Chapter 25: Gratitude

Severus flinched as Lily let out a small moan in her sleep before her eyes blinked open and she sat up quickly, pulling her knees up to her chest defensively before looking around the room, her eyes landing on him almost as an afterthought and he tried without success to read her expression before she suddenly put a hand to her head and he leapt up, saying awkwardly, "I have a draught for headaches should you require-"

"No," she cut him off and though her face was humorless her voice had a glimmer of the teasing edge he'd adored so much so long ago as she continued, more harshly than he'd expected "I don't require," before swinging her legs over the side of the bed, not seeming to notice or care that she hadn't cleaned up at all since the night before, was even still wearing the muggle clothing she was nearly killed in that looked so ridiculous inside Hogwarts walls-

"I guess it's too much to hope that this is all just a dream, huh?" she blurted after a long moment of awkward silence and Severus hated the way he seemed unable to speak as he shook his head in the negative. "Thought so," she nodded almost flippantly, but as she tried to stand her knees gave out from under her and though he didn't dare to step closer to her he could see that her whole body was shaking. She let out a small, self-deprecating laugh before muttering, "Don't suppose you have a draught to treat a hysterical woman who just saw her whole family killed?"

"No," he replied, hating how he was reduced to one syllable responses even in her presence, that he had no idea what to say- 'I'm glad you're alive' seemed insufficient, even inappropriate, but it was practically the only thing he could think, over and over- as he'd watched her sleep he had given thanks to a god he had never believed in for somehow keeping her safe, allowing her to get to Hogwarts-

"Bummer," she replied with a slight arch of her eyebrow and he was struck by her wit and humor, even now, how she was fighting to retain them- and with a visible effort she stood, still shaking slightly but spine straight as she said unthinkingly, "So I guess Dumbledore sent you to wake me up?"

He opened his mouth and then shut it, uncertain how to respond, knowing only that she must never, ever know he'd been there all night just trying to reassure himself that she was alright, trying to ensure someone would be there if she needed anything-

"Yes," he lied.

She nodded, "Figures," she muttered before looking suddenly, genuinely remorseful, and she looked him in the eye before stating, "He trusts you a lot, you know. I can tell."

Severus opened and closed his mouth again, realizing he must appear to be an idiot but totally unsure of how to respond to her incredulous statement before he managed to utter stiffly, "Trust is not something that is afforded to me or that I deserve. Albus has come to depend on me, no more."

Her brow furrowed and for a second she looked like she wanted to say something but then shook her head, but whether because she decided she had larger worries at the moment or because she didn't know what to say Severus couldn't tell. "Is he in his office?" she enquired, turning toward the door at the same moment Albus appeared in it, smiling kindly at her as he retorted,

"It would seem he's here instead," before stepping into the room and surveying Lily closely. "Epi-" he began to say, his wand angled at her scraped cheek, but Lily's hand shot up and she said dully,

"Leave it." At Albus's mildly surprised and Severus's incredulous look she cast her eyes down, but said firmly, "In tribute to those who have fallen."

Albus shrugged agreeably even as he said persuasively, "It's only a scrape, it will heal-"

"I wish it were a scar," Lily stated strongly, turning from him in a way that made it clear that the topic was closed.

To Severus's surprise Dumbledore merely nodded, seeming to understand before he said with compassion, "I know you do. Might I convince you, however, to come down to breakfast?"

She shook her head after a moment, turing back to face the older man, seeming genuinely remorseful. "I'm sorry, Albus, but I'm not hungry."

He nodded, again seeming to understand. "I'll have something sent up regardless. I'll be in my office all day until dinner. Don't hesitate to come to me should you become ready to discuss what you'd like to do next but-" and to Severus's surprise the man looked pained for just a moment before saying in the same mild voice, "should it take more time, even a great deal more time, be sure I understand-"

"No," Lily said, voice emotionless as her eyes fixated determinedly on the corner of the room. "No, this afternoon will be fine."

