Chapter 20: Past the Point of No Return

Severus opened his eyes, blinking furiously as he fumbled in his pockets. He checked both of his sleeves before he reached for the bedside table, bewildered by the crunch of fallen leaves between his fingers.

"Accio wand?"

He heard a rustling sound, sighing in relief as the familiar length of wood landed in his palm.

"Lumos."

Towering trees loomed overhead, the meager light from his wand casting shadows across the forest floor. He shivered as a gust of wind whistled through the branches, sharp and strangely hollow, echoed by the screech of a nearby owl.

He didn't know where he was. Didn't know how he'd gotten there. Only when he attempted to sit up did it come back to him, his body aching in protest as he lowered himself back to the ground.

James Bloody Potter. Sirius Fucking Black. Of course. They'd followed him into the trees, choosing to ambush him at a particularly vulnerable moment. After he'd seen Potter kiss Lily…

He groaned, picturing it all over again as he pushed himself up on his arms. And then he groaned for another reason entirely, realizing he had several broken bones. Somehow, he managed to drag himself to the base of the nearest tree, leaning heavily against the trunk as he attempted to heal himself.

It didn't work.

He gave his wand another flick, though it was a useless effort. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't maintain the focus he needed to perform the spells.

Blood loss? That seemed like the most likely culprit. He had several deep gashes on his legs and torso, one of which was still bleeding. Ripping off a strip of his coat, he applied pressure to the wound, using his other hand to reach in his pocket. He withdrew several tiny flasks, downing a few drops of Blood Replenisher.

Feeling a bit stronger, he mended his broken bones, stifling his moans as he did so. Scrapes, bruises, burns, abrasions… it took him more than an hour to patch himself up, an effort that left him trembling with exhaustion.

Finally, he lay back down, realizing he needed a few more minutes to recuperate. He closed his eyes, still haunted by images that seemed much more painful than his injuries. Lily… Lily kissing Potter… Potter running his hands all over her like she was one of his many possessions. Just the memory of it was sickening, not helped by what he believed to be a mild concussion.

"Fuck."

His stomach lurched, his half healed ribs throbbing as he vomited into a pile of leaves. He couldn't seem to stop it, one excruciating spasm swiftly followed by another until finally, his body went limp.

By that point, he didn't care that he was crying. Didn't care if he lived or died, really. He curled into a fetal position, shivering in the darkness as he wondered what he'd done to deserve such a miserable life.

"I can't believe he did this to you."

Lily shook her head, staring at the nasty cut on James's cheek. To think that she'd asked him to leave Severus alone, assuming that would be the end of any conflict between them. How could she have been so stupid?

"It's all right. Nothing Madam Pomfrey can't fix."

"I still don't understand what happened. Was he alone?"

"Honestly?" James sighed. "I don't know. After I walked you up to Hogwarts, I went back to find Sirius. Didn't see him right away, so I decided to wait for him behind Honeyduke's. The next thing I knew, someone hit me with a Blinding Hex. Not a strong one, thankfully, but enough to block out my vision for several minutes. Then I… well, I guess he couldn't have been alone. I felt several spells hit me at once, right before I lost consciousness."

"But how do you know it was Severus? I mean, if you couldn't see…"

"I might not have seen him, but I heard him. Can't mistake that voice for anyone else's."

She nodded, conceding the point. "What did he say?"

"I… it doesn't matter."

"Like hell it doesn't. Tell me what he said."

"All right." James hesitated, lowering his voice before he continued. "He said it was only a matter of time before you forgave him. Said he wouldn't let you anywhere near me once he had you back."

"Wouldn't let me?!" She scowled, remembering the last time Severus had dared to use that word with her. "That's my choice, not his!"

"I know," James said. "Anyway, I'm just glad Sirius showed up when he did. I hate to admit it, but I was completely helpless."

"That's nothing to be ashamed of. It wasn't your fault."

"I don't know, Lily. Maybe it was."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, if I hadn't been such a prat in my earlier years, maybe I wouldn't have been such a target."

