Chapter 29: Howler

Lily breezed into the dining hall, as always precisely eight minutes late, and shot Severus a warm smile that he hesitantly returned.

"How are you feeling?" she questioned as she sat, her eyes were unable to hide her concern as he answered firmly,

"Better, thank you."

She nodded, opening her mouth as though she wanted to say something else before closing it and flushing slightly, offering a small but sincere, "I'm glad."

Severus looked quickly away from her, trying to escape from the millions of conflicting thoughts that she continually caused to run through his head-

And frowned slightly as he noted Dumbledore watching he and Lily intently, as though a great deal might depend upon their interaction-

"I know," Lily whispered as though she could read his thoughts, and, although she was looking straight ahead, Severus had no doubt that she was completely aware of Dumbledore's gaze- "It's sort of unnerving how he keeps looking at us like we're his two prize racehorses or something, isn't it?"

Severus struggled to determine how best to answer her before deciding to ask what he really wanted to know, what, despite his best efforts, he couldn't quite place his finger on-

"Why do you think he's doing it?"

She turned to face him before shrugging uncertainly. " Haven't quite figured it out yet, but I think it's probably due to some half-formed, crazy scheme in his mind about how you and I are going to, like, defeat Voldemort together or something, I don't know. I'm pretty sure he intends for us to work together somehow but I just can't figure out-"

"How that would be possible," he finished for her, and her brow furrowed slightly as she lowered her voice further, leaning slightly toward him.

"Truthfully, Sev, he keeps telling me stuff that- that doesn't make any sense about how you- I mean, about how you-" she flushed slightly and he frowned, wondering what Albus might be revealing… before two letters suddenly dropped in front of Lily, one steaming angrily, and the majority of the faculty covered their ears just before Remus Lupin's normally placid voice exploded into the room.

"LILLIAN ISABELLA EVANS POTTER" the missive boomed, "JUST GOOD OLD DEPENDABLE REMUS HERE. PERHAPS YOU REMEMBER ME? YOUR HUSBAND'S BEST FRIEND AND ONE OF YOURS AS WELL; FORMER SCHOOL AND HOUSEMATE; SOMETIMES KNOWN AS MOONY? I REALIZE THAT YOU'VE BEEN VERY BUSY AND IMPORTANT RUNNING FROM THE DARK LORD AND, EVIDENTLY, TEACHING TRANSFIGURATION, AND FAR BE IT FROM ME TO MAKE LIGHT OF THE CURRENT TRAGIC CIRCUMSTANCES OR PRESUME TOO MUCH. HOWEVER," the Howler continued to bellow angrily, " ONE MIGHT HAVE HOPED THAT IT WOLD HAVE OCCURRED TO YOU THAT YOU HAVE FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES OUTSIDE HOGWARTS WHO HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR ALMOST TWO WEEKS FOR WORD FROM YOU CONFIRMING THAT YOU ARE AT LEAST ALIVE AND SAFE, AND HOPEFULLY IN AS GOOD OF SPIRITS AS CIRCUMSTANCE ALLOW. WERE IT NOT FOR DUMBLEDORE WE WOULD HAVE NO IDEA THAT YOU WEREN'T DEAD. I AM AWARE THAT OTHER THINGS ARE ON YOUR MIND BUT KINDLY HAVE THE DECENCY TO WRITE TO ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I WOULD COME TO HOGWARTS MYSELF IF MY CURRENT DUTIES ALLOWED FOR IT."

Lily blinked furiously as the Howler burst into flames and she reached quickly for the letter, also from Remus, opening it with shaking fingers and frowning slightly as several dozen inches of very, very small handwriting were exposed.

"Excuse me, I'd like to read this in private," she said tonelessly, not waiting for any response as she got up and glided as though in shock from the room.

