Just a funny little idea... it's been done, but not in this way, I venture to say. Enjoy the hilarity that is Edward shopping for Bella during her very miserable time of the month.
I sighed deeply before stepping into the cool, air-conditioned building. I had to remind myself that I loved Bella. Very much. More than life itself. And that's why I was in this convenience store on this damp, rainy Forks afternoon.
Because Bella was having a bad week. That's what she called her little... feminine times. I could tell when things were not quite right. Her scent turned a little weak, her blood slightly anemic. I had understood and learn to recognize the many signs and the basic scientific principles behind this monthly, regular change in a woman's body. Two medical degrees told me that much.
But, me still being the newly-resurrected man inside, was squirming. It was embarrassing to say the least. Alice had seen me coming here today and offered to come with me.
"What can you do about it, Alice? You haven't had...problems," I spat, barely forcing the words from my mouth. "like this since you were alive. You don't even remember this!"
Alice stared sheepishly at me, then her face turned into a wicked grin. "Fine, Edward Cullen. Go by yourself. Be Bella's Tampon Lad today. See how you feel after that."
Tampon Lad? I shook my head to try to remove the ridiculous name from my mind. I would only admit it to myself, however, that I wasn't the most comfortable with shopping for this particular item on Bella's shopping list. I had picked it up from her refrigerator, before leaving her in Alice's care. There were other items, basic human staples, I assumed. Bread, milk, eggs, lettuce...
Normal items. Except for that last one. Bella's needs. I knew she only wrote it down like that to alleviate Charlie from seeing such a item. It was foolish, really. His daughter was eighteen, nearly nineteen. A grown woman. This particular thing in her life was important for her as human woman. Something I had only learned about in medical school.
I sighed. Two doctorates and I can't even go into a grocery store to buy my girlfriend something she needs desperately. Not even...
I couldn't make myself say it. I tried to. I was familiar with that aspect of human female anatomy. It wasn't anything new. The monthly cycle of life.
If I could say it like this, maybe I could do this. I could do this!
I picked up a basket near the door, reaching into my pocket for the list. I didn't need it. I had it memorized easily. Only five items. I passed a stock boy, placing boxes of cereal on a shelf. I browsed the aisles until I found the one I needed. The easiest first. I picked up the loaf of bread, checking the twist tie on its wrapper. Bella had told me once, when shopping with her previously, that it signified what date the bread had been baked. I took note that it was yesterday. Still fairly fresh.
I placed the loaf in the basket and wandered to the dairy aisle. The coolers normally freezing to anyone normal was simply a row of cold iceboxes. I searched until I found the gallon of milk she needed, spying the price. The whole dairy industry should be hung for the outrageous prices. It was simply ridiculous; I knew for a fact that cows couldn't be that sparse in this country. My years in the Midwest told me that much. Cows were hardy animals and very easily spooked, as I recalled. I chuckled to myself silently remembering the night Emmett told me of an old game he played when he was a human teenager in Tennessee.
He, myself and Jasper had snuck out late one night and had run upon a whole field of cows. We were not especially hungry, but Emmett lingered. That night, I learned the meaning of "cow-tipping". We had so much fun that night, my brothers and I.
Smiling, I placed the milk in the basket, careful not to crush the loaf of bread. I quickly made my way farther down, picking up a dozen eggs. Bella wanted to make Charlie omelets tomorrow and would need the carton for in the morning.
I placed those in the basket, rearranging the items so they fit easily without much room for crushing the fragile items.
Lettuce.
I quickly walked to the fruits and vegetables aisle. I almost had to hold my breath again. The stench of the vegetation was nearly overpowering. The scents of tomatoes, crisp lettuce, onions, bananas and oranges wafting in and out of my nostrils, threatening to turn my unused stomach. I quickly found the head of lettuce, and checked for freshness.
Fresh from the garden.
I smiled at myself. I had done well. Now just for the...uh... other item.
Edward Anthony, you can do this. Steel yourself, old boy!
I tread carefully to the personal items aisle. I walked past deodorants, various sprays and found the exact place I needed to be. Or rather, had to be. Feminine products.
There were so many brands. So many... options. Which did Bella prefer? Did she have a preference between... with or without wings? Would she rather...
Oh my God, how can I do this? I'm a 107-year-old vampire! And here I am, freaking out about picking up feminine products for my very human girlfriend in her time of need.
At that moment, a rather surprised teenage girl walked down the aisle. Her face was resolute, but her thoughts were elsewhere.
Oh man, this is great. This is THE worst day to get my period! I have a date with Kyle and now... this happens!
Wonderful. Another human in her time of need.
As I looked over the boxes and debated between the brands of Kotex and Tampax, the girl's thoughts turned to me. Great.
I wonder if he's picking those up for his girlfriend. I wish Kyle would do things like that for me... He looks almost lost.
Bingo. Maybe I could enlist her in this situation.
"Um, miss? Excuse me? I was wondering if you could help me?" I said, using the voice I kept reserved for humans. Bella called it my 'dazzling' voice. She looked at me as if I had grown a third head. Who... me?
"Me?" she said.
Yes, you. "Yes, I was wondering if you could possibly help me. You see, I'm shopping for my girlfriend and I'm not quite sure what to buy her in this department." I gave her a smile, only barely hinting at my gleaming teeth.
