Alina saw him everywhere. At first it was in the corner of the room, the end of a corridor or by the fence as she tended to the chickens. But the second she looked away he was gone. She amounted it to her guilt and loneliness nothing more. He was dead, their bond dead with him. There was no way she should be able to see him, yet she did. And despite herself, she searched for him in every corner, every hallway. She longed for the moments her eyes would meet his. She ached for them, for him.
She longed for the moments his arms would encircle her waist while she painted by the window, his lips ghosting over her neck, the space her collar had sat all those years before. A promise, a reminder, a curse.
Alina often wakes screaming, her dreams plagued with memories of The Fold. Mal is always there, holding her close, stroking her hair, whispering in her ears. "It's alright, I'm here, I'm not dead". He says as he brushes away the tears on her cheek. She stays silent, she doesn't trust herself not to. How can she tell her husband it's not his death she cries over, not his death that destroyed her. No, it was better if she stayed silent.
She sees him then too, surrounded by darkness, watching her with sadness on his face. She's confident his image is nothing more than a ghost left over from her dreams. He stays long after Mal has gone back to sleep, he stays until she's ready for him not to be, then and only then does he step back into the dark.
Until one night. She wakes to an empty bed, Mal had taken some of the children on a camping trip. She's almost relieved she doesn't have to listen to him try and calm her. But he's there, his ghost, watching as always. She doesn't know why she does it, what makes her speak to him, maybe the loneliness was finally catching up to her, her guilt becoming too much to shoulder. Perhaps she'd finally snapped and gone insane. "I miss you" She whispered meeting his eyes. It's an apology, an unspoken one. She definitely must have lost her mind, because after she'd settled back into bed and closed her eyes, he replied. "I miss you to Moya svet" when she opened her eyes, his ghost had gone. She didn't sleep for the for the rest of the night, his words repeating in her mind. Moya svet, my light.
"You've got whities in your beard" Natalia giggles as she wriggles in Mal's lap. He was telling the children a story, but Alina hadn't been listening. Not until little Natalia had interrupted. Alina looked at Mal then, really looked at him in a way she had not done in years. She noticed it then, the white hairs growing in his hair, the smile lines and the faint creases beginning to form at the side of his eyes. Signs of his age. He was aging, and she was not. She studied her own face that night in the mirror in her bedroom. She still looked the same as she had at 25, her face was still smooth, her hair still shiny and white. She still looked young, despite almost being 37.
She couldn't help the smile, she didn't even try to hide her joy. She wasn't aging, that must mean that some resemblance of her power was still there, locked away. Waiting. As if she'd called for him, Aleksander was there beside her. She hadn't seen him in weeks. But here he stood smiling beside her, sharing in her joy, her hope.
The next morning, she called for the light. She called for her sun, as she'd done for years unsuccessfully. This time however, she felt it. The small flicker deep in her veins. It lasted seconds, but it had come, answered her call. She was still the sun summoner.
Weeks passed, she practiced every day in the meadow beside her home. Every day that tiny spark grew bigger. Every day she grew closer to having her light back. Aleksander was always there when she practiced, his ghost lounging on a bench, a reassuring presence. She'd decided long ago she didn't mind his ghost, it was comforting. Alina often found herself searching him out, mainly when Mal did or said something that annoyed her, which was more often then she cared to admit. She'd given up everything she cared about for him, yet he still wanted more. He said she never smiled enough, that she no longer seemed to have time for him. She was always doing something wrong. Alina pushed her thoughts away she didn't want to think about Mal and focused on her hand, calling her light, demanding it answer her. It did.
A small ball of light appeared in her hands. It was tiny, no bigger than a small apple. But it meant more to her than all the stars in the sky.
"Alina" a voice called. His voice, the voice she'd dreamt about since that night all those years ago. She glanced up to his ghost, her rock and anchor. He was a foot away. He'd never been an easy man to read, but she knew he was happy, she'd go as far as to say he was ecstatic.