"Oh please. You know how the Slytherins are. They'll attack anyone who seems vulnerable, whether or not they've done anything to provoke them. Do you think Mary MacDonald deserved to be cursed? Or Howie Higginbotham?"

"No, I guess not."

"Exactly."

Before James could say anything else, Madame Pomfrey pushed the curtain aside. She gave him a dose of pain reliever before she glanced at Lily, followed by a pointed glance at the door.

"Can I just have a minute to say good night?"

"Fine, but make it quick."

Once Madame Pomfrey was gone, James let out a dramatic sigh, his lips twitching as he flung his arms over his head.

"If you want to take advantage of me, now's your chance. I'm afraid I don't have the strength to fight you off."

She shook her head, stifling a giggle. "Just a kiss goodnight, I promise."

"All right, though do be gentle. I'm an injured man."

Smiling, she leaned over the bed, pressing her lips to his. She left him soon thereafter, tucking the blankets around him before she stepped out into the hallway. Expecting it to be deserted, she was surprised to see a dark clad figure emerge from around the corner.

"Severus?"

He stopped in his tracks, his eyes fixed on hers.

"I want to talk to you," she said, grabbing him by the sleeve of his robe. "Now."

He didn't resist, not even when she pushed him against the wall. He did wince, however, which seemed a bit excessive. Was he hurt? She felt a brief flicker of concern, though that was quickly forgotten when she remembered James's injuries.

"Why, Severus? Why did you do it?"

"I…" He trailed off, his expression wary. "I'm not sure what you mean."

"Oh, don't play the innocent with me. You know exactly what I'm talking about!"

"If you're referring to the incident with Potter…"

"Incident?" She stared at him incredulously. "You ambushed him!"

"Is that what he told you? Well, I'm afraid it was the other way around."

"Then why is he the one lying in the Hospital Wing?"

"I healed myself."

She shook her head. "You don't know how to heal, Severus. All you ever do is destroy."

He jerked his face away, his expression shielded by a curtain of hair. Even his body recoiled, increasing the distance between them as he spoke in a low, trembling voice.

"If that's what you think of me…"

"What else am I supposed to think?"

"Oh, I don't know," he said bitterly. "Give me the benefit of the doubt, perhaps?"

"I have, Severus. I gave you the benefit of the doubt for years. And where did that get me? You just kept hanging around with those terrible people, messing with the Dark Arts and Merlin knows what else. Then you called me that awful name…"

"I told you I was sorry for that."

"Yes, but the rest of it didn't change, did it? You still…"

"Mr. Snape!"

They both turned their heads to see Professor McGonagall striding down the hall. Her expression was sterner than Lily had ever seen it, steel gray eyes fixed on Severus.

"Give me one reason," she said as she drew closer, "why I shouldn't expel you."

"Because I haven't…" Severus hesitated, muttering something under his breath. "Expel me if you wish. I really don't care."

"I'm sure that's what you'd like everyone to think. Do you know what I think, Mr. Snape?"

"No."

"I think you do care. That's why I'm not going to expel you, at least for the time being."

Severus closed his eyes, sighing in apparent relief. It was a strange reaction, one Lily wouldn't have expected. Was he really that concerned about his schooling? She'd assumed he couldn't wait to leave Hogwarts, as eager as his friends to become one of Lord Voldemort's followers.

"You will be serving detention, however," Professor McGonagall continued. "8 PM on Saturdays."

"How many…"

"Until the end of the school year. Oh, and I'm taking 75 points from Slytherin."

"75?!"

"50 points for your assault on James Potter. 25 points for your late return."

"I couldn't help being late! I was…" Severus sighed, giving his head a little shake. "Fine. Can I go now?"

"If you'll agree to my final stipulation."

"What's that?"

"You will apologize to Mr. Potter."

"No."

Professor McGonagall narrowed her eyes. "This isn't optional."

