Hey! A new chapter! I know it's been a while, but not as much as the last time I think? My dissertation was submitted and I'm slowly feeling like myself again. Next week I should hear from it and I'm trying to not panic lol This chapter has hurt/comfort, but also more hurt. Let's just say it will take a hot minute for everyone to deal with Noctis's daemon transformation and the way he acted. Hang in there, and happy reading!
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Unexpected
Chapter 99 – Relief and rage
Ravus had been sat down on a bed, propped up against pillows and he had yet to speak a word. He could tell Luna was worried. Iris was holding herself together somehow and for the nth time in his life, he was reminded he didn't deserve either of them. He shouldn't be putting them through such pain and worry at every turn with the very excuse he was trying to protect them. And yet here he was, his throat burning, his body human and yet alien to him. His mind had been struggling to keep its reason whole. There was blood on his teeth, blood sticking to his throat and when he blinked, the world spun. He felt too high, his perspective was all wrong and he couldn't smell things anymore.
Then again, having only one mouth was good. There was no hunger in him anymore and what a relief. Thinking of food was a mistake, but Iris was offering him water and it might allow his voice back so he accepted it, wishing he could reach back for her. Everything ached. His skin, his flesh, the nerves he'd regrown through the shift.
"Brother?" Luna asked him again.
He blinked, trying hard to focus on her face, on her eyes. He wanted to cry because the light was too harsh no matter how dim, and when he tried to use his tongue to make sounds, all he could do was cough and choke. He raised his left hand, an attempt to find hers, or maybe cup the back of Iris's head, it was like a thousand thoughts had been let free as the parasite controlling most of his brain had finally been eliminated.
"I…"
"Oh gods, am I glad to hear you. I thought I'd only brought back part of you," she confessed, tears rolling off her cheeks.
"Lu… na…"
Iris offered him more water and it did ease some of the burn inside, his own tears tickling the corner of his eyes.
"I'm sorry," he managed. "I'm very… so very sorry."
"You'd better be," Iris told him, her voice shivering. "I didn't think I could be this worried."
She caught his hand in hers. They had removed the warped metal prosthetic, patching his ruined shoulder together. He was scared to look at himself, only half aware of the new scars he'd collected, some still too raw to be called scars.
"Can you look at me, Rave?" Luna said.
"My eyes hurt," he admitted.
She leaned closer to him, and he jumped as her hand touched his left shoulder, heaving a sigh of relief as her head sheltered him from the light.
"I'm certain there is no blight left within you brother. But you might suffer from some side effects. Do you know how long you've been…?"
He tensed, voice cracking and realized Iris had taken a step back to give them space. He wanted to plead for her to stay within reach, so he could hear her breathing, just know she was safe. He remembered only a few things quite clearly from his time as a daemon. The hunger, the pain. And how it had been overshadowed by the sight of Luna and Iris brought in like prisoners, delivered to Verstael on a platter.
"I recognized you, both of you when Prompto walked you in. It drove me insane to think the one situation I wanted to prevent was taking place, that you were both falling between his hands."
His voice was raspy and rough but his sister seemed more shaken by his words, her rushed apology echoed by Iris.
"No, no, I'm the one who's sorry," he objected. "I didn't mean to bark or growl at either of you, I was just… I couldn't… Luna, I was… beyond terrified."
"Then you know how I've felt every time you ran away."
His heart skipped a beat, but he knew he had more than earned her reproach and simply swallowed back the new apologies he wanted to say.
"Don't run away again, you hear me?" she demanded.
He nodded, somehow squeezing her close despite the weakness in his limbs. Luna pulled back and exchanged a brief look with Iris. It was like both women had stopped needing words to understand each other.
"Rest for you both, my dears," the queen said. "I need to go check on my husband now."
"Do rest too, sister. I can't thank you enough."
"Start by getting back on your feet and avoiding getting blighted again. Not for my sake, just for your own. Then I'll feel more tempted to be selfish, deal?"
Ravus smiled and bowed his head, then realized lifting it back was a painful process. Luna waved to Iris before exiting the room, and the brunette plopped herself next to him on the bed. Without a word, she pushed on his chest to help him lean back against his pillow. Then she pressed her face against his chest, much like she'd done the last time they had been together.