Severus blinked in confusion hours later as he heard a rather loud knock on the door of his chambers in the dungeon, wondering who could possibly be seeking him out after midnight-

With slight apprehension he threw a robe over his head before shutting the door to his bedroom and stepping into the small living room, preparing himself for the worst as he swung open the door-

And saw only a very agitated looking Lily, her arm raised as though she were about to bang on the entrance again. His first instinct was concern, but she seemed physically fine, and unable to think of another reason why she might be seeking him out he blurted awkwardly,

"Uh- hello. Is there something Albus requires of me or-"

"Albus?" she asked blankly, and as her eyes met his for the first time he realized suddenly how upset she really was- that she'd been crying-

"Are you- can I be of assistance to you in any way?" he asked stiffly, clenching his fists at his sides as he fought a ridiculous and unacceptable to reach out a hand to her, hating how unsure he felt-

"I- I mean, I don't know," she said, pacing on the stair leading up to his rooms and shaking her head as though realizing the ridiculousness of the situation before asking simply, "Can't I come in?"

"I- am not used to having guests-" he began reluctantly, feeling as though he should bang his head against something as her face fell and he hurriedly stepped aside, hoping this would remedy the situation-

She looked at him almost mistrustfully before entering, and he felt shame at how sparsely decorated, downright ugly the room must seem to her-

But to his surprise she brightened, looking at the room with something resembling awe.

"My god, Sev, did you make all these potions yourself?" she enquired, seeming to have forgotten whatever was bothering her as she took a step toward the large shelves covering one entire wall, tentatively grabbing a bottle at random, eyebrows lifting as she said uncertainly, "I've never heard of this one-"

"That's because I invented it," he replied shortly before grabbing it out of her hand and replacing it on the shelf, ignoring or not seeing the perplexed expression that flickered across her face at his unwillingness to take more credit for his work- "but that's not why you're here."

"No," she said, the slightly impressed look on her face being replaced by one of unhappiness as she turned toward him. "It's not why I'm here."

After a pause that even he found awkward Severus sighed, making what he hoped was an encouraging motion with his hand. "And you are here because…"

She frowned slightly, shaking her head, before she abruptly burst out, "It just doesn't make any SENSE, Sev," beginning to pace back and forth once more, more agitated than he could ever remember seeing her.

"Er- no," he agreed uncertainly, hoping she would elaborate and rewarded when a moment later she ran a hand through her hair, confessing quickly,

"Honestly Sev I didn't teach any of my classes today. I just sat by a window and read Remus's letter over and over again-"

"And it didn't make sense?" he provided when she halted again, expelling a frustrated breath as she shook her head.

"No; no, the letter was fine- better than fine, really- I didn't even realize how much I wanted to know what was going on-" she hesitated briefly before finishing lamely, "outside-"

He sighed heavily at her obvious indecision, saying softly, "You're mistaken if you think I expect you to tell me what he said Lily-"

"But I am going to tell you part of it, though," she fired back quickly, sounding slightly nervous. "And I just- I don't want you to think I'm crazy."

"I won't," he said flatly, feeling an unexpected pang of hurt when she looked unconvinced before she said, biting her lip,

"I really couldn't take it if you thought I was crazy Sev. You're the only person here other than Albus who doesn't look at me like you're scared I'm about to lose it about half the time- even I think I'm about to lose it about half the time-"

"Lily," he interrupted her shortly, gesturing toward the couch, "I assure you. Questioning your sanity had never crossed my mind. Would you- would you like to sit?"

She shook her head, trembling slightly, though whether from cold or fear or frustration he wasn't certain- and he hated that he had no idea what to do-

"I just- I just keep thinking about it, over and over. I was fixated for so long on why I- why I couldn't stop him from killing James and Harry that I completely forgot to think about why he didn't kill me. And it just- Remus pointed it out to me, and he's right- it just doesn't make any sense. Why would he kill James and leave me? It completely goes against everything he believes in and has ever done in the past. I mean," she continued near-desperately, suddenly taking a step toward him and grabbing onto his forearm so tightly it nearly hurt him, "I was the mudblood in the house, Sev. He should have just killed me, not told me to stand aside. If anything he should have said that to James, and then tried to convince James to join him. Obviously- I mean, obviously he thought he had to kill Harry, but… why spare me?"

Severus swallowed hard against an unexpected lump in his throat, averting his gaze as her fingernails dug into his arm. "I- don't know," he choked out, as she threw her hands up in frustration, letting out a cry of frustration.

