Chapter 18: Drifting Away

How could she be so blind? It was all Severus could think of as he tossed and turned in his bed that night down in the dungeons. Couldn't she see that he was trying to protect her? Couldn't she see the inevitable?

There was hurried whispering everywhere, even in the papers, about what was to come in the next few years. War seemed only a matter of time in the future. Voldemort was keen on realizing his vision for the entire wizarding world. True, there were parts of that vision that left Severus uneasy – the eradication of Muggle-borns didn't seem entirely necessary now, did it? And while it was true he hadn't gotten a firm commitment from Voldemort yet, maybe he could reason with the man. Revealing their presence and intent for rule to the entire non-magical world would likely require emissaries – Muggle-born wizards and witches who could convince their blood brethren that Voldemort would be a strong leader, stronger than their weak Prime Minister on Downing Street or the Queen in Buckingham Palace.

And especially stronger than Albus Dumbledore. Many said that Dumbledore was the greatest wizard of his time, and according to his friends Avery and Mulciber, Voldemort himself would always become eager to change the subject whenever the Headmaster of Hogwarts' name was mentioned. Almost as if Voldemort… feared him. The possibility seemed interesting. Perhaps Voldemort viewed Dumbledore as a potential rival? Severus couldn't see how – Dumbledore might have powerful magic in his veins, but as a leader… he relied more on the awe of others, the notoriety of his name than actual leadership qualities. For Albus Dumbledore, respect always seemed to be freely given, not earned. If there was any proof to his power – a power that even the Dark Lord himself seemed possibly threatened by – then it wasn't displayed in how the old codger ran his own school.

All Severus had to do was look back at the incident at the Whomping Willow to realize that – the first incident, anyway, when Potter had treated his life like it was his own personal plaything, then chickened out from offing him at the last second. For some reason, Dumbledore had decided that the blame for the fiasco fell on both sides, and even then, not evenly. No, Dumbledore had decided that Severus was guilty of the crime of listening to an idiotic fool like Sirius Black. Never mind that for once, Sirius had actually been telling the truth about what was under that tree. Black knowingly told the truth and just allowed another student to walk into danger, all for a lark. And no one could ever tell Severus that James hadn't known about it, hadn't been in on it. He had just been slightly less sadistic than his frolicking playboy of a best mate and decided at the eleventh hour that, actually, maybe accessory to murder wouldn't look too good on his resumé. And then the bastard had expected a life debt, eternal thanks on bended knee? Oh no, Severus hadn't been about to prostrate himself to that! Especially not after, for reckless endangerment of another student, Dumbledore had treated his Gryffindor pets leniently and practically let them off with 50, maybe 100 House points deducted. Whereas Severus had been made to pretty much cover for boys he hated for good reason, boys who had tormented him with more and more impunity because they never seemed to be held accountable. It was privilege, all of it reeked of rotting, stinking privilege, and Severus couldn't wait until Voldemort took over and all the elites got knocked down a peg.

That was what was motivating him, more than anything else. In the war that was sure to come, he knew Potter would fight. Potter, Black and Pettigrew, they would all fight, for the side that had always treated them like their shit never stank. Had to keep up the image of 'Gryffindor, who dwell the brave at heart' bullshit routine, after all. What utter rot! Potter was no hero. He was a right bloody coward, that's what he was – hexing a fellow student when his back was turned (Severus, of course). Possibly wanting to see him dead, then walking it back to preserve his carefully cultivated, fake reputation. And to top it all off, assuming that, because he had always gotten everything he'd ever wanted without being told No, all good things in this world should just be his, that he could just take whatever he wanted, including his girl. His Lily. Lily wasn't Potter's to own! And if he thought that, then he was even more of a flaming 'tard than Severus ever knew. James Potter was nothing more than a whitey-rich, egotistical prat with a pretty boy face. Nice house, but there was nobody home – plus the entire interior of the home needed a top to bottom renovation.

But the most unforgivable thing of all was that Lily was letting Potter in. By slight degrees, perhaps – she only agreed to dance with the bloke so that he'd leave her the hell alone. She might be making it very clear she didn't care for him, but James had wiles. How long could Lily's insightful and justified disdain really last against a pair of pretty eyes and smooth talk? Severus had seen weaker girls reduced to giggling messes at James' flirtations within minutes; in that, Lily had stayed stronger than most, but could she last until graduation in eighteen months' time? Severus hoped so, but the first inclinations of doubt were trickling in.