"Flower…"
"Don't call me that, Rave."
"Ris?"
"I was so, so scared I wouldn't see you again." He felt her lips on his skin, as she spoke and couldn't help a long shiver. This was the softest touch he'd experienced in weeks. "I should help you clean up," she added with a sigh, squeezing him harder, "but I need to hold you first."
"I need that too," he said, voice scratching his throat.
His hand touched the small of her back as she sat as close as she could, face buried against his chest. He dove his nose into her hair, closing his eyes tight and pushing away any picture and memory that didn't involve her. Keeping only the good ones. Telling himself he wasn't dreaming. He could feel her breath on his skin. For a moment they basked in the silence, in the sense of being reunited despite all. Iris was trying to forget the sight of him in fur and with countless eyes.
"I missed you," Ravus confessed.
Her shoulders heaved up, but he didn't speak over the sound of her hacked breathing, nor did he try to avoid her tears. He'd hurt her badly this time, both with leaving and by needing saving.
"I'm going to be a clingy mess," she laughed at herself.
"You can be one as long as you need."
They shared a fragile smile, Iris fighting back her own fatigue as she got off the bed.
"Now time to help my boyfriend clean up properly," she decided.
Ravus steeled himself for it, noting how gentle she was compared to the usual roughness of the gestures. He was too raw to ask her to be her usual angry or rather impatient self, he simply did his best to help her through brushing his teeth, and cleaning his hair. Iris hated dry shampoo, especially since it was one of their only options throughout the never-ending road trip, so she made it a point to wash him with water. It was a miserable process, but he did feel refreshed afterward. As a daemon he'd never bathed, merely hiding himself in the snow like some kind of winter mole.
"It feels so insane…" he sighed.
"You're telling me. I don't think our lives will ever be normal. But we can pretend anyway, right?"
He blinked at her, wincing as he opened his eyes too wide.
"I know the light is hard on you right now, but I don't want to be together in the dark."
He wondered if his insides were still shifting back, as his heart seemed even softer now.
"I can handle it," he assured her.
Iris sat back next to him, on his left side so she could support him as he wrapped his arm around her. She inched as close as she could, wrapping both arms around his waist. Her lips brushed against his chest, and her hair was tickling him, but the touch was so welcome after weeks of darkness.
"I really, really missed you," he sighed.
"Like you had a right to," Iris tried to make her voice rough, but failed miserably.
"You have a right to be angry with me."
"I think I'm just relieved right now," she confessed. "You had so many eyes!"
Ravus shivered violently, his apologies dying in his throat. He hadn't quite registered the new scars. His body was still moving. He hadn't lost another limb at the very least. And on the next day, if he could find the strength, he could look into Verstael's various stashes for anything he could turn into a proper prosthesis. The fact his own prosthesis had been warped beyond using didn't sit right by him, but maybe it was what he'd earned.
"Are you… Do you think you'll be able to forget how I… how that thing looked?"
For a long moment, she didn't say a word, didn't shift around to look into his eyes. She covered his one arm with hers, squeezing his hand between hers.
"Iris?"
She brought his hand to her face, to her lips, kissing one knuckle and then all of them.
"You're back with me, aren't you? Should I keep you up all night to make sure no nightmare takes you away?"
"W...what?"
"I'm not scared of you, Ravus. I was earlier, but more for you than for myself. I know you by now. Even as a daemon, there was enough of my prince left to hold the creature back. You protected Luna even in that state. Gods, just thinking of it…"
Her voice faltered, and he felt her tears against his chest, gasping as her trembling got worse.
"How many times am I going to see you lost before we even get to have something together?"
"Ris… I… I'm not doing this on purpose."
"I know! I know but you're still always willing to take the brunt of every shot and sometimes it'd be nice to believe you can look after yourself without needing me or your sister or us both to rush to the rescue," she managed through her tears.
He wanted to take offense, but she had a point and his heart was too raw knowing that even now, she had been more terrified to watch him die than to see him as a daemon. How was he ever going to be worthy of her?
"I swear there was a time when I wasn't this bad. Iris? Flower?"
"I'm sorry, I'll calm down, I don't want to be this sniffling mess right now."
"My mess," he opposed, allowing himself a shiver of his own.
