Chapter Three
Alina

I visited him every day.

I never set out to do so. Some of my physical strength was returning, though I was still far too thin. Genya had the cooks prepare my favorites and plied me with pastries at every opportunity. All of it tasted like mud in my mouth; the way food had been before I came to the Little Palace. I wondered if this was the way it would always be. Each day, Genya would come to my chamber and help me bathe and dress, essentially taking on the role of lady's maid. She served out of love, and I adored her for it. Her fingers would style my hair, sometimes pulled back from my face, sometimes in curls and waves, sometimes in a simple braid down my back. My wardrobe was full of dresses I'd never had a chance to wear before I'd fled the Little Palace the first time, so she was determined that I should wear them all, even if the seamstresses and Fabrikators were needed daily to alter the dresses to fi my frail framet. She'd make me eat at least half of what appeared on the breakfast tray, and then with a kiss on the cheek, she would be off to meet David in whatever project they had for the day.

For all that I saw my friends daily, I had never felt so alone in my life. Not at the orphanage, not in the First Army, not in those first weeks at the Little Palace, not in the painful weeks when Mal pulled away from me, not even the numerous times I had been the Darkling's prisoner. In those situations, I had still had a purpose. There had still been a way out of the darkness. There had still been Mal.

My friends all had a clear objective before them. Nikolai was preparing to be crowned king of a country ravaged by civil war. There were buildings to be repaired, funds to be allocated, diplomats to be soothed, and an army that needed to be organized. Much though he expressed the desire to make me his queen, I was far from his biggest concern. Without me, Zoya had become the de facto leader of the Second Army and all Grisha. She'd overseen the repairs of the Little Palace and sent out emissaries to learn the conditions and locations of all Ravkan Grisha. The triumvirate worked together, but ultimately Zoya was the one in charge and would officially be named General of the Second Army after Nikolai's coronation. Parties were sent throughout the kingdom and across the True Sea, gathering Grisha back together to heal. We were stronger together, and a generation of young students needed teachers after the terror they'd experienced at Keramzin. David and Genya played integral roles in repairing the Grand Palace and Os Alta when they weren't too busy being disgustingly in love. David was part of Nikolai's team of inventors, as well, working to create weapons that would aid Ravka in regaining its military superiority.

I did not doubt any of their love for me. Genya saw me every day, after all, and Zoya had dragged me to a few meetings for my advic-as if my advice mattered.

As if I were still Grisha.

As if I weren't alone.

I would tell myself each day that I would not go down to the dungeons. I did not need to see him; there was nothing there for me. It wasn't like seeing him benefitted me in any way. He didn't soothe the aching loneliness, or make me feel much better. It made it worse in some ways, reminding me of what I'd lost. His handsome face brought terrible memories of being trapped, enslaved, and tormented. Yet, I couldn't help remembering the good things, too. The way he'd made me feel so protected when I'd been plucked from the ranks of the First Army and whisked away to Os Alta. The way it felt when he touched me, and my power rose to greet him. The way his lips and hands felt against my skin. The way I'd dreamed of what we could be. The way we'd been connected, whether we'd wanted it or not. The way he'd looked at me when I said his name.

Aleksander.

Thinking of the memories of him, good and bad, did not help any more than remembering Mal's handsome face and the thousands of beautiful memories we'd shared. Yet somehow, seeing the once-Darkling equally alone-equally destroyed-gave me some small measure of comfort. What kind of person did it make me that this was true? Each silent visit, I would swear to myself that I would not go to the cells again.

And each day, I would wind up down there anyway.

The guards greeted me with hushed murmurs and let me down the stairs. When I would descend, he would usually be in the same place, leaning against the wall, looking out at the bars as if waiting for me.

Like he knew I'd come.

A few times, he had been sitting at the table with a book,, and once, he'd been stretched out on the bed staring at the ceiling. Neither of us would say a word, even as we stared at each other deep in the eyes.

After a week of this stalemate, he finally cracked and spoke first.

"Why do you insist on visiting every day and saying nothing?" he sneered. "I'm sure Nikolai has better uses for you than staring at me."

"He hasn't sent me," I told him honestly. "I… he… he doesn't know I come here every day."

