Chapter 4: Sell Me on Reasons to Want You

Evan was profoundly grateful that he didn't have to answer questions from his mother about how his reunion night had went. It had… went, in more ways than one; he was still half-hard when he stumbled into his apartment, thinking dazedly about being joined to Zoe and squirming inside her, to find the TV still going in the sitting room and his mother asleep on the couch. The news coverage was all about the presidential race and who would succeed President Joe Biden:

"Transportation Secretary and former Mayor Pete Buttigieg is up just 2 points over former Maryland Governor Larry Hogan in latest general election polling out of ABC today…"

With a sigh, Evan clicked the remote and the screen winked out to black. Heidi Hansen didn't even stir on the couch. Quietly, Evan draped a blanket over his mother, leaned forward in the intent to give her a peck, but then refrained at the musky odor emanating off him and into the air. He smelled like sex, and he didn't want to risk the odor waking his mom just so she would ask questions he couldn't, didn't want to answer. He stole upstairs, hopped into the shower for a quick spray-off while still using the soap bar liberally to scrub that fucked scent off him. He didn't bother to put on pajamas, and fell into his bed completely naked.

It took a time for him to nod off, and though he eventually did, his eyes were still heavy with sleep when his alarm clock rang the next morning. Thank goodness it was Friday, and he didn't have anything pressing until an elementary school field trip program around 11 o'clock over at Ellison Park. Still, he got up, dressed quietly without doing a repeat of the shower, and plodded downstairs. The kitchen was silent and deserted, with only a note from Mom on the island; Heidi liked to get into the firm at an early hour, and as Evan recalled, she had a big deposition to serve today. As for him, his morning on a day going into the weekend was pretty much free.

On this particular morning, the work reprieve was far from helpful. It just gave his head more clearance to think about Zoe and how wildly they had made love in his car.

He headed out to the curb, where his car was parked. For an early June morning, it actually wasn't that humid, the air dewey and unusually, refreshingly cool, likely on account of an overnight rain. Evan paused outside the driver side door – with his luck, the interior probably still smelled like her and the muskiness of them doing the dirty deed. He started walking, not telling his feet to traverse in the direction of her apartment, but doing so all the same. At the corner, he stopped, glanced back to his parked car. What was he doing?

A flash of recall had him digging into his pocket, flipping through his wallet before he pulled it out: Zoe's business card. The one she had given him after their coffee "date" (if it could even be called a date) after his Arbor Day presentation. Evan recognized the address, knew the building of spare office space on sight; he passed it every day on his morning commute to work. "I must be out of my mind," he muttered to himself, before he turned, half-sprinted back to his car and leapt into it, peeling off in a squeal of tires.

Where this strange exhilaration came from, Evan couldn't say. Every instinct he had ever had, especially where it concerned his social anxiety, would have told him to not get off on the shoulder and instead just keep bombing down the highway towards Ellison Park; who cares if he got in…. he glanced at his watch… several hours early? His stomach was a jumble of butterflies, and his palms were so sweaty they were in danger of slipping off the steering wheel, but that somehow didn't stop him from merging off the highway and navigating until he came to park outside Zoe Murphy's office building.

Evan referenced the business card clutched in his fist far more times than would have been normal as he ascended in the elevator, using the index-sized paper as an anchor to will himself onto her floor, consult the wall sign until his eyes picked out MURPHY COUNSELING LLC, and the suite number. When he entered the suite, a pretty blonde secretary was clacking away at the front desk. Her smile was warm in greeting.

"Good morning, sir."

"H- Hi," Evan stammered. "I'm, uh…. I'm looking for Zoe Murphy?" He wasn't aware that Zoe had had enough money to hire a secretary; from what he had discerned during their coffee get-together, Zoe's substance abuse counseling was still in a start-up venture stage, but growing steadily.

"Miss Murphy is on a house call with a client, but is due back within the next thirty minutes. Would you like me to take a message? Or I can let you into her office, if you'd prefer to wait."

"I'll wait!" His social anxiety failed to yank him back from doing something so patently insane as to lie in wait for her, but before Evan could second-guess himself enough to talk himself out of it, he was seated inside Zoe's office, completely alone. The plastic cup of water from the office cooler was moisturizing his hands just fine on its own, even without the usual sweating, and Evan took frequent sips, using the motion as a crutch to calm his absolutely shot nerves. It made him think back to a time when he was in middle school (maybe 7th or 8th grade), and he and his Mom had laughed at Senator Marco Rubio lunging for water during a State of the Union rebuttal. Now, however, the laughter was hard to come by.