Potter had taken away his dignity, and now seemed quite intent on taking away the one good thing in Severus's life too, just because he could. No, Severus refused to stand aside and allow that. And now it seemed that there was only one person who could put a stop to it.

Throwing back the curtains to his four-poster, Severus marched over to where Mulciber was sleeping and shook him awake.

"Oi! What the bloody hell, Snape?"

"You tell your Dark Lord, the minute I've graduated, I'm in. I want to take the Dark Mark, all of it." Severus felt his voice shake a little, and he tried to tell himself it was from exhilaration. That there was a way out, a way to get rid of Potter and possibly even protect Lily.

In the darkness, Mulciber's eyes gleamed. "I'll be sure to pass on the message."

In her six years at Hogwarts, Lily had never cared for Quidditch. It had helped and been comforting to know that Sev hadn't either.

Stop, she scolded herself, as the salty sting of tears started to gather behind her eyes. Don't think about him.

The only reason she was attending this match at all – one that would apparently decide the play-offs for the School Cup in the spring – was that Mary had practically browbeat her into coming. And so, tossing her long, red hair out of her face, a book clutched to her chest (just in case she got bored watching overgrown idiots zip around on broomsticks, which she probably would), Lily ascended the bleachers awash in Gryffindor red, scanning the crowd for her pretty Irish friend.

"Halloo, Lily! Over here!" Following the call of her name, Lily spotted Peter Pettigrew standing on a riser and flagging her down, his mousy face pinched into a boyish grin. She tried to make her smile genuine, pasting it over her instinctual cringe, as she sashayed through the crunch of bodies towards him.

"Hi, Peter," she said kindly. Peter Pettigrew might not be as immature as the others (though that was partially due to the fact that Remus's exceeding level of maturity likely skewered the graph, where the four Marauders were concerned), but the small, portly boy was still rather pathetic. It was hard to believe he was her year when he still looked like a first-year.

"Excited for the game?"

"I guess," Lily shrugged. "I've never been to one."

"Oh, you're in for a treat! James is right brilliant at it!" And taking her hand, Peter guided her down a crowded row to his friends.

Sirius brushed his shaggy bangs out of his eyes, which sparkled upon catching sight of her. "Wotcher, Lily! You made it!" He rummaged through the bag in his lap and pulled out a treat. "Pumpkin pasty?"

Lily accepted it with her lips pursed in a shy, socially awkward smile of thanks. Craning her neck around Sirius, she spotted Mary leaning her head on Remus's shoulder; her best girlfriend immediately brightened, smile radiant as she waved. Remus drew her in close, an actually content smile on his face. Lily couldn't help but beam in watching the couple. They suited each other quite well, Remus and Mary. It made her heart envious, a little, and she sighed, wishing that someday she could find someone to love like that. For a time, she had thought Severus had it in him to be more than a friend, to be closer to a lover…. but he had failed. Sad as it was, there wasn't anything she could do about it now.

An ear-splitting roar from her fellow Gryffindors in the stands made Lily wince, hands floating near her sensitive ears. "Sorry I'm late!" she called out to Sirius over the din. "Is it always like this?"

"Usually when James is showing off, yeah," Sirius briefly glanced up from where his nose was still stuck in his bag of concessions. Turning her head, Lily followed his gaze: Mary was now straddling Remus's lap, the pair of them snogging so heatedly, it was hard to tell whose mouth was whose. When Mary began to bounce against Remus's hips, almost humping his leg, Sirius insistently tapped the engrossed couple on the shoulder. "Oi! Get out of it, will you? Some of us have better things to watch!"

"No, we don't…" Peter muttered, eyes nearly popping at the creamy leg Mary was showing with her skirts bunched up around her hips. He must have thought no one heard him, but Lily did, and she couldn't help but giggle.

"Piss off, Black," Mary muttered, sending a rude gesture in Sirius's direction before snogging Remus deeply again.

Sirius rubbed shoulders with Remus, nudging him and his lover apart. "At least take it inside, why don't you? Or under the bleachers, if you wanna shag her hoo-ha! My willy's stiff as a wand!"

Lily cringed at Sirius's colorful mouth, cheeks turning red. Mary just huffed and daintily swung her thighs off Remus's hips as she dismounted him. "Oh, bloody all right then, if we're leaving you in that much agony." And tugging on Remus's hand, she dragged him out of the row and under the bleachers, presumably to have a good fuck.