"And yet I still have the ability to refuse." Severus, who'd seemed defeated just a moment before, now stood defiant. "I will not apologize. Not to him. Punish me, torture me, kill me outright, I don't care. I'd rather die than…"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic."

They glared at each other, seeming to have forgotten Lily's presence. She took advantage of the lull in their conversation, placing a hand on Severus's arm.

"Why don't you just apologize? I know you don't like James, but what you did was wrong. Can't you see that?"

"I didn't do anything wrong! He's the one who started it, he…"

"Don't you want this to end? This rivalry between you, this feud, whatever it is. Wouldn't it be easier if all of you could just let it go?"

"Yes, but…"

"Well," she interrupted, keeping her voice gentle. "That has to start somewhere. Apologize to him, please. Maybe it will help."

For a long moment, Severus didn't speak. He llifted his eyes to the wall, his features twisting with a dozen conflicting emotions. And then finally, he met her eyes again, his expression filled with what seemed like genuine regret.

"I can't do it," he said quietly. "Not even for you."

"Bloody hell, Severus! Why can't you just…"

He shook his head. "I might have been willing to apologize for this afternoon, disregarding the fact that I did nothing to provoke it. But what he's doing to you? I will never, ever forgive him for that. That's why I cannot, will not…"

"What he's doing to me?"

"He's deceiving you, Lily. He's manipulating you and you can't even see it. You have no idea…"

"What are you talking about? He hasn't done anything…"

"It's late," Professor McGonagall interrupted. "Time for both of you to get back to your common rooms. Oh, and Mr. Snape? If you refuse to apologize, then you'll be serving double detentions. Saturdays and Sundays from now until the end of the school year."

"I'll see you on Saturday, then," he snapped. "Sunday, too."

With that, he shook his head, muttering under his breath as he stalked away.

Professor McGonagall waited for him to disappear, seeming more relaxed as she turned her attention to Lily.

"May I give you a bit of advice?"

"Um, sure."

"Be careful with him."

"Severus?"

Professor McGonagall nodded. "I try not to meddle in the personal lives of my students, but I can't pretend I'm not concerned. I know the two of you used to be close."

"We aren't anymore."

"Yes, well, I don't think he's too happy about your estrangement. He'd be willing to say just about anything to get back in your good graces, I'm sure."

"So you don't think it's possible that James attacked him first?"

"It seems highly unlikely. Only one of them has cause to be jealous, after all, and it isn't Mr. Potter."

Lily nodded. "I have been spending a lot of time with James lately."

"And none with Mr. Snape. It's certainly possible, probable even, that he decided to lash out. The trip to Hogsmeade would've been a perfect opportunity to do so."

"But the way he talked about it…" She trailed off, recalling the conversation she'd just had with Severus. True, he'd claimed that it had been James who'd ambushed him, but he hadn't tried that hard to convince her. It was as if he'd already given up, like he knew she wouldn't believe him no matter what he said.

"He tried to make you feel sorry for him," Professor McGonagall finished for her. "He does that with me, too, though I never fall for it. It's manipulation, plain and simple."

"He said that James was the one who was trying to manipulate me."

"You don't believe that, do you?"

Lily hesitated, remembering the bitterness in Severus's voice when he spoke. Was it really all an act? Part of her still wanted to believe him, yet she couldn't ignore the memory of James lying in that hospital bed. James, who had no reason to lie to her, who'd certainly had no reason to lash out at Severus. Really, why would he have done such a thing? Severus was no threat to him.

"No," she finally responded, her voice quiet. "I guess not."

Over the next couple months, Severus's life went from bad to worse. Potter and Black tormented him daily, newly emboldened by the incident in the forest. And why wouldn't they feel confident? Without any threat of punishment, they had nothing to lose.

Naturally, they never challenged him to a fair fight. They'd learned that lesson the hard way. Instead, they did their best to catch him unawares, relying on Potter's invisibility cloak to conceal their location. He could hardly walk through the halls now without getting hit by some nasty hex, unable to defend himself against assailants who refused to show their faces.