"Me either, Sev. It's not possible that he's going to try to recruit me, and it's not possible that my life was valuable to him for it's own sake so- why? Remus seems to think the only explanation is that I'm in terrible danger, since he- Voldemort, I mean- wants something from me that he couldn't get then but will be trying to get as soon as possible now, after which he'll probably kill me too- maybe- maybe information about the Order, but why wouldn't he just try to get that from someone else? Plenty of people know as much as I do- more, now that I've been here for two weeks- I just- I just know I'm missing something, but what?"

She looked up at his face for he first time since she started talking, and her brow furrowed at the inexplicably tortured look she saw there-

"What?" she asked quickly, scrutinizing his face closely. "You- my God, Sev, what are you thinking? Do you- do you think I should be scared? Do you think Remus is right? Do you think I'm crazy after all?"

And at his continued silence she grabbed his arm frantically again, all but imploring, "My God, Sev, PLEASE say something-"

"I don't think you're crazy," he choked out dully, hoping she couldn't sense the guilt that was overpowering him as he slowly continued, "But I think you'll feel better once you've slept-"

"But- Sev!" she exclaimed in something resembling alarm as he turned away from her, feeling as though his emotions would crush him, wishing he could just be honest with her and knowing that must never, never happen- that she would hate him if she knew- even suspected- "You know Voldemort better than anyone that I know and- I mean- I know you'll tell me the truth, why would he do this? Do you- do you have any idea-"

"I'm sorry," he said tonelessly, clenching his fists uselessly at his sides for the second time in under an hour even as he couldn't bring himself to look at her. "I don't."

Time stood still as he felt her gaze boring into his back before she let out a sigh, saying softly, "Well, could you please keep thinking about it? Because I am determined to figure it out, Sev. I have to figure it out. He's not going to surprise me again. I'm going to be ready- I WILL figure it out," she repeated, determination in her voice before he choked out

"I- will give it thought."

"Thank you," she whispered before he heard her slip from the room.

Severus felt slight apprehension when Lily failed to appear at breakfast the following morning and he stalked out of the dining hall twenty minutes before his first class was scheduled to start, hoping to assure himself that she was alright. He knocked on the door to her chambers without success and decided to take a longer path than was strictly necessary to reach the dungeons, hoping against hope that he might run into her-

And rewarded as he passed the room where her classes were held and saw her talking softly to a pair of extremely animated first years-

As though she could sense his gaze her eyes flashed toward the doorway as he jumped backwards and into the shadows, quickly striding toward the dungeon without a backward glance, unaware that she continued to look at the doorway with a puzzled, slightly disappointed expression on her face for several seconds after he had gone.

Severus looked up as a small rap sounded on the door to the potions classroom minutes after he had dismissed his final class for the day, somehow not as surprised as he felt he should be to see Lily standing there, a hurt and slightly angry look on her face.

"Why'd you run away earlier for?" she blurted without preamble, and despite himself he flushed, feigning a sudden, desperate interest in alphabetizing potions as he muttered unconvincingly,

"I'm sure I have no idea what-'

"Don't you, Sev?" she questioned a bit sharply and he felt a brief flash of discomfort even as he remained silent. "Honestly," she continued in something resembling disgust as it became apparent he wasn't going to reply, "if you insist on obeying Albus's orders to keep track of me I don't suppose I can stop you, but at least have the decency to say hello to me when you're peeking into my classroom instead of pretending that you weren't even there-"

"Albus hasn't ordered me-" he blurted without thinking, flinching as the statement caused her to roll her eyes in exasperation.

"So you're telling me that you're stalking me of your own accord?" she demanded incredulously, shaking her head. "That's ridiculous. If you want to see me come and see me but this whole creeping around in dark corners thing stops now, are we clear?"

"Clear," he responded softly after an excruciating moment, surprised when she let out a warm smile at the single word, sliding onto a stool.

"Good then,' the chirped casually, before looking around the room and enquiring mildly, "So- what're you up to?"

"I-" he began slowly, almost unable to comprehend how simple she always made things, the ease with which she forgave- "I'm just tidying up, as evidently my students can't be bothered to do so for themselves."