"Still love me?"
He shook as though her very question had physically hurt him, squeezing her close.
"I do. I love you. I thought I was too far gone, I feared…"
He might cry too and she knew she would fully break if he did. Which he didn't need, so she wished in the secret of her heart he would hold on for her so she could hold on for him. Give her a moment to melt in his embrace.
"Shhh. Don't hurt yourself further. We're back together. We're together and I won't let you go anywhere on your own before I'm sick of you."
He chuckled at that, a weak sound, filled with pain, yet she perceived genuine joy piercing through.
"I'll be on my best behavior then."
She managed a laugh, too short, but then she struggled to look up, rubbing her eyes with one hand before blinking away leftover tears.
"Mind kissing me?"
"I feel like I should be the one asking that question," Ravus pointed out, looking paler than ever.
Iris tried to push aside the thought of two maws closing on Verstael's armor. The blood and the pieces of flesh hitting the floor. As she blinked, Ravus saw her face falling and shook his head at her. Iris looked ready to apologize and he wouldn't accept it. Not when it had been his decisions that had brought about the latest trauma.
"How about this, huh?"
He precariously stretched himself, lips brushing against her forehead, finding his balance on the mattress somehow, then her arms around him again.
"Talk to me. Tell me what I missed about the others and about you. I lost my phone when the Ottos came for me and I couldn't read you anymore…"
"Are you sure?"
"Please. I missed your voice above all else."
And with just a little more prodding, he would be ready to admit he didn't want to sleep yet. Even if he was exhausted. He was terrified of waking up back under the fur. Thankfully, Iris was just as terrified and asked him for stories of Tenebrae when her words ran out.
…
Luna couldn't help her shoulders tensing as she closed the door of Ravus and Iris's room. She knocked on the door of the guys' room, holding herself with one arm without thinking. The hallway felt cold, and she could hear wiring buzzing above her head. Which was most certainly the figment of her own imagination. Yet she'd known Verstael for far too many years.
Noctis answered the door and gestured to pull her into the room as he saw how white she was, but Luna shook her head.
"Do you mind if we take our own room?" she asked in a low voice.
"No, not at all. Guys, we'll be in the other room. Call if anything weird happens?"
"I'll be sleeping," Gladio shot back, sounding dead serious.
"I'll try to do the same," Prompto said with a broken laugh.
Noctis gave a worried look to his best friend, but Luna had to be just as shaken and he had half a dozen apologies to give her for attacking her brother… again.
He followed her out into the hallway and to another room they had previously inspected. It was as spartan as the first one, metal furniture, an adjoined bathroom with metal tiles and walls. The sense they were in a box underground briefly had him wondering if he wouldn't start lacking air before morning. The lights flickered on and Luna didn't seem to relax as he locked the door. Instead, she started fidgeting with the hem of her shirt.
"Luna…" he started.
She dropped her hands to her side as though she'd been doing something bad, looking at him with wide eyes.
"Oh, sorry."
"Wait, no apologizing for being nervous here. Are you alright?"
"I don't know how I could be… I mean, I will be, eventually, don't fret, I'm just… Overwhelmed."
Noctis nodded, opening his arms for her. She grabbed his hands instead of stepping into his embrace, unease taking over her need for comfort. Noctis wondered what could be going on in her mind, doing his best to not think about his shift and the way he'd acted while changed.
"Do I make you nervous?" he asked her.
"Oh!" she shook her head yes and then violently no, letting go of his hands to cover her face, shoulders pulled inward. "No, no, not you, it's mostly this… place. I'm worried about you. And since Ifrit is using me as his anchor still, I don't want to trigger the transformation he caused in you earlier."
Noctis saw red at that, pulling her in a tight hug, eliciting a shocked gasp from his wife.
"I'm not letting any more Astral get between us."
She felt so tense next to him, he half wanted to punch the wall. She had just been recovering from Leviathan. Why did she have to go through all this now?
"How are you feeling? Did Ifrit tell you anything?" he asked her.
She shook her head.
"What I understood was mostly related to me by Shiva. It was strange, like I was dreaming... My head hurts," she realized, leaning her head against his shoulder. Noctis delicately stroked her hair, wishing he could help her feel better. "I think Ifrit rushed to us out of anger. Why though, I have no idea."