Cowards.

Meanwhile, Lily remained ignorant of their actions. Potter acted like a bloody saint whenever she was around, relying on his friends to do his dirty work. It didn't help that he'd continued to paint Severus as the villain, blaming him for numerous things he hadn't even done. 25 points from Slytherin for a Stinging Jinx he hadn't cast. 50 points for destroying Potter's Transfiguration textbook, ignoring the fact that he'd been asleep when the incident had occurred.

Severus could handle the punishments. Lily's accusatory glares? Those were more difficult to tolerate, though it seemed he had little choice in the matter.

Still, he found ways of striking back. He'd put Black in the Hospital Wing twice last week, and the vomit inducer he'd slipped into Potter's pumpkin juice had been particularly entertaining. Granted, he hadn't meant for Lily to have to deal with the results, but ruining one of their endless snogging sessions? He couldn't be sorry for that.

"Keep scrubbing. I want you gone by midnight."

Severus jerked his head, pouring more cleanser on the floor. He shifted back to his hands and knees, scrubbing furiously at a spot that had probably been there for centuries.

Filch grunted. "That's more like it."

The detentions weren't a bright spot in his life either, but he could tolerate working for Filch. What troubled him was the reason behind it, the fact that (as usual) he'd been forced to play the scapegoat. No one cared about his side of the story. They wouldn't have believed him even if they'd chosen to hear him out. The teachers had treated him that way for years, of course, but Lily…

The irony was, he'd never lied to her. He'd always told her the truth, whether it benefited him or not. She'd known who his friends were, had been well aware of his interest in the Dark Arts, regardless of her disapproval. He'd never attempted to mislead her, even on the night she'd ended their friendship.

"You see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"

One little lie. Just one little lie, and he could've earned her forgiveness. Instead, he'd let her come to her own conclusions, damning himself in the process.

Why?

He'd asked himself that question countless times, though the answer was always the same. He loved her too much to deceive her. He couldn't pretend to be anything other than what he was, even if that led to her rejection. The choice had always been hers – he couldn't bear the thought of keeping her around under false pretenses.

Severus scowled, pouring more cleanser on the floor before he resumed scrubbing. Fucking Potter. Lily and Potter. Everything about their relationship made him sick, but the worst part, the absolute worst…

"You ambushed him!"

"Is that what he told you? Well, I'm afraid it was the other way around."

"Then why is he the one lying in the Hospital Wing?"

Potter was a bloody liar. A deceitful, manipulative piece of shit. Trying so hard to be honest, only to lose Lily to someone like him? It was beyond insulting. Intolerable. He couldn't believe…

"Good enough for now. Get out of here."

Severus sat up, surprised to see that the floor was spotless. Despite his bloody knuckles, he felt a tiny bit better, relieved to have found an outlet for his frustrations.

He headed downstairs, wondering what time it was as he hurried along the deserted hallway. Perhaps he could finish that Charms essay before he…

"Stupefy!"

Two jets of light hit him in the chest, leaving him no chance to reach for his wand. Not that it would've done him any good. He hit the ground with an excruciating thud, horrified as he recognized the effects of the second spell. He couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't even turn his head to see who'd attacked him. All he could do was lay there, rigid and helpless, his eyes darting around frantically as he realized what was happening.

First, they removed his robes, followed by his boots and trousers. His shirt came off next, scraps of shredded fabric floating in the air like snowflakes. They even got rid of his socks, chuckling softly as they did so.

"Go ahead, Padfoot. Do it."

"If you insist."

Severus cringed as his underpants disappeared, his bare backside pressed against the cold stone floor. He'd never felt more vulnerable, more exposed, dreading what might happen next. They could do anything they wanted. What could he do to stop them?

"Look how small it is."

"Sad little thing," Black agreed. "Think he's ever used it on anyone?"

"Are you kidding? Who the hell would shag someone like him?"

"Good point."

