Chapter 28: Understanding

"So then," Lily continued, and Albus flinched slightly as her voice rose in volume, "He actually says to me, 'Lily, you were always more gifted in potions than I'" she mimicked, lowering her voice into a dead-on impression of Severus and Dumbledore halfheartedly attempted to stifle a smile before he forced himself to say somberly,

"I can understand how that would be very trying," with the slightest twinkle in his eye, a twinkle which served to further enrage her as she sputtered,

"You- you're COMPLETELY missing the point! He was- he was making it into a competition, just like he always did, and then-"

"Did he always?" Albus enquired mildly, but at her look of indignation merely sighed. "And am I to infer from this outburst, then, that he didn't allow you to participate in his lecture about Veritaserum-"

And to his surprise Lily looked slightly guilty, face growing pinker as she admitted softly, "No, he did."

Albus nodded slightly, as though this was what he had expected all along, and for a split second Lily suspected that he had planned for this all to happen- that he had told her about the day's potions lesson KNOWING this would be the ultimate conclusion-

"Well then," Albus continued gently before she could fully explore the notion, "I'm afraid I don't quite understand-"

And to her surprise Lily felt a tear trickle down her cheek, anger suddenly gone as she continued, much more softly, "That's just it, Albus, there WASN'T a problem. The class went really well… they're obviously scared to death of him but," and she bit back a sharp and unexpected giggle before she finished with a shrug, "so am I half the time-"

"Are you, Lily?" Albus enquired softly, pressing his fingers together lightly as he regarded her with an intensity she couldn't understand before she replied slowly,

"I'm not. But I don't trust him. I don't- I can't understand how certain you seem that he's on our side. I really- I just don't know." She frowned slightly before she said with a self-deprecating shrug, "And I suppose I'm very, very used to thinking that I know, even when I don't." Her eyes filled with tears as she lifted them to meet his. "I guess I've been pretty stupid, though, really. And I don't want to be wrong again. If I- If I hadn't been wrong than maybe James- maybe Harry-"

"These things are pointless to think of, though I know that won't stop your thinking," Albus replied, genuine tenderness in his expression before he shrugged himself, admitting softly, "There are times recently when I too doubt the true extent of Severus's loyalty. I can hardly fault you, then, for feeling the same."

"But?" Lily enquired after a pause, something resembling hope in her voice, though for what exactly neither was sure.

"I'm not certain there is a 'but', Lily," the older man replied honestly before smiling almost playfully at her. "But I am certain of one thing- Severus is on YOUR side. It is imperative that you use your influence to-"

"My influence?" Lily scoffed disbelievingly before letting out a bitter laugh. "Albus, what part of this do you NOT understand? I have no influence! Just when I thought I might be getting somewhere with him- just when I was about to actually open up to him again he went running out of there like I'd stabbed him, simpering off to Voldemort and his-"

"Need I remind you, Lillian, that every time Severus leaves this castle he risks his life?" Dumbledore enquired mildly, but reproach was clear in his voice and Lily flushed once more.

"No," she replied, casting her eyes downward, and Albus sighed slightly before offering,

"To the… unbiased… eye, it might appear that the reason you're so upset is that you believe Severus has scorned your attempts at friendship, but you must believe me when I say, Lily, that there is nothing he more desires-"

"No- he- he made it clear there is no hope," she insisted weakly, uncertain as Albus merely shook his head.

"Well then, Lily, much as I realize that this is a large thing to ask of you at such a trying time in your life- perhaps it's time that you gave him some."

"Crucio," Voldemort said with casual cruelty and Severus felt the Wizard's attempts to probe his mind even as he lay writhing on the floor, experiencing pain greater than he would have imagined existed for the third time that night-

Lily's face popped unbidden to his mind and he fought to suppress it, knowing he must not let Voldemort see what he was thinking-

And then suddenly Voldemort stopped the curse before turning toward the darkly gorgeous woman at his side. As though from very far away Severus heard him say, "It seems you were wrong, Bellatrix. There is undoubtedly a traitor in our midst but it isn't Severus."

"But- I was so sure-" Severus heard her hiss. "Are you- I would never question my Lord's judgment but- are you certain?"

"Yes," Voldemort barked definitively, clearly bored with the whole situation as he turned away. "Even in the height of torture he thinks only of that mudblood bitch he begged me to spare. Hardly noble, but not the thoughts of an informant against me. Might I suggest that you direct your zealous efforts to bring me the traitor elsewhere, Bellatrix, and not waste any more of my valuable time with pointless inquiries." He turned lazily back to where Severus still lay gasping on the floor, saying with almost unnatural calm, "Severus, that will be all. You have my permission to return to Hogwarts and continue your efforts there."