"He said I was the new adagium…"
She wanted to shake her head, but the prophecy felt wrong at this point. Noctis had proven himself so many times. When would it be enough? How far were they going to take him? What more could they ask?
"Do you…" she marked a pause, worrying her lower lip. "...feel you have enough self-control right now?"
She dared to look into his eyes, grateful for their deep blues and realizing she was fearing their redness for the first time since she'd seen him use his magic. His nostrils flared, fingers clenching in her back, one eye almost twitching.
"What?!"
She squeaked and flinched at his raised voice and Noctis could have slapped himself, withdrawing sharply.
"I'm sorry, Luna, I'm on edge, but I feel myself. At least I think I do? I know I was horrible earlier."
She took a step back, shoulders shaking.
"I pulled you back, but Noctis… If you tap into that power again… I can't help but fear you'll grow to believe you could need that form, and reach a point where I won't be enough to get you back."
Her hands reached for him, Noctis not daring to move, not trusting his reactions anymore, and she grabbed his wrists.
"Look at me, Noct," she pleaded.
He obeyed, the apologies etched in every worried line on his face.
"I'm sorry. Is any of the darkness left in my mind? I'll give you more elixirs, I'll keep my voice down, I'll…"
Why can't I be the man you love still? he thought desperately.
"Noct, I… I know you're shaken, but I don't think I can…" her voice faltered, throat too tight as the air seemed to be vanishing from her lungs.
If she blinked too quickly, she could see the scales again. Risen like wires poking in his skin. And she remembered wires beneath her own skin, in a room of metal like this one, and cameras blinking at her at every turn, a replacement to the many unwanted witnesses of her life. She had been free once more with Noctis, with his friends, free from the empire, but now she was back and they were slowly warping everything she'd learned to trust.
Ifrit had said he would cleanse Noctis if he didn't stop from following Adagium's example. At least, that was what she understood from Shiva's words. Her head was throbbing now, her body exhausted by her abuse of magic.
"Luna?" Noctis asked.
"I don't want to be here. I thought I was done with this fear, but I can still hear…"
She blinked, only to close her eyes with a frightened sound, holding herself tight.
"Luna… I'll…"
The promise that came to mind felt wrong, but seeing her like this was setting off a dozen alarms in his mind. The crystal would react, wouldn't it? He couldn't let it react and he wasn't sure if he could be grounded enough for her.
"I'm sorry, I don't want to panic, I shouldn't…"
"No, no, just breathe, but you can panic if you need to. You've been through a lot. And I feel like it's always been you picking me up."
This sounded like her old Noctis so much, she found the strength to draw one gulp of air. He didn't smell like her old Noctis. Her throat closed once more and she wanted to cry as she suddenly didn't know whether she wanted to hide between his arms or from him. If he could turn despite the healing he'd received from both her mother and herself…
What was keeping him here with her? Wouldn't he run away if she couldn't control the fear?
"I can't…"
Noctis tried to hug her, but she shied away from him in her growing panic. She was quivering by now.
"Luna, tell me what you need. I'll do anything."
No, "anything" could mean danger for you, Noct, she thought desperately.
"Can you… check the room for cameras?" she managed.
He blinked at her, but she couldn't see it, she was shaking too hard as she tried to control her breathing. To remind herself that Ravus was human. That Noctis was human. That Verstael was dead, as were so many of the people who'd hurt her. Sometimes, that didn't make her feel any better. The thought she would even rejoice from this made her skin crawl.
And sick pictures started to run across her mind. What if Noctis had been the only daemon in the room? What if his fangs had been the one tearing at that despicable old man and…
She violently shook her head, shaking all the more.
"I'll do it, I'll find all of them if there's any left, just… Try to breathe, okay?"
She blinked through her tears, catching the worry on his face and how pale he looked under the neon lights. Her King.
Daemon King, Ifrit whispered against her skull.
She managed another breath, but couldn't muster a word, and Noctis zapped across the room, the blue blurs left behind him looking almost purple through the distortion of her tears.
Adagium.
She tried to push the word away. Was this the destiny of the chosen King? Regis had been incredibly worried for his son, and the gods were cryptic even to her. But was he supposed to sacrifice his humanity to that extent? Surely she needed to keep up with him.