There weren't many pictures on the wall. There was one of Zoe and her parents. His one-time girlfriend appeared older, yet still incredibly gorgeous in the shot, so he figured it must have been taken at her graduation from Columbia. He didn't dare get out of his seat to even approach her desk, but even from his perch against the wall, he could clearly see what pictures weren't there: absolutely no signs of Connor. In their time dating during high school, Evan knew that Zoe had had a pretty dysfunctional relationship with her deceased brother. She had been more than happy to listen to the pack of lies that Evan had fed her, about Connor saying things about her that he had never said, but that he, Evan, had always thought, yet she herself had never wanted to speak or reflect on the life of her only sibling. Actually done all she could to avoid the subject, especially after they'd become involved. From their coffee date, Evan had come away knowing Zoe did mourn her brother, but even more than a decade on, that grief was clearly still evolving. Private, like she wanted to reconcile what happened to her troubled sibling in her own way. Besides, she had said so herself she was trying to honor him by getting into substance abuse work. Evan couldn't fault or question her over how she was processing those emotions.

"Oh my god. This cannot be happening."

Evan turned to see Zoe gawping at him in the doorway of her office, purse in hand and with a light jacket draped over her arm. He leapt out of his chair as if burned, innumerable things on his lips fighting to get out into space, social anxiety be damned, even as he braced to have her throw him out of the room. Hell, out of the entire building. He suddenly felt bad for her poor secretary.

With an exasperated sigh, Zoe slammed the office door and turned to face him, hands on her hips, her pretty mouth in a thin line, yet her eyes were almost pleading as she asked, "What are you doing here, Evan?"

"To… to talk to you!"

"There's nothing to talk about!" Zoe huffed, rounding both him and the desk to deposit her things. "If anything needs to be said, it's an apology."

Evan blinked. "Apologize for what?"

She spun to face him, half-glaring but also remorseful; Evan found it an odd combination, yet also one of the many things he still loved about her – how Zoe could display such complex emotional turmoil so easily on her face. "I shouldn't have forced myself on you like that. It was wrong. I don't know what came over me, and now…" She gestured helplessly at him, and there was a sheen in her eyes that made Evan's heart cry out as he watched the woman he'd always loved blink back tears.

"Stop," Evan begged her. "I don't mean to come off as needy and clingy – at least, more than I already have, tracking you to your office – but I need to say this."

Zoe swayed back on her heels, blinking the unshed tears back, her arms folded as she waited expectantly.

"I love you. I loved you in high school, I love you still, and I never stopped."

Zoe's mouth fell open prettily at this, and her entire face flushed red. She looked deeply pained. "Evan…"

"I know that what we had before was based on a lie, and I know that I let you down. But damn it, Zoe, you forgave me for that. You said so yourself. You wouldn't have jumped me in my car last night if you were still angry over all the yarns I spun about me and your brother. I…. I've never…." It only took nearly losing his train of thought for Evan to realize that he had just said that entire first half of his peace without stuttering once – sadly, just becoming aware of that caused the tremor in his timbre to return. He swallowed hard, tried again. "I've never… I've never been with anyone else since you. Not until last night."

Zoe was completely slackjawed. "There's…. there's been no one else?"

Somehow, he met her gaze evenly. "No one else." A pregnant pause as she just stared at him, bewildered. "I know. I'm pathetic. But if there was one thing I was ever truthful about in our time together, it was that I never thought I would find someone who would want me – our first time, that night we were alone together in your room, do you remember?"

Zoe nodded dumbly. "I remember," she whispered.

"Do you remember what you told me when I wouldn't stop going on and on about Connor?" When he was only met with silence, he answered for her: "You told me I didn't need to sell you on reasons to want me. Even after all these years, I've never had a reason to not want you. And yes, I am fully aware that was a double negative…"

Zoe half-giggled, half-sobbed, the sound coming out loping and wounded. "Evan…."

"… and maybe I was caught by surprise with you last night, but I still smell like you fucked me, for Christ's sake, and now all I want to do is make love to you again and again, and I think deep down, you do too!" He lurched to the end of his spiel like a runaway train coming off its tracks, and its wheels too.

For several minutes, Zoe Murphy was rendered completely speechless. Even before Connor had died, she had suspected that the man standing before her had carried a torch for her. Here in the present, however, she couldn't exactly reconcile the goofy Evan she had shared her first kiss with and lost her virginity to, with the passionate man who stood before her now. Her face felt like it was on fire, and she would be lying if she said she wasn't flattered by him – or any guy – telling her outright he wanted her.

But this was Evan Hansen she was talking about – the man who had ingratiated himself to her by lying about another relationship that had never been, and when the truth had come out, had broken her heart. Now, ten, eleven some years on, here he was, panting after her. Anyone else, including Alana, might call it pathetic, as needy as a puppy dog. Yet coming from Evan, all their past history aside, it was…. incredibly sweet.

Still, the facts remained, and Zoe now felt the tears slipping down her cheeks. "Evan…. Please…. I…. I…. I'm not ready for that kind of a relationship. I have an…. an office to expand, I'm still figuring out how to mourn my brother who's been dead for over a decade, and now you come crashing back into my life, and…." She sank into her desk chair, head in her hand. "God! Why can't I ever be over…..?" She failed to finish the thought, and Evan's heart twinged because he figured he knew what she would have said. Over you.

"Do you want me to leave?" His voice came out small, child-like, but Zoe didn't glance up from where she was still resting her temple against her hand, staring down at the carpet. "I don't want to leave you, but I will if it makes you happy."