And to his surprise Lily let out a warm laugh. "Oh, really Sev, on a day like today? Who can blame them for wanting to rush outside? I can't remember the last time it was this warm in November-"

"Nor can I," he admitted after a moment before scrutinizing her closely, saying keenly, "So tell me, then, Lily, why aren't you outside?"

"Why aren't you?" she fired back at once, but the smile on her face didn't reach her eyes and he sharply regretted whatever impulse had prompted him to ask the question in the first place as her eyes were suddenly haunted- and all at once he knew why she wasn't outside, that she was trying without success to escape inside herself- that almost everything about the castle must remind her of James, of what she'd lost- just as it had served as a constant reminder of her for him in the long months before she arrived- that it must be putting a constant strain on her to not just collapse on the floor- and that much as he might wish to deny it she must be thinking of her husband, of her son, at nearly every moment-

And just as Lily shot him a half-hearted smile, breaking his chain of thought, Dumbledore burst loudly through the door.

"Severus we must go at once," he all but commanded, taking little notice of Lily before she ventured an uncertain,

"Albus? What's happening?"

"The Order has finally caught up with Sirius Black and stand ready to capture him," Dumbledore barked quickly. "There's no time to waste. Severus, it's imperative that you come with me- I have reason to suspect that Voldemort is on his way with several of his Death Eaters and-"

As if on cue Severus felt the familiar burning on his arm, summoning him, at the same instant that Lily laughed incredulously before asking in real confusion,

"What are you talking about?" as Dumbledore looked impatient and Severus rapidly grabbed his wand. "Why on Earth would anyone want to capture Sirius?"

And to Severus's alarm, Dumbledore, who had always seemed so confident, was gazing at Lily with what could only be described as total uncertainty.

"Lillian, I certainly realize this has been a trying time for you," he said gently, hesitating, "but it was Sirius who revealed your family's location to Voldemort and allowed him to-"

Lily's baffled expression cleared instantly, which came as a relief to Severus before a wild desperation came over her face instead and she sputtered, "But- but no- Albus, it was Peter Pettigrew. I- it didn't occur to me to mention it because I- I sort of assumed that in the aftermath it was one of those things everyone found out. I- I had no idea they were searching for Sirius, Remus didn't say- I mean- Sirius hasn't even occurred to me, my mind has been- has been-"

"Are you certain?" Dumbledore enquired shortly, a sort of desperation in his own voice and Lily let out a short, almost hysterical laugh.

"Certain? For God's sakes, Albus, I was there in the room as James whispered the location in his ear. I bought him a drink afterwards. Of COURSE I'm certain."

"Severus we must go immediately," Dumbledore said brusquely, all but ignoring Lily before suddenly turning back to her. "I must ask your forgiveness, child- in my misguided efforts to protect you it seems there are things I've neglected to say to you that I should have mentioned weeks ago-"

"Do NOT call me child!" Lily snapped, voice shaking, and Severus was stunned by the fact that, with all that had just been revealed, that one word was what she would choose to focus on-

But Albus seemed unsurprised as he requested mildly, "Forgive me," shooting her a sincerely apologetic look even as sailed out the door, closely followed by Severus and- Lily. Dumbledore's brow furrowed slightly as he realized she was following, and he turned back toward her again, saying in a tone that was gentle but allowed for no argument, "You are to stay here, Lillian."

"No," she replied, eyes flashing dangerously as she drew her wand, and Severus took a small step backward, suddenly afraid that she might begin a duel right there with the older man- "Sirius is in trouble, and I'm the only person alive who can clear his name." There was a small pause during which her and Albus's eyes seemed to war with one another before she positively, thundered, "I am an AUROR,' with vehemence Severus had lost hope of ever seeing from her again-"You're both MAD if you think I'm going to just stay here and-"

And Severus was shocked as Dumbledore said clearly, "Petrify," leaving Lily frozen in mid-sentence. He wavered for a moment, but only for a moment, as Albus said firmly, "Severus, we must go. She will understand later that it was for her own protection," and with one last uncertain and guilty look at Lily Severus followed him.