"My lord is- gracious-" Severus choked out as he tried to stagger to his feet and managed instead to drag himself to the fireplace where he could use the floo network to take himself back to the Hogwarts dungeons.

Severus felt himself fall hard onto the dungeon floor and briefly debated with himself over the pros and cons of not making the effort to move, just laying there until his first class came in and pretending he'd accidentally blown up a cauldron-

"Severus?" he heard a small voice ask from somewhere above him and closed his eyes tightly, willing himself to stop hallucinating even if it was a common side effect of the Cruciatus Curse-

But then he heard it again, much louder and much more frantic as footsteps rushed toward him. "Severus? Oh my GOD Severus, say something!"

"Lily?" he questioned, forcing his eyes open and feeling more than seeing her kneel next to him, surprised as she asked urgently, voice shaking,

"Who did this to you?"

As a long moment went by in silence she placed a gentle hand on his back and at the contact he flinched, forcing himself to stand and leaning heavily on the nearest table for support as he said far more weakly than he meant to, "That is none of your concern," attempting to sound cold and knowing that despite his best efforts he only sounded weak- that weakness was not something he could afford to show her-

"The hell it's not," she snapped in something resembling fury before wringing her hands, gasping as he swayed slightly before she demanded, "What are you doing? Have you totally lost it? For god's sakes Sev, sit down!"

"I assure you. I. Am. Fine." he bit out with difficulty, only to feel her pushing him down onto a stool with strength he wouldn't have guessed she possessed. He experienced a feeling of sharp and inexplicable defiance before attempting to stand again, instantly thwarted by her shoving him sharply downward once more as she snapped, with what he knew her well enough to know was concern and fear that she was trying- only half successfully- to channel into anger-

"Are you insane? What are you trying to do?"

"In case you haven't noticed, Lily," Severus attempted to hiss, knowing from the concern that she couldn't hide on her face that he was failing miserably, "It's well after midnight, which I believe is commonly regarded as an appropriate bedtime-"

"You seem to think there's a lot I don't notice," she said snapped back before her brow furrowed anxiously and she repeated, with far less urgency and yet far more determination than before, "Who did this to you?"

And she let out an exasperated sigh as, despite his weakened state, Severus managed to give her a withering glance that spoke louder than words.

"Fine then" she retorted sharply after a moment, eyes flashing, though with what exactly Severus wasn't sure. "At least tell me WHAT they did to you."

"To what end?" he enquired, a trace of suspicion in his voice, and was taken aback when she fired back angrily,

"So that I can do something about it, you idiot! It may have slipped your mind given your severely weakened state, but I AM a witch. I don't suppose it occurred to you that maybe I could help you-"

"I can help myself," he retorted flatly, dragging himself to his feet, more surprised than he should have been when those emerald eyes flashed again and she shoved him roughly back into a sitting position, saying in a slightly sarcastic voice that allowed no room for argument,

"Of course you can, but LUCKILY ENOUGH, I'm here, making that unnecessary. Now either you can tell me what they did to you or you can sit here while I shove random healing potions down your throat, I don't really care, but you are MISTAKEN if you think I am leaving you here like this."

Their eyes warred for a long moment before he sighed, unable to deny the truth of her words. "Cruciatus," he said simply, not elaborating, and her brow furrowed briefly in confusion before comprehension dawned and she asked in a small, incredulous voice,

"They crucioed you? How many times?"

He shrugged, not allowing himself to show her any emotion, any weakness- "Three. Perhaps Four-"

"Okay," she said in an almost detached way that he knew, instinctively, was the calm before the storm. "I- you just rest for a minute, I'll be right there."

He watched her with some doubt as she quickly threw ingredients seemingly indiscriminately into a cauldron before handing him a general healing potion that he had made some weeks ago, saying simply, "This will help in the meantime."

An impossibly short while later Lily was handing him another draught, and despite himself his nose wrinkled at the putrid odor.

"Drink it," she said roughly as he hesitated, and taking a deep breath he did so, surprised when it tasted like strawberries, even more astounded when he felt instantaneously better.

"Good," she said shortly with a nod before turning away from him, and for a moment Severus was sure she was going to leave him in peace, felt simultaneous relief and anguish at the thought-

But then, without any warning whatsoever she was turning back toward him, and he was overwhelmed by the dozens of conflicting emotions flashing across her face as she questioned near-hysterically, "Why did you just let him- Voldemort-" she spat as though he might need clarification about who she was talking about- "do this to you?" and Severus fought to make sense of her rapidly shifting emotions as he tried unsuccessfully to formulate a sufficient answer-.