Noctis phased back out of the adjoined bathroom, dropping four cameras to the floor, all broken, rage written all over his face.
"Is this… Is this how they've always treated you?" he asked her.
"It's… It's how they t...treat everyone," she told him.
She knew he wasn't angry at her, but the red in his eyes seemed ready to shift into a pure flame. She hiccuped a sob, her trembling worsening even more. His face fell, eyes flickering back to blue.
"Oh gods, I'm sorry, I… I'm so lost right now. Luna…"
"I am sorry, I can't seem to s...stop…"
"I'm not helping, am I?"
She started shaking her head, and his heart broke a little more.
"I don't want to be like this," she swore.
"I could phase us out of here if…"
"No, no, y...you're exhausted. I have to… get over myself."
Her sobs were hacked through as she tried to get herself under control, her legs barely holding her.
"Luna, how about we both get some rest? I can… I can leave if…"
"No!" She blindly reached for him, finding his shirt and pulling him close, overwhelmed by the sense she could lose him all over again. Not to the daemon version of him, but to his own hurt. "You said you wouldn't leave me again," she stammered.
"That's not how I meant it," he said, voice breaking as he hastily wrapped his arms around her.
She didn't pull back, leaning against his chest instead, even though her shaking remained.
"I'm very sorry, Luna," Noctis whispered, stroking her hair as delicately as possible. The shiver shaking her only felt half-right, his shoulders sagging. "I shouldn't have agreed to pretending you'd been captured."
She tensed up even more, her voice too high. "And let Iris do it alone?"
"I just… I feel like we all did more than enough as it is…"
Which was how she also felt, but they had a duty and a destiny to uphold. Noctis whispered her name against her hair, rubbing her back, then suggested they sit down. His voice still held a shrill, as though his throat had been scrapped raw and maybe it had. She could still hear his daemon voice. Or was it Ifrit forcing her to remember?
"My head feels like it's going to blow up," she confessed.
He tentatively guided her towards the bed, kneeling on the mattress first.
"Tell me what you need," he pleaded. "I have remedies and…"
She sank next to him, one hand still holding her head.
"Hold me. At least until I calm down."
She didn't have to ask him twice, even though none of their embraces had felt this bittersweet before. She felt trapped inside her own skin, inside the pain aching through her head and the sick pictures running into a loop. She couldn't reach for him, she couldn't say a word, the sounds she made making her feel more broken than she should have been.
At one point, it felt like Noctis cried with her, but she couldn't tell, she couldn't read him anymore. Was she broken or had they broken something too far to connect like they used to? He was warm, warm, even though the daemon had been so cold. She wanted to stop comparing them. She knew he was also terrified, but her own fear had completely taken over her senses.
It took hours for the pain to start fading, hours until her breathing calmed and her body became too tired to even shake. Noctis was still next to her, fast asleep and at peace, or at least, close to peace.
Is this my limit? she wondered.
She shifted around carefully, to keep her right arm from getting completely numb. Noctis didn't stir, simply whining when after staring at the ceiling for a quarter of an hour, Luna brushed his arm aside and carefully got out of bed.
She couldn't quite put words on the state she was in. Restless, anxious, frantic. Alone. Reliving nightmares of the past. The ceiling looked like it was coming down and she tiptoed out of the room, hoping a larger space would help.
What she hadn't expected was to find someone sitting outside, and hear his gasp as she pushed the door open.
"Prompto?"
"Ah, Luna, you gave me a scare. You okay?"
She considered giving him the easy answer, but her throat tightened a little more.
"No."
The gunman whistled, which had her give him a second glance.
"Don't take this the wrong way, but this feels like progress for you. Not even trying to say you're fine. None of us are fine right now."
"I guess, that's a compliment?"
"I wouldn't say that," Prompto sighed. "Just, it's okay to not be okay, right?"
She held herself again, leaning her back against the wall.
"Right." After a pause, she stated the obvious. "Can't sleep?"
"I don't think I ever will again. How about you?"
She huffed, letting herself slide against the wall to sit next to him.