"It's back" she whispered as he moved closer, kneeling in front of her. His hands moving to encircle the little apple-sized ball of light. As if he didn't believe it. But she wasn't looking at the ball of light, she was caught up in his silver eyes. The utter joy in them seemed to set her soul on fire and he was staring back at her. This ghost, this figment of her imagination. She felt it, the bond between them, it was weak, so faint she almost didn't believe it was there. But he smiled at her, a silent answer to her silent question. This was not a ghost, ghosts are dead. Aleksander Morozova was not.
Her lips parted, words on the tip of her tongue.
"Alina" she heard Mal and as quick as she could she reluctantly let her power go. She let it fade. But it was not quick enough. Mal had seen.
She'd never seen such anger on his face, such disappointment.
"You have your powers back" he said bitterly. Aleksander was still kneeling before her, a questioning look in his eyes. He didn't know what was going on, he didn't know Mal had come. She rose from the log she was sitting on. Aleksander rose with her effortlessly.
"'Mal." She said quietly, Aleksander let out a grunt of frustration "what are you doing here?"
Mal must have been close enough for the Darkling to see, she felt him stiffen beside her.
"You have your fucking powers back," Mal repeated, this time more forcefully, with even more anger. Like she shouldn't be happy about this, as if she'd betrayed him.
"Yes" She said weakly, she hated how small it made her seem. She was the sun summoner she should not be cowering in front of anyone. Yet, here she was. Mal went pale, he strode towards her, gripping her arms tight enough that she winced. Mal didn't notice, Aleksander did, his jaw clenched.
"Who else knows" Mal asked. "Alina, does anyone else know?" she looked past him her eyes found Aleksander, she knew he too was waiting for her answer. As if it was a test. Alina smiled as she found herself saying 'No, no one"
"We have to keep it that way" Mal said relaxing his hold on her, slightly. "If anyone finds out they'll come for you. They'll take you away" Alina wanted to argue, she wanted to fight back. Tell him that she'd face whatever came.
"I don't want to hide my power" Alina said.
"Alina" Mal groaned tightening his grip again. "They will take you. I won't let you be taken from me again"
Alina wanted to fight more, argue back that it was her choice. That she could fight whatever came, whoever came for her. The thought hit her hard, Mal wasn't worried about someone taking her. He was worried that she'd leave him, that she'd no longer be that little otkazat'sya girl he'd fallen in love with all those years ago.
"I won't lose you" Mal repeated as he embraced her, holding onto her as if she'd fade away into nothing. Alina didn't move, didn't speak. The joy and excitement she'd felt only minutes ago was gone, replaced with a sense of nothingness, emptiness.
"Alina" The darkling said softly, she'd forgotten he was here. She looked up to him. "You're more than this moya solnste" then he was gone.
She never saw him now. No matter how many times she searched for him in a room. He didn't answer her calls down the bond, which now that she knew was not broken, she felt it. It felt as though a part of her had come back, a part of her that had been missing for a long time. She ached for her light, for her sun. It was if the only two things keeping her balanced these past years had been her visits from Aleksander, and her power. Without those, her life was an endless cycle of the same boring mundane things.
She didn't dare summon however. Mal found any excuse to spend time with her, he'd spend every second of the day with her if she'd allow it. He was watching her, babysitting her. Making sure she didn't wield her powers.
The cook, a plump woman named Alice, had begun to complain about how ill Alina looked. Alina didn't blame her, she knew how fragile and hollow she appeared. It was as if she was back underground in the catacombs with the Apparat again. Mal didn't comment on it, he was happy to ignore her weight loss and huge deep purple shadows that had taken permeant residence under her eyes. She hated Mal for it, he knew what not using her powers did to her, how it affected her. And he was ignoring it because it wasn't convenient for him. His tactic for everything he didn't want to acknowledge.