Inwardly, Severus scowled, fear momentarily replaced by injured pride. Small? Hardly. Between a complete lack of arousal and the bitter cold, it was only to be expected that…

Potter moved closer, his shadow darkening Severus's line of vision.

"Well, since he obviously doesn't need it, maybe we should cut it off."

Fear returned with a vengeance, an icy trickle of sweat creeping down Severus's neck as Potter poked him with the tip of his wand. He wouldn't… would he? Surely there were some things even the precious Marauders couldn't get away with.

"Nah," Black said. "I've got a better idea."

He whispered something to Potter, though the words were too low to overhear. Potter laughed in response to whatever he said, murmuring in agreement.

"Reducio!"

A shrinking charm? Comparatively speaking, that wasn't so bad. Humiliating, yes, but if that was the worst they could do…

"Ready?"

Severus wasn't prepared for what happened next. He heard a rustle of fabric, followed by something warm and wet hitting his chest, his stomach, soaking his face and hair. He tried in vain to turn away, gagging as the pungent odor of urine invaded his nostrils.

"All right, Snivellus," Potter said as his voice faded into the distance. "Sleep well."

Until that moment, Severus hadn't decided to become a Death Eater. Oh, he'd thought about it, but there'd always been some niggling doubt in the back of his mind, urging him to proceed with caution. But as he lay there naked and helpless, unable to even shiver in response to the frigid night air, those doubts were finally put to rest.

Professor Flitwick found Severus the next morning, though he wasn't spared the humiliation of at least a dozen students peering at him over the tiny wizard's head. Flitwick shooed them away, canceling the Petrificus spell with a flick of his wand. He cast a Warming Charm, draping his cloak over Severus's lap.

"My word, Severus! Who did this to you?"

Potter and Black chose that exact moment to walk by, their expressions smug as they stared down at him. Lily was right behind them, though she at least had enough consideration to turn around, affording him some small measure of privacy.

His first instinct was to call them out. Indeed, he wanted nothing more than to tell Flitwick exactly what they'd done. But would it do any good? Of course not. Despicable though they were, neither Potter or Black were stupid. They would've never struck out at him unless they were sure they could get away with it.

No. He refused to give them the satisfaction. Pleading for justice, only to be denied? He'd been humiliated enough.

"I don't know who did it," he finally said, his voice raspy from lack of use. "I never saw them."

Severus didn't take the Hogwarts Express when he left for winter break. With his 18th birthday just a few weeks away, he was of age now, old enough to use the Apparition point beyond the front gate.

Hesitating, he reached in the pocket of his traveling cloak. Withdrawing a roll of parchment, he unfurled it, staring down at several lines of neat script.

Severus Snape,

I understand that you, a wizard of considerable talent and alacrity, have shown interest in joining our cause. If this is still the case, report to 114 Wiltshire Dr. in Newcastle, England at 8 PM on December 16 for further consultation.

Severus felt his heart begin to pound. He didn't recognize the handwriting, but somehow in his bones, he knew whom it was from. It was time then. The fact that Voldemort's tone did nothing to indicate or even recall with fondness the last time they had met, after the Triwizard Tournament fifth year, did nothing to deter Severus's excitement. Tucking the message away, he closed his eyes, turning in a slow circle as he focused on his destination. It turned out to be a derelict old house, leaving him to wonder if he'd gotten the location wrong. He thought about making another attempt, but then a hooded figure slipped out of the shadows, approaching him with slow, measured footsteps.

"Severus Snape?"

"Yes."

"Good, very good. Come with me."

The interior of the house looked no better than the outside, full of dust and cobwebs and broken down furniture. What was going on? Surely the Dark Lord would never inhabit a place like this.

"Put these on."

Despite his uneasiness, Severus did as he was told. He exchanged his cloak for the heavy brown one, covering his head with the tattered hood.

"I thought Death Eaters wore…"

"You're not a Death Eater yet. Come."

Obediently, he followed the hooded figure, slipping behind a rickety old bookcase. He descended the steps that lay on the other side, gasping as he observed his new surroundings.

