Part Fifteen:

Flying Old Fogies

O'Neill told the story to Daniel as they sat atop Mt. Springfield.

"So when Burns goes into the sarcophagus, he doesn't just come out healthy. He's got super-powers. So now all the people at the Springfield Retirement Home want in. Pretty soon we've got senior citizens flying all over Springfield." O'Neill waved his hand at the sky.

"So now what we need is an anti-sarcophagus. So I say to Homer, 'Only one man can help us now.' And he says, 'Who? Teal'c? Walter Bishop? 'Doc' Emmett Brown?'"

"Yes, that sounds like Homer," Daniel said with a grin.

"I say, 'No, Homer. We need you because you've got the Ordinary Guy Gene.' But he insists on a uniform. So there we are at the Stargate, Homer's in an SGC uniform with that daffy smile on his face."

"I know that smile." Daniel took a sip of Duff beer.

"So we go in the Stargate. When we come right back out, General Hammond says, 'What happened? You went in, you came right back out.' I said, 'We used that time fast-forward device Carter and Lisa built.'"

Daniel nodded. "That helped speed things up, I bet."

"Yes," O'Neill said absently. It wasn't like Daniel to state the obvious like that. Maybe he was just trying to be funny.

"I bet it was like when you and me and Sam had super-powers. You know. Super-speed, super-strength."

"I know, Daniel. I know." O'Neill shook his head, swilled some Duff beer. "So anyway, Homer's got this anti-sarcophagus doohickey ray gun, and he's using it to zap all the old fogies flying around."

Daniel frowned. "Should you call them 'old fogies?' Remember, Jack, you were once very old for a short time. Remember?"

With an equally dismissive look, O'Neill waved a dismissive hand. "I only looked old. Don't forget, Carter said it was just a bunch of termites inside me."

"Nanites. Still, you shouldn't call them 'old fogies.' It's disrespectful."

"Hey. It's me."

"I know, Jack. But still, you know what it's like to be old. You should try to be a little understanding, a little more respectful."

O'Neill sighed, "Fine, Daniel. I'll try to be more respectful."

"That's all I ask."

O'Neill held out his beer bottle. "Okay then. Can I go on with the story now?" Daniel nodded his go-ahead. "Great. Where was I?" After he thought for a moment, O'Neill shot up a finger. "Ah! Right! Homer's using the doohickey to zap the old fo-the elderly folks. And they're falling out of the sky left and right." With his non-beer hand, O'Neill gestured back and forth. "And the thing is, none of them are seriously hurt at all."

"What do you mean?"

More waving as O'Neill made a confused face. "I mean, none of them are yelling that they're in pain. Except that one guy."

"Which guy?"

"You know. The one with the brain. The one who's always complaining how his brain got hurt."

"Oh, yeah. That guy. 'Oh, my brain!'"

"That's a terrible impersonation."

"I try."

"Try harder." O'Neill shook his head. "Anyway, Homer's zapping these people, and they're falling out of the sky. And they just get up like nothing happened. They're perfectly okay! They're fine," he said in a mystified tone with an equally mystified look. He then blinked in confusion. "Even Burns is okay. And a breeze could knock that guy over."

"Well, it is Springfield. A lot of strange things happen here."

"Yeah," O'Neill said absently. For a moment, he stared. "But it was just so bizarre. Almost like a cartoon."

Daniel laughed. It was rare that Daniel laughed. Certainly he never laughed like this. It was the same maniacal way Samuels laughed when SG-1 first visited the Simpsons.

"That's kind of out there, Jack," Daniel said, suddenly all serious again.

With an intense gaze, O'Neill shook his head again. "There's just something very weird about all this."

"With us, there's usually something weird." Daniel once again laughed in that maniacal Samuels way. No, wait. This time it was more like Krusty the Klown. Only brief.

Once again, Daniel was suddenly all serious.

"What about that time you were downloaded with the knowledge of the Ancients?"

"Don't remind me."

Daniel laughed a little, maniacally, just before he downed some more Duff beer. Once he turned serious again, he gestured with the bottle.

"Yep. There's always something weird with us. Like that time those nanites made you look really old."

O'Neill frowned, glared really. "Why would you bring that up again? Are you trying to distract me, Daniel?"

Daniel shrugged, and his face was amazingly blank. No intense look in his eyes, no confused frown-face.

"Why would I want to do that?" With a smile that was a little off, Daniel playfully punched O'Neill on the shoulder. "Hey! Remember when that device stabbed you in the shoulder?"

"Yes! Ow!" Reflexively, O'Neill grabbed that shoulder as he winced. "Hurts to even think of it."

"Bet you were glad you weren't caught in a time loop then." Daniel chuckled, gulped down the last of the Duff, tossed the bottle. "Or how about when Sam tried to seduce you and I wanted to go see her?"

O'Neill gave him a look. "You are trying to distract me."

"Of course I am. I'm your friend, and I'm trying to help you forget any problems you might have."

O'Neill stared. "By bringing up the worst times of my life?"

Again, Daniel laughed. Sheepishly, this time. Or at least acting like he was laughing sheepishly. "You're right. Have another sip, and we'll talk about something else."

As O'Neill absently sipped his Duff beer, Daniel went on as the cheerful helpful friend.

"I can't help thinking of the last half-hour of 'The Last Jedi.' I mean, isn't the story basically over by then?"

As he often did with Daniel, O'Neill frowned as he spoke. "What's...'The Last Jedi?'"

"Oh. It's a 'Star Wars' movie. You probably never saw it."

"Probably not. You know me and science fiction." Another sip and a new frown. "So I haven't seen 'Star Wars.' So what? Is that important right now?"

"Probably not." When Daniel smiled and shrugged, his smile twitched a little. "Do you know how Bart became such a troublemaker?"

"Enlighten me."

"When Bart was in first grade, he came in from recess behind a large group of other children, very noisy children, his classmates."

"Yes, yes," O'Neill prompted.

"Bart is in the back, clomping around in his overshoes. And he looks up. And here's this grumpy-looking teacher glaring down at him with an angry look and everything. And she says-" Here, Daniel did a deep voice-"'You can be a lot quieter than that.'" Daniel laughed a little, giggled really. "So Bart basically decided why try to be good if you're just going to get picked on anyway."

For a moment, O'Neill stared.

"No way," he said.

"Yeah. Apparently so."

"No, I mean that never happened. I've never seen that. I've never even heard of that. And I've seen every episode of the show."

As he often did with Jack, Daniel put on his intense-confused look.

"What do you mean, 'the show?'"

"I mean, the show! This!" O'Neill thrust out his hands and gestured toward his surroundings. "It's a show. 'The Simpsons!'"

"That's crazy, Jack. How could we be inside a TV show? People don't just go into a TV show."

"We did," Dean Winchester said as Sam stood next to him. Krusty the Klown popped up, and Sam let out a little gasping noise just before he ran off.

"We did, too." Sara Lance, captain of the Legends of Tomorrow, held up her right hand while looking friendly and attractive in her White Canary uniform. While Sara held up her hand in a frozen wave, Dean offered a finger salute.

"See?" O'Neill said, thrusting out a sideways open palm. "That right there! People don't just show up like that. Not in real life. That only happens in a TV show!"

"Jack, take it easy."

O'Neill suddenly stood up and spread out his arms as he shouted for all of Springfield to hear.

"This is a TV show!"

Wearing a slight forced smile, Daniel also rose, though not quite as forcefully.

"You're talking crazy, Jack. This is not a TV show. This is your life."

O'Neill gave him a look.

"You're not Daniel."

And he slugged him.

When he did, Daniel's face was replaced with another face.

The Evil Keeper.