Dumbledore shot Severus a pointed look and with one last stiff and awkward nod in Lily's direction he followed the older man out of the room.

Severus was surprised when Lily showed up for breakfast the next morning, another seat having appeared at the faculty table, and sat down rather stiffly next to him, brand new black robes flowing around her and making her hair appear brighter than a sunrise. She nodded her acknowledgement at him but didn't speak as she sat down and surveyed the room with uncertainty, eating a scant amount before Dumbledore stood, clearing his throat loudly and the students, some of whom had been covertly pointing to Lily and whispering under their breath, were instantly silenced.

"As most of you are aware," Dumbledore said loudly, "Lillian Potter arrived here two nights ago, seeking sanctuary in the wake of Voldemort's destruction of her home and family. The eldest of you were classmates of Professor Potter's during her final years at Hogwarts-"

And while Dumbledore kept talking Severus's mind started to spin at the use of the word Professor as he wondered what specifically Dumbledore was getting at before he distinctly heard,

"Professor Potter has expressed an interest in teaching Charms, and after lengthy discussion with her and Professor Flitwick I have decided we could do well with two Charms professors- one to deal mainly with the Charming of non-living objects, the other for live Charming. Professor Potter will now be the primary teacher of the first through third years, but I urge you all to remember to treat her with the respect she deserves. Thank you," he concluded mildly before taking his seat and resuming his breakfast as though nothing had happened.

Severus looked at the girl beside him, then back at his food, took a bite, then repeated the action. She looked at him quizzically before shooting him the half-smirk that he knew so well, that almost inspired him to return one in kind until he saw that it didn't come close to reaching her eyes as she enquired lightly, "Did you want to say something, Sev?"

"My name is Severus," he said stiffly, wanting to bang his head into something even as the words left his mouth as he wondered how he had become such a glutton for punishment while she shrugged, not seeming to care.

"Yes I know, and it's also three syllables, which is one more than is acceptable to me in normal conversation," she fired back archly and he fought the impulse to smile before he said, ignoring her comment,

"I was merely surprised at your desire to teach. I never remember you-"

"Well it was either that or go back into hiding, alone this time," she shrugged, then suddenly turned to look at him, sharply. "I would think you would understand my decision."

"I do," he replied, hating that he was even replying before she frowned slightly.

"I wanted to reach DDA but Dumbledore didn't seem to think I was up to it in light of the recent-" and suddenly she seemed unable to continue, looked slightly sick, and Severus blurted before he could even consider the ramifications, just wanting her to stop looking that way-

"Than makes two of us. He denied my application for that particular position as well."

Her head snapped toward his again, her eyes searching his though he couldn't tell for what and then, unexpectedly, she smiled like she used to when they were much younger, years before she had developed her trademark smirk that preceded a well-meaning barb, this was an open smile, a friendly one-

"Well there's always next year-" but she suddenly seemed to come to her senses and the smile faded, replaced by a slightly uneasy look as she continued to pick at her food. As the dining hall began clearing out she squared her shoulders, seeming to brace herself before standing, and hardly knowing what possessed him Severus grabbed her wrist gently, trying not to be hurt when she froze as though afraid before she asked, "Yes?" almost impatiently.

"I just wanted to tell you that- I'm glad you're here, Lily," he said as quickly as he could before turning away and starting to hurry away fro her, stunned when her hand reached out and grabbed his own firmly from behind and he heard her say softly, even as he couldn't bring himself to turn to look at her,

"I'm glad you're here too, Severus," before she walked slowly from the room.

Severus walked toward Lily's doorway much later, unsure how he had even come to be in this wing of the castle and at the same time sure he could be no where else until he was sure she was alright and her first day as faculty had gone well-

And he stopped as he heard loud, gut-wrenching sobs coming from the other side of it, heard her moan her husband's name and wondered what he had been thinking as with one lingering look at her closed door he turned on his heel and walked away.