He snorted. "Don't be so naive, Miss Starkov. It does not suit you. I assure you that every visit has been well noted to the princeling."

He was probably correct, but I couldn't let him know that. "Nikolai has more important things to attend to than you."

"Certainly," he said with false charm. "I've heard congratulations are in order, and you shall be his queen."

I shook my head. "I have not accepted."

He scoffed. "You will."

I bristled. "Do you think I'm so hungry for power? I'm not like you; I never wanted to rule."

He laughed. "Alina… my little Sun Summoner… we were the only two like us. I know you better than you know yourself in these things. Of course you wanted to rule. The power is intoxicating. Did you not insert yourself as leader of the Second Army the moment you had a chance? One doesn't lead an army if they don't want to rule."

Just because he was right didn't mean I needed to admit it to him. "I led out of necessity."

"Just keep telling yourself that, my dear."

"I'm not your dear," I snarled.

We were interrupted by two guards and a chambermaid making their way down the stone steps. The maid held a tray of food-pirozhki by the look of it-and one of the guards carried a pitcher of water, washbasin, and shaving kit. The second guard unlocked the cell for the other two, stepping neatly out of the way but leaving the door open.

The maid busied herself neatening the cell after setting down the tray. The first guard held the shaving kit out to the Darkling but didn't let go when he grabbed it. "Try anything, and we've been ordered to put you down."

"I wouldn't dream of it," he sneered, his face twisting.

To his credit, he at least thanked the chambermaid before he turned to the small mirror on the wall and set about shaving the dark stubble that grew on his neck, neatening the line of hair around his chiseled jawline. I looked away.

My eyes drifted to the stack of books on the table. A small red volume sat on top. Istorii Sankt'ya. Not thinking, I stepped into the cell and picked it up.

"Have you found religion? Will you repent of your sins now?" I mocked.

"The reading material your princeling offers me is limited," he said, rinsing the razor in the basin. "I imagine he hopes my mind will rot away here."

It was my turn to snort. "There is only so much to rot. You've had far too many delusions of grandeur to be entirely sane."

This earned me a glare, not that his looks had been particularly friendly to this point. "It is not a delusion when you have the means to make it come to pass."

"So you had the means to seize the throne?"

"Of course," he scoffed, scraping the razor along his jaw one last time. "If you'd cooperated, we would be ruling all Ravka side by side. Instead, I'm in a cage, and we are both powerless."

"My cooperation would have meant the death of many Ravkans," I retorted, placing the book back on the table. "Someone had to stop you from turning the Fold into a weapon and tearing the country apart."

He was angry and stepped toward me, the razor abandoned in the basin. "I would have united the country. The Fold was a means to an end. Surely you can see that it would have kept the Fjerdans and Shu in check. The mere threat of having their people and lands disappear under the weight of the dark would have been enough to keep them at bay."

"The division made the country weak," I argued. "The Shadow Fold divided us physically and metaphorically! And your first show of power was to use the Fold against your own people!"

"We could have torn down Ravka's enemies," he raged. "You and I together!"

"You made me a slave! You would have used my power as if my thoughts didn't matter," I ranted back.

"You left me no choice," he seethed. "When you ran away, you demoted yourself from queen to pawn. When you believed the ravings of a mad old woman over me, you made your choice. And you can't bear that you chose wrong."

A resounding crack sounded when I slapped him across his far too handsome face.

But something else happened too.

When my palm connected with the pale skin of his face, for the briefest second, sunlight flashed.

The guards were pulling me away before I even had a chance to comprehend what had just happened, but as I was gently and respectfully shoved away, I knew. I'd felt it in that instant-that power that had once buzzed in my veins flared to life and that sense of surety I felt whenever he touched flooded my mind. As soon as I'd lost contact with his skin, the call had fled.

I wound up in the gardens, winding through the various paths until I found a marble bench to collapse on by a bush of fuchsia roses. This was some kind of cruel joke. I'd sacrificed my power-however unwillingly-to save Ravka from the Darkling. Yet somehow, when I touched him, it flared to life again? I prayed it was some kind of fluke, closing my eyes and calling the light.

Nothing.

Bitter tears sprung to my eyes.

"I know you visit him every day."

