Chapter 32: Shudder

For a moment Sirius looked confused, and then he burst out laughing, sputtering glibly, "Yeah, Lil, I can see how you'd be irresistibly drawn to him by his- by his dashing good looks," before shaking his head with something resembling respect on his features. "Honestly, James always said you had more Marauder in you than I realized but this- for a minute you really had me going-"

"I'm not joking, Sirius," Lily said flatly, fighting not to choke on the words as she moved defiantly closer to Severus, whose hand was really much warmer than she had expected it to be, before continuing cuttingly, "Some of us actually realize that in looking for potential life partners there's more to consider than how badly you want to sleep with someone, but thanks all the same for your consistently stellar romantic advice."

Sirius's smile faded as he looked between her, Severus, and Dumbledore with suspicion, before sputtering, much differently this time, "Potential life- Lily, what the hell are you talking about?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" she fired back instinctually, doing her best to sound angry instead of just confused about what point she was hoping to make.

"What the hell do you mean, what the hell am I-" Sirius began before pacing the length of the room, seeming to decide that this line of conversation was getting them nowhere before he sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I think it's fairly obvious what I'm talking about," he finally hissed. "James died less than 3 weeks ago and you expect to just stand there and tell me you're dating- and not just dating, but dating Snivellus- and that I'll be CALM about it? I must repeat: what the hell are you thinking?"

Lily gulped slightly, but didn't answer him, automatically grasping Severus's hand tighter in an unsuccessful effort to block out Sirius's words. After a long moment, evidently realizing that Lily was neither joking nor intending to offer further details Sirius's face fell and for a second she feared that the ever-optimistic prankster was going to burst into tears as he demanded loudly, less eloquent than she had ever heard him,

"How can you do this to James? James really loved you! Do you even care that this would devastate him? Did you even care about him at all or where you just after his money? If you- if you had died James would never have dated anyone ever again," he declared melodramatically, voice catching on his best friends name, and Lily shook her head in something that might almost have been disbelief, thinking that if there was one thing she could never have faulted Sirius on, it was his blind loyalty to his friends- "He- he would have died still loving you," Sirius continued, looking truly miserable. "There would never have been another girl for him-"

"Sirius," Lily interrupted him softly, taking a small step forward and extracting her hand from Severus's, either not noticing or not caring about his exhalation of a breath he seemed to have been holding as she did so, "Contrary to what you seem to think I did love James, but there's no use kidding ourselves now that he's dead. James would have found someone else, and he would have fallen just as passionately in love with her, because that was how James was. And I loved him for that. And I believe he would have understood-"

"Well I don't understand," Sirius said, whole body shaking as he shook his head desperately before blurting, "I will owl Remus- he will come-"

"Come and do what?" Albus suddenly interjected, sounding tired. "I think if you were able to see past your own pain at James's death, Sirius, you would realize the truth of Lily's words- he would have wanted her to be happy, and he himself would have, after a time, searched for happiness-"

"Happiness?" Sirius echoed, looking nearly hysterical before repeating, sounding almost like a child, "Remus will come-"

"I somewhat doubt that," Albus said softly.

"Then you don't understand friendship," Sirius bit out before storming from the room.

The second the door slammed Lily's face seemed to collapse into itself before she asked bleakly, "What now?"

"I would imagine you will want to rest before dinner," Albus said with infuriating calm, nodding as he stepped from the room, leaving Lily to look uncomfortably at Severus for an endless moment. He was still deliberately avoiding her eyes and she bit back the impulse to scream at him to stop it before, instead, taking a tentative step toward him.

"Albus explained it all to me, I think," she said slowly, nervously biting down on her lower lip, relieved as he ventured a stoic,

"That was clear," though she was unable to deduce from his tone of voice whether he was being sarcastic or not.

Her brow furrowed slightly before she spat out, "Fine, don't make this easy," before regret passed swiftly and unmistakably over her face and she continued, much more gently, "I didn't sleep at all last night Sever- Sev. I just kept thinking about- about everything that's gone on, and I don't want to fight with you anymore. I am angry, but it's at the world more than at you. No matter how I think about it, life's not a guarantee, it's a luxury, and I'm wasting it being angry with people when- when it's easier to just try to be forgiv- well, anyway," she amended slowly, regretfully, "Understanding. This- this has not been me. So- I'm going to try to understand. And you're going to try not to do anything else reprehensible. And we're going to try to work together." Her brow furrowed slightly before she smirked. "And I'm going to try in the future not to sound quite so much like my mother. If that's all okay."