She finally lifted her face up to him, smiling sadly. Her heart and her mind were in torment. It was adorable and endearing how willing he was to walk away if it meant it would please her or at least ebb some discomfort. Fear of being manipulated again had her crying out to demand that he leave. And yet…. A wellspring of deep caring was whispering in her ear, urging her to tell him to stay. Hell, to take her right over her desk. She bit her lip, wincing.

Evan tilted his head at her. "What is it?"

"I'm…. I'm afraid," she whimpered meekly.

The absolutely crushed look on his face as he immediately understood her meaning nearly took her breath away. "I would never want to hurt you, Zoe. Though I know I have. But you forgave me for that…. didn't you?"

She nodded slowly.

"I won't hurt you now – I promise."

She found herself believing him – just as she had believed all his webs when they were teenagers. Only this time, there was a certainty resting in her heart that hadn't even been there in the immediate aftermath of Connor. The rational, practical side of her was grasping at straws for reasons not to immediately tackle this man right to the floor. "But… but my… my parents. What about you mom….?"

Evan cringed at the mention of Larry and Cynthia Murphy. Sure, Zoe had told him they'd forgiven him too, but even if he and Zoe allowed something to happen, he was far from ready for the prospect of seeing either of her parents again. "We don't have to have it be public just yet. We… we could be discreet. I won't tell if you won't."

A loaded beat filled with nothing but a heated gaze, and suddenly the pair were ravaging each other. Staggering back into Zoe's office door while intensely making out, Evan braced her there, shivering when she brazenly lifted her leg and hooked it over the back of his knees. Her tight business skirt rode up high over her hips. Evan nearly choked on Zoe's plundering tongue as she deftly used one free hand to finger off the buttons of her blouse, so that the top parted like curtains to reveal her round, pert breasts.

One hand digging into the curved flesh of her ass, the other cupping her boob and thumbing along her nipple until it had hardened into a mound of arousal, Evan groaned and rocked against her. He felt the pinch of nails digging into the skin of his backside as Zoe furiously rutted her hips back.

"Ev….Evan…." Zoe gasped, and his cock gave a furious twitch in his pants. "I…. Oooooh….." She tilted her neck back to give him access. "Inside me. Now."

Like the night before, she took charge in dropping his trousers down to his ankles and lifted her hips deliberately to ram him within her dripping wet folds. The door rattled as Evan began to awkwardly but frantically thrust into her, fucking her fast and hard. He sagged against her, breathing and grunting heavily, and Zoe held him close, whimpering and squeaking. She felt him hit her at just the right angle, and she actually let out a scream. One frantic shush from her lover, and she buried her face into his neck, the next sound emanating from her swollen and kissed mouth turning into something between a groan and a frustrated growl. "Mmmmmhmmmm….."

Evan found himself quaking, and he knew he was close. Unlike last night, however, he at least had enough of his wits about him to attempt to pull out like a gentleman.

So it was to his ever-expanding shock, however, when Zoe clamped her powerful thighs tightly around him, having none of it.

"You're not going anywhere," she snarled, rocking into him insistently. "You're going to cum deep and hard inside me. And you can stay in there as long as you want until you're finished fucking me. And if we make a baby, I wouldn't mind at all…." She seemed to be almost rambling, sounding half-drunk.

An image in his head of Zoe big, round, pregnant and gorgeous made Evan lose all control, and he choked out an "Oh, shit!" as he emptied his release fully into her warm and tight walls. He nearly collapsed against her, a sweating, shuddering mess, and only the feel of Zoe's lips on his skin as she adoringly kissed his face made him relax.

He set her down daintily, and he was in awe of her beauty and dignity as she collected herself, smoothed down her business skirt, her face flush with exertion and a commanding calmness, as if they hadn't just shagged loud enough to likely scare her receptionist just down the hall. Stepping shyly into him, Zoe perched on her tiptoes and silkily kissed Evan's lips. Drawing back, she was biting her lip cutely.

"OK," she whispered. "But…. if this is going to work…. I…. I want you to move in with me."

Evan frowned. He had heard about girls who could manipulate guys into cutting themselves off from their families, and he didn't want to leave his mother by herself. "Doesn't that seem a little…. big too fast?"

She shrugged. "Well, if we want to be discreet, I can't exactly come over to your place to do dirty, dirty things to you, now can I?"

Turning bright red, he giggled like a little boy. "What would I tell Mom, though?"

"Just say you've found a great apartment close by for a song on rent. After all, you're a pretty good liar…" Evan hung his head at that, shivering when he felt Zoe softly, intimately cup his cheek, lifting his face to force him to look at her. "That doesn't mean you're a bad person, though."

Evan nodded. "So…. are we…?" He gestured between the two of them.

Leaning in, Zoe kissed him again, looping her arms about his neck this time. When they broke apart, she nodded. "Yes," she whispered against his lips.

Beaming, hardly daring to believe it, Evan rather boldly dove back in for another deep kiss, and Zoe allowed it, purring.

"I love you," Evan murmured, his voice husky.

Gazing at him with wide eyes, Zoe nodded. "I know."