Chapter 26: Tears

Severus watched Lily as she silently glided down the hallway, and his stomach clenched uncomfortably at how she'd been acting for the past week- nearly silent, speaking only when spoken to, teaching more than competently but not becoming overly engaged with the students, spending the vast majority of her time alone-

And it hit him that, ironically, after all this time, she was acting like him, and he hated it- it was the opposite of everything she had ever stood for, always reaching out to others, proud, yes, but certain of her convictions, insanely loyal to anyone who shared them-

And his stomach clenched again as it occurred to him briefly that she hadn't been loyal to him before he felt a sharp stab of pain somewhere in the general direction of his heart and was forced to admit he'd turned on her, at least outwardly, months and months before she had told him the friendship was over- treated her horribly in public and counted on her forgiveness when things were as they'd always been in private- trusted the years of friendship, the label of 'best friend' when he should have realized that someone like her could not be pushed that far- did not deserve to be pushed that far-

"Lily!" he cried out before she was able to turn the corner and she stopped, not turning to look at him- but he didn't need to see her face to know her brow was gently wrinkled in confusion-

And he felt bewildered himself as he realized that he had stupidly called out to her with nothing to say. Not for the first time he felt almost overwhelming frustration at how she'd been treating him- for the first 72 hours, except for her admission that she was glad he was there, she had treated him with an almost open hostility, angry with the world and taking it out on him for things that had happened years ago- or at least, he had had to believe, for his own sanity, that this was what she'd been doing-

But then she'd begun treating him as she did all the other faculty members- with respect, casual kindness, and the slightest bit of deference for their greater experience- but not with warmth.

And much as it surprised him, the near indifference was a million times worse than her hostility-

"Did you want something, Severus?" she asked with perfect calm that he didn't think he would have needed to know her nearly as well as he did to realize was a façade- and he wondered briefly how close she really must be to a total nervous breakdown, knew she'd pulled herself together much too quickly after the attack on her home to have really allowed herself time to grieve-

"I was just-" he fumbled, taking a hesitant step in her direction before sighing in frustration. "I just wondered- if- I mean- I wanted to ask how you're doing."

She looked at him, face openly surprised before slipping into indifference again as she shrugged. "Not too bad. Some of the Slytherin kids were kind of mean to me-" and then she flushed, seeming to remember belatedly that she was a teacher, to whom exactly she was talking- "Sorry, I'm being stupid," she muttered. "I mean, even if I should care, which I shouldn't, that's not what you meant when you asked how I was doing. And- regarding what you meant- it's been okay." She shrugged, lower lip quivering slightly. "Nights are harder."

He looked at her, wishing he knew what to say, and after a long moment in which she seemed to be waiting for a response she just sighed, muttering, "Never mind," before she turned the corner away from him.

"I just don't get it," Lily cried out, literally wringing her hands as she paced back and forth in front of Dumbledore's desk as the older man gazed at her in what might almost have been amusement but she somehow know was more than that- underneath the placid look was sympathy, and somehow, inexplicably, keen interest in what she might say-

"And what exactly is it that you fail to understand?" he asked kindly, but with that same slightly unsettling look as she stopped her pacing and bit out,

"What he's doing. Albus, I want you to call him off. This has become ridiculous-"

"Believe me when I say, Lily, that it is not in my power to call Severus- or anyone else- 'off', as you so put it. I never-"

"Please," she snapped sarcastically, rolling her eyes before saying with absolute certainty, "You can't expect me to believe that Severus is practically stalking me through the castle of his own accord, only to ask me how I'm doing as though he actually cared and then, when I tried to tell him, stare at me like I'd just announced the weather?" And she cringed as she recalled the slight twitch of his jaw as he'd otherwise stood totally still, more stoic than he had ever been when they were students-

"I feel that, given what you've described, the word stalking may be a bit harsh," Dumbledore said mildly. "It seems to me that Severus is merely concerned for your well being, and, unaccustomed to interactions with others his own age- I might even venture the word friends, were you in a better mood-

Lily recoiled as though slapped and her face fell even further before she straightened her spine, saying with conviction, "Severus and I are NOT friends. There are times I doubt that we ever were. He doesn't care about me, and I don't- and I don't-" she tried to finish, but let the sentence trail off instead before a single tear slid down her cheek before she could stop it before she whispered, halfhearted tirade seemingly forgotten, "I'm sorry, Albus, I just- I know I've been- I know I haven't been myself but I-" and for a split second Lily feared that despite her best efforts she was going to burst into tears as another tear trickled down her cheek. "I miss James," she whispered softly, hating that she seemed to have become a walking cliché as she continued, "and I don't want to talk about it even though I know I should, because talking about it makes it seem real and-"

Dumbledore looked at her, brow furrowed slightly before he ventured mildly, "Perhaps if you'd said that to Severus the situation this afternoon would have gone differently-" and Lily was slightly confused by the thinly veiled eagerness in his voice before she said slowly, flatly,

"Severus- wouldn't understand. And that's if he even actually cared, which I can assure you, Albus, he made clear years ago that he doesn't-"

"And it never occurred to you that perhaps you should give him a chance, Lily?" Dumbledore enquired gently, but she felt like she might die of shame at the reproach clear in his voice. "People do occasionally change, as I'm certain you know, having married the man I believe you used to refer to as a- what was it again? Arrogant toe rag?"

Lily flushed hotly but felt anger threatening to come to the surface again as she snapped, "How dare you presume to lecture me about my relationship with James-"

"I wasn't aware that's what I was doing," Albus said innocently, "But if I was, please accept my apology-"

Lily looked at him in near disgust before shaking her head, just once, and storming from the room.