"Better than if you started sounding like your sister," he said in the same dry tone she'd grown to hate so much, but as his eyes flashed upward to meet hers they were filled with a teasing light, and somewhere underneath yearning that she didn't understand. As the words sank in Lily found herself laughing and he ventured a smile before quickly lowering his eyes once more, causing her giggles to come to an abrupt end as she queried,

"Well, I have to agree with you there, but- I mean, is it okay?"

"I- yes-" he sputtered, sounding agonized for reasons she couldn't understand before continuing somberly, "I mean- I hadn't hoped-"

"Well, Sev, the thing is," she said slowly, leaning toward him almost conspiratorially and waiting until he dared a glance at her eyes, though she couldn't for the life of her pinpoint where his hesitation was coming from, "Despite what Albus seems to want us to believe and how I'm sure we both feel most of the time, we're only 21. I don't think hope is quite as dead as you think it is."

And before he could analyze the countless things she might have meant she shot him a teasing wink, casing him to ardently wish that she would stop doing that and that he could hold the image of her doing it in his head forever at once as she shot him a tentative smile and retreated into her bedroom, scarlet hair trailing behind her.

Lily forced herself to smile at Severus later that evening, hoping that she wasn't overdoing it, particularly as it wasn't like he was providing anything in the way of conversation that she might actually be able to smile about before she rolled her eyes, hoping no one had seen even as she hissed, ridiculous smile still fixed on her face,

"This would all probably be more convincing if people actually saw us talking to each other," before taking a defiant bite of dessert.

"How are they to know that you don't go for the strong, silent type?" he hissed back after a moment, and despite herself Lily felt her lips twitch upwards in the beginnings of a genuine smile at the statement as she arched an eyebrow.

"Actually I do," she purred, rewarded when he choked slightly on whatever he had been chewing before turning to glare at her.

"That isn't funny," he hissed even as she seemed to be fighting a losing battle not to laugh.

"Don't worry, Sev, I'll try to keep my undying attraction under control," she whispered teasingly and he hated that he couldn't tell whether she was joking or trying to be spiteful as she took another bite of tiramisu.

However, as he continued to contemplate he decided she was just trying to make the best of what must be, for her, a ghastly situation- that she would have no reason to suspect his feelings for her- might even believe she truly did disgust him- and he found himself unexpectedly smirking before arching a cool eyebrow.

"Likewise."

Her eyes widened in surprise for a moment before she found herself shooting him a smirk. "Glad to see that, despite evidence to the contrary, your sense of humor is still somewhat intact," she bantered, and again he was unsure as to the extent to which she was joking- confused by her seeming lack of animosity that couldn't be fully explained by the fact that they were in public- before Remus Lupin burst unceremoniously through the doors to the dining hall and Lily's went very, very still.

"Mooney!" Sirius cried in something between devastation and triumph, rising from where he had been seated at the Gryffindor table and all but leaping on Lupin, and Severus tensed as he realized there was almost assuredly going to be a scene before he began to quickly evaluate how he might be able to use that to his advantage-

But to his relief Lupin seemed far calmer than Black, and even before Sirius finished embracing him had held a hand up in something resembling sternness, saying softly, "Let's do try to be calm, Padfoot-"

"She- she hated James, she was only in it for the money," Sirius declared loudly and exaggeratedly, not seeming to have taken Lupin's not-so-subtle hint as a tear actually fell down his cheek. "She- she's dating Snivellus-"

"Which of course makes your theory about money seem altogether perfect, seeing as Severus has none," Lupin snapped to Severus's own shock before he shook his head in what seemed to be genuine disbelief, saying derisively, "Lily hate James- honestly Sirius, have you completely taken leave of your senses?"

"Have I-" Sirius began in disbelief before near bellowing, "I am obviously the only person here who has NOT completely taken leave of my senses. What part of LILY is dating SNIVELLUS do you not understand? She and he probably planned this all along-"

There was a rush of whispers erupting at all the tables in the dining hall, and Severus thought briefly that Black's antics might have worked to their advantage after all as at least now everyone would know that he and Lily were supposedly dating-

"Hey!" a small voice piped up from the Hufflepuff common table as a tiny first year stood up. "Don't talk mean about Professor Potter! Even if she is dating a scary man!"

Despite the gravity of the situation Lily choked back a laugh and caught Remus doing the same. Severus and Sirius's faces, however, only grew bleaker and the little girl, darting a glance at Snape, suddenly flushed bright red, her hair turning the same color as her face before she scrambled back to her seat and a seventh year hissed,

"Really now, Nymphadora-"

Remus's eyes fixated on the faculty table as he let out a warm chuckle, saying calmly, "I guess that tells us, doesn't it, Padfoot," before making his way toward Lily.