"I've been in too many of these facilities. After Ravus and Noct's…"
Her voice faltered and Prompto leaned a little more forward, his hands drumming against the floor. His fingers were bruised, knuckles raw and she felt her light stirring. Hadn't she fixed those things? She was so exhausted, but shouldn't she try to at least fix those things?
Prompto looked far too nervous to welcome first aid. His legs were crossed and he looked thinner than ever. All bones and nerves. There were dried bloodstains on his tank top, hiding the scrambled lines that used to be his trademark. The stubble on his cheeks looked itchy.
"I thought I had seen all the crazy I could for a lifetime," Prompto sighed. "Noctis was…" She jumped at the very name and Prompto barely breathed out the words, "pretty scary."
"He…" she worried her lower lip, swallowing. "I don't want to say this, but I feel like he still is."
Prompto glanced at her, too pale under the neon, eyes wide.
"He didn't shift back, did he?" he asked, voice low.
Dealing with daemons was already bad, but dealing with one that could phase through walls? Just thinking of it had Prompto wish he'd picked another wall to sit against. But surely...
"No," Luna shook her head. "But I can sense something. I've never seen him this angry. He would have… I feel like he would have killed Ravus… From what Iris told me, he wasn't listening to you or Gladio. And that… I know he's been feeling out of control. I know it's been far far too much for all of us. But I can't..."
Prompto blinked, processing her words. He had been frozen during the whole altercation earlier. He had tried telling Noctis to stop, maybe not hard enough? His brain had still been getting around the idea Verstael was dead.
But daemon Ravus could have been in serious danger. Daemon Noctis had talked in a way completely different to his best friend.
His tail had wrapped around Ravus's back legs to whip him around and force him into his rushing armiger.
"Should I rip it off or will that make you even madder?"
The only person he should ever threaten like that was Ardyn. Luna waking up had been the whole reason why Noctis had regained his senses.
"Luna..." Prompto started, his heart hanging even lower in his chest.
"I've cried enough," she said, "I can stop, I…"
He suddenly felt the same way he had that night when they didn't know where Noctis was. Or if he was alive. He sat straighter, unsure he could help this time.
"You have a right to be scared. And even angry with him."
He almost felt bad saying that, but Luna seemed to crumple next to him, his body reacting instinctively. He reached an arm around her, Luna leaning close, her apology written all over her face.
"He's angry with the gods. And I fear he's angry with me too," she confessed.
"What? He'd…"
Prompto stopped himself. He hadn't thought Noctis could ever turn into a daemon, yet it had happened. Instead of talking, he hugged her tight.
"It's not fair to him," she whispered.
"It's not fair to you," Prompto opposed. "We all know how hard you've worked to help him along the way. From what Gladio told me, you just got out of the hospital and…"
"I was fine!" she protested.
Past tense. His throat clenched painfully. He'd been fine before, a long time ago, and his days had been nothing but falling, further and further away from any state of fine. He wasn't sure he remembered what it felt like. But she still did. And Noctis…
"You don't have to be. Not for him, or for anyone."
"But he…"
He used to make me feel safe.
Ifrit chuckled in the back of her mind and it was more than she could take, the quivering settling back. She didn't want her life dictated by them anymore. Neither of their lives. But there had to be a line a human couldn't cross and walk back from. She wanted to believe it wasn't crossed yet. She wanted to find her patience again, her understanding.
"Try giving it time," Prompto suggested. "Don't fight it now."
"I hate being here," she managed, hiding her face against his shoulder.
He couldn't hold back his own shiver as she shuddered, pulling her on his lap, hoping that helping her calm down might calm him.
"I hate it too."
She wanted to apologize, especially when she thought of everything he'd been through, but her voice was gone. Crying was even more painful when she thought of the fact Noctis was sleeping just a few steps away, entirely unaware. But the walls were too close, the rumbling in the ceiling too painfully familiar. She couldn't see anything but his eyes, pupils white in all the red.
Not Adagium. But not the Noctis she knew either.
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Well that got angsty. Believe me, it won't stay this way. But after hard thinking, I had to concede that Luna had been through way, way too much. And Noctis's anger is definitely not helping her handle any of this shitstorm. Luckily, our dear Prompto is back with the gang for good. Next chapter might come out in October, as always, your feedback gives me life.