Snape glared down at the boys who he had cornered in the Slytherin common room before hissing darkly, "Believe me when I say that you do not wish to speak rudely to Professor Evans again. Have I made myself abundantly clear on this point?"

Two of them nodded, virtually cowering in fear but the third, spin straight, ventured craftily, "But professor- she's only a mudblood-"

And instantly regretted it as Snape took a menacing step toward him, and the boy flinched as Snape hissed, "You will NEVER utter that word in my presence again," before sweeping from the dungeon.

Snape carefully kept his gaze fixed straight ahead as Lily took her place next to him at breakfast the next morning, not anticipating that she would talk to him, especially after the debacle that was his effort to reach out to her yesterday- he really must learn not to give into his weaker impulses-

"Good morning, Severus," she said quietly, stunning him before he managed to near-sputter back,

"G-good morning, Lily."

"I apologize for my behavior," she said stiffly, somewhat relieved that he seemed determined to just continue to look straight ahead as it prevented her from feeling more awkward than necessary. "Not just yesterday, but in general. I know that- I think that- you mean well."

He was silent, not knowing what to say, but she took his silence as ambivalence and turned away, sighing as she began to pick at her food.

Much later Snape roamed the hallways of the castle, cursing what seemed to be his perpetual inability to sleep even when, given his current situation, slep was the only time he didn't need to be pretending in some way to someone-

He was lost in his thoughts as he turned the corner and therefore shocked to bump into a warm body nearly a whole head shorter than him.

"Lily," he blurted in surprise, somewhat relieved to see she looked as stunned as he felt before she ventured a small but sincere smile, causing his body to feel somehow warmer.

"What're you doing out so late, Sev," she began, adding "erus," awkwardly half a second too late and he grimaced slightly at her seeming determination to address him by his full name, especially when he knew it was of his making before he shrugged.

"Walking," he offered cryptically his own eyes narrowing slightly as he demanded, "What are you doing?"

"Following you," she retorted archly before, unexpectedly, offering a teasing wink, and despite himself he blushed, remembering what a tease she was capable of being even without meaning to be, hoping she would take it no further-

But that small bit of banter seemed to have somehow exhausted her, and suddenly her face was drawn before she leaned against the wall, sliding downward until she was sitting, legs pulled upward, and Severus wavered uncertainly, confused about what she wanted him to do- leave her in peace or sit beside her, talk or listen or hold her hand-

And almost without his mind's consent he sat down next to her, saying more sharply than he intended, "It's late."

"And it's comforting to know you can still be counted on to state the obvious," she retorted, but not unkindly, before she turned to look at him, brow furrowing as her eyes searched his for something he couldn't comprehend. After a long moment she sighed, shaking her head. "I have to tell you the truth, Sev- I have no idea what to think of you," she said with another sigh, this one almost childlike, and he felt his own brow furrowing before, with a supreme effort, he stopped it, retorting blandly,

"I don't know what you mean."

"Well, really, you have a pretty sweet deal," Lily replied slowly, not exactly critically, but without any attempt to cushion her words as her eyes met his, searching them again as she shrugged. "I mean, sure, there is the rather major disadvantage of the fact that you might be killed at literally any moment, especially if Voldemort finds out what you're doing, but I mean, this is a war. Eventually one side wins, and you're pretty set either way, at least from where I'm sitting."

"Oh Lily," he breathed, cursing the fact that his mind seemed to have turned off as he replied softly, stunned by her casual words, struck by all that she didn't understand about what he was doing, how difficult it was, how isolated he'd been and why exactly he was able to endure it before he whispered somberly, "Believe that I'm not set either way."

She frowned slightly, but he knew he well enough to realize it wasn't a sign of displeasure but of confusion as she bit her lower lip before asking slowly, "What's he like to work with?"

"Who?" Severus questioned in genuine bewilderment and she flushed bright pink, seeming to waver before she answered firmly,

"Voldemort."

Severus shuddered, though whether from the use of the name of from painful memories neither was entirely sure. "I try not to think about it," he replied definitely, and she knew that portion of the conversation was over, didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed as she said, nearly emotionlessly,

"We didn't have our wands."

Severus looked at her quizzically but didn't speak, waiting for her to continue, alarmed as silent tears started to run unbidden down her cheeks and she whispered, voice slightly choked, "He just came in without any warning and we didn't have our wands. I was so stupid, I should have run for mine, or called for it, you know, a simple Accio, I could do a wandless Accio when I was 13 but-" and Severus felt his stomach fall, knew suddenly that he didn't want her to continue even as he fully realized she was going to and she as she took a deep breath he could feel rather than see her shaking.

"I keep going over and over it in my head and I couldn't have saved James. It was just- it was just too quick, it was impossible to save James. But I- I should have been able to save my son. He was just a baby. Oh god," she choked, and Severus shifted uncomfortably as she started to sob in earnest, wishing he had any idea what to do, "I just- I just- he was my baby, it was my responsibility to protect him. I never- I trusted- I mean, he was our secret keeper, he was our best friend, how could I have thought- I- I trusted-"

And as she let out an anguished cry Severus awkwardly put an arm around her, stunned when she leaned toward him instead of away, and he realized suddenly that this was the first time in years that had happened- and that the last time it had she was also involved-

"I would tell you to trust no one," he said softly as her sobs began to subside even as she didn't seem to be able to stop shaking, "but that wouldn't help. We all do, and we can only have faith and hope that our trust will be rewarded. But we- we have all chosen wrongly at least once. It's not a mark of weakness, but rather of strength- that after such a thing happens we can still go on to trust again-"

"And what if we can't?" she asked blankly, and he frowned slightly, hating how formal and stuffy he suspected he had just sounded before saying simply,

"Lily, you already have."