She gave me another look of surprise. He needs... help? Oh, wow, he's really... wow. Oh, he asked me something! "Um, sure. Does she have a preference?"
I grimaced slightly. "See, that's the problem. I'm not entirely sure."
She nodded her head. So this is his first time doing this. I get it. Still a sweet gesture though. I really wish Kyle was like that.
"Um, you only have two options really: brand and type," she said, pointing to the Kotex maxis at her eye level and then a box of StayFree tampons just below my eye level. "Is she terribly picky?" the girl asked suddenly.
Not my Bella. Not really, anyway. "No, she's not."
The girl frowned slightly. In that case, if she doesn't care... I wonder if he's just saying that. Men are always squeamish when it comes to this stuff. Try feeling like you're going to blow up like a balloon each month and taking Midol like it was candy.
"Well, in that case, you better buy both kinds," she said. He better know if she's allergic. The wrong item could mean a very bad week for this girlfriend of his. I wonder how she got him... he looks like a model.
Ugh... I hadn't asked that. Dammit, now I wished I HAD let Alice come with me. She would have at least known WHAT to get without me injuring my poor Bella more so than necessary.
"So which brand do I buy," I asked, hoping to avoid actually using the words themselves. This was just too embarrassing. Even for me.
"Um, just stick to name brands. Kotex, Tampax, you know."
No, I don't little girl. You have NO IDEA how much I really don't know anything about that department of my love's life.
"Thank you for your help," I said and quickly plucked two boxes of both types into my shopping basket. Time to leave.
I walked quickly to the checkout counter and unloaded my things. I briefly made eye contact with the cashier. A tall, redhead, chewing a wad of gum. Her name tag read Cindy. "Hello," I said, smiling, hoping to quickly pay and leave. Cindy's eyes grew wider and she smiled back, her eyes dancing and her thoughts going from innocent appreciation to downright molestation. I wonder if he's single... I'd so go out with him. He's so hot! Those lips and that hair... oh, it has that 'just-had-sex' look to it.
I sighed. If only the girl knew. I was more than inexperienced in that department. Something, hopefully, to be rectified in a month. I decided to quickly turn her thoughts elsewhere and made small talk. "I'm shopping for my fiancée today. She's sick," I said, smiling to myself at the added thought.
Dang, he's taken. All the good ones are always taken. But that's so sweet! He's doing her shopping for her.
Then the unspeakable happened. The feminine products would not register with the computer. I watched in horror as the scanner did not pick up the barcode on the boxes. Cindy rolled her eyes, snapping her gum.
"Price check on Tampax Slims and Kotex Regulars with Wings!" called Cindy from the PA system by her register.
Would this nightmare ever end?
I turned behind me to see a line forming. A mother with two toddlers and a full cart of food. A man in a suit, holding a magazine and a bottle of Pepsi.
Please hurry. I need out of here. Now!
A stock boy appeared and walked ever-so slowly to the register. I wanted to lean across and smack the idiot for taking so long.
He told her the price and she entered it, totaling my bill. I paid her quickly in cash and gathered my paper bags of groceries.
"Have a nice day, sir," she said, her tone more than reassuring of a good day for anyone. I muttered a 'thank you' and briskly walked, fighting hard to keep a normal pace. I made it to my car in record time, placed the items in the floorboard and started the engine.
When I got back to Bella's, Alice was already in full swing. She was sitting with Bella on the couch, both laughing raucously over some movie on television.
"Hello, Edward!" called my darling, sweet sister. I could have rung her neck about now. She sprung from the couch and smiled widely. I told you I should have gone today with you. I could have saved you the embarrassment.
"Thanks for not saying 'I told you so', Alice," I said icily. She just smirked and sat down on the couch next to Bella.
There was my angel I wanted to see. She smiled at me and I smiled my crooked smile for her. She blushed, as usual for her. I turned to the kitchen and began to unpack. I heard footsteps and recognized Bella immediately. I turned around fast, to catch her off-guard. I loved doing that to her, then catching her when she fell. It was a game for me.
And, as usual, she did as expected. "Oh, Edward, will you quit that! You nearly gave me a heart attack!" I knew that. I could hear her heartbeat. It was like a hummingbird.
"Sorry, love. I just wanted to surprise you," I said, placing a quick kiss to her forehead. She blushed again.
"Well, I guess that's okay."
I placed the milk in the refrigerator, as with the eggs. I put the bread in the box near the sink and began to take out the lettuce and rinse it under the faucet.
"Edward... you didn't happen to see... another item on that list, did you?" Her voice was shaky. I knew what she was referring to.
"Yes, I did and I picked them up for you," I said, in my most steady voice. I shook the head of lettuce once and turned to see Bella's face a deep crimson. Luscious.
I put the lettuce on the counter and took her into my arms. "You r-r-r-r-really didn't need to do that, Edward," she stammered. "I could have picked it up myself."
I smiled, placing a kiss on her lips. "I know, but you are in need and I wanted to get exactly what you needed. To make it easier on you."
Just then Alice came into the kitchen and looked into the bag. "Bella, come here a second. I regrettably let her go and peered into the bag. Suddenly Alice burst out laughing and Bella grew an even darker shade of red.
"Edward," Alice said, as she could talk again without giggling. "How do you know Bella needs Ultra-Fresh Heavy-Flow Tampons?"
Enjoy it? Hated it? Needs work? Let me know, please!