The Gryffindors started to roar again; further down their row, someone started the wave. Lily followed along, still looking a little lost, lifting out of her seat a little too fast and awkwardly, causing Peter and Sirius to roar with laughter.

"Someone goose your bum, eh, Evans?" Sirius cracked, with a wink.

At this, Lily actually smiled. "Dunno. But it better not have been you, you jolly prat!"

Sirius grinned wickedly and gave her a wink. "I never pinch and tell, poppet." Then he stiffened suddenly, gazing out onto the field and pointed. "OH, GLORY, LOOK AT THAT!"

And then he and Peter were jumping up and down and manhandling each other, yelling themselves hoarse.

"CATCH IT, JAMES!"

"ARE YOU REALLY THAT SLOWER THAN A SNITCH? COME ON, POTTER, MOVE YOUR BLOOMING ARSE!"

Lily blasted out a laugh, shaking her head in total bemusement at these two fools. Gazing out onto the pitch, she tracked with her eyes as a figure in a red robe plummeted towards the ground in a dizzying dive, then pulled up right at the last moment. Golly….. James really was fast, and bloody good!

As soon as the distant figure of James hefted his fist in the air, the stadium exploded.

"James Potter has caught the Snitch! Gryffindor wins, and is headed to the play-offs against Hufflepuff!"

Sirius and Peter cheered, before the former passed his bag of treats off to Lily.

"Here, Lily, you can have the rest. I'd better go under the seats and make sure Remus and MacDonald come up for air."

Peter gallantly held out his arm. "May I escort you back, miss?" Lily threw back her head and laughed at how adorably bashful and awkward he was, but allowed Peter to take her arm. They navigated their way out of the bleachers and across the pitch, intercepting the Gryffindor team on their way to the lockers.

"There's James!" Peter dashed forward, tugging Lily along and leaving her no choice but to follow. He practically leapt into James' arms, hooting.

"You never miss a catch, James! You're the greatest Seeker in the whole world!"

"I know!" James laughed, staring down with genuine fondness at his friend. Then glancing up, he froze a little, eyes and smile brightening. Lily had to confess… she rather liked it when James smiled like this. It was real, easy. "Hullo, Evans. What's this? You've been converted to a true fan?"

Lily smirked, amused. "Of Quidditch, or of you?"

James barked out a laugh. "Right good distinction at that!"

"M…. Mary invited me. Made it very clear I wasn't to bunt out."

"Good on MacDonald, then. There's a bloody fine broad – Remus is the luckiest bloke in the world, I say!"

"He got even luckier! Wait till you hear how she put out in the stands!"

"No!" James's eyes danced at Peter's report. "Did she really? And here I thought MacDonald was a much more classy duchess!"

"Sirius made them take it under the bleachers. I think I heard her moaning between lulls."

Lily rolled her eyes. "If you boys are quite done talking about shagging…." She glanced up just in time to see James sending a conspiratorial grin to Peter, followed by a flick of his wand. In the near distance, a prowling boy in green robes suddenly pitched forward with a cry, causing James and Peter to roar with laughter. Recognizing the head of greasy black hair, Lily's heart clenched: it was Severus….

Suddenly seeing red, Lily marched forward, spun James around and slapped him hard across the face.

Peter let out a rodent-like squeak and James staggered back a step, stunned, hand flying to his cheek. "What the hell, Evans?!"

"OI!" Behind them, Sirius had witnessed the slap just in time and was now dashing forward, Remus and Mary on his heels.

"DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY TO ATTACK DEFENSELESS PEOPLE! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GROW UP?!"

For once in his life, James was speechless, gawping as Lily continued to rant.

"IF YOU THINK IT SOMEHOW IMPRESSES ME, WELL, SORRY, IT DOESN'T! YOU'D BETTER STRAIGHTEN UP, POTTER, OTHERWISE YOU'RE GOING TO BE JUST LIKE THIS AFTER SCHOOL – A MAN-CHILD WITH ONLY A COUPLE OF HANGERS-ON FOR FRIENDS!"

"I…. I'm sorry," James stammered, head spinning.

"YOU'RE REALLY SORRY? PROVE IT! SHOW ME!" And Lily stormed off in a huff, flouncing prissily with her nose in the air.

Watching her go, Sirius could only shake his head, half in admiration. "What a woman…."

"Shut up, Padfoot." But there was no bite to James' voice and only a deeply contemplative expression as he watched Lily disappear into the castle….