Lily flinched as Remus's eyes locked with hers, and despite her best efforts to remain stoic the quiet disapproval she saw there wounded her more deeply than any of Sirius's wild accusations.

"Delightful to see you, Lily," he said with characteristic kindness. "I would, of course, have come sooner, but unfortunately I've been- er- unable to make my way to Hogwarts-"

"I understand," she said quickly, hoping her sorrow didn't show on her face as she stood and made to step down from the faculty table, surprised as Severus caught her by the wrist just a bit more roughly than necessary. She turned to face him, an eyebrow arched in defiant query, and was shocked as in one swift motion he stood and, with skill she wouldn't have dreamed he possessed, touched his lips to her own.

A memory from when they were children, back in fifth year, surfaced, from when she and Severus had kissed after the Yule Ball. It had been so many years, she had come to forgotten what his lips tasted like. For a split second Lily wanted to back away from the kiss, but was subsequently stunned by how much easier it was to just lean into it. His arm snaked around her waist more softly than she could have anticipated, and without conscious thought her own hands moved to rest on his chest as she fought to absorb the situation. James had always kissed her with eager certainty and an almost casualness that she had initially resented and then grown to appreciate as not much in her life had been able to remain a certainty- but Severus was kissing her with a gentle- almost nervous and yet frightfully skilled- deliberateness that, despite her best efforts to remind herself that this wasn't real, was sending chills down her spine. His hand brushed like a whisper across her hip, coaxing her smoothly closer with subtlety that James would never have possessed, and she could almost swear that there was yearning on his lips. She gasped as he increased his pressure on her lower lip almost imperceptibly and before she could even consider the possibilities she found herself returning the kiss. As her own lips moved tentatively against his Lily unexpectedly felt Severs shudder, though whether from disgust or uncertainty or some unknown third variable she wasn't sure as felt that she could almost hear him counting down the seconds required to make the kiss look genuine without overdoing it in his head before he pushed her downright tenderly away from him, increasing her ever growing confusion. Somewhere in the back of her mind Lily knew she must look ridiculous as her mouth opened, then shut, then opened again, her mind reeling as she was forced to admit to herself that though the intellectual part of herself was caught somewhere between shock and horror-

Her body had liked it.

"Lily," Remus said, snapping her out of her stupor as she swallowed hard, noting that his eyes were carefully and purposely averted even as he tried to keep judgment from his voice, "Is there-erm, somewhere that we might go to talk?"

"Yes, my- my rooms are just upstairs," she said mechanically, barely registering that he was following her as she walked, still in shock, from the dining hall.

Lily nervously let Remus into her chambers, pausing to ignite some lamps before turning back to him, all but forgetting the past five minutes as anxiety overtook her as to what he might say-

But he didn't seem angry, only slightly confused and very tired as he sighed, genuine concern in his voice, "Oh Lily. How have you been really?"

There was a pause as she contemplated the relative pros and cons of telling the truth, given her new 'mission' of sorts, but in the end the kindness in his eyes overcame her reservations as she said softly,

"I've been rather ghastly, really, and yourself?"

He looked bleak before shaking his head. "The same."

"I really- I can't thank you enough for your letter," she said after a pause that was slightly longer than it should have been. "I- I read it lots of times… I've been really out of the loop-"

"That was clear," Remus commented dryly and she flushed without meaning to before gesturing to the couch.

"Can I get you anything? You- you must have traveled a long way-"

"Yes," he admitted shortly, with a slightly teasing smile, "but given that the alternative was Sirius's promise to 'chase me down and set his family's wombat collection on me' I had little choice."

Despite herself and the gravity of the situation Lily let out a short giggle. "Oh Remus, he didn't really-"

"No," Remus admitted after a brief moment, how own smile fading. "He didn't really. Well," he amended, frowning, "actually he did, but I came because-"

"You came because of Severus," Lily said, hoping she sounded confident and not just exhausted, wondering how she was going to successfully lie to this man in front of her- the only one of the Marauders, including James, who had always radiated honesty- goodness- compassion-

"I did," he nodded, looking suddenly pained and seeming hopeful that she would relieve him from the burden of speaking- but to his disappointment the silence dragged on. He exhaled deeply before shaking his head, though whether at himself or at her she couldn't be certain. "I don't have the same lucky ability as Sirius to alter the past in my head when it suits me," he murmured quietly after a long moment, eyes probing hers before he continued. "I haven't forgotten the years when you and Severus were inseparable, before-" he hesitated, seeming to be struggling very hard to find the right word before continuing, "before politics, I suppose, came between you. There were- there were even a few months, that autumn right before you finally went your separate ways, when I was relatively certain that it was going to be you and him, despite politics- I was never quite as sure of your feelings for him, but it was obvious that he fancied you my instinct was that if he had- 'called the question', so to speak, you wouldn't have been unwilling-"

Lily looked at him disbelievingly for a long, silent moment before whispering something she had never said to anyone but her sister, countless years ago- "No. I- I wasn't unwilling."