It was the most elegant room he'd ever seen, dozens of torches reflecting off the gilded walls. The floor was crafted from black marble, antique furniture of velvet and mahogany scattered throughout. He imagined this was what a royal reception hall would look like, and indeed, there was a fair amount of truth to that impression. At the other end f the room stood a raised dais, in the middle of which sat an intricately carved chair.

Severus stopped in his tracks, his eyes widening. He took a deep breath, his heart pounding furiously as the Dark Lord beckoned him forward with a pale, slim hand.

"Go on," the wizard beside him whispered. "There's no need to be afraid."

"I'm not afraid," he said, and indeed, he wasn't. He moved forward without hesitation, his footsteps echoing in the otherwise silent hall.

"Severus Snape," Voldemort said when he drew near. "Come, sit beside me."

"My lord, I'm not worthy of the honor."

His behavior was met with a hiss of approval, followed by a satisfied nod.

"There's no need to stand on ceremony, Severus. Not tonight. I simply wish to make your acquaintance."

The next thing he knew, he was seated beside the Dark Lord, holding a glass of the finest elf made wine he'd ever tasted. The wizard who'd escorted him retreated to the opposite side of the room, seeming to obey some unspoken request for privacy.

"Now, why don't you tell me why you came here?"

"I received your invitation, my lord."

"That isn't what I mean."

Severus hesitated. "I came because I'm sympathetic to your cause. Like you, I believe…"

"No," Voldemort interrupted. "That isn't the answer I'm looking for. Why are you here?"

"Because I'm tired of my insignificance. Tired of feeling powerless. I am tired of wanting things that cannot possibly be mine. I'm tired of knowing that no matter what I do…"

"Yes?" the Dark Lord prompted when he trailed off.

"I'm tired," he repeated. "Tired of feeling less than. Unworthy. Tired of others looking down on me, assuming they can treat me like rubbish."

"And why should anyone look down on you? You've barely reached your majority, yet you're already exceptionally skilled. From what I understand, you possess more knowledge about the Dark Arts than wizards four times your age, not to mention your considerable talent with potions."

"How do you know…"

"I've been watching you for years, Severus, marveling over your potential."

"T-thank you, my lord." Severus stared at him, stunned, hardly able to believe that anyone could find him so valuable. To merit such close scrutiny…

"Now, I'll ask you one more time. Why are you here?"

"Because I want to explore my full potential. I want to draw upon my talents, use them to create a world where those talents are valued and respected. I want to be confident in my power, to know that no one can look down on me for who I am. I want my enemies…"

"Your enemies," Voldemort repeated, lingering over the words like a caress. "What do you want from your enemies?"

Severus couldn't help but picture the Marauders, recalling countless injustices he'd suffered at their hands. It hadn't been so bad when he'd had the option of striking back, but all those times they'd rendered him helpless? They'd stripped away his dignity, treating him as something less than human.

"I want them to respect my power," he said quietly. "I want them to fear it. I want them to think twice before they strike out against me, knowing that the consequences will be severe if they ever choose to do so."

Voldemort nodded. "If that is what you want, then that is what you shall have. And I will be the one to give it to you."

"I… I don't know what to say."

"We are a family, Severus. We take care of our own. Join our cause and you will earn the respect you desire. You'll be supported in your ambitions, granted protection, valued for your contributions. All I ask in return is your loyalty."

"My lord." Severus dropped from his chair, kneeling at the Dark Lord's feet. "It is yours."

"Well then, are you ready to take the Mark?"

"Please."

Severus bared his forearm, bracing himself for the pain. It was pure agony, though he managed to remain silent, gritting his teeth as his nerve endings caught fire. And then just as suddenly, the pain was gone. He opened his eyes, staring in wonder at the intricate brand that had been etched into his skin.

"With this mark, I proclaim you one of ours," Voldemort said, his eyes glittering beneath the torchlight. "From now until your final breath, your allegiance lies with me."

"My lord, I commit myself to your service."