Walter shouted with a triumphant laugh. "He's turning the remote control on and off."
"Way to go, Homey!"
"Tee hee hee!" Homer laughed. When he saw two Jaffa lying face down on the ground side by side, he took one Jaffa's hand and placed it on the other Jaffa's butt.
"Tee hee hee," he laughed again. Violently and rapidly, he pressed the remote control. "In your face, Goa'uld losers!"
"What's SG-1 doing, I wonder?" Walter switched to yet another monitor. That monitor displayed SG-1 turning their heads back and forth as Jaffa fell left and right.
"This is going great," O'Neill said casually.
"Yeah, it is," Daniel and Carter said.
Looking more grim-faced than usual, Teal'c stood perfectly still. Homer thrust his face toward him.
"I see you about to smile, Teal'c."
"You are incorrect, Homer Simpson." At first, Teal'c's face remained perfectly grim. But then the hint of a smile spread slowly across his face.
"Way to go, Homer!" Bart shouted, raising a triumphant fist as he zoomed past on his skateboard. Earlier, on the back of his father's head, he had written one word: "HERO."
"Because of what Homer's doing, we can just stand here," Daniel said. So SG-1 just stood there looking at each other, blinking their eyes and on occasion glancing around.
"I'm going to go lie down," O'Neill said, and he walked away.
Munching on his licorice with great relish and hearty satisfaction, Walter switched to another monitor. This monitor showed Lisa twirling around as she played her saxophone. Her music teacher, the one with the long white hair, did not gesture for her to go away as he did most days. Instead, he motioned for her to go this way, wherever Jaffa were standing around looking confused.
"Marge, you may be interested in this," Walter said with food in his mouth. "Observe the Jaffa that Lisa leaves in her wake. Each one will reveal his individual mental state."
"'His' mental state?" Marge said. "Aren't there any girl Jaffa?"
"As Colonel O'Neill might say, 'They're Goa'uld, Marge. They enslave people. They're not exactly out there empowering women. Or anybody!'"
Hearing Walter's impersonation, Marge giggled briefly. Actually, it was more like a little high-pitched squawking laugh. Walter smiled at her then turned his attention to the monitor where three Jaffa acted out.
"Look, Marge!" Walter exclaimed as he pointed. "The Three Stooges! I love them!"
"Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!" One Jaffa bobbed his helmeted head up and down as he laughed in a high-pitched voice.
Another Jaffa scowled deeply. "Oh, a wise guy, eh?" he said in a deep rough voice.
"I'm no wise guy," another Jaffa insisted. "If I claim to be a wise man, it means I really don't know nothing," he said as he held out his hands and shrugged. He then scratched the top of his head. "I'm just glad to know all my hard work ain't been in vain for nothing."
"Quiet, you!" The Jaffa with the rough voice bonked the other two on their heads.
"What did you do that for?" another Jaffa moaned in the voice of the Cowardly Lion.
"If I only had a heart," another sighed.
"Don't go, Dorothy. We love you."
"I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow." A teary-eyed Jaffa embraced another.
"I'm a pretty ballerina!" one Jaffa declared as he did a pirouette.
"I am, too!" The bearded Ba'al duplicated the move then took a flying leap.
"Wow, look at that, Daniel," Carter said. "I've never seen Ba'al smile like that."
"Yeah, Sam. He seems very happy, at peace."
With his usual stoic calm and that trademark grim look on his face, Teal'c zapped Ba'al. While Daniel and Carter stared, Nelson pointed at Ba'al lying face down.
"Ha ha," he laughed.
O'Neill sat under a tree studying his nails.
"Sir?" Carter said. "Aren't you going to take part?"
"Nah," he said. "I figure I've saved the Earth enough times. Thought I'd sit this one out."
Mulder and Scully also lay under the tree.
"We're taking a break, too," Mulder said. Scully gave a weak little wave of her hand.
Jack Bauer was next to them.
"I'm resting up for my next big day."
"Ha ha," Nelson said from afar.
"Good work there, Nelson!" O'Neill called out.
Mulder lifted a hand to the sky. "When you consider the vastness of the universe-"
"Hey, Mulder. You want to give it a rest?"
Feeling slightly bored, Walter turned his attention elsewhere.
"What's this Jaffa doing?" he muttered.
One Jaffa stood staring. "I see dead people," he whispered. Bart knocked him down. "Oof!" the Jaffa said as he fell face down. Teal'c zapped him, Nelson laughed. "Ha-ha!"
Another Jaffa spoke in a demanding voice with a New York accent. "Are you talking to me?" He leaned in close. "You talkin' to me?" With wide eyes, he held out his hands. "I don't see anyone else here. Oof!" He was down.
One Jaffa used his helmet to hit another on the head.
"Gilligan!" he shouted.
"Sorry, Skipper."
"Oh, we'll never get off this island," another Jaffa complained, holding a hand to his forehead.
"Hello," another said in a deep voice. "I'm Mr. Ed."
"And I am Jeannie. What is your wish, my master?"
"I want to shoot J.R."
One Jaffa jutted his chin out as he waved his finger. "Now listen, Samantha, whatever you do, don't wiggle your nose and use your magic powers to help me."
Another Jaffa scowled. "You know what, Darrin Stephens? You're an idiot! You've got a beautiful woman who wants to help you with her magic, and you're like, 'No, don't help me.' Trade places with someone who needs help, or let her use her magic to help other people!"
"I just want to use the talents I've developed," Jaffa-Darrin said meekly. "And sometimes it's better to do things yourself."
The other Jaffa nodded. "That makes sense." Then they were both run over by Bart.
"And I don't want to lose my job as an astronaut," another Jaffa protested.
"Bang, bang! Take that, J.R.!"
From inside the Goa'uld fighter craft, Walter looked somber.
"Let us hope nothing goes wrong, that there are no surprises," he fretted. "With the Goa'uld, you never know."
"I think we've got this," Marge said. "Why would there be surprises?"
Briefly, Walter bit his lip. "Because, Marge, there is something Colonel O'Neill is not aware of, something he doesn't know. Not yet."