I looked up to see Nikolai standing in front of me. He eased himself onto the bench.

"The guards?" I asked.

"Of course," he said. "I'm not angry at you, though maybe I should be."

"You probably should be," I agreed. "He almost killed you, probably did worse than that. He killed a lot of people."

"And he looked good doing it, I'm sure," he said with a shrug.

I gawked at him.

"The Darkling-Kirigan is handsome and charming," he offered with a shrug.

"Do you think I'm that shallow?" I asked, affronted.

"Never," he said. "Or else you would have given into my many charms by now." He looked down at my empty hands in my lap against my bottle green skirt. "You do look lovely in green. Perhaps you ought to wear some jewelry to match. A ring, maybe?"

I laughed. "I can't. A fallen Grisha is not fit to be queen."

"But you are no ordinary fallen Grisha," he argued. "You are the Sun Summoner, a living saint. You would be a perfect queen."

He grabbed my hand, clasping my fingers between his gloved palms.

"I promised I wouldn't kiss you until you weren't thinking of someone else," he stated gently.

"I'm not sure that will ever happen," I confessed.

He tucked my hand into his elbow and guided me to my feet. "I can be patient."

"I don't think I'm worth it," I divulged. "At least not anymore."

He patted my arm. "That's for me to decide, isn't it?" He steered me along the path toward the topiary garden. "Now… Kirigan."

I wasn't sure what to say.

He sighed. "What exactly happened between you before he went all evil on you?"

I wasn't really sure of that either. "He tried to manipulate me. He is… was… a human amplifier. You have seen my sunlight. When he would touch me, it would amplify it a hundredfold. Before I learned to summon on my own, it was the only way I could bring the light for months. It was addicting."

He waited, perceptive enough to know that wasn't it.

"There was a time I thought… He made me feel." I stopped. "But it was all a manipulation. All he wanted was my power."

"You were the only two of a kind," Nikolai offered. "It's only natural you should feel connected." He frowned. "I don't think the only thing he wanted from you was your power, Alina, though that was certainly part of it."

"What makes you say that?" I asked.

"I have been a pirate-"

"I thought you were a privateer."

"A privateer," he agreed. "And as a privateer, I have seen how men look at the treasures they seek, the look in their eyes when they gaze upon their prize. He looked at you like that, to be sure, but when he thought no one else was looking… he had more in common with Mal than you would think."

"Do not compare him to Mal," I snapped, trying to tug my arm away.

He reeled me back in. "I'm sorry. I won't do it again." He patted my hand soothingly. "That isn't what I'm trying to do; I'm trying to find out why you are visiting him every day."

I huffed. "I don't know," I confessed. "Nikolai, I don't know what I am anymore. I have been an orphan, a soldier, and a Grisha. I am none of those things anymore. I don't know what I am."

"I did say you'd make a good barrister," he suggested. "The crown would, of course, fund your education in thanks for your service to Ravka."

I cracked a smile. It was an idea, at least.

"If you want to visit him, fine. Perhaps you'll have a better idea what to do with him," he told me. "I can't have you slapping him, though, however much he deserves it."

I gasped. "How do you know about this?"

He rolled his eyes. "Alina, I am the one that employs the guards. They reported to me each time you visited the cell and again when you followed the maid in and slapped him."

Fair enough. "You're too good to me, Nikolai. You're going to make some woman very happy."

"I know," he said. "I'm perfectly charming." He mercifully changed the subject, gleefully telling me about the progress in disassembling the gaudy pastel decor he'd had removed from one of his mother's sitting rooms. I half-listened, my mind whirling at Nikolai's words. I wasn't sure how I felt about them, the idea that the Darkling's feelings toward me may have been real. My feelings toward him certainly had been.

The bond between us was still there whether wanted or not. While I couldn't be genuinely sure yet that his touch granted me my powers back, in my heart, I knew. Was there a way I could claim them back? Could I possibly get back just this tiny piece of what I had lost?

Chapter title from "tears ricochet" by Taylor Swift

And the plot thickens... Nikolai's comment about the Darkling looking good while killing people is (more than) a bit ridiculous BUT it ties in with a tag on AO3 that I find particularly hilarious so I worked it in. Reviews are greatly appreciated :)