"I had little choice," he finally retorted emotionlessly, and for a single moment her whole body seemed to deflate before her eyes flashed and she slapped him hard across the face, crying out,

"Why don't you understand? I can't lose anyone else! How dare you let him Crucio you nearly to death? How dare you sit here now like you don't even care? I just- Severus, I can't lose anyone else!"

And to his horror she was suddenly crying, causing his stomach to clench uncomfortably as he wondered what to do- and without realizing he was going to say it he muttered coldly,

"I doubt that I would be a great loss to anyone."

She flinched at the words, but to his relief her tears halted as she gazed at him disbelievingly before sputtering indignantly, "How can you say that to me? My god, Severus, are you really that stupid? There wasn't a single day that I didn't think about you. Just because- just because- I mean-" she flushed, visibly struggling with herself for a long moment though exactly why Severus wasn't sure before she continued softly, voice suddenly sad,

"Do you have any idea how much I cried that day- both after when you called me- what you called me- and then- and then after, when I sent you away? Do you have any idea how much I cried when I was addressing invitations to my wedding and I couldn't address one to you? How much I cried to James that night? You were my best friend. And James said- he told me-"

And to Severus's horror silent tears trickled down her cheeks and she seemed unable to continue for a long moment before drawing herself up to her full height and saying almost scornfully,

"Maybe 8 years of friendship didn't mean anything to you, but they meant something to me. YOU mean something to me. And I might not mean anything to you but I- I cannot lose anyone else Sev- and that includes you. Don't you EVER say to me that it doesn't. I KNOW that it does."

For several long, slightly tense moments Severus looked at her in silence and she finally sighed in something resembling frustration, turning away as she swatted at the air with one hand as though she were shooing a fly away before saying softly, "Figures," though what exactly was supposed to 'figure' Severus was unsure-

And then she was walking from the room, head cast slightly downward, and Severus suddenly knew that, regardless of the consequences, he couldn't just let her leave like that-

"It meant something to me too," he said softly, and for a long moment he feared he had spoken too softly, that she hadn't heard him-

But she stopped dead in her tracks, her whole body trembling with emotions that he couldn't identify before she turned around and searched his eyes for a long, long moment before saying softly, "Sev, I talked to Albus for a long time tonight-"

"As seems to be a recent theme in your life," he retorted with a slightly sarcastic arch of an eyebrow and she frowned slightly before shrugging.

"So what if it is? Who else do I have to talk to?" she inquired softly, almost imploringly, and he felt something resembling shame at his words but was at a loss for how to express it, and after a moment she just sighed before continuing,

"I went for a walk after I talked to him and I was trying to figure out why- why certain things upset me as much as they did- and the thing is- all these years it's been about moral principle to me." She paused to shrug uncertainly before adding softly, "Maybe it still should be, I don't know. I don't agree with the way you think, I probably never will. I don't agree with your decisions, I probably never will. I really- I'm not sure I can ever forgive you for some of the things you said to me. But it's two am, we're in the middle of a war, in case you haven't noticed it's a pretty sure bet we're all going to be dead by the end of the year, my husband and my son are dead already, and regardless of principles or the moral high ground all it really comes down to is I miss my friend. I've missed my friend ever since I told him we needed to go our separate ways, what, seven years ago now? And that's what I've been waiting down here to tell you." She flushed slightly before saying rapidly, "I know you're mad at me, I'm mad at you too, but-"

"I'm not mad at you," he said so softly he wasn't sure she would hear him, but as he risked a glance at her face out of the corner of his eye he knew there could be no doubt that she had-

"Yeah," she said after an excruciatingly long moment, voice breaking on what might have been a sob. "The truth is I'm not mad at you either." She shook her head, looking aghast before saying, "So I guess the real question is why do we keep doing this to each other."

He met her eyes, shaking his head briefly before admitting in a choked voice. "I don't know."

"I want my friend back," she continued softly, and his heart twisted at how painfully young she sounded, suddenly, as she asked something that would have sounded ridiculous, almost pathetic under normal circumstances- "Can I have my friend back?"

"I- don't think it can ever be the same as it was," he retorted heavily after a long moment, "but- I want you to know that you never lost him, Lily."

He felt helpless and useless as a single tear trickled down her face, but somehow she smiled widely at him before near-whispering, "Thank you."

She stepped forward and for one agonizing and beautiful moment Severus thought she was going to hug him-

But suddenly she stepped back, smile fading slightly before she nodded warmly, just once, and turned toward the door.

"Good night, Severus."

"Good Night Lily."