To Lily's relief he nodded easily, since the last time she had confessed as much she had been greeted with laughter so derisive that she had been convinced she must never mention it again- but Remus was looking at her with something akin to sympathy even as he tentatively prodded onward. "Nor do I have Sirius's lucky ability to believe that loving one person means you didn't love another or that you love either person less- or even that you can't truly love two people at once. But I believed- I believe," he corrected himself quickly, "That when you ended your friendship with Severus you meant it."

"I did," Lily said softly, definitely, gaze suddenly distant before it snapped back to the present and her eyes locked with his. "Earlier Albus accused me of having been relieved when Severus finally called me a mudblood, since it made it easier for me to break ties but- even if that's true, it doesn't change the fact that I was NEVER relieved to feel like ending the friendship was the right thing to do. I was NEVER glad that he had become the kind of person who would call me a mudblood to begin with."

"And that's what I don't understand, Lily," Remus interjected quickly. "He still IS that kind of person, only moreso. He IS a death eater. He- forgive me, but he DID deliver the prophecy that lead to James's death. To Harry's-" Remus took a shuddering breath before shaking his head emphatically. "Sirius is upset to the point of madness right now but we BOTH know that you loved James deeply- that if you could have you would have given your own life for his- for Harry's-"

"I tried to," she whispered, suddenly seeming to blink back tears and he looked at her with compassionate certainty before saying equally softly,

"I know you did. So-" he continued carefully, "I'm afraid that my confusion regarding the current situation remains."

"Maybe I've readjusted my priorities," Lily answered after a difficult pause, disheartened when Remus just raised his eyebrows doubtfully. Feeling desperate she tossed out somewhat histrionically, "I should have just forgiven him for what he called me all those years ago-"

"Oh Lily, I know you should have," Remus said, sounding sad as she blinked in surprise, not having realized how much she had expected him to disagree until he hadn't-

"Well then I don't see the problem," she blurted after a second, hoping she sounded triumphant and not just confused as Remus fired back with remarkable speed,

"Just as I don't see the connection. Regardless of should-have-dones, Severus is currently a death eater-"

"Why are you trying to use Occlumency?" Lily blurted, all but ignoring his words as she felt his very definite attempts to skim the surface of her mind-

"Why are you using Legilimency to block me?" he fired back in an uncharacteristically sharp tone, causing her to flinch slightly before he shook his head, suddenly looking very, very tired even as he stated with perfect conviction, "I know you don't love Severus."

"I do," she insisted shortly, hoping she sounded persuasive even as he shook his head definitively.

"If you- if you're seeking security- protection- I understand. Believe me when I say that I support you in that. But- you don't need to get involved with Severus Snape of all people to find it. I- I stand willing to offer myself as an alternative-"

Lily's face softened at his genuine nobility even as she blurted unthinkingly, "No- no it's got to be Severus-"

"So you do have a plan!" Remus blurted nearly triumphantly, a brief flash of what Lily could only describe as Marauder in his eyes even as she shook her head obstinately, saying with calm she was far from feeling,

"I don't know what you mean, Remus. It's got to be Severus because I love Severus-"

He shot her a doubtful look before saying firmly, "Lily, my offer will stand-

"And I'm grateful to you, honestly," Lily said with every ounce of sincerity she still possessed before adding slowly, "But it won't be necessary. My- my future lies with Severus, with all that that implies. I- the best thing you could do is distance yourself from me-"

"Distance myself from you NOW?" Remus questioned incredulously before looking genuinely offended. "I wouldn't distance myself from you NOW for all the galleons in Gringotts. Do you think I, of all people, don't understand hardship? Desperation? If you think I would abandon you then you have no conception of friendship or of me-"

"Then proceed at your own risk," she said, marveling at the harsh certainty in her voice when she felt like her insides were collapsing before he said softly,

"And I must say the same to you." They stared at one another for a poignant moment before he said definitely, "Unfortunately I must go in the morning, but I WILL continue to communicate with you whether you like it or not. No matter what befalls, do NOT hesitate to contact me if- when- it becomes necessary."

"Thank you, Remus, but I know what I'm doing," she said coldly, wishing she could feel half so confident as she sounded and turning so she wouldn't need to see him walk out of the room- and so that he wouldn't see the silent tears beginning to trail down her face.