She was sitting in her usual spot on the sofa in the study, an empty sketchpad in front of her. She hadn't had the inspiration to draw in weeks, ever since she'd gotten her light back. Mal entered the room carrying a tray with her tea and lemon cake as he did every night. She watched him lay it on the small coffee table in front of her. She realised something then, as she watched. She hated him. Hated the way he always assumed what she wanted and needed. Hated that he just assumed she was happy because he was happy, that he just assumed she didn't want her light back. She hated that she'd given up everything for him. She'd given up being Grisha, she'd given up not one, but two crowns, all for him. She hated herself for it. She hated herself for becoming nothing, just to make him feel like something.
"Your not nothing" His voice was sharp and vex. Her head snapped up, searching the room for him, but he wasn't there. The words had been so clear, so firm, so comforting. She needed to see him, hear his voice. He was the only other person that might be able to understand the loneliness, the unhappiness.
She left the room without even a word to Mal, ignoring his protests as she made her to her bedroom. She looked the door behind her, she didn't want Mal to follow her. She climbed onto her bed, making herself comfortable. Then, like that night all those many years ago she pulled on the bond, and found herself transported.
With her surroundings blurred she had no clue where he was, if he was even in Ravka. She saw only him. He stood by a bench, skinning and preparing a rabbit to cook. His shoulders tensed as he sensed her presence.
"What are you doing here Alina?" he asked quietly, he hadn't moved. A small smile toyed at her lips as she replied. "Would you believe me if I said I wanted to see you?" those had been the words she'd said the first time she had gone to him. He turned to face her then, her breath caught in her throat as she took him in. She looked the same so brilliant, so powerful, so beautiful. Yet so ordinary with his hair left unchecked and clothed in otkazat'sya clothing. He didn't look like the most ex most powerful man in Ravka, and the world outside it. It seemed wrong. There was amusement in his gaze as he took her in. Another thing she was not prepared for, as if she was prepared for any of this.
"Finally grown bored of the tracker Alina?" He questioned, cocking his head to the side.
"This has nothing to do with him" she couldn't bear to say Mal's name, not after her realisation. Her tongue choked at the thought.
"This has everything to do with him" Aleksander said as he stepped closer. "You're wasting away Alina. You need to use your power. However little you have"
"He won't let me" Alina answered, unable to meet his eye. "He doesn't like it" He let out a sigh "And why Alina. Do you think that is?" he asked as he took a final step towards her, he was inches away. She could reach out and touch him, she wanted to. Every once of willpower she had went into keeping her hands by her side. "Answer the question Alina" he said forcefully, reaching up to cup her cheek. She allowed herself to lean into the touch, taking comfort in the contact. A part of her wanted to leave, run back to Mal, she may hate him but he represented safety, security. But she wouldn't. She met Aleksander's eyes. He was still waiting for an answer. She wanted to say she didn't know, but she did know, and she knew he knew she knew. So she placed her hand over his, locking their fingers together.
"You told me once that you saw what I truly was and never turned away. That you never would." She paused. "But you were right. He can't say the same" It came out as a whisper, Aleksander didn't smirk, didn't grin didn't brag and say I told you so or any of the other arrogant things she would expect He only nodded once, slowly.
"I'm sorry." He said, as quietly as she had spoken. "I'm sorry you gave your heart to someone that didn't deserve it."
Alina was speechless. This couldn't be The Darkling, the man that had ruined her life, who had brought Ravka to it's knees.
"I should have listened to you all those years ago" she said, his lips twitched into a smirk. Finally. This was her Aleksander.
"Moya Solntse" he said cupping her other cheek with his hand. "We have forever to fix this, to get everything we want" and brought his lips to hers. The kiss was desperate and eager, yet questioning. He was giving her a choice in this. She could get used to this new Aleksander. She chose to pull away from him. He didn't hide his disappointment, she only smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I'm looking forward to spending forever with you moya noch'" she said before capturing his lips with hers.